blue poppy...a drowsy fabulist.

elizabeth maccrellish {blue poppy}, canon 50d

"What we see isn't in things, but in our souls."
~ Salvador Dali

Elizabeth is the brainchild behind Squam Art Workshops, she is the creator of all things Squamesque. She had a vision, she followed the dream, she gathered like minded spirits to make it happen and last year was the first try. Now it is a revolution drawing kindred spirits from all around the world. It is a dazzling woodsy art gathering of all things creative and soulful. She took the leap and now because of her bravery, we have all been inspired to spread our wings.

Most Squamettes see her gracefully running around all week, checking in with students and teachers and camp staff to make sure all is well and flowing as it should be. Because she is the director so to speak, she doesn't have the luxury of gazing at stars on the dock or resting on a hill overlooking the lake or breaking bread with those she's been longing to connect with. Of course she is okay with this. She is one of the most selfless souls I know. Stepping back and observing all that is transpiring and seeing the beauty of what lies in front of her is what fills her soul during those five days. I liken it to the conductor of an orchestra. She gently guides, yet encourages each of us to play our instrument and create gorgeous harmonies together.

Elizabeth and I set aside some time together for a photo session away from Squam. She drove me to her breathtaking home in the woods, at the end of a woodsy road, overlooking Squam Lake. "This is me...this is who I am...I am a drowsy fabulist, you know..." she said to me with her arms wide open as to show me the view around her home. It is a side of her that most do not see and I felt honored, so honored to witness her melt into her couch out on her porch and snuggle her puppies and take deep long breaths and close her eyes. No one was calling her name. No one was needing her direction or her positive peace-keeping energy. It was just her and me and the breeze and silence. She let me lay her down in quiet and stroke her forehead so that she would release. She let me twirl her hair with my fingertips and place the curls where they were prettiest. "Yes, this is who you are, Elizabeth...a serene, soft, beautiful, peaceful, soulful, changer of hearts and souls...".

Even writing about it, I have tears. Those few hours were a precious gift to me. I needed some time away from the overwhelming outpouring of love that is Squam. I needed a safe place to digest it all. I needed to be reminded of why I do what I do. Why this is my gift...seeing people and allowing them to feel seen and understood and with it all...feel truly magnificently beautiful in front of my lens.

When we were finished with the session, we sat in her kitchen drinking spicy hot cocoa and sharing what the last few days had made surface in our hearts. We talked about our dreams we are now inspired to manifest. I remember how she was sitting there on the kitchen stool with a glow around her...she was almost whispering to me. It made me realize how very much she gave to all of us at Squam when her natural way of being is in such quiet, such meditation in her home. At times our eyes would well up with tears in those moments we felt safe to tell one another what we loved about each other. There is something about the magic of the woods that lets these thoughts spill. Thoughts you may otherwise keep to yourself. But in these woods, in the walls of her bright windowed home, it seems senseless to not share such things.

On the last morning at breakfast, she came up to the table where I was eating. She kneeled down on the ground and while looking up at me with her crystal blue eyes said; "You opened me up..." and she had tears. Then I had tears and we hugged and that is all that needed to be said.

On the plane ride home, I kept thinking to myself..."I wish others at Squam could see this side of her...the drowsy fabulist that she knows herself to be."

Then, a few days later, I saw this photo when I uploaded it to my computer and I put my hand on my heart and took a deep breath and called my husband over and said..."This is her...this is Elizabeth."

10 months today.

cedar & me today

I know this photo is completely out of focus and the Buddha art on our wall is hanging crooked (which is awesome...just keeping it real) but I just had to post it because of Cedar's expression as soon as he saw the red timer light on the camera. He is SUCH a little ham when we start clicking. Perhaps because he's had this huge black lens shoved in his face since the moment he was born.

Today he is 10 months old and I just feel the need to share about him. Over the last few days since I arrived home from Squam, we've been a bit attached to the hip. I had never been apart from him since birth (with the exception of errands and a few 2 hour dates with the hubs). We went from always being together to five days not together and it was tough on our hearts. Although being surrounded by artists and girlfriends in the woods was so healing and needed for mommy to rejuvenate, at night when all was quiet, I was deeply missing my boy and silently shed some tears in my pillow. We have a deep bond, him and I...and it goes beyond the mother/son relationship of fulfilling basic needs. He has this old soul spirit about him and being in his presence is so healing (and addicting). Its the spirit I was always connected to long before he came into my life but now he's just in the flesh. My family jokes around about calling him "baby Jesus" because he just seems to heal those he comes in contact with...both strangers and loved ones.

He did wonderful with daddy and Omi while mommy was away. So wonderful that a vulnerable part of me wondered if I was imagining this close connection him and I shared. I was happy that all was going well and that he was taking long naps and smiling, laughing and living brightly during those days without me but the selfish, irrational part of me wanted to be missed. I didn't know what to expect when seeing him at the airport. Would he just glance away? Would he ignore me? Be resentful that I left? Indifferent? These were fears I shared with a few cabinmates while snuggled up on our beds eating chips, hummus, cheese and grapes. Tears were shed as I shared how important it is I feel connected to him as a mother, especially being that I didn't carry or birth him. When these emotions surfaced, they surprised me but they needed to spill and they were received with such gentle open arms in the four walls of my cabin room.

So, the day I arrived home I was hanging out at baggage claim and I felt a poke in my back and I turned around to see my gorgeous tall husband standing there holding Cedar. Cedar was in an adorable pageboy hat with his big soulful eyes and he smiled big and said "mum!" with his hand stretched towards me. I melted...totally utterly melted. I grabbed him, kissed my husband romantically good and then didn't let go of Cedar the rest of the night. Boho Boy and I were cracking up at how joyful he was that I was home. He even squealed when I'd look over at him on the drive home from the airport. Okay, okay...so, we do have a deep connection and I was just being silly. Note to self: trust your heart.

Saying "mum" so clearly was a wee milestone for Cedar. He hasn't said words yet. He does the typical..."babababa" or "mumumumum" or other similar sounds. So, it was a delicious moment. A woman standing near us at baggage claim leaned towards us and said "that was priceless...all is better now." She saw me tearing up as I held him.

Another thing I wanted to share about Cedar that I find adorably cute is that he is a scooter. He refuses to crawl and all he wants to do is scoot, scoot, scoot on his bubble butt all around our hardwood floors. Its hilarious to watch. Must get it on video for you folks.

And lastly...he has the best chunker legs ever. He fits into 12 months pants and that rocks my world. So much to snuggle and squeeze and nibble.

Today I took him to Whole Foods and this dude covered in tattoos head to toe (and all around his face) approached us. He placed his head down close to Cedar's and said "you're the most adorable guy I've ever seen" and where I think most babies (and mommies) might have pulled back because lets be honest, this man looked a bit scary, Cedar put his hands up to his face to stroke his cheek. The dude got all misty and it made me misty. Seriously...baby Jesus, right? ; )

Happy 10 months baby...you truly are the brightest beacon in our lives.

squam.

kiss sent to my family via my phone on second day of squam

Many people coming back from Squam (both Summer & Fall sessions) speak of a magic that dazzles the woods. For those that have not been there yet, I can imagine they wonder what that really means. Last year at Squam, my heart and soul were consumed with wondering if I would get a phone call that our birth mother was in labor (she was predicted to have a preemie but ended up not). It was difficult for me to stay present. I felt the magic, the heart swooning, the connections, the beauty...but I am not quite sure if I listened to all that surrounded me intently enough. I am not sure I felt it as deeply as it danced around me.

This year was different. I walked on the gravelly dirt paths surrounded by trees, leaves and bark with a more peaceful, quiet spirit. I found myself just be-ing moment to moment. I heard the wind harmony of song through the leaves. I allowed for complete quiet at night, tucked in bed without needing to fill it with noise. I observed connections happening around me without feeling the need to be part of it. It was just beautiful to observe. If I did happen to be part of a deep soul friendship connection, I marinated in it without allowing the huge crowds to distract me. This way of being is home to me and it feels like years since I have come to this space of comfort within.

I remember my dear friend Jen coming up to me after a few days in the woods..."you seem so good...just coasting, just okay with everything." I knew what she meant. She observed me walking softly after years of observing me wanting to walk softly but being unable to. Others that have been part of my journey noticed too and rather than pull me aside and ask me a plethora of questions as to how or why I am in this space...they just let me be.

There were women from last year that from afar I knew were kindred spirits. Last year I was afraid to nurture those connections because they were mothers. It was hard to sit in the spaces of mothers sharing stories about their children. I protected my heart so much from anything that would surface icky hurty stuff when I yearned to not go there because I knew the well of sorrow would not stop pouring. Last year I wasn't in a space to let that well flow.

Again...this year was different. I sat snuggled onto beds or couches listening to mothers talk of their children with tears welling because they missed them. I listened to birth stories without feeling like I have missed out on something sacred. I shared my own birth story...how I cradled our birth mother while she bravely brought our son into the world. Our stories were all unique and I was now part of a tribe of women that supported one another gently. Ever so gently.

I sat with women I admire. Women that have discovered their true passion and dreams and have created a life for themselves that is so utterly extraordinary and inspiring. I listened, absorbed the stories of how they gathered all of their bravery to do so and the tools that helped them get there. And when it began to feel overwhelming because I tend to move slower with such things, I left the room and sat on my bed and closed my eyes and centered myself, feeling okay that I do things differently.

It was just five days of feeling safe in my skin and safe with others. Five days of walking down path after path and smelling the scents of nature and listening to the music it plays. Five days of giggling with my girls as they danced on the beds at night and let go of their inhibitions. Five days of stepping out and saying hello to those women I always wanted to say hello to (and snuggle with in front of a fire). Five days of somehow, somehow...not allowing my ego to take control but rather letting my ego go completely. Five days of feeling like a woodsy hobbit faerie nymph in my dreadlocks. Five days of loving without fear. Five days of feeling so fully inspired by over one hundred unique, beautiful, soulful, thriving, cracked open artists of all types, from all around the world.

More feelings to share soon.
More images too.

38 today.

photo of me by deb schwedhelm, taken june 2009

dear 38,
i come to you with open arms. here i am...take me.

love,
boho girl

blog friendship box*

my contribution {"tribe" written over stripes}...

I was asked by the inspiring Erin of the blog "My Bohemia" to participate in the coolest creation dreamed up by Teeni. The details, instructions and participants are all here.

I am really honored to be part of this collaboration. Its another confirmation that blogs have truly brought communities together from all around the world and I love the idea of something tangible emulating this.

My contribution is a bit wonky. I am not at all a crafty bird...but what's cool is, there was no pressure to be. I just did what came to mind and what that was is the powerful word "tribe" and how often these are built from this medium and how we are all so very colorful and unique. Its a symbol of how we stand together to celebrate that uniqueness.

I passed the blog friendship box onto Jessamyn...a kindred spirit in so many ways. A woman that inspires me to be more mindful in all things and more gentle in all ways. A new friendship I am exploring and reveling in.

I am off to Squam. I am so in need of being in the woods, surrounded by magical beings and warmth and acceptance and inspiration. Last year was so wonderful but I felt consumed with the upcoming adoption, which happened a few months after. I also got the call at Squam last year that Cedar was a boy and not a girl. Not sure if I ever told that story. ; ) We had thought he was a girl for quite a while. It was a beautiful adjustment...one that transpired circled by my lovelies near a roaring fire. So much support and help through that transition.

This year I feel more open and free. More light and alive. More chill and with no expectations. More in love and more loved. I look forward to marinating in every morsel of it.

Will be back on Monday. xoxox

in memory of...

{mason jars on the beach, canon 50d}

9/11.

The morning of 9/11 I was unaware of what just happened. I was driving to work from Berkeley to Walnut Creek in my convertible Geo Tracker with the wind blowing through me. I did this every morning. I put on my business attire, swept my hair up in a baseball cap and off I drove into the misty mornings. It was my time to sing and take deep breaths before I walked through the doors of the corporate world. A place I never felt I belonged.

I pulled into the garage and noticed I had 10 missed calls on my phone. They were from mostly coworkers and some friends. I called a coworker back and she said in tears "where are you?". I just pulled into work, I told her and then she proceeded to tell me I shouldn't go back home and asked me if I had watched the news. No, I never watch the news or listen to it in the mornings. Too depressing. I save it for when the day is done. She then proceeded to tell me what was happening in New York and that the bridges in San Francisco are at risk of a terrorist attack. One is connected to Berkeley. I felt like I was going to throw up.

I hung up the phone and ran into my office. I was the executive assistant for the president of a large technical consulting firm. Our corporate office was in Newark, NJ. My boss liked living in California better. So, she commuted...all the time. You could see the towers from the Newark building. We had clients in the towers. We had client meetings on that day. A few of our consultants were to hold the meeting. I knew one of them and his wife very personally. We were friends. I also noticed in my panic that my boss wasn't there. That didn't make sense. She always arrived at 7am...a half hour before I did. She was supposed to fly in last night from Newark to San Francisco.

The news was in the background. When I heard the flight number, everything inside of me stopped. I swear I could hear my breath in a room full of loud people. United Airlines Flight 93 went down. Wait, why does that sound familiar?

I ran to look at my bosses flights. Yes, yes...there it was "Flight 93" on the records of her trips. This is the flight she always takes in the mornings from Newark to San Francisco. Perhaps she is not here because she decided to go this morning rather than her unusually scheduled red eye flight. I tried to stay calm and I called our travel agent. He was panicked too. He told me he doesn't always do it for her if it is passed hours. She sometimes books directly with the airline. I tried calling United Airlines. It was busy. Of course it was.

Everyone came into my office asking where she is and I had to pretend I had it all under control. I stayed calm but beneath the surface, I was trembling. Her cell phone was going straight to voicemail. No one was answering her home phone. You can imagine my thoughts.

For another hour I fielded many calls for her. Everyone that knew she took that flight often, was inquiring. I was also being asked to send out a list of the names of all of our clients and consultants that were in either one of the towers. So, that one by one, if we somehow got a hold of them and found out they were okay, we could cross them off the list and take a deep breath.

I'll never forget when I heard her voice. I was on the phone and I saw her passing my office and saying over and over..."I'm okay, I'm okay", holding her hand up and reassuring everyone in her path. I lost all ability to be professional and ran into her office and hugged her. She is not they type of person that is very huggy. She is very stoic and unemotional. But not that day. We hugged and tears fell. I told her I thought she was gone and she said "I know...I still flew in last night." She then proceeded to tell me that she's been on her phone all morning and that it died on her way in. She also told me she considered leaving this morning but felt in her gut she needed to get home to her family. Now she knew why.

Not everyone on that list was crossed off. Most of them were. And everyone that was crossed off had an odd story as to why they were alive. Either it was traffic or a personal phone call making them go outside or a drunken night that left them with a hangover or they were on one of the floors that got out. So many stories like this.

I think everyone I know has a story connected to this day and it is why we all feel it so, so much.

I'll never forget when Stephen called me. He was the consultant that was supposed to be in the towers at that time. He was the one that was my friend. An older gentleman with beautiful gray hair and the sweetest smile. Him and his wife traveled around the world as much as possible and he always came into my office sharing his adventure stories. When I first heard his voice say hello, my own voice cracked as I told him I thought I lost him. He started crying and told me that he feels guilty for being here. That he was in his hotel room and is usually on time to meetings but that his alarm didn't go off. He was late, just about to run out of the room with his coffee in hand when it happened. The hotel was close to the towers. He heard the airplane.

So you can see why on this day, so many memories surface for me. So many people I knew at that time in my life were directly connected or related to the victims.

I don't mean for this to be depressing. I don't talk about this day much. I think this time, I needed to write it down. It feels cathartic. And since I consider this my "journal", I know it doesn't have to be perfect. It can be messy. I am doing this for me. For healing and also in remembrance and in honor of the victims and their families.

They will forever live in our hearts. And I will forever remember how good my boss smelled that day when she nuzzled my face into her shoulder. How I wish everyone else got that chance to hold the one or more person(s) that they lost that day. Just one more time. Someday, somehow...they will.

I was turning 30 on September 15th. I was supposed to be in my dear friends wedding that day. In Chicago. But I couldn't fly there as the airport was closed. I wasn't expecting anything on that day. There was no reason to celebrate. I missed my friend's wedding I've been waiting for all year.

My girlfriends surprised me. They met me at my cottage and told me to get something pretty on. They drove me into the city (san francisco). It still felt like a risk, crossing that bridge. I think we all held our breath. They were determined to make me smile, at least once. This was supposed to be a huge milestone, turning 30, but to me, it wasn't consuming my thoughts.

When we arrived at the block full of restaurants and bars we noticed no one was out. It was quiet. You could almost hear a pin drop. But most places remained open, even if empty. So, we spent the evening at this pub...all sitting up at the bar, talking with the bartenders and wait staff. Everyone had a story about how they were connected to someone in those towers. There were tears shed and hugs and stroking on backs and hands being held. They were all strangers to us but by the end of the night, they felt like friends. I never saw them again but I will never forget their faces.

This is how our nation came together during that time. Even today, when our nation feels so disconnected, it is this day that breaks down the political party walls and a tenderness seems to wash over. Even if just for a day.

green smoothie.

the result...

cedar, taken with cell phone

Today I learned that Cedar really loves smoothies. Especially when they're green. Got this recipe from Auntie Schmoops (banana, mango, spinach, rice milk).

Been quiet in this space. Just trying to rest up and simplify my thoughts. So, I share with you my silence and meditation. Sometimes words feel like too much and deep breathing and quietness sooths the soul.

cedar & rocklovepeace baby teether

Its a wee bit surreal to see your son on a website. I absolutely adore this company and their lovely owners and am looking forward to collaborating more with them.

Been feeling a bit under the weather these days. Finally am making an appointment with my naturopath. The one that took us under her wing while going through fertility stuff when all others just wanted to throw up their hands. She's patient. She's intuitive. She listens so well and she is determined...always determined to get answers. One of those doctors you dream of. The kind that email you when they can't sleep because they are thinking of your case and have had an epiphany. I didn't think they existed anymore. I know they are out there but wow, if you ever find them, never let them go.

I've wanted to go to her for a few months now with different intentions as before. The last time I saw her the focus was getting pregnant. Now, the focus is being as healthy as I can as a new mother that feels exhausted most days. Something feels off. Now that Cedar is older, I feel I am able to put a bit more energy into taking care of myself. The reason I put off going to my naturopath is that our insurance does not cover her and that was always a tough one.

So, as I was wishing to see her again and missing her attention to detail, she was dreaming up a way how we can see one another too, unbeknownst to me. I got an email from her suggesting a trade. They need new photos for their website. Oh my gosh, I am in!

Finally, finally...I can get to the bottom of why I feel so tired and achy and insomnia-like. I feel blessed because the last thing I wanted to do is go to my Western doc that talks to me while looking at the laptop sitting on her lap.

wrap up africa.

Final Piece from Amanda Bontecou on Vimeo.
The lovely blond woman speaking in this video is my dear friend Letha. We grew up together. There was a time we were cuddled up close at her mother's house eating whatever was in the fridge and singing Kermit the Frog songs. So, when I see this it brings huge welling tears to my eyes.

I have always known she'd take her old soul wisdom, her artful ideas, her zest for creating change and do something huge. Something larger than life. Something most of us would be afraid to do. She is fearless.

I always knew she had this amazing quality about her...a quality that does not feel comfy with the norm. A heart that is not settled about a cause unless her hands are deeply rooted in it

I am so proud of her. So proud I could shout to the rooftops. So touched by what she has created in Uganda. So moved by the positive change she has inspired.

How cool is it that I can receive an email from her the other day asking my advice on what to wear to an event where she will speak in front of thousands of people in Ireland? She somehow, through it all...stays so grounded. Stays rooted in her relationships. Stays my friend...even when the life I lead feels so vastly different than hers in Uganda.

I love you, Leth...thank you for always helping me to feel that raising my child and living my dream of photography and writing is just as important as you raising up a village to help save children and their families in Uganda.

It feels so good to have known you when we wore training bras. ; )

lay and listen and be.

{lisa field-elliot, canon 50d}

I thank you from down deep for all of your well wishes, thoughts, affirmations, prayers, intentions for my family and all they are going through. My family thanks you too. They read my blog. They read the comments and have gotten to know many of you through your shared stories. I adore and am grateful for the healing that can transpire in the blog universe from one heart planet to another.

I was thinking a lot about my family yesterday and how I am really learning to not take the special relationships we have for granted. I think for years it was just what I always knew and perhaps expected. Then something tragic happened and I realized these precious people that I assumed may always be there in body throughout my life, may not be and goodness...I better tell them every single morsel of why I love them so. Better than tell them...but show them, which is truly the language of love.

So, I am trying to be better at showing them. I know I fumble and make mistakes but the important thing is they know my heart, my intention and that is that I love them and need them in my life.

On another note...look how gorgeous and at peace Lisa is in the photo above. Something I like to do with my clients is lay them down on mother earth. When I do this depends on when I feel my client needs to take a deep breath or hush some negative gremlins or just rest their bones and listen to the heart beat of the earth. Sometimes it is in the beginning. Some the middle or at the end but it most always gives me results like this. A moment when they feel absolute calm within and all around them.

A gentle reminder that if we feel all tied up in knots inside...find a spot on the ground outside to lay and listen. This is when we stop trying and start being.

thoughts & prayers.

{cedar, rocklovepeace baby photo shoot, canon 50d}

dear healing readers ~
its been a bit of a rough-ish week for our family and i am reaching out to you for your thoughts and prayers.

my father had back surgery to remove a cyst as well as have a rod implanted in his spine and screws at his tailbone. he has suffered back and leg pain for years and we are hoping this is his ticket to a pain free life. he is in recovery and very uncomfortable (ouchie rod and staples) and my sweet mother is doing her best to care for him now that he is back home. but...she injured her shoulder (scapula to be exact) doing work on their yard and too is in a lot of pain (arm/chest area) and trying to tough her way through it to care for my father. i had to practically beg her to go to the doctors because she was in a selfless frame of mind.

my older sister darlene is having one of the toughest summer's in 10 years in regards to her lupus. she spends many days on the couch, in deep muscle and joint pain and doing her most awesome best to not go to the dark places in her mind. she is constantly sending me positive text messages about cedar and the photos i send and it blows my mind that she can even think about others when she feels the way she does. i am always learning from her resilience and tolerance. when talking with her on the phone today it really hit me hard how long she has been sick this year. this is when i feel our physical distance the most. when i can't pop over to help my family when they are in need.

then there is sweet cedar. he is having tummy issues and teething stuff all at once. yesterday it was all about projectile puke down my body. we're just learning which foods he can and cannot digest and it seems the only foods that are gentle on his sensitive tummy are pureed sweet potatoes, pears and prunes. when we try new things, even just a little, his belly is a huge ball of air for a few days. poor sweet dude.

and then there is me. i am experiencing some weird deep piercing pains on one of my ovaries, which i know are from my endometriomas (blood filled cysts). today i could barely sit up straight. i am calling my gyno tomorrow but i know what she'll say "take out all your endo! go on birth control! take hormones!". yet it was the hormones i took for fertility stuff that put me here. my body just does not respond to hormones well. my last surgery didn't do much and i am now going to have to get serious about the natural way of healing my reproductive lovelies. i have three natural healing books on endo that i have yet to fully read. time to stop procrastinating because the bad months are getting closer together and now that i am caring for a wee being, i can't lay on the couch and chill.

aren't you glad you popped over here this morning?

i suppose i am sharing all this to ask for some positive affirmations and prayers...especially for my dear daddy, marmie and sis. as we are all a bit tired and worn and are learning that it is okay to ask for help sometimes.

tonight i made spice cake muffins. i never bake. growing up with Celiac gave me an aversion to baked goods because they tasted awful without gluten. nowadays its so much more creative and tasty for us folks. so, i baked. i suppose i had a hankering to cheer up our home in light of this heavy week. the smell of cinnamon and nutmeg floating in the air has to be one of the best heart medicines. i think i might bake more often. now i get what all the fuss is about. it was glorious to watch my husband's blissed out face while eating it hot out of the oven with butter dripping. also fun to sit on the floor while stirring up the ingredients and cedar sitting near me with his eyes glued to the bowl and his mouth open in awe. i imagined all the years ahead with us baking together in the kitchen. i smile as i write this recognizing that having a baby has brought to surface a more domestic me. must. find. cute. aprons.

and ohmygosh look at cedar's face in the photo above. is he not the poster boy for "please pray for me and my family?" ; )

*****************************
Winner of gorgeous Bella Wish necklace is...

# 130...Kathleen* that said...

what a lovely collaboration!

the idea of women inspiring other women makes my heart full. and the end result: putting that power, peace and encouragement into the universe.lucky are all the women who are touched by your blog and your tribe. xo

*send me an email, sweet kathleen...at denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com

Sponsor GIVEaway!

bella wish necklace, photos by stacy de la rosa

I am so crazy excited to host this extraordinary giveaway to those that come to this space. Two of my Sponsors (and bff's) Stacy de la Rosa of Bella Wish and Christine Mason Miller have collaborated on an outrageously COOL project with their art.

Here are some sweet thoughts they wanted to share with you about their coming together...

***************

"I am so honored to be the first artist Stacy chose to collaborate with on her latest designs, and I hope the fun we had working on them shines through!"
~Christine Mason Miller

"I am honored to be unveiling my collection of chunky, colorful, affirmation necklaces here on Boho's lovely blog and beyond happy to be giving one away to one lucky reader. I have been wanting to showcase Christine's art in this way since our gallery show together last September and to see them finally come to fruition is thrilling for both of us. If anyone is interested in purchasing a necklace, I will be premiering some at Squam Art Workshops vendor night on September 19th and more will be listed in my etsy store beginning September 30th.

The necklace featured for this giveaway is a double sided glass pendant featuring the artwork of Christine Mason Miller. The pendant is 1.5" thick and soldered with lead-free solder and buffed with a dark patina finish. One side says "Dream Bigger". The other side says, "Your Wings Exist". Beads include vintage glass beads alongside smoky quartz gemstones. The chain is 20" with a 2" extender finished with a vintage bead."
~Stacy Anne de la Rosa

***************

Here are the beauties...

stacy & christine, photo by marianne, processing by me

Rules:
* To enter, leave a comment
* One comment per person
* Entries accepted Sunday night, Aug. 30th - Wednesday, Sept. 2nd at 10pm PST
* This will be a random drawing
* Winner of this gorgeous necklace will be announced Thursday morning
* Winner must email snail-mail addie to denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com

i just had to do it...

I bought these groovy (and fake) leopard print rimmed glasses when living in Berkeley. Got them just for fun before I discovered I actually needed glasses. But none of the glasses I've had compared to how cool these were.

I've wondered what I could do with them. Hmmmmmm...

So when Cedar was sitting there flipping through the Little Pea, I just had to run, grab them and put them on him.

Funny how they suit him. What a peach.

Hee.

my dreads are my teacher.

my dreads, day 27, taken with phone up in my loft

Many of you dreadies-to-be have been writing and inquiring about how mine are doing and how I am fairing in the process. I thought I'd share it here since my free time is so limited these days. I no longer have that luxury of returning emails promptly. Oh how I wish I could sit for hours and reach out and connect with all of you. So, I am publicly apologizing for my flakiness. Know my heart is so there but my fingertips cannot be. ; )

The last few weeks I've been going through moments of panic as I see each individual dreadlock changing and forming into a personality all on their own. I remember when I first went to Stephanie I told her I wanted loose and flowy and free (which she was so happy about because that is her favorite and what she had for years). At first she did them really tight and perfect because she knew I couldn't just hop over to her for maintenance like most people do in a few weeks. She's all the way in Portland and I'm in Southern Cali and a plane ride and hotel room just aren't feasible right now for us. She told me I may not like them at first because they were so tightly wound. What's funny is that I got so used to them being this way that anytime a stray hair came out I felt afraid they would fall apart. I had dreams that they fell out completely after a night of inspecting each dread and noticing how many fly away straight hairs I had. I have heard the dreams are completely normal, btw...which makes me laugh.

What I love about the crochet method is that you don't have to put sticky product in your hair. I loved the idea of elle naturelle and just crocheting loose hairs back in with a crochet hook, training your hair to lock up by itself. The hard side of that is that my husband is still learning how to do it and feeling fumbly, so I am unable to do the maintenance as often as I'd like. Although I must say, it is super sexy to be sitting between his legs and feel his fingers in and out of my hair. Plus, how delicious is it to have your man doing something creative on you? Next stop: painting my body. ; )

Oops, I digress...(must be ovulating).

I suppose my concern is that once I get too many loose hairs and ultra fuzz, it will look so untamed that it appears messy and unkempt. What is ironic about this is that I wanted unkempt, untamed and loose, didn't I?

I remember looking at countless images of dreadlocks before starting this process and was always attracted to the half in-half out dreads. I never thought of them as messy in a bed head sense but just loose and flowy. Now that my hair is getting to that point, I am finding myself in a space of learning acceptance and letting go and embracing the change.

I talked to Stephanie last week on the phone and she so wisely said to me..."this is what this process is all about for you, not only about your dreads but this new journey you are on as a mother."

She is so right. How parallel is this for me? Longing for motherhood for so, so long I romanticized it a bit (borrowed the word romanticized from a friend that recently wrote me about this). I knew I deeply wanted it and it belonged to my heart to be a mother but all I thought about were the flowy perfect moments. The moments I witnessed between mothers and babies at a park or in a film. I had this vision in my head of what it would be.

Now that I am here and reveling in each moment with my precious, precious son, I am also feeling fumbly about the awkward parts. The fact that I am constantly exhausted and walking around with bags and dark circles and not feeling glowy (proof: see eyes in photo above) or with energy and time to do all else I'd love to do.

Like with my dreads, there is a push and pull of "Oh I love these! They suit me perfectly! These are so fun! Just what I wanted!" and "Oh this is scary! What if they fall out? What if they end up looking too messy? Am I sleeping on them wrong? You can see my grey hair in the fuzz!"

I love the parallels of conflict and I believe this is what drew me into doing my dreads at this time in my life. Motherhood and my dreadlocks are obviously my teacher right now, helping to guide me through the act of letting go, being gentle, having patience, not reacting, embracing change, reveling in messy, accepting that this dream is now an unkempt reality and no longer a perfect illusion.

I was with a friend this past weekend and something she said has lingered within my heart. She was talking about how a specific challenge in her life is her "teacher" and when I grasped that concept, I had a different perspective of the challenges I've been facing.

So with this one challenge of watching my dreadlocks turn into whatever they are supposed to be, I am looking at them now as my teacher for so many other areas in my life.

in my arms.

rocklovepeace baby teether from auntie shmoops

cedar, loved baby photo shoot, canon 50d

Heard this song today and it about brought me to my knees. I wept and swayed with Cedar while listening.

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile

And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books full of fairy tales
Kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Song "In My Arms" by Plumb

{listen to it here}

the Zen of tiny teeth.

my view of cedar on my lap, taken with phone

Before I was a mother, I never put much thought into my nieces and nephews or friends babies teething. I hadn't realized how very tough it is on both the wee babe and the parents. I am not sure if it is because parents never talked about it with me or if I just didn't empathize but I was not at all expecting this.

A month ago Cedar cut his first two bottom teeth at the same time. He had a low grade fever for over four days. He whimpered all day long. He woke up all through the night and just wanted to be held, always held. It was so hard to see him suffer and I shed many tears when he would wince in pain and loosen his body on top of mine in total surrender of the pain.

Yesterday it started again. He is cutting one, perhaps two of his front top teeth.

Who would have known that teething would create a feeling of hunkering down in our home. My whole world has halted. We just want him to be as comfortable as possible and our hearts are breaking constant.

I know this is temporary and we've googled all things teething comfort and have tried it all. So, I know we are doing all we can and that what he needs most is our touch, our soothing voices and our love.

This is just one of the many and perhaps the hardest part of being a mother is feeling helpless when he is in pain. This is just the beginning. I know, I know.

But oh how cute those little nubbies are and thank goodness they will help him to try new delicious foods. A bit of a reminder that with pain comes new sensations, experiences and much growth. Look at me...searching for Zen wisdom in a few tiny teeth.

a lazy summer picnic.

marianne & cedar

stacy anne, bella & cedar

cupcakes! clockwise from left: melissa, marianne, bella, swirly, stacy, cedar

miss swirly

Oh how I have longed for a lazy summer picnic. I spent the weekend at Miss Swirly's and caught up and cuddled with some girlies that I have missed so, so much.

I woke up in a haze on Sunday morning after a long night of Cedar not surrendering to sleep in a foreign bed. The girls climbed onto my bed and offered to take care of him so I could get some sleep. I lay my head down on my pillow with tears, feeling so grateful for these selfless women in my life. They hadn't even had their coffee/tea yet and they knew what I needed. That extra hour of sleep made all the difference. I went downstairs to find them loving on him, surrounded by his toys in a blanket on the grass. All totally chilled out and comfy with one another. Ahhhhh...

Then Stacy brings cupcakes to our picnic. Even gluten free ones. I usually cannot partake in post meal baked yummies. It has been this way all of my life as a gluten free girl since I was in diapers. Its just something I got used to. But Stacy goes out of her way to find the best gluten free cupcakes in LA, so I could feel part of the ritual of sweetness. And oh did I partake. Mmmmm...

I truly felt wrapped in the arms of such generous, thoughtful, heart soaked women. I drove home last night as the sun went down and my baby napping in his carseat with a full, refreshed spirit (and a new craving for cupcakes).

a swirly story.

cedar & swirly, canon 50d

Cedar is 9 months old today. Rather than write about him and the new and adorable animated facial expressions he is making, I thought I'd show you.

My friend Christine (Swirly Girl) spent the day with us a few weeks ago. It was a treasured day I will not forget. She was the first friend to see me post Portland trip with new dreads and stories about Cedar meeting his birth parents. We curled up on the couch and spilled while Cedar was napping. I hadn't realized how much I needed to spill and her too...in true girly fashion.

But then Cedar woke up and she offered to watch him while I go upstairs to do a bit of work. Time allowed for this has been tight lately and she was sensitive enough to notice. So, I reluctantly went upstairs because it is hard for me to accept help at times. I was trying to focus on my work while feeling grateful and humbled and I heard her reading him a story with a variety of voices. It cracked me up. I know Swirly is a major goofball but I had yet to hear her do this. I grabbed my camera and ran downstairs and captured the whole scene. What I love most about how the photos turned out is that Cedar's personality shines through...much better than words could ever express.

It was a darling and bonding exchange between them...this you will see::

Swirly Story
*put speakers on

She always does her best to take care of those she is connected to. Now Cedar feels it too. *sigh*

cedar necklace.

accidental self portrait, canon 50d

I've been wanting to write about my Cedar necklace since returning from Portland. My dear friend Stacy made it for me and mailed it so that I could wear it during my dread day. I have hardly taken it off since (I took it off the first time washing my hair for fear it would get tangled but that's about it). So many of you wrote to me asking where I got the necklace I wore during the dread slide show. This is the story.

The last time Stacy came to spend the night she had one on with her daughters name. I let out a deep sigh when I saw it and it nearly brought me to my knees. Stacy too endured a long, very very long and hard journey to her daughter and it was surreal and so confirming to see that name adorning her neck (Isabella...mmmmm). I noticed she would rub it while she talked. Not sure if she did this consciously but I observed the intimacy she felt with this gem and all of the myriad of emotions that came with it.

Then she went home and did her magic thing that she does and makes one for me without me knowing and sends it off like an angel of healing.

bella wish pendant hanging on framed photo taken by my dear friend tara

So, now my son's strong and beautiful name adorns my neck. And I too rub it and Cedar strokes it while looking up at me and its our shared talisman.

The first photo above was taken by accident. I had just photographed the necklace hanging on one of my favorite framed photos of our family and I set the camera on my husbands djembe drum and I heard a click. I like how it turned out. How it focused on some of my dreads and that the necklace is beaming bright in the background. I could literally see the source of heavenly energy this necklace brings to my body and soul.

If you'd like to have a Hand Stamped Heart Pendant made for yourself (or as a gift) with a name of someone you love or just a word affirmation, Stacy would be delighted to spread her magic to you. Contact her at bellawish (at) me (dot) com.

what a gift she is...

grace's hand, canon 50d

I just can't stop thinking about Stephanie.

I discovered her blog from my friend Tara shortly after Stephanie and her husband Christian were in a near fatal plane accident last August. Both of them were burned badly but Stephanie endured the most...over 80% of her body.

I have since followed her story...read back through her archives to get to know her a bit more. I don't have time to read all of the blogs I love right now. But hers is the one I carve out time for. My 10 minutes per day of soaking up someone I deeply admire because she deserves my attention. She is a survivor in every sense of the word and always puts my heart into a healthier, gentler perspective.

I have been enamored with her journey; the way she parents, the way she loves her husband and he loves her, how romance is within every morsel of their relationship to one another and their loved ones, how charming of a life they lived and still live. Enamored with her extended family. Amazed at how her sisters swept up the children post accident and helped parent them while Stephanie and Christian healed in the burn center for 9 months. In awe of how people all over the globe came together to donate and support their need for the best care. So much more. So much more. I just feel my words couldn't express the wide-ness of this family's love and how they all circled together during this time. Her sister Jane's blog is pretty damn amazing as well. She's a great writer, that one. For months she was the communicator of all things Stephanie and Christian during those crucial months at the burn center and now, she's back to sharing her own stuff...with a twist of wit.

You must read Nie's story for yourselves. Her archives are on her right sidebar.

And yesterday she posted a photo of herself for the first time since the accident. She's just shiningly beautiful, isn't she? I am crushing on her and her spirit and am constantly inspired by her bravery, her patience, endurance, selflessness and her unwavering faith (okay and her cute, cute style!).