stacy anne + bella wish in my home, canon 50d
Since having Cedar, I have been a bit shy about having company stay over other than family. I think in the beginning, it was all about our need to be in a love bubble. Our very precious time of bonding as a family with our new addition. Our new addition with a very special story in how he came into our tribe. Then I think the shyness came from our lack of sleep and inability to hold a decent conversation. We were just in survival mode and could barely function outside of the simple needs of the three of us in our home. Now I think my shyness about having company is that throughout my entire life, when I am with people, I prefer to be really present. I am the one that locks eyes and stays focused and listens well and creates a soothing atmosphere for my guests. A time of refuge and calm. A time to escape and indulge in self care and self love. I just couldn't fathom being able to give that to my guests when my attention, intentions and focus is always on Cedar and his needs. What would I do if I couldn't lock eyes while sharing? Couldn't fully listen because he starts to fuss mid conversation or needs to be rocked or taken away to soothe him to sleep? It has actually been breaking my heart that I haven't been able to give the attention to my loved ones, friends, family that I so love to give. Although Cedar is so worth it and everyone has been so entirely gentle and understanding...it is still a process for me to find the balance of caring for him and caring for them the way I desire to.
So, with all of this said, I haven't had many visitors but last week, I felt a bit ready to try. To dip my toes in and see what I am like now when my attention is also on someone else other than the person I am sharing with. I have been missing, craving my girlfriends and connecting on other levels that fill me up other than just being a mommy to my sweet son. I feel it is so important to him, to me, to my husband that I not lose those other parts of me that make me who I am as a 37 year old first time mother-woman. ; )
Stacy is that kind of soul-friend that you feel you can be all things with and still feel so utterly accepted and comfortable in her presence. She is much like me in that she has a quiet energy, soothing and fully present when someone is sharing with her. So, I know she's been struggling with this balance in her own world, which is why I felt safe to have her here and practice with her, knowing she has been trying on this new way of being as well.
It was wonderful. So wonderful to have her here and to jump between talking about poopie diapers, all of the embarrassing things that happen to new moms and then to our businesses and what we feel passionate about in regards to our art. Between it all, we were stopping mid conversation to play with our babes, feed them, change them, roll around with them, take photos and films. It was the perfect balance of what we needed and now I think we both feel ready to bring more of it into our lives. Since Bella is almost 8 months older, Stacy was guiding me and reassuring me just by me observing how relaxed and calm she was going from one Bella need to the next while still helping me to feel listened to. I was happy and open to learn from her.
As I have shared before, Stacy and I have been through a rough road on the journey to find our children. So, to have her and her magical daughter here in my home was so very surreal. The reality of it caught us off guard so many times as we flashed back to the plethora of emails and phone calls and conversations over wine we shared of tears, anger, hurt, longing, sorrow and grief. And now...now there they were sitting/laying on a blanket together, sharing toys, staring at one another, comfy with one another right away, as if they've known one another for years. I wouldn't doubt that they did hang out wherever baby spirits hang together before they come into the lives of those longing for them.
I loved how we caught Cedar learning from his older friend. He started to make different sounds and scoot across the floor a bit faster. He was so entertained and enthralled with Bella and observed her intensely. We are grateful that Bella Boo Bear spread some wisdom his way.
And the coolest thing was...after we put them to bed, Stacy and I snuggled down in true girly-friend fashion and watched our favorite show The L Word. See, we haven't changed. We're still the same gals pre-baby that used to lust over our favorite girl Shane. ; )
{Swirly is on her way to my home for a few days. See? I think my mojo is resurfacing!}