raven locks*

me & cedar a few hours ago, taken with palm pre phone

This is the darkest my hair has ever been.  Had to get a shot of it for posterity.  My friend colored it last night.  I especially love this photo because I am giving Cedar a forced cuddle to get the shot for my family and friends to send on their phone.  He just wants to be playing in the puddles...not snuggling his mama.  Most of the times he will pose but not when there are huge pools of water to splash in.  We weren't prepared for the downpour of rain today.  So we got soaked and you can see tiny beads of raven tinted drops all over my head.

I am still trying to get used to having raven dreadies.  I might now explore having one indigo and one purple colored one.  I feel like it looks sort of vixen-ish.  Boho Boy agreed.  Why not spice it up!

pixie love *

pixie campbell, canon 50d

I met Pixie years ago in my very first online community:  Sark's Marvelous Message Board.  Both her and I moved on from that community to writing our own blogs and a few years later, her and I reconnected again in blogland.  In the beginning, I went by the name Bohemian Girl and in her comments, she addressed me as Boho.  It caught on and others started doing it as well.  I myself connected more with that sweet nickname and there you have it.  Pixie is the one who named me.  ; )

I received a very tantalizing email from her a few months ago wooing me out of my sabbatical to photograph her.  I told her that I feel rusty and that she would be the perfect person to stretch my photographer limbs and explore where I am at with this art of mine.  It had been a little over a year since I had a session.   When she told me how enormous this session would be for her at this time in her life and that she wanted no one else for the job, I felt honored, humbled...and more importantly, needed.   I had forgotten what it felt like to feel needed in a deep and spiritual way outside of these four walls of my home.  It gave me courage.

I told her I have a mushy mama brain.  She told me she does too.  So, we gathered our wits and our charms and wine and cheese and music and props and dress-up duds and hats and BRAVERY and we hiked up a weedy hill to see what would follow us in our surrender.

It started with sitting on a blanket, taking deep breaths and reminiscing about the journey of our relationship.  How when I was going through fertility stuff, she was having babies and how neither of us forced anything with one another at that time.  The mutual respect between Virgo sisters born just a few days apart has always lived between us.  There were a few tears.  Then we lightened up and tossed around dreams about our art.  Then we burned sage.  Then made a prayer to the heavens.  Then once the big black top hat went on her gorgeous head, the whole darn field was infused with magic.   I call it our Pleasure Field.   I felt a warmth surrounding us and our vulnerability gave way to some very raw and moving moments with one another, with ourselves, with Mother Earth and some singing coyotes.

The whole session shifted some things for both of us.  She wrote a bit about her thoughts on it here.  For me personally, it opened up a space in me that hasn't been explored in some time.  Sessions to me go so far beyond just capturing moments for my client.  Every single one of my sessions so far has been rooted in some sort of transformation for the artist I am photographing.  It is emotional and freeing and opening.  Not only for them but for me.  It has always felt like an even exchange of love and adoration.  And it never just happens within the few hours of shooting.  The transformation begins with the emails exchanged beforehand and then perhaps a long phone call and then right before the session when there are hands being held and long gazes and spilling and tears and then afterward...the emails sharing  how they feel changed and how I feel changed and the photos shared and oh man...they feel beautiful and whole and seen and I feel seen.  Its such an intense process and it is why I am not able to do this all the time.  I am so lead by my heart on the timing of sessions and I honestly let go and don't try to make any of this happen.  It is such a lesson in trust for me.  Its been hard to put into words for people why I don't offer myself as a photographer full time.  I am not even sure if I knew why exactly...until now.

Pixie asked me where my heart was now with my art after having this session.  I told her it felt like a veil is lifting and I am beginning to see and feel more clearly where I want to journey with this art of mine.

A previous client of mine wrote this to me recently...

Denise, you have no idea no idea all that followed from that cracking open-- I am so in my beauty.  My soul is so in me.  SO much is happening and it ALL. BEGAN. WITH. THAT. TRANSFORMATIVE. photo shoot.

I think I am learning that I may have a deeper purpose with my lens.  Its not easy for me to say that.  I am shyly putting it out to the world.  As most anyone who knows me intimately, knows I can be humble...to a fault.  Meaning, it is easier for me to let others shine than to allow my sparkles to glisten.  But after every session, I have received very similar sentiments and years into it, I am just now willing to embrace that there is something truly unique happening here and I promise you I am not at all thinking it is about me.  I feel strongly that it is a collaborative movement between spirits.  A movement that I want to tap more into to see where it can take me and other photographers.  Its a movement that isn't just about the images but the process and the journey.

Look at the peaceful calm on Pixie's face in those last few photos.  I look at those and cry every. single. time.  I want to bottle that cocoon of soft flowing self love and abandon and gently mist it all over our world and throughout the Universe.

We were one another's nurturer that day.  Then we ended with wine and food and feeling tipsy and giggling.  You can't end a day in a Pleasure Field without getting high.

prayers for marmie*

marmie & me... a few months ago

Dear prayer warriors, change makers, healing spirits and positive affirmational souls ~

I am calling on all of you to lift my marmie up in your thoughts and prayers.  She's been ill for a while now and her immune system is breaking down and on top of that, got salmonella poisoning last week and dropped an alarming amount of weight.  With all of her winter clothes and shoes on, she weighed a bit over one hundred pounds, which tells us that she is below 100.  It really hit me when we skyped yesterday and I asked her to "show me your bod" (so me) and when she lifted up her shirt I hid my gasp.  Bones.  Too many bones and at her gorgeous age, she needs to be protected and warmed by muscle and at least some fat.  I tried to be positive, as you know...that is my role in the family and told her she looked beautiful and "better than I thought" but truly, it was difficult to see.  Especially because I cannot be there to bring her my healing soup and help her around the house with her very spirited puppy-dups and my dear sweet father that needs special loving care for his diabetes and back issues.

I plan on fattening her up over the holidays and I know she's counting on it too.  ; )  Another role of mine in the family!  We are wrapping her up in love and hope and prayers and I wanted to invite you to do the same, if you are moved and inspired to.

If any of you have any ideas on healthy ways to put weight on when your tummy is extremely sensitive, that would be wonderful.  She reads this blog and is very invested  in and charmed by all of you who come to this space.  She's protective of me and celebrates the gentleness and kindness that gathers here.

I told her she first needs to get better before worrying about eating foods that will pack weight on but perhaps there are ways to do both at the same time.

Thank you, lovelies...teary gratitude.

ps. do you love my new word "affirmational?" yah...me too.  ; )  and isn't my marmie just beautiful?  love her so.

back to our roots*

me and my boho boys on the trolley yesterday

I am slowly surfacing, peeking my head into the online world after much needed cocooning with my wee family.  Boho Boy had a few days off of work which meant four full days of Cedar and me soaking him in.  During the four days, he chose not to touch a computer and work...which is HUGE for him.  I don't remember the last time he did this.  Perhaps last Christmas.  As a result of his hard work to help our move go more smoothly, his body has let him know in a big way that he needs to slow down.  He's been dealing with sinus and kidney issues and the information nerds that we are, have been on a quest to help heal his bod.

Part of the healing process is family time and quieting the mind.   It was so wonderful to see him reading again.  Curled up in the rocking chair and hungry for the pages.  "I want Cedar to see me reading", he said.  This is who he was when I met him.  I walked into his home for the first time years ago and there were books everywhere stacked by the sofa and chairs and on top of tables and near his bed and pouring out of the gigantic book shelf that took over one wall (we still have this).  I see us someday having our own sweet library in our home with huge cushy chairs and stacks of books and perhaps yummy arched book shelves built into the wall.   Ohhh...with a fireplace too.  One can dream.

He even did something he hasn't done in a long time.  He woke up earlier than me and went out to get our yerba mate ready.  When Cedar woke up, he tipped toed into our room and grabbed him so I could sleep.  Then about an hour later, he came in with a steaming mug of mate and told me to enjoy it alone in bed.  Since Cedar has been born, those quiet moments of my first morning cup are mostly non-existent.  When he left the bedroom and I was resting up against my plethora of pillows, I took a deep breath in and felt so grateful that he knows the little things I need and have been missing in my life...without me having to say anything.

We have recognized that our days have felt rough around here.  Years ago when we met for the first time, we connected over parts of our personalities that we feel not a lot of people understood or nurtured in their own life.  Neither one of us took the road expected.  Money was never a priority for us but living life by the heart was.  We were not workaholics.  Connecting, talking for hours all snuggled up was always enough for us.  Reading, dreaming, being outdoors.  Neither one of us are super energetic go-getters that spin from morning until night.  We're pretty laid back and very simple.  The last few years of spinning have felt unfamiliar to our bones.  Especially to his.  We honor all of it.  We honor why it needed to change.  We honor what it has taught us and where it has brought us and now we know we need to go back to our roots.  We are ready for a slower life.  A simpler existence.  Just recognizing that alone has brought us so much peace.

And Cedar.  Oh how many times we looked at one another the past four days with teary eyes expressing how blessed we are to have him as a son.  He truly is an amazing little dude.  The past few months have been full of so many emotions for him and of course for me because we are always together and so very connected.  Ever since birth, he has been very hyper aware of his environment.  The doctors noticed it in the hospital and people tell us this whenever they are with him.  So because of this, if you want to really engage with him, it is constant.  Being with him is both healing and challenging.  I've been really trying to honor my intuition in guiding him and comforted by a few friends of mine that have read books and taken courses on gentle parenting.  Every child is so, so different and I think this is why we as parents have to embrace the concept that not one thing works for every child.  So I try to balance my studying of techniques and guidance with listening to my own voice and most importantly, listening to Cedar's.  For someone like me, who is sensitive to all emotions in a room, it can feel exhausting.  But truly, its a good exhaustion.  I am madly in love with this exhaustion because I am madly in love with being a partner to Cedar on his journey.

Yesterday evening we were at a park.  It was 5:30pm and completely dark already.  The park was lit up by the moon and stars.  We were alone there...me, Cedar and Boho Boy.  Cedar was in the swing and I said..."soak it all in Cedar!" and immediately he threw his body back, taking in a deep breath while closing his eyes and when he opened them said "he-yoh  mooooo!" towards the moon.  I wasn't sure if he would even understand what I meant by "soak it in".  Of course he did.  And then I too lingered at the moon and the stars a bit longer.  Cedar too is guiding us back to our roots.

firm and fragile*

.A dear friend the other day, in a loving way, suggested that I get a thicker skin. I've been meditating on that and what a thick or thin skin means for me.

There are periods of time in my life when I feel more centered, more calm, a firm pillar for me, my family, my friends. Then there are times when I feel stripped raw and fragile and a bit anxious and in serious need of being protective of what surrounds me, what I allow in. But in all times, I am a tender soul. I am empathic. I feel most everything profoundly and deeply. I have had do a lot of soul work on being aware of what emotions are mine or of someone else near me, in the same room or walking by (or even virtually). My sweet husband would tell you that I have come so, so far in recognizing these emotions and how I am more able to establish boundaries that help me to be in touch with what is mine and not feel responsible for what isn't.

There are times when my skin is thicker, yes... but right now is not one of those times. My reserves feel low. We are going through a huge shift with our move to Washington around the corner. A lot of energy is going into preparing for it all. My husband is building his client base so that he will be able to quit his day job and support our family with his own business. This means working quite often around the clock and this also means less time for me to nourish my creative diva . Or what one of my friends calls my Creatrix.  It means less time for connecting with those that I love.  Every spare moment of Cedar's nap is spent cleaning and working and attempting to connect with others, yet not feeling present.  Two hours a day goes by so, so fast.  My poor email box is beyond full. I know I have disappointed many people that have reached out and I have been unable to give back the way I would like, or they need. I haven't even phoned my parents as much as I long to. This is crunch time. This is what my husband and I call it. It is temporary but necessary.

I think it is why I am having a difficult time putting what is going on with me in words. There are elements that are holding me back when I usually just let it flow, regardless of how it may be received by others. I find myself feeling protective of my heart. More sensitive to opinions or unsolicited (but well meaning) advice.  So, I've been coming to this space feeling stuck and I am hoping that by writing that I feel stuck, that I will somehow become unstuck.  I know that so much of where I am is a result of pouring what reserves I do have left into Cedar and this very powerful, emotional entry into boyhood for him and also my husband, who has been dealing with some health issues.  I don't have a lot left for me right now, let alone all of the people in my life that wrap me up with their unconditional, radical and uber forgiving love.

The thing is, I know what I need to do in order to feel centered and what type of self love I need and what types of food I should be eating and how much stretching and body movement I need but its the time that isn't there for me to do these things.  Its my energy that feels non-existent at the end of the day.  So, I told my dear friend the other day that I suppose I am in survival mode.  I am navigating what is in front of me.  What I can touch and feel and hold and let go of.

Our lives will be so renewed in June.  And when I say that, I don't have a lot of expectations.  The most simple changes will feel so abundant.  One being that we will live in a house with a yard on a street, with neighbors and children near us.  Right now we live on the 3rd floor in a building surrounded by college students or single seniors that are not super fond of children pounding on a wooden drum in a room full of thin walls.   Just that one shift in our living situation will be so, so massive in our hearts and for our nature-loving well beings.  Any blessings that come into our lives after that will be BONUS.

I already feel braver to share some big things moving around in my heart...just because I have written down here where I am at.  So, you'll probably see me around more.  I just needed to stretch my limbs a bit and take some deep breaths.  I needed to give myself permission to be in a space of thinner skin than usual and embrace my more fragile self gently.

So rather than run and hide, which is what would be so easy to do, I come here as I am.  Tough and Tender.  Firm and Fragile.

my favorite part of today*

Today we went to our favorite coffee house with our extra yummy hour.

Cedar decided that he wanted to eat his bran muffin like a big boy. No more mommy and daddy putting tiny pieces in his mouth. That was SO yesterday.

He spied a little plastic cup of something white and creamy across the table. He reached for it, not taking no for an answer as we tried to explain to him it is not what he thinks it is. He insisted. So, we shrugged our shoulders and in front of him it went.

"Hmmm..." Cedar ponders. Its not sweet. Its kinda sour...

"I think I REALLY love this stuff". Although, it went more on his face than in his mouth.

Mommy and daddy looked like they were about to hurl from watching him lick up the sour cream and both said "yucky!!!"...which is his all time FAVORITE word and almost always produces this result...of EXTREME joy.

Another thing Cedar loves to do that daddy made up is smoosh foreheads together while we say the word "CYCLOPS!" because the other persons two eyes become one. Cedar wanted to do this with daddy.

And this is what happened (below). So I giggled and Boho Boy said with a straight face "Honey, try to take me seriously right now" and I snapped this photo:

Then Cedar wanted to play Cyclops with mommy.

And this was the result. So, I decided to share the love with you:

A few seconds after this photo of me was taken, a man holding onto a baby stood near our table looking around at the crowded restaurant. I kindly said "Sir, if you'd like to take our awesome table, we are finishing up here" and he suddenly looked scared and rushed off saying "no thanks!". I looked over at Boho Boy with puppy dog eyes saying "He was acting a bit odd" and he then said "Honey, you have sour cream all over your nose. He probably thought you were crazy."

Ohhhh...I had forgotten about the sour cream. But wouldn't you SO want the table with the sour cream smeared family? Good juju, right?

Have a wonderful Sunday and do something daring with your yummy extra hour.

xoxox

awesome news*

elizabeth maccrellish, canon 50d

I am SO excited that The Journal: Volume One has won the 2010 AWARD of EXCELLENCE in the category of ART BOOKS! You can read more about it here.  When I think of this collaboration, so many warm emotions fill up inside my heart.  Elizabeth had a vision years ago of a place for people to gather and create and connect and release and rest and let go and discover more of themselves in a safe, healing and inspiring environment.  It has been thrilling to witness how her vision has interwoven with so much more than what she began with.  She is a rockstar revolution starter and someone very dear to my heart.

On another note, here is another mini list of thoughts on my heart today:

• My favorite snack these days are seaweed snacks from Trader Joes.
• I am amazed that Cedar loves them too.
• I agree with Gemma and her beautiful comment in my previous post.  The connection Cedar had with that duck was definitely soul to soul.  We've gone to the pond a few more times and he was more intrigued and thrilled about being in nature than connecting with the ducks.   I think I felt it with the duck too.  I miss him deeply when we go the pond and send out hope that he is happy with his new family.
• I am so grateful that my husband let me sleep when Cedar got up at 4:30am...even though he had to leave for work a few hours later.  I love that he understands that being with Cedar all day requires just as much energy as he needs for his day job and that sleep is precious to me in order to be present with our son.
• He's getting a massage after work because he deserves it.
• I'm making vegan tacos tonight.
• I decided to not label my way of eating (vegan, vegetarian, or not, etc.).
• Labels make me want to break the rules.  I resist being put in a box.  Always have.
• I am being gentle with myself and my journey with food.
• I am learning what foods make me feel crappy and which ones make me feel awesome.
• Sometimes I still eat the foods that make me feel crappy because they taste so good.
• Does that make me a pleasure junkie?  ; )
• I love that most of my girlfriends are pleasure junkies.
• Perhaps that is why they are my girlfriends.

a list*

the bohos chilling at a pond this past weekend

I feel like I've been resisting a blog post lately because I have been at a loss for words. So rather than come to this space with a perfectly dreamed up concept for a post, I am just here. As I am. Wordless and giving myself permission to be.

Its not normal for me to feel unable to put my daily experiences or thoughts or feelings into words. I think it might be exhaustion. Boho Boy and I are both dealing with it, for different reasons, right now.

How about I make a list of some of what is transpiring in our life these days. A list feels so much less intimidating to my brain that is unable to flow at the moment.

• Every day we talk about our move to Washington in June.
• We've realized that living where we have has been both depressing and oppressive for our souls. Admitting that was really difficult but also freeing.
• I think my body responds to forest more than ocean.
• I always thought it was the ocean.
• But lately I keep dreaming of forests.
• Forests smell delicious and are cool and crisp and nurturing and you can walk in it.
• Forests remind me of faeries and gnomes and hobbits. Those are my people.
• I think Cedar is one of those people too.
• We found a duck pond not too far away from our home (see above).
• Cedar is now totally in love with ducks.
• Someone dropped a pet duck off at this pond. We saw the empty box and the duck wanted no part of the pond.
• He kept following Cedar and would snuggle up to me.
• This duck didn't know he was a duck. Cedar got attached.
• A family that was also there with a sweet boy decided to take the duck home.  It looked miserable and they were concerned.
• This family had land and was going to load up on all things duck on the way home.
• Cedar cried when they drove away with the duck.
• It was the saddest moment ever.
• The other day, while watching videos of Cedar on the laptop, the one with him and the duck following him around came on.
• Cedar immediately sat down where he was, cried, shook his head "no" and put his hands over his eyes.
• I held him for about 10 minutes while he cried.
• He remembered the duck from a week back. It both shocked me and melted my heart to the floor.
• Now we have to get him a duck when we move to Washington. ; )
• I was sick with a flu for a week last week.  When I got better, Boho Boy got sick.
• Now that Boho Boy is better, Cedar is going through a massive growth/brain spurt.
• So much so that he hasn't wanted to sleep.  He LOVES to sleep but lately his zest for life has been far too abundant for that.
• Mama and daddy are tired.  Today mama needs a cocktail.  But instead I drink water in a wine glass and pretend it is a martini.
• Boho Boy just called me and said he is bringing home Indian food.  Seriously?  He read my mind.  I didn't feel like cooking.
• Now I am a tired and HAPPY mama.
• I get jealous of my husband's garlic naan bread because it isn't gluten free.
• So I heat up a brown rice tortilla with Earth Balance butter and sprinkle it with garlic salt.
• Almost as good.  I think.  I guess I wouldn't know but I can pretend.
• Perhaps I am drawn to lists right now because I LOVE these pretty little arrows Jo created.  ; )

jedi wisdom*

May the force be with you.

Love, Cedar {Jedi Knight in training}

**************************************

“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.”

~ Yoda

romance*

pixie campbell, canon 50d

I feel surrounded in romance right now.

Freshly showered, I can hear the tiny drops of rain on our veranda behind me, up in our loft. The door is open and the crisp breeze comes whispering in and out of my wet dreads. My mug of yerba mate and its stream is drifting up, tickling my nose. I can hear the laughter of my boys downstairs.

And for the next few hours, I get to stare at her beautiful face...while I process the photos from our session last Saturday. I have so much to share about our time together. It transformed both of us in surprising and healing ways. I think you can see some of the healing emulating from Pixie in this image above. Just linger in that space with her, with me. Words are not enough.

She spilled some emotions about our time together here:

The Goddess of Calamity meets Venus

I will spill soon.

belly laughs and joy*

I took Cedar for a walk out and about where we live. He nestled his new blue ball under his arm and against his side, like a book. For a few days now, he had been trying to figure out how to throw a ball up rather than just forward or back. He looked at these steps and ran over to them and all of a sudden, he turned facing me, with a huge smile on his face and threw it up pretty high. We both totally squealed and clapped and I handed the ball to him again. We did this for about an hour.   The last photo is of him collapsing on the stairs in blissful exhaustion.  I tried to capture his excitement with my phone to send to my family and friends. I wanted to share it with you too.

We were breaking in his new rain paints we got at REI. They squeak when he walks but I think he feels like an astronaut or something. He sort of struts with them on. Really cute.

Every day, his personality comes pouring forth.  So far we have recognized that he is a huge clown and has an awesome sense of humor.  Like yesterday, when I picked him up from his nap, he was a bit tender.  I think he woke from a bad dream because he usually is all smiles when he wakes but this time he woke up almost screaming, with tears spilling.  So, I brought him to the rocking chair and rocked for a bit in silence, cradling him like a baby.  I looked down at him and started singing a song and all of a sudden he looks up at me and rolled his eyes like ..."oh mom, do you have to?!?" and I said "Cedar!  Oh my gosh...what was that about?!?" with a curious smile on my face and he burst into giggles.  Then he put a serious straight face on and rolled his eyes again, waiting for my reaction and then started giggling.  I mean, he's not even two yet.  Heck...he doesn't even communicate in full words yet but he fully understands how to make us laugh.  The other night he put a box on his head and was walking around the living room bumping into things and totally cracking up.   I love that he finds pure joy out of making us laugh.

Then there is this really tender side to him.  Yesterday at a park, there was a women sitting on a blanket that had a look of loneliness and sadness.  I noticed it but of course left her alone and sent her love quietly.  Cedar was leaning up against me starring at her.  His face was just so soft and worrisome.  Then he broke free from me, ran up to the side of her blanket, facing her and really LOUDLY said "HI!!!!"...and she said hello, quietly back to him.  He kept standing there, starring at her and again said "HI!!!" and she then looked over at me giggling and I apologized and she said to me "no, its really sweet." So he then proceeds to point up to the sky and then hold his hands out to his side and did a twirl and told her a story, in words we didn't understand (well, I sort of do by now) and it was very animated and enthusiastic and it had her gut laughing by the time he was done.  Then he walked over to me, sat down by me, gave out a big sigh as though he was thinking "Mission accomplished...now I can go play".  My heart about burst out of my chest.

I am so in love with the innocence and boundless energy of children.  How many times do we wish we could go up to a person sitting on a blanket that is looking sad and say "Hi!!!" until it lifts their mood?

I not only love him as a mother but I really dig him as a person.  I have a feeling our life is going to be full of a lot of belly laughs and joy with him around.

how the magic happens...

Boho Butterfly from e.darcy on Vimeo.

Here is my dear friend Erin, from the land of pixies & faeries (Ireland) painting our Boho Butterfly (seen in my Press & Connect links of my website). I love that she recorded her process. Such a mindful artist she is. Now, not only can we benefit from witnessing the layers of her magic but she will always have this to cherish and to share with her brand new baby girl Claire.

Erin and I connected through our fertility journeys. The paths to our babes were long and twisty and deep and wide and each of ours very different but also the same. She was always such a comfort to me. She is one of my soul-friends that has an ability to give me permission to release hard and messy feelings in a space of not being judged and where my tender heart is seen through it all. Because she just got it. Always.

I know this is why she was deeply connected to the paintings that are infused on each of the pages of my website. She knew my journey intimately and what poured out of her was the way she honors me as a woman that is fertile in a different way than the world may understand.

I love her so.

transformation*

photo of me taken by pixie campbell yesterday, during our post photo session pleasure field fest

I heard when your child approaches two, that a transformation of sorts begins for parents.  A dear friend the other day described it as gaining more awareness of how to balance "mother" and "other" and of course I had to joke about her and I dancing around to a chant with the words motha' and otha" in it.  : )

I truly do feel this transformation.  Its feels as though space is opening up in my mind and heart for what I feel passionate about again, aside from consciously parenting Cedar.  I am singing more.  I photographed an incredibly special artist yesterday.  I felt brave enough to launch my new website today which shares what my e-course is all about. I feel that inspiration swirling around in my gut. Fresh ideas are peeking around the corner in my mind.

I see this transformation in my husband too.  He is recognizing those other parts of himself aside from being an amazing father to Cedar and providing for our family.  The urges to go kayaking or play disc golf, to read and also write are surfacing for him again.

I think so much of it is Cedar turning two and becoming more independent.  I also think another element is that we are moving in June and our whole lives are going to shift in ways that will be so nourishing for our hearts, our bodies, our well beings and our family.  Perhaps subconsciously, we are preparing for it all.

I am so blessed that my beautiful web designer Jo, from The Darling Tree was somehow in touch with this transformation in my life.  It was like we joined forces and she TOTALLY got me and worked her magic to make it all come together and launch at just the right time. A while back, I sent Jo a messy dump of thoughts and inspirations on how I envisioned my website to look and feel.  It included gorgeous illustrations from my soul-friend Erin at Starving Artist Ink.  Over a course of a few months, Erin had painted watercolors for me that would be on every page of my website and infused throughout the theme of my e-course.  I wasn't sure if using someone else's illustrations was going to feel comfy for Jo but then she sent me her mock-up ideas and I literally got up out of my seat with my hands over my mouth saying "oh. my. goddess!!!"  I love how the art of these two outrageously talented women interwove images and emotions straight from my heart, my journey, my dreams.  I feel blessed and wrapped up by both of them...completely.

I look forward to sharing the messy and beautiful bits of this transformation taking place in my life...on these new whimsical pages.

something cedar taught me.

One precious thing that Cedar has been doing for as long as I can remember is closing his eyes when he really wants to feel something.  He'll do it when wind hits his face, when he is chewing something delicious, when he is running down a hill or walking with his arms wide open. He'll just close his eyes and smile and take deep breaths.  Many times I describe it as him drinking the moment in.  It really teaches me to be present in that moment and open up my senses.

Sometimes he'll close his eyes while he is building blocks or trying to fit a straw into a hole or put his train on the track. This is when I feel he is also trying to have another experience.  "This is how it feels to stack blocks with my eyes open and this is how it feels to stack blocks with my eyes closed.  Hmmm...its harder with my eyes closed."

Today we were at a pond and collected sticks to throw into it.  He would throw one with his eyes open and try the other one with his eyes closed.  He invited me to do the same.  He seems to love the challenge and also the shift in perspective.

So today it has me thinking about perspective and how we truly have the power to shift ours.  Just like the video I shared with you all yesterday on being alone.  It really moved me to rethink my definition of loneliness.  Especially because lately, I've been really craving a community where I can actually touch the skin of a person rather than type keys to connect.  Watching that video inspired me to reflect on those moments in my life that felt most healing and most of them (not all, but most) where when I was alone;  journal writing, sitting at the beach, dancing in my loft, busting out paints for the first time in my studio apartment in Berkeley, sitting at a coffee shop or laying on a blanket under a tree.  In those moments, I didn't realize a healing was taking place but upon reflection, those were the moments, infused with self nurturing, that gave me courage the next day to keep moving.  I was able to connect with myself in a way that felt whole rather than my energy being given out in a hundred different directions.

A shift in perspective.

Lately, my husband has been having a rough time with feeling overwhelmed and overtired in regards to work.  We've had a few hard nights of not connecting and saying things we don't mean.  Today, after spending time with Cedar and observing him closing his eyes and breathing in, I chose to look at what is going on with my husband in a different way.  Rather than try to over analyze him, I chose to look at my reactions and my triggers and realized that so many of them were rooted in fear.  Fear that I may lose him in many ways and that the free spirited 5th grade teacher I met years ago preferring writing his book over working, would resent me for the rest of his life for having to support his family at this time.  It was me taking it all on as though it was my fault.  It was me holding onto guilt for not being able to give energy equally to all of the parts that make me, me...motherhood, wifehood, sister, friend, daughter, writer, blogger, photographer, teacher and projecting it onto him as though he was saying I wasn't enough.  It was all my stuff.  Isn't it always?  It helps so much to self reflect and open up spaces for self nurturing and gentleness.  And I know when he has energy, he will do his own self reflecting and self nurturing.  So I sent him a love note explaining all of this.  Owning my part and promising to truly SEE him and listen and love. I cannot control his feelings but only my reactions to them and this is something I have been aware of for years but its so easy to forget when there are such big emotions whirling around.

So, now I know when he walks through that door tonight, I will see things a bit different.  Sort of like closing my eyes and opening them up again.

Here is a photo I took of Cedar and me today...when his eyes were wide open.  ; )

for my kindred...

shifting. perspective. i believe in you.

"lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless,
and lonely is healing if you make it." ~ tanya davis

little red caboose.

cedar is in love with trains right now. i like to serenade him while he plays. this time he joined in to say hello. MANY times. : )

harmonica groovin'.

; )

new threads*

My sister Dar was in town this week. She is a crafty goddess. It all comes natural to her (me...well, i have to work at it). When I told her about my circle of dread sisters and their ideas on how to adorn their dreads, she was inspired. Off to the craft store we went and I got to pick out all these pretty colors of embroidery thread. It was like a candy store. I could have taken them all home but I'm not really wanting a rainbow head. ; ) Just splashes of color here and there and a few that really stand out. I tried to get colors that went with the tones of my hair...except one green one. I heart green. My walls will tell you so.

I wanted to share a few pictures of it with you. A few with them up and one with them down, so you can see how they lay.

She took an embroidery needle (they are big) and after pulling the thread through the eye of the needle, she poked it in and out at the root of my dread and then criss-crossed the thread all the way down to where the knots stop (i have loose hair at the ends). Then she knotted it at the bottom but also closed it tight with a small black rubber band. I am curious how long they will stay in. I will have to be gentle when I wash my hair.  I was in need of some nourishing girl pamper time.  She made me feel like a medieval goddess.

Our time together was full of warmth and laughter.  She once taught preschool and elementary, so it is so inspiring to watch her interact with Cedar on the floor.  I learned a lot from her and so did he.  Within a few days, he was saying new words.  I also noticed he is a lot more animated in her presence.  He loves to entertain:  Throws his arms about while giving a speech, makes as many facial expressions as he can so we will laugh at him, uses objects as microphones to pretend he is on stage talking into them, also uses objects and pretends they are phones and while he chats away, he throws his head back in laughter.  Does mommy do that?  He must have got it from somewhere.  ; )

Darlene was often tackled with hugs and smothered with kisses.  I so adore that he is warmly affectionate...with humans, animals and stuffed animals.  She shares a bit about her time in our home on her blog here.  It means so much to have her here helping with Cedar so I could do things I normally wouldn't.  I really desire to be very present with him during our days...especially as he is sponging everything in around him.  So, sometimes laundry and cleaning take a back seat until nap time or when daddy comes home.  Dar gave me the freedom to work about the house.  Also, it was just so wonderful to have company.  I've been feeling lonely lately for in person friendship.  I know this will be more available to me when we move but right now, it's a bit rough.  My cup feels full.

{for the 94 of you that were not chosen by random.org for Keri Jioras's CD, my friend Brooke is having a giveaway on her blog here!}

rockin' a vest*

The unique, funky, fun and creative owner of Poor Pitiful Pearl sent me a vest made just for Cedar to model it for her shop. She's going to start designing clothes for boys and this was a bit of a test run.  Well, I had never tried a vest on Cedar and now I am in LOVE...and he totally dug it too.  I encourage you to look at her gorgeous duds.  She takes thrift shop finds and pieces them apart to make the most adorable, sexy and fun stuff.  Really groovy.

My sister is here this week, so I may be a bit quiet. Today I am coloring my hair with natural dye from Whole Foods and we're going to wrap embroidery thread around some of my dreads. We picked up some really gorgeous colors from a craft store last night. I've been in a bit of a slump with being creative with my hair and a circle of dread sisters in my life have inspired and encouraged me to PLAY.

I will announce the winner of the giveway (below) very soon. Just go to the bottom of that post.

Sending all of you groovy love.

Keri Jioras ~ GIVEaway

photo of keri by marybeth bonfiglio

I was introduced to Keri's music by my friend Marybeth (who will soon be my real life neighbor in June 2011).  Marybeth has often shared with me that Keri's voice is hypnotizing and here on her blog, she goes deeper into Keri as a friend, an artist and an inspiring soul.

Finally, I received a CD in the mail by Keri and I have not stopped listening since.  Her voice has been carrying me through my days.  So soulful and it makes me ache for the day I can sit with her on a couch and hear about the journey that led her to such soul drenched lyrics.

You can listen to a few of her songs from her debut album White Swan on her Myspace  or on CD Baby and iTunes.

We are giving away a CD here on my blog.  Just leave a comment on this post(one per person, please) and in a few days, a winner will be chosen over at random.org.  I will announce the winner at the bottom of this post.  You'll just need to send me an email with your mailing address.

Her music will shift your heart in beautiful ways.

Bio:

Singer Songwriter Keri Jioras’ voice is full bodied, infused with organic soul

melts, ethereal soundscapes and down home realness.  She shares with us bittersweet narratives on how we have all loved or have been loved.

White Swan is a breakthrough soundscape of Acoustic soul and Americana. Uniquely she pulls inspiration from a tapestry of  blues, future folk and alt-country. Her humble passion and earthy vibrations make it hard to take your eyes and ears off her. 

She has just finished recording at Bellcreek Studios working with producer Michael Iris on her first full length album.  

For reviews, interviews, and bookings please contact:

Keri Jioras Music Bellingham, WA

206.817.9599

honeykatradio@yahoo.com

www.myspace.com

*********************************************************

WINNER:  #77 Gemma who wrote:  "Oh how I need some soulful new music! My path is passing through some dry places right now and I don't know where it's leading. Thanks for the tip."

dear gemma, please email me at denise(at)bohophoto(dot)com and send me your mailing address for Keri to send off your yummy CD...congrats.  such healing timing for you.