LAUGHTER in the New Year.

me & cedar christmas morning at my parents house, photo by jon-erik

All of my friends are choosing words for the New Year. A word to help guide them throughout 2010 to bring more of what they want/need into their life. I haven't had much time during the holiday craze to think of what my word was...until today.

I was remembering the day after Christmas at my parents house. We were all doing our own thing. Marmie was cleaning the kitchen. I was picking up baby nibbles off of the floor. Boho Boy and Boho Brother were reading on the couch. Daddy was playing a game on his laptop. Cedar was in the high chair finishing up dinner. The kitchen and the living room are connected in an open space, so it is easy to feel together, even if in separate rooms.

I stood up from kneeling on the kitchen floor and noticed a white napkin on the counter open and with a few crumbs on it. I moved closer and it became more clear that the crumbs were chunks of peppermint and white chocolate. I felt my head become hot and my heart started racing. I gasped out loud and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. I am sure they thought Cedar had fallen from the high chair or that I hurt myself or something extremely alarming because THAT is how loud my gasp was.

"Who ate my Peppermint Bark?" I asked in pure panic, because you know...the world was about to end.

It was quiet. Everything felt slow motion. Then I saw sitting near the napkin up on a little box was the big square chunk of peppermint bark in a ziplock bag. I then squealed and I jumped up and down, holding the candy in my hand.

Then as I came out of my blissed out little girl bubble, I saw that everyone was looking at me with their mouths dropped open and it was then and only then, that I realized how totally ridiculous all of what transpired was and I started laughing at myself.

Laughing so hard that my nostrils moved up and down and tears flowed and my belly ached as I held it tight and I danced around the kitchen. Everyone's laughter followed. Mmmm...a house full of hearty laughs.

Let me explain my panic. You see...I made a huge deal out of my husband picking up peppermint bark on the way from the airport to the farm (he came a few days after me). On Christmas eve I was so consumed with loving on my family the entire night, I never ate a piece. Then the following day on Christmas, when we gathered again at the farm, I had every intention of eating some but again was being too social to remember. So at the end of the night when we all said our goodbyes and packed up, I noticed a few pieces left in the tin can it came in. I grabbed a big piece with all of my might and basically yelled out at my sister across the room "this is mine!!!" because she loves it too and she just had to share. I brought it home wrapped in a white napkin. When my mother was cleaning the kitchen, she put my peppermint bark in a ziplock bag, so that no one would throw it out.

So, now you can understand more fully my devastation at learning someone may have eaten my long awaited piece of precious peppermint bark when seeing the empty napkin!

A few days later when we were packing up the car to head back to the airport, my marmie pulled me aside and said "It was so good to hear you laugh like that. It has been a long time since I've seen you laugh that hard. It felt so good. It was one of my favorite moments." I felt a lump in my throat and thought about what she said most of the ride to the airport.

She's right. I used to laugh a lot more. I have taken myself a lot more seriously than usual over the last five years. Going through (in)fertility and then the adoption and then becoming a new mother. These are very serious things. And yes, so much joy to be had in it all but as my reserves have been elsewhere, I haven't really had a lot of energy to laugh that deeply. Or more importantly, laugh at MYSELF that deeply. I used to do that all the time. ALL. the. time.

I felt sad for my parents, realizing that it must have been so hard to watch their free spirited, goofy daughter get so serious and deep within for so long. I saw it in my marmie's eyes. That my joy is her joy and she felt hungry for it. Hungry for my joy.

I honor all the seriousness we went through. I honor every bit of it. I am grateful. I do not regret. I am deeper and wiser and more mindful.

Although...my word for the new year is LAUGHTER. More laughter. More moments of not taking myself too seriously and exploring the humor in things like someone else eating my coveted piece of peppermint bark. ; )

If you'd like a space to share your words or thoughts on the new year, I am opening it up for you here. Blessings to each of you. Blessings on your hearts throughout 2010.

photo of the day.

me & cedar snuggling at Pannikin, photo by jon-erik

so apropos. ; )

loving my boho boys.

the bro's strolling cedar on the beach.

i love my boho boys.

boho boy sandwich.

boho brother teaching nature.

live long & prosper. we just watched Star Trek (the new film) last night. we are feeling very geeked out.

the boho boys on christmas at the farm...opening necklace made by my sis

boho brother christmas morning, wearing his hat from cedar

boho brother giving cedar a puppet show

boho brother teaching cedar how to drum

Thought I'd post just a few images of Boho Boy, Boho Brother & Boho Baby...otherwise known in this space as the Boho Boys. ; ) The ones on the beach are from today. Just a few hours ago. The rest are at my parents house and at the farm during Christmas Eve & Day.

Being with these three beings of light is full of some of the most healing stuff. Such heart warming goodness to be discovered in the energy between them. They create magic when they walk side by side and I feel so protected in their love bubble when we're all together. There always seems to be a balance to our moods. When one is grumpy, the other two make them laugh, when one is tired and needs to rejuvenate, the other two work harder so they can rest. Its quite the comfy balance of yin and yang. We will miss him so when he heads back to Canada tomorrow.

So I inquired with Boho Brother about his romantic life, for those of you that left crushy comments about his darling-ness. He allowed me to share with you that "I am indeed single right now, out in the country, building a Zen home and living in my center." I told him that wouldn't help and that now my crushed out readers may find him that much more sexy. I love that the boho boys seem a wee clueless to that sort of thing. It was one of the things that attracted me most to my husband when we met. He was so unassuming about his appeal!

More images of the holidays to come...

elfin christmas.

We are home.

I have so many images to share from our holiday in Northern California with my family. Such an unforgettable few days shared together.

Boho Brother is still in town. Today we took him to a Buddhist temple and meditation garden and tomorrow we are driving our VW Bussy to the beach for sand/ocean naps and a finger food buffet. Then he heads back to Canada on the 30th.

I think we're all drunk with love. Seriously. I thought I couldn't love my family any more than I do but to see them through Cedar's eyes was crazy beautiful. I will spread the love soon on this space.

Until then, I thought I'd share with you the wee elf that visited us on Christmas morning.

{for those of you that inquired...the hat Cedar is wearing is from Everyday Beautiful. a dear gift from Em. he's modeling the hat as a newborn here}

full to bursting.

cedar, 12.5 months

Today I woke up really feeling the season. I sat near the window sipping my hot yerba mate. The window was open a wee bit. I felt the chill. I watched a woman down below walking her dog, holding onto a coffee and was mesmerized by the steam coming from her cup. She crunched the red leaves with her boots (the ones you see above). She was bundled up. I think its finally Christmas in Southern California.

My boys were sleeping. I could hear Boho Boy's heaving breathing through the baby monitor. I glanced up at our Christmas tree and took a deep breath. This time last year we had a newborn. Cedar was one month old. Boho Boy's brother was in town from Canada and we stayed at a hotel near the beach. We were missing family and we thought the beach would make up for that longing. It did...just a little bit. A Christmas we'll never forget. Many hours of snuggling our wee little boy while listening to ocean waves rather than Christmas music. It was surreal. Boho Brother would come in after hours of long walks along the coast and bring us a bag of beautiful rocks and sea pretties.

This year a new tradition is beginning. My older sister Darlene and her husband just bought a farm on an orchard of almond trees in Northern California. On Christmas eve we are having a party at the farm. Finger foods and baked goods and wine and beer and so much togetherness. This will be the first party we've had in years. I am aching to see my grown up nieces and nephews (ages 16 - 27) and sit face to face and hear them. Truly find where they are in all places in their lives.

Christmas morning we will wake up at my parents house at the bottom of the Sierra Foothills and watch Cedar in his bliss, probably snuggled up to Callie-Lu...my parents snickerdoodle, I mean Golden Doodle doggie. Then again to the farm later that day for a more formal turkey dinner. Boho Boy will be barbecuing veggies. My sister Pamela is doing the yams with marshmallow goodness. My niece Angela is stir frying veggies. Darlene & Jay doing the turkey (brined for 24 hours beforehand). Boho Boy, his famous cranberry sauce with bourbon and my marmie is whipping up her delicious layered jello salad.

There will be walks down the orchard lane, all bundled up and arm and arm. Rides on the ATV with Cedar (either squealing or crying...we shall see if it is fun for him!). I am so stoked to see their new home. A home that Darlene said was "meant to gather her loved ones all in one place as much as possible".

Cedar is all everyone is talking about in anticipation for this time together. How this is the first Christmas they are spending with him and how he will be our entertainment and our joy. You can imagine how full my heart feels. It is full to bursting. Full to tears. They have been on this journey with us...every step of the way and because of this, Cedar holds such a remarkable place in their hearts.

We are leaving tomorrow morning and I am taking a blogging break until we arrive home in the New Year.

I wish each of you hearts full to bursting at this time. I wish you gentle flowing peace during the hard parts...as I know full well holidays can be so bitter sweet.

Happy holidays to the most warm, authentic, loving, moving, inspiring, radical, dear and gentle readers in the blog planet.

xo
The Bohos

pola magic.

As promised, here are the Polaroids that Susannah took of us while she was here visiting. This meant so very much to us since the last photo session we did as a family was when Cedar was 3 weeks old...with the amazing Tara.

I may have mentioned already that Cedar took us by surprise a bit by his modeling skills once Susannah started clicking. He would be in full throttle laughter and as soon as he saw the camera pointed at him, he would look into her lens and give her this "camera face" you see above. Where did he learn how to flirt with the camera so intensely? We were cracking up.

I am so impressed with her Polaroid magic. The first time I saw her in action with this type of camera was at Squam this year and she captured such moving imagery. Especially with portraits. When friends of mine have raw talent like this, I never take that for granted or assume they will bless me with any of it. So, when she expressed how deeply she wanted to capture us with her Pola, I was touched and well, I think it shows that I feel so very honored.

me & sus

It was healing. She helped me to feel so beautiful that day. I am going through this thing where I feel a bit frumpy and tired and new-mom-ish and Susannah danced through and brought some sexy into my life. She encouraged me to take down my vintage boots and wear tights on my legs and a dress that showed them and just like I felt transformed with lingerie a few weeks back, I felt transformed again. There was a moment when she was telling me to do this more often. To keep my boots down from the closet and make time to dress up and go out...even if alone. I got teary. Sitting there in a cafe, with her shooting me with her Pola at our table outside, I just realized how I feel I had perhaps lost that part of myself. That girl who dances in her boots.

I do love so much to put on my layers of organic cotton and play on the floor with my boy and get messy each mealtime as him and I help him to explore food. I do adore and marinate in all of those moments. I think what I realized is that with the messyness and play and hard work of a new mom, that it is so important to nurture the other parts of us. The parts that came before. When those neglected parts are nurtured, it helps me to be more present and have more reserves for my sweet family.

I am forever learning. Forever doing my inner work as a new mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, artist. It seems every day I learn something huge and even if its the same thing I may have forgotten the week before, it looks different today.

wishing on the boho tree.

We wanted to adorn our tree with ornaments made from wood this year. Part of our longing and hope to preserve Mother Earth. Wanted to share a few of my favorites.

I love hearing Boho Boy share with me each year how him and his family would go find a Christmas tree with roots still attached and after the holidays they would plant it on their property. Not all of them survived but most of them did and their home is now an enchanting forest of holiday memories.

I hope someday to be able to do that with our own wee family. We have dreams of living out in a country, not far from ocean and mountains where most of our food comes from our own garden. I see myself learning how to sew, so I can design and create adorable organic clothes for our family and friends. I see Cedar with nature at his footsteps where he can roam and explore his imagination, like Boho Boy and his brother were able to do growing up.

This is my official wish for the New Year...that this dream of mine begin to percolate and evolve and come to fruition...someday, somehow, somewhere.

Oh and our country cottage-y hobbit home of sorts must be close enough to a city, so I can also get my funk and groove on. ; ) Yes, there ARE places that embody all of this magic. I have been to them. I swear.

Do you have any wishes to share? Make a wish on the Boho Tree. ; )

COOKIE!!!

cedar, 12.5 months, taken with phone

I just had to post this shot I took a few days ago. He looks so elfish and this is why my family calls him a gnome or a wood nymph or a faerie. Its the ears, I think...non?

We're in teething heaven (not). They're popping out everywhere...all at once. That and growing pains. Yesterday he suddenly seemed so tall. Overnight. He is now officially as tall as the tip of my head to my lower waist, if not further.

He also has the chunkiest feet ever. Super wide with a ginormous big toe. A toe that when he was first born, the doctor said "I hope he grows into this toe...its huge." We all laughed. But seriously Flinstone feet all. the. way. They haven't fit in any baby shoes. I was beginning to worry until yesterday, we popped into a cool store and the owner spent time with us, measuring his feet, laughing with me at how chunky they are and fitting him into some funky wide shoes. Shoes that rock his feet like a rock star. He kept swinging his newly adorned feet while in the grocery cart at Trader Joes. We've been happy with bare feet or thick socks but we're going to the bottom of the Sierra Foothills next week to be with the family, where there is ice on the ground and possible snow fall and his feet just need shoes. We're not in Southern Cali anymore Toto.

Oh and Healthy Time Maple Teething Biscuits (that he is eating above) are fabulous. They make my son smell like a pancake drenched in maple syrup.

"Babies" documentary...

The lovely Elizabeth just sent this to me.

Oh my...I giggled and marveled. I am and always have been ever so intrigued by other cultures. Especially at this time in my life, how others raise and nurture their little ones.

unravelling goddess.

This past weekend Susannah, creator of the abundantly inspiring Unravelling e-courses, was in our home. Her intention in coming out from the UK was to explore San Francisco...a city she has dreamed of visiting for 17 years. You can see some images of the city on her blog, where she has posted photos daily of her adventures.

We were honored she took out some time to come meet Cedar and snuggle on our couch and sit and watch Boho Baby entertain each of us. Its good for me to have my friends come enter into our bubble because we can so easily cocoon for days. Sus and I spent the day Saturday walking around Pacific Beach, which gave her the dose of Southern Cali that she needed (sans the rain). It was so fun observing her in her bliss...walking out to the water with her darling (aka Polaroid Camera). I just had to capture it (see images above).

Before she headed back to SF, she gave me a few lessons on her Pola and I found myself giddy like a little girl (okay, I admit...I jumped up and down a bit. So American of me!). She also took some lovely polas of our wee family that I cannot wait to share. We all learned that Cedar has a "camera face". He looks at the lens with pouty lips and a sexy stare. I am serious. We were stunned. He'd be giggling and as soon as she told him to look at the camera, he put the face on. Where the heck did he get that? Hmmmm...one wonders. ; )

Cedar wasn't quite himself while she was here. We could tell something was bothering him, whether it be his stomach or the teething. He seemed a bit more needy and whiny than we were used to. He's such an independent dude...loving his alone time and not needing me by his side on the floor at all times. But we found him needing that during her visit. I noticed I was trying to make excuses about it to Sus..."oh, he's never like this!", as if I was embarrassed. I think for the first time I got a taste of the future; him acting up around people and me fearing judgment. Even though I knew Sus wasn't at all thinking anything less and understanding the situation fully and being wonderful, I felt self conscious.

It was weighing on my mind the whole of yesterday. I sat with Boho Boy and talked it through with him. What concerned me the most is that in those moments, I seemed to worry more about what Sus thought of me as a mother, than what Cedar may have been trying to communicate to me. That broke my heart. Since Cedar has been such a peaced-out baby, I wasn't used to feeling this way and was caught off guard at how I felt and reacted.

I think so much of it came from my lack of confidence in feeling "prepared" for Toddlerhood. Cedar has suddenly, in just a few weeks went from baby to toddler and wow, this is when you have to have some strategy beyond the love and nurturing that is oh so natural! So last night Boho Boy and I discussed our feelings, fears, ideas on where to go from here. I opened up "Happiest Toddler on the Block" because so many of the other books I have been reading through apply to older children.

My hope is that if Cedar acts up around friends or family that I can let go of my ego and focus on my relationship with him and be more forgiving of him and of myself.

I cuddled him deep last night...apologizing for not being fully present with him. I could have sworn when he grabbed my face and smooshed his mouth all over my cheeks, he was telling me that it was okay and that he loves when mommy has friends over and takes care of her other needs and that he gets it and that he just had a massive poopie that went up to his back. ; )

{the winner of the gorgeous Kerin Rose Peace Necklace was Christine-RHP. congrats Christine! please send Kerin an email with your mailing address. thank you to all who entered and shared your hearts. we were touched and kept emailing back and forth about your amazing souls}

Sponsor GIVEaway!

peace necklace, photo by kerin rose

I am so honored to host this giveaway from a very special Sponsor of mine: Kerin Rose.

About Kerin:
I have been creating jewelry for as long as I can remember; and 'making things' has been the golden thread that has connected all the times in my life. I have been (not necessarily in this order!) a puppet designer for the Muppets, a restoration specialist in The Costume Institute at the Met in NYC, a freelance designer for film and TV ( I was personally responsible for David Letterman's alka-seltzer suit!) and an adjunct professor of art education. Through all of it, metal has been my 'medium' of personal expression.

I consider myself a sculptor of sorts, creating pieces that I hope, will reflect the soul of the woman or man that wears it. I am influenced by the spiritual symbols of many cultures, patterns in nature and the human form in all its diverse beauty. My designs often come to me in dreams. Many who already own my jewelry say they feel it becomes a part of them, and amplifies the spirit....

Please read more about Kerin and her Mission as well as her creative process and the harmonious way she lives her life. Isn't she so inspiring and extraordinary? She also has an Etsy shop in addition to the one on her website.

GIVEaway details:

• Winner will receive the gorgeous Peace necklace as shown above; The piece is approx 1 1/8” diameter, and made of 100% recycled sterling silver with a wax cord. Trivia: Did you know that the creator of this peace symbol intentionally did not copyright it so that it would be used over and over again, all around the world?
• To enter, please leave a comment; It can be one word or many words.
• Comments will be closed Sunday evening at 9pm.
• This is a random drawing.
• Winner to be announced Monday, December 14th
• Winner, please email Kerin your mailing address to info (at) kerinrose.com
• Peace, luck and blessings to you all...thank you for entering.
  

star lights.

my favorite window in our loft

Last night I pulled these star lights out of their box and found that they were all twisted and knotted and intertwined. It is a very long string (wrapping around most of our living room) and it took a very very long time to get them unraveled.

I started to feel impatient and frustrated and then an image of my father during each Christmas growing up came into my mind. He would unravel countless strings of lights for us girls (outdoor, indoor) all by himself with such precision and patience. When we were really young, he didn't want us to help for fear we would get shocked. He never got angry or frustrated while spending what felt like hours untangling the bulbs. Perhaps it was a meditation to him.

I took a deep breath and channeled my father last night. I viewed it as a practice in patience, which I know once Cedar stands on his two feet, I will need in abundance.

Thank you, daddy...for teaching me how to be more present and patient, even when you had no idea I was noticing.

my first podcast interview.

About a month ago, I did a podcast interview with Ana Ottman of the amazing Creatuitive Coaching.

I was a wee nervous, this being my first time, so a few minutes before the interview, I lit candles all around me, put some Zen-ish music on, curled up on our bed, took deep breaths and centered myself. Then I dialed the number and heard her sweet, inviting voice and all my nerves melted away. Ana is such a delight and created such a safe space for me to spill from my heart.

You can listen to it here: Your Sacred Self.

It was a bit longer than we anticipated, so curl up with some tea and spend some time with us. I love how she used the word "intoxicating" to describe this interview. She had no idea that this is one of my favorite words! I am blushing and feeling humbled.

{ the photo above is of me and Swirly in my home. it doesn't really have anything to do with this interview. i just stumbled upon it last night and wanted to share the joy we were feeling when boho boy took this of us this past august}

quiet sense of self respect.

"Your Child's Self Esteem" by Dorothy Corkille Briggs

My dear friend Karen handed me this book while I was sitting at her dinner table one evening. I'll never forget that evening. I was trying to hold it together as someone who was just about to become a mother. I was someone who was just about to become a mother to what may have been a preemie. I was someone who was keeping her phone close because that call might come and I'd fly out to Oregon from wherever I was and, with my husband, help our birth mom bring our child into this world. Something we had never done before. Something we weren't trained for.

My mind was buzzing that day when I pulled up to her Zen retreat of a house. She was the most perfect soul to be with. It felt like she had gently enveloped me into her arms just by her reassuring whisper at the table that night. In her presence I just knew everything would be alright. I felt a quiet strength from her that I needed.

In her book {Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path to Motherhood} she talks very honestly about her experience as the new mother of a precious preemie. A book that has guided many mothers from all walks of life and from all experiences through a time where we are all feeling so raw and vulnerable and perhaps misunderstood. I was honored to be sitting at her table that night...eating her healing soup and soaking in every confidence she had in me as a mother to be.

Her and I giggled at the cover of this book (above) that she lent to me. A sweet retro image of a naked baby in the bushes, holding a flower and totally in bliss. This so reached out to the hippie in me. ; )

I just recently started to read it. It has been nestled in my book shelf since. I knew there would be a time when I would need to and I didn't rush. In fact, I stayed away from many books in the beginning so that I could learn how to listen to my own intuition.

Now that Cedar is crawling and exploring and indeed developing his own person, I have felt that need to open up my arms for help. But gentle help and how gentle does this cover feel?

So I opened it up and ohhh...it is wonderful.

There was this one quote I wanted to share with you. Mainly because it applies to anyone, wherever they are in their life and to me, it provided comfort.

"High self esteem is not a noisy conceit. It is a quiet sense of self-respect, a feeling of self-worth. When you have it deep inside, you're glad you're you. Conceit is but whitewash to cover low self-esteem. With high self-esteem you don't waste time and energy impressing others, you already know you have value."

Learning to parent a child is also like therapy for self. I feel like I have always had a quiet sense of self-respect. In an online world where I am encouraged to market myself and talk more about how fabulous business is going, it has felt a bit outside of my comfort zone. I have questioned if I am cut out for this because I have never needed that attention to fill me up. This quote helped remind me that how I am is okay and that perhaps my business will continue to grow because of my heart and who I am rather than me trying to impress the masses. There is a place for me in this online world of business and I will figure it out as I go. I want to learn how to grow my business through my story and not my ego.

on style and renewal of some sort.

{omgosh...how many times do i say "what's funny about that is..."...nice.}

starving artist ink.

"boho dread goddess" ~ by erin darcy

"boho mama" ~ by erin darcy

I wanted to share with you these two beautiful pieces of art that Erin Darcy at Starving Artist Ink was inspired to create illustrating two very poignant pieces of my life; my journey to Cedar and my journey towards dreads.

Oh how her liquid-like, stunning art melts me so. Oh how she can somehow create with simplicity and flow, yet include those still small details (I just love how she gave my dreadie girl fuzz on the top).

Erin and I connected a while back through our blogs in the midst of our fertility journeys. Now our journeys have shifted, yet we still walk side by side. It is beautiful to me that she offers such selfless support and comic relief to me as a mother...even as she still longs for her babe. I know so so tenderly and closely what it is to be where she is as a few of my journey sisters became pregnant or adopted while I was still yearning. It is a place my empathy takes me back to quite often and I will never forget, nor take for granted how huge it is that she remains so present in my life.

I remember quite clearly the day that Boho Boy handed me the package from Ireland that Erin so tenderly put together for me. It was an emotional day for me as a new mother, feeling so very vulnerable and uncertain. Then I opened up the image she painted of me holding Cedar and how perfectly he fit into my arms and how naked and centered and beautiful she saw me. I am not sure if she knew how perfectly timed this was and how I often glance at it to remind me of my strength and belonging.

And now she does the dread girl and captures a whole other part of my world where there can be days of insecurity or uncertainty but also days of YES and sexy. She just gets it and sees it and embodies it in her art. This beautiful, kind, funny, creative, present, fabulous girl from Oklahoma living in Ireland.

Don't you want to know her more now? She is here, her art is here and her photography here. Pure deliciousness.

cedar's 1st birthday cupcake.

Boho Boy grew up with a tradition in his house. Him and his brother would be woken up the morning of their birthdays with a cake and candles and a birthday song sung by his mom and dad. They would make a wish, blow out the candles and then run downstairs to open a few gifts before breakfast.

So, we decided to continue the tradition on Cedar's first birthday. Although, rather than in the morning, we would do it after his morning nap so that he could play with the cupcake. What ended up happening was pretty comical...but I had a feeling it would happen. Lately he's been very tender when he first wakes. He prefers whispers and to be held and rocked until the sleepy in his eyes melt and he becomes more conscious of the world around him. So, I told everyone to tip toe into the room and whisper the song. Me, Boho Boy and Omi did our best being gentle but he sat up in his crib, looking completely traumatized by the candle burning and us singing and he burst into tears. Poor dude. So mommy scooped him up and told everyone to stop singing and we just let him wake up as he was used to.

But as soon as he woke up and finished half of his bottle and flashed his adorable teeny tooth smile, it was time.

I captured it above. He had way more fun painting with the cupcake and flinging it in the air than eating it, of course.

I wanted to share this first with all of you. I also wanted to share how he and Boho Daddy always do Eskimo kisses. ; )

I am loving the idea of creating traditions for our wee family. I can remember growing up how our family traditions held so much security for me. Sometimes it was the calm in the storm. Some traditions we will carry on from our own families and some we will create all on our own (like the birthday fort). My dream is that Cedar can always count on these moments to be that safe space when he needs it.

I would love to hear some of your family traditions.

grateful.

elizabeth maccrellish, canon 50d

I know this is a time to be grateful but I also know that for some of you, that might be a really hard thing to do right now. I know that when I am in the muckiest of mucks, it does somehow help...somehow...to find something I am grateful for. I write it down. Or I speak it out loud. Or I call a friend to help me find it. Then it surprises me how it shifts things. Even if just a little bit.

So for those of you that are in a beautiful place right now and for those of you that are in a hard place right now, I would love to be a space where you can spill what you're grateful for. Even if its just one thing. Even if that one thing is that your like how your pinkie toe is shaped.

Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you. The community that has been found at this blog is something I am abundantly grateful for. You have shifted my heart so miraculously.

What are you grateful for?

Love,
Boho girl

the boho boys, {click to enlarge}

I had to share this photo that I took at the end of the night last night with my phone. Cedar wanted to spend every waking moment in his bday fort...even the last few moments before his eyes got heavy for sleep. Precious precious.

I also wanted to share a few links:

You can find me over at Creative Therapy here.

Beautiful Lisa over at Doorways Traveler wrote about our moving photo session together here. Her intellectual mind, her warm and huge heart and her brave travels are so very inspiring to me.

one.

One year ago today, Boho Boy and I left our home and never returned the same. We journeyed to Portland, Oregon and rushed to our birth parent's house to find K having contractions, knowing... this. was. it. We scooped her up and together, the four of us helped Cedar into the world. The minute we saw his face, we knew it was him...the one we had been waiting for. The one that kept us pressing on through all the hard stuff...because we knew at the end of the road would be a person so special, so unique, so beautiful and warm. We felt him throughout it all...and there he was, in our arms, snuggling against our skin.

We were just talking this morning about how this feels like just yesterday, yet...it also feels as though Cedar was always in our life. How it feels like forever ago because its difficult to imagine his spirit not near.

We also talked about K & T and how this is their story too and when I called to leave a message on her phone today, my tears were brimming and my voice trembling because that day felt so clear in my mind. Oh how selfless K & T were when they celebrated with us regardless of their pain. How when K pushed Cedar out and the doctors took him away to examine his lungs, she said..."go to your son...he wants his mommy." I looked at her in awe, uncertain if this was my place and her kind eyes told me it was. It was then when it hit me...as I walked into the room full of doctors and nurses hovering, with my husband's arm around me and then they parted so we could see him...and there he was...my son. Our son.

This year has been extraordinary. It feels as though my heart has expanded wider than I could have ever imagined. I feel taller and stronger and more centered, yet I also feel peeled and frayed and undone. I knew I would love my child deep but I never could have imagined what else came with that love; a pure and special bond, a relationship that fills me up, a companionship that shifts my soul to a softer place with him and all those that surround me. Cedar is my teacher, he is our teacher.

Today we built him a fort while he was taking his morning nap. It is a tradition that begins with his first birthday. Each year we will build one on his special day. When he is old enough to help us, we will let him choose what he wants in and around it; colors, themes, lights...it will be his magical place. His realm of imagination.

When he woke up and we sat him inside his fortress, its like he knew what it all meant. He raised his arms up and out and longingly signaled for us to join him. This pillowy, color soaked, soft and cushy, musical, dreamy place is exactly what it feels like to be a family. It felt like our womb, our sanctuary...our happy place.

We just love him so. We love how others love him. We love how his presence has changed our lives and the lives of my family. We love that he's here...finally. We love how he came into this world and into our lives.

We love that he's one.

{cedar's outfit by adatine}