living in the moment*

bella and cedar, living in the moment of their connection, canon 50d

Yesterday I was feeling a bit melancholy and struggling with living in the present. I was curled up on my couch, looking out the window, wanting to be somewhere else.

Somewhere colder, crisper, strolling my son down streets with funky boutiques and cafes and culture. I wanted to be in Victoria, B.C...heading from downtown towards my cute cottage of a house. A cottage near the sea and surrounded by tall trees.

Then I glanced over at Cedar and there he was completely fascinated with this plastic cover for a storage tray. He held it up to the light, pursed his lips, brightened his eyes, observing all its lines and curves. He was fully living in the present. Not longing for the past or wishing for the future. He was so in the moment.

So, I lifted him up and brought him outside with me. I found a tree to sit under with him. I told him I was struggling, that I wanted to be more in the moment like he is. He gazed in my eyes and tickled my face with his fingers and what I saw in him was complete acceptance. He reminded me to accept where I am. To revel in it. Not to push it away or attach any shame to it. So, I surrendered and whispered out loud to our tree all of my wishes of cool air and Victoria and ocean and trees and cottage.

Then something really cool happened. I felt like it was released and not so tightly wound inside of my soul. Like I've done my part in wishing and hoping and manifesting for the moment and I could let go and trust that my desires are there for a reason. So the remainder of our time under the tree, I was observing the leaves swish back and forth, feeling the softness of my son's hand in mine, watching the cars drive to and fro down below the hill. And I realized something. I was suddenly living in the moment. So, I lifted Cedar up, touching his nose to mine and thanked him for being a little Buddha and bringing me back to center. He is so good like that.

unspoken moments*

cedar and me, taken with phone

Cedar and I do this quite often throughout the day. Explore one another's faces. No talking. Just gazing, caressing and soul searching. It is so very intimate and bonding.

I wish we could all do this as adults more. Sit in silence together more often. Gaze at one another without feeling awkward or uncomfortable or too vulnerable. There is so much to be said in silence, in quiet...when it is easy to hear the birds, the wind, your breath...nature happening around you...together.

I remember last year at Squam, this beautiful person who had been reading my blog but we had yet to meet, approached me. She put a hand on each one of my shoulders and took in a deep breath, gazing into my eyes. Her savoring this moment was so unspoken and all I could do was tear up and allow myself to soak it in along with her. Words were unnecessary. I'll never forget that because I realized I didn't put up a guard of protection around my heart and start rambling nervously.

Why do we protect ourselves from moments like this?

cedar's fairy godmother...

{video by jen}

...and our dear friend, jen gray.

serenade*

yesterday at the bohos, canon 50d

Yesterday I walked around quietly and in mindfulness that all of the hard work. All the pain. All of the weeping. All of the tear soaked pillows. All of the confusion. The unanswered questions. The fear. The longing. The aching of a wounded heart. All of it has purpose in my life now. The idea that our pain, our trials are present in our life not only to help mold us into our most beautiful and true selves but to help others do the same, is humbling me to the core.

Sometimes in our pain or in our stories, we feel so isolated and alone. But our stories aren't just about us. Our stories are happening for others to learn from, love from, grow from and with this knowledge, it gives us more purpose. And with this purpose, we have more reason to keep going.

I'm going to keep it simple today and just say that...because that is enough to move mountains in our lives. In my life. Truly.

Today I marinate in the serenade of life purpose.

hearts changing course*

self portrait smooch, taken today with phone

I sent this kissy picture message (above) to all of my lovelies while parked outside of a coffee shop, about to enter into the lovely land of "me" time. I was feeling sassy and excited and alive. Sundays are the days I get to sit all day at a coffee shop, with headphones on, to work on my book and another project that I am keeping a bit mum for now. This was my sweet, darling husband's idea. Bless him!

A piece of my days here in the cafe is spent going through the archives of my Chronicles of Me blog. The blog where I spilled all the deeply raw bits of our fertility journey. I have started from the very beginning and as this is my second Sunday doing this, I have only read through my first 6 months. What I am doing is writing down in a journal all of the wise nuggets that carried me through. What I also find myself doing is getting lost into a world where I haven't been in a long while.

I think I am feeling tender today because I am really FEELING all of it. Here I sit in the corner of this cafe, up against a window and biting back tears. So many moments I have to look away from the screen and take a huge breath. I think so much of that comes from how I am reading it now objectively. The same girl, but a different girl. The girl that knows how it ends (or begins). The girl that just left her beautiful baby, kissed him all over, hugged her husband and took off to a cafe. Had I known way back then, where I would be today...it would have made my journey a bit softer with a cushion for the pain. But then again, I also sit here knowing that I needed to go through it because if I didn't, I would be different than who I am today and I am so very happy with what the lessons did for my heart, my life, my way of BEing in this world. So in a sense, I am that parent or mentor or big sister to the old me, nodding my head, knowing I have to let go and let her go through it all.

Interesting stuff.

How could I have known way back then that I would be okay with adoption? Adoption was always such a beautiful thing to me. I admired it from afar. But while going through my own journey, I was so very attached to growing my child in my belly and birthing him into this world (literally). People assume because we adopted, that I was okay with it from the beginning as many blessed couples are. I don't even remember if I ever shared here on my blog that I actually wasn't totally okay or open to it for my own personal journey up until the very last moment. Whenever we got a phone call from our dear friend Tammy about a birth mom, it took me time to come to a space where I was open to hear more. This is why we had to take months off from the idea of it after the first adoption fell through. I just didn't feel ready. I still felt attached to conceiving naturally and I had taken the fall through as a sign that it just wasn't meant to be.

Even when we got the call about K, our birth mom that carried Cedar, I cried in my husband's chest. I suppose to me at that time, allowing adoption into my life sort of solidified that we were going to stop trying, indefinitely. Logically, I understood that we would be too exhausted as new parents to try for another. I understood the logic that we are far away from living near family and with two little babes, I would need help. Then of course, there were those ugly voices...ugly untrue voices that told me time is ticking. In two years I will be 39 and blah blah blah. Those are the gremlins that creep in from close-minded fertility doctors, articles and hundreds of books that are all about the "last good egg" philosophy. A philosophy I find dis-empowering and I am not a fan of, nor do I believe in it down deep in my heart. But I digress...

I can remember many phone calls to loved ones where I wept, full of fear that if I adopted, I had to let go of this one precious desire I held so close to my heart. I knew that I longed to be a mother and raise a beautiful, conscious child and that is why adoption was an option for me, for us...but I also couldn't let go of the desire to be pregnant. It was a vision that I held in my mind my entire life.

Then something shifted in a big way. Something I didn't expect. Something that swooped into my heart without any movement on my part. When I first heard the voice of K, our birth mom, I knew...I just knew...she was carrying our child. My heart for this young woman, within just a few words whispered from her sweet southern lilt of a voice, grew to envelop the whole idea of what adoption was about for us. For us. Slowly, my heart was letting go of what I thought I needed and wanted and was accepting a whole new way of creating our family. I couldn't get K out of my mind after hanging up the phone from that first call. I liken it to talking with someone for the first time, that you feel you've known all of your life. Or perhaps felt you might have dreamed of this person. A deja-vu of sorts. The feeling that you've walked with them, side by side, in another lifetime before this one.

Still...still, the weeks following that day, I suffered from the pain of letting go of pregnancy. I still had phone calls with loved ones where my fears crept up and I wept and wept. I still ached for that life and couldn't fathom letting it go.

But then I met her. The first time she opened the door and looked into my eyes with her deep baby blues, I came undone. I saw her swelling belly and again, this deeply spiritual transformation began and I knew she was carrying my child. It was then and only then...one month before Cedar was born, that I completely let go of needing to be pregnant with him. It was in that instant. The moment I first saw her...and him in her belly.

My heart changed course and a whole new concept of growing a family opened up for me, for us.

If someone would have whispered this into my ear two years ago, I would have walked away from them full of hurt and frustration. I share this because I will never forget where it is to be where I was, wanting what I thought I needed so badly. I am grateful I have it documented on my old blog, just in case I do forget at times. Adoption is not for everyone. I know this. But the fact that I didn't feel it was for us and now, now...I cannot imagine it any other way, is a testament to the idea that hearts can completely change course in regards to something we are holding onto so tightly.

Now I look into his eyes, I hold him, I smell his skin...and he is so completely meant to be my son. I have never carried or birthed a child but if I had, I cannot imagine loving him any more than I do now. I cannot imagine feeling any more the belonging and connection as a family that I feel with him and my husband.

Now where I sit with the desire to be pregnant is that it just isn't there. Yes, yes...there are moments when I see a pregnant woman and I remember it all. Yes, I sometimes look out a window and wonder what it would feel like...but the longing isn't laced with pain. Just simply curiosity and wonder. To me, the fact that I feel THIS differently is totally and completely wild to me. Perhaps someday it will change. Perhaps it will always be this way. Perhaps someday I will become pregnant with our second child. Perhaps we will adopt a second child. Perhaps Cedar will always be our only child. My thoughts just don't really stay with those questions for very long and that feels so, so good.

So, as I sit here in the corner of the cafe and wipe my tears while going through the heart of a girl that once was, I believe and I have hope. I have hope that yes, our stubborn hearts can indeed change course. Change course to a path that is so very perfect for us...even if at one time we didn't think so.

6 months*

Dearest Cedar ~

Six months ago today, your daddy and I rushed to get on an airplane because of a panicked call from your birth parents that they felt you were coming very soon. Little did we know that you would patiently wait until we arrived at their doorstep in Oregon to send the signals that this was it...really really it, after a long month of back and forth plane and hospital trips. So, within five minutes of being there, we were on our way to the hospital not realizing we would not be leaving it for three days.

The day we arrived was the day you were born. Thank you for allowing us to be there for your birth. The whole experience of holding the hands of your birth parents while you entered the world, helped us to bond to you in a way that we specifically needed, without knowing it was what we needed. But you knew.

Now, six months later, I can say without a doubt that of course you knew. You have this old soul spirit about you that is very sensitive to other's needs. Every person that looks into your eyes feels it. It is a connection you make to the spirit of a person in an other worldly way. I knew before you were born, when I felt you near me, that this is how you would be but to be connected to it all day, for me...is breathtaking.

Mommy and daddy are beginning to feel more clarity these days because you are sleeping through the night either 8, 9 or 10 hours. Unless you are having bouts with teething. Then, its a bit of a struggle but we are learning to let go of getting used to any one way in the evenings. If you have a bad night, mommy is grateful that daddy stays up with us, so that we can work as a team, regardless if he has to get up early for work in the morning. We make it "family time" and roll with it. Your daddy rocks that way.

These days you are really into your swing. You're not so keen on jumping yet. You just love us to swing you back and forth to Zen music. It follows suit with your chill way of being. Elvis kitty sometimes lays underneath you to bat at your feet as you pass him. A cute little game that I never tire of watching.

You're also getting into your new Garden ExerSaucer. This is your exercise for standing since you're not into jumping. At this point you just grab everything and put it into your mouth one by one. You only want to be in there for a wee bit. Its not as soothing as the swing but so good for your muscles and motor skills! But again...you'd rather be chilling. ; )

I have gotten more brave the last few months and am now taking you to a park we discovered not far from here. We put out a blanket under a tree and we lay down and gaze up at the branches. The melodies from birds keep you relaxed. You love following them with your eyes from tree to tree. Sometimes mommy takes you to the big kid swings and holds onto you while we swing together. You could do this forever. One time you fell asleep. There is something about wind touching your face that transports you into lovey dovey dubey land.

We're also starting to walk early mornings at a regional park that has trails. I have learned that you are not a fan of the sun. You dig foggy mornings and cool sunsets but anything else is a bother. Discovering this was by trial and error and mommy is relieved to avoid the drama of a hot, sweaty, annoyed baby that starts crying a mile away from the car.

My favorite parts of the day are right before putting you down to sleep for naps and for bedtime. We lay down on our big soft bed, with the dragonfly lights strung across our wall shining, soft music, stars projected onto the ceiling and so much cuddling. You like to face us on your side and touch foreheads. This way you can stroke our hair or arm and we can stroke your head and back. This intimacy with you has been a closeness I have craved for so long. You are so gentle and soft and trusting. So connected for such a young age. Feeling your breath on my cheek and listening to you drift to sleep is something I will carry in my heart forever.

Mommy baths are a new favorite too. Since you were born, it was daddy who was taking a bath with you but last week I wanted to try. We are experimenting with foods and some days I love to let you play with it naked and get it everywhere. When this happens, you are a super sticky baby and need a bath, so into the tub with momma you go. The first time we did this and I held you to my chest, I cried. It wasn't until later that I realized it was because I had missed the bonding that breast feeding can provide for mother and child. Feeling your skin against mine gave me a sense of what it would feel like and it was then that I realized I can create that same kind of intimacy...but in our own way.

You love music and need it playing at all times. You are mesmerized by watching people perform on stage, so I had to succumb to watching American Idol this season. ; ) Your eyes would be glued to the performances until they were done. I am amazed at your attention span these days with not only music but conversations and toys. You are such an observer and are fine to sit quietly and do so for very long periods of time. You even like sitting in the Combi, in our bathroom to watch me get ready. You love helping me pick out an outfit for the day. I hold the clothing up to you and wait for a smile. You have fabulous taste!

You also don't seem to mind that wherever we go, people assume you're a girl. "She is so pretty!" "How old is she?". You just sit there, totally confident in who you are, never taking offense. ; )

You have also acquired a thing for older girls. Bella and Journey have taught you that being with a wise, older girl can teach you many things, like how to talk more, scoot further on the ground and how to be patient with allowing them to do with you whatever they wish. That's my boy.

One of the many things I love about you is the light in your eyes. This light carries me through my toughest days. You do this thing where you smile before you look away. The way adults do to reassure the person they are passing or finished talking with that all is well. You're just a kind soul, my love...through and through.

Happy six months. Today we are celebrating and soaking in all we have learned about the very cool person you are. You teach us to be better people every day.

winner of red paisley camera strap*

ivy & yindi, photo by em falconbridge

ivy, photo by em falconbridge

The winner of Em's gorgeous red paisley camera strap is...

LOLLY that said;

Love the camera straps! What a great way to honor our beloved cameras that capture all those beautiful moments of our lives.

Lolly, Ivy loved your name and wanted to draw a lollipop for you. ; ) Lolly means Candy in Australia, where this delicious family is originally from. Please email me at denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com with your mailing address. Congrats!

Those of you who entered and didn't win but can't get the strap out of your head, purchase one of Em's strap-delights here in her shop.

More sponsor GIVEaway's coming soon, folks.

meet jessamyn & journey...

jessamyn, journey and cedar lounging on a couch at the cafe, canon 50D

{The winner of the camera strap will be announced tomorrow. Em's daughter Ivy is creatively choosing the winner and needed more time. Thank you for your patience, to all of you who entered!}

Connections made in the blog world often take my breath away. I think because we share such vulnerable parts of ourselves that when you meet in person for the first time, it can often feel as though you've been together, sitting on a couch with tea over and over again.

When Jessamyn reached out to me because her family would be in the area on vacation, I was surprised at how eager I was to meet up with her. Surprised because I have been a wee bit of a hermit and shy to meet new people at this stage of my life. I am trying to navigate how to balance relationships and caring for a new baby and worry that I won't be able to give to a dear one the way I would like. I am already fumbling with trying to stay close and connected to my present tribe of love bugs.

But reading Jessamyn's blog, we have such a very similar heart. We are both Bohemian Girlies to the core and she is the sister of Jamie, who just recently adopted. Jamie and I have shared our fertility/adoption journey's very soulfully and did long before our adoptions took place. So, through my sweet connection with Jaime, I felt I just had to meet this whimsical soul.

You know, blogging connections cannot be as easy as it appears. When I began blogging way back when and saw all these tribes connecting, I had this illusion that it was just a matter of them reading one another's blogs and feeling intimate, one person reaches out and bam...they're friends. But the Universe works differently. The connections I personally have made through blogging have been felt by both of us, at just the right time, without anything feeling forced. Its been this magnetic movement of hearts coming together where we both feel it equally, we both nurture it and there is a natural ease with it all.

There have been times when I have reached out to someone and I could tell that person wasn't in a place to connect on the same level. And there have been times when people have reached out to me and I too wasn't in that same place to connect. To me, this is not at all personal but it is just a confirmation that when a relationship is meant to be nurtured at a particular time, it feels harmonious and flows and the connection is shared equally.

I think it is natural for all of us when we begin blogging to discover other kindred spirits and think..."oh I want to be her friend...oh and I want to be her friend too and hers and hers...she's so awesome!" What I have learned in the 4 years of this blogging medium is that the relationships come when I am not trying so hard. When I am focusing on my dreams, my heart, my healing, my art and it is always then that a wee birdy sings a melody in my ear about a possible new friendship. Jessamyn's email was like that for me. A sweet melody at just the right time. Just when I announced to the Universe that I am ready to be a bit more social and attract relationships that will move and bend and flow with my new life as a mother and writer and artist...she appears.

All this to say that if any of you have tried to connect with someone and it wasn't felt in return, please know that it isn't personal and it most always is that they have huge stuff going on in their life and cannot give the way they desire to or the way you need. I truly believe if you are nurturing yourself, dating yourself, loving yourself that connections will come your way and if it is right, it will feel magical and effortless and make sense for what you need in your life in that moment.

I have more to share/spill on this tender topic soon, but until then...go spend some time over in Jessamyn's space. You will find that she is a beautiful, earthy, soft, kind, thoughtful, poetic, creative, nurturing, open soul of a woman.

It was so absolutely fun to hang with her at the cafe and watch how adorable her daughter Journey was with Cedar. She showed such admiration for him the second their eyes locked. She wanted to hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, feed him and cuddle on the couch. SO cute. And Cedar let her do WHATEVER she wanted. That's my boy. ; )

Here is a photo that Jessamym took of Journey feeding Cedar while I am holding him...

photo by jessamyn turgesen

And here is me photographing the second photo (above)...

photo by jessamyn turgesen

sponsor GIVEaway ~ funky camera strap

red paisley camera strap by em falconbridge

I am so very thrilled to begin a series of sponsor giveaways over the next few months. Even more thrilled that my dear friend Em is the first one!

Em is such a pure light to this world. So open and explorative and bohemian and artsy and kind and considerate and deeply inspiring to the max. When I first met her, I wanted to curl up in her beautiful beaded dreadlocks and stay for a while:

em...during our photo session last year

Now that I am a new mummy, I look to her not only for a dose of creative juice in the art world but for unique ways to raise my little future hippie dippie, Cedar. I can already sense his boho spirit and Em is so wonderful at nurturing those spirits in her darling girls.

My precious camera is carried by one of Em's designs and I absolutely adore it. I feel like with it comes whimsical mojo to help me capture those ethereal moments that come through my lens. You wouldn't believe how many times I am stopped and asked where I got my camera strap. Hers are so unique and funky.

So...I encourage you to enter and have the opportunity for some whimsy of your own. For you or as a gift for another loved one in need of camera magic.

Rules:
Leave a comment
One comment per person (one word comments are fine too)
Comments open through Sunday, May 17th @ 9pm
Winner will receive Red Paisley camera strap (shown in photo above)
Winner to be announced Monday, May 18th!

Details on Red Paisley strap (via Em):
* quality strap manufactured by Canon has a lovely soft padded backing for added comfort and will fit onto any SLR camera, giving you proper support.

* ribbon is from Thailand, a vivid red background with pretty golds running through the ribbon creating a paisley design.

* strap is 1.5 inches wide

* portion of the strap that you loop through your camera is 1/2 inches wide

*length of strap is adjustable - 'colorful part' is 21 inches long

my first mother's day*

mothers day, 2009

I had to post these...because, well...it was a huge milestone for us. My first Mother's Day and I am sure when June comes around, we will celebrate Father's Day with abandon. These have been two holidays that have been quite bittersweet for us for many years and this time around, we walked around in a space of healing and mindfulness. We were thoughtful of all of those that are still on the journey to their children yet to be. We were celebrating our own mothers because since being parents, we truly see the sacrifices and unconditional love on a whole new level. And we were reveling in our new son and the beautiful connections we share as a family. This is why a day at the park seemed to suit the mood we were in.

I know a few of you commented in a previous post that hearing about Cedar isn't that exciting and that you'd like me to move onto thoughts, feelings and yearnings of a Boho Girl sans baby. Of course us as parents were like "how can Cedar not be exciting?"...followed by laughing. ; ) But we are fully aware that we are biased souls that have been on a long journey to their son. We get that to others, it may not be quite as amusing or stimulating. Therefore, I am not judging those comments.

When talking about it with a dear friend, she had said something very wise. "If you are not pleasing everyone, then you are living an authentic life, being true to who you are in the moment, regardless if it is not exciting to someone else." I loved that and it was a sweet chunk of wisdom I wanted to share with you. If we are living our life in a way that feels right and true to us, we are bound to not make everyone happy and thrilled about our choices. This is what makes the world such a diverse, unique place to be part of.

So folks...as much as I am resurfacing from the fog of caring for a newborn, Cedar is a huge, huge portion of my every waking thought during the day. I will learn how to balance all of the other delicious parts of my passions and life but truly, he is now my muse and inspiration. He's five months old. He needs me desperately and because of this, I must live selflessly. So, yes...you may still hear stories of Cedar and for those of you that don't find him exciting, I get it but I don't have to agree. I find my little elfin, forest nymph, beauty of a boy TOTALLY interesting. ; )

bella wish, canon 50d

All of my life I loved the sound of a child's laughter, the soft supple feeling of their cheek against mine, their innocence, purity, trust and wonder. My first job was as a babysitter in high school. In college, I worked at a daycare. In my twenties, I was a leader of children's ministries at church. I was a nanny to a little boy. I was an aunt at 10 years old and continued to be five times over while growing up. I was a sign language interpreter for a little girl at church. I was always surrounded by the magic of a child. I had a gift to create a calmness, a trust with little ones. My soothing voice and gentle ways felt safe to them.

When going through our journey to conceive, it became increasingly hard to be around children. My instinct was to love and be near them but what came with that was a deeper longing that felt so present and real and it would crush me for days. People with the best intentions encouraged me to be around children. Not only for the magic of baby mojo to get pregnant but just to fill up that hole within me. But that didn't happen. It made the hole bigger and I knew what was best to protect my heart. So, I spent a good four years trying to be gentle about being around children. It went against the grain of who I am but it also felt right for me at the time. Thank goodness my girlfriends with children and my family were so very patient and understanding and gracious with me.

Now that I have Cedar, that healing has begun. I find myself slowly drifting back to those familiar ways I used to connect with children. Rather than looking away, I watch in wonder. The other day, I took Cedar to the park for the first time just him and I. We sat cuddled together on a shady bench, watching two little brothers play. When I caught myself watching, rather than turning away or trying to distract myself, tears welled up in my eyes. Whenever Cedar sees mommy tear up, he smiles. I'm not sure why he does this but I find it adorable. I looked at him and said "Cedar, it is because of you that I can sit here and enjoy these two precious miracles play together. As I nurture you, you nurture me."

Having Bella Wish over again the other day was a blessing. I notice when she talks and coos with me, her voice gets soft and breathy. I love when she reaches towards me to hold her because I know she is very selective about whom she trusts. When Stacy was packing things up in her car, Bella and I sat on the floor and played with the singing bowl. It was then that I stopped and paid attention to how I was feeling. I wasn't afraid or protecting myself or cautious about how close I was getting. I felt open to love her, hear her, BE with her...and it felt so, so refreshing.

So many wounds are healing. Wounds that I will honor for the rest of my life. Wounds that will forever allow a sensitivity to other journey sisters and brothers going through what we did. I am grateful for this sensitivity and will never assume another woman sitting on the bench is okay with watching me and my child. I will always be aware that there could be another person just like me, feeling all that I did. Some people may feel that this might take away from me living in the present moment with my child. But not me. I feel that it expands my heart towards Cedar and to others and helps me to not take these precious moments for granted.

me on my "alone time" date yesterday, playing with letters at Pier One, taken with phone

I wanted to tell those that commented on my previous vlog post that your sharings took my breath away. So many times I sat there reading through your honest pourings of support, love, encouragement, gentleness and warmth with my mouth dropped open and tears welling. Some I read to my husband. Some I read out loud to Cedar and to myself over and over again. I am surprised, humbled, honored and down to the ground on my knees grateful for you each taking time out of your whirly lives to do this. Your thoughts helped me gain some clarity for my book, future blog posts and other ideas. They also provided a safe place for me to go when I am feeling out of sorts in the days ahead.

You know, I recall saying on my vlog that what I don't need from you is to tell me you love me but that I just wanted to know what draws you here and to my words. Now, after I have read your sweet, generous, gentle lovins, I would be lying or foolish to not admit (blushingly so) that it felt so wonderful to hear those things. I suppose comments about beauty and heart and charm and creativity (even shiny hair!) speak to that inner child within us that wants to be loved and accepted. I don't think that need to be seen ever goes away but what does happen is we push it down and pretend it isn't there, whether from pride, pain or distrust and we convince ourselves that we don't care what others think or feel about us. Add to that beginning a new journey in our lives, a journey where we feel mostly clueless and fumbly and it is easy for insecurities to surface. So, there is that balance of needing to love/accept own our selves and pick up our own pieces and also allowing others to help when we are feeling overwhelmed or confused about who we are. As much as it wasn't my intention to receive those endearments from you, I am so appreciative of them and they have motivated me, inspired me and moved me into a deeper desire to get my story out there.

So, thank you for this gentle nudge. I feel like the clouds have parted a bit as to what direction I want my book to go in and in addition, thinking of other ways to get my story out there besides a book and my blog. Out to people that otherwise would not find it here. You even have my husband more stoked about the process and we sat up late last night together brainstorming ideas while Cedar was asleep.

So, thank you...from the bitty bottom of my heart. Of his heart. Of Cedar's heart...for giving of yourselves through your comments, emails, facebook and twitter love... and helping a boho girl in need of inspiration. You gave my booty the wee lil' push I needed. You also helped me to feel like an alluring, sexy new mom rather than a tired, worn mom with crustified baby puke in her hair.

my marmie*

my cousin, marmie & me, 1970-something...at my birthday swim party

Yes, this is my first mothers day but what is on my heart isn't so much that I am a mother (holy loveliness...I am a mother!) but more what type of mother my marmie was/is to me.

I remember my older sisters having babies when I was younger and each of them had a moment when they called my marmie in tears, thanking her for all she had done to raise them. They had realized during those early days of baby puke soaked hair and non-showerness that she worked really hard to keep them safe, fed, nurtured and happy babies, without much sleep, without much help, without complaint and without much acknowledgement. I can imagine all new mothers or those that take care of infants have that epiphany about whomever raised them and feel so very humbled and grateful.

What I have experienced while caring for Cedar and thinking about my mother, is not only feeling humbled and grateful but so much awe of her strength and resilience. You see, what a lot of people that come here may not know about me was that I was a very sick baby and child. First it was being diagnosed with Celiac Disease at about 1 years old. I wasn't holding anything in and was malnourished and sent to Stanford hospital. No one knew what was wrong with me and they prepared my parents for the worst. When a doctor from Europe had heard about me, they did a biopsy and diagnosed me and it was then that my parents world had turned upside down. My belly had a lot of healing to do since for a long while before diagnosis doctors were telling her to feed me crackers and other things with gluten to hold my food in. All the while, those were the very things my body was rejecting. Yes, my parents were thankful that I was going to live and that there was treatment but at that time there were only 12 cases in the United States and not a lot of research done. This was a European disease and not well known in our parts. Therefore, we didn't have aisles of gluten free products like there are today. So back then, it seemed so much more daunting than it is now. My mother had to send away for special food and read every label and make two meals per night during my adolescent years. Gluten was in every fricken thing in the 70's. She had to be very, very creative. ; )

Not only was it my diet that presented challenges at school and parties but I also had severe asthma and allergies. Many nights I went into my parents bedroom at around 2am in the morning, tapping my mom on the arm, telling her I couldn't breathe. At that time, they didn't have the pulmonaide machines, so off to the emergency room we'd go. She never once showed me that she was annoyed being woken up from a deep sleep over and over again. Never annoyed that we had to keep daddy sleeping because he worked early each morning. She just held me, talked softly, got me dressed and to the hospital as if she was taking me to the candy store. She always helped to calm me and not feel afraid. Then, while sitting in the emergency room, hooked up to meds that made me beyond hyper, she would giggle with me at the hilarity of it all. I never remember her mentioning the frustration of getting a few hours sleep. I never remember her taking a nap the next day.

Then there were the many days I would come inside from playing out in a pollen soaked yard, with swollen eyes, a headache and stuffed nose. She would put ice cubes in a face cloth and hold them to my eyes, make me drink cold water and sooth me until the attacks subsided. The best thing for me to do would have been to stay indoors with the windows closed but she knew I needed stimulation and play. Despite the consequences she knew she'd have to deal with, she wanted this for me. I couldn't play sports or be that active and as a result had to be really creative with my play. I can imagine many parents are relieved to have their children involved in outdoor activities and sports because it gives them space and time to indulge in non-parenting rituals. For sanity. For rejuvenation. For inspiration. But my mother was okay that I was around a lot and always made me feel welcome in her arms.

I am amazed that it was never made to be anything other than normal for her. Even though she had two daughters before me that were healthy and sprite. I was never made to feel less than or hard to deal with or an annoyance. So, I grew up with a very healthy self esteem. My identity was never wrapped around having Celiac or asthma or allergies. I was so many other things because my parents encouraged and celebrated those qualities in me. I grew up believing I was kind and considerate, peaceful and sensitive, empathetic and wise...not sickly. I never talked about my disease or my allergies or asthma because I was taught to not allow them to rule my life. So, by the time I reached high school, I was outgoing and confident and secure. Only a few of my friends knew I had Celiac or asthma or allergies because I rarely thought about it. Nothing I was ashamed of but I just considered it a way of life for me and I didn't allow it to become a burden.

I am sharing all of this because now that I am a mother, for the first time I am fully realizing all of this. All of the hard work my mother went through with her extreme patience and tolerance and resilience and selflessness to care for me. Having gone through a few tough months with Cedar and his GERD and how I was tired to the bone and still had to continue on...I think of her and the years she must have been tired to the bone, caring for me. She never told me she was tired. She always remembers that I was patient and tolerant and resilient and kind. Those are the things I hear; how I was a hero through it all. But to me, she was the hero.

marmie & me, the day after my wedding

I love you marmie. If I have never thanked you, I am thanking you now, in front of thousands of people and I would shout it to the world. Thank you for knowing exactly how to love me and for grooming me into the woman I am today, despite those challenges that faced you as a mother. It is because of how I was raised that I had resilience, patience and determination as a woman struggling with fertility. I never allowed it to define me. I never allowed it to strip away all of the other qualities in myself that needed to be celebrated.

I am a fighter...because of you and your belief in me.

Happy Mother's Day, marmie. As a new mom, I celebrate YOU.

{sexy face capture, eh?}

I watched this video before posting and totally cracked up. I love how scattered my thoughts are these days, how fumbly numbly words come out of my mouth, how when I am tired, the words "like" and "um" are in almost every sentence (hello california girl). So fun!

Regarding the question I put out there to you on this vlog, know that it is purely out of a need for some inspiration. A dose of purpose and clarity, for this space and also for my book.

Those of you that have been long time readers know that my blog has always been a sacred space to me where I spill freely with emotion. Sometimes it is used to share my art (which always includes emotion). Sometimes to share how others have inspired me and changed my world for the better.

I write with the intention of healing and working through things in my life. It serves a similar purpose as a written journal, although I don't quite share all deeply personal things here out of respect for the personal privacy of the loved ones in my life.

One of the many times I have met up with other bloggettes, one dear soul said to me about 5 minutes after meeting me for the first time, "it is refreshing to know that in person, you are exactly how you are on your blog." I will never forget that moment, sitting up high in a bright and shiny bar, overlooking Santa Monica, sipping martinis and cuddling on a couch. That moment just confirmed that people see me here in this space. The real me. The authentic me and that is really important for how I choose to live my life and how I choose to share the real deal here in my sweet blog pages.

So, all that to say...my intentions with this question is purely to inspire me to continue to do what feels right for me in this space. I just need gentle nudges of inspiration while I am resurfacing from new mummyhood and rediscovering my place in the creative world.

{for those of you unable to watch videos, the question i posed was "what draws you to my blog and moreso, blog writings?"....oh, and i also asked you to think of a sexier phrase than "baby brain".}

magic sexy couch*

my sister darlene, canon 50d

A few months ago, I went to lunch and to a consignment shop with Em. She had found a gem of an old 60's style orange chair there and I was hoping to find one similar. Instead, Em spotted this gorgeous vintage couch covered in a color blue that took my breath away. She was so adorably excited about it, laid on it and said "can't you see photographing lots of pretty people on this couch?" Then she made me lay on it and took a photo of me with her phone, just to show me how sexy it truly was. Her feelings were contagious. At first I resisted the gorgeousness because well, we had NO ROOM in our loft. Like, none...for a new couch. So, I walked away painfully and both her and I were sad that it might not end up in my home.

I couldn't get it out of my mind. I just felt so attached already (you know the feeling). This couch belonged in my boho home. I knew I would never find another like it. So, I begged and pleaded with the husband to at least come look at it before he went on about how we have no room. I knew he'd fall for the blueness too. And he did. He so loves me!!

So, we stuffed it in the VW bus and brought it home and now our place is more crowded than ever. Our abode has never been the same since and every time someone is photographed on our blue goddess, a sexy siren is born.

People continue to comment on the power of our couch. How it brings forth the sexy in all who lounge and curl up. I hope you all never tire of it because you might see quite a bit of it in the future.

I wonder...I wonder how all these powers came to be. Who owned it and what spell they cast on the cushions. Lets have fun, get creative...and make up some stories about the history of my magic sexy couch. Do tell...

joy*

stacy anne, canon 50d

This image of Stacy laughing has brought me so much joy today. Laughter always has. People who know me best, know that I am a giggler. Whether I am joyous or nervous or uncomfortable...and sometimes even when I am hurting. I tend to mock myself while in a mess of tears when I call a loved one or cuddle with them on the couch. I laugh at myself. Laugh and cry simultaneously.

I recall my best friend and I (during high school days) once got in an argument while staring in the mirror curling our hair. We had been besties for four years and had never once had a disagreement. So it was the first time we disagreed and lightly snapped at one another and not but a second later, we were cracking up at ourselves. Laughing until we fell to the floor holding our bellies. I knew then that I needed to surround myself with people that could laugh at themselves and laugh with me. Because that is what I do to survive and sustain joy in my life.

Tell me one thing that has brought joy into your life lately or something that has made you belly laugh good.

my friend jonatha sent this to me and after watching it, i feel changed. wanted to share.

and now, i am going to wipe my tears and peace-out with the right side of my brain, where nirvana awaits me.

family nap*

boho boy, amber kitty and boho baby, canon 50d

Today we decided that Sunday is Family Day. We also dreamed up that this includes a family nap during Cedar's first nap of the day.

Our routine when putting Cedar down for naps or bedtime is to lay him on our bed first. Turn off the lights. Put soft new age music on. Light up the turtle that projects stars on the ceiling. Stroke his head and belly and cuddle up in a love sandwich until he falls asleep. Then put him in his crib. He sleeps better and longer and more peaceful when we're able to do this.

But during Family Nap...we all get to stay in bed. This was our first time in what we hope to be a Sunday tradition. Cedar twisted himself so that he had his legs resting up on daddy's back and his arms stretch back to touch me, holding onto my hand. We all fell asleep like this and a bit later, when I opened my eyes, I saw that Amber had rested her head on Cedar's belly. My heart about melted into butter. So I tip-toed away to capture it with my lens.

I remember a few years back I had a phone call with a woman that has an extraordinary gift of connecting with our guardian angels. I recall her telling me that one of my angels wanted me to know that there will be a moment in a few years when I will be so overcome with complete peace about the very long, hard road to finally being with my child.

I think opening my eyes and seeing this (in photo above) was the moment my sweet angel spoke of.

{fun news:: i am the featured blogger this week over at TodaysMama...how dreamy leading up to mothers day *sigh*}

food face*

cedar loves his peas, taken with phone

So, we didn't quite know what we were doing but do we ever? Go with the flow and our intuition is always our motto in this house. It has worked fabulous so far in regards to nurturing our son's needs.

The other day we lined up in front of Cedar a bunch of tiny organic baby food jars. The ones that are for 4+ months. He's five months, so we thought...okay! Lets try it! The Pediatrician said we could ease our way into food by doing brown rice cereal in his bottle and Cedar LOVES this each night and has for a few weeks now.

So, we let him try a spoonful of each flavor to see which one he fancied. And guess which ones were his faves? Peas and carrots (that's my boy, already a granola). So, the next day and the next I let him eat lots of peas and carrots until he didn't want anymore (pushed spoon away with puckered face). Then all of a sudden he got VERY bloated and cranky for two days and I called my mom in tears saying "I have a baby question!!!". She gently told me that veggies can be harsh on baby bellies at first...especially sensitive ones like his. So, to start out slow with fruit (bananas and apple sauce). We decided to lay off food for a week to let his belly heal and it did and he is totally back to himself (which is a super happy, chilled out zen dude).

Last night I put a few scoops of banana baby food into his brown rice cereal and he was BLISSED out, man. Like I handed him a banana split or something. Belly isn't bloated today. Good news. Not so good news is that his poops were little hard turds today. Not all smushy and oatmeal like any more (you will never look at oatmeal the same now). So...next stop is apple sauce in rice cereal. He'll think its an apple martini. Hopefully he'll have smushy apple poops. All sweet smelling. YUM.

I couldn't resist showing you guys this photo I took for my family when we first tried the stuff. Mr. Food Face.

oh no...

photo by susannah, 2007

i have been outed.