mmmmm...solstice*

We are marinating in the energy the Solstice brings.

Here is me, earlier today, lounging near a fire at the beach house during Cedar's nap. Boho Boy made me a yerba mate with vanilla rice milk and agave nectar with whipped cream and peppermint bark sprinkles (YUM). I was writing a list of all of the parenting books you suggested on my previous post. I was only able to download Unconditional Parenting from iBook on my iPhone...so the rest we will search for at a bookstore around here. Raising Children, Raising Ourselves is on its way. All of this wisdom is transforming our hearts in beautiful ways. Our intuition always leads us with Cedar but gentle wisdom helps too. ; )

Oh, and how is this for adorable...

May the Solstice rain many droplets of peace and calm.

scenes from last night*

Last night was magical.  We played in a wee Christmas Village.  Cedar was blissed.

Christmas this year will feel different for my side of the family...for many reasons. One of them being that we are staying home this year. Boho Boy's mother and Boho Brother are joining us and we are venturing to a beach house not far from here. We'll be just like that song Tennessee Christmas that Amy Grant sings on her Christmas Album about going to Southern California and coming home with a tan for the holidays. ; ) Well, not really as the forecast is rain...but at least a few steps away from our front door there will be ocean, sand and palm trees.

I have lots planned for the five of us and the 8 days we are gone. I packed a craft bag tonight and I imagine some creative goodies laid out on the table with music and a fire burning in the fireplace, hot cider, paint, pens, paper, cardboard and string. This will be after we spend the day finding treasures to add to our project. I am hoping we have internet, so I can post the photos but if not, you will see them when we return.

I will miss my family achingly so. There has been some heavy emotional terrain each of us have walked through individually and as a family, so the tenderness in all of that leaves me feeling melancholy. I think it is one of the reasons Boho Boy wanted to get away and do something new and fresh. To lighten things up and to create new memories with his family. I look forward to being surrounded by new energies and stories and bonding through it all.

I hope to post again but if the internet is not working there, then I guess that is one more reason to be present, right? I am sending each of you warm hugs, silent holy nights, swirly white lights and a peace within.

xoxox

way too much fun*

self portrait with hipstamatic on iPhone4

I took this today while wrapping gifties. Do I look done? ; )

Having WAY too much fun with my phone. Now that I am getting the hang of it, I will practice on other objects other than myself...I promise. ; )

The three things I am grateful for today that I wrote in my Gratitude Journal:

• How Cedar's curls feel against my cheek
• Hearing Boho Boy peacefully sleeping upstairs while I wrap gifts down below
• Recording myself dancing in the kitchen for Sus on my iPhone and sending it to her (oh no, watch out friends!)

{ps. my head wrap is from Colour Bazaar.  love her stuff}

hipstamatic*

my very first hipstamatic photo with my iPhone4. ; ) i have so much to learn.

really loving everyone's stories in my previous post. parenting is all the colors of the rainbow and more as every child is unique in their needs. so beautiful for the opportunity to peek into what has flowed for all of you. do keep sharing. we all learn from one another.

and as always, i cherish the little nuggets that feel right to our wee family. {i notice i am singing more to cedar today. he is responding to my sing songy voice. i feel like mary poppins.}

circus and therapy*

We should all start eating our celery and peanut butter in the middle.  Its where the good stuff is.  I love that he does this.

My days with Cedar have been so full.  His discovery of life...of emotions and energy and feelings and desires and needs are so big and the two of us feel so intertwined.   And I am in Love.  And I am so worn.  I don't know how you single parents do it but I will forever bow down to you.  Forever.

I am so tired that it is hard to put into words how this last week has been for us.  He is discovering so much more of his separateness and is expressing it in new ways.  The best way to describe it is that I feel like all day long I am either at the Circus or in Therapy.  Our children can be our mirrors and throughout the day I feel myself being triggered in some way.  Motherhood is like a never ending therapy session.  ; )

Guess what.  Remember I said I wanted an iPhone?  Well the very next day, Cedar and I were on a hike and I slid down a muddy slope and my feet flew out in front of me and when I landed, my Palm Pre went flying in the air and crashed down on a rock.  Totally cracked and broken.  I took that as a huge sign that it was time to move on.  We got iPhone's tonight!!!  I am so giddy about the better photo quality and the fun apps to play with and the video messaging.  I heard from my friends that I may get obsessed.  Would love to hear what apps are your faves!

Would also love to hear about your creative ways of how you inspired, encouraged, guided your toddler to listen to you (when they decide they don't want to).  Also, are you into time-outs?  If not, what worked for you?  I always love to hear your stories.  Stories are so much more fun than advice.  I am loving the book Parenting for a Peaceful World but I can only read it in bits.  Mama is tired at night.

question to my readers & winner*

{me & my flyaway roots, self portrait}

I took this photo for my loved ones with my Palm Pre to document a flirty day at Whole Foods. Let me explain but first may I say I am not happy with the photo quality from my Palm Pre phone? I don't remember which version it is but I think it is one of the first to come out, so I am sure they have improved on it but my photographer heart is longing for the groovy iPhone that most of my peeps have (with the funky phone apps). Must save up for such things.  For now, I will be grateful that I am able to take photos with my phone, period.

Okay, so flirty day at Whole Foods. Its been a long time since I've been flirted with. I don't expect to ever be and I don't need to be and I don't seek it out but when it happens, I suppose I am at the age where one might make a bigger deal out of it than before. You lovelies approaching 40 and older know EXACTLY what I am talking about! I walked into Whole Foods the other day sans Cedar because he was hanging with his daddy. It was the best grocery trip EVER. I got flirted with by the produce man, the meat dude, the deli gal, the body care woman and the boys at the check out. Most of them said something about my hair and all of them made me blush but the ones that made me blush the most were the ladies. They flirt WAY sexier than the boys. I heart women. I just remember sitting in my car in the parking lot after loading up the groceries and smiling to myself. I sat there breathing that feeling in. I felt really sexy and realized that I haven't tapped into that essence in too long. I've been in mommy mode with stained clothes, messy buns, baggy clothes and food on my face. It felt good to slip on a somewhat snug dress and go about the town. When I came home to tell Boho Boy about my flirty day, I noticed he was more affectionate and attentive the remainder of the day.  Then something one of my dear friends said to me came flooding into my mind; "Our partners vibe off of how we feel about ourselves." Man, its so true. So many times I project onto my husband that he doesn't find me as sexy as he used to but truly, it is me that has been neglecting my sexiness. We both project onto one another as lovers/partners all the time. Just something I've been chewing on and offer up for you to chew on.

Note to self:  Wear red dress more often.

Onto the Question for YOU beauties...

Those of you that have read throughout my journey here on my blog are aware that I am definitely into a communal vibe.  I like to include my readers in on some of my posts by asking questions to learn from YOUR wisdom and journeys, as well.  Many have written me and thanked me for helping them to feel part of a community of sorts and for providing a space for them to spill that feels safe.  This has meant so much to me and it is what inspired me to create my e-course in the first place.

My husband and I were talking about my e-course on a drive this past weekend.  He had thought it would be a cool idea to have my blog readers somehow be a part of the course (whether they take the course or not).  So, we brainstormed some ideas.  One idea he had that I LOVED was to put out a call to you lovelies to do a video for me, answering a few questions.

So...I am putting out a call to whomever is interested in spreading some of their juicy wisdom to my e-course students.

The Details:

• If you're into this idea,  create a video of yourself answering the two questions (or you can choose one):  What do you do to nurture yourself when you are feeling depleted? and What makes you feel like a wanton sexy goddess? It can be you telling a story about something that happened to you or just sharing ideas, tips, tricks that have helped you or just spilling your heart about these topics.
• Video should be no longer than 10 minutes (that way you can upload it to Youtube if you'd like since 10 min is their limit)
• Email the video file to me at nectargirlcourse (at) gmail (dot) com
• Also include in the email a self portrait, a short bio about yourself, as well as your website/blog links.
• During the e-course,  I will post a video from one of my blog readers on the Nectar Girl e-course private blog once or twice a week (depending on how many videos I have  available in my library).

So, not only would it be another space for you to tell your story and inspire other women but it would also give you an opportunity to promote your blog or creative business in a safe and nurturing venue.

Just as much as you always support me, it is important to me to support you on your journeys.

Okay, onto the WINNER of last week's GIVEaway:

#60...{drum roll}... Brie of Fall Creek Fibers!!! You won a spot in Marianne's awesome 30 Days of Yoga e-course! Brie, Send me an email at denise (at) bohophoto.com and I will direct you to Marianne in order to get you signed up for the course.  Congrats my dear.  I took a deep breath and let out an "Ommmmm"...and imagined a white light on the person to be chosen for this course.  Then your number was generated.  Blessings!

what we've been up to...

The other day we had a bit of a rough day at the park. Cedar was being teased by some boys for feeding a rocking Sea Horse his water from a sippy cup and a bite of his snack. Then again he was mocked for being animated. My heart broke as his body melted into me in tears when he figured out what they were doing. I worried if moments like this would crush his sweet spirit. Cedar and I had a heart to heart about it. I looked him in the eyes and told him that I understand him and that he is so loved just as he is.  Again, I wondered if at two years old, he really grasped the message I was sending to him. Then we were about to leave and the boys that were teasing him were standing up at a bench, eating dried cranberries in a bowl. Cedar went up to see what they were doing and he laid his head on the shoulder of the boy that purposely laughed in his face a half our prior. I choked back tears. He lays his head on his stuffed animals and people when we say "give it/them love". He was giving this boy love. I know many would say to me right now "but he's two years old...you're thinking too deep. he was just being cute." But in my heart I feel that Cedar must know somewhere down deep that when people intentionally hurt others, it is because they are hurting inside...and that boy needed love.

Here is a glimpse of our days together which have opened up to a bigger world now that I have been on the internet less. I am soaking this time in as I know life will become fuller soon.

{most are taken with my palm-pre phone!}

{you can still enter the e-course giveaway here...until sunday at 9pm PST}

e-course GIVEaway!

Whether you've never practiced yoga before and want to get started, or have attended classes regularly for years, 30 Days of Yoga is an online program designed to support you to begin a regular practice of yoga in the comfort of your own home. Marianne has crafted it lovingly to meet the needs of people who are not getting what they need from large yoga classes or mass-produced DVDs.

Meet my dear friend, Marianne...{I shared a bit more about her on my blog here}.

{marianne...photo by Stefanie Renee}

Her approach is grounded in a radical form of self-kindness because she believes that we all respond better to kindness than criticism and because kindness works. It’s a powerful and transformative force.

Marianne says:

"The approach works because I’m teaching what I know best. I’m the expert on struggling to get into a steady home practice of yoga because I’ve struggled myself. I’ve tried bribing myself into it, nagging myself into it, forcing myself into it. None of them worked. What works – for me and for hundreds of others – is the simple, transformative, compassionate approach that I set out in this course."

If you are a beginner then you’ll be pleased to know that the January course of 30 days of yoga is going to include a brand-new beginners version. You don't need to have any experience of yoga at all, nor do you need fancy yoga pants. That's the beauty of yoga at home, you can do it in your underwear if you like!

The 30 days will begin on 4 January 2011 (the first new moon of the new year).  Read more here.

GIVEaway Rules:

• Winner receives one spot in this awesome e-course (would be a wonderful gift too!)
• To enter, please leave a comment giving yourself some "self kindness" in some way (a word affirmation, something you love about your mind, spirit, body or soul or a gentle reminder for yourself)
• Comment can be one word or many
• Winner will be chosen at random
• Comments will be closed Sunday, December 12th at 9pm PST
• Blessings to all.

{I will be publishing other blog posts before Sunday but will continue to direct readers to this post so they will know to enter}

texture clothing*

both boho boy is wearing knit mitts in swamp & black and i am wearing them in chocolate & pumpkin spice.  i am also wearing the comfy skirt in the color swamp and the posh pants in black

*All Boho Girl blog readers get %20 off Texture Clothing thru December 24th!!!*

{just add the code "boho20" when purchasing}

When we were getting ready for our trip to Bellingham, we had heard from a few friends that a must do while there is to visit Texture Clothing downtown.  My friend Marybeth lives in and loves her yummy red Posh Pants and when she modeled them for me one day on a video she made for us, I made sure to save up for my own pair.  I loved how they fell on her bod!

So, during our trip, I walked into the darling store and immediately fell in love with the gorgeous fabrics and colors, the earthy vibe and easy going energy.  This really stunning woman walked up to me to say hello and welcome me to the store.  I remember feeling shy because she was so gorgeous and sparkly with a red flower stuck inside one of her two messy buns.  She asked me about my dreadlocks and where I got them done and then we just started chatting like two girlies about hair and clothes and I let her know we were moving there soon.  It was then that I found out her name was Teresa and she was the Proprietress of Texture Clothing and I think I blushed.  I told her that my friend who lives there, Marybeth crushes out on her clothes and she said "I remember Marybeth".  Wow...wow, I thought...so amazingly cool to feel such a small town vibe in that moment.  It was obvious to me in this conversation that Teresa cares deeply about her customers, the environment and giving back to her community.

Over the last few months her and I have exchanged emails, so excited to meet for tea when we will officially be neighbors.  I am honored to collaborate with her on my blog to get the word out about her delicious, eco-conscious and comfy duds.   My posh pants are an almost daily item on my bod and I am loving how fun the comfy skirt looks and feels layered over them.  What I love most about her styles is they are very flattering for women with curves...yay!!!

Teresa sent Boho Boy and I a pair of knit mitts and I was wondering how he would feel about them.  He is not a glove person and is sensitive about fabric held tight to his skin.  When he slipped these soft and warm babies on, he actually said "Mmmm..." (no joke) and is now a convert!  Thank you, Teresa!  ; )  I want a pair in every shade...and they come in such a beautiful array of color combos and would make such an awesome gift.

I can't say enough about this company but I will let them do it for you:

Introducing the farm fresh, always stylish, eminently approachable, intriguing feel of texture. Welcome to the look of understated hip, with a contemporary flair and old world integrity. Delightfully different, texture combines fabulous fabrics and dynamic, clean design to create simple, functional clothing with spice.

Orchestrated by Teresa Remple and born of a desire to craft clothing with soul, texture creates clothing looking for people who don't rely on their label to introduce them. Enter texture stage left. Think gypsy vibe and travel savvy with the ease of real world living built in. Distinctly different women - no vanilla: apply within.

Teresa Remple is the naturally caffeinated instigator and inspiration for texture clothing. A seventeen year veteran of the summer festival scene, Teresa embodies a compassionate, earth first vision for the under appreciated, and misunderstood HEMP fabric. A Fashion Arts graduate with a passion for textiles that makes her special, she's all about working hard and living lean.

Texture is a boutique without the pretense ~ hard wearing, high fashion ~ figure flattering cuts ~ street legal HEMP product ~ not the coffee sack fashion typical of HEMP clothing ~ lovingly made, deftly stitched, beautifully patterned in the Pacific NW ~ clothing with a conscience.

breaking out the ukulele*

cedar tonight, recorded with palm pre

I will never tire of how he closes his eyes when he wants to feel something deeper...while eating, drinking, dancing, swinging, singing and playing music.  Its so beautiful to experience every morsel with him.

being held*

clients in love, canon 50d

Today, while driving Cedar to the library, I heard a song by Sara Bareilles and a few lyrics have stayed with me...

"...you hold me without touch".

I have been trying to find words that will express to some people in my life who are not near me but feel so close, the connection between us. It is other worldly to sometimes feel more understood and seen by those that cannot touch you in a physical way every day.

You hold me without touch.

Yes...those are the words I have been searching for. 

Pleasure Picnics*

pixie, canon 50d

I have a guest post over at the lovely Gypsy Girl's Guide today!

facebook, twitter and being present*

Hello lovelies. I have surfaced from a bit of time away from the computer. Boho Boy was home from work and I really wanted to be present as a family...together. He too stayed away from the internet. The break was nourishing for our computer geek hearts.

This brings me to a pretty big decision I made and it has taken me months to come to this place with confidence that is is right for me. I decided to take a break from both Facebook and Twitter for a while. I am not sure if this is a permanent decision or if it is temporary. I most likely will create a new Facebook and Twitter account focusing on my e-course when registration begins in February because to me personally, I feel it will be important to have a space for the Nectar Girls to gather and share.  But as far as personal accounts, it was beginning to feel a bit overwhelming for me. I haven't yet tried to put the feelings that brought me to this decision into words, so bare with me.

First let me begin with how grateful I have been for social media/networking, period. Blogging has guided me to so many like minded spirits. It was how I found some of my people, my dear friends for life...kindred spirits that gathered with me in a virtual garden to nourish one another. This space has given so many of us permission to express and be all the layers of who we are. I can't say enough about blogging and it is why I choose to show up here and share my story, not only to record my life for my son and family but also to encourage others to tell their own stories;  for healing, for gathering, to not feel alone in this world. I am not sure if my blog will ever go away. You're stuck with me as far as this space goes. ; )

Facebook and Twitter didn't always feel so nourishing. What I was grateful for is how Facebook led me to very old and dear friends from various parts of my life: high-school, church, mission trips, college, previous jobs and the blogging community. It gave me a peek into their lives as I always wondered how their journeys unfolded. It kept me in touch with my lovelies;  a peek into their daily doings and a space to exchange words of support or quotes or images of our babes or new hair styles, etc. I will miss this part.  Although, since I tend to be a person that desires to be fully present with my exchanges, I found myself lost in it all most of the time. I am not the best at balancing my energy into many different places at once. I felt a pressure (not from others, but from myself) to show up to not only my home and family but my blog, Facebook and Twitter to share my heart and life. Some of my time that needed to be spent with Cedar and creating an environment in my home that is important to me, was directed towards these spaces and I was left feeling torn. I never felt I could keep up and at times, it brought to surface emotions of not being enough. I noticed that emails in my inbox were not being responded to. Emails from close friends and family that are important to me.  The time I could spend picking up the phone or responding to the email, was spent telling the world that I just brushed my teeth or drank a cup of coffee or my thoughts on a film I had just watched because that was the hip thing to do to stay connected. These are all wonderful, light, fun (and sometimes deep) things to share but I just don't have the time in my day for it all and being hip is less important to me now than it ever has been. I had to really marinate in this and figure out where I felt my energy was most needed. Twitter was easier for me to let go of. It always felt presumptuous to me that anyone would want to know so many details about me!!  Some of my friends are so creative with it and I wish I had the Twitter mojo but oh my...it got quite boring on that page.

What solidified this decision for me was the few times I took a break from them.  I noticed I had more energy for my son and was able to put more energy into activities that fed my soul and my family.  That was big.

I feel it is so important to make it clear that this is my story with these forms of social media. We all have our own stories and experiences. Others in my life find Facebook and Twitter more nourishing for their souls, as well as an awesome element to their creative businesses and I celebrate and honor that we are all suited for different things at different times in our life. Rather than wish I could be more creative and useful like my friends in those communities right now, I decided to accept my truth and that is a person that thrives sharing through my blog and in deep personal one on one connections.  It is essential for me to continue to be authentic to what feels nourishing and what doesn't and also to not stretch myself too thin.

Perhaps someday space in my life will open up for these things.  Until then, I will have to connect with loved ones the old fashioned way.  ; ) Now that I will be on the computer less, I hope to teach Cedar to do more of this:

I also wanted to end this with an update about my marmie.  She is doing so much better holding her food down and has put on a few pounds.  Her color is coming back a wee bit.  We are so grateful for all of your wonderful suggestions and will continue to go back to them during this journey to healing she is on.

Also wanted to ask if you could send up some positive prayers and thoughts for two of my nephews that I care for deeply.  They are going through a really rough time right now and our hearts are heavy.  Its a bit too personal to share but I know when it comes to the power of communities gathering to lift up, the details don't matter.  So grateful for your intentions, always.

felt-a-licious ecourse*

My dear friend Em is teaching a yummy ecourse...and there is still time to sign up!! For those of you that are dipping your toes into the world of crafting, like me, this is a wonderful and un-intimidating place to start. And for those who are already bonafide Craft Goddesses, this is a fun way to explore another obsession. ; )  Read more information about it here and here.

Em also makes the most gorgeous camera straps.  Such an awesome Christmas gift!  My camera feels so much more dazzling with it.

xo

cedar is two today*

cedar, two years old

Growing up, Boho Boy and his brother woke up on the morning of their birthday to their parents singing "happy birthday to you..." with their cake and candles lighting up the room. They made their wishes first thing, blew out the candles and the magical day began. They did this every single year.

We wanted to start this same tradition for Cedar's birthday, so this morning he was woken up with a song and a gluten free cupcake and two candles lit. It was awesome to see his wonder.

Another tradition we wanted to continue that we started last year was his birthday fort. Although this year, it lasted about 3 hours before he kept pulling on it and it came crashing down...three different times! Perhaps next year, he'll understand that in order to have a fort, you gotta keep it up. We had a blast while it lasted...all cozy and cuddly...playing and tickling and reading books.

I have a slideshow of the fort the day before...the morning candle song...and the presents he opened from his Omi. We are going to celebrate his birthday again over Thanksgiving. Everyone should have a birthday week!

A few things about Cedar and his terrific two~ness:

• Even though he can hold his bottle fine, he still only wants mama to feed him...even if its just a few sips after a nap and before sleepy times. That alone is comfort for him
• He still loves pureed sweet potatoes and carrots with each meal
• Avocados with a dash of sea salt are his favorite
• He just discovered popcorn and calls it "hopan"
• He's really into trains, airplanes, helicopters and school buses
• He loves to sing in the car when we're driving and for us to join in
• He wants all adults in the room to share in whatever he is doing, tasting, feeling, seeing.  He invites you in.
• He is timid with other children in that way
• He went through a hitting phase, which was heartbreaking and a growing experience for mama...but after gently talking him through each experience, he seems to have moved through it
• He seems to have a joyous effect on other children
• People often tell me about the light in his eyes and his pure joy
• They also still think he is a girl.  Even if he is in a super duper boyish outfit
• He loves to Skype with Auntie DD.  They play trains and also both fall on top of a bunch of pillows on each of their couches.  He thinks when she is not here, she lives in the laptop.  He often runs up to the laptop and says "Hiiiii Thee Thee!!"...like he's calling her out to play.  Its both adorable and heart breaking
• My parents are getting Skype over the holidays so they can have play dates with him too
• Right now, if I Skype with someone else, he covers his eyes.  He believes only Auntie DD lives there and anything else is too bizarre to handle
• Mondays he goes through daddy withdrawals
• Daddy gives him a bath each night and they make bubbles with a bubble maker
• Cedar now thinks our lights that are in the ceiling are also bubbles because they are bulbous
• In his mind, the whole world is full of bubbles
• He loves being naked and always pulls his pants off
• He believes all of his stuffed animals are real and he has long conversations with them in his crib
• When he plays with anything that has wheels, he lays on the ground and observes how the wheels move while he pushes it slowly
• Before he has a meltdown on the ground, he does a little dance.  Its really hard not to laugh
• He is fascinated with how things work and are put together.  Last time we were at the park he laid on the ground under one of those bouncy horsey rides to see what made it go back and forth.  He laid there observing for a few minutes
• He has a memory like an elephant and sometimes its almost creepy what he doesn't forget
• He doesn't miss anything and notices the tiniest treasures from a distance.  Like a spec on the ground lots of feet away
• He is now a big fan of bamboo clothing (who isn't).
• He has never sucked his thumb but since birth, he rubs his ears for self soothing to help him sleep or when he is unwell.
• He has awesome rhythm
• He is as tall as a three year old
• He's really witty, already...so this means he might be a clown
• He is our greatest gift and our most favorite life teacher

Happy Birthday, our dear sweet gnome, wood nymph, faerie boy.

raven locks*

me & cedar a few hours ago, taken with palm pre phone

This is the darkest my hair has ever been.  Had to get a shot of it for posterity.  My friend colored it last night.  I especially love this photo because I am giving Cedar a forced cuddle to get the shot for my family and friends to send on their phone.  He just wants to be playing in the puddles...not snuggling his mama.  Most of the times he will pose but not when there are huge pools of water to splash in.  We weren't prepared for the downpour of rain today.  So we got soaked and you can see tiny beads of raven tinted drops all over my head.

I am still trying to get used to having raven dreadies.  I might now explore having one indigo and one purple colored one.  I feel like it looks sort of vixen-ish.  Boho Boy agreed.  Why not spice it up!

pixie love *

pixie campbell, canon 50d

I met Pixie years ago in my very first online community:  Sark's Marvelous Message Board.  Both her and I moved on from that community to writing our own blogs and a few years later, her and I reconnected again in blogland.  In the beginning, I went by the name Bohemian Girl and in her comments, she addressed me as Boho.  It caught on and others started doing it as well.  I myself connected more with that sweet nickname and there you have it.  Pixie is the one who named me.  ; )

I received a very tantalizing email from her a few months ago wooing me out of my sabbatical to photograph her.  I told her that I feel rusty and that she would be the perfect person to stretch my photographer limbs and explore where I am at with this art of mine.  It had been a little over a year since I had a session.   When she told me how enormous this session would be for her at this time in her life and that she wanted no one else for the job, I felt honored, humbled...and more importantly, needed.   I had forgotten what it felt like to feel needed in a deep and spiritual way outside of these four walls of my home.  It gave me courage.

I told her I have a mushy mama brain.  She told me she does too.  So, we gathered our wits and our charms and wine and cheese and music and props and dress-up duds and hats and BRAVERY and we hiked up a weedy hill to see what would follow us in our surrender.

It started with sitting on a blanket, taking deep breaths and reminiscing about the journey of our relationship.  How when I was going through fertility stuff, she was having babies and how neither of us forced anything with one another at that time.  The mutual respect between Virgo sisters born just a few days apart has always lived between us.  There were a few tears.  Then we lightened up and tossed around dreams about our art.  Then we burned sage.  Then made a prayer to the heavens.  Then once the big black top hat went on her gorgeous head, the whole darn field was infused with magic.   I call it our Pleasure Field.   I felt a warmth surrounding us and our vulnerability gave way to some very raw and moving moments with one another, with ourselves, with Mother Earth and some singing coyotes.

The whole session shifted some things for both of us.  She wrote a bit about her thoughts on it here.  For me personally, it opened up a space in me that hasn't been explored in some time.  Sessions to me go so far beyond just capturing moments for my client.  Every single one of my sessions so far has been rooted in some sort of transformation for the artist I am photographing.  It is emotional and freeing and opening.  Not only for them but for me.  It has always felt like an even exchange of love and adoration.  And it never just happens within the few hours of shooting.  The transformation begins with the emails exchanged beforehand and then perhaps a long phone call and then right before the session when there are hands being held and long gazes and spilling and tears and then afterward...the emails sharing  how they feel changed and how I feel changed and the photos shared and oh man...they feel beautiful and whole and seen and I feel seen.  Its such an intense process and it is why I am not able to do this all the time.  I am so lead by my heart on the timing of sessions and I honestly let go and don't try to make any of this happen.  It is such a lesson in trust for me.  Its been hard to put into words for people why I don't offer myself as a photographer full time.  I am not even sure if I knew why exactly...until now.

Pixie asked me where my heart was now with my art after having this session.  I told her it felt like a veil is lifting and I am beginning to see and feel more clearly where I want to journey with this art of mine.

A previous client of mine wrote this to me recently...

Denise, you have no idea no idea all that followed from that cracking open-- I am so in my beauty.  My soul is so in me.  SO much is happening and it ALL. BEGAN. WITH. THAT. TRANSFORMATIVE. photo shoot.

I think I am learning that I may have a deeper purpose with my lens.  Its not easy for me to say that.  I am shyly putting it out to the world.  As most anyone who knows me intimately, knows I can be humble...to a fault.  Meaning, it is easier for me to let others shine than to allow my sparkles to glisten.  But after every session, I have received very similar sentiments and years into it, I am just now willing to embrace that there is something truly unique happening here and I promise you I am not at all thinking it is about me.  I feel strongly that it is a collaborative movement between spirits.  A movement that I want to tap more into to see where it can take me and other photographers.  Its a movement that isn't just about the images but the process and the journey.

Look at the peaceful calm on Pixie's face in those last few photos.  I look at those and cry every. single. time.  I want to bottle that cocoon of soft flowing self love and abandon and gently mist it all over our world and throughout the Universe.

We were one another's nurturer that day.  Then we ended with wine and food and feeling tipsy and giggling.  You can't end a day in a Pleasure Field without getting high.

prayers for marmie*

marmie & me... a few months ago

Dear prayer warriors, change makers, healing spirits and positive affirmational souls ~

I am calling on all of you to lift my marmie up in your thoughts and prayers.  She's been ill for a while now and her immune system is breaking down and on top of that, got salmonella poisoning last week and dropped an alarming amount of weight.  With all of her winter clothes and shoes on, she weighed a bit over one hundred pounds, which tells us that she is below 100.  It really hit me when we skyped yesterday and I asked her to "show me your bod" (so me) and when she lifted up her shirt I hid my gasp.  Bones.  Too many bones and at her gorgeous age, she needs to be protected and warmed by muscle and at least some fat.  I tried to be positive, as you know...that is my role in the family and told her she looked beautiful and "better than I thought" but truly, it was difficult to see.  Especially because I cannot be there to bring her my healing soup and help her around the house with her very spirited puppy-dups and my dear sweet father that needs special loving care for his diabetes and back issues.

I plan on fattening her up over the holidays and I know she's counting on it too.  ; )  Another role of mine in the family!  We are wrapping her up in love and hope and prayers and I wanted to invite you to do the same, if you are moved and inspired to.

If any of you have any ideas on healthy ways to put weight on when your tummy is extremely sensitive, that would be wonderful.  She reads this blog and is very invested  in and charmed by all of you who come to this space.  She's protective of me and celebrates the gentleness and kindness that gathers here.

I told her she first needs to get better before worrying about eating foods that will pack weight on but perhaps there are ways to do both at the same time.

Thank you, lovelies...teary gratitude.

ps. do you love my new word "affirmational?" yah...me too.  ; )  and isn't my marmie just beautiful?  love her so.

back to our roots*

me and my boho boys on the trolley yesterday

I am slowly surfacing, peeking my head into the online world after much needed cocooning with my wee family.  Boho Boy had a few days off of work which meant four full days of Cedar and me soaking him in.  During the four days, he chose not to touch a computer and work...which is HUGE for him.  I don't remember the last time he did this.  Perhaps last Christmas.  As a result of his hard work to help our move go more smoothly, his body has let him know in a big way that he needs to slow down.  He's been dealing with sinus and kidney issues and the information nerds that we are, have been on a quest to help heal his bod.

Part of the healing process is family time and quieting the mind.   It was so wonderful to see him reading again.  Curled up in the rocking chair and hungry for the pages.  "I want Cedar to see me reading", he said.  This is who he was when I met him.  I walked into his home for the first time years ago and there were books everywhere stacked by the sofa and chairs and on top of tables and near his bed and pouring out of the gigantic book shelf that took over one wall (we still have this).  I see us someday having our own sweet library in our home with huge cushy chairs and stacks of books and perhaps yummy arched book shelves built into the wall.   Ohhh...with a fireplace too.  One can dream.

He even did something he hasn't done in a long time.  He woke up earlier than me and went out to get our yerba mate ready.  When Cedar woke up, he tipped toed into our room and grabbed him so I could sleep.  Then about an hour later, he came in with a steaming mug of mate and told me to enjoy it alone in bed.  Since Cedar has been born, those quiet moments of my first morning cup are mostly non-existent.  When he left the bedroom and I was resting up against my plethora of pillows, I took a deep breath in and felt so grateful that he knows the little things I need and have been missing in my life...without me having to say anything.

We have recognized that our days have felt rough around here.  Years ago when we met for the first time, we connected over parts of our personalities that we feel not a lot of people understood or nurtured in their own life.  Neither one of us took the road expected.  Money was never a priority for us but living life by the heart was.  We were not workaholics.  Connecting, talking for hours all snuggled up was always enough for us.  Reading, dreaming, being outdoors.  Neither one of us are super energetic go-getters that spin from morning until night.  We're pretty laid back and very simple.  The last few years of spinning have felt unfamiliar to our bones.  Especially to his.  We honor all of it.  We honor why it needed to change.  We honor what it has taught us and where it has brought us and now we know we need to go back to our roots.  We are ready for a slower life.  A simpler existence.  Just recognizing that alone has brought us so much peace.

And Cedar.  Oh how many times we looked at one another the past four days with teary eyes expressing how blessed we are to have him as a son.  He truly is an amazing little dude.  The past few months have been full of so many emotions for him and of course for me because we are always together and so very connected.  Ever since birth, he has been very hyper aware of his environment.  The doctors noticed it in the hospital and people tell us this whenever they are with him.  So because of this, if you want to really engage with him, it is constant.  Being with him is both healing and challenging.  I've been really trying to honor my intuition in guiding him and comforted by a few friends of mine that have read books and taken courses on gentle parenting.  Every child is so, so different and I think this is why we as parents have to embrace the concept that not one thing works for every child.  So I try to balance my studying of techniques and guidance with listening to my own voice and most importantly, listening to Cedar's.  For someone like me, who is sensitive to all emotions in a room, it can feel exhausting.  But truly, its a good exhaustion.  I am madly in love with this exhaustion because I am madly in love with being a partner to Cedar on his journey.

Yesterday evening we were at a park.  It was 5:30pm and completely dark already.  The park was lit up by the moon and stars.  We were alone there...me, Cedar and Boho Boy.  Cedar was in the swing and I said..."soak it all in Cedar!" and immediately he threw his body back, taking in a deep breath while closing his eyes and when he opened them said "he-yoh  mooooo!" towards the moon.  I wasn't sure if he would even understand what I meant by "soak it in".  Of course he did.  And then I too lingered at the moon and the stars a bit longer.  Cedar too is guiding us back to our roots.

firm and fragile*

.A dear friend the other day, in a loving way, suggested that I get a thicker skin. I've been meditating on that and what a thick or thin skin means for me.

There are periods of time in my life when I feel more centered, more calm, a firm pillar for me, my family, my friends. Then there are times when I feel stripped raw and fragile and a bit anxious and in serious need of being protective of what surrounds me, what I allow in. But in all times, I am a tender soul. I am empathic. I feel most everything profoundly and deeply. I have had do a lot of soul work on being aware of what emotions are mine or of someone else near me, in the same room or walking by (or even virtually). My sweet husband would tell you that I have come so, so far in recognizing these emotions and how I am more able to establish boundaries that help me to be in touch with what is mine and not feel responsible for what isn't.

There are times when my skin is thicker, yes... but right now is not one of those times. My reserves feel low. We are going through a huge shift with our move to Washington around the corner. A lot of energy is going into preparing for it all. My husband is building his client base so that he will be able to quit his day job and support our family with his own business. This means working quite often around the clock and this also means less time for me to nourish my creative diva . Or what one of my friends calls my Creatrix.  It means less time for connecting with those that I love.  Every spare moment of Cedar's nap is spent cleaning and working and attempting to connect with others, yet not feeling present.  Two hours a day goes by so, so fast.  My poor email box is beyond full. I know I have disappointed many people that have reached out and I have been unable to give back the way I would like, or they need. I haven't even phoned my parents as much as I long to. This is crunch time. This is what my husband and I call it. It is temporary but necessary.

I think it is why I am having a difficult time putting what is going on with me in words. There are elements that are holding me back when I usually just let it flow, regardless of how it may be received by others. I find myself feeling protective of my heart. More sensitive to opinions or unsolicited (but well meaning) advice.  So, I've been coming to this space feeling stuck and I am hoping that by writing that I feel stuck, that I will somehow become unstuck.  I know that so much of where I am is a result of pouring what reserves I do have left into Cedar and this very powerful, emotional entry into boyhood for him and also my husband, who has been dealing with some health issues.  I don't have a lot left for me right now, let alone all of the people in my life that wrap me up with their unconditional, radical and uber forgiving love.

The thing is, I know what I need to do in order to feel centered and what type of self love I need and what types of food I should be eating and how much stretching and body movement I need but its the time that isn't there for me to do these things.  Its my energy that feels non-existent at the end of the day.  So, I told my dear friend the other day that I suppose I am in survival mode.  I am navigating what is in front of me.  What I can touch and feel and hold and let go of.

Our lives will be so renewed in June.  And when I say that, I don't have a lot of expectations.  The most simple changes will feel so abundant.  One being that we will live in a house with a yard on a street, with neighbors and children near us.  Right now we live on the 3rd floor in a building surrounded by college students or single seniors that are not super fond of children pounding on a wooden drum in a room full of thin walls.   Just that one shift in our living situation will be so, so massive in our hearts and for our nature-loving well beings.  Any blessings that come into our lives after that will be BONUS.

I already feel braver to share some big things moving around in my heart...just because I have written down here where I am at.  So, you'll probably see me around more.  I just needed to stretch my limbs a bit and take some deep breaths.  I needed to give myself permission to be in a space of thinner skin than usual and embrace my more fragile self gently.

So rather than run and hide, which is what would be so easy to do, I come here as I am.  Tough and Tender.  Firm and Fragile.