wild and free*

I have some pretty yummy stuff to document about my trip to British Columbia, Canada but not the time to do it yet. I want to put it somewhere, so I can look back and cherish, read it to Cedar and savor the memory of his first time in his father's country. Just to offer a slice, some of the stories have to do with my head being pooped on, me losing my phone downtown to be found again and a dreadlocked beauty who reads my blog bravely approaching me that I cannot stop thinking about.  She was magic.

This was a full week. A dear friend was in town and we soaked her in as much as possible. She is a dream. Also a bit of an emotional week for me having to do with one of my sisters. Some stuff I don't feel comfortable sharing in public but wanted to say something, so that those of you that come to this space with your big hearts and intuition will already know to lift it up in prayer and meditation and send healing thoughts to her and the rest of my family.

In the meantime, I wanted to share this shot of Cedar I took the day before yesterday. It was in the morning, still in his jammies, with his new boots on and excited to see how they felt running down our street. Been trying to find little toddler Uggs at the consignment shops here but they must go fast, so we couldn't wait and he loves these and that is awesome because he usually only likes to wear shoes with animals on them! This image of Cedar is so totally him with his wild joy and free spirit.

I am writing this on my steps with my Nia pants on and a tank and some brand new walking/running shoes. I don't remember the last time I stepped out in work out shoes. All of my walks out in nature have been lazed and lovely and slow and mindful. I embraced that slowness my body, soul and mind needed. But I feel ready. Ready to get my body moving, to let my blood flow and work through stuff stirring around in my soul. So today it begins. As I move my bod, time alone, music in my ears, I will think of this image of Cedar and draw from his wild and free ways.

{your stories in my previous post have moved me deep. and the times i came here to write a post, i chose to just read your words. i've needed to hear so much of this wisdom and insight and just raw spilling. i think so many of us have. thank you...so utterly humbled and grateful for your bravery}

on manifesting and introvert~ness*

me wearing goddess tee by the lovely and intoxicating terri fischer and bliss pants by intertwine designs

About 6 years ago, Boho Boy and I were one of our many vacations on Vancouver Island, in Victoria, BC. We were driving around some beautiful ocean side neighborhoods, excitedly dreaming, wishing, hoping that this could be possible for us one day. We were newly married and had a lot to figure out when it came to how we would get there but in that moment, all we wanted to do was dream. There was this house near the water, tucked away in trees. A tiny silver boat was tied to their own private dock at the side/back. We imagined they would take quick trips to downtown Victoria for the farmers market or what have you. As we drove even slower pass the house, we noticed there was a woman and a young girl crouched down by a bush near the front fence. The woman had a bowl tucked into her arm and one by one, her and the young girl were plucking blackberries and dropping them into the bowl.  Boho Boy and I looked at one another with big sighs. "I want that someday when we have a family" we both said in our own words. Often, when that dream felt so far off, we would talk about that moment and the possibility of that dream for us to keep us going.  Eventually, well, the last few years before moving here to be exact, we stopped talking about it because in all honesty, it ached too much.

Just a few days ago while on a walk I realized something. We live in a home in the Pacific Northwest, tucked away in the trees, a block away from a bay where we canoe and kayak... and every morning, we take Cedar to the side of the house to pick raspberries for breakfast. "Honey!" I said..."It really happened for us. We are living that dream." Of course there were a few jokes tossed around because Boho Boy cannot whisper a word without humor interlaced.  Like its raspberries instead of blackberries and Washington instead of British Columbia...but it is so close, non?  It gives us chills.  The power of speaking our dreams out loud.  The power of manifesting.  The power of vision boards.  The power of prayer.  The power of meditation.  All of it.  Just gives me chills.  And I am living proof that the dream may not turn out exactly how we envisioned (I am not talking raspberries here, but adoption rather than conception) but if we stay close to our desires.  If we whisper them or shout them or write them down or release them...if we BELIEVE them...we find ourselves one day looking around and realizing we are in it.

About a month ago, I found myself needing to pull back from the Internet a bit more.  I had shared on my blog and with my loved ones before moving here that I wanted to be on the Internet less so that I could be more present to what surrounded me and our new home.  For the first few weeks that was simple to do.  We were settling in and exploring new territory, meeting our neighbors, etc.  But I found myself opening up my laptop again to reach out and connect.  The last 10 years of my life was full of beautiful relationships and events and projects and documented journeys online and it was an integral part of my growth and journey.   The more I connected online while here, the more I noticed I wasn't feeling open to connect with my  neighbors or meet up with a dear friend.  I also am aware that Cedar seeing me on my laptop these days causes him stress (little smarty), which causes me stress and then we both get grumpy.  When online, I was connected to this extraordinary, earthy, deep and richly layered group of women and because they are all SO rad, it was so hard for me to not want to swim in their unique and powerful energies all day long.  But my intuition was telling me to pull in and go outside and meditate and pray and rediscover what my energy is.  I am attracted to and attract such powerful soulful women in my life and it can be so easy to be inspired and influence by their gifts.  This is my most favorite thing about the Internet.  How it connects us to like-minded spirits.  But I am in this space where I am needing to reconnect with my voice, my heart, my core values, my spirituality...because I am feeling less grounded and more swept up.  I am also in a space of knowing that I need to relearn how to connect with others in the flesh.  I had grown so comfortable with email and phone and random visits here and there but when my neighbor the other day came over to say hello, I found myself totally awkward with being caught off guard.  With email, we can sit down when the house is quiet or we are taking breaks.  Same with phone calls.  But what about when life is messy or loud or busy or I am tired or not showered with a greasy head of dreads and my friend pops over?  I don't want to hide or shy away from those real life moments.  I desire to feel at ease with the day to day in-person relationships that most people have but I haven't had for years.

Me quieting the Internet noise has opened up a lot of clarity for me about how I am in this world and I have a lot to learn but one thing that has really shifted all of this for me is coming to the realization that I am an Introvert.  When I decided to pull back from the Internet (which meant deactivating my FB account, barely on email and blogging a bit less), I reached out to a few friends to let them know where I would be.  One of them is my dear sister-friend Susannah.  She is in the throws of the finishing touches of her book (editing phase...yay!!), so of course, I also wanted to check in with her about that journey before I drifted off into fae-land.  She passionately shared with me that she most recently had a realization and took the Myers Briggs test online to confirm that she was indeed an Introvert (she shares about being an Introvert in this video blog).  This awareness helped her realize so much about herself in a positive, affirming light.  She shared it with me because she said she thought of me and wondered if I may be an Introvert as well.  She sent me this article: 10 Myths about Introverts and for the past 3 weeks, I have been marinating in the idea that so much of how I groove in this world makes more sense as an Introvert.  I noticed this article is making its way around the Internet and I find it so fitting that many of us bloggers are part of this community of Introverts (type in the words introvert and blog into google and you'll find a ton!).  I am soaking in and loving that what I sense from others is an empowering vibe surrounding this whole idea.

For so long I have attributed so much of my need to be alone in order to rejuvenate or my overwhelm in groups or crowds (online or in person) or my sensitivity to noise or my way of being quiet unless I had something meaningful to say and so so much more (read article linked above) to me being an Empath.  And I know much of that gift of empathy ties into my story but I also am relieved to know there are more layers to it.  I am relieved to know that I am okay and  it is not about being overly shy or insecure or  a recluse or anti-social.  That my need to pull in is about self care, self-love, self preservation and nurturing, so that I can be more centered (and more present for those that are close in my life).

I know this post has been a bit all over the place.  I suppose I had a lot to share...but I also know I will be exploring this quite a bit more in this space, the more I swim around in these waters of awareness.  Sus suggested I get this book.  Perhaps some of you, after reading this, are no longer feeling alone now too.

lotus wei loveliness*

custom made Lotus Wei elixirs

A few months ago, a friend guided me over to the flower essences of  Lotus Wei.  I was so enchanted with the energy throughout their website.  I was in need of the healing power of nature bottled up, for me to drink in.  Mmmm...aren't we all?  After I made an order, I was contacted by one of the owners, Katie Hess.  We connected in a gentle, knowing way and Lotus Wei eventually became a sponsor on my blog.  We knew my readers would be drawn to the healing ways of their products the same way I was.

Since becoming a sponsor, Katie has taken such gentle care of our family.  She knew we were all experiencing illness from the poor air quality in our home (that we are quickly remedying, more on that soon).  She asked me to make a list of all of our ailments.  I wasn't sure what she was going to do with that list, but then I received the most thoughtful care package from her.  I was so teary and moved at the attention and intention she put into our family's well being.  I know there is a unique and spiritual process when the elixirs, oils and mists are created, which involves a gemstone for more healing properties.  I felt so deeply grateful that she had made each of us our own elixir.  She wrapped up the package with beautiful notes for each of us and chocolate to nourish.  It was one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received.

yummy care package from Katie (and some of the things i had already purchased)

Last week,  both Katie Hess and Lisa Reinhardt (CEO of Wei of Chocolate) were in town and were able to stop by our home for a few hours.  The serendipity of their coming was pretty amazing.  It was the morning after a bit of a rough and emotional night...without a wink of sleep.  Normally, I would pull back from anything social because when I am in a space where emotions are completely at the surface,  I tend to need at least a few days of solitude to get centered again.  Something told me not to pull back but to surrender and open my door, regardless if I wasn't in the best head space.  The fact that Katie said she wanted to "shower us with flower power" helped. ; )

The minute I opened my door I felt this calm wash over me.  Katie and Lisa gracefully slipped off their shoes and walked in my home.  I felt like the energy between our exchanges was an Om chant.  Just calm, whispery, gentle...as we sat Indian style or lotus position on the floor and shared a bit about ourselves.  What moved me the most was Cedar's openness to them.  Katie slowly pulled out of her magical bag bottles of elixirs, mists and oils...cards with flowers on them spread out, tiny cups for Cedar to play with...and Lisa handed us healing chocolates that melted on our tongue.  Cedar was drawn to certain flower cards and Katie would mist him with that particular flower essence and he would throw his head back with his eyes closed and fully RECEIVE it.  She rubbed oils on his skin and dropped elixirs on his tongue.

I told a friend the next day that I was awed by his 30 minutes or more of complete calm and sage wisdom with what was transpiring around him.  He seemed like an old soul...like he just got it.  He knew he was being drenched with essence that his body craved.  Essence from earth and he is an earth child.  Observing the sweet kindred connection between them melted my mama heart.

Later in the day I was to meet up with two visiting friends for my first girly date in long over a year. I wasn't sure when I woke up that morning if I was quite up for it...even though I ached to see them and have some much needed time away from home. I was THAT weary and self conscious about feeling raw. But, but...after a few hours of being in the presence of Katie and Lisa and my body soaking in the healing and my mind releasing the muck and opening up space for peace, I was so open and ready to love and be loved by my girlfriends. So that is PROOF, my friends. It works. My mood was enhanced ten fold and my friends who hung out with me that night can attest to it. I felt closer to the essence of me than I had in a very long time. They told me I smelled like a blossom. I sent them home for their drive back to LA with a chocolate they were drawn to. It was all just so magical and I have Katie and Lisa to thank for blessing me on a day that it was deeply needed.

And Cedar? After eating the Wei Relaxed piece of dark chocolate Lisa gave him right before his nap, I was concerned it might keep him up. It IS chocolate, right? I never give him chocolate. But Katie and Lisa reassured me that it is supposed to help him sleep. So, I surrendered and guess what? He had a three hour nap. Note to all mamas...feed your kids THIS chocolate!! ; )

e-course GIVEaway!

Whether you've never practiced yoga before and want to get started, or have attended classes regularly for years, 30 Days of Yoga is an online program designed to support you to begin a regular practice of yoga in the comfort of your own home. Marianne has crafted it lovingly to meet the needs of people who are not getting what they need from large yoga classes or mass-produced DVDs.

Meet my dear friend, Marianne...{I shared a bit more about her on my blog here}.

{marianne...photo by Stefanie Renee}

Her approach is grounded in a radical form of self-kindness because she believes that we all respond better to kindness than criticism and because kindness works. It’s a powerful and transformative force.

Marianne says:

"The approach works because I’m teaching what I know best. I’m the expert on struggling to get into a steady home practice of yoga because I’ve struggled myself. I’ve tried bribing myself into it, nagging myself into it, forcing myself into it. None of them worked. What works – for me and for hundreds of others – is the simple, transformative, compassionate approach that I set out in this course."

If you are a beginner then you’ll be pleased to know that the January course of 30 days of yoga is going to include a brand-new beginners version. You don't need to have any experience of yoga at all, nor do you need fancy yoga pants. That's the beauty of yoga at home, you can do it in your underwear if you like!

The 30 days will begin on 4 January 2011 (the first new moon of the new year).  Read more here.

GIVEaway Rules:

• Winner receives one spot in this awesome e-course (would be a wonderful gift too!)
• To enter, please leave a comment giving yourself some "self kindness" in some way (a word affirmation, something you love about your mind, spirit, body or soul or a gentle reminder for yourself)
• Comment can be one word or many
• Winner will be chosen at random
• Comments will be closed Sunday, December 12th at 9pm PST
• Blessings to all.

{I will be publishing other blog posts before Sunday but will continue to direct readers to this post so they will know to enter}

pure self love*

me & cedar in my sister's mirror, canon 50d ~ august break #26

You can see all the fingerprint and lip marks on the bottom half of the mirror.  Those are from Cedar...chatting with himself, kissing himself, smiling at himself.  I sat back and watched him in awe.  So totally embracing his reflection and not at all tainted with expectations of how he should look or be.  Pure self love.  As though he was saying..."Hi Me...I love you JUST as you are!"

These are the teachable moments I am so grateful for.

the grass on the other side.

cedar & me yesterday, taken with phone

I've received so many delicious emails from fellow curvy women sharing that my previous post about the Lane Bryant commercial and curves felt empowering and really hit home with them.

"It feels so good to read that I am not alone, I have poured over the comments again and again!"

"Thank you for that. Today I am feeling a little bit more comfy in my skin!"

Oh how I teared up at many of your stories. I felt in a way, we truly did all meet up at the mountain and celebrated who we are as women. A safe space was created through that post and I am honored so many of you spilled such sacred, private, raw feelings about your bodies through both comments and emails.

I also received an email from a woman (a fellow adoptive mommy) on the other side of curves. With her permission, I am sharing it here anonymously because I have a feeling it will move and shift your perspective and heart as it did mine.

"I read your post and wanted to share something...maybe I just wanted to free this thought from my mind, but anyway...since my son was born, I have felt so self conscious that I DON"T have any curves....there is no cushy place for him to lay his head...everything is bony and I have no comfy breasts for him to snuggle against. It has caused me to feel less "motherly" and feminine. I literally felt bad for him ~ that he wasn't comfortable against me. Today has been one of those emotional days...he is such a busy little person ~ not much time for mama these days. How I long for snuggles and softness...sometimes I wonder if maybe he would be more snuggly if he would have had a softer place to snuggle up against. Just thinking "out loud" and hoping you know that life isn't always "greener on the other side" ~ continue to welcome those curves ~ I'm sure Cedar loves them!! :) Much love ~"

I wanted to share this because sometimes we feel so consumed with our side of the grass when it comes to our body images. We can't imagine that a woman shaped different than us could desire to be where we are, for various reasons.

I am also sharing this with hopes that you, my wise, gentle and loving readers...can offer up some comfort to this woman. Some affirmations, some hope and encouragement, perhaps how she resonated with you. My heart is with her. I am so honored that she chose this moment to be so brave with raw emotions that took so much courage to put out there.

reflection.

cedar, canon 50d

He teaches me to love myself purely.

Tell me one thing you love about yourself, when gazing at your reflection.

thank you, lane bryant.

self portrait

This morning Cedar and I were watching last night's American Idol. Its something we so enjoy doing together. He literally lays with me or cuddles near me and is enamored with the musicians. Sometimes he'll get up and boogie for me, make me laugh and invite me to join. Times like this, I feel like he's such an old soul and not at all behaving his age. His attention span, to lay and watch entire performances and glance at me with a smile or with a "that one felt off" look on his face blows me away. Last week at my parent's house, while watching American Idol, they too were amazed. My sister Dar said "he's just laying there like a teenager"...on his back, knees propped up with his head on a pillow resting on my lap. Laying there watching the entire show. I was glad to share it with them, so that they would believe me when I tell them these things. Cedar and music are one. But this isn't really what I want to talk about...

A Lane Bryant commercial came on while watching the show this morning and I had a very emotional reaction. This stunning, curvy woman on the screen was walking around graceful in her body, running to meet her girlfriends across the street, walking downtown confident and sexy and beautiful, glowing and healthy. I felt really connected to this woman. My heart beat faster and I felt it swell. I felt very celebratory. A part of a tribe. A club of women that embrace this way of being when the media, for years, has only seemed to embrace a particular size and look. And yes, this smaller size and look too is stunning and graceful and glowing and beautiful but the issue is, its not every woman and its definitely not me. And because this leaner way of being is mostly what we see in the media, it feels saturating. To see a young twenty something curvier, not perfectly cut and lean woman walking around in snug sexy clothes and lingerie felt empowering. I could actually see me in her. I could resonate with her so much more and I wanted to meet her for tea and gush about how hot she looked and go lingerie shopping with her. I imagined dancing around the dressing rooms in our undies and not feeling large around one another but rather, celebrating our bodies. I think she would have that effect on me. I felt inspired. I want to be that woman for my friends, both thin and curvy. That woman that is so comfy in her skin that it doesn't matter what size she or anyone else is. That its all about celebrating being a woman and loving yourself and inspiring others to do so. I was this woman once. Now I find that the ebbs and flows of my journey through (in)fertility has presented a daily practice for me of embracing my body. A daily practice that is harder some days (or weeks) than others.

I don't watch a lot of television and if I do, I fast forward through the commercials. I also don't watch a lot of news because so much of it is about opinions when I'd really just love to read about what's going on and form my own opinion. So, I missed the controversy with Fox banning a Lane Bryant commercial of a plus size (HOT) woman walking around in her lingerie, glancing down at her phone calendar to see "meet Dan for lunch" and throwing a coat on over her lingerie clad bod and walking out the door.

I discovered this commercial because after seeing the fully clothed Lane Bryant commercial this morning, I wanted to send it to a friend, and typed it into Youtube and rather, saw this other one...and the stream of comments/opinions about why Fox should or shouldn't have banned this commercial. The word out is that it was banned for one of two reasons (or both?): Sexual suggestion and/or the size of the model and it being inappropriate for earlier television. Neither of those reasons really sat right in my heart. Yes, her putting a coat on over her lingerie and walking out the door suggests that she is meeting "Dan" for sex. But doesn't a Victoria Secret model, laying on the ground or bed with a come hither look suggest the same? And what about Dancing with the Stars (on Fox) and their barely there costumes, grinding up against one another? You better believe it suggests sex to me and all who are watching! ; ) I suppose I am sharing my thoughts about this other commercial because I feel a wee bummed it was banned but again, that's also not really what this is about for me.

I felt moved by all of this today. I've been in a bit of a hard place about my body this week. I think the full moon pulled me into some emotions that are not always at the surface but lie underneath, down in the depths where deep wounds live: Things that people have said or not said about my body. How I sometimes feel broken as a woman that couldn't get pregnant. That my body hasn't done what I suppose it was naturally meant to do. All of that stuff that I have shared many times here before. And as I said to a friend the other day, I know those thoughts are lies. They are not my truth. They are the gremlins, the wounds, the dark side whispering in my ear when I am feeling vulnerable.

What is my truth is that I am built to be curvy and regardless if I can get pregnant or not, I am fully woman and I love being in a space of celebrating that this is who I am. The only times I have been thin, really thin...is when I was depressed or starving myself or in the midst of anxiety. What I felt was my healthiest was when I was fresh in love with the man I was going to marry and we ate to our hearts content and I was a yoga lover and running almost every day and hiking and a strong, fit, curvy woman. I was at a time in my life where I attracted a man who loved curves, when previous to that, I was with someone for years that thought I was "chubby" at a size 6. I am now a size 10 or 12 (and at five feet, two inches...well, those are some curvy curves).

I haven't been kind to myself this week and that is why I find it so moving that I actually saw this commercial (when I always fast forward but Cedar had me distracted). And because I had such a free-ing, emotional reaction to it, I imagined hundreds of other women like me around the world feeling the same celebratory oneness. Oh how I wish we could gather on the mountain and have a ceremony to honor this for all women.

So, today, I put on something a bit snugger and I am walking a bit taller and feeling a bit more in my body than I did yesterday. Thank you, Lane Bryant.

cedar naps, we nap.

sleeping cedar, canon 50d

The three of us have the sickity head coldie icks. Every spare moment of quiet is full of sleep. Cedar naps, we nap...which leaves no time for me to write the delicious post I've been yearning to write about Bellingham. Ohhh...so sorry to keep you waiting.

I'll leave you with a few fun facts about B'ham.

1. Three Pizza joints have Gluten Free Pizza (YUM).
2. Most every coffee shop has rice milk and yerba mate...oh, and agave nectar. We laughed.
3. Most everyone smiles when they pass you. Just like when you go camping and you're on a hike and other hikers nod or smile or say hello. It's just like that...but on the street!

More soon. I promise.

an act of love.

self portrait

So many things are shifting within me. I've been dancing and wrestling and courting voices within. Some really gentle and nourishing and some harsh to the bone and not at all serving my soul.

Today I did something I haven't done in a long time. I walked around naked while Cedar was napping. The weather is a dry hot here. The Santa Ana winds are blowing. I am a Kapha and the heat can at times feel oppressive and bring to surface emotions that run deep. I feel suffocated when the weather gets like this. Trapped underneath many layers of dessert sand.

When walking around naked, as much as I could feel the slightest breeze on my skin through the windows, I could also hear the harsher voices sing. They told me to pay attention to my thighs rubbing together or my bum drifting from side to side or when I would twist to grab something off the counter, they let it be known that the extra rolls on my back felt more prominent. I felt exasperated that I couldn't even enjoy this moment of pure naked freedom in my home. I yelled out and told them to shut the eff up and fought for my sanity. I sat down in front of a mirror and asked my body what it needed to feel loved. I gazed longer at those bits I turn away from in the mirror when getting out of the shower. I gazed and I sent those hills and valleys love. The dimples and the rolls and the bumps. I felt my whole being soften. I felt more forgiveness and deeper into the present but I didn't feel sexy.

I know I've shared this quite a bit but I have wanted so badly to feel sexy the way I used to before (in)fertility came into my life. I have blocks. Walls. I feel guarded at times with my husband. I feel stripped down and raw and sometimes, not as feminine as I used to. Its not his fault. He's so brilliant at trying to remind me but its just me and those voices and the hurt and confusion that this journey brought with it. I have work to do here. Whether it means seeing a therapist or just being aware of these emotions. Staying true to them. Staying honest and carving out time like I did today, to love on my body. Because in the end, my husband could bow down at my feet and tell me I am the sexiest woman he's ever made love to but it is me that needs to believe it. It is me that needs to love myself and celebrate my walk on this earth as a woman and embrace those curves and shifts and gray hairs on my head and lines on my eyes. Sometimes it is easier to be gentle when walking around with fabric covering your curves...but when peeled down and completely vulnerable with nothing but my skin, it needs some special nurturing.

So, I laid down on the bed in my loft and took some photos of my body. Not for him but for me. The way I used to when I felt so deeply connected to my curves. Sometimes I laughed at myself. Sometimes I cried with myself.

This is a movement in the direction of healing for me. Reconnecting with my curves after years of (in)fertility and the depression and treatments that added weight to my body and soul. Remembering that I am still a sexual being that is feminine and desired. Accepting the wider sway of my hips and bosoms the way I do when I lust after other curvier women.

This is an act of being gentler on myself and learning to love me all over again.

energy shifts.

stephanie's window at her home, canon 50d

A dear sister soul reached out to me today, telling me that she notices a shift in my energy lately. The tone behind her words held concern. I have indeed been quieter than usual.

This is what I said...

"yes, i am going through some shifts in my energy but it is all good things. good, pure and whole things. opening up to what truly truly serves me and what i have hoped would serve me but doesn't and what i know has always never served me but let stick around." ; )

I took a deep breath when finishing that email and realized how much clarity those words carried in my being.

So this is where my heart is right now.

on style and renewal of some sort.

{omgosh...how many times do i say "what's funny about that is..."...nice.}

curvy deliciousness.

Plus Size Supermodels from far left: Crystal Renn, Amy Lemons,
Ashley Graham, Kate Dillon, Anansa Sims and Jennie Runk
Bottom Center: Lizzie Miller, Glamour Magazine {click for larger view}

I ran across this article yesterday and my heart lept (and my mouth drooled...hello gorgeousness). How I have dreamed about the day that the world of Fashion would embrace, truly embrace women of all sizes and not just those that are much smaller than the average woman.

I know this is a step in the right direction and we're not fully there. Its a new direction of authenticity in a world that creates this idea in our little girls minds (and women in general) that air brushed super thin bodies is what it takes to be beautiful or accepted or adored.

Thin can absolutely be attractive and beautiful, yes, absolutely but so can curves...alluring, healthy curves and when we really look around us as we walk in a crowd, most women have figures shaped much like the women in this image.

So this image reached out and moved me deeply and I wanted to share it here in this space with hopes that it may touch some of you. I thought to myself; Hey, my belly and hips and thighs sort of look like that (especially when I am consistently exercising...right now they are a bit cushier than usual...hee)! I actually felt more beautiful when looking at this image. Its really powerful. Powerful to see this shift in energies about the definition of beauty, women, balance, health, wholeness and freedom to accept who we are, how we are built and to celebrate that.

Like one of the models Lizzie said in an interview..."It may be someone else's normal to be a size 2 but my normal is a size 10 or 12. I work out, I eat healthy and this is my normal."

Its my normal too. This actually inspires me to be more active, which I have been missing deeply. I so enjoy my curves when they have that extra firm roundness booty bubbleness! ; )

I showed this image above to my husband last night and he said "Wow, real women...". He didn't mean that thin women are not real women, of course they are. What he meant was they were photographed and published without being tucked in or shaved off. Real.

For years I was with someone that wished I was thinner because he was attracted to thin. That's a whole other story that I don't want to get into right now, perhaps later. But what I will say is that it was so liberating to break away from those chains. Then when I finally met my husband while in a space of true self acceptance, within a few days he shared with me how he has always loved curvier shapes. It was as though me accepting and celebrating my true shape attracted a man that celebrated it too.

Just writing about all of this is helping me to feel more sexy...because I have NOT felt sexy that much at all lately. Perhaps in fleeting moments but not lasting. This has been very healing.

{the yerba mate i mentioned in my vlog is Guayaki Barbacuca...and i use vanilla rice milk and agave nectar from Trader Joes}