cedar & me on the flight home from christmas holiday, taken by jon-erik, processed by me
hello my dear life coaches and gentle supporters!
so, i didn't do another video last night because if i had, i would have been sobbing and it wouldn't have been pretty (perhaps amusing though).
a lot of emotion surfaced for me last night. my detoxing wasn't so much physical but more emotional and i know that is part of the collective experience when cleansing/fasting.
my husband and i got into a discussion about our future. there are things that need to be different; like where we root ourselves in a home, him working one job rather than a few and me beginning to contribute financially more than i am now. if i wasn't in a tender space and was in a more logical space, i would have been a super star but instead, i was on the defense and unable to sit in his space and only able to stand in mine and all i felt was overwhelm. i also felt like i wasn't enough. this wasn't at all coming from him but i was projecting it onto him that he was saying these things. truly, it was coming from that Virgo spirit of mine that tends to be a perfectionist and feels she needs to have all of her ducks in a row in order to start something and if they are not in a row, things never start and i end up feeling shame or failure.
the beautiful thing is that i recognize this as it not being truth and is just those inner gremlins that want to bring me down and not look at all i am doing and being and feeling and experiencing (which is amazing). those inner gremlins put my blinders on and only want me to look at what is not being accomplished and rarely what is.
all of this was part of what i shared a few posts ago. i am really marinating in this time with cedar and learning the ways of being the kind of mother i want to be. being inspired to delve into things i never thought i ever would (sewing is one of them). i am also wondering where the other parts of me fit in. the woman who has a book to write and a story to tell before it fades away into nothingness in my mushy brain. the woman who has a soulful ecourse to finish writing and designing so that it can get up and running and go gently out into the world of hearts that need it. these are all parts of who i am and i am not willing to let the later two go but i am needing to figure out ways to make sure they do not take away from my intentions to be a very present mother. everyone deals with these issues, i know. yesterday they just felt so enormous to me. any other day i may have eaten a pizza or a bowl of ice cream or freshly popped corn but when you're on a cleanse, you are faced with dealing, not avoiding.
so, there were a lot of tears, which ended in hugs and apologies and empathy and lifting one another up, sitting in one another's spaces. nothing has been resolved. we sort of laughed at the end and decided that being on a cleanse and discussing these huge issues is tender territory and decisions don't need to be made right now. but they are weighing heavy on my heart.
receiving your kind comments about the glow you see in my skin and my eyes yesterday helped. ; ) of course that feels very motivating! although i think part of my glow had to do with really good lighting as the previous two videos i did was in crap lighting. but i will still embrace your kindness and receive it as truth! my skin does feel softer and smoother today and i feel lighter in body and looser in my clothes and as though i am into the groove of not eating. i feel more clear on why we are doing this. doing a lot of research on cleanses and fasts and how healing they are to the body.
i don't feel hungry today. i actually feel a but nauseous. it could have to do with the fact that i had a cup of straight senna leaf tea last night, which kept me up the majority of the night with horrible stomach cramps. i typically drink smooth move tea, so i am going to go back to that one, as the straight senna leafs don't quite agree with me at all. smooth move tea has senna leaf but also other tummy soothing herbs.
i wanted to share with those that suggested using Himalayan pink salt in my morning salt water flushes rather than sea salt does indeed help with flavor. it is not as "sea salty" but i did notice it not working as well. so, this morning i took a deep breath and went back to the sea salt...which was awful but it works so much quicker!
my niece today suggested i try limes instead of lemons for a day for something exciting and new! ; ) so i am going to get some today at whole foods.
i feel drained today from last night. really quiet and mindful. softly walking in my steps. allowing myself to feel tender and to pay attention to my dreams and goals in a gentle way.
thank you for hanging in there with me.