full to bursting.

cedar, 12.5 months

Today I woke up really feeling the season. I sat near the window sipping my hot yerba mate. The window was open a wee bit. I felt the chill. I watched a woman down below walking her dog, holding onto a coffee and was mesmerized by the steam coming from her cup. She crunched the red leaves with her boots (the ones you see above). She was bundled up. I think its finally Christmas in Southern California.

My boys were sleeping. I could hear Boho Boy's heaving breathing through the baby monitor. I glanced up at our Christmas tree and took a deep breath. This time last year we had a newborn. Cedar was one month old. Boho Boy's brother was in town from Canada and we stayed at a hotel near the beach. We were missing family and we thought the beach would make up for that longing. It did...just a little bit. A Christmas we'll never forget. Many hours of snuggling our wee little boy while listening to ocean waves rather than Christmas music. It was surreal. Boho Brother would come in after hours of long walks along the coast and bring us a bag of beautiful rocks and sea pretties.

This year a new tradition is beginning. My older sister Darlene and her husband just bought a farm on an orchard of almond trees in Northern California. On Christmas eve we are having a party at the farm. Finger foods and baked goods and wine and beer and so much togetherness. This will be the first party we've had in years. I am aching to see my grown up nieces and nephews (ages 16 - 27) and sit face to face and hear them. Truly find where they are in all places in their lives.

Christmas morning we will wake up at my parents house at the bottom of the Sierra Foothills and watch Cedar in his bliss, probably snuggled up to Callie-Lu...my parents snickerdoodle, I mean Golden Doodle doggie. Then again to the farm later that day for a more formal turkey dinner. Boho Boy will be barbecuing veggies. My sister Pamela is doing the yams with marshmallow goodness. My niece Angela is stir frying veggies. Darlene & Jay doing the turkey (brined for 24 hours beforehand). Boho Boy, his famous cranberry sauce with bourbon and my marmie is whipping up her delicious layered jello salad.

There will be walks down the orchard lane, all bundled up and arm and arm. Rides on the ATV with Cedar (either squealing or crying...we shall see if it is fun for him!). I am so stoked to see their new home. A home that Darlene said was "meant to gather her loved ones all in one place as much as possible".

Cedar is all everyone is talking about in anticipation for this time together. How this is the first Christmas they are spending with him and how he will be our entertainment and our joy. You can imagine how full my heart feels. It is full to bursting. Full to tears. They have been on this journey with us...every step of the way and because of this, Cedar holds such a remarkable place in their hearts.

We are leaving tomorrow morning and I am taking a blogging break until we arrive home in the New Year.

I wish each of you hearts full to bursting at this time. I wish you gentle flowing peace during the hard parts...as I know full well holidays can be so bitter sweet.

Happy holidays to the most warm, authentic, loving, moving, inspiring, radical, dear and gentle readers in the blog planet.

xo
The Bohos

cedar's 1st birthday cupcake.

Boho Boy grew up with a tradition in his house. Him and his brother would be woken up the morning of their birthdays with a cake and candles and a birthday song sung by his mom and dad. They would make a wish, blow out the candles and then run downstairs to open a few gifts before breakfast.

So, we decided to continue the tradition on Cedar's first birthday. Although, rather than in the morning, we would do it after his morning nap so that he could play with the cupcake. What ended up happening was pretty comical...but I had a feeling it would happen. Lately he's been very tender when he first wakes. He prefers whispers and to be held and rocked until the sleepy in his eyes melt and he becomes more conscious of the world around him. So, I told everyone to tip toe into the room and whisper the song. Me, Boho Boy and Omi did our best being gentle but he sat up in his crib, looking completely traumatized by the candle burning and us singing and he burst into tears. Poor dude. So mommy scooped him up and told everyone to stop singing and we just let him wake up as he was used to.

But as soon as he woke up and finished half of his bottle and flashed his adorable teeny tooth smile, it was time.

I captured it above. He had way more fun painting with the cupcake and flinging it in the air than eating it, of course.

I wanted to share this first with all of you. I also wanted to share how he and Boho Daddy always do Eskimo kisses. ; )

I am loving the idea of creating traditions for our wee family. I can remember growing up how our family traditions held so much security for me. Sometimes it was the calm in the storm. Some traditions we will carry on from our own families and some we will create all on our own (like the birthday fort). My dream is that Cedar can always count on these moments to be that safe space when he needs it.

I would love to hear some of your family traditions.

when you're in my heart...you're in my family.

We're cocooning a bit over here because Boho Boy and I have the sickies but this just brightened our day. Cedar loves the Laurie Berkner Band and this is one of our favorite songs. So cute...wanted to share. It always makes me teary and smile...all at once.

happy birthday omi

Cedar and I created this video ditty for Boho Boy's mother Birgit today (also known as Omi...pronounced Oomie...Grandma in German).

I promise a writing post soon. I've just realized that when I am tired and not feeling well, moving pictures are so much more simple to express what is going on in our home, our hearts these days!

For those of you that have sent such sweet supportive emails about our videos...THANK YOU...our family soaks up every morsel and we love sharing these moments with you.

I had this one cool reader of mine write to tell me that she was having a really tough day due to a grade for a nursing school exam not being what she expected. She shared that the videos of Cedar singing and us cuddling on the bed together warmed her from the inside out and shifted her perspective...easing her way into the rest of the day (thank you, R...). I am not sure if she truly understood how much this meant to me (although I told her but still...I wondered if she grasped it).

Its been hard feeling this way...not fully present in my body and mind and having a tough time expressing myself through words as a result. Writing is such a huge part of who I am and for that to not feel the same, well...you can imagine. So, of course some fears and insecurities have surfaced about me just sharing videos lately in this space and wondering if these moments in my life that I am sharing will have the same impact that my words do. Because what I put out into the world means something to me; my art, my words...and that need to know that somehow, somehow they will create positive change. Even if for one person. Its worth it and motivates and inspires me and humbles me to the core.

So that email was like a warm blanket of reassurance and so have the others been. Thank you...words are so powerful, both the kind and not so kind. Since I try to be a gentle and considerate communicator, I deeply appreciate and notice when others are as well.

tiny scenes from my parents house.

When at my parents house this week, I created these videos for Boho Boy because we were missing him so, so much while away. One of the tough things about his work schedule is that he can't take these trips with me all of the time and he might miss a milestone or two. BUT thank goodness for our Flip, text messages/videos, this blog and email to keep our family connected despite the distance.

I wanted to share the cuteness, though I feel I need to put in a little disclaimer for my marmie's sake. Their house was a bit disheveled because she had four guests staying the night in their small home plus an explosion of baby toys. I know she might want me to tell you that, although at the time none of us noticed the mess as we were simply enjoying being together. Now that I am sharing these bits with the world, she might notice it more. ; )

{sister darlene holding cedar}

cedar stoked at the airport, taken with phone

Cedar and I are back from our trip to go see my parents and sisters at the bottom of the Sierra Foothills in Northern Cali. This is why I have been absent. Oh how dreamy it was to be with my family, my people, my loves.

There was a huge glorious storm out there and internet and phone connections were in and out. I love storms. Perhaps because we don't get enough where we live in SoCal. My parents live on a few acres on the top of a big hill so they get most of the wind in their town. It howled and hissed and shook the house. We stood in awe looking out the window at how far their trees could bend without breaking (although sadly enough they did lose one tree and some branches off of others). It was Cedar's first storm and rather than being frightened at the noise and movement, he was thrilled and then slept soundly. He was about as thrilled as he was in the photo above that I took at the airport when we first got there. The airport intrigued him and he sat there flapping his arms like a bird while people watching.

Traveling alone left me feeling a wee vulnerable but I was simply amazed at how gracious everyone was. I had Cedar in a sling on my hip (FINALLY found one that fit for both of us) but still had other bags to carry, so taking all the liquids out of my bag and my shoes off were a bit of a challenge but kind strangers around me offered their help. It might be because Cedar has a way of flirting and drawing the ladies in with his batting eyes. Seriously though, he is starting to do this bashful twist of his head and eye batting. I promise he didn't learn it from me. Hmmm...or did he? ; )

While with my family, Cedar started mimicking, pointing, clapping when hearing the word "patty cake". He also started grabbing faces and pulling them towards his lips to kiss them passionately. When he did this to my sister she turned red and fanned her face saying "I haven't been kissed like that in years, what a lover!" We giggled. We marveled at how snuggly he is. He scoots into people and buries his face in wherever he can while stroking with his hands, then looks up waiting for a reaction with a huge smile. I just beam watching his personality come through and am marinating in this precious precious time. Sharing it with family...all who are such a close extension of me, just made my heart sing this week.

This is the first adoption in our family and it warms my soul at how very open and embracing each of them have been. It is so clear that he is not only so much ours but so much theirs and how his goofy, passionately loving personality fits our family like a glove. We just sit around him on the floor swelling with gratefulness and awe at how much he has brought healing to us as a family. Acknowledging how he teaches each of us how to love with more abandon and sit more patiently through the hours spent together.

While on the flight home today, he laid his hand on the arm of the woman sitting next to me and gave her a wide-eyed, genuinely caring smile. I noticed she didn't speak English but she stroked his arm back with misty eyes...a Universal expression of feeling seen and accepted and loved. These moments he gifts to me are shifting my heart in ways I am still trying to find the words for.

i carry my family in my heart.

angela & cedar, taken with phone yesterday

I know I've been a wee quiet. Been cocooning a bit. Really soaking in each moment with Cedar. He's been a bit under the weather.

Seeing Nie on Oprah had a huge impact on me. I too wish that I could sit on a comfy couch with her and let her know that her story has changed my humble little life. That when I saw that she couldn't hold her two boys after giving them a bath (because it must hurt too much to wrap her arms around them), I held Cedar most of the day. When I think of all she has to endure, I remember to not take the sweet, small things for granted.

Boho Boy and I watched it together and we were teary and after it was finished we held one another. He said "I too would break my back and walk through fire to save you..." (referencing Christian's efforts to save Stephanie after the plane crash). It was sweet and romantic and I believe him. He would be my Knight.

Stephanie is a radiant, beautiful being...both before and after the accident a year ago. I will never forget the glow in her eyes when she sat on Oprah's couch and told her and the world that we all have this incredible strength within us to endure what it is that is put in our path. Perhaps that is her message now, her purpose among so many others having survived that plane crash. I even tear up as I type this.

She talked about how she had a vision when she was in her three month medically induced coma. A being came to her and gave her a choice. "You can have this life (with your family) and it will be hard and at times embarrassing or you can have this other life, where there is also much for you to do." She said when thinking of her husband and children, the choice was easy. She chose the hard life.

My niece Angela (above) is in town and sitting in her presence yesterday I felt overwhelmed with such love for my family. I get to be with them next week. Flying there with Cedar to cuddle up. My father had back surgery and I've been aching to be there. My older sister Darlene and her husband just bought a huge farm, with an orchard and it is dreamy. We get to spend Christmas there. Angela and I were talking about all the white lights we could hang in the orchard. A little Winter Wonderland (sans the snow unfortunately). I felt incredibly blessed that I get to share this with Cedar. My huge yummy family just drinking him in.

I know these are all random thoughts but this is where my heart is this morning. My boys are still sleeping, the sun is slowly rising, the cool breeze is drifting through the windows tickling by skin, my yerba mate is steeping, my dreads dripping from my shower, my soul is full and grateful with thoughts of how much I carry my family in my heart.

I am also thinking of Nie and the gift her story is in my life and I know I would make the same choice she did.

for angela, for you...

lay and listen and be.

{lisa field-elliot, canon 50d}

I thank you from down deep for all of your well wishes, thoughts, affirmations, prayers, intentions for my family and all they are going through. My family thanks you too. They read my blog. They read the comments and have gotten to know many of you through your shared stories. I adore and am grateful for the healing that can transpire in the blog universe from one heart planet to another.

I was thinking a lot about my family yesterday and how I am really learning to not take the special relationships we have for granted. I think for years it was just what I always knew and perhaps expected. Then something tragic happened and I realized these precious people that I assumed may always be there in body throughout my life, may not be and goodness...I better tell them every single morsel of why I love them so. Better than tell them...but show them, which is truly the language of love.

So, I am trying to be better at showing them. I know I fumble and make mistakes but the important thing is they know my heart, my intention and that is that I love them and need them in my life.

On another note...look how gorgeous and at peace Lisa is in the photo above. Something I like to do with my clients is lay them down on mother earth. When I do this depends on when I feel my client needs to take a deep breath or hush some negative gremlins or just rest their bones and listen to the heart beat of the earth. Sometimes it is in the beginning. Some the middle or at the end but it most always gives me results like this. A moment when they feel absolute calm within and all around them.

A gentle reminder that if we feel all tied up in knots inside...find a spot on the ground outside to lay and listen. This is when we stop trying and start being.

thoughts & prayers.

{cedar, rocklovepeace baby photo shoot, canon 50d}

dear healing readers ~
its been a bit of a rough-ish week for our family and i am reaching out to you for your thoughts and prayers.

my father had back surgery to remove a cyst as well as have a rod implanted in his spine and screws at his tailbone. he has suffered back and leg pain for years and we are hoping this is his ticket to a pain free life. he is in recovery and very uncomfortable (ouchie rod and staples) and my sweet mother is doing her best to care for him now that he is back home. but...she injured her shoulder (scapula to be exact) doing work on their yard and too is in a lot of pain (arm/chest area) and trying to tough her way through it to care for my father. i had to practically beg her to go to the doctors because she was in a selfless frame of mind.

my older sister darlene is having one of the toughest summer's in 10 years in regards to her lupus. she spends many days on the couch, in deep muscle and joint pain and doing her most awesome best to not go to the dark places in her mind. she is constantly sending me positive text messages about cedar and the photos i send and it blows my mind that she can even think about others when she feels the way she does. i am always learning from her resilience and tolerance. when talking with her on the phone today it really hit me hard how long she has been sick this year. this is when i feel our physical distance the most. when i can't pop over to help my family when they are in need.

then there is sweet cedar. he is having tummy issues and teething stuff all at once. yesterday it was all about projectile puke down my body. we're just learning which foods he can and cannot digest and it seems the only foods that are gentle on his sensitive tummy are pureed sweet potatoes, pears and prunes. when we try new things, even just a little, his belly is a huge ball of air for a few days. poor sweet dude.

and then there is me. i am experiencing some weird deep piercing pains on one of my ovaries, which i know are from my endometriomas (blood filled cysts). today i could barely sit up straight. i am calling my gyno tomorrow but i know what she'll say "take out all your endo! go on birth control! take hormones!". yet it was the hormones i took for fertility stuff that put me here. my body just does not respond to hormones well. my last surgery didn't do much and i am now going to have to get serious about the natural way of healing my reproductive lovelies. i have three natural healing books on endo that i have yet to fully read. time to stop procrastinating because the bad months are getting closer together and now that i am caring for a wee being, i can't lay on the couch and chill.

aren't you glad you popped over here this morning?

i suppose i am sharing all this to ask for some positive affirmations and prayers...especially for my dear daddy, marmie and sis. as we are all a bit tired and worn and are learning that it is okay to ask for help sometimes.

tonight i made spice cake muffins. i never bake. growing up with Celiac gave me an aversion to baked goods because they tasted awful without gluten. nowadays its so much more creative and tasty for us folks. so, i baked. i suppose i had a hankering to cheer up our home in light of this heavy week. the smell of cinnamon and nutmeg floating in the air has to be one of the best heart medicines. i think i might bake more often. now i get what all the fuss is about. it was glorious to watch my husband's blissed out face while eating it hot out of the oven with butter dripping. also fun to sit on the floor while stirring up the ingredients and cedar sitting near me with his eyes glued to the bowl and his mouth open in awe. i imagined all the years ahead with us baking together in the kitchen. i smile as i write this recognizing that having a baby has brought to surface a more domestic me. must. find. cute. aprons.

and ohmygosh look at cedar's face in the photo above. is he not the poster boy for "please pray for me and my family?" ; )

*****************************
Winner of gorgeous Bella Wish necklace is...

# 130...Kathleen* that said...

what a lovely collaboration!

the idea of women inspiring other women makes my heart full. and the end result: putting that power, peace and encouragement into the universe.lucky are all the women who are touched by your blog and your tribe. xo

*send me an email, sweet kathleen...at denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com