I'm upstairs in the loft while Cedar is napping. Me and the wide screen hanging out for a few minutes. I am drinking my second cup of yerba mate today. Creamed up with vanilla rice milk and agave nectar. Most of you know this is my drink. This is my morning nectar and today it is my afternoon nectar. A moment ago, I sat back in my chair, just gazing at the steam moving upwards passed the lip of the mug. The only sound I could hear was the hum of the baby monitor. The slight buzz of the ionizer inside where Cedar is sleeping.
I am in that realm of welcoming this space from him but also missing his enchanting spirit. I am also recognizing that he needs space too. Sometimes he loves to just hang out in his crib. Flipping through a book or playing with his stuffed puppy or standing up and holding onto the bars, dancing and making himself laugh. I remember my sister once telling me "babies need their space too...just like we do. don't be afraid to give it to him when you sense it." I hear her voice whispering those words a lot. Cedar does like his alone time. Its a beautiful thing to witness. This separateness that he is beginning to embrace. It makes those moments when he needs me that much sweeter. When he leans towards me to hold him or lifts his arms up for me to carry him or crawls over to me, stands up with the help of my knees and lays his head on my lap. Lately its a dance between really needing me and really craving independence. I thought this would be really hard for me, this shift...but I am finding myself resonating so much with him. I have always needed my alone time. That balance between needing touch and needing space. So I get it and respect it and marvel that he is so in touch with himself.
Last night Boho Boy and I were talking about all of these new shifts that are happening with him. How he's gaining confidence in his personality, his wit and his ability to commune with us. We are almost convinced he is going to be the funny dude. He spends much of his time trying to make us laugh. In this really intelligent, almost adult way. I am quite used to this, really. Boho Boy is so naturally witty. Within minutes of first meeting him, I was bent over in pure gut laughter. I've always told him he could have been a stand up comic or an actor of sorts. He always nods his head. He knows this but he has chosen to share his wit sparingly, surprisingly and at just the perfect moments, surrounded by people that are perhaps shocked by it. My mother would tell you I am really funny but I am not sure if a lot of people see me this way. Especially in this space. I think people assume I am always so serious and emotional and ever tender. Which, is true...but I do have a side to me that is comical. I suppose it is reserved for those moments when all is aligned and I am feeling secure and clear and damn tired of feeling blue. So, perhaps Cedar has picked up on this energy. The obvious energies and the ones in between. Or perhaps when he was a spirit baby floating around us before he came into this world, that he was the clown out of all the spirit babies and knew this was the house where we would let him shine and spread his wings and let loose and crack us up.
I am just really in love with him. Not just because he is my son and because his journey to us was just so fricken wild and whirly and life altering. I love him because he's really fun to be around. I enjoy his company. I want to be inside of his mind and his soul because there is just so, so much there...in his eyes, in his movement, in his pauses, his wide baby tooth smiles and in his serious, lingering gazes. I feel I have known his soul for lifetimes. Sometimes when I gaze in his eyes, it feels so familiar, like..."oh, hello again...its you." You know what I mean? There are few people in my life where this soul recognition has happened and he is one of them.
This morning I brought him into bed with me when he woke up. Daddy was in the shower, so it was just me and him. He sat up and immediately pointed to the firefly lights hung across our wall. "Yes, fireflies!" I said and then I asked..."Can we just cuddle a bit more?" I could tell he was in a joyful mood and wanted to get right to business out in our bright sunny living room. But after he saw the look on my face he plopped his whole body onto my chest and wiggled his nose into my neck and stroked my arm for a while. I held him close and took deep breaths, marinating in our limbs intertwined. Just when I was about to shed a tear, I felt his chubby finger reaching for my nostril. He then stuck it in slowly and I gasped and he lifted his head up and we looked at one another. He had a huge smile on his face and then giggled into my chest. And this was how we begun our day. Our separateness and togetherness.