listening*

I think so many of us, me included,  feel the need to fill up space with words in a conversation.  That when a loved one is navigating their way through something hard or uncomfortable, we feel a pressure to say the right thing or to fix it with advice or wisdom.  Most of the time, we all just need to be heard.  Sometimes just simply feeling validated for our emotions is all we need.  A lot of the time, hearing stories from another person going through the same thing is what heals the most.  It helps us to not feel alone.  It gives us strength to carry on...in our own way...in our own time.

I want to practice listening in a way that allows for someone to feel held exactly where they are without them feeling as though they need to move forward right away. I want to practice sitting with it, with them...and breathing into the emotions of now. I want to practice saying "I hear you, I feel you, this is hard or this is wonderful or yes, I understand where you are" more than "This is what I think would help...".

And I want to invite more of that into my life, my circle, too.

I am holding space for all of this today.

moon water*

Last night, I left this in the kitchen for my husband to see when getting ready for work this morning. A bit of the water was gone when I woke up. My belly felt warm inside knowing he had taken a drink before leaving and that Cedar too has taken a few sips.

This Full Moon...She has been healing.  I have felt very connected to Her this month.  Since the decision has been made to postpone my e-course until space opens up in my life to give of myself in that way, I have felt a lightness of being.  This is when I know the  decision was a right one.  Since, I have felt more present with Cedar (read: doing less dishes, laundry and emailing less, more sitting on the floor and listening, playing, communicating, observing).  I have noticed a shift in him as well.  We so pick up on one another's energy but I think it is more than that.  I think he feels more connected to me now that I am more available to connect with.

I heard something from a friend today that is the embodiment of what is transforming already for me:  When I surrender to motherhood fully and am present to these little ones, it seems like more doors open, more time appears, more creativity flows.  My energy level rises.  When I struggle with it, which is necessary to do and it part of our work, I am blocked and unhappy and tired.

I didn't realize how much the stress of taking on something that is so huge and important to me was filling up massive amounts of space in my days.  As the stress is lifting, space is opening. I feel it deep and wow, am amazed that I am walking around with a bit more energy and dare I say, inspiration! Cedar even went down for a second nap today. That is UNHEARD of around here.

It is a dear dream of mine to share my story, to gather women, to nourish, to connect and to feel and see the purpose of my journey.  There are more dreams.  I have SO many dreams.  I am a dreamer.  And for five years, I shared in this space another dream.  That dream was to be a mother.  That is one dream I AM living.  So with this one dream of mine to be the mother that Cedar needs, there may be other dreams that will still be in my heart but will patiently wait until I have the time and space to nurture them.  It could be in 6 months or 1 year or even 2 years but they will be given wings to fly.

Last night I brought my bowl of water up to the veranda.  I held it near my heart.  I gazed up at the bright and lusciously full Moon for a long while.  I took deep breaths.  I allowed myself to feel the pull of energy, the vibration and the light.  I looked down at my bowl of water and saw the reflection of the moon dancing in the soft waves.  It was then I noticed I was swaying.  I asked our Moon to bless this water with healing and calm and knowing as my family steps into this new journey:  Cleansing and preparing for an environment that is simpler, quieter and more trusting.

As the Full Moon shows Her brightness, I myself am feeling full inside. Grateful for being honest with myself.  Grateful that my husband was honest with me about his concerns.  Grateful that I have received an abundance of support and gentleness from family and friends.  Grateful for my dreams and how patient they are with me.  Grateful for remembering that I am living one of my most precious dreams.  Grateful it has been revealed to me that it is okay to slow down, to marinate and discover the creativity and coolness of being exactly where I am at today.

I am sipping this Moon Water all day in reflection and feeling these truths sink into my bones.

firm and fragile*

.A dear friend the other day, in a loving way, suggested that I get a thicker skin. I've been meditating on that and what a thick or thin skin means for me.

There are periods of time in my life when I feel more centered, more calm, a firm pillar for me, my family, my friends. Then there are times when I feel stripped raw and fragile and a bit anxious and in serious need of being protective of what surrounds me, what I allow in. But in all times, I am a tender soul. I am empathic. I feel most everything profoundly and deeply. I have had do a lot of soul work on being aware of what emotions are mine or of someone else near me, in the same room or walking by (or even virtually). My sweet husband would tell you that I have come so, so far in recognizing these emotions and how I am more able to establish boundaries that help me to be in touch with what is mine and not feel responsible for what isn't.

There are times when my skin is thicker, yes... but right now is not one of those times. My reserves feel low. We are going through a huge shift with our move to Washington around the corner. A lot of energy is going into preparing for it all. My husband is building his client base so that he will be able to quit his day job and support our family with his own business. This means working quite often around the clock and this also means less time for me to nourish my creative diva . Or what one of my friends calls my Creatrix.  It means less time for connecting with those that I love.  Every spare moment of Cedar's nap is spent cleaning and working and attempting to connect with others, yet not feeling present.  Two hours a day goes by so, so fast.  My poor email box is beyond full. I know I have disappointed many people that have reached out and I have been unable to give back the way I would like, or they need. I haven't even phoned my parents as much as I long to. This is crunch time. This is what my husband and I call it. It is temporary but necessary.

I think it is why I am having a difficult time putting what is going on with me in words. There are elements that are holding me back when I usually just let it flow, regardless of how it may be received by others. I find myself feeling protective of my heart. More sensitive to opinions or unsolicited (but well meaning) advice.  So, I've been coming to this space feeling stuck and I am hoping that by writing that I feel stuck, that I will somehow become unstuck.  I know that so much of where I am is a result of pouring what reserves I do have left into Cedar and this very powerful, emotional entry into boyhood for him and also my husband, who has been dealing with some health issues.  I don't have a lot left for me right now, let alone all of the people in my life that wrap me up with their unconditional, radical and uber forgiving love.

The thing is, I know what I need to do in order to feel centered and what type of self love I need and what types of food I should be eating and how much stretching and body movement I need but its the time that isn't there for me to do these things.  Its my energy that feels non-existent at the end of the day.  So, I told my dear friend the other day that I suppose I am in survival mode.  I am navigating what is in front of me.  What I can touch and feel and hold and let go of.

Our lives will be so renewed in June.  And when I say that, I don't have a lot of expectations.  The most simple changes will feel so abundant.  One being that we will live in a house with a yard on a street, with neighbors and children near us.  Right now we live on the 3rd floor in a building surrounded by college students or single seniors that are not super fond of children pounding on a wooden drum in a room full of thin walls.   Just that one shift in our living situation will be so, so massive in our hearts and for our nature-loving well beings.  Any blessings that come into our lives after that will be BONUS.

I already feel braver to share some big things moving around in my heart...just because I have written down here where I am at.  So, you'll probably see me around more.  I just needed to stretch my limbs a bit and take some deep breaths.  I needed to give myself permission to be in a space of thinner skin than usual and embrace my more fragile self gently.

So rather than run and hide, which is what would be so easy to do, I come here as I am.  Tough and Tender.  Firm and Fragile.

the perfect protest*

self portrait taken today, canon 50d

This was taken in honor of the insightful and wise and courageous Brene Brown and her "Perfect Protest".  I haven't yet read her book The Gifts of Imperfection but it is on my reading list.  Although this is such a good time for me to join the fight against perfection.  As I get ready to transition into a new journey with my upcoming e-course, my emotions are heightened as all the fears come rushing in and my energy moves towards hushing and releasing those negative voices.  I notice whenever I launch into something entirely different on my path, it becomes a very raw time for me and in order for me to keep breathing and being open, perfection needs to take a mighty hike.

Today I am sending love to my curvy, soft body that hasn't consistently exercised in a long while.  Sending love to my guilty feelings about being unable to stay consistent with any one way of eating...even if it makes me feel better.  Sending love to all of those tender bits and so much more.  Perhaps I need to not only embrace imperfection but inconsistency!  ; )

Its also a very tender time for me in regards to parenting Cedar, as he too moves through the passionate emotions he feels about the world and people surrounding him.  Today I left Java Mama and called my sister, just asking for space to cry and spill as I navigate this extremely imperfect world of teamwork with my son.  There was a time, as the youngest of three girls, I felt like I had to have it all together with my sisters.  Now, my life journey has made me really honor the parts of my life that feel completely undone and rather than feel weak as I shared with her today, I felt stronger for being bravely honest.

One of the reasons I wanted dreads on my head was to be a reminder to settle into the idea of being imperfect.  The letting go of my hair to be any specific way and allowing for the messy bits, the constant shifts and change and unpredictability.  Having dreadlocks has helped me to see how beautiful chaos can be.

My fertility journey paralleled that deep life lesson and I am grateful that my dread journey holds that space in my life too.

This perfect protest has helped me to not feel alone.

I felt enough.

sabrina's "make believe" photo card set

Yesterday I received one of Sabrina's card's from a dear friend of mine in the mail. It was the one pictured above on the bottom left. The front of the card reads...

"You are allowed to slow down.
You are allowed to turn off your phone.
You are allowed to lie down...in the sun."

Saying no has at times been a challenge for me. More in my adulthood than when I was a child and teen. I have often worried about hurting feelings or sometimes concerned that unless I did this and was involved in that and participated in this and spearheaded that, then...and only then would I be enough, have given enough, lived enough within this precious life I have been given.

Having a child has shifted this for me. Where as before, I could devote my heart and soul to a multitude of spaces in my world, now it is so important to me to be fully present and in the moment with my son and my family.

To continue on feeling healthy and strong and resilient and creative within my home, I have needed to let go of some things. I have had to say no to some people. I have needed to take good and gentle care of my reserves and give them to the few people (and not the masses) that need me most.

In this continually shifting process for me, I've wondered if I might lose some loved ones in my life. If the idea that I cannot pick up the phone as much or fly to be with them when they're in need or participate in gatherings or be able to commit to beautiful projects would not be enough to maintain these precious friendships that I have built over the years.

Then I received this card last night and on the inside it said this;

"Just a note to tell you I love witnessing all the steps you take towards your center...to that space of love and light that holds you and your family safely and peacefully. I am in awe of you my friend. I love you."

And tears rolled down my cheeks...and I took a deep breath and I felt so understood...

...and I felt, well, enough.