beachy night*

the bohos on the beach at night, taken with palm pre phone, august break #28

After dinner, we decided to take a drive to the beach so Cedar could walk/run/skip/jump off some of his energy.  It was really beautiful.  A bit foggy and lit up from the gorgeous resort that lined the sand.  The playground facing the ocean was a mysterious place for the older kids to be in the dark.  Cedar was so totally brave.  After the slide and swinging him a bit we walked through the sand to the shore together.  Cedar was up top on daddy's shoulders and I lifted up my hemp pants.  We walked closer to the shallow waters while the small waves crashed over our feet.  In the dark.  There is something so sexy about the beach at night.  Boho Boy and I were suddenly filled with this childlike joy.  Feeling gratefulness that we live in such a beautiful place but also aware of a knowing that we are ready to venture out to different shores soon.  I felt like last night we were paying homage to our time here.  We could see the cliff in the distance where we stood and made our vows in 2004 on our wedding day. It was such a surreal moment.

We live inland and sometimes we can get so wrapped up into our worlds that we don't take the time to go to the beach.  Its only a few freeways away...a 20 minute drive, if that.  We talked about visiting the beach after dinner once a week until we move.  It shifts things.  There is magic in those waters and the moon goddess reflecting her curves in the water. I've been in such a place of longing to create a home elsewhere and I think this is one way to keep me in a space of gratefulness for what surrounds me...even if it doesn't feel like home to me.

I had Boho Boy snap a photo of us to document this moment.  First time using the flash on my phone (I never use flash...ever ever).  Its not the most fantastic photo of us but I still love it.  We need more family photos taken.  Perhaps I can get creative with the timer.

I wanted to thank you for your Brave Stories in my previous post.  I have been brought to tears and so humbly honored that some of you shared such sacred, private moments with me and my readers.  I know it is so very freeing, releasing those moments out into the world and celebrating your bravery.

{not sure if any of you know this but i am supposed to be wearing glasses all the time.  i lost them a while ago and got lazy about bringing myself to the eye doctor.  i finally found my specs, yet it was still hard to remember putting them on.  i suppose i got used to seeing a world that wasn't super sharp and clear.  but last night i remembered and boho boy told me a handful of times how sexy i looked so that's all it takes!!!!  OKAY.  i'll wear them now.  *wink*}

Anne of Green Gables-ish*

cedar, uncle jj, marmie, daddy & auntie dd, canon 50d ~ august break #25

On my parent's 50th Anniversary, we went for a long walk in my sister's almond orchard. Both Darlene and her husband Jay were walking us through the life of an almond and the process of nurturing and getting them ready for picking. I walked behind all of them the whole time with my Big Camera. It gave me an opportunity to see them together in a line, side by side, stepping in unison...while Cedar ran in and out of their legs and squatted down to pick something up and throw it and then get up again. It felt a bit Anne of Green Gables-ish...and I soaked in every moment, knowing many of us are unable to experience moments like these with our family.

My heart ached to give a life like this to Cedar. To wake up every morning like we did while there last week when everyone was still sleeping and walk through these glorious trees together...just him and me. I had a warm steamy mug in my hand and he pulled his wagon with stuffed animals down lane after lane. The air was still crisp and our pajamas were getting dusty and the birds were serenading us. Oh how I could get used to seeing his glee and connection to mother nature. His cheeks were rosy and he slept deep during his naps and at night.

Boho Boy grew up like this in Canada...around acres of land and a magical faerie forest of all types of trees with a bridge to a river. I know it is interwoven into his soul and he so badly wants this for Cedar. So, we have plans and coming home from this trip our plans will unfold sooner rather than later. Our goal is to move either after the holidays or no later than before summer begins. The Pacific Northwest is calling us and at first we will live either downtown or closer to the city...for a year, to get to know folks, be a bit social and get acquainted with our surroundings. Then we hope to move to the country somewhere, somehow...perhaps be the home where all our family and friends come for nurture, expression and love. With all of this said, I am doing my best to let go of any of these expectations and live in the moment where I am here. To find places and ways for Cedar to roam and express himself and release the pent up energies that toddlers hold inside. Our third floor little loft home in the city is not really conducive to this, so mommy needs to get creative.

So my practice this week is to take deep breaths and be present in the moment and trust.

I was unable to get to yesterday's August Break photo, so here it is: Grandmarmie, Vu Vu & Cedar sitting on the window bench my daddy made for my sister. He does such beautiful work!

august break #24

froggie pack*

cedar and his new froggie pack from auntie dd,  taken with palm pre phone (august break #23)

meeting daddy at our home airport, taken with palm pre phone

My sister got a pass to help me through security at the airport today. I need help because Cedar has suddenly become SO active and isn't a fan of sitting still in wide open spaces. : ) So holding onto him while taking off my shoes, his shoes, my backpack, his backpack and pulling out all the liquids is so totally impossible when he wants to run off. This is why we use the monkey backpack leash. I know people have opinions about it and I can have compassion for their aversion to it but oh my gosh, what would I do without it? He would run off in an instant and I would lose him and be a total mommy wreck. Besides, the idea of a monkey hugging him brings him massive amounts of delight. At this stage, it has saved our lives and sanity, since I travel alone with him a lot. I do wonder if those people that have opinions about these leash backpacks have had a very active toddler that won't let you carry them in slings or packs, hold them, hold your hand or sit in a stroller while in crowded spaces. Bless the hearts of anyone that can handle it better than I can.

So, after Darlene and I got through all the liquid testing and padding down of security, we saw these adorable stuffed animal fuzzy backpack rolly thingies in the window of one of the airport shops. So, of course Auntie DD had to go check them out and Cedar immediately started pulling one of them around the shop. He's all about pulling wagons with stuffed animals inside, so a stuffed animal he can pull was absolute bliss.

He proudly walked around the airport with his new froggie pack and monkey on his back. Everyone laughed and smiled and while getting on the airplane, Cedar kept stopping and pointing to his new froggie pack, showing all the folks in the aisle seats. It was awesome.  Thank you, Auntie DD...score!!!

The moment he saw daddy coming towards him when we arrived at our home airport, rather than hug him, he pointed to his new froggie pack to show it off.  It was hilarious and so fun to see Boho Boy totally get the excitement about it.

Here is a video of Cedar pretending to talk on the phone on our iPod Touch, while mid-flight home:

wrapped up*

my sister darlene walking in her orchard, canon 50d ~ august break #22

 Just like the almond trees in your orchard wrap you up in comfort and love, you wrap me and Cedar up.  We feel so safe, understood and purely loved in your presence.

50th Anniversary.

50 years, canon 50d ~ august break #20

my marmie & daddy, canon 50d

In 1960 a beautiful red-headed French Canadian woman married a dark and handsome Portuguese man. That is when the story of our family began.

My throat felt a lump when I was taking these photos today. They are still so in love and were acting like giddy young kids all crushed out. I am so inspired. Look at them! Just writing this I feel teary.

This type of love and commitment is so real. Its not easy. It has hills and valleys and bumps and flatness and waves and highs and bliss. Their layers of love runs so deep and my faith in romantic love has always been so solid because of this. No matter how hurt or disillusioned I felt at times in the past, I never gave up on the idea that love like this could last.

I love you marmie and daddy. You are the perfect parents for us. We celebrate your love story today.

50 years!!!  Oh my goodness...

jess & her family*

jess, josh, asher & journey, canon 50d ~ august break #16

visit to the farm*

cedar in the almond orchard

For a good portion of his life, my sister's husband has dreamed of living on a farm. Knowing my sister, I am not sure if this is what she had always envisioned as where she may grow old with her lovemate. I believe she had in mind a Victorian house on a cliff near the sea...just like many of the romance novels she read. Yet, seeing her dig her hands into Mother Earth and walk up and down her orchard of almond trees, whispering to them...I truly cannot see her anywhere else. She has found her home within her husband's dream and has made it her own dream too. It has been so long since I've seen her so rosy cheeked and deeply connected to nature.  It is pure delight to see him shed his perfectly pressed suit and tie and dig his soles and hands into his dream, with a straw hat and gloves.  Farmer Boy.

There is so much magic in their orchard. It is indeed a home to many faeries and gnomes and the sweet imp that my son is, he brought them all out to play. ; )

Cedar and I would take a walk through the trees in the early morning while Auntie DD was still sleeping. The air was crisp. The wind singing softly through the leaves. The birds melodies and the cow  moo's from farm's near was such a delicious symphony for our ears. We walked hand in hand.  We picked flowers and smelled them.  We crouched down low to watch bugs crawl.  We counted clover leaves.  We stroked our fingers across the bumpy trunks of trees and brushed our faces against their low hanging branches full of leaves.

There has been some emotional upheaval within our family and being together was so very healing. It was simple. And gentle. Moving from moment to moment without plans. Breathing deep. Spilling deep. Holding. Snuggling. Quiet stillness. Mindfulness.  Kindness.  There is something about the country that draws you into slowing down. I forgot about phones and laptops and facebook and blogs and twitter. It brought me nearer to my heart and closer to being present with my surroundings.

Before bedtime, when I would usually be caught up in the routine of bathtime, reading, bottle, bed...we would be sitting out on the porch, watching their three dogs roam around the grass and gravel, singing "twinkle, twinkle little star" in unison while pointing at the massive amounts of sparkles in the clear sky. Sitting on our laps, Cedar watched the sun go down and felt the slight chill come in and the fresh country air made him weary. 

My parents were able to spend some time with us there.  They are rearing a new puppy, so it wasn't easy to pull them away from the routine that puppies need.  They brought Meadow and she was precious.  Sweet tiny fluffy little licking love muffin.  All she wanted to do was smother us in kisses and paws.  My daddy and I took her on a walk in the orchard.  She thought she was in puppy heaven.  Cedar couldn't decide whether he wanted to melt into her or run away.  He so needs a puppy.  Soon, soon.  This is the healthiest I have seen my father in a long time.  His bad back and diabetes has taken such a hard toll on his body and soul.  His circulation is not flowing well in his feet and legs and sometimes fingers.  But in the orchard he was walking stronger than usual.  Perhaps it was the fresh country air or that Meadow is bringing out the youth in him. It just brought me comfort.  Marmie got down on her hands and knees to draw and color with Cedar inside. She was so proud of her creation.  I told her she won the gold star for the day.  I think she needs to color more often.  She always said she wasn't very creative.  I never believed her.  She's created so much beauty around her.

I felt surrounded by love.  I felt safe.  I felt so excited to share Cedar.  Sometimes I wonder, since my sister and parents come from two different generations, if they will observe my parenting and think I am nuts for not being conventional.  But what I ended up feeling was so very strong. I notice those moments when they probably want to give me advice but rather they let go and let me step into my own intuition and knowingness.  There is so much space for me to explore and marinate, to seek and feel secure in my relationship with my son.  It means everything to me.  I know that is rare and I do not take it for granted.

I miss the farm.  I still feel it in my bones.  What I miss most is the late night spillings with my sister that ended up in tear soaked embraces. We both feel very seen and heard.  Together we are learning how to make healthy choices for our lives and in our relationships which is allowing more space for cultivating kindness, gentleness and respect with one another.  Some of this is heart wrenching...to resist old patterns of behavior and thought but yet so full of truth speaking and raw-naked-nothing-to-hide-love.  Its a process but one I am reveling in with my family.

Here are a few images of our time there...

cedar handing me a flower to smell

kindred spirits.

loving my sister's mirror and loving how cedar loves himself in his reflection

good morning farm!

peering down to watch a butterfly.  i think cedar wants wings too.

auntie dd playing cars with cedar

cedar's post nap bottle.  i am usually snuggling with him but had to take the photo. yes, he still 
drinks at an angle for his GERD.

uncle jj reading to cedar

auntie dd reading "i love you, stinky face"

how you cool off at the farm

popsicles in a cool bath...another cure for a hot day at the farm

grandmarmie coloring with cedar {wish this came out more clear}

at the airport heading home.  love his monkey backpack.

we are so sad to leave...but missing Boho Boy deeply.

my father*

photos from my wedding in 2004, by robin nations

I've been waiting for a special time to talk about my father...just him. Today I've walked around my house and it seems my every thought is about him. Times we shared together. Things we feel and have said to one another or haven't said but wanted to. I am writing this with a lump in my throat and warm tears forming. I think these tears carry so much. My love for him is deep and wide and I wonder if he truly knows this. I think he does.

He was never a man of many words. Growing up, he was mostly a man of funny sounds or jokes to make his three girls laugh. I am not sure if he knew quite what to do with the overwhelming amount of estrogen in our home. He just made it fun, I suppose. He never made us feel he wanted a boy. He was happy and proud of his girls. I just think when we all sat around gabbing and giggling, he was secure enough to sit there quietly and drink us all in. He never felt he needed to be the life of our party or compete with our energies. He quietly let us shine with an enormous smile underneath his brown high cheek bones.

When my father did speak, we listened intently. We soaked it in like water to a sponge. His words were few but selectively wise and clear if we needed advice. I think I inherited this from him. I remember once my boss explaining to a sea of corporate dudes during a meeting when I was asked my opinion..."Denise doesn't say much but when she does, we need to listen." I am proud to carry that gift he gave to me.

There are many memories I have of him that are dear to my heart. I will share a few that I hope give you a wee glimpse into the man that he is.

There was a time when my father would go on nightly walks around our neighborhood and I would join him. Sometimes we each would have our earphones in with different music. Sometimes we would walk in silence because we didn't feel the need to fill the space with words. Sometimes we would chatter about everything and nothing. But he always made sure he walked closest to the street on the sidewalk. I never really thought much of why he wanted to do this until I finally asked after walking with him for weeks. He said; "Because if a car were to hit us, they would hit me first." I remember quietly taking this in, watching my feet on the pavement and holding back tears. I felt so safe with him.

Every summer we would camp as a family at San Mateo Memorial Park. Being surrounded by tall redwood trees and the smell of camp fire was my father's bliss (and mine too). Many times we would go on a hike alone. It was something I looked forward to every year...the adventures we'd go on together in the woods. One time, he slipped and fell quite a few feet down a cliff. I screamed for him and panicked and while he was the one scraped and bruised and trying to climb up to safety, it was him who tried to calm me. I grabbed his hand and lifted him up with all of my might. I remember a flash of what it would be like to lose him. I hugged him tight and we moved forward, perhaps him not wanting to disappoint me by turning back. It is that hike that lingers clear in my mind the most. The hike that made me realize he may not always be here and to not take any of those moments for granted.

Then there was the time I moved to Texas to be near my best friend and explore living in a place so totally different than what I was used to. He wasn't keen on my going because he wanted me near but he supported me. So much so that he offered to drive me there. It was an amazing road trip: California to Texas...him and me, windows down, hot wind blowing through the truck, a mixed tape I had made. Little did I know that hotel after hotel, he would wait until I was sleeping to keep a journal. He kept every receipt (gas, food, snacks, gifts) and taped them in the journal and wrote what we did that day. He also explored his feelings about losing me to this massive State of Texas but it was one thing he wrote that will stay with me forever: "We had been driving too long without stopping and I grew tired. You were sleeping and my eyes were heavy and trying hard to stay awake. The next thing I knew I was swerving to the next lane when my eyes opened and my heart raced. I was determined to stay awake and take care of my precious cargo." He gave this journal to me when he said goodbye before driving back to California by himself. It made me weep. Both the idea of him being alone on the drive and that he would make such a beautiful journal for me while I slept.

Oh daddy...there are so many deeper sides of you that people do not see. But I always have. I have felt connected to you in this way as long as I can remember. Even in my toddler years when I stood up on a chair and you let me play with your thick black curls on your head. I knew you then. You've been intimidating to some, a mystery to others and a bright smile and goofy spirit that lights up a room...but to me, you are all of those things and so much more. I see you.

I am so proud to be your daughter (and look like you) and I hope to carry the gifts you have given me to my child, the way you did for me.

I will always let you call me Booch. ; )

Happy Father's Day.

p.s. my sister Darlene's tribute to our father here.

reconnecting.

cedar drumming on blue, almost 19 months

My niece left yesterday. The house feels quiet. Having her here was dreamy. We spilled for hours from the deepest parts of ourselves. Cedar was so totally crushed out. I think one of the most dreamy moments was her and I cuddling on the couch watching So You Think You Can Dance and her running her fingers through my dreads, down my neck and gently scratching my back while my head was on a pillow, resting on her lap. I don't remember the last time this was done for me. Boho Boy is a wonderful cuddler but not really a back scratcher. Neither am I but Angela inspired me to do this for those I love. She shared with me that she does this with her girlfriends and her boyfriend. She has such a giving heart. It felt intimate and soft and I melted into her while she did it for a full hour. This was my favorite moment. We ate delicious vegan meals and shared recipes. I feel so full of excitement for her adventure in Thailand approaching and so giddy that she found a life partner to share these experiences with.

angela & cedar, taken with phone

This morning I met with an old friend I worked with at the Gap in Northern California. Did you guys know I worked there? Yes. For five years. Both the Gap and Banana Republic. Boho Trivia! Her name is Jen and she was the visual coordinator there. I always admired her for her artsy ways and her wit and beauty. We also shared a passion for Deaf culture and sign language and went to school for this together. The best part of this relationship was that we were friends for a year before we discovered we were related. Her Aunt walked into the Gap while we were both greeters but she was not only her aunt, she was my sister's grandmother thru her marriage. It was awesome.

Today we snuggled under an umbrella outside of Java Mama with her preteen boys and Cedar. He is in a tender space right now while he is teething again but they were so gentle and determined to befriend Cedar. Within an hour, they were all on the ground, helping Cedar draw on a magazine.

tender bean today at the java mama playground outside

Oh, speaking of...new passion of his. Cedar drawing. He wants to do it all day long. With crayons or pens. He actually stays on the paper and is so precise. Jen was blown away.

Anyways, so neat to connect with an old friend and be reminded that she witnessed the first time I ever got sick from alcohol when the Gappers took me out for my 21st birthday. I was a good little Christian girl that didn't party. They were determined to get me drunk. It worked.

Now she sits across from me years later, as a glowy, soft, warm and gentle mother-spirit that is beginning a journey eating Vegan. I marvel at how life and friendships ebb and flow and journey off and come back again to find even though I have evolved into a completely different spirit, so has she and we connected on another level.

Have a weekend full of sweet, breezy moments of breathing deep and letting it flow and reconnecting with a sweet part of your past.

jen, her boys & cedar at java mama

thailand bound*

angela {my big sis darlene's daughter}, canon 50d

My niece will be here in a few hours. She'll be sinking into the Boho home for a week before she ventures off to Thailand with her lovely boyfriend. She's going there to get me some pretty things explore and connect and deepen and bond with her man and her surroundings.

I am excited to send her off with a full belly and a light heart. She too is a foodie and is on a conscious journey of her mind, body, soul. I admire her commitment to Bikram Yoga, which she has done 3 - 4 times a week for a few years now. She rocks my world!

We look forward to playing in the kitchen together. I love that she shares my passion for whole, healthy and YUMMY food. We are so not about depriving ourselves of food tasting so good that our taste buds explode.

Most of her life, Angela has been told "you look so much like your aunt Denise"..."you ARE so much like your aunt", la la la...and part of me felt so darn proud of that (because ummmm...she's WAY more beautiful and cool) but another part of me wanted her to find her own spirit and way of being. To not feel like she is growing up in my shadow. I write this with tears so in awe of who she has become. She is indeed her OWN person, leaving the valley, setting up camp in San Francisco and dancing to the beat of her own drum. We are still kindreds and share many interests and have similar mannerisms but we are different people, blossoming from different experiences, learning from one another, walking side by side. No shadows. Just light.

Since I became her aunt when I was 12 years old, we pretty much have grown up together...and I consider her a dear friend in my circle of goddess sisters that help me evolve deeper into the woman I want to be.

All of my nieces and nephews are yummy and teach me. Blessed, I am.

{angela & her boyfriend at a wedding...isn't he fab?}

puppy name help?

cedar and his marmie doggie...snuggle up to amber kitty

My parents are getting a companion for their Golden Doodle, Callie Lu in a few weeks. Although this one is going to be a miniature Golden Doodle. It will be a girl and we are all thrilled. Especially Cedar, because he loves dogs of all types (especially his marmie doggie & puppy stuffed animals).

I am writing this to dip into your creative minds. We are trying to think of a name for this new little member of the family. She's already born and will be flying home to my parents in a few weeks.

They're thinking something hippie-earthy or something French (my mother is French). Can you help with a name for a female puppy-dup?

auntie dd.

my big sis darlene & cedar, happy together ~ canon 50d

My sister Darlene acquired the nick-name "Auntie DD" when it just rolled off of Boho Boy's tongue during Cedar's first days of life. "Do you want Auntie DD to hold you?" His inspiration deeply touched my sister (and me too) and it stuck and it still gives me butterflies to hear it (and her too).

Dar came to visit a few weeks ago. A visit that was a bit spontaneous and so needed for both of us. She is so very drawn to Cedar and his spirit. She truly sees him and gets him and all of his quirks and I am often almost brought to tears at how sweet their connection is. It had been a few months since she had been with him and she wondered if he would remember her. Both Boho Boy and I, along with Cedar picked her up at the airport. When Cedar saw her walking towards him, he suddenly had a huge smile on his face and his whole body was infused with joy and they did this cute thing where they held eye contact for a while up close. Gazing, like lost lovers. Then he did something that is totally their thing. He pointed at her. She was the first person that he ever pointed at months ago and Darlene said to me back then..."that is him saying I love YOU." And she was right. That is what it means for him when he points at people but he doesn't do it to just anyone...and he always does it to her. He did the same thing when he first saw her at Christmas. He pointed at her face when they greeted while she held him and she started crying and then I started crying and my niece Angela did and it was just a YUMMY moment to the core.

Having her here was not only healing for Cedar but for me too. I am at a time in my life where I am going through a lot of shifts emotionally. She provided a safe space for me to try to make sense of it all as it spilled by helping me feel heard and validated. She wrapped me up with tenderness during my dramatic PMS moments. No judgment or rolling of eyes but a soft hand brush on the knee and a nod of compassionate understanding and a warm embrace and gentle wisdom guiding me back to my inner voice.

I remember when I was young with a broken heart from my first love, laying on her chest crying, soaking her blouse and then facing one another on pillows while she stroked my hair telling me "this too shall pass...but it sure sucks right now". She's always been able to meet me where I was and not try to brush the hard parts under the rug. She somehow magically shares her wisdom as my big sister while still empowering me as a grown woman with a mind of my own. She embraces the ways I am unique without trying to influence me to think or feel the way she does. I think that is a gift she has always carried with her. A gift to provide love and shelter and guidance while empowering and teaching and readying you for flight.

I suppose its her belief in me that gives me courage to remember my own strength. I am blessed to have her as a sister and a friend and now an aunt to my son that is a smitten kitten around her.

Darlene shared her thoughts on Cedar here, here, here and here. These all made me laugh out loud and I feel like she said it better than I ever could.

In mid-April, Cedar and I are going to Northern Cali to be with my dear parents and my other yummy sister:: Grandmarmie, Vu-Vu and Auntie Pammie. Ohhhh...they miss him so and I miss them so and the ache to all be together is huge.

We are off to Bellingham and maybe British Columbia for a week. I am going to try to take a media break during that time. I need to snuggle my husband longer, sink my feet into cold sand, dip my fingers into dirt, lay back and drink in the rain, sip hot tea and hold a friend in the flesh, observe my son in an environment that we just might call home someday and revel in transformation to come.

Do visit my new April sponsors while I am gone. Such lusciousness!

{Side note: We saw the Fantastic Mr. Fox last night. LOVED it. We're still talking about it. Oh how I adore Wes Anderson and his movies. Cedar laughed at all the funny parts. How did he know they were funny? He's only 16 months old!}

she's here.

darlene, canon 50d

my big sister is here. arrived last night. she's still sleeping up in the loft. cedar and i have been up for two hours. i am trying so hard to be quiet but he keeps serenading her, looking up through the arched loft windows. like a little romeo to his juliet. so far not a peep from her. i see that she left the dragonfly lights on that are strung across the bed. this means she's had good dreams. the ones that are enchanting. they are magical that way.

cedar is now sitting up on his knees on boho boy's brown leather chair near the bookshelf. he is pulling down books one by one and flipping thru the pages. he always stops at wayne dyer and does more than flip. he stares. i told a friend this the other day while on the phone and she said..."he is so your child".

the window is open. last night it rained and it is still misting this morning. so the wind sounds moist. do you know what i mean? not only feels moist but sounds moist? the birds are still singing outside. there are five on the tree outside of our window. i think they too love the rain here since it rarely falls. how many birds like rain?

i just fed cedar scrambled egg whites sprinkled with goat cheese and oatmeal. also a bit of my banana with sunflower seed butter on it. our bellies are full. our hearts are full. now just if she would wake up so i can go take a shower... ; )

the pannikin cafe.

cedar and his bottle latte, taken with phone

Yesterday late afternoon we took a drive in the rain about 30 minutes north of us to the Pannikin Coffee & Tea House. Its a precious yellow and white trimmed railroad station built in 1888 and was transformed into a cafe in 1968. There is such a cool vibe there. Really relaxed and open and inspiring. Customers and Barista's are so kind to little ones. There is a darling store inside (you can see it in this photo behind Cedar) with lovely mugs and tea cups and jars, frames, books, European candies and a plethora of mouth watering loose teas to choose from. There is always art from local artists hung up on the wall. They switch it out often. Spreading the love. The stairways and floor and railings are thick, old and weathered wood.

This place attracts warm hearts. Many approached us yesterday, talking with Cedar and offering him smiles. The Pannikin is very dear to us. Special things just seem to happen here. I have met up with some blog friends for the first time in this place. I have gone alone and written in my journal for hours about my fertility journey, as the sea winds whistled through the open doors and windows. I ate a delicious salad on the porch with my marmie here. I remember lots of giggling with her. There is one memory that really draws us back to this place. Boho Boy and I were sitting on the very bench against the front window you see in the photo above. It was a lazy weekend day. Late morning. We were just finishing up our breakfast when we received a call from his mother that his father had just passed away. In shock, we walked out to the car and I held Boho Boy for a while. We then walked down to Swami's Beach and sat up against a wooden stairway down in the sand. We told stories about his father. We laughed and we cried and we felt his presence with us the whole day. Since then, we gravitate towards that bench. I think we both subconsciously feel him with us. Like he is waiting there with his journal and a cigar and his stories. Oh those adventurous stories about his life.

Yesterday, when we were there, Boho Boy found a Canadian coin on the bench. We've wondered what kind of sign this was and if it was from his father and what he may have been trying to tell us. We've had fun with it.

What do you think it means?

Edited to add:: CONGRATS CANADA!!! This photo was taken seconds after the Canadian Olympic Hockey team won their gold. Such a fun game! Woohoo! Seeing Boho Boy so happy fills me up...

{boho baby & boho boy, taken with phone}

my darling mcscruffy...celebrating.

oh canada!

kisses from the bohos.

I took this photo tonight with my phone. It was for my sister Pamela. She's laying in the hospital, feeling super uncomfortable and I wish I could be there. My brother in law and I have been sharing photos and sentiments via text messages back and forth for Pam. This is when I am so very grateful for technology and how it keeps me close to my family. I saw a photo of my sister sleeping in the hospital bed. Her long flowy hair was laid out like a mermaid and her face looked so peaceful in her slumber. I sent a text back to her husband..."how can she still look so pretty?". She is such a warrior, that one.

Thank you all for lifting her up in your thoughts and prayers and sending such beautiful affirmations and positive energy, manifestations and visions for her. I know when she wakes, she will read every single one and it will carry her through this long road to recovery.

On another note, my husband and I were so weepy last night during the opening ceremonies for the Olympics. His Canadian pride swelled and I was so excited for those that were watching that have never been there. Now they can see why we love British Columbia so.

Our hearts are also heavy for the family of Nomar Kumaritashvili. May his spirit be at peace.

pamela. {updated}

pamela on ocean beach, canon 50D

My sister Pamela goes in for major back surgery today at 7:15AM PST. The kind where they go in through the stomach, take out all the goods and operate on her spine. Sorry to be so graphic but it is an image that haunts me a bit and it makes it that much more prayer worthy. She is my sister, woven deep into my heart and when my sisters feel intense feelings, I feel them too...from afar, even if we haven't spoken. Its just one of those sister things. So, I am having difficulty sleeping this morning (hence, me writing this at 5am).

I thought in the name of comfort, solace, support and love...I would come to you. I know this space has attracted such healing spirits and gentle warriors. So please, my friends...can you please send up to the Universe and heavens all the prayers you can muster? Candles lit? Positive affirmations? Comic relief? For my dear sister? She reads this blog and I know she will come here when she is lying in her bed for weeks post surgery. I would love for her to feel each of you...the way I do when my heart is broken and fallen to pieces and you pick it up and put it back together so creatively and beautifully with your tender words.

She's suffered back pain for years and has finally found an amazing doctor that discovered the root of her pain and was willing to take a risk to help create a life for my sis that she longs for.

She wrote to me recently..."I am going to learn how to dance like Beyonce when this is over...".

I see you dancing sister. I see you filled with more joy. I see you loving yourself more fiercely. I see you singing in the shower with that gorgeous voice of yours. I see you running on your hikes in Yosemite, not walking. I see you fully embracing the strength of your body. I see it all. I see you.

I love you, Pammie. In two hours I will be on my knees. You won't be alone.

{UPDATE: Just got this note from her husband... "Pamela's surgery went perfect. She was so young and so strong that they were able fit the largest and most modern protein-powered spacer between her vertebrae. She will definitely be the tallest Andrade after this! : ) She is going to gain a full inch or more in height. I am so very relieved and happy."}

So, I will now have a happier and taller sister. ; ) Thank you so much for circling her and our family during this time. IT WORKED!

images of christmas.

I didn't quite take as many photos as I had envisioned. In fact, I imagined I was going to walk around outside the Farm and capture the many trees in the orchard and the house from a distance and my rain boots in the mud. Alas, I was too soaked in family love to think about those things and I remained indoors, snuggling with my kin. I did manage to capture a few moments and the rest are taken by Boho Brother. Neither of us like flash but it had to be done in the evening hours. I didn't capture everyone but most. Perhaps with these images you can get a wee idea of the abundance of love on Christmas Eve & Day.

Christmas Eve:

cedar always thrilled about books

new drum!

cedar is our entertainment at the farm

super pooped out but refuses to take nap

Christmas Morning:

cedar has no idea what to do with the gifts

mommy teaches him


marmie got lots of green shirts. she looks rad in green.

daddy loved his uber soft LL Bean shirts!

boho brother loves his witches ball

daddy shows cedar how to play with his wooden blocks

me and cedar breathe in some fresh air, soaking in my parent's view

The eve of Christmas:

my sister darlene reading to cedar

my niece angela showing cedar how to drum

dar, angela & me

dar & my niece kelly sing with cedar

my niece kelly christmas eve and day

my nephew mark & cedar

marmie, boho boy, my sister pam and nephew mark playing with cedar

my niece angela and her yummy man jon

my nephew sean teaching cedar the wooden drum

It's been a while since a baby has been in our immediate family. ; ) Seanzie was the last bebe until Cedar and look at him now!

I heart my family.

LAUGHTER in the New Year.

me & cedar christmas morning at my parents house, photo by jon-erik

All of my friends are choosing words for the New Year. A word to help guide them throughout 2010 to bring more of what they want/need into their life. I haven't had much time during the holiday craze to think of what my word was...until today.

I was remembering the day after Christmas at my parents house. We were all doing our own thing. Marmie was cleaning the kitchen. I was picking up baby nibbles off of the floor. Boho Boy and Boho Brother were reading on the couch. Daddy was playing a game on his laptop. Cedar was in the high chair finishing up dinner. The kitchen and the living room are connected in an open space, so it is easy to feel together, even if in separate rooms.

I stood up from kneeling on the kitchen floor and noticed a white napkin on the counter open and with a few crumbs on it. I moved closer and it became more clear that the crumbs were chunks of peppermint and white chocolate. I felt my head become hot and my heart started racing. I gasped out loud and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. I am sure they thought Cedar had fallen from the high chair or that I hurt myself or something extremely alarming because THAT is how loud my gasp was.

"Who ate my Peppermint Bark?" I asked in pure panic, because you know...the world was about to end.

It was quiet. Everything felt slow motion. Then I saw sitting near the napkin up on a little box was the big square chunk of peppermint bark in a ziplock bag. I then squealed and I jumped up and down, holding the candy in my hand.

Then as I came out of my blissed out little girl bubble, I saw that everyone was looking at me with their mouths dropped open and it was then and only then, that I realized how totally ridiculous all of what transpired was and I started laughing at myself.

Laughing so hard that my nostrils moved up and down and tears flowed and my belly ached as I held it tight and I danced around the kitchen. Everyone's laughter followed. Mmmm...a house full of hearty laughs.

Let me explain my panic. You see...I made a huge deal out of my husband picking up peppermint bark on the way from the airport to the farm (he came a few days after me). On Christmas eve I was so consumed with loving on my family the entire night, I never ate a piece. Then the following day on Christmas, when we gathered again at the farm, I had every intention of eating some but again was being too social to remember. So at the end of the night when we all said our goodbyes and packed up, I noticed a few pieces left in the tin can it came in. I grabbed a big piece with all of my might and basically yelled out at my sister across the room "this is mine!!!" because she loves it too and she just had to share. I brought it home wrapped in a white napkin. When my mother was cleaning the kitchen, she put my peppermint bark in a ziplock bag, so that no one would throw it out.

So, now you can understand more fully my devastation at learning someone may have eaten my long awaited piece of precious peppermint bark when seeing the empty napkin!

A few days later when we were packing up the car to head back to the airport, my marmie pulled me aside and said "It was so good to hear you laugh like that. It has been a long time since I've seen you laugh that hard. It felt so good. It was one of my favorite moments." I felt a lump in my throat and thought about what she said most of the ride to the airport.

She's right. I used to laugh a lot more. I have taken myself a lot more seriously than usual over the last five years. Going through (in)fertility and then the adoption and then becoming a new mother. These are very serious things. And yes, so much joy to be had in it all but as my reserves have been elsewhere, I haven't really had a lot of energy to laugh that deeply. Or more importantly, laugh at MYSELF that deeply. I used to do that all the time. ALL. the. time.

I felt sad for my parents, realizing that it must have been so hard to watch their free spirited, goofy daughter get so serious and deep within for so long. I saw it in my marmie's eyes. That my joy is her joy and she felt hungry for it. Hungry for my joy.

I honor all the seriousness we went through. I honor every bit of it. I am grateful. I do not regret. I am deeper and wiser and more mindful.

Although...my word for the new year is LAUGHTER. More laughter. More moments of not taking myself too seriously and exploring the humor in things like someone else eating my coveted piece of peppermint bark. ; )

If you'd like a space to share your words or thoughts on the new year, I am opening it up for you here. Blessings to each of you. Blessings on your hearts throughout 2010.

loving my boho boys.

the bro's strolling cedar on the beach.

i love my boho boys.

boho boy sandwich.

boho brother teaching nature.

live long & prosper. we just watched Star Trek (the new film) last night. we are feeling very geeked out.

the boho boys on christmas at the farm...opening necklace made by my sis

boho brother christmas morning, wearing his hat from cedar

boho brother giving cedar a puppet show

boho brother teaching cedar how to drum

Thought I'd post just a few images of Boho Boy, Boho Brother & Boho Baby...otherwise known in this space as the Boho Boys. ; ) The ones on the beach are from today. Just a few hours ago. The rest are at my parents house and at the farm during Christmas Eve & Day.

Being with these three beings of light is full of some of the most healing stuff. Such heart warming goodness to be discovered in the energy between them. They create magic when they walk side by side and I feel so protected in their love bubble when we're all together. There always seems to be a balance to our moods. When one is grumpy, the other two make them laugh, when one is tired and needs to rejuvenate, the other two work harder so they can rest. Its quite the comfy balance of yin and yang. We will miss him so when he heads back to Canada tomorrow.

So I inquired with Boho Brother about his romantic life, for those of you that left crushy comments about his darling-ness. He allowed me to share with you that "I am indeed single right now, out in the country, building a Zen home and living in my center." I told him that wouldn't help and that now my crushed out readers may find him that much more sexy. I love that the boho boys seem a wee clueless to that sort of thing. It was one of the things that attracted me most to my husband when we met. He was so unassuming about his appeal!

More images of the holidays to come...

elfin christmas.

We are home.

I have so many images to share from our holiday in Northern California with my family. Such an unforgettable few days shared together.

Boho Brother is still in town. Today we took him to a Buddhist temple and meditation garden and tomorrow we are driving our VW Bussy to the beach for sand/ocean naps and a finger food buffet. Then he heads back to Canada on the 30th.

I think we're all drunk with love. Seriously. I thought I couldn't love my family any more than I do but to see them through Cedar's eyes was crazy beautiful. I will spread the love soon on this space.

Until then, I thought I'd share with you the wee elf that visited us on Christmas morning.

{for those of you that inquired...the hat Cedar is wearing is from Everyday Beautiful. a dear gift from Em. he's modeling the hat as a newborn here}