me & cedar, taken with phone yesterday

I haven't had a moment to upload photos from my sister's visit yet. I finally got my "big camera" out while she was here (lately I feel it is collecting dust). I have much to share about our time together but I don't want to share it without a few delicious images. I promise soon. I have yet to learn now to balance a heavy baby on my hip, carrying a heavy diaper backpack AND a heavy camera everywhere we go. So these days, I just snap with my phone so that I can immediately send the images to family and friends via picture message. Although, I do want to make a conscious effort to try to lug my camera around with me because yesterday at the park, Cedar kept picking little flowers from the grass and handing them to me. What a precious photo that would have been.

I want to thank those of you that left such kind, gentle and warm words on my last post. I want to thank those of you that emailed me with your own stories...being that woman in the dark room with me, blinded, feeling around for the other hand of someone who has walked this same path. Those emails are a gift to me. It gives my journey purpose more than just the growth of my own soul but also others. Oh man, what a weepy girl I have been reading your words. I feel really blessed because I know every time I take the risk of spilling feelings that could be interpreted wrongly or perhaps trigger another on this journey, it seems I am still understood and received gently. That somehow, through the clumsiness, I am understood.

A few of my friends wrote to me with tender questions. One question of whether or not Boho Boy and I are trying to conceive again. Or adopt again. With those questions was the reassurance that if we were, that they would hold this hope gently and let me guide them on how much I want them to be a part of manifesting this dream. That a space on their alter would be set aside just for us. That their knees would hit the floor in prayer for us. I wasn't expecting this at all and it really wrapped me up in a feeling of being so protected and so not alone. This journey has brought such stellar women into my life. As I type this, I weep with such awe and love for them. Love love love.

Since they wrote me curious, I wondered how many of you were curious. So, I wanted to share with you where I am with that. No. Boho Boy and I are not trying to conceive right now and there is no active energy being put towards adoption. What is happening is that something is shifting. This is the first time I am really putting this into words. I am still in the process of figuring out what this all is. I am wondering if perhaps it is a primal thing. That once your first child approaches two years, that it is natural to want companionship for them. Sometimes I feel a spirit close. Sometimes I don't. What I am doing is just really marinating in Cedar and learning how to stay present and not have expectations of anything other than the three of us. I think so much of that is about the fact that I am not one of those women that can just say..."okay, lets make a baby, I want another child!". I am not programmed to think like this. For me, that would mean doctors visits and a mindset of prayer and manifestation and dreaming and energy all towards a new child in our life. It also represents possible disappointment and fear and sorrow and I just don't want Cedar to have to absorb any of that energy. He is such a sensitive flower child. When we are off emotionally, he feels it too and it shows.

So, I suppose I am in a space of trying to hold all of this gently. To not try to control any of it. To just trust...really trust that if there is still another spirit up there, floating around us, longing to be with us, that that spirit will come into our life in unexpected ways, just like Cedar did. This is the space I need to be in. I don't want to be in a space of trying. I just don't think I can...not again. So, perhaps this is why my last post was written. It is a space that feels extra raw and tender and at a time when Spring arrives and babies are made and flowers bloom and new life begins. It all feels closer than it usually does.

I also really want to envision just the three of us or moreso just put my energy into the three of us and not so much on the future or even on the past. Just the here and now. I am sure I will process more of this here in this space...like I always do.

I wanted to share this photo above because I just am so in love with Cedar's face here. This angel, sweet presence that he has shows so much here. The safeness he feels with me. The belonging. The wise soul that he is. I also chuckle because I see why everywhere I go, people think he is a girl. It must be his lashes. ; ) Or perhaps it is just his soft gaze.

I also wanted to share this photo because you can see my new lipstick my sister bought me while she was here! Its actually two lipsticks. Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in the color Walkyrie (used all over my lips, not as a liner) and Tarina Tarantino Conditioning Lips Sheen in the color Prong. This is a funny story. I was SO in the throws of PMS when she brought me into Sephora. Both of my sisters (and my nieces) are divine when it comes to make-up. They just know their colors and do it so beautifully and I have always felt clumsy and like a fish out of water in stores like Sephora. I just never felt pretty with a lot of make-up. Anyways, she let me know that most of the time, my lipstick dries and all you see is my liner and that my liner was darker than my lipstick and I was so surprised!!! I have always used Mac "spice" lip liner and Mac "cosmo" lipstick. For years and years but no one ever told me that my liner was darker. I don't have the best lighting in my home and we have just a few small mirrors. So, I suppose I never look. ; ) We laughed about it and she helped me find a new color. A color that might look a bit darker than my natural lip tint and help me not have to wear any other make-up. What's funny about this story is that I pulled her aside and cried right in the store!! My tears came from an insecurity that her and my other sister Pamela call one another up to make a plan to get me to wear more make-up. Last time Pamela was here, she bought $100 worth of make-up for me in Sephora. She asked one of the Sephora ladies to give me a make-over with foundation (i've never felt comfy with foundation but I did it out of love for my sis). I just had this vision of Pamela calling Darlene before she left to come out here and saying..."Dar, its your turn. Didn't work the first time!!!" So, I pulled Dar aside and asked "do you and Pam think I am ugly and need help??" with tears flowing and a lip pout. You really just had to laugh at the whole thing because it did seem like a conspiracy and Darlene agreed that she too would be suspicious if the tables were turned. She wiped my tears and reassured me that this is her passion and she just wants to share it with me but agrees that I don't need any make-up. Her and Pamela are not in cahoots. ; ) We hugged and she got me and I got her and arm in arm, we purchased my new lipstick with giggles. And you know what? I LOVE them and wear them every day. I like the darker lipstick, no make-up look. Momma did need a change and my sister could see this more than I could and it was such a yummy gift. Both of my sisters had sweet intentions and I am grateful for their love and caring. Darlene also got me this sparkly cream to wear over my moisturizer. It makes my skin feel luminous. This feels so much better to me than foundation. Wanted to share the love with you.