{sexy face capture, eh?}

I watched this video before posting and totally cracked up. I love how scattered my thoughts are these days, how fumbly numbly words come out of my mouth, how when I am tired, the words "like" and "um" are in almost every sentence (hello california girl). So fun!

Regarding the question I put out there to you on this vlog, know that it is purely out of a need for some inspiration. A dose of purpose and clarity, for this space and also for my book.

Those of you that have been long time readers know that my blog has always been a sacred space to me where I spill freely with emotion. Sometimes it is used to share my art (which always includes emotion). Sometimes to share how others have inspired me and changed my world for the better.

I write with the intention of healing and working through things in my life. It serves a similar purpose as a written journal, although I don't quite share all deeply personal things here out of respect for the personal privacy of the loved ones in my life.

One of the many times I have met up with other bloggettes, one dear soul said to me about 5 minutes after meeting me for the first time, "it is refreshing to know that in person, you are exactly how you are on your blog." I will never forget that moment, sitting up high in a bright and shiny bar, overlooking Santa Monica, sipping martinis and cuddling on a couch. That moment just confirmed that people see me here in this space. The real me. The authentic me and that is really important for how I choose to live my life and how I choose to share the real deal here in my sweet blog pages.

So, all that to say...my intentions with this question is purely to inspire me to continue to do what feels right for me in this space. I just need gentle nudges of inspiration while I am resurfacing from new mummyhood and rediscovering my place in the creative world.

{for those of you unable to watch videos, the question i posed was "what draws you to my blog and moreso, blog writings?"....oh, and i also asked you to think of a sexier phrase than "baby brain".}

magic sexy couch*

my sister darlene
my sister darlene, canon 50d

A few months ago, I went to lunch and to a consignment shop with Em. She had found a gem of an old 60's style orange chair there and I was hoping to find one similar. Instead, Em spotted this gorgeous vintage couch covered in a color blue that took my breath away. She was so adorably excited about it, laid on it and said "can't you see photographing lots of pretty people on this couch?" Then she made me lay on it and took a photo of me with her phone, just to show me how sexy it truly was. Her feelings were contagious. At first I resisted the gorgeousness because well, we had NO ROOM in our loft. Like, none...for a new couch. So, I walked away painfully and both her and I were sad that it might not end up in my home.

I couldn't get it out of my mind. I just felt so attached already (you know the feeling). This couch belonged in my boho home. I knew I would never find another like it. So, I begged and pleaded with the husband to at least come look at it before he went on about how we have no room. I knew he'd fall for the blueness too. And he did. He so loves me!!

So, we stuffed it in the VW bus and brought it home and now our place is more crowded than ever. Our abode has never been the same since and every time someone is photographed on our blue goddess, a sexy siren is born.

People continue to comment on the power of our couch. How it brings forth the sexy in all who lounge and curl up. I hope you all never tire of it because you might see quite a bit of it in the future.

I wonder...I wonder how all these powers came to be. Who owned it and what spell they cast on the cushions. Lets have fun, get creative...and make up some stories about the history of my magic sexy couch. Do tell...

joy*

stacy anne de la rosa
stacy anne, canon 50d

This image of Stacy laughing has brought me so much joy today. Laughter always has. People who know me best, know that I am a giggler. Whether I am joyous or nervous or uncomfortable...and sometimes even when I am hurting. I tend to mock myself while in a mess of tears when I call a loved one or cuddle with them on the couch. I laugh at myself. Laugh and cry simultaneously.

I recall my best friend and I (during high school days) once got in an argument while staring in the mirror curling our hair. We had been besties for four years and had never once had a disagreement. So it was the first time we disagreed and lightly snapped at one another and not but a second later, we were cracking up at ourselves. Laughing until we fell to the floor holding our bellies. I knew then that I needed to surround myself with people that could laugh at themselves and laugh with me. Because that is what I do to survive and sustain joy in my life.

Tell me one thing that has brought joy into your life lately or something that has made you belly laugh good.

family nap*


boho boy, amber kitty and boho baby, canon 50d

Today we decided that Sunday is Family Day. We also dreamed up that this includes a family nap during Cedar's first nap of the day.

Our routine when putting Cedar down for naps or bedtime is to lay him on our bed first. Turn off the lights. Put soft new age music on. Light up the turtle that projects stars on the ceiling. Stroke his head and belly and cuddle up in a love sandwich until he falls asleep. Then put him in his crib. He sleeps better and longer and more peaceful when we're able to do this.

But during Family Nap...we all get to stay in bed. This was our first time in what we hope to be a Sunday tradition. Cedar twisted himself so that he had his legs resting up on daddy's back and his arms stretch back to touch me, holding onto my hand. We all fell asleep like this and a bit later, when I opened my eyes, I saw that Amber had rested her head on Cedar's belly. My heart about melted into butter. So I tip-toed away to capture it with my lens.

I remember a few years back I had a phone call with a woman that has an extraordinary gift of connecting with our guardian angels. I recall her telling me that one of my angels wanted me to know that there will be a moment in a few years when I will be so overcome with complete peace about the very long, hard road to finally being with my child.

I think opening my eyes and seeing this (in photo above) was the moment my sweet angel spoke of.

{fun news:: i am the featured blogger this week over at TodaysMama...how dreamy leading up to mothers day *sigh*}

food face*


cedar loves his peas, taken with phone

So, we didn't quite know what we were doing but do we ever? Go with the flow and our intuition is always our motto in this house. It has worked fabulous so far in regards to nurturing our son's needs.

The other day we lined up in front of Cedar a bunch of tiny organic baby food jars. The ones that are for 4+ months. He's five months, so we thought...okay! Lets try it! The Pediatrician said we could ease our way into food by doing brown rice cereal in his bottle and Cedar LOVES this each night and has for a few weeks now.

So, we let him try a spoonful of each flavor to see which one he fancied. And guess which ones were his faves? Peas and carrots (that's my boy, already a granola). So, the next day and the next I let him eat lots of peas and carrots until he didn't want anymore (pushed spoon away with puckered face). Then all of a sudden he got VERY bloated and cranky for two days and I called my mom in tears saying "I have a baby question!!!". She gently told me that veggies can be harsh on baby bellies at first...especially sensitive ones like his. So, to start out slow with fruit (bananas and apple sauce). We decided to lay off food for a week to let his belly heal and it did and he is totally back to himself (which is a super happy, chilled out zen dude).

Last night I put a few scoops of banana baby food into his brown rice cereal and he was BLISSED out, man. Like I handed him a banana split or something. Belly isn't bloated today. Good news. Not so good news is that his poops were little hard turds today. Not all smushy and oatmeal like any more (you will never look at oatmeal the same now). So...next stop is apple sauce in rice cereal. He'll think its an apple martini. Hopefully he'll have smushy apple poops. All sweet smelling. YUM.

I couldn't resist showing you guys this photo I took for my family when we first tried the stuff. Mr. Food Face.

romantic day*


cedar and me doing kissy face, taken with phone

Yesterday felt so romantic with my boy. My wee boy. My lil' son (I still get goosebumps saying this).

All day we had the windows open so that the cool, crisp breeze came through. We listened to the album "Now the day is Over" by The Innocence Mission. Very melty. Soft. Dreamy. The kind of melodies that take you away into a puffy cloud way of being.

We danced, holding one another, swaying back and forth. We laid side by side, looking at one another, gazing, smiling, touching foreheads, breathing in one another's scents.

We went on a walk and stared up into trees. Listened to birds. I love seeing his face light up when a bird flies over him. I am rediscovering the world around me because of his soul.

Then, when I went to check in on him because his nap was way longer than it normally was, there in the dark, in his crib, when I squinted, I saw two huge eyes looking at me. It startled me. Then I realized how very adorable it was. That he was just lying there quietly looking up at the stars (we have a turtle that projects stars onto the ceiling). And I started laughing so hard, which made him laugh so hard. The kind of laughter where you start tearing up because you can't stop and then when I picked him up from his crib, I held him laughing and then I started to cry. Cry because I love him so, so very much it hurts.

He causes every emotion in me, every day and I appreciate every bitty morsel. Every one. And every bit of him.

The photo above was taken as a picture/text message to send to my family. It was taken in the middle of our long, romantic hours spent together.

He has such a soft, sweet, intuitive spirit for a being so young...and I feel beyond honored to be his mother. I am beginning to grasp that our long journey was to prepare for a very special child. He has plans.

swirly + cedar


swirly and cedar

There is no way to avoid the fact that as long as Cedar hangs with my crowd, he is going to be a goof. It was wonderful having the magical Swirly Girl in our home. So many laughs that were much needed for both of us...but also beautiful conversations about how we can be our kindest and truest selves in all areas of our lives.

Last night, after we ate (and drooled over) the DELICIOUS dinner she made and left for us, Boho Boy, Boho Baby and I snuggled in bed reading one of the many beautifully illustrated children's books that she gave to Cedar. She even spreads magic when she leaves.

Speaking of our home, we've recently been told that the atmosphere here is like one huge bong hit. ; ) That totally cracks us up.

stacy anne + bella wish








stacy anne + bella wish in my home, canon 50d

Since having Cedar, I have been a bit shy about having company stay over other than family. I think in the beginning, it was all about our need to be in a love bubble. Our very precious time of bonding as a family with our new addition. Our new addition with a very special story in how he came into our tribe. Then I think the shyness came from our lack of sleep and inability to hold a decent conversation. We were just in survival mode and could barely function outside of the simple needs of the three of us in our home. Now I think my shyness about having company is that throughout my entire life, when I am with people, I prefer to be really present. I am the one that locks eyes and stays focused and listens well and creates a soothing atmosphere for my guests. A time of refuge and calm. A time to escape and indulge in self care and self love. I just couldn't fathom being able to give that to my guests when my attention, intentions and focus is always on Cedar and his needs. What would I do if I couldn't lock eyes while sharing? Couldn't fully listen because he starts to fuss mid conversation or needs to be rocked or taken away to soothe him to sleep? It has actually been breaking my heart that I haven't been able to give the attention to my loved ones, friends, family that I so love to give. Although Cedar is so worth it and everyone has been so entirely gentle and understanding...it is still a process for me to find the balance of caring for him and caring for them the way I desire to.

So, with all of this said, I haven't had many visitors but last week, I felt a bit ready to try. To dip my toes in and see what I am like now when my attention is also on someone else other than the person I am sharing with. I have been missing, craving my girlfriends and connecting on other levels that fill me up other than just being a mommy to my sweet son. I feel it is so important to him, to me, to my husband that I not lose those other parts of me that make me who I am as a 37 year old first time mother-woman. ; )

Stacy is that kind of soul-friend that you feel you can be all things with and still feel so utterly accepted and comfortable in her presence. She is much like me in that she has a quiet energy, soothing and fully present when someone is sharing with her. So, I know she's been struggling with this balance in her own world, which is why I felt safe to have her here and practice with her, knowing she has been trying on this new way of being as well.

It was wonderful. So wonderful to have her here and to jump between talking about poopie diapers, all of the embarrassing things that happen to new moms and then to our businesses and what we feel passionate about in regards to our art. Between it all, we were stopping mid conversation to play with our babes, feed them, change them, roll around with them, take photos and films. It was the perfect balance of what we needed and now I think we both feel ready to bring more of it into our lives. Since Bella is almost 8 months older, Stacy was guiding me and reassuring me just by me observing how relaxed and calm she was going from one Bella need to the next while still helping me to feel listened to. I was happy and open to learn from her.

As I have shared before, Stacy and I have been through a rough road on the journey to find our children. So, to have her and her magical daughter here in my home was so very surreal. The reality of it caught us off guard so many times as we flashed back to the plethora of emails and phone calls and conversations over wine we shared of tears, anger, hurt, longing, sorrow and grief. And now...now there they were sitting/laying on a blanket together, sharing toys, staring at one another, comfy with one another right away, as if they've known one another for years. I wouldn't doubt that they did hang out wherever baby spirits hang together before they come into the lives of those longing for them.

I loved how we caught Cedar learning from his older friend. He started to make different sounds and scoot across the floor a bit faster. He was so entertained and enthralled with Bella and observed her intensely. We are grateful that Bella Boo Bear spread some wisdom his way.

And the coolest thing was...after we put them to bed, Stacy and I snuggled down in true girly-friend fashion and watched our favorite show The L Word. See, we haven't changed. We're still the same gals pre-baby that used to lust over our favorite girl Shane. ; )

{Swirly is on her way to my home for a few days. See? I think my mojo is resurfacing!}

sling bliss*


me and boho baby on the first day of sling bliss after
stacy showed me how to do it, taken with camera phone,
sorry for the crappy quality

When I imagined my baby before he came to be, I envisioned us walking everywhere, here and there with him wrapped up in a sling against my bosom. From birth until he was too big to fit, I always wanted to be able to share this experience together. Especially when we knew we were going to adopt, I thought the idea of carrying him close, would somehow make up for those months when I couldn't carry him in the womb.

Then the first time I put him in the gorgeous newborn Asian silk sling I got years ago, he screamed piercingly so. I tried again. More screaming. I tried another sling made for me by a dear blog reader friend (which is my fave, shown above). Not so much. Our little dude just didn't like to be confined. He would always wiggle his arms out of his Miracle Blanket and sleep with them stretched wide up above his head. He still does this. He's our little free spirit. So, I had to let go of cradling him in a sling against my bosom. I folded the three slings I had and put them away.

We found a few carriers that we love but it still didn't replace the yearning I had for the sling. I suppose it just felt more natural for me to do it this way as so many women have done before me for hundreds of years.

When Stacy came over last week and I saw her putting Bella in her sling sitting upright, I had forgotten that when he had head control, I could do this! This wasn't quite as confined...so perhaps he'll have a little more patience with it. Stacy showed me how to slip him in on my hip and voila, he was sitting up in the sling and was fully content. Funny how you feel more brave trying things when someone is near supporting every step of the way. Stacy witnessed a mushy momma moment. How very overcome with excitement I was. We decided to go on a walk with our babies on our hips. He didn't cry once. He clung to my bosom and rested his head on my shoulder. It was bliss. It felt natural and dreamy...for both of us.

Today I tried it again. My husband and I took our weekly trip to Target to stock up on formula and these AWESOME eco-friendly diapers (can't seem to find them anywhere else except Target and Babies R Us...weird). I decided to try it again and guess what? He fell asleep. I looked up at my husband and said "honey, we are living our dream" and Boho Boy bent down to kiss me tender and then we both sighed and kissed Cedar on his head. Delicious moment.


today...me & a sleeping boho baby, taken by boho boy with his camera phone

sparky + bear







cedar & bella, canon 50d

I have some beautiful thoughts to share about my time last week with Stacy Anne and her daughter Bella in my home. I've been waiting for that perfect moment. You know...time alone, lights dim, candles lit, warm tea nearby. Sometimes in order to spill fluidly and true I need to set aside a romantic self date with those elements. But this week...it just isn't happening. Cedar is beginning to teeth and oh my...by the end of the day I am tired to the bone. Homeopathic teething tablets, teething potions, ice and wash cloths, momma's arm, massaging his gums, whatever it takes but the poor sweet guy has been out of sorts.

So until I get that romantic time to write, I did want to leave you with a teaser; These darling shots of our miracle babies. Miracles meaning, Stacy and I shared a roller coaster journey to our children. It brought her and I together. At times we saved one another. So, to see our children hanging as buds was pretty surreal. So many times we'd stop and look at one another and say "our babies are here!". Sometimes teary, sometimes giggling, sometimes silence and awe.

Boho Boy has nicknamed Cedar "Sparky". No idea where it came from but looking at these photos, it totally fits. Bella's nickname from Stacy and Jimmy is "Boo Bear". Hence...the title of this post. ; )

Aren't they just the cutest together? I love how in the second photo, Cedar is checking out her cute dimply bootie. That's our boy.

my sojourn on a cleanse...


cedar and me this morning, taken with my camera phone

Many of you sweet mind and body journey sisters/brothers have asked me what cleanse I am on. I was actually a bit hesitant to share only because it is a cleanse that my husband and I invented to suit us based on our experience with other cleanses/diets we've tried on our journey to conceive. Its not solely from one book or idea or philosophy or a website or a green food organization of sorts. It is a cleanse that my husband and I concocted knowing what we could handle right now with a new baby, what foods feel right and what foods make us crabby and less present in our world. I was a bit afraid to share it because I was certain there were some hard core cleansers out there that were going to say "you're doing it SO wrong! here...let me give you lots of advice you ignorant cleansers!" I suppose if someone does want to say this, my response would be that I believe we are all different bodies and souls and minds and what works for some, may not work for others. I would also say that each of us have inner guides and if we truly listen and become aware of how our body reacts to what we put in our mouth or a particular activity, it could teach us so many things about what steps to take on the road to a more whole and alive you.

One of the coolest things I've ever heard was during a raw food cooking class (or shall I say non-cooking) I took with Stacy in Los Angeles a bit ago. Our sexy sassy healthy instructor had told us that cleansing can be as simple as taking one thing out of your diet for 30 days; caffeine, dairy, chocolate, etc. So, this is why I feel I can say I am on a cleanse...even though I am still eating. ; )

We've done SO many diets over the last five years, suggested by our naturopaths, all with the intention of conceiving. Even though we didn't conceive, it did open our minds to foods we would have otherwise not tried. Although, I do have a wee bit of a bad taste in my mouth about trying any one particular diet at this time in my life. I associate so much of that with sadness, depression and that constant longing for a baby and disappointment that after all of my hard whole body work, I still didn't get pregnant. I mean, guys...when I was on the Blood Type Diet, I thought that if I ate popcorn, Boho Boy's sperm wouldn't penetrate my precious egg. You know what I'm sayin'? I attached shame, guilt, blame to so many foods that I love. BTW...I love love love popcorn and now eat it in moderation (because corn is an *avoid* for B blood typers).

With all of that said, we now try to do things more gently, with forgiveness and without shame or blame. I know many of you that have or are still walking the path of fertility, those feelings are truly tough on the bones. We are still healing from it all. We are now cherishing those nuggets of wisdom we did learn from each place and applying it to our life again....at a pace that feels merciful and kind.

So, what we're doing is this:

Morning: Salt water flush
Morning - 3pm Lemonade drink
3pm - 6pm ~ light snacks (string cheese with apple or celery with nut butter, half of a grapefruit, cucumber slices, carrots), yogi slim life blueberry green tea
Dinner: Yummy salad full of a lot of raw yumminess. For me, I need a protein on top or I will be crabby with Cedar, so I have been putting a bit of organic turkey, tuna or chicken on the salad. Dressing with salad: fresh squeezed lemon juice, olive oil, white wine vinegar and agave nectar
Dessert: Chocolate Smooth Move (herbal laxative tea)
Dry brushing before bathing/showering (just started this today)
Drinking lots of shiny, happy water!

I am on day five and even though I haven't lost a pound, my intention was more to clean out some toxins and feel more clear headed and I am feeling wonderful. This is just what I needed to begin anew. I wanted to approach this lifestyle change in a positive, more self loving head space and I just wasn't there last week. But today, I am loving myself more. Our next step is a four-visit colonic. Yay us! I've never done one of those, so I am so curious what your experiences have been if you've been so brave. It pretty much freaks me out but I am ready to clean out my intestines!

{newsflash: Cedar turns 5 months tomorrow!!}

gentle daisy souls*


cedar & me, taken by stacy anne

Thank you, sweet and gentle daisy souls.

I have marinated in all of your wisdom. Your support, gentleness, compassion and resonating hearts have given me wings over the last few days.

I feel better...all over. I started a gentle cleanse and have been eating more mindfully and saying loving words/affirmations to my self and body.

This morning I woke up a happier me. A more fun mommy. A more sassy wife.

This is just the beginning of a journey to discover how to take care of me, the way my body needs. We are all unique and as I read your stories, I celebrate that uniqueness. I will gather your wisdom as nuggets in remembrance of this.

For years I created a healthier life for me with the intention of trying to conceive a child. Now, I am learning to do this with the intention of feeling more alive and aware and revitalized. The motivation has shifted, which makes it a new journey for me.

Love to you all on your own tender body loving journeys.

denise, boho girl

hiding*


bella wish and boho, taken by stacy anne with my canon 50d

I had such a very healing, nurturing, magical time with Miss Bella Wish and Stacy Anne the past few days here in my home. So much so, that I plan to do a very special post about it all, including some delicious photos of their sweet connection as mommy and daughter. I also caught a few precious moments of Bella and Cedar playing together. Too fricken adorable, man...these miracle babies of ours!

What I am going to share today is not easy for me. I have some conflict about whether or not to spill out such tender, personal emotions but then again, my blog has always been a place where I do this. I've always promised to be authentic and true...even on the days when that means I am feeling so totally messy inside. Today was one of those days.

This morning I recorded a video for my girlfriends. It was of me dancing for Cedar. The camera was set a bit far away from me, so they could get the full effect of my groovin' and his giggling. I didn't expect to have the reaction I did when I watched it. I started crying. I wish I could say they were tears of joy but in all honesty, they were tears of humiliation and frustration. The woman I saw on that video, didn't feel like the woman I am inside. The woman I saw is 30 pounds heavier than the doctors say I should be. In photos I am a master at hiding that part of me. It is my job to know those flattering angles for my clients and of course I use those skills on myself. We only have three mirrors in our house. Two are tiny bathroom mirrors where we can only see our faces and one is a mirror that is about as tall as my legs and I prop it up here and there in my bedroom when I need to see if what I am wearing looks alright. I can barely get my full body image in the mirror. So, in some way, it has been kind of nice not having to focus on what we look like clothed or naked. ; ) The lack of mirrors in our home has been a wonderful reminder to focus on our inner beauty rather than our outer beauty.

Why it is hard for me to share that I am not comfortable with my weight is that I was That Girl who was all about her curves. "Embrace Your Curves" was my motto...for years, through high school, college and life after. I was never skinny and never really wanted to be. There was a time when I became alarmingly thin but that was either from being sick in the hospital or after a break-up from a long relationship. That doesn't count because it wasn't something I was consciously wanting to happen...and when it did, I wanted my curves back. I am so extremely drawn to and attracted to the body of a woman. I love the hills and valleys...so inspiring to draw, paint or photograph. Curves make me feel sexy and alluring and touch a deep, deep place in my soul that celebrates womanhood, sisterhood and all things feminine.

So, my feelings of not being happy with my weight truly have nothing to do with me wanting to be a really thin person. What it is about is that all of this extra weight represents a time in my life where I was depressed and feeling lethargic and sad. Most of it is the weight I gained taking hormones to try and get pregnant because my body was very sensitive to them. These fertility meds triggered my thyroid and endometriosis and since I have felt different than I used to. I don't have as much energy and I am in a lot of pain at times. This doesn't happen to everyone but it happened to me. I don't want to scare people away from fertility treatments. I have met others that have not had this experience.

I was being treated for my thyroid by my Naturopath but the treatment ended up putting 10 more pounds onto my body within a few weeks, which confused my doctor, so we were just about to go through a battery of tests to figure out the mystery, when we got the call that our birth mother was in labor.

Then everything changed as far as me taking gentle care of myself. It was all about preparing for the baby to come, chucking all of our fertility diets out the window and becoming new parents to our brilliant little boy. Everyone knows that the first few months with a new baby lends to your whole world turning around...especially in regards to your health because the focus is off of you and onto the wee one. Needless to say, since I don't have a nanny and a housekeeper and a chef, I have been eating poorly and not exercising and have been extremely tired. But we are starting to come around. My husband went on a cleanse last week and I plan to start one tomorrow. When I went on the Master Cleanse for 10 days last April, I remember feeling alive and craving healthy foods and feeling so...well...CLEAN. ; ) I am tired of craving bread and cheese and pasta lately. I need to detox and retrain my brain for what is healthy for my bod.

I just feel sad. Sad that I am not embracing my more padded curves. I love being in that head space where I know I am not as thin as my friend sitting next to me but it didn't matter. I felt sexy. I felt wanton. I felt bad ass. ; )

Now I just feel heavy and tired and not so lovely. What I saw on that video today isn't who I feel I am inside. So, I want to take some gentle steps to get back there. I know I am a new mommy and Cedar comes first, so I will try not to put too much pressure on myself or do anything drastic but tomorrow I am starting anew; cleansing, detoxing, drinking more water, eating more greens, getting more exercise, embracing nature more than my couch. I've even made a few appointments to deal with my thyroid and endo. Yes, yes...this is what I need. This is what Cedar needs. This is what Boho Boy needs from me.

They need a woman in their home that is comfy in her skin and in her heart.

I saw this photo of me and Bella up above and thought it was so apropos to how I have been feeling. I remembered when Stacy captured this moment, I strategically placed Miss Bella in front of me to hide the bulges. I wanted to hide behind her beauty.

I don't want to hide anymore. In order to not hide, I need to explore these feelings. I need to share them so that you all know where I am at these days. Being so aware and open will help hold me accountable to gently make those steps to a healthier, more comfortable me.

No more hiding. Just accepting, honoring, exploring, loving, nurturing and challenging my body so that I can truly embrace my curves again.

why i heart text messaging...

Since Boho Boy's family lives in Canada and my family is in Northern California (which you'd think wouldn't feel far except that it is a 10 hour drive from here to San Francisco), one of the ways we stay connected is through text/picture messaging. We share kisses back and forth, images of our adventures and lots of mushy love.

I resisted texting for so long because all I saw were people walking around town with their heads down, typing away with their thumbs and not quite aware of what was going on around them. I didn't want to feel disconnected by my surroundings while connecting with others miles away. So, I found a way to do both. Now you see me walking around and holding my phone up, taking a photo of what I see and sending it off to my family and close friends.

I wanted to share a few picture messages I received and sent on my phone Thursday and Friday. Seriously, we do this every day...sometimes all day long::


my niece Angela sent this to me Thursday morning while walking
to work in San Francisco. blessing me with the sunrise in the city.
she knows how much this means to me because i once took
this walk in the same city to work. how i miss it so.


Angela then sent me, Boho Boy and Cedar kisses while at work.
i love how she is so boho-chic at the office. yum.


I sent her a kiss back while running errands with my boys. i no longer
sit in the passenger seat up front. cedar gets too lonely and loves his
mommy holding his chubby fingers during the drive.


This is Cedar sitting beside me in the car...wanted my family to
feel as if they were with us. I always send them a photo of him in the car!


my sister Darlene sent us kisses and an "I love You"...even
though she was cuddled up on the couch not feeling well. her bad
Lupus days break my heart and i wish i could take care of her.


me sending them kisses back. its all about kisses in my family. ; )
kisses and bum squeezes.


me showing them that Boho Boy was giving Cedar a geography lesson.
not sure if all of you know this but he used to teach Kindergarten and then 5th grade for years. how grateful am i that he knows how to teach children so well?

Another thing Angela and I do is send photos of our outfits back and forth...mostly what we are wearing for the day. Her and I share the same style and most of our responses to these picture messages are..."Oh, I am so jealous, I want that outfit!"


me sending this to angela, showing her my new anthro dress

Angela sends this back to me...{love it!}


love that she gets her friends/boyfriend to help. ; )

rockabilly baby*


cedar, 4.5 months, canon 50d

Momma had way too much fun with hair gel. ; )

Before I had Cedar, I told my husband that I probably won't be that new mom that always posts photos of her baby on my blog. I suppose I am surprising myself because truly, I just can't resist sharing with all of you the special moments of my days with him. This moment above was one of them. I dressed him up like a rockabilly baby and he blessed me with baby giggles when I put gel in his hair. I am not sure if this look is really him. I think he's more of a boho-hippy soul but it was supremely fun, nonetheless.

I want to be sensitive to my readers that are still longing, trying, hoping for a baby of their own. My wish is that Cedar and his sweet spirit and dreamy gray/blue eyes will give hope to so many. Hope that whether you create your family through adoption or fertility treatments or naturally conceiving, that if you have a deep desire to be a mom, that desire is there for a reason.

So many days I wondered why my desire was there, when it just felt like month after month, year after year, it just wasn't going to come to fruition. My desire was there because Cedar was meant for us 4.5 years after we started longing for him.

The other day the three of us were snuggled up on the couch. Cedar between a mommy/daddy sandwich. It is these moments that Boho Boy and I look at one another and sigh and think how absolutely perfect he is for us in every. single. way. We always say to one another at those times..."I LOVE HIM! This is our son, honey." Mmmmmm. So fricken worth the wait, dudes.

So, I hope these photos are more pleasing than annoying. More helpful than hurtful. More hopeful than hopeless.

Love,
the mommy that said she wouldn't but can't stop