cedar today in a mood
I planned on doing this romantic vlog for you all today by the window...with the light shining in and some inspirational stories about this new Kind Diet (via Alicia Silverstone's book) I am on and how wonderful I feel on it.
Then cutting more molars happened in our house. Cedar has been off and not sleeping well and the nights have been long and catching up to me. And today, in the beginning of a tantrum, I picked him up and he threw his head back into my lips so very hard. SO very hard. I finally know what it feels like to be punched hard in the mouth. I felt my teeth dig into my bottom lip and the torn flesh from it moving to the tip of my tongue and the gushing of blood down my chin. I sat there stunned. Cedar turned around to look at me, stunned. His tantrum stopped and my crying started. I tried breathing deep to stop the tears, to remain calm and unaffected in his presence but I sat there staring at him with my hand over my mouth, blood dripping through my fingers and tears, huge tears quickly spilling down my cheeks. I was a bit in shock. He rocked back and forth shaking his head and I rubbed the back of his head with my free hand. He didn't know how to express his sorrow. I understood that. I was in this strange in between place of wanting to be angry at someone for doing this to me, yet knowing there is no one to be angry at, all the while falling more in love with my son for being so empathic. What a strange myriad of emotions to feel in one moment. I had to distract him with his guitar, take a step away from him and call my husband. My heart was racing and I just needed to talk it out, to cry it out.
I know my emotions so easily came to surface because of my exhaustion and because of my approaching moon cycle and because this is the first time I've been physically injured by someone I love, even if by accident. It still feels shocking. I don't remember the last time I cried from physical pain.
Many dear hearts told me this was to come. That parents will get bumps and bruises from tantrums or what have you. I suppose I never expected a bruised, fat lip.
He woke up from his nap today and we held one another longer than usual. I sat on the chair rocking him and he was limp, feeling totally safe in my arms. I rubbed his jaw and planned my trip to Whole Foods tonight to gather herbs to make chamomile popsicles for him tomorrow. I might have one too.
Motherhood is a trip.
Edited to add: By request, here is the recipe for the Calming Cooling Herb Pops, sent to me by the wonderful Latisha (she gets her herbs at Mountain Rose Herbs):
Calming Cooling Herb Pops
2 tablespoons chamomile
2 tablespoons catnip
2 tablespoons spearmint
1 teaspoon valerian
1 teaspoon stevia
Steep in a quart size jar for several hours or overnight if possible. In a large pitcher, mix in 1/2 jar of juice and 1/2 jar of water
Pour into freezer trays
Wait about 45 minutes (depending on freezer setting) then insert popsicle sticks
Freeze overnight
Simply chamomile will do if you don't have access to the other herbs. }