fae soul Under construction
the result...
cedar, taken with cell phone
Today I learned that Cedar really loves smoothies. Especially when they're green. Got this recipe from Auntie Schmoops (banana, mango, spinach, rice milk).
Been quiet in this space. Just trying to rest up and simplify my thoughts. So, I share with you my silence and meditation. Sometimes words feel like too much and deep breathing and quietness sooths the soul.
cedar & rocklovepeace baby teether
Its a wee bit surreal to see your son on a website. I absolutely adore this company and their lovely owners and am looking forward to collaborating more with them.
Been feeling a bit under the weather these days. Finally am making an appointment with my naturopath. The one that took us under her wing while going through fertility stuff when all others just wanted to throw up their hands. She's patient. She's intuitive. She listens so well and she is determined...always determined to get answers. One of those doctors you dream of. The kind that email you when they can't sleep because they are thinking of your case and have had an epiphany. I didn't think they existed anymore. I know they are out there but wow, if you ever find them, never let them go.
I've wanted to go to her for a few months now with different intentions as before. The last time I saw her the focus was getting pregnant. Now, the focus is being as healthy as I can as a new mother that feels exhausted most days. Something feels off. Now that Cedar is older, I feel I am able to put a bit more energy into taking care of myself. The reason I put off going to my naturopath is that our insurance does not cover her and that was always a tough one.
So, as I was wishing to see her again and missing her attention to detail, she was dreaming up a way how we can see one another too, unbeknownst to me. I got an email from her suggesting a trade. They need new photos for their website. Oh my gosh, I am in!
Finally, finally...I can get to the bottom of why I feel so tired and achy and insomnia-like. I feel blessed because the last thing I wanted to do is go to my Western doc that talks to me while looking at the laptop sitting on her lap.
I bought these groovy (and fake) leopard print rimmed glasses when living in Berkeley. Got them just for fun before I discovered I actually needed glasses. But none of the glasses I've had compared to how cool these were.
I've wondered what I could do with them. Hmmmmmm...
So when Cedar was sitting there flipping through the Little Pea, I just had to run, grab them and put them on him.
Funny how they suit him. What a peach.
Hee.
rocklovepeace baby teether from auntie shmoops
cedar, loved baby photo shoot, canon 50d
Heard this song today and it about brought me to my knees. I wept and swayed with Cedar while listening.
Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books full of fairy tales
Kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies
Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you
Clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Song "In My Arms" by Plumb
{listen to it here}
my view of cedar on my lap, taken with phone
Before I was a mother, I never put much thought into my nieces and nephews or friends babies teething. I hadn't realized how very tough it is on both the wee babe and the parents. I am not sure if it is because parents never talked about it with me or if I just didn't empathize but I was not at all expecting this.
A month ago Cedar cut his first two bottom teeth at the same time. He had a low grade fever for over four days. He whimpered all day long. He woke up all through the night and just wanted to be held, always held. It was so hard to see him suffer and I shed many tears when he would wince in pain and loosen his body on top of mine in total surrender of the pain.
Yesterday it started again. He is cutting one, perhaps two of his front top teeth.
Who would have known that teething would create a feeling of hunkering down in our home. My whole world has halted. We just want him to be as comfortable as possible and our hearts are breaking constant.
I know this is temporary and we've googled all things teething comfort and have tried it all. So, I know we are doing all we can and that what he needs most is our touch, our soothing voices and our love.
This is just one of the many and perhaps the hardest part of being a mother is feeling helpless when he is in pain. This is just the beginning. I know, I know.
But oh how cute those little nubbies are and thank goodness they will help him to try new delicious foods. A bit of a reminder that with pain comes new sensations, experiences and much growth. Look at me...searching for Zen wisdom in a few tiny teeth.
cedar & boho daddy, canon 50d...taken yester-eve
This image has me weeping with happy.
Yes...all of it. All of our long journey was worth it.
cedar & me, taken with phone
had to capture our little lover and what he does while falling into slumber each nap and bedtime.
I am on day 7 of my dear dreads. The photo above is day 4...driving to the Portland airport. It was hard to go home. Portland had begun to feel like home in a sense. I feel a missingness about it all. Our spirits just belong in a place like this.
I would post a recent photo...one that Boho Boy took of me and Swirly yesterday while she was visiting, but I am too worn to process a RAW image from my camera. I am coming down with a cold but trying to manifest that I am NOT coming down with a cold. But my throat and bones do ache. Ugh. So, I chose one that I took with my camera phone a few days ago. It looks pretty much the same, although from sleeping on them each night, the roots are starting to look a bit fuzzy. Which, I sort of find a bit sweet. I look forward to Sunday when I can wash them. That will feel mmmmmm...so good. Then the softness will come. Right now they feel a bit rope-ish...scratchy...even Cedar thinks so. Soft will be nice and suit the way we like to cuddle in our house.
I've been trying to find a way to describe our day with K & T...Cedar's birth parents, which was the day following my dreadlock appointment. Even though our adoption is an Open Adoption, K & T are both extremely private people. I sense that it makes one of both of them nervous that I have a very public blog. I want to respect their privacy as much as possible.
Although, I know there is so much curiosity surrounding an open adoption relationship. The concept is quite hard for some to wrap their heads around. I want to help ease people's minds and perhaps open minds that it is indeed a surreal and beautiful thing.
Boho Boy and I both understand the wants and needs behind both an open and closed adoption. We are never ones to be so absolute about something so tender. Open adoption does feel right with Cedar, especially now that we know him intimately as he grows into his own precious person.
With all of this said, out of respect for K & T and even that of my husband, I will share my own personal feelings leading up to and surrounding this day.
The emotions I felt as the day approached were that of what I know every adoptive parent ponders. As much as there is excitement to see and hug and snuggle and be with them, there are fears too. Of course there are. You wonder if once the birth parents hold your child, that you will be forgotten. That your child will smell those familiar smells of the goddess that held them in their womb for 9 months and hear those familiar voices and in an instant you will no longer be mom or dad to them and they will not want to leave the arms of their birth parents.
Those are the irrational, deep rooted fears that we all have. Although, I had heard from many adoptive parents that once you are all together, the fears melt away and it feels natural and good and right and shared and comforting.
Still...I wondered. Rather than entertain these very vulnerable feelings, I focused on the relationship I have with both K & T that is ours alone. The connection I felt with them as both friends and family. The laughter and humor exchanged during those weeks in and out of the hospital. The long night walk in the forest we took to try and spook one another out. So many memories. And I missed them. I missed them as friends. So, this was something I could indeed wrap my head around. The anticipation to sit with them again and share our lives.
It was this connection that held us all together that day. We have fears and insecurities. They have fears and insecurities. But we all were gentle with one another. We all missed one another. It truly evolved into being about the great, deep and wide love we have for this miraculous human being by the name of Cedar. The fears melted away...just as everyone told me it would. And somehow, somehow...it felt natural. It felt like family sitting in a restaurant, feeding Cedar and cracking jokes about books or movies while T kept picking up the toys Cedar would continually toss to the ground.
Its still hard to grasp the selflessness that both K & T feel in regards to placing Cedar for adoption. The gratefulness we feel for this gift is beyond words. I know they feel it from us when they see how very loved and adored and joyful and sincere our son is. They see that we were supposed to be Cedar's parents and as much as I am sure it is hard, I believe the happiness they feel for Cedar's happiness is greater.
Cedar of course reacted towards them in a spiritual way. The look on his face when first laying eyes on them was that of something familiar to him. He stared into their eyes, longingly at first. There was a sweet understanding, almost a reassurance that I think he wanted to give to them, that they made the right choice and he gets it. I am not sure if he will always understand in this way but as he is now so very untainted by the world, he is cool with the idea that he has birth parents and adoptive parents and that we are his mommy and daddy.
Its surreal but its unique and its our story and truly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Cedar is so deeply loved and respected and adored by the four of us and he will always, always know this and not only hear it from us...but hear it from them.
I still struggle to find the words and I think you can all feel the mix of emotions but even with all of the messy beautiful feelings...it is so, so, so worth it.
Cedar also reassured me that day. With certain lingering glances or a big wide mouth smile across the table or a leaning over for me to hold him when he needed comfort and holding my hand the entire way home. He reassured me that I am indeed his mommy. I so love being Cedar's mother. Its my favorite thing.
