fae soul Under construction
as promised...here is the awesome book that came to my door while recording this vlog. written by kate inglis, a new and dear friend of mine.
necklace i am wearing was custom designed for me by mati rose and kristen townsend at mood swing studio (mati's gorgeous art inside pendant).
thea on our dock at squam, 2009, canon 50d
dearies,
for those of you that haven't met her or been to her site yet, i wanted to introduce you to one of my besties, thea coughlin. i met thea years ago via blog land and together we traveled our fertility journeys, side by side. we went through so much together at super speed and now i can't remember a time when she wasn't in my life.
today she posted her very first vlog and when she wrote to tell me, expressed her bundle of nerves over it all. i SO get this! it takes time to feel comfy in your skin while looking at the camera, knowing hundreds, if not thousands will eventually watch it. i am just now finally getting really comfy with the idea and my imagination takes me to a place of cozying up on my couch with all of you near, simply just having a chat.
so, if you at all feel inspired, do leave her some soul droplets so that she can gather up her bravery to share more with us. she is SUCH a pleasure to watch and has so much wisdom to share.
she has taught me so much in my life and many times, picked me up out of darkness and helped me rediscover my voice, my passions, my "self" again. i love you, girl...toe to toe.
thea's vlog.
jess, sara, me & stephanie (the dread goddess) at akemi salon in portland
steph & jess...these women teach me so much
cousin mary on akemi's couch
steph studying sara's dreads
steph crocheting sara's beauties
steph crocheting my hair
jess & me snuggling on steph's couch with the dread kitty (at her home)
the hauntingly romantic and gorgeous home of the dread goddess
jess & steph at a bakery/cafe
clockwise bottom left: jess, steph, cousin mary & megan at mississipi station
for lunch post dread appt.
and here is my result...
amy seeley & me at The Farm Cafe for dinner post dread appt.
We all surfaced from this weekend with hearts that shifted, expanding wider and deeper and softer. I was exhausted on the plane ride home. But a good exhausted. The kind when you're replaying over and over scenes from the last few days in your head and there is too much excitement to sleep. Even though my head was pounding, I had a smile on my face as I gazed out the window at the rainy clouds beneath the wing. The belly of my heart felt full of all of the soulfood that these women fed me and I was in something that felt like a soulfood coma. You know what I mean?
Perhaps it is a blessing that the dear ones in my life do not live near me. Blessing in a sense that when I do gather with them, my senses are heightened and I soak in every word droplet and story and heart spilling and I hold their hands and walk arm in arm and snuggle them close and don't take a single second for granted. Perhaps if I saw them every day, I wouldn't notice all the teeny tiny beautiful details as I do when we have these gatherings (or perhaps I would). I suppose I am going there in my head because most of the time I feel sad living away from my buds but if I shift my perspective to the blessings of those small but amazingly precious moments, then I'll feel more grateful than sad.
Over the course of a few days, so much of what happened during the dreadie love fest was not in the original plan but it ended up unfolding so beautifully. We were all in such an open and relaxed head space that whatever came our way just made sense, because we allowed the moment to teach us.
Jessamyn was the one that found us a place to stay. It would be at her cousin Mary's grandmother's home (who was on vacation). When I arrived, I met Cousin Mary (this is what I named her) at the airport for the first time and when I first laid eyes on her, she felt so familiar. She came over and hugged me good and I was immediately charmed. Within a few minutes, we were snuggling around granny's kitchen table, followed by a few hours of tears, talking through some hard things, trying to find our center...together...three women living different lives, with similar values and helping one another to stand in our integrity.
The same circle of love followed us into the salon the next morning. We walked in to find Stephanie (the dread goddess) lighting incense for us, with her wide gorgeous eyes, squealing "do you know how long I've been looking forward to this?? I hope you guys don't mind that you're stuck with me all day when the appointments are done!" I loved that she planned her day with us. Again...there were hugs and hearts spilled on her vintage couch and tears and wisdom shared.
Do you know that feeling of walking around with an expanded heart? A feeling of calm and openeness? But also a buzz of excitement and connection and like something bigger is happening here? Like...we were all brought together to learn something, to walk away from this weekend changed? This is how it felt. That buzz. Each of us felt it and acknowledged it.
Then in walks Sara Janssen...a dear blog friend, whom I've connected with via email and also am collaborating on something with. We were not sure if she was going to make it, as her family is on tour. She immediately felt like a kindred to each of us (while we ran our fingers through her delicious dreads within minutes of her arriving).
Then close to the end, in walks Megan, Cousin Mary's roommate from college...and we all hopped in our cars and gathered at Stephanie's house, which was surreal in and of itself. Such an ethereal haven of magic and mystery in every room. We then ventured out and walked through puddles and in the rain to lunch, where as you see in the second to last photo above, there was some much needed laughter and release.
Later that night we met with my dear yummy friend Amy Seeley...whose music has torn apart and put together our hearts. This new gathering of souls felt harmonious with what the hours prior had already cultivated. We first sat near a fire place to have some pretty drinks before dinner and immediately cut to the chase about where our hearts were.
Each one of these women are hardly into surface talk and perhaps that is why the gatherings felt so deep and intense but marvelous and soul shifting.
Definitely a Ya Ya essence and it is why I can wait. I can wait and weather the long periods of time I don't spend with my girlfriends because it truly only takes a few minutes to get right into the good stuff and reconnect and refuel and create memories that linger with me during those lonely moments away from them.
I am learning to trust the unfolding of these gatherings. Trust that when all is aligned there will be a balance of intensity and lightness, the Yin & Yang of personalities that as women in friendships, we all crave the balance of.
I think why I am reflecting and reveling so much in this is that this past year, I have really come to a place of not having expectations when gathering with women and friends. I know each of us as women (and men) crave deep and easy connections but sometimes, when we force these, it can be hard and hurtful or dissapointing. I felt aware of this revelation while at Squam this year; that when I let go of trying, connections happened more naturally and with ease. I observed this in my own life and also became aware by observing others going through it as well. Now I wonder if because I am letting go of expectations surrounding this, that I am attracting what I need within my life surrounding friendships.
This is Cedar's first time feeding himself brown rice cereal with a spoon. Check out how proud he is at the end. ; ) Yesterday he did this for the very first time during lunch.
Wanted to thank you for all of your kind emails about these videos and short posts while I am recouping from the flu. I look forward to sharing with you about my weekend in Portland with the dread goddess but need to create space for that when I am feeling more clear headed.
So many of you have asked me what type of music I always have in the background. We have this music channel called "Soundscapes" and it is very Zen. Cedar loves it and really soaks the gentle harmonies in.
We're cocooning a bit over here because Boho Boy and I have the sickies but this just brightened our day. Cedar loves the Laurie Berkner Band and this is one of our favorite songs. So cute...wanted to share. It always makes me teary and smile...all at once.
This hand/mouth trick is something Cedar's been doing since he was 4 months old. Finally caught a quick bit of it on our Flip.
We call it "Baboo-Baboo"...
cedar watching the "Your Baby Can Read" video
I returned earlier than originally planned from a magical red tent weekend spent with some gentle loving souls. Boho Boy became extremely ill while I was away and it was his 103.4 fever that made me get on the next available flight. He ended up going to the emergency room and has been diagnosed with bronchits and Influenza A. So, the poor guy is walking around with a face mask and trying his best to stay away from Cedar (which is torture) and I am being pretty anal about disinfecting the trails he leaves behind.
A few hours after he returned from the emergency room, I received a call from my sister Darlene that my marmie is in the emergency room with food poisoning and had been admitted to the hospital for an overnight stay to replenish her fluids and take more tests. We were worried about my father, who sounded confused and upset because when she is hurting, he is hurting. This is when living far away just breaks my heart.
You know...I am not sure I could have handled all of this at once if it wasn't for the few days I had spent with some extraordinary women. It was just such a huge confirmation to me how important it is for women to gather, to circle around one another. When all is aligned, it feels so effortless and grounding. So, I thank them for preparing me for the week ahead.
On a fun note, we finally received our big box of materials from Your Baby Can Read. We had thought about doing this a while ago but it was when we realized that Cedar prefers books and musical instruments to toys, that we felt it was important to nurture this in him. We think the whole concept is fascinating and it may not work for everyone but we are jazzed about trying it with Cedar. We have no expectations and are being light and fun about it. What tripped us out last night was that he clapped when he heard and saw the word "Clap" and waved when he heard and saw the word "Wave"...with a huge proud smile on his face. So, it is very telling that he enjoys this and it is his enjoyment that will navigate our way through it all.
I will share some images and stories of my dready goddess-y weekend soon.
sabrina's "make believe" photo card set
Yesterday I received one of Sabrina's card's from a dear friend of mine in the mail. It was the one pictured above on the bottom left. The front of the card reads...
"You are allowed to slow down.
You are allowed to turn off your phone.
You are allowed to lie down...in the sun."
Saying no has at times been a challenge for me. More in my adulthood than when I was a child and teen. I have often worried about hurting feelings or sometimes concerned that unless I did this and was involved in that and participated in this and spearheaded that, then...and only then would I be enough, have given enough, lived enough within this precious life I have been given.
Having a child has shifted this for me. Where as before, I could devote my heart and soul to a multitude of spaces in my world, now it is so important to me to be fully present and in the moment with my son and my family.
To continue on feeling healthy and strong and resilient and creative within my home, I have needed to let go of some things. I have had to say no to some people. I have needed to take good and gentle care of my reserves and give them to the few people (and not the masses) that need me most.
In this continually shifting process for me, I've wondered if I might lose some loved ones in my life. If the idea that I cannot pick up the phone as much or fly to be with them when they're in need or participate in gatherings or be able to commit to beautiful projects would not be enough to maintain these precious friendships that I have built over the years.
Then I received this card last night and on the inside it said this;
"Just a note to tell you I love witnessing all the steps you take towards your center...to that space of love and light that holds you and your family safely and peacefully. I am in awe of you my friend. I love you."
And tears rolled down my cheeks...and I took a deep breath and I felt so understood...
...and I felt, well, enough.
cedar & me at park yesterday, taken with phone
my husband found the sweetest book ever for Cedar. he loves it best. the story makes me giggle and weepy all at once.
its all about loving someone absolutely unconditionally. its about learning how to love them as they evolve into something you may not have dreamed of or expected but you get them, because you know their heart and you'll be there through it all. its about loving someone creatively.
i so love the deeper messages in between the lines of children's books. my husband, the dear sexy librarian, just knows how to find them.
needs some tuning... ; )
When Cedar was a few months old a dear friend of mine wrote to tell me that her mother had a vision of him older. Her mother tends to have these psychic moments and my friend told me that sometimes its eerie how right on she has been. So, of course...I listened and got all giddy with butterflies that Cedar had been in one of them! She said that she saw Cedar on stage, the lead in a band, with a guitar. She said that he was a well known rock star...but was very humble. My friend and I giggled and had fun with this and now we joke about it every once in a while. The part that really meant a lot to me was that he was humble. This is a trait that I am so, so attracted to when it comes to extremely gifted people.
Anyways, what has been interesting to see is how music has been such a huge part of Cedar's everyday. I've mentioned this quite a bit here on this blog. How he would only fall asleep to the oldies (swing type music) when he was an infant and that he needs soft piano/harp/flute type instruments playing all day long and how he has really good rhythm (perhaps from watching Boho Boy drum on everything). Most recently he discovered where daddy's guitar was and now that he is crawling, he'd waddle his way over and pull it down and start strumming the strings and pounding on them making pretty music (well, pretty to our ears, perhaps no one elses).
So, we decided to get him a wee one just right for his cherub fingers (ukulele). Now, it must be near him at all times and if it isn't, he'll find it and pull it close.
This morning, he serenaded me as soon as he woke up...(last photo above). So, I have no idea if that vision my friend's mother had will come to fruition but I do know that he will always be our little rockstar.
i made this to put a huge smile on my friend jess's face.
and now i hope it puts a smile on yours.
i share some seriously deep thoughts here along with bob marley. ; )
i love my "chooka chooka chooka" sounds. what the heck?
self portrait, canon 50d
I was just sharing with a friend the other day that the process of my dreadlocks loosening, fraying, filling in the spaces, stretching, breaking, opening...is such a metaphor for my journey...of me, really.
They've been on my head for three months...but the movement and meaning behind it all has been there so much longer.
It is not at all just a hair do to me.
cedar hobbit, 4.5 months, taken with phone
There was this scene in the film Lord of the Rings in the beginning when all the little hobbit children were sitting on the ground at a party and the camera scanned all their sweet hobbity faces. I remember seeing this one little girl with big round eyes and a look of wonder and awe and I thought to myself "Ohhhh...how I would love to have a child with that spirit."
I didn't know that at the same time, snuggled up in the theater, that Boho Boy was having the same thoughts. He noticed that same girl in the crowd of cuties and fell in love with her spirit the same way I did.
We were trying to get pregnant, you see...so something down deep inside of us connected with that child and the ache we felt for our own.
It wasn't until about a year later, when we were talking about how we envision our child to look (like all couples do that are desiring a child)...will he/she have my eyes, my lips, my hair, etc. We both mentioned that child in Lord of the Rings.
"You saw her too?" I asked. We both felt that is how our child would look, would be.
As we were approaching the 5th year of trying to conceive, I think we forgot about that girl. Or perhaps it hurt too much to go to that place, to that dream, that vision of our child and we put it in the safest part of our hearts, tucked away.
Then our birth parents and Cedar came into our lives and the healing began and life was so entirely and utterly beautiful and not at all what we expected but everything that we needed.
When Cedar was about 4.5 months old, we were goofing around by pulling his ears back like a hobbit and taking photos for our family. Our family has always referred to Cedar as a Wood Nymph or a Gnome or a hobbit...because he just has that look, that essence to him. What blew us away is this one photo we took of him (above). Because that is the face....THE exact face of the little girl in Lord of the Rings that we often dreamed of.
Wow. Right? Wow. Perhaps our hearts always knew this and that is why at the exact moment, years ago, we both recognized that face on the screen.
So of course we're going to dress him up as a hobbit tonight...but we won't have to do much. ;)
Happy Halloween. Be fulfilled. Be joyous. Be playful. Be safe.
cedar resting on mommy at park, taken with phone yesterday
I just got through watching a video that a reader sent to me, sharing her story, relating it to Cedar's food sensitivities. The video was of her and her son about Cedar's age and she sat and talked through her camera as though she was looking directly into my soul. I am still a blubbery mess from it. I was so moved and touched that I sent it to my marmie, sister and husband. It just touched me so. She too is an adoptive mommy and I realized watching it, that there is a kinship between us already because of adoption and a sense of understanding that goes beyond all of the other stuff. I suppose what brought that up for me was when she mentioned she too tried donor breast milk and it didn't quite work and that she tried to take meds to do it on her own and it did work for a while but she had to stop as it wasn't producing enough and she got an infection. So she too had to do the formula dance...and then went on to share with me his solid food sensitivities much like Cedar.
It made me realize that there is still a tender place for me about breast feeding. People are so opinionated about it and those that have never had experience with adoption or gone through fertility journeys have said ignorant things to me about how I should have tried everything I could to put Cedar on breast milk (assuming I didn't try everything).
I didn't have enough time to produce milk once we were matched with our birth mom. We were told he would be born early, a preemie and that he would be donated a supply of breast milk in the hospital and then a dear, dear friend of mine pumped for me...for a few months until he was born so that he would have it for a few months after returning home from the hospital. As far as I knew, we had it all covered and did plenty of research about breast milk. What people don't know is that where we live in California, it would cost $700 per week to go through a breast milk donor company, which does all the screening to make sure its healthy milk. We just couldn't afford that and so this is why my beautiful, selfless friend offered to help. Well, he ended up not being a preemie, so they did not give us breast milk in the hospital but we knew we'd have some once we got home. Unfortunately, Cedar could not digest her milk. It was so hard because we knew she worked so hard, taking time out of her every day to pump for us and we wanted this for her just as much as we did for Cedar. We were excited about that bond, that story we could tell him someday. So, it was emotional for everyone...especially my friend but we eventually let go and we were all grateful that Cedar was thriving on his formula. We will still tell him the story and they still have a deep bond.
Another bit about me that not a lot of people know is that my body is highly sensitive to artificial hormones. I get a lot of side effects and I really needed/wanted to be healthy for my newborn baby. That was important to me and to my husband.
I think it was this first experience as a mother being judged that put up a wee guard over my heart with other mothers. It wasn't a conscious act but over the last few days, receiving an abundance of emails full of gentle wisdom and understanding and encouragement and cheerleading from mothers all around the world has made me realize I've been isolating myself a bit. I've had fears of gathering with a bunch of mothers and being told I am doing it all wrong (even if in my heart I knew I was on the right path and that Cedar and I have a deep connection and communicate well with one another and that he is thriving...I was still afraid to be judged). I have joked with other friends that I am afraid of mommies. But in the deeper parts of that jest, there was an ache for that community, that help, that circling when I feel I just can't do it alone.
This is why it was a huge, brave step for me to put myself out there yesterday and ask for help. I knew I was taking a risk at being judged or patronized in some way. But the reality is that I wasn't and so many of you held me gently and truly saw me...saw that I am madly in love with my son and have a good intuition and connection with him and that everything is going to be okay. That he is a happy, thriving baby...that you see this in the light in his eyes and smiles. You not only saw me...you saw him too.
I have read every single one of your emails. I've read them twice or three times or four. I've written down notes, things that resonated that I want to try and would make sense for our family. I have cried at the stories you've shared with me. Been amazed at the strength so many of you have had with all that you endured in regards to your child's health.
So truly, I cannot thank you enough and if I don't email you right away, know its because I am busy shopping for fun organic goodies and experimenting in the kitchen and putting much of my intentions on making this fun for him and not a scary thing.
My husband and I are so stoked to try new things. Today he ordered this with some cubes to freeze food if we need to. As soon as Cedar wakes from his nap, I am taking him to Whole Foods to stock up for a fun weekend of food play (one thing at a time of course and waiting a few days to make sure it is gently digested...I will be experimenting but not feeding him everything, just playing and tasting it ourselves and getting comfy with the process).
Some of you have asked me to list some of the advice that resonated. I will do my best to remember it all but here are a few gems (and there were many gems, so there may be another post about it).
Oh, and I forgot to mention in my video yesterday that yes, I do feed him Happy Bellies brown rice cereal (with DHA and probiotics included) every morning and have for a long while. Also forgot to mention that he was diagnosed with GERD as an infant but is slowly growing out of it. This also contributes to his needing to move slower with stuff we put into his body.
Okay list/ideas/wisdom from mommies around the globe...
Book suggestions:
Baby Greens: A Live Food Approach for Children of All Ages by Michaela Lynn
Optimum Nutrition for Babies and Young Children by Lucy Burney
I know there is more and I will share as I read through them again.
Thank you all so, so much...we are full of rejuvenation and inspiring ideas!
I feel a bit vulnerable about asking for some wisdom/advice from the masses about my child. People can have such strong opinions when it comes to the various ways to nurture/parent a child. So, I have been very gentle about sharing some things, as well as asking advice here in this space. In fact, in general, both Boho Boy and I have tried to listen to our child, our inner voice and intuition when it comes to Cedar and so far that feels very comfortable. There are so many conflicting ideas and philosophies that it can get quite overwhelming.
But, I feel as though I have been blessed with attracting such gentle, wise, wholesome individuals to this space and there is a trust I am beginning to feel with so many of my readers.
So, in my video I share a bit about what we've been going through in regards to Cedar and his eating habits, his sensitive digestion, etc. I also ask in the end for some wisdom, some shared stories about how any of you introduced more textured veggies and foods when dealing with particular food sensitivities.
Since my comments are now shut off, do email me if you would like to share your thoughts (email is on left sidebar).
Thank you so, so much.
This MacBook camera is way too fun. Cedar wanted to get in on it.
Thank you, Christianne for showing me how to turn off the screen so I don't have to stare at myself backwards while recording. ; ) I'll get the hang of it after a few tries!
Something else fun and exciting; I am on TwilightMOMS! Do enter for the giveaway if you'd like.
Yes, I am a TwiNERD, TwiGEEK or whatever you want to call it...and cannot wait to see the New Moon film, soon. So, this is such an honor for me (thank you, Georgia...love you and think its the coolest that you are such a celeb in the TwiWorld).
My husband brought home a MacBook a while ago and I only JUST got brave enough to play with the built in camera & iMovie yesterday. I keep cracking up at myself watching this. I just can't seem to focus on the teeny tiny black lens at the top of the laptop. I keep looking at the screen, which is like looking in a mirror and its hard NOT to watch when you're looking back at yourself in a flipped image. Super weird and crazy...but fun!
So, I think this is how I will do my vlogs now once I get the hang of looking at the lens. ; ) SO much easier than having to upload videos from another camera (and the lighting seems a wee more flattering...unless that is just because I am feeling better. i don't look as sallow and droopy faced as in other vlogs).
Film I refer to at the end is Where The Wild Things Are.
cedar, taken with phone {click to enlarge}
this was taken on our bed this morning.
just had to share.
man...doesn't he look like a wee angel?
i can't believe my baby is 11 months old.
*sigh*
As I continue to surround myself with stuff that brings joy into my home, the blueness I've been feeling begins to lift. Even if just a little.
Cedar has been cutting a tooth up top...not so fun for him. Yet, I know he loves Reggae music and he always laughs when his momma is super silly and he loves our Gourd Shaker, so put all these things together and it puts an extra bounce in his step...
...and mine too.
I made this video for my family and now am sharing it with you. How can we not smile a wee bit when watching his graceful bounces? If you could see his feet, you would see they are pointed. My sister thinks he might be a dancer someday since he points his toes and sometimes does a little pirouette in his Merry Muscles.
Wish you could see his face too...smiling big with his two bottom teeth and top one peeking through and swollen gums.
