cedar, taken with my camera phone

I've wanted to come here so many times the last few weeks to spill the well of emotions I've been experiencing. Yet, on those free moments when Cedar is sleeping or his daddy is taking care of him, I seem to only have energy for the simple things...like eating, showering, cleaning, etc.

This has left me feeling a bit disconnected, a bit inarticulate or able to express it all and that is difficult because writing has always been such a creative balm for me.

I have so much inside of me that comes to the surface when I am rocking my son to sleep, helping him get some relief from his reflux pain. Those quiet hours with my babe draws me into the truth of all that is stirring within. One would say lately I've had too much time to think but I welcome it, really. I know when it is time to take a break from the overwhelm, so I trust myself to keep that balance.

The last few days have been emotional for me. Pondering so many areas of my life. A sweet friend of mine just recently went through an adoption and her experience brought back that sacred time last November during Cedar's birth. Especially the relationship with our birthmother and the mysteriousness behind her selfless act of love and how the idea of feeling grateful just doesn't seem enough. This is a post in and of itself that I'd like to explore soon.

Then it is my friendships...and how they are all shifting lately. It is a beautiful thing. I feel so supported and understood, even though I am unable to give as much as I want to right now. They've all been on this journey with me and wanted it for us as badly as we did and the forgiveness I am receiving for not being fully present in all of my friendships is humbling. Again...another blog post topic all together.

Then there is the whole self image mind game party in my head. Now that I am surfacing from the stress and depression of infertility and adoption, I've realized how different my body looks and how I really feel this extra 25 (or 30?) pounds on me and how I am so ready to return back to taking better care of myself. I long to feel more comfy in my skin (and in my clothes) and to tap back into that curvy sexy girl that once felt confident enough to walk around in her undies.

So much, right? I know I will someday soon be able to grasp those moments and meditate and digest and explore and write about the tumbling of all these things in my life...but right now, I just can't seem to go there.

Then I gaze into the eyes of my sweet son and he brings it all back to the moment and it quiets my mind and reminds me to slow down and embrace the beauty of what is. Right now. Here. In his eyes. He helps me to chill out and let go and be more gentle and forgiving of myself. Being fully present with him while we work together as a team to heal his body puts it all into perspective for me...truly.

How can anyone NOT feel centered when looking into his eyes? ; )

Cedar Live!

I was in the mood to show all of you Cedar, live, in the flesh yesterday. My timing was totally off. This was before his feeding, so he was wondering what the heck I am doing pointing him at this little white and orange box with a red light. He was so over it and wanting to eat. BUT...he is a cutie, nonetheless and I wanted you to see that for yourselves.

Perhaps next time I'll video him post-feeding when he's all smiles and coo's and talkative. ; )

{update: when/if you can find a moment, go here and give my adoption journey sister, Jamie some love. grab a tissue...you'll need it.}

research*


the bohos, photo by tara whitney

I have been having this conversation with a few of my friends lately and now I want to include you in some research I am doing.

Post baby (whether naturally or from adoption), how long did it take for you and your partner to get intimate? Hit the sheets? Tumble in the cotton? Have s.e.x.? ; )

I imagine a lot of couples have to reinvent their romance in the midst of caring for a new baby and finding their footing not only as parents but as a couple aside from it all. I've loved hearing my friends stories, not only because I found them intriguing and all so different but because it was healing for them to talk about it.

I think it is a topic a lot of people are afraid to talk about for fear of them feeling worried or ashamed or afraid that what they're experiencing is not "normal" so to speak. I think people would be surprised that most couples struggle with this. Not all...but most.

It isn't me who wants to know. It is the friend of my cousin's brother in law's aunt's sister that I am doing the research for. Seriously. I mean it. ; )

I fully expect there to be many "anonymous" commenters out of respect for sacredness and privacy. In all honesty, I almost feel more comfortable if you commented anonymously! I don't want to get anyone in trouble!!

Disclaimer: I think my husband is extremely hot and sexy and I feel butterflies just thinking about him. I will not share our story only because family and coworkers of his read this. Need I say more?

the road to wellness...


me & cedar at a coffee shop, taken by boho boy

Tonight I am sitting upstairs with the lights dimmed. My desk is lit by the white tea light I placed in a mason jar. My ear phones are snug against my ears playing music so I can tune out the world and breathe deep breaths while my husband feeds our son downstairs. I am learning that these earphones are my friends because I find it extremely hard to separate myself from what is going on down there. If I don't have them on, I run downstairs over and over to hold my son when I hear him cry or help my husband out...even though this is my designated "me" time, which is only possible for me to have a few days a week. My husband suggested the ear phones and I thought "how brilliant!". He really does need his alone time with his son, without him feeling like I am crowding in on his bonding. This time is healthy for all three of us, really, for different reasons.

I haven't shared much on my blog about the long road of digestive issues we've been traveling with boho baby. Since day one, we have seen him struggle with digestion whether it was the breast milk we tried in the beginning or the plethora of formulas made for sensitive babies, he struggled through each feeding in various ways. Some days better than others but we knew even on those days, he was in pain. I won't go into detail because at this time I am feeling tender about it and not strong enough to rehash it all but yesterday...FINALLY yesterday, we got a diagnosis that makes perfect sense. He has GERD (infant acid reflux) and we are now on a treatment plan that our dear doctor gave us. We've also researched everything holistic and western in regards to this and are on top of all of the latest remedies.

More than anything it just feels good to have some answers. When I went down the long list of symptoms it was so clear that this is what he had. So many days I held him in tears. So many hours of feeling helpless and heart broken seeing him wince in pain. So many sleepless nights and days holding and rocking and soothing and whispering in his ears promises that we will do everything in our might to take this away from him. Now we finally feel a wee bit more in control of how we can help him.

So the couches and beds are loaded up with pillows to keep him propped up wherever he may be. The kitchen is full of herbal tinctures and medicine. It is a lifestyle change for all of us but a welcoming one. We already see him smiling more. I am sure he senses the relief we feel.

I have no idea what it is like to care for a baby that feeds and then burps and then falls asleep simply. Feeding took hours because it was painful for him to eat. Burping was never easy because the gas always got stuck. And he could never sleep more than 10 minutes during the day and a few hours at a time during the night. But truly, this was all I ever knew. When he begins to improve, I can imagine my reserves will open even wider for the other parts of my life that I just couldn't find energy for.

Our days have been to just get through it as best as we can. It was all about the basics and making Cedar as comfortable as possible. And can I just say what a rockstar he is? Truly...through it all, he has been charming and flirty and smiley and fun, despite the pain he has been in. I cannot even imagine the fun that will be had now once he gets better.

Boho Boy took this photo of him during a peaceful moment at a coffee shop last Sunday. It was our first breakfast out as a family. It was a dream come true for the Boho Girl.

Please light your candles, say your prayers, do a dance, think good thoughts for our sweet son as he is on the road to wellness. My whole heart is wrapped around his healing right now.

Ordinary Sparkling Winners*


swirly's book event at peachtree gallery in los angeles,
canon digital rebel xti

Hello lovelies ~
Thank you so, so much for your wonderful, creative, fun, open, enlightening comments! I so enjoyed pouring over your word(s). I read them to Cedar and he thinks you are all tres cool.

As much as I wish each of you could win, I want you to know that you are seen and heard and brave and so very appreciated.

Let's all gather together and congratulate our winners...

First Prize:
# 52 (Donna Heart) is the winner of the fabulous book Ordinary Sparkling Moments written by Christine Mason Miller. The bonus prezzie is a set of Swirly's gorgeous Ordinary Sparkling Moment postcards!

Second Prize:
Erin with Starving Artist Ink is the winner of my Boho Postcard Set! Your comment just made me feel all mushy and warm inside and I needed to hear it, journey sister. Thank you.

Donna & Erin, please send your mailing address to denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com.

Extra-Ordinary Sparkling News:
Those of you who did not win and would like to order Christine's book, you can order your own copy here. Through the end of February, she will include a free Ordinary Sparkling Moments postcard set as long as you enter in the word BOHO in the comments box when purchasing.

I have one of her postcard sets and they are GORGEOUS. I clipped them to a string and hung them on the wall of our hotel room when going through our adoption a few months ago. So very comforting and inspiring for us.

Here is Miss Swirly in action at a book event in Los Angeles telling one of my favorite stories from her book. Those of you that went to her book launch last year at Squam, feel free to share your experience when Swirly told this story about butterflies. Remember? It gave me chills.


swirly, canon digital rebel xti

a delicious GIVEaway...

Update: One more day, folks!!! Comments will be closed at midnight on Wednesday (or officially Thursday).

Rules:
Find out what we're giving away by watching my video.
To enter, you must leave a comment (one word or lots of words).
Comments are open until 12:00AM, Thursday, February 12th.

How winner is determined:
Boho Boy will not be reading the comments but will choose a random number from 1 to however many comments there are.

Juicy bonus:
There will be a bonus prezzie that will be sent to the winner along with the giveaway prize that I talk about in the video. You'll find out what that bonus prezzie is on Thursday.

Second Mini-Prize...just for fun:
A Boho postcard set will be sent to the commenter that moves me like none other. Whether it is funny, serious, poetic or whatever...get creative. No pressure. Just fun because the first prize is WAY cooler and all you have to do is leave a simple comment for that one. It could be one word if you want.

I am so loving the bags under my eyes in this video.
Yay for sleep deprivation!!!

{if you are unable to watch the video for whatever reason, do email me at denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com and i will let you know what it is}

a note from cedar*






boho girl's marmie & daddy with boho baby, canon 50d

Dear Grandma Marmie & Vu-Vu ~

Every day was a treat when you guys were here. I totally dig how I was the center of attention the WHOLE time. That is how I like it!

When you guys first walked in on the day you landed, I could tell my mommy has needed you both. Her eyes lit up and she took a deep breath and she hugged you longer than I've seen her hug anyone. I get the feeling whenever she is with you, it feels like home to her. She is still talking about when you guys were here and how much it meant to her to see you both fall more in love with me. I loved watching her face fill with tenderness when she watched us together.

But lets move onto me. ; )

I am still trying to remember the words to that French song you kept singing to me, Grandma Marmie. Mommy has tried but she sort of ruins it when she tries to get the accent straight. You do much better! I know her Memere used to sing it to her, so I am glad you are carrying on the tradition with me. This is cool...Omi speaks to me in German, you speak to me in French. I will totally be a bilingual baby and can put it on my resume.

I loved how in tune with me you were when I was getting gassy belly aches. You were so patient and loving and would get so excited when I burped or farted. I guess I should do it more often if you guys like it so much. My favorite part was when you would rock me in the rocking chair and snuggle your nose into my neck. You smelled good and your skin was soft and almost the same color as mine! I am used to being the white one around my home but you totally beat me.

And Vu-Vu...no one can make the sounds that come out of your mouth when you talk to me! I am totally mesmerized by them and keep waiting for daddy to do it. Mommy said you used to do that to her and my aunties when they were little too and it always made them laugh. So, when I start laughing in a few months, you will know how funny I think you are. I thought it was hilarious that our kitty Amber snuggled up to you the minute you sat in our leather Man Chair on that first night. She NEVER warms up to men but she dug you right away. Every night she would fight you for the ottoman and plop her furry body onto your legs and stare at you the whole night. She was majorly crushing on you and now she is mopey without you around. Come back soon or she might need to pop some kitty Prosac. Elvis misses you too. I thought it was fun when he would lay his paw on your shoulder and just chill. He does that to me too.

Thank you both for babysitting me last Friday night so mommy and daddy could go on a date. I've been wanting them to do that for a while now but I know they didn't want to leave me. I thought it was cool that they totally trusted you guys and then could relax and get all romantic (yuck!). They told me that they tried not to talk about me while out but ended up talking about me the whole time. Again...I am the center of attention and I LOVE IT.

I really miss you both. I miss your company, your smells, the way you snuggle me close. I miss your jokes and your love and the way you love my mommy and daddy. I miss watching you eat without a table because I know you're not used to that and it would make me smile. I miss the smell of Vu-Vu's creamy coffee he would bring over every night. I miss Grandma marmie's look on her face when she would try my mommy and daddy's yerba mate with rice milk and agave nectar.

I just miss you both...period. But I know you are back in your home, snuggling up to Callie-Lu and resting from it all. I just can't wait to see you when mommy brings me out to your home at the bottom of the Sierras. I am really looking forward to riding an airplane...vroom vroom!

Hugs, kisses and raspberries in your necks.

Love,
Cedar

ps. mommy misses how perfectly you clean the kitchen and fold laundry. ; )

{note from Boho: If you guys haven't noticed, we have WAY too much furniture for our loft and it is all improperly placed as a result. I just can't seem to get rid of my cool things and hey, some day I hope to fill an old home with it all. ; ) }

UPDATED ~Boho Photo Sessions ~ Squam ~ Fall 2009!


kelly rae roberts & mati rose at squam 2008, canon digital rebel xti

I have so many things to write about. Lots of juicy emotions to spill but before I do that this week, I felt it was a good time to announce this first...

I am currently booking artist photo sessions for those of you attending Squam Art Workshops in the Fall of 2009! I figure the most amazing place for me to photograph artists is an artist retreat, non? So apropos. I feel so blessed.

I am available for 1 - 2 hour sessions on location at Squam Lake on Thursday, September 16th and Friday, September 17th. I will try my best to coordinate with your classes. I love how this year we are all able to reserve "breathing space" in place of classes if we desire, so that we can roam the woods and meditate. Your breathing space may be a great time to come play in the woods and fields and lake with me and my lens.

I am offering a 20% discount for those attending Squam. My session prices are on the *details* page of my photography website (it takes a bit to load...please be patient...i am working on it).

This could be a wonderful way to jump start your new journey into being an artist. A way to claim who you are in the creative world. We can explore that together. If you are already established, it can also be a fabulous way to update your portraits on your websites, blogs, marketing materials, albums and upcoming author photos.

Another idea is to use this as an opportunity for a friendship photo shoot like I did with Kelly Rae and Mati Rose (photo above). I love what Kelly Rae wrote about her experience with me here and Mati's sharings here. I am excited that a few of the photos I took of them will be used in a publication soon. You never know what could unfold for you!

Squam is full of magic. Come join me in nurturing our creative journeys. You deserve it.

If interested, email me at denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com.

UPDATE: I want to clarify that I can only do sessions before and after classes or during your breathing space. It is important that I respect your talented and wonderful teachers by not having you leave early or show up late. I am booking up fast! Right now my only availability for 1 - 2 hour shoots is for Thursday, September 17th from 8:30am - 12pm.

my boys*



boho boy & boho baby, canon 50d

I'm feeling really romantic inside these days. Perhaps the fact that I am getting more sleep per night has opened up those reserves which hold parts of me that get lost in love, romance and intimacy.

My parents are here to visit (stories to come) and the other night we were all cuddled up watching a film together. In the dimly lit room, I looked over to my left and snuggled up next to me was boho boy and baby. I watched the two of my boys interact and how Boho Boy lovingly looked into our son's eyes. I felt a surge of absolute giddy romantic love for my husband. How beautiful he was to me. How perfect he was for me. How long we had waited to create a family together and to share our love with another little human being. And here it all was snuggled near me. I gently grabbed his face and said "I love you" and he said "I love you too" and the kiss we shared was pretty steamy (I am sure my parents pretended not to see).

You know, you rarely imagine yourself in a romantic steamy kiss with your husband when your baby is around but it was actually such a sweet, tender moment. I looked down at Cedar and he was wide eyed and smiley and blissed out. I felt that he fully got how important that moment was for me. How crucial it is for me to remain connected to that romantic girl wishing for romantic moments with her husband. I've felt disconnected from that part of me lately but it is resurfacing and the fact that we have a child brings it to another level that we can explore together.

I so love my boys. I love the way they look at me. I love how it's all in their eyes.

I'd also love to hear how you all brought romance back into your lives post baby... ; )

cedar meets momma zen*



karen maezen miller & cedar, canon 50d

My dear friend Maezen asked a while ago if I needed help because she wanted to come take care of me. She knows so intimately what new mothers experience. She wrote a book about hers. She's the one that has helped so many of us try to release all of our expectations and to be more gentle with ourselves. "Do you have food in your fridge?", she asked. "Can I help clean before your parents come?"

I cried when she asked. I cried because I knew I desperately wanted the help but also had my darn pride. I was afraid for her to see me in my pajamas with baby spit up all over me and my dishevelled hair and my less than perfectly clean house. I responded, telling her that I would just love her company and that she didn't need to do all those things for me. She was so patient with me. She knew and understood this pride...and it is the very reason why she wanted to offer her hand. She was there before and remembered she didn't always accept the help either. So, she gently offered me another option...a compromise, so to speak.

"I'll make you soup."

And that she did. She floated in the door with grocery bags full of the ingredients for her delicious Italian Wedding Soup. She hugged us, she got to work, she chopped and fried and filled up a pot while telling me stories with her peaceful, whispery voice. I sat on my couch, holding my babe, totally enveloped and awed at her grace and selflessness. I listened. I smelled the spices. I closed my eyes and surrendered and allowed someone to help me. I allowed the idea that at times, I will need help and that is okay. Accepting help feels good. Accepting help is community strengthened. Accepting help is feeling part of a sisterhood/brotherhood.

She walked out of our door having filled up and nourished our bellies, having listened and shared and reassured that all babies are different and there is no "one way" to do things. She didn't offer philosophies or advice but only loved and nurtured and guided us in a direction of trusting our intuition. She didn't offer solutions because in her mind, there are no problems.

Cedar was mesmerized by her. One of my favorite parts of our day together was when she was feeding him and talking with him and he stared up and into her eyes so intently. It was almost as if he was saying "I know, Maezen...I know." Such a Zen moment.

I am beyond grateful that because of our long fertility journey, I have connected with such extraordinary human beings and now that our sweet miracle is in our life, he too is blessed and nurtured by these connections.

And now I still enjoy the remnants of the day when I heat up her soup. I stir what is in my bowl and I remember the wisdom and love from that day and know that someday, someday, I will get the opportunity to give back and make soup for a friend in need.

a note from boho baby*





jen and cedar, canon 50d (click to englarge)

Dear Fairy Godmother ~

I was told in the land of spirit babies, long before I came into the world that I was going to receive a very rare and special gift when I came into my parents life.

That gift was a Fairy Godmother.

There was much talk up there about Fairy Godmothers and how magical they were but none of my spirit friends knew exactly what they looked like. We all imagined they may resemble what many of the stories here describe; Tiny, chubby, flying around with wings and magic wands and perhaps a little older like a Grandma. I tried not to be bummed about the idea of a tiny old lady flying around me all the time telling me what to do. I wanted to be a good sport and appreciate that I even have a Fairy G at all, you know? It's just that...I'm kind of a funky dude and I have a reputation to uphold and what would all my friends think if I hung out with an old lady all day?

I have been here for two months and have been waiting your arrival...not knowing how or when you'd come. Then I saw you for the first time last week walking up the stairs to the loft where I pretended to be sleeping. I peeked through my tiny chubby fingers that were over my eyes and what I saw totally blew me away. So much so, that I had a huge poopie diaper right then and there.

You were gorgeous. Not only gorgeous but super funky and cool. You were tall and modelesque and wore funky hip clothes and jewels. Your eyes filled with tears when you first saw me and then my heart totally came undone. It was love at first sight. My totally beautiful, fun, funny, smart, witty, crazy about me Fairy G was in the house!! I couldn't WAIT to tell my spirit friends in my dream how wrong we all were!!

And that I did. That night, when you told my parents to go to bed so that you could hang out with me all alone, get to know me and bond, I went right to sleep on your chest so that I could meet all my spirit pals in dreamland and brag about how awesome you were. You saw me laughing in my sleep, remember? That was because all of them told me how hot you were. No kidding, man...I'm now the talk of spirit baby land. I'm a rockstar there. Now they all want one!

I miss you already. I miss your smell. I miss your laugh and how you brought so much joy and sunshine into our home. I miss you telling me how adorable I am. I mean, I can't hear that enough. So, don't stop, k?

I loved how I saw a side of my mommy that I hadn't seen yet. Its been just her and me here at home while daddy is at work during the day. I saw how good it was for her to spend time with other people that are much like her. I guess I will start sharing her now because since you've been here, she seems even more filled up.

I know you're in my life for a reason. I know we have a destiny. I know my mommy, daddy and you felt that before I was born. I know I'll learn so much from you and that if anyone hurts me, you'll kick their bootie. I know that there are many videos to be made and songs to be sung and dances to dance together. I know there will be inside jokes and dress ups and wigs and paint. Something tells me that you'll be one of my very best friends. Well, you already are.

Perhaps next time you'll show me those wings you were hiding.

Not only am I the envy of all the dudes in babyland above....but I will be the envy of all the dudes in my schools growing up here. Cuz I've got a hot blond for a Fairy G.

Seriously. You rock the worlds of the Boho Fam.

We love you around these parts.

boho postcards*


set of ten 4 x 5 postcards sold at my shop

I'm so thrilled to begin my new journey with a new space and new and exciting pretties in my shop. For months now I have craved change for my blog both aesthetically and an expression of me that resonates more with who I am today. It has been ages since I have closed my jewelry shop "bohemian girl designs" and widened the path for my photography business "Boho Photography". I thought it was fitting for my blog now to reflect that name, that image, that feel and all the fresh new stuff in my life.

My previous blog will always be there for new readers to refer back to. You can find your way back by clicking the Vintage Chronicles button on my left sidebar.

It feels so wonderful to stretch my limbs and leap into the new year with skin that is shedding and renewing itself. These adventures will be about my new direction as a portrait photographer for artists, as well as experimenting with more fine art photography (new prints in my shop coming soon!).

My writings will be about my growing relationship with our sweet son, spilling my very honest and raw emotions that surround this very new path of parenthood. I will share the myriad of emotions that can surface in regards to adoption and the lingering thoughts and feelings that continue to surface from trekking a long road of fertility challenges.

The end of last year, I was approached by a publisher, whom I deeply admire, to write a book about my journey. I hope to share some of those peaks and valleys of the writing process with you. This will be my very first try at doing something so brave and yet frightening and I can imagine I'll need to let it all out here in this comfy space where I speak my truth.

With all that said, I wanted to start it all off with offering you new postcards in my shop. So many people have written me about wanting my prints but needing to save money, so I wanted to offer a less expensive option of everyone's favorites.

The set is a package of ten 4 x 5 postcards (2 each of the five different prints shown above) for $15 that you can mail to your friends with sweet love notes OR frame for your lovely home.

Just a little package o' boho from me to you.