One year ago today, Boho Boy and I left our home and never returned the same. We journeyed to Portland, Oregon and rushed to our birth parent's house to find K having contractions, knowing... this. was. it. We scooped her up and together, the four of us helped Cedar into the world. The minute we saw his face, we knew it was him...the one we had been waiting for. The one that kept us pressing on through all the hard stuff...because we knew at the end of the road would be a person so special, so unique, so beautiful and warm. We felt him throughout it all...and there he was, in our arms, snuggling against our skin.
We were just talking this morning about how this feels like just yesterday, yet...it also feels as though Cedar was always in our life. How it feels like forever ago because its difficult to imagine his spirit not near.
We also talked about K & T and how this is their story too and when I called to leave a message on her phone today, my tears were brimming and my voice trembling because that day felt so clear in my mind. Oh how selfless K & T were when they celebrated with us regardless of their pain. How when K pushed Cedar out and the doctors took him away to examine his lungs, she said..."go to your son...he wants his mommy." I looked at her in awe, uncertain if this was my place and her kind eyes told me it was. It was then when it hit me...as I walked into the room full of doctors and nurses hovering, with my husband's arm around me and then they parted so we could see him...and there he was...my son. Our son.
This year has been extraordinary. It feels as though my heart has expanded wider than I could have ever imagined. I feel taller and stronger and more centered, yet I also feel peeled and frayed and undone. I knew I would love my child deep but I never could have imagined what else came with that love; a pure and special bond, a relationship that fills me up, a companionship that shifts my soul to a softer place with him and all those that surround me. Cedar is my teacher, he is our teacher.
Today we built him a fort while he was taking his morning nap. It is a tradition that begins with his first birthday. Each year we will build one on his special day. When he is old enough to help us, we will let him choose what he wants in and around it; colors, themes, lights...it will be his magical place. His realm of imagination.
When he woke up and we sat him inside his fortress, its like he knew what it all meant. He raised his arms up and out and longingly signaled for us to join him. This pillowy, color soaked, soft and cushy, musical, dreamy place is exactly what it feels like to be a family. It felt like our womb, our sanctuary...our happy place.
We just love him so. We love how others love him. We love how his presence has changed our lives and the lives of my family. We love that he's here...finally. We love how he came into this world and into our lives.
We love that he's one.
{cedar's outfit by adatine}