offerings from the sea & new years goodness*

Yesterday my boys and I took the ferry over to Lummi Island. Its such an enchanting and magical place. When we spend time there, we continue to find such beautiful offerings from the sea: stones, shell pieces, sea glass, colorful seaweed and driftwood. I plan to create a couple of art pieces from our finds for our home and also will send pieces to some dear ones in my life. Oh how I enjoy those moments when my boys and I are side by side but in our own little creative zone, listening to the shore coming in and gazing at the mist surrounding. This is one of my most favorite places.

New Years Eve is tomorrow and as it approaches, I find myself moving into this new space, new age of consciousness with a deeper awareness of self, of my family and each of our needs. 2012 for me was a time to cocoon with my family, to let go of so much in my life that didn't feel in alignment with what me or my family needed and to keep it simple by being as present as I could for my boys. This meant being away from the screen as much as possible and close to nature and flesh. It meant remembering how life flowed before social media and finding a rhythm that felt safer and cozier for my heart in regards to how, why, what and with whom I shared my heart. It was my year of quiet, gentle, safe, listening, paying deep attention and inner, inner, inner work.

All of this leads me to my next post to come (in a few days) written by both me and a dear soul in my life. We talk about walking through darkness and what darkness means for each of us. A different perspective on it entirely. Both her and I let go of so much in our life in 2012: ways of feeling, thinking and believing, relationships and social medias, that no longer felt life bringing and with that there is grief and longing and unraveling and renewing and rebirthing. I look forward to sharing it with you.

Until then, I will think of all of you as me and my boys and my dear brother in law and his new wife gather around the bonfire on New Years Eve as the moon and stars shine down on us and we let go, let go, let go and create intentions for 2013.

a christmas eve wedding*

Boho Brother got married!!

I have a feeling hearts will be breaking all over blogland. ; ) We've received so many lovely and brave emails over the years from blog readers confessing their crushes on our dear Boho Bro. We fully understood why as his energy can be felt even across the screen. I've been honored to be his sister and witness the unique and beautiful soul he is. He's taken such gentle care of himself out in the woods, communing in nature over the last handful of years and has finally found an earth goddess to join him. To frolic free in Mother Nature, create art with natural elements and be each other's soul medicine. They refer to themselves as the "dragonfly couple" because of their connection to dragonflies. I adore that so.

The ceremony was yesterday, on Christmas Eve in the afternoon up top a waterfall in the woods. Boho Boy was the officiant, which made it so deeply special for each of us. Very intimate, earthy, simple and spiritual. Boho Bro made his bride a nature crown. She tied a feather into his hair. He surprised her with fairy dust to sprinkle around them. They faced North, South, East and West. They drank water from the rushing waterfall behind them in the raven cups we gave them as a gift. They surrounded themselves in clam shells they found around our bay and used them as tea light holders. The shells were sent back to the elements by Boho Bro setting them free to swim down the waterfall when the ceremony was finished. We shared German champagne from their mother and toasted to their father whose own free spirit would have been so proud of this moment. Mmmmm...

But my favorite moment was when he howled at the moon as she wept and giggled into his shoulder. So organic and true.

And it was FREEZING and they were barefoot and I love them for that. ; )

We wanted to share this precious gift with you in the spirit of Christmas. Merry Christmas to all. Warmth, peace and a covering of unconditional love to each of you and your families.

the body stories*

When I was asked by the lovely Sas to be part of this project, it felt so so good in my bones. I have been trying to be really conscious about how much I can give right now in my life based on the reserves I have left after being present with what is in front of me. As I have shared here before, saying no in order to take care of myself and my family has been something I have had to learn. But this project gave me that burning in the belly and I knew my voice had a place here. I said yes and I am so glad I did. I am moved by Sas and her desire to help women who want to heal their body relationship. My relationship to my body has been a spiritual journey all on its own...as it continues to be.

These collection of stories about women and their relationship to their bodies is so deeply real and moving and from various perspectives. I was reading through them in the middle of the night in bed, taking deep breaths, wiping my tears, sighing big sighs and feeling so not alone and validated. I found my own ache and celebration and freedom in each of their stories. What we all need, yes?

You can download the free PDF The Body Stories here.

wintry holiday love*

Just wanted to share some images of the last few weeks. Really sinking into this season. Cocooning within the warmth of our home. I am so dearly in love with our sweet little Christmas tree. Its my favorite of all.

Been preparing our hearts and home for our dear brother (Boho Brother) to come out for two weeks with his love. It will be my first time meeting her in the flesh. Such a special time with them as we get to share Solstice, a full moon, Christmas and New Years together!

Omi left a few days ago and was here for a week. We are so grateful how our family is so sensitive to Cedar's need for less crowded spaces. At my sister's farm during Thanksgiving, we were given a huge beautiful room upstairs to go to when he needed quiet and my mother in law opted to come out earlier in December so that Cedar would have more space throughout holiday visits. I am moved to tears by our family and their support this year.

I would love to hear your plans for Solstice, Christmas and New years.

asking for what we need*

Yesterday, Cedar whispered to me that he needed quiet but wanted me to join him. So we tip toed upstairs and I tucked him into our bed. I laid near him just marinating in the quiet. The shifting rhythm of the holidays has been a lot for him, for all of us. Us visiting family, family visiting us, the house transformed into sparkly twinkle newness. This transition and this shifting, this "change" that this holiday brings is something I am more aware of than I have ever been in my life.

A dear friend of mine has reminded me the importance of asking for what you need and that can be done in so many ways. Just the awareness of our needs alone is a journey in and of itself. Cedar has been a reminder...sometimes fierce reminder, sometimes a gentle one: of how important it is to simply ask. Whether its a howl or a whisper...to just ask for what we need. I need quiet. I need alone time. I need the lights off. I need to be held. I need less talking across the table. All things Cedar has learned to ask for. All things I am remembering that I need too. And even if I am unable to have those things in the moment I need them, just knowing I need them alone gives me permission to be gentler on myself and others.

dance dance dance*

Lykke Li & Bon Iver Tonight my husband pulled me into his office and told me to put his huge earphones on and said "Here is some inspiration for you honey...she has amazing musicality!"

He had this video up for me to watch. Oh my. Inspired indeed.

Wanted to share. Mmmmm...enjoy.

advent bags*

While at my sister's farm last week, my marmie brought me a copy of the latest Better Homes & Garden magazine. She had dog-eared an article about Maria Carr (writer of the blog Dreamy Whites) and her family's french farmhouse in Northern California. She knew I would be attracted to the way Maria expressed herself in her home.

One of the images in the article showed advent bags hung from two birch branches. I was so inspired by the idea! I knew it would suit my home and that our wee gnome would be delighted to climb a ladder and pull out a Wei Chocolate each day until Christmas. ; )

My husband found these birch branches in our back yard. I used two different types of muslin bags that I ordered online, as well as picked up at a craft store. I used dutch butcher twine to tie the branches together and number stamps with brick red ink for the dates.

My marmie also surprised me with a bowl au lait from Maria's shop:

{freshly washed duck and hen eggs from my neighbor}

i love him so*

first image: such a HIM face : )

I remember a dear friend once telling me that once Cedar turned 3, that my husband and I would somehow find our way back to one another as a couple apart from being a family. My friend and I were talking about how much we missed our husband's even though they were near us most of the day. We loved one another just as much, if not more but our energy and our reserves were devoted to our child and creating a nourishing lifestyle for him and by the end of the evening, we were happy to just sit near one another in silence and surrender to our exhaustion. I found myself concerned about our connectedness until my friend honored and validated me. I was in awe of her relationship with her husband and it felt reassuring to hear with both of their children, the first three years of their child's life shifted how they connected to one another. Not a lot of people talk about this or perhaps they aren't aware or perhaps they are too tired to be aware. But it felt validating, nonetheless.

My husband and I had many conversations about it. Allowing ourselves to be gentle in the midst of learning to be parents and put less pressure on needing to be crazy romantic lovebirds like we were before Cedar came into our lives. We looked at intimacy with a greater perspective and what intimacy meant to us as a family. Being in constant communication about our relationship hushed the gremlins that told me we had to be like them or them or even them. We just had to be us and us was pretty amazing and lots of fun. It was so good for me in that it broadened my mind about what romance is.

So three years old came around and my expectations of lots of romantic dates and hours of eye gazing and deep conversations came crashing to the ground. Oh those darn expectations! Its a constant lesson for me to let go of them. Even when I think I have none, I discover I do. Three for Cedar was full of so many transitions. It was the transitions that brought to surface many of Cedar's anxieties and sensitivities and our world's had to take pause. Three years old was an intense year for us as a family and just like our fertility journey, it drew my husband and I ever closer as we cocooned and healed. If I could say the most important thing that helped was the many times I came into his office (in our home) and plopped on his leather chair facing his desk and expressed my need to feel connected to him in all of this wildness. He would turn away from his computer and look into my eyes. We would find one another in those moments and whether it was about Cedar and his needs or the color blue, it was enough to just be present and it held us together.

As Cedar approached four, we felt happening what my friend talked about happening at three. As Cedar became more aware of his sensory sensitivities, he started to get into a rhythm of expressing his anxieties and needs rather than us navigating it for him. We found a beautiful and delightful babysitter that just "gets" him and his humor and his need to go into imaginary worlds. She spends time with him a few times a week and sometimes date nights. This allows me a bit of time to be alone in whatever capacity I need and it allows Boho Boy time alone when he finishes work because I am no longer too depleted to let him go. We also began connecting with a dear family a few doors down and each of us started to make dates with them. Me meeting her for coffee or tea or going on a walk and him meeting for guy time to play disc golf. One of their daughters comes over twice a week to play with Cedar and help guide him with how to share ideas and release the need to control everything in order to feel safe. We also have been surrounded by a few other souls that have compassion for Cedar and our journey. And all of these things may sound so simple to most of you...but to me, they are golden. They have breathed life into our hearts this year.

All this to say, through it all, my relationship with my husband is deepening and renewing. In fact the other day he had me belly laughing and he paused and said "its good to hear you laugh with me like that again!". I realized in that moment how seriously I have taken everything around me. I've had no choice.  But the permission to embrace lightness is welcoming. Boho Boy's humor is one of the first things about him that I fell madly in love with. I feel like we are remembering what drew us to each other in the very beginning. Its been so so good. I love him so.

Giving Thanks & Turning Four!

{image of us taken last week by a kind stranger that offered}

I was going to write a list of things I was grateful for as Thanksgiving approaches but a list felt more than what I needed. Simplicity is filling my days. Focusing on just one thing I am grateful for is all I need in this moment.

This morning. I am grateful for this morning when my limbs were tangled with my husband and my heart was beating wildly in love and Cedar came into our room just when our lips were about to touch. Peeling away from my husband and reaching towards him as he climbed up into our bed. It felt both frustrating and amazing. And it felt dreamy: this wish I tucked away in my younger girl heart to feel this much love for my husband and for my child. To have Cedar tucked in between us while we looked at one another with a sigh and longing. It was good. So good. And enough to fill my page. Just that one thing on my list. And thank goodness Cedar went into his room to play. ; )

I would love to hear one thing...just one thing you are grateful for.

...and Cedar turns four on Thanksgiving!! We are heading to Northern California soon to be with family the remainder of the week. I miss each of them so.

these days...

There have been some really healing and beautiful shifts happening in my life, in my heart lately. I've noticed my chest expanding wider when I am on my lake walks. I notice I am laughing more heartily. I am kissing my husband deeper. My cheeks ache a bit from smiling longer. I notice I am resisting less and embracing more of what is in front of me. Truly its the little guy in all the photos above that is my teacher.

You know, there have been a lot of projects and retreats and offers coming to me lately that I've had to say no to. Not because I don't feel passionate about them or not feel I have a bit of peace & love to offer but because my purpose right now feels really clear. That purpose is to be fully present for Cedar and learn how it is we can support him, love him, nurture him and help him find his footing.

The move to the yellow house rocked his world. It brought a lot to the surface for him and for us as a family and we had to surrender to so so much. I've had to be very protective of this time and space for us and set boundaries that are not easy for someone like me to set. I'm a LOVER of people and life and I want to let everyone in and embrace the whole of what comes my way but I haven't had the reserves. I've had to be really selective, cautious and careful and that can be so hard. This protectiveness has led me to the folks in my life that truly see me and love me and our family and trust our choices. It has led me to folks that have less expectations of us.

There is a writing project that I feel deeply connected to that I've been asked to participate in. But I haven't had the time or energy because of all that is going on with Cedar and his therapy. I wrote to the woman spearheading the project. A woman who is becoming a dear soul in my life. I apologized to her for dropping the ball on the deadline and explained to her why, even though I knew she was aware. This is what she responded to me...

"There is something really grounded and strong about your words at the moment. I have an image of you as a mountain lion taking care of her cub with a fierce beauty." I read her words while at a coffee shop and I felt myself swallow hard and the tears just flowed. I wrote telling her that when reading those words, I was THAT girl at the coffee shop in tears. Although I didn't really pay attention to what or who was around me in that shop but how GOOD that VISION she offered to me felt. Mmmmm. Mmmm. Good.

Right now in my life, I need to feel safe in my relationships. I need gentleness. I need understanding and forgiveness. I need wide open spaces. I need alone time to rejuvenate. I need to not commit to much else but my family. I need tenderness. I need compassion. I need to allow people and things into my heart that feel what one of my dearest soul sister's calls "LIFE GIVING". And I am grateful, so very grateful that I am being offered so much of what I need by those I love, trust and am drawing near to me and are circling us during this time. I think that just happens when you are really clear about what you need.

Oh geez, here I am again...THAT girl in the coffee shop in tears but I am smiling and the salty tears just drifted into my mouth and onto my tongue and it is the most delicious and healing elixir for me these days.

Here are a few photos of Cedar (below) at his occupational therapy. This was last week when he decided that he did not want to climb up this rope without the support of his furry stuffed companions on his back. And that warmed my heart to the core. That he is learning and cultivating a deep knowing of what he needs to move through this life.

He knew he couldn't do it alone and you know what? Neither can I.

Sponsor GIVEaway ~ Gypsy Wings*

{skeleton leaf necklace}

I am so thrilled to be offering this GIVEaway in my space. Georgia (the designer) is one of my favorite people in the Universe. We have a long history in this internet space. She's always been one to keep me laughing even when things are hard and mucky. She reminds me to find humor in everything and to laugh at myself often. Laughter is my medicine. It takes one to know one. I've been blessed enough to be near her in person a handful of times and this woman is the real deal. She's the kind of gal that will bring you a coffee and a warm hug in the early morning before your flight home. So generous, so true to everything she is passionate about and pours her heart, hands and soul into.

Meet the love-ely Georgia:

georgia cranston "I am a mama, a dreamer, a lover, an avid reader, an artist and a writer…

I am a photographer, I chase light and capture moments.

I believe in faeries, and magic.

I like to bask in the glow of a full moon, and dip my toes into the ocean."

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Skeleton Leaf Necklace

"There is something so lovely and delicate about a skeleton leaf. The intricate design of the veins, the transparency...

This necklace has a pendant with a unique metal frame and an off white skeleton leaf encased between 2 pieces of glass. The chain is approximately 24 inches and has an antique silver finish and has wooden and glass leaf shaped beads, in shades of green, brown and gold.

This necklace will look amazing paired with earthy colors, or even a simple black top and jeans. People will be amazed at its simple elegance.

In addition to the GIVEaway, this week Boho Girl's readers can enjoy 10% off of any item in my shop when using the coupon code BOHOBLOG at checkout! Also, because I am loving it so much, I am including a 5ml bottle of doTerra Wild Orange essential oil. This essential oil is calming and uplifting to the body and mind."

********************

Here is me wearing (today, in fact! serendipity!) a butterfly wing pendant design she made just for me. I love love love it and the magic it offers me.

GIVEaway rules:

• To enter for the Skeleton Leaf Necklace, please leave a comment
• One comment per person, please
• Comments will remain open until Friday morning
• Winner will be announced Friday

COMMENTS CLOSED. ; )

Winner: #30...Carey.  I will get you in touch with Georgia, Carey!  Congrats. xoxo

happy halloween/samhain*

{channeling max from where the wild things are}

From our family to yours...let the wild rumpus start! Be safe and free, full of imagination and FUN however you choose to spend this day.

My husband is hoping to offer the neighborhood kids a ride on the back of our tractor trailer tonight if it doesn't rain too hard. Cedar is just healing from a stomach flu, so we are going gently today. I hope to make this pumpkin soup tonight sent to me by my sister and my other sis is in town, which was such a gift while Cedar was not well the last few days. I love my family.

{my dear friend em is teaching a fabulous felting workshop starting this friday, do check it out! she made me a laptop cover a few years ago with a beautiful tree on the front and i always get comments on it. she is amazing and has so much to offer those who want to create yummy things with felt!}

swimming in secrets*

Yesterday, right before falling asleep in the tree swing while his friend Emily was swinging him he said... "When I close my eyes, my brain feels like you're telling me secrets and I'm swimming in it."

Deep sigh. Every day he says something profound that we revel in. I am really loving venturing into his imagination and world these days. There is always something there that teaches me.

I would love to hear some deep words from some of the little souls in your life, if you remember and are inspired to share.

{you can see where our swing is hung in the background of this photo}

date night*

{the end of our date drinking tea, reading side by side}

Date night with my love. Mmmmm. We are finally creating space to do this, mainly because we found someone who we trust to hang out with Cedar. Someone who sees him, gets him, goes to those imaginary spaces with him that he loves, he needs to go to. Someone consistent in his life, as he needs consistency. We are so grateful for this new precious soul in our lives and her presence has helped us find ourselves as individuals and as a couple again.

So, now we have a date night and its wild that even the smallest things I appreciate: our arms or hands touching, side by side in our theater seats, sitting across from him and having a conversation without interruption, just BEING with him without interruption! ; ) I am brought back to those moments when we first started dating, that anticipation and wonder. It doesn't matter how long you've been married to someone, when you're rarely alone and then suddenly you are alone, it feels fresh. Fresh because we are always evolving, even when we don't realize it while we give so much of ourselves to our family. We talked about life before we were in each others lives and we talked about the book he has yet to finish writing.

Its simple, just a few hours alone...but truly, its so healing and connecting for us. Since we've always lived away from family, leaving Cedar hasn't been a comfortable thing for us...especially because of who he is and his needs. I surrendered and trusted that we would find someone and the wait was worth it. We have found a kindred spirit in her.

...and I miss my husband. I didn't realize it until Saturday night out on our date. My favorite part of the evening after our movie, after the dinner and inside the coffee shop, we were sunk deep into our leather chairs, reading side by side. Quiet but together, finally sinking into feeling no stress. I looked over at him and my heart fluttered and that felt amazing and I looked at his lips and wanted to kiss them.

Date night. More please.

free and unsquashed spirit*

Right before I took the photo above, Cedar said "Mommy, I never want to cut my hair. Can people keep curls as pets?"

People often ask me if I will ever cut his hair. Some have suggested, since Cedar has a bit of a feminine face, that it might be a good idea. Whenever we've asked him out of concern for it getting in his eyes, we get a passionate "NO!". Not a day goes by when we are out and about that Cedar isn't referred to as a girl by a stranger. But my husband and I have really desired to cultivate nonconforming gender ways of being and have just allowed Cedar to guide us with his interests and needs and what comes natural to him.

When we were ordering him some soft pajamas online, we asked him to pick out which style he wanted. He chose the purple and pink striped ones. My husband and I looked at one another and had one of those unspoken nods of understanding that there may be a journey ahead of us. No matter how liberal and open minded we are, we know there are others out there that are not and allowing Cedar to be and dress how he desires will be a constant choice to let go of those pressures of cultural norms. We know he is only about to turn four...but growing up near San Francisco, it is difficult for my mind to not go to those places of what may lay ahead for him.

We are blessed to live in a very open minded community. One of the reasons we love this place so. Although I still hear people around me say "he is ALL boy" or "girl or boy energy". I'm not sure why whenever those words are spoken, that it stirs something inside of me. Nothing negative but more like a fluttering or nervousness. I never felt this way before having a child. So my intuition tells me that there may be something ahead of me in my journey with Cedar that may have to break through those preconceived ideas of what kind of gender energy he has or what kind of gender he is more like.

A few days ago his babysitter Emily (and best friend) told me that they were outside playing and he outstretched his arms in a moment of complete abandon and yelled with his scruffy voice "I am Woman!!!" and as she told me this, we both giggled and had a knowing look. We knew Cedar in that moment just got the whole woman power thing and its wild because I've never yelled out that phrase to him. It completely came from within. Then of course shortly after that, he'll play with this tractors or cars and let the wild rumpus start. Or he'll be outside playing with our neighborhood girls sitting in his big yellow car making loud car noises and then stop to compliment them on their dress or skirt.

The other day I heard Cedar up in my bedroom. I walked in to find him putting my lipstick on his lips in front of my mirror and saying to himself "I love you". I fought that knee jerk reaction to stop him. Tears welled up and in that moment I realized that is what its all about: Loving himself. We just want him to feel free to be who he is and love who he is and have a strong self esteem. Whether he ends up being more gender-boy or gender-girl or gender-fluid, we hope for him to have a free and un-squashed spirit and we will nurture that in any way we can.

pumpkin therapy*

As I've shared recently I am really feeling and reveling in the changes of seasons and the holidays approaching. This past weekend we took Cedar to a pumpkin patch.  It was his very first time.  You can see the joy in his face!! The gray skies were such a gorgeous contrast to the bright oranges and greens. 

We couldn't wait to carve our pumpkins, which means we'll get to do more as Halloween approaches.  Cedar wanted me to carve him a kind-hearted face on his (first one below) and I decided to trace and carve an owl design onto mine.  Perhaps next time I'll be brave enough to do my own drawing.

I told my husband how healing carving these pumpkins felt. There was something about the rhythm and moving of my hands and the anticipation of sculpting and what may come to be. I found myself in a bit of a trance and I realized how much I need to create. How important it is for my soul. And of course I know this down deep about myself but my consciousness has been elsewhere. I need to work with my hands. It quiets my mind. It hushes the noise.

Something is opening up for me. I am remembering. Remembering what fills me up. Walking every day in the forest. Working with my hands. These discoveries are happening organically and not forced. I knew the quiet would bring me back and open up what it is that feels good to me without all of the distractions I have kept around me for so long.

And our sweet Cedar and all we are learning about his sensory needs. Its like he is a mirror to our own and this awareness has been intense but also so validating. My boys and I are three kindred spirits under one roof. We are deep in the midst of sorting out each of our needs and how we can each feel heard, honored and loved and create peace in a loud-like world.

All this from carving pumpkins. Pumpkin therapy. : )

fear and gentleness*

I know I haven't been here much. But I have been here (see image above).

Monday morning I went on a walk around a lake. As my pace became faster under a canopy of forest, I realized I hadn't moved my body like this in over a year. The life pulsing through my veins and bones felt so deeply healing and good.

Our move to Washington paralleled some huge awakenings about my life. Choices needed to be made to marinate in and live in my own truth but more importantly, to protect my heart and to feel safe. I just ached to feel safe. These choices to free myself from that which didn't serve my heart and my soul were not easy and were full of some grief and separation and loneliness. It felt like a peeling that left me raw and needing to cocoon and rest and be still. I didn't have a lot of expectations of myself beyond learning to live life more in the present, settling into an entirely new h*OM*e and loving my boys and my family with all I had. I surrendered to the aches and pains of going from being so seen, very public and constantly-connected to less seen, more private, inner and solitary. Just recently, a dear friend going through a similar transition of online to offline said to me "I've felt very much out of site/out of mind". I knew intimately and had compassion for what she meant about feeling a sense of being invisible to others. I was living it and yet it was okay, it was so good, what I needed and it was deeply humbling.

Humility has been my companion this year along side gentleness. Humility has been my constant reminder, that gentle whisper throughout my life but most especially now. Being a mother to an intensely wild and beautiful and sensitive child has brought me closer to humility. Stepping away from and losing relationships I thought were deeply rooted in trust brought me closer to humility. Quieting the noise and the influences and constant adoration has brought me closer to humility. To me, humility has always been a home where my true self is. A place I can surrender to egolessness. A place where right now, in this moment, I am enough. For me, in the midst of humility there is less striving and more being, there is deeper compassion and loving. There is less temptation to be anyone or anything but my true self. There is an inner strength that comes from within rather than with-out. To me, to continue to empty my mind and soul of the ego...that is where wisdom and enlightenment set me free. Yet, it is my constant practice to create boundaries where this process can be honored and lived. It can be messy, oh so messy and full of pain because of my humanness.

Throughout my life, in any kind of institution or following of sorts (school, church, blogging community, online media, etc), I have had this awakening. I find myself (not by intention) being swept up by very human desires: the glamor, the attention, the praise, the acclaim and consistently, I have a very similar experience. I pull back, I grow quiet, I do my inner work, I renew, I reinvent. Part of it is the gypsy in me, the wanderer that does not follow, nor do I lead, I just drift because I know there is so much wisdom to gain by exploring. Part of it is that I am a deeply sensitive soul and in circles or tribes, religions or followings, there can be exclusion to that which is outside and I am not comfortable being part of anything that excludes. Part of it is that I see clearly that so much of that need to be seen and heard comes from a very achy, hurty place in our hearts, which makes us all equal and teachable to one another. Part of it is that I witness those that are guiding or leading become so consumed with their leading that their own lives, loves and hearts are not given needed attention and care and therefore, what they are teaching is not what they are able to live.

All of this causes me to pause and reflect. It brings me to periods of stillness, of rest, of letting go, shedding and renewing and surfacing again.

So as I was moving my body to a faster rhythm under the trees the other day, there was this awareness of how every pore on my body felt heightened, alive. I could feel my heart expanding, chest opening, face to the sky, limbs stretched. I felt my whole being surfacing from the safe, still place I have created and begin to move again...through the light...and also through the darkness. Fear came to me and my face grew wet with tears. But the tears did not come from the fear. The tears came from a knowing I haven't quite felt so intensely before. The tears came from love. A deep love, a tenderness for and an embracing of my fears.

I wiped my tears under my sunglasses and laughed to myself. I heard this whisper. Perhaps my inner voice, perhaps the Divine. It said something about walking through fear in gentleness is possible. I don't have to be fierce because fierce is not my nature. I can greet fear with gentleness, with compassion and with humility and will still be able to walk through to the other side stronger and rooted and yet free.

marinating in autumn*

i adore these to images of cedar.  especially the one wear he is "puppywearing"! {carrier purchased from etsy shop babythebaby}

Life has been full. I am marinating in Autumn. Its so different here than what I've experienced most of my life in California. Especially Southern California. The shift in weather happens sooner than what I know and lasts longer. There is a deep chill in the morning and evenings and a warm mystical wind in the afternoon. The red and orange hues on the leaves turning are brighter than I've ever seen. Our fireplace is beginning to warm our home and our firepit warms our yard under the moon. Mmmm...its my favorite time of year.

This morning while Cedar was still sleeping and my hair was drip drying, I found myself flipping through Martha Stewart magazine and deeply inspired to decorate, cook, bake, jar and sew. And I giggle at myself. I always considered my sisters the crafty ones. I am loving this transformation that is happening within. It feels deeply rooted and calm and cozy and safe and real...and present.

Speaking of sewing...my sister was here for a few weeks and she taught me how to sew. A darling old woman let me bring my sewing machine to her shop so that my sister could teach me in peace. My first project was a huge floor pillow. My sister and I squealed the first few times I stitched the sides. Now I'm telling everyone I know..."I made a pillow!!" I am beyond excited and ready and open to learn. I hope to make wide leg yoga pants for me, my husband and Cedar and then eventually other comfy eco-conscious clothing for me and my loved ones. But one step at a time: pillows, napkins, curtains, etc. : )

Here is my darling Singer Curvy sewing machine. I have to admit, the name Curvy made my heart happy. ; )

I have a feeling Cedar will take up an interest in sewing himself. He seems aware of style on other people and often comments on what he loves. Especially with our neighborhood full of girls. He is surrounded and the only boy around.

When my sis was here, we tie-dyed a few shirts for him. The one I did is shown below. Now I have the tie-dye bug and am dreaming of all sorts of cool muted colors and designs.

My sister and I went shopping for yarn. She's going to make me a star garland to hang on my window that we saw in Mollie Makes Magazine (love this mag) and a crochet triangle shawl/scarf (similar to the one Charlize Theron is wearing in Sweet November...have been wanting this for years).

While shopping for yarn, we picked up a few costume bits for Cedar to play with. I am collecting costumes to pile up in our antique chest that sits in our living room. He's beginning to love wearing them throughout the day. But the wings and hairpiece that he grabbed out of our bag with glee and wore all day long were AWESOME. Especially when he was outside playing with the neighborhood girls. He thought he was the coolest fairy on the block and even through they giggled at him, they embrace his quirky ways. ; )

One of my most favorite memories was our evening canoe ride. First I watched my boys and my sis go out and then they returned to invite me in. We somehow all squeezed in without sinking. ; ) It felt other worldly to be on the glassy water mezmorized by the reflected clouds.

{cedar & auntie dd}

winner ~ boho chic jewelry*

The winner of the $50 credit to Amy's Boho Chic shop is the 82nd commenter, Penny!

Congrats, Penny. You will be contacted by Amy to discuss details.

Amy also wanted to extend a 25% discount at her shop to all of my readers! Just use the code "bohochic25" when checking out. She was so moved and touched by all of your kind words... "Please tell them how much I have enjoyed reading their words. I would have loved to have written a personal note to each of them for the beauty they gave me."

Other ways you can connect to Amy are: Twitter - @amywaltzdotcom Facebook - Amy Waltz Photography & Designs

Sponsor GIVEaway ~ Boho Chic*

{all photos above are lovelies modeling accessories from Boho Chic shop}

Months ago, Amy found me on Twitter and it was her kind words that guided me to her website.  I gasped out loud when I first browsed through her shop.  Every single piece felt so kindred to my heart and how I express myself.  Her and I immediately connected, found out we both grew up in Northern California and have many other things in common.  She's a beautiful, vibrant, passionate being with such a creative vision for Bohemians.  I am so thrilled that we were able to come together and that I can offer my readers some love from this gorgeous being!!

But first, a note from Amy Waltz, designer of Boho Chic Jewelry...

portrait of amy waltz

"Amy Waltz Designs (AWD) jewelry is more than jewelry, it's a powerful reminder into our own true uniqueness. Jewelry makes us feel and look beautiful but my hope is that it will be a window into one's own inner beauty and magnificent purpose in life. Perhaps the words intertwined in the jewelry will serve as inspirational mantras or reminders. TRUST. I AM. Believe. LIFE IS A GIFT. Love your life. Fly On .....

I would love it if wearing a piece of AWD jewelry would lend you to think a little more positively, respond to yourself with a little more heart, cause you to smile more and walk a little more gently on the Earth, treat yourself and others in a gentler, kinder nature, trusting your great and wonderful purpose in this life.

I hope that by hearing the sound of it delicately ringing as you wear it, you will breath in the message and that you will remember your power, your beauty, your strength and you will embrace the day just a little more, walking a little lighter, letting go a little more, and opening yourself up to the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. And if you feel like dancing, well, then, by all means ... DANCE. And when you do, let the rhythm of your heart carry you to your place of perfect peace.

Love, light and all things wonderful, Amy Waltz"

Below are a few yummies I own from Amy. She made me a custom design Boho Girl necklace (and decided to add it to her shop!) that I am in LOVE with and am wearing as I type this.  It goes with every*thing and I can layer it with other necklaces.  Her rustic style is prrrfect for me and I feel the good vibrations of her work on my skin.  Mmmmm.

hippie headband

garden fairy necklace

GIVEaway Details:

• Winner will be given a $50 credit to Amy's Boho Chic Shop
• To enter, please leave a comment
• One comment per person, please
• Winner will be chosen at random.org
• Comments will be open until 11pm Wednesday, September 26th
• Winner will be announced Thursday, September 27th

{COMMENTS CLOSED}