i love him so*

first image: such a HIM face : )

I remember a dear friend once telling me that once Cedar turned 3, that my husband and I would somehow find our way back to one another as a couple apart from being a family. My friend and I were talking about how much we missed our husband's even though they were near us most of the day. We loved one another just as much, if not more but our energy and our reserves were devoted to our child and creating a nourishing lifestyle for him and by the end of the evening, we were happy to just sit near one another in silence and surrender to our exhaustion. I found myself concerned about our connectedness until my friend honored and validated me. I was in awe of her relationship with her husband and it felt reassuring to hear with both of their children, the first three years of their child's life shifted how they connected to one another. Not a lot of people talk about this or perhaps they aren't aware or perhaps they are too tired to be aware. But it felt validating, nonetheless.

My husband and I had many conversations about it. Allowing ourselves to be gentle in the midst of learning to be parents and put less pressure on needing to be crazy romantic lovebirds like we were before Cedar came into our lives. We looked at intimacy with a greater perspective and what intimacy meant to us as a family. Being in constant communication about our relationship hushed the gremlins that told me we had to be like them or them or even them. We just had to be us and us was pretty amazing and lots of fun. It was so good for me in that it broadened my mind about what romance is.

So three years old came around and my expectations of lots of romantic dates and hours of eye gazing and deep conversations came crashing to the ground. Oh those darn expectations! Its a constant lesson for me to let go of them. Even when I think I have none, I discover I do. Three for Cedar was full of so many transitions. It was the transitions that brought to surface many of Cedar's anxieties and sensitivities and our world's had to take pause. Three years old was an intense year for us as a family and just like our fertility journey, it drew my husband and I ever closer as we cocooned and healed. If I could say the most important thing that helped was the many times I came into his office (in our home) and plopped on his leather chair facing his desk and expressed my need to feel connected to him in all of this wildness. He would turn away from his computer and look into my eyes. We would find one another in those moments and whether it was about Cedar and his needs or the color blue, it was enough to just be present and it held us together.

As Cedar approached four, we felt happening what my friend talked about happening at three. As Cedar became more aware of his sensory sensitivities, he started to get into a rhythm of expressing his anxieties and needs rather than us navigating it for him. We found a beautiful and delightful babysitter that just "gets" him and his humor and his need to go into imaginary worlds. She spends time with him a few times a week and sometimes date nights. This allows me a bit of time to be alone in whatever capacity I need and it allows Boho Boy time alone when he finishes work because I am no longer too depleted to let him go. We also began connecting with a dear family a few doors down and each of us started to make dates with them. Me meeting her for coffee or tea or going on a walk and him meeting for guy time to play disc golf. One of their daughters comes over twice a week to play with Cedar and help guide him with how to share ideas and release the need to control everything in order to feel safe. We also have been surrounded by a few other souls that have compassion for Cedar and our journey. And all of these things may sound so simple to most of you...but to me, they are golden. They have breathed life into our hearts this year.

All this to say, through it all, my relationship with my husband is deepening and renewing. In fact the other day he had me belly laughing and he paused and said "its good to hear you laugh with me like that again!". I realized in that moment how seriously I have taken everything around me. I've had no choice.  But the permission to embrace lightness is welcoming. Boho Boy's humor is one of the first things about him that I fell madly in love with. I feel like we are remembering what drew us to each other in the very beginning. Its been so so good. I love him so.

Giving Thanks & Turning Four!

{image of us taken last week by a kind stranger that offered}

I was going to write a list of things I was grateful for as Thanksgiving approaches but a list felt more than what I needed. Simplicity is filling my days. Focusing on just one thing I am grateful for is all I need in this moment.

This morning. I am grateful for this morning when my limbs were tangled with my husband and my heart was beating wildly in love and Cedar came into our room just when our lips were about to touch. Peeling away from my husband and reaching towards him as he climbed up into our bed. It felt both frustrating and amazing. And it felt dreamy: this wish I tucked away in my younger girl heart to feel this much love for my husband and for my child. To have Cedar tucked in between us while we looked at one another with a sigh and longing. It was good. So good. And enough to fill my page. Just that one thing on my list. And thank goodness Cedar went into his room to play. ; )

I would love to hear one thing...just one thing you are grateful for.

...and Cedar turns four on Thanksgiving!! We are heading to Northern California soon to be with family the remainder of the week. I miss each of them so.

date night*

{the end of our date drinking tea, reading side by side}

Date night with my love. Mmmmm. We are finally creating space to do this, mainly because we found someone who we trust to hang out with Cedar. Someone who sees him, gets him, goes to those imaginary spaces with him that he loves, he needs to go to. Someone consistent in his life, as he needs consistency. We are so grateful for this new precious soul in our lives and her presence has helped us find ourselves as individuals and as a couple again.

So, now we have a date night and its wild that even the smallest things I appreciate: our arms or hands touching, side by side in our theater seats, sitting across from him and having a conversation without interruption, just BEING with him without interruption! ; ) I am brought back to those moments when we first started dating, that anticipation and wonder. It doesn't matter how long you've been married to someone, when you're rarely alone and then suddenly you are alone, it feels fresh. Fresh because we are always evolving, even when we don't realize it while we give so much of ourselves to our family. We talked about life before we were in each others lives and we talked about the book he has yet to finish writing.

Its simple, just a few hours alone...but truly, its so healing and connecting for us. Since we've always lived away from family, leaving Cedar hasn't been a comfortable thing for us...especially because of who he is and his needs. I surrendered and trusted that we would find someone and the wait was worth it. We have found a kindred spirit in her.

...and I miss my husband. I didn't realize it until Saturday night out on our date. My favorite part of the evening after our movie, after the dinner and inside the coffee shop, we were sunk deep into our leather chairs, reading side by side. Quiet but together, finally sinking into feeling no stress. I looked over at him and my heart fluttered and that felt amazing and I looked at his lips and wanted to kiss them.

Date night. More please.

happy birthday boho boy*

{some birthday love & breakfast in bed for him}

My love's first birthday in our new yellow cottage. So much to celebrate. We are finally beginning to settle. Just a few boxes to unpack. My sister is coming on Monday, so her visit motivated me to focus on creating a space that is nourishing for all of us.

I am moved so deeply how this cottage immediately felt like hOMe. Like we have spent years here before. I feel so drawn into these walls, almost as if I can feel its heart beat and my heart expand along with it. I think subconsciously I was never able to fully root myself into our darling blue cottage and now it feels more clear to me why. To all of us.

Stories to share here very soon. One that is one of the most beautiful moments of my life: two friends...Katie & Lisa doing a Buddhist ceremony for our home as me and my two boys cuddled on the bed and witnessed something so surreal and peaceful unfold.

But first...happy birthday to my dream boat.

{my boys eating breakfast and telling stories on one of our first mornings here}

why he is the perfect daddy for cedar.

happy father's day!

xo

feeling butterflies and flustered*

{ at woods coffee a few weeks ago }

The Summer months are Boho Boy's nuttiest with his business as it all ties around education and school begins late August. All of his databases need to be running smoothly and ready for the school rush. This means long long hours into the night sometimes. It also means not a lot of relief for me, so we agreed that we should hire a babysitter for one or two nights a week so I can breathe. I needed this time to work on my niece's engagement session but now that those images are processed, I am sitting here catching up on hundreds of emails that I have been unable to nurture.

This particular babysitter night, Boho Boy is sitting near me at the coffee shop. Usually he stays at home to work but he needed a haircut, so down the street he went to an Aveda salon and an hour later, in he walks looking like a totally different dude. I adored his long hair. So, I didn't expect to feel butterflies. But there he was. Reminding me of the guy I met in 2002.

Before...

{i've been told this should be their album cover}

After...

{taken a few minutes ago at the coffee shop}

There was something else entirely that I was going to write about. But I feel a bit flustered. So I think I will just keep this post about his new do.

It reminds me of when we were first together, walking down the streets of downtown Santa Barbara and people kept staring at him, like he was a movie star. I think they thought he was Robert Downey Jr...but taller, so they were confused. On our first date, we were sitting outside of a restaurant on a bench that was up against the restaurant window. Behind us was this couple sitting at their table near the window. I looked back and noticed quite a few times that they were staring and when I told Boho Boy this, he started acting like a monkey, picking things out of my hair and eating them. This is the type of stuff he does. He loves to get a reaction out of people. Needless to say, on our first date, as I laughed so hard I was crying, I already began falling.

I see so much humor in Cedar too. He constantly makes himself laugh and tries to make others laugh. It brings him joy. So, I am living with two funny dudes.

And no...I am not cutting Cedar's hair.

happy birthday, boho boy*

You are my knight.

41 looks soooo sexy on you. ; )

medicine bundles & winners announced*

our medicine bundles, taken with iPhone & applied Instagram app filter

My wee family is feeling the healing balm of Pixie's medicine bundles she left for each of us during a visit last weekend.  Pixie had asked me and Boho Boy to look at her shop and read through the medicine bundles to see which one we felt pulled to.  I chose the Bear medicine bundle and he chose the Horse.  I have had a few encounters with bears that felt surprisingly gentle and right now, in the midst of chaos, I am craving gentleness around me.  The first encounter I had with a bear was while leading a night hike in the woods of Sonora with a group of 4th and 5th graders.  We could see (and hear) a silhouette of a cub following us a few trees away and the mother protectively walking near.  The other leaders were trying to hide their fear but I remember feeling a peace about that closeness.  Almost as if the mama bear and I were communicating.  Another time was when I was staying overnight in Yosemite and my friends and I were sitting around a campfire.  A brown bear walked right through our campsite and brushed up against me and only me.  Again, I didn't feel afraid.  I felt wildly comforted by its touch.

Pixie wasn't surprised I felt drawn to the Bear medicine bundle...saying that I remind her of a nurturing mama bear, among other things.  But when Boho Boy chose the Horse bundle, I was so curious what it was that drew him to it.  He later shared with me that it was the spirit of his father that helped him decide to quit his day job and move to Washington.  His father was always so clear and adamant about his boys following their dreams and not settling for a life of material things but rather living from the heart, even if that means humble surroundings.  I think he did a lot of consulting with his father over this decision and whenever he gets afraid, he remembers what his father would say.  Since his father has passed away, we've had the birth of our son, as well as this move to a place his father would SO approve of.  I know at times like this, the grief can feel stronger than others.  But since the Horse bundle has been near Boho Boy, I have seen parts of his creative soul surface that have been put aside for a long while.  He has been inspired about getting back to woodworking and practicing much of what his father taught him.

So we are now giddily sharing ideas about furniture we'd like to make or re-finish.  Dreams of trips to yard and estate sales or flea markets and filling our home with pieces transformed by our own hands.  I have absolutely no doubt that Pixie's bundles and the love, intention and thoughtfulness she put into them have so much to do with this shifting in our hearts.  I make sure to place them in a room where we are while packing and Boho Boy plans to bring his Horse bundle with him on the road trip to Washington the first week of May.  He will be driving the moving truck for about 4 days while Cedar and I fly out to be with the family for a few days.  Then Cedar and I fly from Northern California into Seattle to meet Boho Boy and we will drive to our new home together for the first time.Cedar has a medicine bundle too...custom made...to help him through this transition.  I so encourage you to look through her shop and see if your heart pulls you towards her gift, her medicine of the earth and animal.

Now, onto last week's Sponsor GIVEaway.

To me, everyone is a winner for sharing such beautiful sentiments.  But you know how it goes.  So, here are the winners of the amazing gifts from the Guides of Serendipity Retreats. You will be contacted via email by the artist. Congrats!

Winner of Pixie Campbell’s “Call of the Wild” signed 8.5 x 11 fine art print: Martha who wrote;   “Serendipity is reading these beautiful words at just the right time – today – right now- my life is uncertain, a lot of comments that have been made are already in my heart. I am in transition and am so unsure but open and am listening to those whispers of those angels who have presented themselves to me – just as I was told that they would..my path is not clear and I am trying to live like the wolf , in the present, acutely aware, always alert to what may be presented to me – serendipity is my hope – and all these words and these posts bring it home to me and rest in my heart to show me that I am not alone on my path ….the wolf is an image that I need to remember in order to stay alive and be wild and free …”

Winner of  a signed copy of Kate Inglis’s book The Dread Crew: Renee who wrote:;  “Balance…..I can never seem to get it on purpose, or keep it…..so it is rather serendipitous to me at this point in my life…..I am torn between the rocks and The Wild….but I choose The Wild as I need to leave fear behind and move forward into my future!!! xoxo”

Winner of McCabe Russell's *Love*Listen*Trust* painted rocks: Lianne Bremer who wrote:  “Oh, how I long to be able to go to this retreat! I mean, you are my women! The wild women who are impassioned and real! I long to celebrate my innate power and beauty with all of you! Serendipity to me is when heaven and earth conspire to delight… and it happens often.  To dance with the Mermaid, pick nettles with the Pixie, and loving create wonder with all of you.. that is what I am drawn to.”

Winner of Michelle Madden Smith’s Self Care/Mommy night in Kit: Pamela G who wrote: “i was just sitting on my bed crying. crying because i’m stressed, overwhelmed, and frustrated. crying because everything seems to be going wrong. it’s been a series of unfortunate events. and no matter how many times i’ve reached out, i find nothing to grasp. . and it hurts so much inside to keep falling. i’ve barely picked myself up and made my way over to the window up here on the third floor, overlooking the street with the castle in view (a church down the road) and the tower from the fire station when i felt a light go on over my shoulder. it was my screensaver on my laptop. it turned itself off and the screen was open on my email page. realizing i had several to respond to, i just sat there, numb and overwhelmed. thought to myself, i need to read some calming words, where is the best place i can find that. so i came here, denise… and saw your most recent post. now i think that is serendipity.  i could not only use the self care kit, but a hug. someone to hold ME and tell me everything is going to be ok…”

a capture from today*

My husband lifted up his shirt to show Cedar his man-nipples and Cedar cracked up.

Awesome.

Boys.

something cedar taught me.

One precious thing that Cedar has been doing for as long as I can remember is closing his eyes when he really wants to feel something.  He'll do it when wind hits his face, when he is chewing something delicious, when he is running down a hill or walking with his arms wide open. He'll just close his eyes and smile and take deep breaths.  Many times I describe it as him drinking the moment in.  It really teaches me to be present in that moment and open up my senses.

Sometimes he'll close his eyes while he is building blocks or trying to fit a straw into a hole or put his train on the track. This is when I feel he is also trying to have another experience.  "This is how it feels to stack blocks with my eyes open and this is how it feels to stack blocks with my eyes closed.  Hmmm...its harder with my eyes closed."

Today we were at a pond and collected sticks to throw into it.  He would throw one with his eyes open and try the other one with his eyes closed.  He invited me to do the same.  He seems to love the challenge and also the shift in perspective.

So today it has me thinking about perspective and how we truly have the power to shift ours.  Just like the video I shared with you all yesterday on being alone.  It really moved me to rethink my definition of loneliness.  Especially because lately, I've been really craving a community where I can actually touch the skin of a person rather than type keys to connect.  Watching that video inspired me to reflect on those moments in my life that felt most healing and most of them (not all, but most) where when I was alone;  journal writing, sitting at the beach, dancing in my loft, busting out paints for the first time in my studio apartment in Berkeley, sitting at a coffee shop or laying on a blanket under a tree.  In those moments, I didn't realize a healing was taking place but upon reflection, those were the moments, infused with self nurturing, that gave me courage the next day to keep moving.  I was able to connect with myself in a way that felt whole rather than my energy being given out in a hundred different directions.

A shift in perspective.

Lately, my husband has been having a rough time with feeling overwhelmed and overtired in regards to work.  We've had a few hard nights of not connecting and saying things we don't mean.  Today, after spending time with Cedar and observing him closing his eyes and breathing in, I chose to look at what is going on with my husband in a different way.  Rather than try to over analyze him, I chose to look at my reactions and my triggers and realized that so many of them were rooted in fear.  Fear that I may lose him in many ways and that the free spirited 5th grade teacher I met years ago preferring writing his book over working, would resent me for the rest of his life for having to support his family at this time.  It was me taking it all on as though it was my fault.  It was me holding onto guilt for not being able to give energy equally to all of the parts that make me, me...motherhood, wifehood, sister, friend, daughter, writer, blogger, photographer, teacher and projecting it onto him as though he was saying I wasn't enough.  It was all my stuff.  Isn't it always?  It helps so much to self reflect and open up spaces for self nurturing and gentleness.  And I know when he has energy, he will do his own self reflecting and self nurturing.  So I sent him a love note explaining all of this.  Owning my part and promising to truly SEE him and listen and love. I cannot control his feelings but only my reactions to them and this is something I have been aware of for years but its so easy to forget when there are such big emotions whirling around.

So, now I know when he walks through that door tonight, I will see things a bit different.  Sort of like closing my eyes and opening them up again.

Here is a photo I took of Cedar and me today...when his eyes were wide open.  ; )

pinkie ouchie.

cedar at my sister's farm, canon 50d

This photo has nothing to do with what I am going to write about...but I stumbled across it today and think its so cute. I am adoring Cedar's hair these days...and giggle at the natural part in the middle.

So, I can't type well. This is going slow. Last night I was cutting into a whole onion and I felt the knife go into my left pinkie. Boho Boy was playing on the floor with Cedar in the family room (which is right near the kitchen) and I grabbed my finger, pulled it against my belly...

Me: "Omg! That was bad. REAL bad. I think it was REALLY bad!" as I walked over near him with the look of massive fright on my face, shaking my head.

Boho Boy: "What, what??? What did you do??"

Me: "I cut it bad. Real bad." {Iwas so totally panicking and repeating myself}

Boho Boy: (getting up and hovering over me, trying to pry my hand from my belly with a really calm voice). "Let me see it honey, its okay, let me see it."

Me: "It's getting numb! It feels like its hanging! Its hanging, I know it is!!" I buried my head into his shoulder and lifted my hand up to him and it took forever for him to slowly pry my other hand off of my finger. He takes me over to the sink because of the blood.

Boho Boy: "I need to see it honey." (really calm). "I think you just cut your nail off. Its okay, let me run it under water. It might sting. Its okay."

Me: "Omg, its hanging, isn't it? Is it hanging?!?!?!? Its bad, really bad."

At this point I am standing behind him, resting my back on his back with my left arm wrapped awkwardly around and in front of his chest. I know as the words are coming out of my mouth I am being TOTALLY dramatic and I surprised myself at how I as being this way. All these thoughts are going through my head, like...I can't believe Cedar is seeing me this way (he was standing at the gate in the kitchen talking in his own language, looking worried) and how can my finger feel like its hanging off when its not?

Boho Boy: "I think you just cut your nail off and a bit into your finger. Its going to be okay, babe."

Relief washed over. I was so taken aback at how calm he was the entire time. So chill, not at all reacting to me over reacting. Later we talked about it and he said down deep he was really scared and thought I may have chopped the tip of my finger off but he said he's always been able to keep a calm face and demeanor in panicked situations.

I want to be more like this and I know I will need to be like this with a little boy that loves to climb and jump and explore and gets at least one bruise a day right now. I can just imagine when he is older. How do you practice calm in the midst of panic? I am hoping instinctually, it will kick in for me but I notice when Cedar's been hurt in the past in a bad way, it was always Boho Boy that was the more chill and me that cries and gasps.

Well, now that I think about it, the times he has hurt himself and Boho Boy wasn't around, I was more calm and centered about it.  That's interesting.

Okay, my pinkie really hurts to type...even with a pretty green bandaid on it.  Goodbye...

tender father*

Sometimes there are no words to express what I feel for these two. Especially when they're together and I am observing from a distance. I love watching their relationship unfold. Boho Boy is such a tender father. Every time Cedar holds onto his daddy or snuggles into his chest, Boho Boy melts into him with eyes closed and big sighs. My heart flutters each time. I think this photo says so much more than I can put into words.

How did I get so blessed?

{I went on a date with self today to see Eat Pray Love. Javier Bardem reminded me so much of Boho Boy and I love that rather than fantasizing about Javier on the way home, I fantasized about my husband that I get to kiss when I walk in the door. There is just something about big deep eyes, long messy layered hair and scruffy chins that get me good. ; ) }

my Mr. Kroon*

us on the beach, canon 50d ~ august break #14

Six years ago today, I married you on a cliff, with crashing waves below (and two nuns in their habits that decided to stop, sit and watch amongst our family, friends and passers by).

I remember waking up that morning snuggled up to one of my girlfriends in the loft and my other friend running up to us from the master bedroom downstairs and all of us giggling and them asking if I was nervous. I remember not feeling an ounce of nervousness and I thought that spoke volumes. I was just so certain and all I felt was ready.

You had gotten up really early and went swimming in the ocean with your brother. Then you spent the majority of the morning helping to decorate our wedding site. You knew it was important to me that it was just as we had envisioned. A garden faerie wedding. I heard from everyone that you worked so, so hard and kept everyone laughing. I asked you if you had wished you got a massage or did more swimming or kayaking or playing with your friends.  You told me you didn't want to be anywhere else.  How many men would do this on their wedding day?

One of the most special moments to me was when after a long, gorgeous, dreamy wedding day, we were in our honeymoon suite by the sea and there I was laying with my white lingerie on the bed and you stood in front of me with your khaki linen pants and your white linen shirt unbuttoned and your eyes filled with tears, telling me I was so beautiful. Tears fell from my eyes because I knew you were not just speaking of my outward beauty. I pulled you down and we held one another and cried a bit and I felt my heart take flight. I didn't know what I did to have a man like you in my life. A man that can be a bit private with his emotions to others, yet from day one, freely allowed me to explore so deep into the layers of who you are.

Today, six years later, we are constantly exploring. Just last night we made sure to talk through some emotional terrain in a way that opened up doors to one another rather than close them. These times create even more space for you and our love in my heart. Spaces I didn't know were there but must have always been reserved just for you.

Happy Anniversary.

I love you, my Mr. Kroon.

Happy Birthday Boho Boy!

my boho boys in january, 2010

My dear husband turned 40 today.

I was madly in love with him the day we were married on a cliff, near the sea, with fabric flowing up top tall bamboo and lanterns and lights in the trees.  We were surrounded by faerie magic and the deep love and support from our yummy family and dear friends.

Every day since that magical one, I fall deeper and deeper in love with who he is as an individual, husband, father, son and friend.

The other day he was sitting on the couch reading and I was across from him curled up in his brown leather man-chair.  He asked me why I was looking at him so funny and I said "because you look a lot like you did the day we met in that kitchen in Santa Barbara early in the morning.  Same shorts.  Same type of shirt.  Same tousled hair."  I kept sacred to myself what else I was feeling.  A little shy to keep going because he seemed embarrassed enough already.  But my heart was swelling that I married that man and he we are, 8 years later and I am still so crushed out.

Please leave him some birthday yums in the comment section.

We are away from our family and friends and I so want him to feel wrapped up in love today from those that surround us in our life.  I planned a spa day for him near the sea.  A 90 minute deep tissue massage and a float tank.  Then dinner at one of our fave places.  YUM.

Here are 40 reasons why I love him.

1. He is so very witty and makes me laugh every. single. day.
2. He loves to read and reading is sexy.
3. He can be the life of the party or the quiet one in the corner reading.  Love that.
4. He has an open mind and is not a fan of labels/boxes on ideas/people.
5. He has the most beautiful forest green eyes.  They sometimes look gray or brown.  Awesome.
6. He has a deep understanding and appreciation for the sacred feminine.
7. I feel he truly sees me and wants me to be ME.
8. He has always encouraged and supported my dream to be a freelance artist/writer.
9. He has worked so hard since I met him so that one day soon we will all live somewhere in the country and work from home, doing what we both love and teaching our child(ren) how to follow their dreams.
10. He has such a deep well of patience and has taught me to be more patient.
11. He has taught me to breathe deep and ask for space when we disagree, so that it doesn't escalate to a place where we say things we don't mean.
12. He gives the best hugs ever.
13. He is 6'2 and I am 5'3 and...well, that is yummy.
14. He loves camping in the redwoods of Norther California.  I grew up camping there.
15. He loves/needs to live near the ocean.  Me too.
16. He is a writer and has been writing a trilogy for years. It is Awesome.  That's hot.
17. He wants to build us a meditation dome in our backyard someday.
18. He is a self taught construction dude (love him in a tool belt).
19. He grew up with a mother from Germany that loves traveling, hosting parties and cooking and a father that was an archeologist/anthropologist/professor/musician and a brother that is a fine artist hippy.  A truly bohemian fam.
20. He is willing to try any way of eating and always jumps on board with me when I start a new thing (currently Vegan).
21. He does Tai Chi in our living room with our son running in and out of  his legs.
22. He is a very present father to Cedar.
23. He has been in a band and is an awesome drummer.  He drums on everything.
24. He walks around naked, very comfy in his skin.  Its inspiring.
25. He is very open minded about spirituality.
26.  He loves/admires both Jesus and Buddha (me too).
27. He introduced me to Sci-Fi and brought out my inner Geek from 6th grade that felt she had to be something other than who she was to be loved and accepted.  I now embrace the Geek in me.
28. He wants to travel to Thailand someday.  Me too.
29. He loves and is proud that his lady is a Boho.
30. He reads my blog every time I have a new post.
31. He supports and encourages girly get-aways for me.
32. He loves to Kayak.  Kayaking is hot.
33. He appreciates and loves my curves.
34. He needs communication to feel truly intimate with a woman and is not afraid to admit that.
35. He went to therapy for a while before we met and had self-help books in his bookshelf.  That is hot.
36. He wants to build us a straw bale house someday.
37. He wears drawstring pants and rainbow sandals in the summer.  HOT.
38. He wasn't afraid to tell me he wanted to marry me a few weeks after we met.  Love his brave heart.
39. He thinks being a man is being in touch with your emotions and knowing who you are.  HOT.
40. I always dreamed of marrying a man from a different country.  He's Canadian.  Canadians ROCK.

Bonus fact:  He taught me the concept of asking one another "what are you afraid of?" during disagreements or grumpy moments.  It shifts from projecting to introspection.  YUM.

from Boho Boy in honor of Father's Day.

me & cedar swinging at a park, taken by my wife

Before I met my wife I was a ‘Fixer” You know.. the guy who loved to fix everyone's problems except their own. Was so easy that way. Mr. Helpful… don’t worry about me… I’m fine. After the umpteenth failed relationship, I figured it was time for some soul searching. So I went on a quest of self discovery and improvement.

I went to counseling and had to do the hardest thing I ever did: turn that magnifying glass on myself. It was painful. But the good kind of painful. Those of you that have done “the work”, know what I am talking about.

One day in my best friend's kitchen in Santa Barbara a door opened and out walked my wife. I knew it the second I saw her. A calm soft voice whispered to me, “There she is”, and that’s what I said out loud.

The urges to ‘Fix” and help all came rushing back in our first few conversations. The White Knight on his gallant steed. But she reminded me: “I don’t want you to fix anything... just hear me”… and I was stopped dead in my tracks. I didn’t want the old patterns to ruin this one. I took a deep breath and let go. All I had to do was love her, with no expectations. It’s so much easier that way.

And now I get to do the same for my incredible son.

Happy Fathers Day.

Love,
Boho Boy

me & cedar this weekend at a bookstore, taken by my wife

i. love. him. so.

boho boy at the park

The other day I was writing a friend about my husband. I shared how when we first started dating, that my heart was guarded. I had a few romantic relationships in the past that made it difficult for me to trust the words "I Love You", so I was treading lightly. Boho Boy was in a space of complete openness. He had been single much longer than me and with that time had done so much self healing and therapy and was so Zen.

One night he told me... "I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life but I don't have any expectations for you to feel the same."

That was when I allowed myself to fall.

"Funny how fallin', feels like flyin'..."
~ Jeff Bridges & Colin Farrell ~ Fallin' & Flyin off the Crazy Heart Soundtrack

reading is sexy.

my boys at east beach, santa barbara {memorial day weekend}

; )

how we celebrated.

cedar bear today at henry's market, taken with phone

This morning I woke up with an intense sore throat and head pounding with aches and a body that just wanted to lay still. Usually a flu creeps up on me but this one was so sudden. My first thought was that Boho Boy had a lot of work to do today and Cedar is feeling tender with teeth that are cutting through his gums and oh my...how am I going to be present for them when I feel this way?

When Boho Boy first laid eyes on me this morning, he knew it was bad...so he dropped all of his other priorities and gave us so much love all day. He bundled us up in the car and took us to Henry's and we picked up immune boosting goodies. Then he asked me what I wanted that wouldn't so much help heal my body but heal my soul and I said "bread sticks!". He smiled huge.

I've always wanted warm, melt in your mouth, garlic salted bread sticks. My honey made me gluten free ones tonight. It was pure heaven. Pure melt in your mouth, crispy on the outside, moist on the inside, buttery, garlic-y heaven.

He also made us some fresh veggie juice, heated up some soup, put blankets on me and all was good and ready for two Star Trek films. Yes, the new Star Trek film made me curious about the old ones and you know this is a major turn on for Boho Boy. He had no idea when he met me that I would someday be this into Sci Fi stuff. It was fun to giggle at the old outfits and hair do's that were supposed to be future-like but were oh so 70's. Awesome. Medicine for my soul.

Cedar cuddled us good today. He too was in the mood to chill.

So this was our day. The first day of the year. Despite my whole body feeling achy, my heart was full of so much love for my boys. It still felt like a celebration.

Oh, and did I mention I loved the bread sticks and when I told Boho Boy it was the best bread I've ever had, he looked so totally proud of himself? It made me want to dip him in garlic-y salt too and eat him up. ; )

I am wishing all of you sweet simple moments of celebration.

the boho boys, {click to enlarge}

I had to share this photo that I took at the end of the night last night with my phone. Cedar wanted to spend every waking moment in his bday fort...even the last few moments before his eyes got heavy for sleep. Precious precious.

I also wanted to share a few links:

You can find me over at Creative Therapy here.

Beautiful Lisa over at Doorways Traveler wrote about our moving photo session together here. Her intellectual mind, her warm and huge heart and her brave travels are so very inspiring to me.

storytime with the boho boys.

My boho boys reading together is part of our bedtime ritual. Last week, Cedar took it upon himself to start turning the pages, which blew me away. I mean, I am a new momma and am not about comparing milestones, so I have no idea if this is genius or normal but I find it so cute that he is doing this at 10 months.

Boho Boy is reading him Little Pea...a sweet gift from his Fairy Godmother.