joy that dwells far within slow time*

{my favorite feather, given to me by Rain. it reminds me that it is okay to need softness in my life}

As I sit here at my desk facing the window and little rain drops lightly fall onto the glass, I am feeling a deep peace. This peace comes from a dear friend reaching out and sending me a poem that spoke deeply to my heart. So deeply that I feel it puts words to the journey I am currently on and it puts an end to my quest to find the words, to name it. That is a weight lifted. As I read it tears fell and I whispered "yes...that is it. every. single. word."

I wanted to share it with hope that you to may find comfort in these words as well.

A BLESSING FOR ONE WHO IS EXHAUSTED:: by John O'Donohue*

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic, Time takes on the strain until it breaks; Then all the unattended stress falls in On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim. Things you could take in your stride before Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit. Gravity begins falling inside you, Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out. And you are marooned on unsure ground. Something within you has closed down; And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time. The desire that drove you has relinquished. There is nothing else to do now but rest And patiently learn to receive the self You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken And sadness take over like listless weather. The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground; Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight, Taking time to open the well of color That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone Until its calmness can claim you. Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit. Learn to linger around someone of ease Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself, Having learned a new respect for your heart And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

{thank you, kirsten. i love you.}

baptism*

I remember in the dark of the night, walking up to a friend's cabin at Squam a few years back. She and a few others were huddled in front, bundled in sweaters and scarves but their hair was soaked. Each of their faces were filled with a rosy-cheeked glow. I knew something went down and when I asked, they excitedly told me how they just returned from skinny dipping by moonlight in the lake. I remember feeling my heart take flight for each of them and at the same time, it ached to feel that free in my body and comfortable in my skin.

I've attracted quite a few free spirited friends in my life. I lived vicariously through their stories of running naked with people in a field or soaking nude in a hot springs. I've often wondered what it would feel like to be so uninhibited that way. I wondered if I was capable of not being self conscious. I grew up in a very modest household. We didn't walk around naked like some of my friend's families. We always dressed or went to the bathroom in private. I honor this way of being too. I am grateful that I considered my body, my temple sacred when in romantic relationships at such a young age. All of that served me so well then.

But now, especially lately, I ache for a freedom and acceptance and celebration of my body. Perhaps its turning 40. Perhaps its me wanting to release the wounds left from (in)fertility and the doubts that crept in about me being fully woman. Perhaps its me being more open to the call of sisters long before me that danced under the moon with their skin glowing and curves swaying up on a mountaintop where shame didn't exist. Perhaps me pulling the layers of clothing off would feel symbolic to me of renewal and rebirth and transformation in this new world I am living in. Whatever it is and I know I don't really need to know what it is exactly yet...but this ache led me to something so beautiful that happened yesterday.

A new organic farmer friend of mine invited me over to this glorious house where she is house sitting up on a hill over looking the bay. In my mind, I imagined us snuggling up on the couch with tea and soaking in this very first time her and I had alone. Any other time we were together with both of my boys. Her and I have been longing for girl time. When I arrived, the sun came out and warmed our skin after a spell of such chilled weather, so we decided to say out on the deck. She had told me she put the hot tub on and that she wanted to go in nude. I sat with her on the deck, as we both were petting a cat and I felt my heart pounding in my chest. She held me gently with her gaze, and I felt the tears come and I shared with her how healing this will be for me and that I have never been fully nude out in the open with a friend. I knew this was the time. The time to shed the temptation to hide, to shed shame and to accept I am fully woman, along side this other woman...fully woman. She was moved that this was new and tender and that she was the one to honor it all with me.

I found myself wanting to savor the moment. I shed my clothing one by one, slowly. We then soaked our bodies and it was the most natural feeling. Mmmmm...water on skin, sun on face, crisp breeze on shoulders, the sounds of nature echoing around us. I wondered why it took me so long to be in this space but at the same time, I also honored the perfect timing of it all. And now I get it. I get the healing power of being fully nude in mother nature alone or among people you feel safe with. Like a friend said to me yesterday, it felt like a baptism and a coming home to an ancient part of me that wants to be heard and felt and seen and loved and held divine like a newborn is fresh from the womb and into our arms.

This photo was taken shortly after our time together in the tub. Her and I were on our knees, looking out the window, reading from a book of Buddhist quotes. My skin still moist, my dreads still dripping, the peace radiating from my heart. I wanted to take this photo to remember the complete surrender I felt in this moment. The connection to God and Goddess and all things living and breathing. One love surrounding me, within me.

When I looked at this image, I cried. Yes. THAT is how it felt. There it is. Baptism captured.

stillness*

finally able to hang the hammock we've had all these years

I'm moving so much slower these days, folks. Not in a lethargic way. But in a peaceful way. After so many years of yearning, stretching, reaching, going, wanting, I am finally being still. My mind feels quieter, simpler. My heart feels less complicated. I didn't think this was possible and I am not questioning it too much. But everything feels more fluid and our rhythm feels soft and lazy and in the moment. At first it felt foreign to me, like I was missing something and I ached, perhaps even grieved the noise that used to be inside of me but I think I was detoxing and now I am feeling more cleansed and open and able to hear the bird songs and gaze into a neighbors eyes longer and be perfectly fine observing Cedar in his world without needing to upload the photo immediately to the internet. Just simpler. Pausing. Listening. Stillness.

I told a friend this week that I think this is meditation for me. I thought I would come here and just devour the wisdom the Pacific Northwest had to offer but I notice rather than harvest it all, I am sitting with it, being IN it...and letting it speak to me slowly. One voice at a time. One plant at a time. One flower at a time.

cedar gathering our flowers in a mason jar

I went on a walk today with a few neighbor ladies. Twice my age. Sage's, they are. One of them took me through her enchanting over grown garden. She showed me how to dig a plant and re-plant it. She showed me which flowers of hers I could take to my yard. A young man came out from behind her house and she introduced me. Told me she just met him today at a pizza place and he was new in town and needed some work. He had kind big blue eyes and unruly blond hair. He reminded me of Cedar and how he may be when older. I invited him over to our place to show him what is growing around us and how I plan to plant tons and tons of lavender. I feel connected to lavender. I want it everywhere. He had just spent some time with a lavender farmer at the market. It was serendipity.

lavender we just planted on the side of the house

He sat with us and shared his vision of sustainable communal living while sitting on our front lawn in lotus position. My husband was laying in the hammock nearby, listening. Cedar was rolling a ball over to him while he talked. He offered to help us with our gardening. And I just found my heart full. My phone wasn't near. My laptop tucked away upstairs. For a second, I felt what it was to be living a life how it would be without technology and I wanted more of it. What would that be like? To just be so fully available to what is in front of you? I think I have felt so distracted for so long and now there is so much clearing. I am pondering it all.

My sister is coming tomorrow for a week. I am hoping being here is as healing this time as it was last time for her.

Sending each of you stillness. Om. One love.

flying butterflies and bubbles*

We are nearing towards the end. Almost our whole life in boxes. Everyone's emotions ebbing and flowing. Moving your bodies and things into a brand new home in a brand new State takes purging to a whole new level. Not just the physical purging but the emotional kind. I've been finding old letters and photos and reading through old journal entries. I have found folders filled with paperwork from doctors and acupuncturists regarding our fertility journey. Folders filled with every single piece of the adoption pie. Memories...memories that these four walls held sometimes gently, other times fiercely. I am grateful for all of it. I am also weary of it and ready to move forward from what has begun to feel like being a bit stuck. We're all sensing the forward movement. We're feeling the peeling, the opening, the readying for something we've been craving for ages. Inspiration is beginning to weave back into our thoughts. Yesterday I was sitting on the kitchen floor, cleaning out what was underneath our kitchen sink. Listening to Mindy Gledhill's album Anchor and swaying back and forth. Singing. Laughing. Feeling so much Joy. Today I sat in that same spot after my husband and son left for an hour. As soon as they walked out the door, I wept in my hands. Feeling really raw today and weary and trying not to question it all. Probably overwhelm. Probably not getting enough sleep. Probably stress and worry. Or perhaps just RELEASE. I find it interesting how much I am vacillating.

Been thinking a lot about my family. That love is so solid and constant, no matter what absolute crazy is going on...I think of my mother and father...my two sisters...my nieces and nephews...my mother in law and Boho Bro and I just want to send them love right now. I wish I could float to each of them in a tiny bubble and offer them the peace and joy that bubbles bring to Cedar. In times of big transition, you hold onto what feels constant and true.

I may be offline for a few weeks. I may not. I will try to post little photos and stories but I know my life is about to be such a whirl wind of NEW. Cedar's been able to work through all the chaos in a way that has surprised each of us. He is bending and flowing and then melting like we've never seen him melt before. Packing has been slower because of this. We pack a box and then we sit with him and stay present. We pack a box, then we play with him. We pack a box and we hold him. I have learned that he is more peaceful with order. Its so interesting to see their personalities evolving. The other day he picked up a crumpled up paper and walked into the kitchen and placed it in the waste basket. He did it again with a piece of fruit he was done with. Again and again. I see him put away his toys when he wants to play with another. This is all new and fascinating. So we are trying our best to maintain order in the chaos so that he can feel some normalcy through it all.  Although I know I cannot carry everything and that chaos will happen and he will melt again and that is when I take deep breaths and sit on the floor and laugh or sway or cry or do both at once.  Transition is big.  Emotions through transition are big.  Time to leave our safe cocoon and stretch our wings and fly like three beautiful butterflies.  We might start out wobbly...but oh how the flight will feel GOOD.

Bubbles...ahhh...bubbles. How I would love to take a ride in a bubble tonight.

The Tao of Packing*

pixie, cedar, me...photo by stacy

It seems I have to go back to purge piles or boxes three or four times until I am left with what I truly need or nourishes me.  Each time I come back to these piles, I find that I am in a deeper mindset of simplicity, so it is easier to lighten the load and let go of the stuff I was holding onto.  I feel like this is a metaphor for my life lately...not just with moving but with all things.  The Tao of Packing. ; )

its all about The Mother*

I was talking to my marmie last night and she had me giggling hard. It was SO good to hear such pep in her voice. She sounded so alive. Its been a long time since I heard her excited about even the small things...a new kitchen faucet, a new vacuum and a new DRINK that has her preaching on corners. Usually I am the one that calls her with some fabulous new way of eating or herb or concoction of sorts that is supposed to transform your well being, so it was fun to be on the receiving end at a time when I needed to hear it.

Some of you may remember my post a bit ago about her health. Well, she has been healing slowly and has put back on some of her weight that she lost but it is what she recently discovered that is accelerating her healing. She's been drinking Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar every morning. She said within 3 days, she found herself doing more around the house and then eventually she noticed she had long periods of energy bursts and overall her well being feels more balanced.

I phoned her the other day a bit of a weepy mess. For months now, I have felt constant flu-like symptoms. Sort of like a cold that is about to explode but it never goes too far. We got a new health insurance and I am not too crazy about our doctor. He just seems so disinterested and unhappy with his own lot. So of course we always think about my naturopath. I have complete faith in her work and her mind and her drive and her care of me. But our insurance doesn't cover her...so its always about saving and waiting. Anyways, I was crying to my marmie on the phone. Just needing to be heard and to list all the weird things I am feeling in my body: sore throat, headache, achy bones, exhaustion...even when I get a full night's rest, stuffy head, heavy chest and how sometimes its not that noticeable and sometimes it makes me crash but never enough to completely freak me out until recently. Mainly the last few months I have been so focused on Cedar and Boho Boy has had his own health issues, that I just sort of fluffed it off to allergies or asthma (which I have had all of my life). So she listened intently and told me to contact my naturopath pronto. Its funny how sometimes all you need is a little push from your mother. I wrote my naturopath that evening.

The next day I received a note back and she asked me about the air quality in our home because my symptoms lead her to believe it may be contributing. Then it was like my eyes opened up wider and a fog slipped away and for the first time that made the most sense to me. Five or so months ago, we had to rip apart parts of walls for a plumbing issue. Huge chunks of drywall missing and lots of open exposure in four different rooms. Well, the holidays happened and then life got incredibly busy and we both simply forgot about it, even though it is glaring us in the face every day. The air quality in our home must completely suck and neither one of us even thought of it or attributed it to our most recent health issues. This is SO not like us to not be mindful about this stuff (especially my husband), so it goes to show you how foggy brained we have been.

We are on top of it, getting it fixed right away but what is interesting, is even just the awareness that this is what is mostly likely causing so much of what we've been going through, has felt healing. We feel terrible about not being more mindful about it...more importantly for Cedar and thank goodness he has a stellar immune system and has not been ill.

A huge weight has been lifted from me because part of me felt I was going mad and wondering how on earth I was feeling so crappy when I have been putting a lot of intention into being healthy and natural in all ways. Anyways, when I talked to my mother to tell her what we think it might be, she was so relieved and agreed it made perfect sense and then went on and on about Braggs Apple Cider Vinegar. ; ) She got me so pumped about it that I took Cedar to Whole Foods right when I got off the phone with her to pick up a bottle.

She said "make sure it says 'with The Mother' on the bottle. It's all about The Mother!!" And getting off the phone with her I thought to myself how right she is.

Today was my first day drinking it. I find it lighter tasting than Kombucha. Kombucha always made me feel drunk. Which is awesome and fun but not conducive to my life right now. ; )

I will let you know how awesome I feel on this stuff.  See...I am already manifesting.

You can read about the benefits here.

So, this is what she's been drinking every morning...

• 8oz cold water
• 2 tsp Bragg's ACV
• 2 tsp organic honey (preferably local)
• stir well until dissolved. tastes better with straw!  make sure to do it in morning or early afternoon.

moon water*

Last night, I left this in the kitchen for my husband to see when getting ready for work this morning. A bit of the water was gone when I woke up. My belly felt warm inside knowing he had taken a drink before leaving and that Cedar too has taken a few sips.

This Full Moon...She has been healing.  I have felt very connected to Her this month.  Since the decision has been made to postpone my e-course until space opens up in my life to give of myself in that way, I have felt a lightness of being.  This is when I know the  decision was a right one.  Since, I have felt more present with Cedar (read: doing less dishes, laundry and emailing less, more sitting on the floor and listening, playing, communicating, observing).  I have noticed a shift in him as well.  We so pick up on one another's energy but I think it is more than that.  I think he feels more connected to me now that I am more available to connect with.

I heard something from a friend today that is the embodiment of what is transforming already for me:  When I surrender to motherhood fully and am present to these little ones, it seems like more doors open, more time appears, more creativity flows.  My energy level rises.  When I struggle with it, which is necessary to do and it part of our work, I am blocked and unhappy and tired.

I didn't realize how much the stress of taking on something that is so huge and important to me was filling up massive amounts of space in my days.  As the stress is lifting, space is opening. I feel it deep and wow, am amazed that I am walking around with a bit more energy and dare I say, inspiration! Cedar even went down for a second nap today. That is UNHEARD of around here.

It is a dear dream of mine to share my story, to gather women, to nourish, to connect and to feel and see the purpose of my journey.  There are more dreams.  I have SO many dreams.  I am a dreamer.  And for five years, I shared in this space another dream.  That dream was to be a mother.  That is one dream I AM living.  So with this one dream of mine to be the mother that Cedar needs, there may be other dreams that will still be in my heart but will patiently wait until I have the time and space to nurture them.  It could be in 6 months or 1 year or even 2 years but they will be given wings to fly.

Last night I brought my bowl of water up to the veranda.  I held it near my heart.  I gazed up at the bright and lusciously full Moon for a long while.  I took deep breaths.  I allowed myself to feel the pull of energy, the vibration and the light.  I looked down at my bowl of water and saw the reflection of the moon dancing in the soft waves.  It was then I noticed I was swaying.  I asked our Moon to bless this water with healing and calm and knowing as my family steps into this new journey:  Cleansing and preparing for an environment that is simpler, quieter and more trusting.

As the Full Moon shows Her brightness, I myself am feeling full inside. Grateful for being honest with myself.  Grateful that my husband was honest with me about his concerns.  Grateful that I have received an abundance of support and gentleness from family and friends.  Grateful for my dreams and how patient they are with me.  Grateful for remembering that I am living one of my most precious dreams.  Grateful it has been revealed to me that it is okay to slow down, to marinate and discover the creativity and coolness of being exactly where I am at today.

I am sipping this Moon Water all day in reflection and feeling these truths sink into my bones.

i love mud.

{this is me, at the end of the day, lounging outside at the hot springs.  taken with my phone for my family and friends that were inquiring how i was feeling.  i think this photo says it all.  especially because i still have mud in my dreads!}

On my birthday, I woke up to a spa packet on the table with a note that said something a long the lines of..."You have given so much to me and Cedar and have lost countless hours of sleep without much alone time.  We want you to be pampered."

He sent me away yesterday to Glen Ivy Hot Springs for a day full of treatments (massage, detox wrap, facial, pedicure and an underground body mask & shower). I then went to a hotel and spent the night in a huge bed, sleeping longer than I have in two years, without interruption.

Holy tears.  Boho Boy often tells me that he sees and recognizes all the little things I do as a stay at home mother and wife but there was something so beautiful about him planning this for me.  It was a testimony to "actions speak louder than words", you know?  I really FELT that he got what I was needing and honored me and created this space for me to renew myself...even if it meant that the weekend would be extra hard on him having to manage both work and Cedar, with no help.  It was selfless and I do not take that for granted.

So, I love mud now.  ; )  There was this area called Club Mud where you walk into a muddy pool and in the middle is a pillar with a huge clump of mud and you smooth it all over your body, step outside, lay out in the sun until it dries and you exfoliate your body with a towel and then stand underneath a tiny cave with a shower in it. I have never done this before.  My body loved it.

These particular hot springs were not exactly what my husband imagined for me.  It was actually a bit club med-like...with cement and pools everywhere and people drinking and partying and making out.  It was definitely a social place to gather and I think I was the only one alone.  But there was a moment when I was in the Grotto, which is an underground cave-like place where when you first walk in, someone brushes your body (with your bathing suit on) with a lotion type mask and then you walk into this other dark room where you rub the lotion into your body for 20 minutes.  I was surrounded by couples rubbing lotion all over one another getting so totally heated if you know what I mean and there I was sitting by myself.  It was then that I had an epiphany.  Hey...this moment is all about self love for me. This whole days is. So I closed my eyes and gave my body love...especially those parts that I can often feel disconnected from and I sent those bits energy of acceptance and forgiveness and pure unconditional lovey love.

This ritual was all this weekend needed to be about.  A time to reconnect with my spirit, my body...to breathe and listen...to be gentle and quiet and empty the mind.  I am so grateful for this gift my husband gave to me.

Today I am home and I feel so renewed.  It is wonderful to be back with my boys.  I walked in the door to a husband that greeted me with a big romantic kiss and a long hug.  He sunk into me and I could tell he missed me as much as I missed him.  I spooned Cedar in our bed until he fell asleep for his nap.  My nose was nuzzled into his curls all dried and crispy from daddy's breakfast that morning.  He smelled like dirt and eggs and I loved it.  My senses feel heightened.  I feel rested.  I have more energy.  I even feel a bit more sexy.

I think if we were to go to another hot springs, it would be more the hippy kind.  You know...where the pools actually are in the ground and you can be naked or not and it is a quiet space where people aren't talking.  Do any of you know of a place like this?  I'd like to send my husband there and perhaps go there together one day.  We do know of Esalen...but are there others?

39 is sublime.

self portrait, 2007

Today I turn 39. I am excited to be approaching 40...just like I was excited to approach 30. A new layer to my journey.  Sinking deeper into who I am.  Deeper into being more comfortable in my skin.

I've been tender with emotion the last few days.  Sitting with these feelings  Stepping into them.  Reflecting on my life, the balance between openness and protecting my heart.  Meditating on what feels authentic in my bones and what feels forced.  I sense a renewal coming.  A cleansing of sorts in many areas of my life.  I've been thinking about age and what it means to me.

I remember in my late twenties, I was outside of my parent's house and my dad noticed a gray hair on my head. "Geeez...you have a gray hair!" My response was "Really? Where? That's awesome!"  I don't necessarily feel that way about gray hairs on my head now. : )  But I do notice that I am not afraid of age but rather intrigued and thrilled.  Not sure if that will change but I am reveling in it now.

I took this self portrait while waiting for an appointment with a well know psychic in my area three years ago.  This waiting room was so very eclectic.  Not too long after this photo was taken, I was told by said psychic that a boy spirit of a baby I had in another life wanted to come back into this life to be with me.  I was a Queen, which allowed concubines to breastfeed my children and one of them was left longing for a deeper connection to me, in this life. My life had been easy...many things done for me or to me, without much independence.  In this life I wanted to know what suffering felt like.  I wanted to feel more, period.

She said other things but these were the two that continue to come into my mind.  Here I am three years later with a boy and my whole life I have FELT...everything.  Intense suffering has led to intense joy.  Not sure what to believe...but what I do know is that her telling me that felt romantic and seems to parallel how my life is unfolding.

{i woke up this morning to a husband singing happy birthday to me, hovering over my pillow lit up by a candle burning, stuck inside a gluten free/vegan raw raspberry cheesecake slice.  a.d.o.r.a.b.l.e.}

 ps. the psychic also said that my husband was a nobleman in our past life and we were in love but not allowed to be together and that is why he searched for me in this life.  that's pretty hot.  ; )

no more lemonade!

cedar in my shades last night, celebrating with us, taken with phone

Yesterday was our last day on the cleanse. We decided to end early because we have friends visiting tomorrow and since they travel all over the country in an RV for months we wanted to provide them a home cooked meal. I just couldn't see myself cooking a veggie curry while sipping lemonade. Call it no will power. Or call it a deep need to connect with my friends when they are here while passionately enjoying a healthy meal together. Not only would it have been awkward for them to eat in front of us but it would have been pure torture! Not into torture, thanks. ; )

So today its all about orange juice to help prepare our bodies for solid food. Mmmmm! I am going to be gentle with the curry. I won't put any sauce on it. So, for me it will be brown rice, tofu, tempeh, veggies, pineapple, raisins, etc. Oh the joy.

Yesterday (Day 8) was so tough for me. I woke up feeling grumped out. I am sure much of it was psychological. I struggled with ending the cleanse a few days earlier than planned. I worried that we were halting the detox process too early. I felt disappointed that I had only lost a few pounds and I only felt this way because Boho Boy had lost twice as much. Boys! I also just felt so very done with lemonade and anything liquid, really. All of this was because it was the last day. Its the same feeling right before vacation when you just can't seem to focus on anything but not being at work. Or the last day of school and you just can't bring yourself to do your studies.

I had to really regroup and get centered. I had to come to a place of forgiveness about ending early and an appreciation of my priorities about gatherings with friends. I had to embrace all the goodness that came out of 8 days of cleansing. The fact that I am craving pure and wholesome food. That processed food and meat make me want to gag. That I feel I have reset my desire to take care of my body, mind and soul. I am also grateful for all of the emotions that surfaced. Stuff I have been burying deep and that sans the brain fog, I could work through them with more clarity. I love that Boho Boy and I have remembered how sacred quiet time together is, sharing more and not needing to numb out on a film. We were extremely connected during this process.

Yesterday, to somewhat make up for not going the full 10 days, I did a colonic. My very first one. Lets just say I didn't enjoy it that much. I am extremely modest with that sort of thing, so I think I wasn't relaxed enough (not to mention the funky head space I was in). The technician was so very patient with my nerves and helped me with massage and a calm voice. I am glad I went through with it and I can say that today I feel lighter and fully cleansed and pure as a result. They discussed with us that they have a 21 day cleansing program that involved eating and supplements. I think next time we do a cleanse, we will try this.

We have bookmarked and cut out a plethora of raw food recipes. The gourmet kind. So, now we need to dust off our food dehydrator and have some fun. I am allowing myself to actually look at recipes today. Oh man...I can't wait.

I apologize for not doing a vlog everyday as I said I would try. What is happening in Haiti just sort of shifted that desire for me. It felt a bit self absorbed or presumptuous that anyone would be interested when I would hope their energies would be with those in Haiti and not with me. I know my readers are gentle beings with huge hearts and I knew your focus would be with Haitians and the inner shifts going on inside of you as a result.

Being on a cleanse while this happened in Haiti absolutely made me more present to what was transpiring there. It brought to surface my missionary heart. This is something I need to look at. Much of my meditation was spent in prayer for them. I wonder if I wasn't on the cleanse, if my intentions would have reached that level of empathy. I would hope so but I am not certain.

Thank you so, so much for your coaching and support through this process. It has meant the world to me and has made a huge difference in how far I went. I feel grateful that I did an 8 full day cleanse feeling circled and wrapped in love.

No more lemonade!

compassion.

Yesterday and today I just can't seem to bring myself to record a vlog about my cleanse. My heart is heavy with what is transpiring in Haiti and me sitting in from of a camera sharing about my body eliminating toxins seems self absorbed. But I know many of you are just starting the cleanse or going to do one soon and were hoping to hear how it is going. So I promise to write a bit at the end of this post. I know full well how important it is to not feel alone on a cleanse journey. I don't know how people do this alone. I myself need partners to get through not eating for long periods of time. Food is a huge part of my life and it will continue to be so and I am looking forward to next week when we can play with some raw food recipes and soups and getting creative with veggies. But just me even writing this feels strange. There are thousands of people in Haiti that just need a glass of clean water and a blanket and I am talking about playing with recipes. It just puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?

Somebody dear wrote this on my facebook page today about Haitians...

"let's see them as healthy and well and safe, let's not give any more energy to the suffering. see them as cared for and fed and having water to drink and knowing the world loves them."

I know what she means. She is hoping us envisioning them in this way will manifest this healing. I am holding onto this vision then too. Because all I can do from here is pray and donate and spread the word and now...I will be envisioning healing beyond the suffering.

I was talking with Cedar about compassion yesterday. This morning I remembered that when Cedar was born, Myriam had sent us this shirt for him to wear (in photo above) for when he was a wee older. Its a design from her awesome company Joy Spread the Word. I grabbed it out of his dresser and felt chills when we put it on him. So perfect for what it is I want to teach him through all of this. I already see compassion in him in his behavior towards adults and even children at the park. I want to raise him with compassion for the world. Its the missionary heart in me that I hope to share with him as he grows older. I'd love to see our family someday trek to another country in need and give of our hearts there. My oldest and dear friend Letha and her family living now in Uganda are such an inspiration.

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Master Cleanse Days Six & Seven:
I feel like during the days I am coasting a bit. I am not around crowds of people cooking foods in an office kitchen like my husband, so I feel blessed that I can cocoon here in my home. The hardest part for me is the night. Especially last night (day five). I was feeling down about Haiti and I noticed I was hungrier. Its a mental thing because I associate hard emotions with comfort food. I was craving unhealthier foods for the first time in a few days. I laid down with my husband on the ground with Cedar and whined about me wanting my favorite naughty meals. What continued to put it in perspective were those in Haiti dealing with hunger and thirst in a horrible way. I stopped rolling around on the ground complaining and just drank more water, tea and lemonade. Took a lot of deep breaths and remembered why I am doing this; to rid my body of toxins that have been making me feel like crap.

I do feel like I am in detox mode. My tongue has a white film on it. I am eliminating much more than I did in the first few days of this cleanse. I need a nap during the day and I cannot do too much around the house. I go in and out of euphoria and being pensive and emotional. Although I no longer have headaches.

Overall I am doing much better this time around than the first time doing this cleanse. I am not getting sick so far with mucus filled lungs as before. I love how soft my skin is and I notice my face looks a bit younger. I was dealing with some dark under eye circles and bags and fine lines between my brows. I notice it seems more smooth. My mind is definitely more sharp than it has been in months. I even worked on my ecourse for a while the other night and felt inspired and jazzed and nourished by it all.

I am not losing a lot of weight this time around either. I think the first time I did this cleanse by day 7 I had lost 10 pounds. This time I think I've lost about five. It could be that my metabolism is slower now that I am nearing 40 or that my body is focusing on other things. I am trying to not put too much energy into the weight loss.

We are going to have to cut our cleanse short. We have friends visiting on Sunday that tour around the country in their RV with their family. They will be in our town this weekend. We really want to provide them a home cooked meal in a house since they are always on the road and how boring for us to be drinking lemonade while they eat our delicious food! So, we will start drinking the orange juice and broth on Saturday...the 9th day of the cleanse. This way the gathering will be comfy and warm and inviting.

{see my previous post for links on how to help Haiti}

boho master cleanse ~ day five

You will be able to see in this video that my spirits have lifted so much. A lot of that has to do with all of you that were brave enough to spill about your own journeys regarding the desire to nurture your creative self when there are other commitments you also want/need to be present for. I feel so honored that you feel safe in this space to move through your own emotions. They teach me. They nurture me. They guide me. I am sitting in a soft, grateful space today because of you.

My hubs and I had a good chat about opening up more space for me to create. Meaning, we are going to schedule in evenings that I go out to a coffee shop or hide upstairs in our studio with ear phones and work a few hours per night (or at least every other night). The only reason why this "me" time has faded was because his work load became greater (he works a full time job during the day and a full time job owning his own database design firm at night and he also helps a few other peeps with computer stuffs). We are working as a team to figure out how he can lessen his load so that he can spend more time with us, as well as, nurture his own creative path (which is writing his novel) and how I can have space to finish my projects and connect to that passionate artist within me.

I love you Master Cleanse! If we weren't doing this it might have taken longer for us to carve out time to open up and work through it. We have been consuming our family moments with eating dinner and then perhaps watching a film later in the evening. Now that we're just sipping lemonade all day there is ample time to work on the inner hurts, the inner passions and questions and desires in our hearts that a pizza or big plate of pasta has been replacing. ; )

We don't have all the answers yet but the fact that we feel more mindful and more aware feels very harmonious with the shifts we want to create in our life going forward after this cleanse.

Meeting Cedar's needs is of course our first and most important priority, so we are taking one day at a time with these new intentions and Cedar's happiness will be our guide. We've been waiting for Cedar for so long and we are in a space of not taking this time for granted.

Took this photo of him today. Oh how his sweet gentle spirit makes me swoon:

Thank you for all of your love and I am blown away by how many of you are starting your own cleanse. Do use this space to spill your journeys. Its wonderful to hear your perspectives on not eating food for a week (or more).

Off to sip some more Lemonade and oh yes...limes are a fun switch up. I will do limes twice a day to make it more exciting! And the slushy bowls at night are a huge hit around here.

{Forgot to mention in the vlog that my tongue is definitely coated with the white icky stuff which tells me I am deep in the trenches of detox!}

{{cedar engraved heart necklace i am wearing in the vlog is designed by stacy of bella wish!}}

boho master cleanse ~ day four

cedar & me on the flight home from christmas holiday, taken by jon-erik, processed by me

hello my dear life coaches and gentle supporters!

so, i didn't do another video last night because if i had, i would have been sobbing and it wouldn't have been pretty (perhaps amusing though).

a lot of emotion surfaced for me last night. my detoxing wasn't so much physical but more emotional and i know that is part of the collective experience when cleansing/fasting.

my husband and i got into a discussion about our future. there are things that need to be different; like where we root ourselves in a home, him working one job rather than a few and me beginning to contribute financially more than i am now. if i wasn't in a tender space and was in a more logical space, i would have been a super star but instead, i was on the defense and unable to sit in his space and only able to stand in mine and all i felt was overwhelm. i also felt like i wasn't enough. this wasn't at all coming from him but i was projecting it onto him that he was saying these things. truly, it was coming from that Virgo spirit of mine that tends to be a perfectionist and feels she needs to have all of her ducks in a row in order to start something and if they are not in a row, things never start and i end up feeling shame or failure.

the beautiful thing is that i recognize this as it not being truth and is just those inner gremlins that want to bring me down and not look at all i am doing and being and feeling and experiencing (which is amazing). those inner gremlins put my blinders on and only want me to look at what is not being accomplished and rarely what is.

all of this was part of what i shared a few posts ago. i am really marinating in this time with cedar and learning the ways of being the kind of mother i want to be. being inspired to delve into things i never thought i ever would (sewing is one of them). i am also wondering where the other parts of me fit in. the woman who has a book to write and a story to tell before it fades away into nothingness in my mushy brain. the woman who has a soulful ecourse to finish writing and designing so that it can get up and running and go gently out into the world of hearts that need it. these are all parts of who i am and i am not willing to let the later two go but i am needing to figure out ways to make sure they do not take away from my intentions to be a very present mother. everyone deals with these issues, i know. yesterday they just felt so enormous to me. any other day i may have eaten a pizza or a bowl of ice cream or freshly popped corn but when you're on a cleanse, you are faced with dealing, not avoiding.

so, there were a lot of tears, which ended in hugs and apologies and empathy and lifting one another up, sitting in one another's spaces. nothing has been resolved. we sort of laughed at the end and decided that being on a cleanse and discussing these huge issues is tender territory and decisions don't need to be made right now. but they are weighing heavy on my heart.

receiving your kind comments about the glow you see in my skin and my eyes yesterday helped. ; ) of course that feels very motivating! although i think part of my glow had to do with really good lighting as the previous two videos i did was in crap lighting. but i will still embrace your kindness and receive it as truth! my skin does feel softer and smoother today and i feel lighter in body and looser in my clothes and as though i am into the groove of not eating. i feel more clear on why we are doing this. doing a lot of research on cleanses and fasts and how healing they are to the body.

i don't feel hungry today. i actually feel a but nauseous. it could have to do with the fact that i had a cup of straight senna leaf tea last night, which kept me up the majority of the night with horrible stomach cramps. i typically drink smooth move tea, so i am going to go back to that one, as the straight senna leafs don't quite agree with me at all. smooth move tea has senna leaf but also other tummy soothing herbs.

i wanted to share with those that suggested using Himalayan pink salt in my morning salt water flushes rather than sea salt does indeed help with flavor. it is not as "sea salty" but i did notice it not working as well. so, this morning i took a deep breath and went back to the sea salt...which was awful but it works so much quicker!

my niece today suggested i try limes instead of lemons for a day for something exciting and new! ; ) so i am going to get some today at whole foods.

i feel drained today from last night. really quiet and mindful. softly walking in my steps. allowing myself to feel tender and to pay attention to my dreams and goals in a gentle way.

thank you for hanging in there with me.

boho master cleanse day three

I addressed some of your questions and shared my thoughts on a very hard night and an awesome tip to make it better. ; )

boho master cleanse ~ day two

In my vlog I share about how I felt yesterday, last night and today. I have many of the same physical feelings as I did the first time I did it, which I posted in April 2007 on my old blog (scroll down to bottom of page).

I also wanted to share some photos I took of Cedar a few days ago. He is such a light in our life and is our major motivator for being more healthy and is why we are doing this in the first place.

boho master cleanse ~ day one

Boho Boy and I are on the first day of the master cleanse today. We have been mentally, emotionally and soulfully preparing for this day for a while. This is our third time doing it.

The first time was with an intention to detox our bodies and open up a healthy space to conceive a child. Our second time we wanted to detox but our motivation was more to lose weight and you can understand that with this, we didn't last very long. This time, we are in a clear and more enlightened head space about it all.

We want to get back to a place of being in touch with our bodies. That space of being conscious of what we put in. For a long while now we've been feeling out of touch and craving not so very nurturing foods for our bodies and souls. In fact, all I want these days is pizza and pasta. I don't really crave vegetables or raw foods the way I used to. I feel it in my sluggishness. In my mood swings. In my not so glowy skin and under eye bags. I feel it in my heart.

We have tried other cleanses but it is this one that we felt worked the best for us. In the future we will experiment with different ones again. This is something we are comfortable with having done it before.

I am going to try to document a little bit each day on a vlog. It is you who will be holding me accountable now (gently) and this is the very reason why I am sharing it with you. I need life coaches and support over this!

The first time when we made it through the 10 days, I became really ill with mucus in my chest. It was all part of the detoxing but it really put me in bed. I can't afford that to happen this time around, so I am crossing my fingers and toes that the detoxing process this time around will be more gentle. Cedar needs me!

He also needs a healthy momma. I am so ready to rid myself of the icky toxins down deep. I know with all of this comes other emotional upheaval. I remember that from before. So I can imagine I will be sharing those parts too.

Cheers!
{clinking my glass of water, lemonade, maple syrup, and cayenne...YUM}

Daily Routine/Recipes:

Morning Salt Water Flush: 4 cups of warm distilled water with 2 tsp of Sea Salt

Six to Twelve 10 oz glasses per day of:
2 Tbs fresh squeeze organic lemon juice
2 Tbs organic grade B maple syrup
1/10 tsp cayenne pepper

All the water you want/need
All the herbal tea (decaf) you'd like

1 cup herbal laxative tea before bedtime

Goal: 10 days!