family photo*

{us, polaroid by susannah}

I'm kind of loving (okay, totally loving) this photo of us. It just feels so gooood to have a photo together! Is it typical that photographers rarely have a family photo taken of themselves?

Here we are. Our family. And Cedar love...just looks like he's so part of us. And it brings me goosebumps. You know, many many times since Cedar was born, when people find out he is adopted, we get an emotional response. It could be the person near us on the airplane that talked with us for a few hours and spent time with Cedar or one of his teachers, or someone that spent 30 minutes chatting at a store or a neighbor, etc; there is always an emotional reaction when they learn our story. Gasps, tears and an embrace. And many times people have said "...but he is SO you guys!" Every time I well up with tears and laugh and cry with them because its such a heart-spirit-energy thing that is collectively felt. Its what I felt when I first held him seconds after his birth with my husband and his birth parents circling me. A feeling of home and belonging and I know most people that have adopted know exactly what I am sharing and so do all of those that have birthed their children when they have felt they knew them beforehand. And what I am sharing has nothing to do with whether or not Cedar "looks" like us. Its so much about his heart and how me moves and grooves and interweaves so perfectly into our family.

We've been going through an awakening with Cedar that is intense and sacred and all consuming right now and when I am able to find the words, I will share it here soon. But when I opened up this photo in an email today that my friend Sus sent to me, I felt the tears spill. I see the three of us and I know deeply how we are all three teachers and guides for one another and I feel such an affirmation to trust the process.

Someone wrote to me the other day that our story offered them hope when they felt so desperately that there was no hope left. I am humbled and honored to hear these things and I never take it for granted and I most always am taken aback by the outpouring. I always said if your desire to be a mother or a father is there, it is there for a reason and your child will find you and hear your longing. There is so much purpose to the union of your child. Cedar is one of my life guides and I think one of the things that kept me going during our fertility journey was trusting that my desire was there because there was much to learn from it...during the journey AND the destination.

our something unexpected. our little miracle.

My husband and I watched this trailer tonight. We both were teary eyed by the end. I was so moved by it that I wanted to share it with all of you.

Sometimes, well, most times, it feels like Cedar came into our life in such a magical way that is hard to describe but this movie, the energy and meaning behind it, truly emulates so many emotions I carry with me as his mother.

What really touched me deep in this trailer is when Timothy is standing in front of a row of friends and asked "So, you all came from your mom's tummies? How was that?" With such an innocent curiosity, from a place of not feeling left out or left behind or a longing and wishing he had come to his parents that same way.  How deeply we hope Cedar will feel this secure about his journey to us and comfortable being open about his own birth story.

It is so important to me he is deeply aware that just like in this film, we conceived him in our hearts and dreams and his beautiful birth mother was the fertile soil that brought him to life.

The symbolism of this movie moves me so: The hope that it offers those that so deeply ache to have a child and the possibility that your child can come to you in ways you least expect.

birth story book*

us yesterday, taken with phone

The last few days with Cedar have been healing and love soaked.  He is feeling better and has decided to put that energy into lots of snuggles and happiness and cracking us up.  My mama heart has been cracked wide open these days.

We showed him his birth story book for the first time yesterday.  It is filled with mostly photos with captions of the first time we met his birth parents, then the birth and our two week hotel stay post birth...and spending thanksgiving with his birth parents.  It was really emotional.  He seemed captivated with his birthmom and laid his head on a photo of her to give her love.  The next photo was of me feeding him his first bottle in the hospital and he looked over at me and wrapped his arms around me.  Both Boho Boy and I got teary.  He just seemed so in tune with it all and somehow tapped into knowing I needed that hug.  He did it a few times throughout the book...looked over at me and sort of fell onto my chest with his arms wrapped tight.  We will show him this book as often as possible.  We want him to feel his adoption is a totally natural thing and a sacred part of his journey on this earth.  Our adoption consultant has an adopted son much older and growing up, playing house with his friends, she would hear him say "are you adopted like me?"  or "this is my baby, he is adopted".  This is how I want it to feel for Cedar.  Something to celebrate...a gorgeous part of his life where there is no shame but openness to share and excitement to enlighten his friends ideas about how families can be created in so many ways.  This is what the book is for and why we will make one each year including photos of him and our birth parent visits.

Wanted to share a few photos we've taken over the last few days.

cedar totally loves the books by this author

cedar gazing into his lion's eyes...before a kiss.  ; )

trail walking with mama

trail museum library

giving this coyote love...at a museum

resting on the cool metal at a park

waking up after a nap

sweet and soulful wish come true...

self portrait, canon 50d, august break #8

I adore my dear friend Stacy's work:

"Vintage Inspired Jewelry.
Stamped with sweet and soulful sayings.
Designed to empower, encourage, heal and inspire."
~ stacy de la rosa

This is me wearing my custom made Bella Wish "Cedar" stamped silver pendant.  He is our sweet and soulful *wish* come true.

i adorn my neck with his name.
my son.  our wish come true.
we journeyed deep and wide to find him.
all while finding ourselves.
then he chose to arrive.
at a time most perfect for our hearts.
he knew when to come,
even though we longed for him so much earlier.
such a wise, gentle spirit.

{Do check out Stacy's other beautiful shop Adele's Attic.  Yummy vintage treasures from her past.}

birthstory book*

cedar (three days old) and daddy sleeping

This weekend I am working on a birthstory book for us to read to Cedar. I'll be using Blurb (love) to make it. There will be stories and images of when we first met his birth parents, then his BIRTHday, moving into the few weeks we spent in the hotel room post birth and finishing with the drive home. I want to read this to him on a weekly basis, so that his story, to him, will feel like a natural way to come into this world, into our world.

We'll continue to make books for him..."first year", "second year", etc. But this one is going to be so very emotional and raw and beautiful.

So, last night, as I was beginning to create the book by uploading the first image onto the Cover Page, I was starring at the computer to come up with a title. I was in a bit of a tender space, yet exhilarated at the same time. It was so fun to go back to all of these images and relive that whirlwind of a time for us. Yet, if I am completely honest with myself, in those moments of reflection...there are always a mix of emotions.

So, with a bit of rawness in my voice, I looked over at Boho Boy sitting at his desk near mine and asked..."What should I call the book...'Cedar's Birth Story'"?

...he thought about it and then responded in light..."How about 'Lord of the Binkies?'".

This is why I love him so. The yin and yang of our moods. I laughed so hard that I laughed myself out of being too intense in that moment.  He knows what I need so well.

Anyways, wanted to share a few of the images from the hospital, as well as the hotel room that are precious to me and haven't yet been posted on my blog.  Due to privacy for our birthparents, I am unable to share the ones of them.

xoxo

first gaze once nurses gave way..."oh there you are...of course it's you"

first cuddle with his son

first feeding

exploring his face

falling into slumber together in the hotel room

first time trying a wrap.  cedar was never a huge fan.  ; )

one of my favorites

he looks like a doll wrapped like a burrito (taken in hotel room on thanksgiving day)

potential private adoption.

grace & blair, canon 50d

Not sure how many of you know this but we adopted Cedar privately (not through an agency) and with the assistance of an adoption consultant that reached out to me via my blog. Her name is Tammy and she is a dear soul and had been reading my blog for a few years. Tammy has been in the adoption industry for quite some time and her inspiration to support this walk of life came from her own experiences. She personally has been through many different layers on her journey: placing as a birth mom, (in)fertility, pregnancy through IVF and adopting a child. Because of her empathy for all parts of this journey, she is able to support and guide her birth moms and adoptive couples in such a kind and compassionate way.

A few years ago, when I mentioned on my blog that Boho Boy and I were beginning to dip our toes into the idea of building our family through adoption, she quickly emailed me. She had been waiting for me to open up that door, rather than forcing it upon me (love that about her). Her and I became friends and when all was aligned, she guided us to the most perfect birth parents for our family, which lead us to adopting our son, Cedar. We are forever grateful for how we all found one another through this medium.

I am sharing this because Tammy has just reached out to me inquiring whether or not there is a couple reading my blog that are feeling guided towards building their family through adoption.

Tammy has a potential situation with a birth mother due to deliver late July. The baby will be full Hispanic and the cost will be approximately $20,000.00, which is average for a domestic adoption. The birth mother is in good health; no drugs, alcohol, or mental illness. She has 4 other children and seems extremely committed to placing for some very specific reasons that Tammy will share with the couples interested. Tammy feels it is highly unlikely that this birth mother will not place due to these reasons. With all adoptions, obviously there are no guarantees whether or not the birth mother will change her mind and that is the hardest part, but Tammy has a good feeling about her reasons for placement. It would be a semi-open adoption (no identifying info or visits) and the birth father is in full agreement.

If any of you, my dear readers, feel a pull and would like to talk with Tammy about this, please email me at denise (at) bohophoto.com and I will forward Tammy's email onto you to get a hold of her.

In the near future, I will be working with Tammy to refer couples that are reading my blog to her website (which is in the process of being designed) since so many in the past have reached out to me inquiring about our private adoption process. I am doing a blog post this time, as this is very immediate and I wanted to do what I could to help. Thank you all.

kindred souls.

photo of cedar taken by me, photo of me, taken by thea coughlin

A lot of people (readers, friends, family, passers by) tell me that Cedar resembles me. Especially lately. Although, in the beginning, everyone said he resembled Boho Boy. So many that tell us this, let it cross their lips gently, concerned that it may feel awkward or inappropriate or insensitive or tender because he is adopted. I have always deeply appreciated when someone is so brave to ask a question or share some feelings about our adoption that perhaps many wonder or feel and are afraid to ask. I also appreciate deeply with all of that, the sensitivity that is offered us. Not only for us, but even more for Cedar's birthparents...K & T (who I know sometimes read this blog).

I am not sure how K & T would feel about people saying Cedar resembles us. Something tells me they would feel supportive and I say this because when we all spent those weeks together during her pre-term labor, we felt a kindredness, a likeness in many ways. K and I are both so tender and sensitive and soft spoken and affectionate. Boho Boy and T are quick witted and intelligent and share a love for the same books. Boho Boy took a photo of me and K's faces smooshed together with wide smiles and sparkly eyes and both K and I were in awe of how much we resembled one another. Even my family mentioned it and a few of my close friends that saw the photo. What's funny about this is our skin tone is completely different. K is very light complected with rosy cheeks and light blue eyes (with a gorgeous dark blue rim)and dark blond hair. I have olive skin and light brown eyes and brown hair. But our features are very similar and our spirits so very kindred. Sometimes Cedar makes a face that is spot on just like T and sometimes spot on Boho Boy. Although Boho Boy and T look nothing a like. Its so wild, really.

So, I suppose what this tells me is that Cedar has characteristics of all four of us. He is part of each of us and we are all part of him and it emulates from him in beautiful ways. This is something, when he grows older, that we will celebrate and share with him and it will perhaps offer comfort in small ways. Comfort in that he carries all of us with him.

Many people have reached out to me through my blog that have been adopted. So very gently and kindly to bring me comfort. They share with me the beautiful and the hard parts and some have shared what it felt like to be dark and grow up in a household of white faces or vice-versa. Of course, at the root of it all, each of them told me that it was never at the surface of things and it only posed as an awkward thing a few times and that most of the time people didn't notice any longer and all that mattered was that they felt loved and cherished and part of a family abundant with love. But there were also times when it was hard and left them feeling like something was missing that needed to be filled up.

I know there will be days when Cedar looks in the mirror and sees T's nose and K's eyes and it might bring up stuff for him. So, part of me feels comfort knowing that he will also see my soul and spirit and Boho Boy's humor and passion for music and both of our twinkle in his eyes.

Adoption is the most beautiful thing that has every happened to me. It is also full of so many questions and lessons and teachable moments of humility and letting go and trusting that Cedar will know I am his mother through and through and never doubt that he was so very meant to be our son.

In all honesty, every time someone says "he looks just like you...", it does tug at those heart strings. There is a conversation that goes on in my head that goes like this;

"is it okay that this felt good? would K be hurt by this? would she be overjoyed and would it be confirmation that her and i are soulfully connected? is it important to me that cedar resembles me? no...it isn't...but it does fill me up in a way and smooths over the wounded parts. can i not over think it and just be honored because i think he's a cutie patootie? are there right or wrong ways to feel when it comes to something so wild and crazy and beautiful as adoption??"

We are kindred souls and it is the soul that is what lingers when the skin that our soul is wrapped in shifts and alters. This is what I will always tell him on those days when he is feeling tender or confused about it all.

stormie winter.

cedar & me, taken by boho boy with phone

We rarely get storms in these parts, so I am relishing, cocooning, snuggling up. Cedar is awe-struck with wind and rain. I actually hear him say the word "Wooowwwww...." when I take him outside.

This photo above was taken the last day of our cleanse. Sunshine before the clouds came in for the week.

I love storms. So much so that I had planned on naming my daughter Stormie if I ever had a girl. I have a pretty cool story about a dream I had once. I was in my mid twenties and not at all in the space of wanting to have children but I had a dream about me walking on the beach with this little girl. She was about 3 years old. She had blond ringlets and blue eyes and she was my daughter. I remember her running and then coming back to me and I swooped her up. When I woke up my face was wet. I was crying in the dream while holding her because the love I felt for her was so intense. At that time in my life, I didn't understand the connection, the love between parents and children but in those moments, I fully grasped it. I was so sad for days after that dream. I missed her so. I walked the streets of Berkeley looking for her, subconsciously.

My sister Pam came to visit me for the weekend. We decided to go to Santa Cruz for the day. I debated whether to tell her about the dream. I waited until the long whindy drive home on HWY 17. I think it was the pull and magic of all the Redwood trees. I just spilled.

Since at that time, Pam was a mother of three babies, she grew misty eyed when I told her how much I missed that little girl. What she did next I will never forget. She said "why don't we name her?" and we did and naming her gave me closure. We named her Stormie Winter.

Fast forward ten years and my husband and I are deeply wanting a child. We were just opening up to the idea of adoption and our adoption consultant sent us some photos of some previous children she had helped place for adoption. One photo was of this beautiful girl with blond ringlets and blue eyes. It was the girl in my dream. I gasped. Although I kept it to myself. It felt sacred...but it was that moment where my heart completely opened up to the idea of building our family through adoption. She was sent as a gift both in my dream years ago and now.

A few months later we were placed with the most perfect birth parents for us. I was shown a photo of their other child that was placed for adoption previous to Cedar. It was that same girl in the photo our adoption consultant showed me in the beginning of this process. It was the same girl in my dream years ago. It was Cedar's bio sibling...in my dream.

And this is another reason why I love storms. They remind me of Stormie Winter...the sweet angel that guided me to our son and that I will always have a connection to.

one.

One year ago today, Boho Boy and I left our home and never returned the same. We journeyed to Portland, Oregon and rushed to our birth parent's house to find K having contractions, knowing... this. was. it. We scooped her up and together, the four of us helped Cedar into the world. The minute we saw his face, we knew it was him...the one we had been waiting for. The one that kept us pressing on through all the hard stuff...because we knew at the end of the road would be a person so special, so unique, so beautiful and warm. We felt him throughout it all...and there he was, in our arms, snuggling against our skin.

We were just talking this morning about how this feels like just yesterday, yet...it also feels as though Cedar was always in our life. How it feels like forever ago because its difficult to imagine his spirit not near.

We also talked about K & T and how this is their story too and when I called to leave a message on her phone today, my tears were brimming and my voice trembling because that day felt so clear in my mind. Oh how selfless K & T were when they celebrated with us regardless of their pain. How when K pushed Cedar out and the doctors took him away to examine his lungs, she said..."go to your son...he wants his mommy." I looked at her in awe, uncertain if this was my place and her kind eyes told me it was. It was then when it hit me...as I walked into the room full of doctors and nurses hovering, with my husband's arm around me and then they parted so we could see him...and there he was...my son. Our son.

This year has been extraordinary. It feels as though my heart has expanded wider than I could have ever imagined. I feel taller and stronger and more centered, yet I also feel peeled and frayed and undone. I knew I would love my child deep but I never could have imagined what else came with that love; a pure and special bond, a relationship that fills me up, a companionship that shifts my soul to a softer place with him and all those that surround me. Cedar is my teacher, he is our teacher.

Today we built him a fort while he was taking his morning nap. It is a tradition that begins with his first birthday. Each year we will build one on his special day. When he is old enough to help us, we will let him choose what he wants in and around it; colors, themes, lights...it will be his magical place. His realm of imagination.

When he woke up and we sat him inside his fortress, its like he knew what it all meant. He raised his arms up and out and longingly signaled for us to join him. This pillowy, color soaked, soft and cushy, musical, dreamy place is exactly what it feels like to be a family. It felt like our womb, our sanctuary...our happy place.

We just love him so. We love how others love him. We love how his presence has changed our lives and the lives of my family. We love that he's here...finally. We love how he came into this world and into our lives.

We love that he's one.

{cedar's outfit by adatine}

our little hobbit.

cedar hobbit, 4.5 months, taken with phone

There was this scene in the film Lord of the Rings in the beginning when all the little hobbit children were sitting on the ground at a party and the camera scanned all their sweet hobbity faces. I remember seeing this one little girl with big round eyes and a look of wonder and awe and I thought to myself "Ohhhh...how I would love to have a child with that spirit."

I didn't know that at the same time, snuggled up in the theater, that Boho Boy was having the same thoughts. He noticed that same girl in the crowd of cuties and fell in love with her spirit the same way I did.

We were trying to get pregnant, you see...so something down deep inside of us connected with that child and the ache we felt for our own.

It wasn't until about a year later, when we were talking about how we envision our child to look (like all couples do that are desiring a child)...will he/she have my eyes, my lips, my hair, etc. We both mentioned that child in Lord of the Rings.

"You saw her too?" I asked. We both felt that is how our child would look, would be.

As we were approaching the 5th year of trying to conceive, I think we forgot about that girl. Or perhaps it hurt too much to go to that place, to that dream, that vision of our child and we put it in the safest part of our hearts, tucked away.

Then our birth parents and Cedar came into our lives and the healing began and life was so entirely and utterly beautiful and not at all what we expected but everything that we needed.

When Cedar was about 4.5 months old, we were goofing around by pulling his ears back like a hobbit and taking photos for our family. Our family has always referred to Cedar as a Wood Nymph or a Gnome or a hobbit...because he just has that look, that essence to him. What blew us away is this one photo we took of him (above). Because that is the face....THE exact face of the little girl in Lord of the Rings that we often dreamed of.

Wow. Right? Wow. Perhaps our hearts always knew this and that is why at the exact moment, years ago, we both recognized that face on the screen.

So of course we're going to dress him up as a hobbit tonight...but we won't have to do much. ;)

Happy Halloween. Be fulfilled. Be joyous. Be playful. Be safe.

cedar stoked at the airport, taken with phone

Cedar and I are back from our trip to go see my parents and sisters at the bottom of the Sierra Foothills in Northern Cali. This is why I have been absent. Oh how dreamy it was to be with my family, my people, my loves.

There was a huge glorious storm out there and internet and phone connections were in and out. I love storms. Perhaps because we don't get enough where we live in SoCal. My parents live on a few acres on the top of a big hill so they get most of the wind in their town. It howled and hissed and shook the house. We stood in awe looking out the window at how far their trees could bend without breaking (although sadly enough they did lose one tree and some branches off of others). It was Cedar's first storm and rather than being frightened at the noise and movement, he was thrilled and then slept soundly. He was about as thrilled as he was in the photo above that I took at the airport when we first got there. The airport intrigued him and he sat there flapping his arms like a bird while people watching.

Traveling alone left me feeling a wee vulnerable but I was simply amazed at how gracious everyone was. I had Cedar in a sling on my hip (FINALLY found one that fit for both of us) but still had other bags to carry, so taking all the liquids out of my bag and my shoes off were a bit of a challenge but kind strangers around me offered their help. It might be because Cedar has a way of flirting and drawing the ladies in with his batting eyes. Seriously though, he is starting to do this bashful twist of his head and eye batting. I promise he didn't learn it from me. Hmmm...or did he? ; )

While with my family, Cedar started mimicking, pointing, clapping when hearing the word "patty cake". He also started grabbing faces and pulling them towards his lips to kiss them passionately. When he did this to my sister she turned red and fanned her face saying "I haven't been kissed like that in years, what a lover!" We giggled. We marveled at how snuggly he is. He scoots into people and buries his face in wherever he can while stroking with his hands, then looks up waiting for a reaction with a huge smile. I just beam watching his personality come through and am marinating in this precious precious time. Sharing it with family...all who are such a close extension of me, just made my heart sing this week.

This is the first adoption in our family and it warms my soul at how very open and embracing each of them have been. It is so clear that he is not only so much ours but so much theirs and how his goofy, passionately loving personality fits our family like a glove. We just sit around him on the floor swelling with gratefulness and awe at how much he has brought healing to us as a family. Acknowledging how he teaches each of us how to love with more abandon and sit more patiently through the hours spent together.

While on the flight home today, he laid his hand on the arm of the woman sitting next to me and gave her a wide-eyed, genuinely caring smile. I noticed she didn't speak English but she stroked his arm back with misty eyes...a Universal expression of feeling seen and accepted and loved. These moments he gifts to me are shifting my heart in ways I am still trying to find the words for.

happy.

cedar & boho daddy, canon 50d...taken yester-eve

This image has me weeping with happy.
Yes...all of it. All of our long journey was worth it.

our adoption openness.

I am on day 7 of my dear dreads. The photo above is day 4...driving to the Portland airport. It was hard to go home. Portland had begun to feel like home in a sense. I feel a missingness about it all. Our spirits just belong in a place like this.

I would post a recent photo...one that Boho Boy took of me and Swirly yesterday while she was visiting, but I am too worn to process a RAW image from my camera. I am coming down with a cold but trying to manifest that I am NOT coming down with a cold. But my throat and bones do ache. Ugh. So, I chose one that I took with my camera phone a few days ago. It looks pretty much the same, although from sleeping on them each night, the roots are starting to look a bit fuzzy. Which, I sort of find a bit sweet. I look forward to Sunday when I can wash them. That will feel mmmmmm...so good. Then the softness will come. Right now they feel a bit rope-ish...scratchy...even Cedar thinks so. Soft will be nice and suit the way we like to cuddle in our house.

I've been trying to find a way to describe our day with K & T...Cedar's birth parents, which was the day following my dreadlock appointment. Even though our adoption is an Open Adoption, K & T are both extremely private people. I sense that it makes one of both of them nervous that I have a very public blog. I want to respect their privacy as much as possible.

Although, I know there is so much curiosity surrounding an open adoption relationship. The concept is quite hard for some to wrap their heads around. I want to help ease people's minds and perhaps open minds that it is indeed a surreal and beautiful thing.

Boho Boy and I both understand the wants and needs behind both an open and closed adoption. We are never ones to be so absolute about something so tender. Open adoption does feel right with Cedar, especially now that we know him intimately as he grows into his own precious person.

With all of this said, out of respect for K & T and even that of my husband, I will share my own personal feelings leading up to and surrounding this day.

The emotions I felt as the day approached were that of what I know every adoptive parent ponders. As much as there is excitement to see and hug and snuggle and be with them, there are fears too. Of course there are. You wonder if once the birth parents hold your child, that you will be forgotten. That your child will smell those familiar smells of the goddess that held them in their womb for 9 months and hear those familiar voices and in an instant you will no longer be mom or dad to them and they will not want to leave the arms of their birth parents.

Those are the irrational, deep rooted fears that we all have. Although, I had heard from many adoptive parents that once you are all together, the fears melt away and it feels natural and good and right and shared and comforting.

Still...I wondered. Rather than entertain these very vulnerable feelings, I focused on the relationship I have with both K & T that is ours alone. The connection I felt with them as both friends and family. The laughter and humor exchanged during those weeks in and out of the hospital. The long night walk in the forest we took to try and spook one another out. So many memories. And I missed them. I missed them as friends. So, this was something I could indeed wrap my head around. The anticipation to sit with them again and share our lives.

It was this connection that held us all together that day. We have fears and insecurities. They have fears and insecurities. But we all were gentle with one another. We all missed one another. It truly evolved into being about the great, deep and wide love we have for this miraculous human being by the name of Cedar. The fears melted away...just as everyone told me it would. And somehow, somehow...it felt natural. It felt like family sitting in a restaurant, feeding Cedar and cracking jokes about books or movies while T kept picking up the toys Cedar would continually toss to the ground.

Its still hard to grasp the selflessness that both K & T feel in regards to placing Cedar for adoption. The gratefulness we feel for this gift is beyond words. I know they feel it from us when they see how very loved and adored and joyful and sincere our son is. They see that we were supposed to be Cedar's parents and as much as I am sure it is hard, I believe the happiness they feel for Cedar's happiness is greater.

Cedar of course reacted towards them in a spiritual way. The look on his face when first laying eyes on them was that of something familiar to him. He stared into their eyes, longingly at first. There was a sweet understanding, almost a reassurance that I think he wanted to give to them, that they made the right choice and he gets it. I am not sure if he will always understand in this way but as he is now so very untainted by the world, he is cool with the idea that he has birth parents and adoptive parents and that we are his mommy and daddy.

Its surreal but its unique and its our story and truly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Cedar is so deeply loved and respected and adored by the four of us and he will always, always know this and not only hear it from us...but hear it from them.

I still struggle to find the words and I think you can all feel the mix of emotions but even with all of the messy beautiful feelings...it is so, so, so worth it.

Cedar also reassured me that day. With certain lingering glances or a big wide mouth smile across the table or a leaning over for me to hold him when he needed comfort and holding my hand the entire way home. He reassured me that I am indeed his mommy. I so love being Cedar's mother. Its my favorite thing.