early morning spilling*


photo by deb schwedhelm

I woke at 5am this morning with a deep yearning for quiet time. Hopefully a few hours before Cedar wakes, I decide to sacrifice sleep to fill my cup both literally and figuratively. A dear friend of mine that is a musician sent me an MP3 of a new song last week and I hadn't had a moment to listen to it yet. I poured myself a creamy cup of coffee (yes, I am drinking coffee again and loving it) and listen to her hauntingly smooth voice...over and over. Up in our loft, sun isn't coming through the arched windows yet, I have my earphones on. Well, half on one ear, the other is open and listening for the wee peep of a baby through the monitor that sits on my desk. I am still in my silky pajamas...straps, so that my skin can feel the morning crispness.

I'm alone. This is rare. So very rare these days.

As I write my friend an email, while listening to her powerful song, with tears brimming, I write this...

"feeling a little land locked and if i could describe another sensation, that many hands are pulling at me as i walk down a busy city street. i just feel like i am giving a lot and not getting time to fill up. today i decided to sacrifice sleep for a little sanity."

Somehow hearing her voice as I write to her, I feel as though she is curled up next to me and it is easier for me to spill the deep stuff I normally can't reach.

I don't think I am complaining about giving so much because I am not attaching much negativity to these sensations. Its just something I feel aware of this morning. I wonder if I feel it more because before this year happened, I had 36 years of only being responsible for myself. I had an abundance of time to care for me, to fill my cup, to seek, evolve, nurture. So much so that I remember telling my sister one day in the thick of our fertility journey; "I am tired of thinking of myself".

Of course now where I sit I understand that it is a balance I will need to learn. That in order to remain a fully present mother and wife, I will need to figure out ways to think of myself. ; ) I think this morning I just learned one way; get up early, when my boys are sleeping. Even if that means drinking a huge cup of coffee. It is worth it. And perhaps in a few years I can go about it in a more healthy way (like a tall glass of ice water or green tea or a jog) but for now a cup of sweet and creamy coffee is a delightful companion.

I'd love to hear your ways of how you take time to nurture you. Whether you're a mother or someone who feels pulled in many different directions in your life.

I already feel the hands that have been pulling at me start to let go. The busy street is fading and is now turning into a beautiful meadow with the most perfect tree to sit under and breathe. I hope to revisit this place tomorrow...even if just for a few minutes.

dreads!


photo from istock.com

Many of you yummies are asking if I indeed decided to get dreads. Well YES I have! Weeeee! I made the appointment to get crocheted dreadlocks for August 1st. I absolutely adore the stylist and we have exchanged a few emails and have had one juicy phone conversation. She is such a kindred! She has actually started to read my blog, which is super fun and wonderful because I will be sitting in her chair for up to 6 hours and we can get down to the real juicy juice now that knows much of my story. You know how new stylists ask you a plethora of questions about your life? Well, this allows space for her to share about her...which I will love more.

The photo I attached is the one I showed her that resonates with me most (the blond on the right). She loves it and said this is her favorite way of doing dreads; sort of a soft, natural, untamed, flowy and romantic look, much like hers are.

So, August 1st people!! Light your candles and send me some magic. I already bought my first dread bead to bring to the appointment for the one dread my stylist chooses. I want her to be the first friendship bead. My girly friends are each going to put one in my hair as well so I can carry around a little tribe of love in my new messy locks.

So ready for this new journey. I love my hair, always have and this is one way of loving it more. My hair and I have been longing for something new and funky and this just feels so right. My husband is excited too and I know, I KNOW Cedar will love to pull on them and teeth on the beads. So truly, fun will be had for all.

Thank you so much for your love and support through this decision making process. It meant the world to me to share it with all of you.

A friend of mine that lives in the city where I am getting them said she would document the process. I feel so blessed that she offered. I will be sure to share!

i like how you are!


a birthday kiss i sent to stacy via picture message on phone last week

I've been quiet here for a few reasons. One, our internet has been fickle. Two, I have been under the weather with a sore shoulder/arm from a heavy baby, as well as an endometriosis flare. Three, some emotions have surfaced and I needed to work through them in my sacred space before resurfacing.

Since the first few things are just physical and annoying, I want to share a bit about some tender feelings that have been spilling out of me the last few days.

I know I have shared here that I am carrying an extra 20 pounds on my petite bod that to me, represent weight from my fertility journey, the hormone treatments, my endometriosis that grew from the treatments and the depression. I have also shared that I am a lover of curves and that as tempting as it is to me in fleeting moments, I really prefer to not be really skinny but to embrace my DNA hips and bosoms and small waist (thank you, marmie for this gift).

I haven't put too much energy into any of this as it as unfolded because I was being gentle on myself. I realize I was going through a lot emotionally and I didn't want to put pressure on myself in other areas of my life because I felt so much pressure with trying to get pregnant. We were already trying a gazillion diets but the purpose was not to lose weight but to be clean and fertile.

Now that Cedar is in my life, I am more aware of this extra weight and really feel it. My energy levels are not what they used to be pre-fertility journey. Neither is my motivation to exercise and be fit. Two things that used to be a huge priority to me in my life in order to stay balanced emotionally and spiritually. My life is so full now taking care of a 20 pound little boy, keeping up the house, trying to manage my business and nurture my creativity. I need this extra energy. I need to feel better in my skin.

So, that's where I've been with it...knowing I need to make a few changes and being okay with that. But then a dark cloud hit and all this mucky muck surfaced and I fell into a head space that was spinning negatively. A few of my dearest friends have recently lost a lot of weight. Both of them on diets that take a lot of work physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was so stoked for them not only because they felt better in their skin but they needed it for their health and well being.

Of course me being the curious one, I thought to myself..."let me try, let me try!!!". And I did. I tried both diets and I just couldn't stick with them. The most recent one really rocked my world. I was set on doing it for three months because that is what my friend has done and its worked wonders for her. Four days into it, I was crying in my huge bowl of salad. The 6th one I had eaten in three days. I felt like my body was rejecting what I was putting in. Not because of withdrawal but because I am so in touch with my body and I knew it was telling me this wasn't right. I felt exhausted and depressed and moody and unhappy. My blood sugar felt screwed up. I was basically a weepy mess and my husband was concerned. So, we had a long talk yesterday morning and it all came pouring out.

As the feelings spilled, I realized yet again, I have such healing to do in regards to my fertility journey. Month after month friends suggested treatments that worked for them in regards to getting pregnant. Whether it was a diet or a meditation or what not and of course I tried it and of course it never worked. It always ended with a feeling of being left behind for me. Of course now in retrospect, they weren't supposed to work because Cedar was supposed to be my son and K was supposed to carry him and not me. So, I of course thought I was healed from those left behind feelings.

Not yet, I suppose. Once again, a few diets that have worked for my friends, didn't work for me and it resurfaced all of those feelings of failure and feeling left behind that I had felt before. I know these feelings aren't true. I know based on the outcome of my fertility journey that there is something so very perfect for me, for my body chemistry and it will all make sense in the end. What I just realized, I suppose, is there is healing to be done and gentleness to be had in regards to all of this.

There are moments when I can tap into the light within me and not focus on the extra weight I feel. Moments where I see what others see. Moments where I carry myself with confidence and strength and love and realize that this is where it is all at. Its not about my size...its about my heart and spirit.

The other day I was browsing around in the funky boutique. There was a tall beautiful Arabic man gracefully walking from fixture to fixture straightening all of the clothes. I remember I felt beautiful that day and I hadn't felt that way in a long time. I had taken time to curl up my hair and put on my new anthro shirt layered over a silk slip and linen pants. I felt a light about me. The weight of the world was off of my shoulders for a moment. I was feeling so very present and grateful. He approached me and fanned his hands up and down the air in front of me and said "I like how you are!!!" I giggled and then we giggled and I thanked him, letting him know how wonderful it was to hear this.

He didn't say "you are beautiful" or "what a great outfit". He said "I like how you are!". It was such an all encompassing compliment that meant so much more than something surface. I will never forget those words because it helped remind me that beauty is so within and when you FEEL good, no one looks at your extra 20 pounds. They look at the light inside of you and how you carry yourself and express yourself. I think this is why sometimes I can pull my extra 20 lbs off in my world but most of the time, it gets to me because sadly enough, it is rare these days that I feel balanced emotionally like I did in that boutique.

But I am coming back and one of my dearest hot foodie friends is going to help me create a "Love Myself" lifestyle change (she loathes the word diet) that includes lots of pleasure and fun and creativity. Just the way Boho likes and needs it! We are all so unique, aren't we? Its okay that one thing works for one and not the other, although I do realize there are basics that are needed in all things. We are never left behind. We just need to open our eyes to the different path that is meant just for us. I look forward to this new juicy path.

Speaking of pleasurable and fun...I just love this angle of me and the little dude that I took this morning and wanted to share:

7 months*

cedar {7 months}
cedar, 7 months, canon 50d

Its beginning to truly sink in how much my baby boy has grown. His baby face is becoming less baby and more boy. His feet dangle over the car seat because he's growing so tall. He fits into 6 - 9 month clothing and they are snug on him. He is in size 4 diapers because his booty is getting super bubbly. His hair is beginning to grow over his ears and flip up and naturally part in the middle. And this is just his appearance.

If I begin to share about his delightful personality that is developing I'll start crying. Oops, too late. Tears are already present. I tried.

He's just...well, just...unique in spirit I suppose. But every mother feels this way, I know. He has this pure joy about him that touches people. Whenever I take him out, if they are not commenting on what a pretty girl he is (even if I put him in blue...hee hee), they are saying that he is such a happy, joyful baby. And he is. Always smiling. Smiling with his whole body, with his mouth open wide and his hands clasped to his chin. Smiling like this while gazing deeply into the person's eyes. People walk away feeling loved and special and cared for and important. How they should always feel, really...but Cedar has a gift to show them in an instant.

He's also very affectionate. He loves to stroke our face and neck and arms like a person in love with their lover. When I lay him down for a nap and move him on his side towards me, he immediately grabs my face...one hand on each side, places his forehead on mine and holds tight until he falls asleep. I look forward to this three times a day. It often makes me cry and his face gets all wet but he doesn't mind. He just breaths deep and gets it. He gets how long we've been waiting for one another and he never questions the tears. He even sometimes wipes them for me. He's been waiting too and perhaps this is why he clings so tightly. Finally, finally...we are together...thank you mommy and daddy for enduring all that pain. For sticking it out. For holding onto hope that I would come someday. Here I am. Lets marinate in it together.

He is 7 months old, right? So often we hear that he is an old soul.

cedar {7 months}
cedar, totally posing for mommy

He is now doing this adorable diddy where he sings vowels. "Ahhhhhh"...."Ohhhhhh"...."Eeeeeee", along with his huge body smile and his arms waving and drumming his hands on whatever is in front of him. It totally cracks us up. He's already a rock star.

His attention span is unbelievable. It actually weirds people out sometimes. If I have a friend over, he can sit on my lap and listen to us chatter on. He just observes and silently participates in the communication. If we have those nights where we are totally worn and need to veg out on a show, his eyes are glued to the telly until the show is finished. Its wild and we often shake our heads, knowing this isn't normal. Babies can't typically sit through an episode of In Treatment where two people are sitting on a couch in therapy for 30 minutes straight, right? ; )

He's learned the sign for "milk", so we now know when he is thirsty. Now we're working on the sign for "food" and next will be "mommy" and "daddy". You keep doing it and think to yourself, "how will he ever get this?" and so, the first time he signed "milk" we were totally blown away.

This isn't about me bragging or boasting about my child. This is me being totally in awe and feeling so absolutely humbled that we were chosen to be his parents. I just feel he has some awesome work to do on this planet and that raising him is crucial to all of this. I often try to not be overwhelmed by the task but to just love him fiercely and with total abandon and know that this love is what is going to teach me how to teach him.

He's just so precious to us. He's sleeping now and I miss him and want to go wake him up just so I can get drunk again with his gorgeous, soulful eyes. But I'll be a good mommy and let him rest. Or I'll just lay there quietly and stare without him knowing. I don't know how many times I do that rather than all the other things I should be doing while he's sleeping. ; )

happy birthday schmoops*


stacy anne de la rosa, canon 50d

Happy Birthday, my sister~friend.
You've had me since hello. Truly had me.

I'll save my gushing about you, for a sobbing phone call. You know...the call where I freak you out because as I am crying and telling you how fabulous you are and you begin to feel stalked and smothered but you love me anyways.

I'm not quite sure what I'd do without you. I'd probably not feel as complete as I do now.

Am I sounding too much like the Jerry Maguire film?
That's love, baby.

Send Schmoops some squishy bday lovins here.

cool little dude*


cedar {7 months} at park a few days ago, taken with phone

"I'm too sexy for this park. "

Loving his shades and his adorable Cedar onesie designed by auntie Christine just for him.

Couldn't resist sharing this! Don't you just want to chew on his baby cuteness? He's usually all smiles, so that is why this photo cracked us up. He just seems to pose when I start taking photos. Perhaps because he was born with a camera constantly in his face! ; )

canada*


boho boy walking in downtown Victoria, B.C., 2008

Happy Canada Day!

Boho Boy and I have been celebrating Canada from afar, watching Sarah McLachlan sing on stage in the nations capitol of Ottawa. We are blessed to have Canadian satellite that connects us to my husband's country. He often gets homesick and watching Victoria and Vancouver news softens the blow. I am continually blown away at how much more positive their news and media is than here.

I'm not surprised I married a Canadian. My great grandparents on my mother's side are from Montreal, Quebec, so French Canadian roots are in my blood. Not many of you know this about me. ; )

I've been under the weather the last few days and observing how patriotic Canadians are brought me to tears many times and infused a bit of healing into our home.

To all you Canadians out there...I have a huge soft spot for you. Super mushy gushy spot. You are an inspiring, bright, kind, tolerant, cultural, intelligent, sensitive, beautiful people.

Winner*


cedar & me, taken with phone yesterday

Heather and I so enjoyed reading all of your comments. We are grateful to each of you for spreading your beauty and pouring droplets of encouragement into her heart as she transitions into her new life.

Although it was so hard for her to choose and she wanted to send each of you gifts of her art, there is one comment that spoke closely to her heart. How she wishes she will come to the place that this lovely woman has with her move...

The winner is Hayley, that said...

my husband and i moved from our lifelong home of indianapolis to charlotte 3 years ago this weekend...and it finally feels like home. i'm to the point now where i think even if we were able to move home, i'm not sure i would want to.

a year in, i felt like i started seeing familiar faces when i was "out and about". two years in i felt the muscle memory and familiarity that comes from driving the same roads day after day. now, three years into this adventure, i feel that i have deeply rooted relationships that i would mourn the loss of should we ever move.

charlotte is a good place to be--thats what i'm thinking today. :)

Hayley, please contact me at denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com and send me your mailing address. Congratulations!

Dear beauties...I may be a wee bit absent for a few days. I am dealing with a bit of exhaustion and am needing to rest up and gather my reserves to take care of my darlings. Today is Boho Boy's birthday, so we are spending our day today marinating in all the reasons we love him so.

{random side note:: will the lovelies that have scheduled sessions with me at Squam in September, please contact me? i switched personal emails and with it, my whole calendar went "poof" and i no longer have access to the session info (i know...me so smart). thank you!}

Sponsor GIVEaway*



12x12 on wood panel, "to connect" by Heather Murphy

I met Heather when she graciously reached out and asked me to be part of a cool website project called "the good heARTed" where she helps support/promote artists of all mediums. I was honored, truly honored to be included. I also resonated so deeply with her passion to support artists, as that is one of the many reasons I love photographing them.

This week we are giving away one of her beautiful pieces of art (shown above). But first, I'd love for you to meet Heather and hear some of her sharings...

self portrait of heather

I am a artist + web designer living in Charlotte, NC. I receive much
joy from playing with bits and pieces to create works of art with my
mouse and my paintbrush! I am inspired by nature and in ordinary
moments in my day. I believe there is a special magic in using old
photographs, letters and pages from old books in my work. Stories
unfold and I some how relate my work to where I am in my life too. I
believe in listening to good music, going outside the lines and
getting lost in the woods.

My recent pieces have been a reflection of my current "journey".
having recently moved from Minneapolis, MN to Charlotte, NC I am
trying to embrace the deep sadness, excitement, finding new
communities, staying connected with my friends in MN, etc.

It is easy for me to think about the life I moved from and to focus on
what life will be like here once we are settled (living in an
apartment temp), but I am grateful for the moments when I can pause
and see the beauty in the "transition", even when it feels messy,
stressful, like we made a mistake, I will see or hear something that
brings me into the moment and I trust that I am right where I need to
be, there are some rich moments that emerge from these experiences.
Today for instance I intentionally just got lost and ended up in this
neighborhood where there was this empty lot in the middle of things
and there pairs of blue chairs randomly placed in the lot. And again,
I was reminded and felt peaceful.

Rules:
Please leave a comment to enter
One comment per person
You may leave one word or share inspiration/feelings/thoughts
Comments will be open for entry Tuesday, June 23rd - Saturday, June 27th
Winner of her gorgeous art will be announced on the following Monday
Have fun!

first father's day...


my yummy boys today, taken with phone

Today Boho boy's heart swelled. He woke up to his very first and long awaited Father's Day. He sat up in bed first thing this morn' and moved down over near me with his tousled hair and a big grin. I said in a sleepy (and probably slightly grumpy voice because mommy's not a morning person), "Happy Father's Day...can I sleep some more?" hee hee.

I ended getting up because his happiness was contagious and Cedar was awake and we brought him into bed with us and it was a sweet snuggle. So, I made Boho Boy his favorite yerba mate with rice milk and lots of agave nectar and our sweet day began.

Midday, there was this conversation, him up in the loft and me down below...

Boho Boy: "Honey, you should go for a pedicure and to see a film."
Me: "What?!?!? Honey, its YOUR day! You get to do whatever you want!"
Boho boy: "After I get home from my massage, I want you to go...you deserve it."
Me: "OKAY!!! Happy Father's Day!" {insert huge grin}

Although, I decided not to go. I know I needed it but on this day, it didn't feel right. Today isn't about me and I really wanted to be with my boys and marinate in a surreal sort of day together.

I have learned such unselfishness from my husband and as I wrote in his card that he opened today, I so love observing him as a father. So in tune, so in love, so playful and teachable with his son. I learn...I learn a lot and this is exactly what I dreamed of in a partnership.

Happy first Father's Day my love.

{oh and he's so smart because i do deserve it, so am going tomorrow instead...hee hee}

squishy kissy mornings*




cedar & me, taken with cell phone

This is what I look forward to every morning. When Cedar wakes and I bring him over to the magic blue couch. I lay him on my chest and we snuggle...snuggle hard. He squishes his face and forehead against mine and sucks on my cheeks with baby kisses. Then he sighs a really big sigh and mellows out while playing with my hair. Gentle strokes. On my hair, on my face or my eyelids. Its always gentleness in the morning and late night (the afternoons, he likes to squeeze and pinch and pull on my face not so gently).

This is just our time. While daddy is opening the library at the wee hours of the morning, mommy and Cedar are soaking up every morsel of the morning breeze, the smell of skin and the comfort of a love that feels indescribable. These are moments I have dreamed of for years and moments I will never take for granted.

The other day I tried to capture it with my phone, so that I could share it with my family.

red tent*


photo by deb

Every other month, for one week, I feel like I am living in a different mind and body. PMS...I live it, breathe it, feel it...it is so real. After over 20 years of this, you'd think I'd become more comfortable with it. Not so much. Probably because I am a glass half full kind of person (I know, annoying) and I tend to look for the rosy posy in all situations but when this hormonal week hits, its all doom and gloom baby. It is such an out of body experience for me...how aggravated, irritated, short-tempered, tender, angry, irrational I can be about almost every. single. thing. I mean, I even cried because someone honked at me yesterday. I cried when a neighbor that I hardly know said to me..."what's your name? I forgot your name!" I walked away thinking to myself..."see? you're totally forgettable!" I laugh now. We laugh now but at the time, the world thought I was forgettable and that was such dread for a few hours.

My dear patient husband. So many months he has taken this ride of hormones with me and has tried his personal best not to take stuff personally and I bow to him for such expertise in the land of women. I remember reading a blog entry by Keri Smith, who has a stellar relationship with her husband much like I do and she opened up about how bad her PMS was. She said..."A week before my cycle, every month, I think I want to divorce my husband." I giggle at this and I wouldn't go as far as wanting to divorce Boho Boy, but I am extra hard on him and bring to surface all these things that any other day are not at all a big deal. Then as soon as my cycle starts, I look at him like he is the most amazing man in the world and I see all his beautiful goodness and I feel blessed beyond measure and madly in love love love (and want to rip his clothes off...ovulating much?).

Girls...we so need to go back to the days at the beginning of time when women had a Red Tent to retreat to, where they could be together during their cycle and cry and whine (while drinking wine) and bitch and moan and cry and cry. But also a time to be totally vulnerable and raw and open to the wisdom of other sisters. A time to connect and sooth and renew and reveal. Instead, we are having to function as we always are, when what we really want to do is crawl into that red tent and hang out for a while.

Today, as I was driving and on the verge of tears, I noticed a car in the lane on the right to me. The license plate read "Peace XO". There were pretty multi-colored daisy and peace sign decals all over each side of the car. When we pulled side by side at a red light, I looked through the drivers window and saw a fiery redhead with short curly locks and a funky hippy shirt on. She reminded me of the beauty of my marmie. Her head was bobbing to music and her red plump lips against her white skin had a smirk. A very confident, sure of herself, in her own little world of bliss smirk. She then glanced over at me (probably just realizing a stalker was observing her groove) and I got so nervous that I giggled and waved. Then she waved back with a huge grin, turned away and continued grooving. SHE MADE MY DAY.

She was my red tent.

Some magic and soul for you...from my delicious sister friend lover woman that I miss and get to snuggleupagainst soon.

Jonatha is the only close person in my life that has met Cedar's birth parents. It truly bonded JB and I in a way that words cannot describe. It was a doorway into our lives that otherwise K and T wouldn't have known. It was a comfort. It was a beautiful and significant piece of our home that felt good and safe to share with K and T. Just that at least one person in our life experienced the rare and beautiful connection we shared as adoptive/birth parents to Cedar leaves a sweet imprint within our story.

When Jonatha hugged K and T for the first time, it was emotional and beautiful and surreal for us all. It was so wonderful to be be able to snuggle up with Jonatha in the hotel later that evening and talk to her about our excitement, our fears and the absolute wildness of it all. I will forever be grateful for her support during a time that felt wobbly and new and heart soaked.

We love you over here, JB. I have a feeling Cedar will grow up learning to write songs because of you. He is so drawn to the sound of a guitar...and your voice along with it.

the dreads i've been dreaming of...


a very kind friend + a crochet hook = neat dreadlocks!
Originally uploaded by frais

Boho Boy found this photo for me on flickr. He is so awesome at finding what I want on the internet! I am looking for images of crocheted dreadlocks to give to the stylist when I go to get them done. I am feeling pretty particular about the more dainty size and cleaner look. The dreads this woman has is so what I've been imagining in my head, for my head. Thanks honey!

Yum dilly yum yum.

vulnerable bits.

deb schwedhelm
deb, canon 50d

The last few posts on my blog has caused an interesting stir. Mostly so very empowering for me and others to talk about dreams we don't want to let slip by us. That when we are rocking in that chair with our grey hair and beautiful wrinkles, we will be smiling more as we reflect on all we've experienced rather than filled with regret that we didn't try that one (or two or ten) wild and hopeful ride(s) of whimsy.

I felt a bit misunderstood at times and that's okay. I realize that while I am in this new space in my life as a mother and an artist and a wife, friend, daughter, sister...that in between trying to balance all of it, I am going to struggle with expressing myself articulately. For example, in sharing my new journey of dreadlocks to be, I wasn't sharing to ask permission but simply to share my thoughts of why I desire them and the fears I have too. I also wasn't saying that I curl my hair because that is what I feel people expect of me. If I do anything, it is because it is something I myself love. I love my curls but I also know I no longer have time for them. I must get a new do that expresses my style but also lends to fullness and fun. Dreads! Weee!

I realize I never should feel I have to defend myself, as long as I know who I am and so do those closest to me. I am sure it is obvious to my readers that my reactions are a result of feeling a bit vulnerable right now. I fully and wholeheartedly admit that. Its not a vulnerable space filled with a lot of pain as it used to be going through fertility. Its more just a vulnerable space of traveling through a brand spankin' new journey of being fully responsible for a very dependent wee human that I love with every morsel of my being. This on top of other huge life happenings like my book and a project that I am pouring much of my heart into. These types of delving in will cause tender emotions to surface. Sometimes wee little meltdowns where I wonder if it is just all too overwhelming at this time in my life. But whenever I think of not doing these important, life shifting projects, something doesn't feel right. I feel as though I am answering a call. A call that has to do with my life purpose and as it is bubbling inside of me with inspiration, I must keep walking. All the while learn how to be a kind, soft, loving, present mother to one of the most amazing little boys in the Universe.

What I am constantly coming back to with all of this is that I just need to be gentle on myself. I don't have ample moments that I once had to work and so I am learning to set aside special times (cedar's nap & bed time and my one Sunday per week at a coffee shop). I am learning that if inspiration comes to me and I am feeding my son, that I just need to say it out loud, so I will remember to jot it down later. Its a whole new way of being a creative person. I don't at all have it figured out and I can imagine I never will quite arrive at figuring it out, so I am okay with the messy parts.

I am a bit worn from it, in a good way because it is all for the sake of love soaked goodness but of course it is going to cause vulnerability to be present.

Thank you to all of you for your support on my dreadlock journey. Thanks to those of you that shared different opinions, gently. Thanks to all of you for being patient as I learn my way around this thing called motherhood. I always appreciate having a space to spill where like minds circle and celebrate change, including the vulnerable bits.


photo by deb schwedhelm

The decision has been made. What made it easier was that a sweet woman directed me to a salon, somewhere outside of California, that does dreads the way they do it in Thailand. Crocheted deliciousness. I have decided to get smaller dreads as well, so that it is more flowy...and more my style. The salon has a very gentle, empathetic, warm approach to the process, offering phone counseling for questions and creative ideas to suit each person. They are very thorough about what I will experience week one through week eight and beyond and how they will support the journey. I am so very impressed.

My darling Dread Head kit will be returned (unless someone wants to buy it from me...let me know). I still would like to have a dread party. A ceremony of sorts with some lovelies. Stacy thought of a sweet idea where they could each bring a bead to put on their favorite dread. I love that idea. I would be carrying around a tribe of friendship gems in my hair.

This has been a very tender process for me. Especially the last few days after sharing it with all of you. I try to be thick skinned in regards to the Internet and being open and vulnerable, knowing that there will be people out there that will not be so gentle in return. With each post and each anonymous comment laced with sarcasm, jealousy or harshness, I walk away knowing it isn't personal. Knowing that there is always a root which has nothing to do with me and everything to do with what they are going through. I try to empathize with that person and wish that they will occupy their moments with fulfilling their own dreams and desires rather than spending a single second on little old me and my heart wishes and spillings.

Although, to be bashfully honest, the past few days I haven't felt so thick skinned. It hurts a wee bit when people tell me something along the lines of me getting dreads would be "trying too hard to be boho" and suggest that I "just be me". This among other things said. All I can say is that if you have been reading my blog for a few years, you would know that I don't know how to be any other way...but me. You would also know that my whole point in doing this is that I don't want my long flowy hair to define me. I don't want dreadlocks to define me. I don't want my hair to define me at all. I am Denise...I am Boho Girl regardless if I have hair or not. Boho is my soul, my heart, my way of being...not my appearance. Even though I express myself in a unique way with my clothing and hats or what have you, anyone that knows me and loves me doesn't look at those things. They see my heart. My spirit. My soul.

I realize full well that by putting my heart out here, I am taking huge risks with being misunderstood. I am also opening myself up to opinions that differ and perhaps may even hurt. That's okay. I've been writing a blog since December, 2005. I get that and embrace it as part of the process. But today I just felt like voicing that it isn't always easy to shake it off, especially when it is about tender stuff. Today was one of those days.

With all of that said I know many of you gentle, loving supporters will tell me it was unnecessary to defend my feelings on this. I agree with you. But sometimes a girl just needs to get it off of her weighted chest and most of you know I am all about releasing it for the greater good of peace and balance in my life and home. Having spilled this, I am wiping my hands of it and moving one step forward at a time. The comments that do resonate with me are so very powerful in a sense that you are all echoing my heart and lifting up my soul. The comments that don't resonate, I will not allow to take away any power from me. A huge lesson throughout life, non?

On a lighter note. My heart has filled up and is fluttering. I always feel like this when I make a decision that is truly magical and represents a beautiful transition in my life. How perfect was it that Deb took all these romantic photos of me before I flew to a salon to get dreads? I will always cherish these images of my hair blowing in the wind. A sweet smelling wind telling stories of a girl that once was and a woman that now is.

a dose of cedar cuteness*


cedar and me, canon 50d

I leave you this weekend with a dose of Cedar cuteness. This was taken after a morning feeding. Oh how I love snuggling up to him in his Tucker Sling & Wedge. Comfy for both mommy and baby. ; ) I just cannot get enough of all of his facial expressions. This is his uber excited pose. Wide eyed with flapping arms. Seriously? He melts me.

Oh, and Cedar wanted to add his thoughts on my dread post below. "I want a mommy with dreads cuz they'd be fun to pull and chew on."

Just had a thought. They should make teething dread beads, non?

Have a love-soaked weekend.

to dread or not to dread*


self portrait taken today of pretend dreads, via cell phone
(click for larger view)

I've had a fantasy for years. Me and and long dreadlocks tresses filled with pretty beads and headwraps. I was inspired by this hair style while living in Berkeley, California (of course) and have wanted to do it since. Although, I kept putting it off and off and off...and then I befriended gorgeous Em last year and that was it. Seeing her hair, touching it, smelling it (hee...it smells so good) and photographing it confirmed that this passion to express myself in this way is still living in my heart.

Although, I've had some fears and it wasn't until this week, when I actually ordered my Dread Head kit and started dreaming of a ceremonial Dread Party I could have with my girlies, that the fears came to surface. You see...one thing people have always noticed about me is my hair. My feminine, loose, long, flowy hair. So, in a sense, I have sort of hid behind it. Often wondering if I would be pretty without it. Wondering if that is the only thing that is really pretty about me at all. I rarely put my hair up because I feel self conscious about my face sometimes. I just never felt I was that girl that looked that great with her hair up. So, I would take time each day to spiral my wavy hair with a curling iron, so that it would fall around my cheeks, the way everyone loves it. It has pretty much become a sort of identity for me and my boho-ness and I think I am getting a wee bit too attached to my locks.

I think about those women that shave their head to feel liberated. To not hide behind their hair and what society feels a woman should look or be like when it comes to beauty. I also think about those women that slowly lose their hair from illness and the identity crisis they have to move through to embrace the new them. I admire these women. I want to sit in a circle with them and hear all about their process of discovering their beauty within without their beloved hair.

Having dreads will not only express a part of me that has always been there...but it will help me to embrace other parts of me. I imagine that while having my sweet Cedar, it will be up in a messy bun or pony most of the time and I would have to grow to accept and love my face and the parts I tend to hide behind. It will add texture and volume, which I always try to get with my curling iron and I am SO tired of my curling iron! It will also give me an opportunity to be more creative with beads and head wraps and shapes.

My husband is being so very supportive. His mindset is very similar to mine in that it will be a good exercise of not attaching myself to one way of being. Meaning, I don't have to have soft, flowy, spiral locks to be feminine and bohemian. He tells me he would find me sexy if I was bald (what a good man) and that he doesn't run his fingers through my hair anyways because I rarely brush it. ; )

People have an illusion about dreadlocks being smelly and messy and unclean. I think it just depends on the person and who they are and what they are comfy with. Dreadlocks are supposed to be washed with special shampoos and there are products to make them soft and smelly good, which makes me happy because I know that will be important to me.

So, I haven't' done this yet. I will receive the Dread Head kit next week. I can always change my mind...and I have plenty of time to think about it.

The thing is...I don't want to be rocking in a chair when I am older and grayer and always wondering what it would have been like to have dreadlocks. I don't want to have to wonder. I want to live the dreams I can live. And if I do indeed love them, how beautiful would an old woman with gray dreadlocks be? And if I don't love them, I will chop my hair and let it grow again. While the thought of chopping it off scares the heck out of me, it also confirms how very attached I am to my hair.

So, today, after putting Cedar down for a nap, I went up to the loft and sat in front of my mirror. I twirled little chunks of hair and banded them in two places. Here is a photo of my pretend dreads. To give me and you and idea of what it might be.

Bob Marley was playing in the background of course. ; )

Here are two lovely ladies and their fun slide shows of their dread stories...
My Dreadlock Journey
My Dreadie Adventure

How fun would it be to wear her headbands and hats during the transition (and after)? Weee.