five years.

my boys.
my boho boys, canon 50d

Five years ago today, Boho Boy and I were woven together for life, standing near crashing waves on a cliff, in front of dear family, friends and passers by that gathered. Even two nuns decided to sit and listen to our vows while our hands were tied together in silk.

Tonight we brought Cedar to the beach not too far from where our ceremony took place. Ahead beyond the waves, we could see the cliff where we stood five years ago. It was lit up in orange and red hues as the sun went down on the water.

Five years ago today, how could we have known the journey we would travel? Five years ago today, how could we know that tonight we would stand side by side, holding one of the most amazing human beings and calling him our son, our family, as we gazed back at where we once stood?

I imagined us waving at our past selves standing on that cliff...reassuring that all will be okay. All will be mended. All will be healed...and dreams will come to fruition grander than we had dreamed up.

It was surreal tonight. And as I watched my boys run and chase the seagulls I took a deep breath and with tears forming, I laughed out loud. A deep, joyfully soaked laugh and as my hands were cupped up to my mouth, I whispered thank you.

Happy Anniversary...love of my life.

thank you from the bohos.

cedar and me
cedar & me a few eve's ago, taken with phone

i am not sure if i can express how grateful i am for your shared stories, questions, wisdom in my previous post. it helps me and so many, so many out there not feel alone. its amazing to me how when one doesn't feel alone, strength comes. strength from another helps clear up the blur so you can see the strength within.

this has all been a tender thing for me. many tears spilled the last few days. many talks with loved ones, with my husband...even with sweet cedar.

oh how much my big sappy heart loves my son. my husband. my family. my friends. and drinking from the cup of inspiration and contribution as a creative soul. oh how i wonder how to let it all in and oh how i know i will learn more how to let go, to bend, to expand, to trust and surrender when i can't.

and oh how your gentleness, your vulnerability, your honesty, your truth speaking, your guidance, your understanding brings me to a more forgiving and gentle space with it all.

and oh how i can't wait for this pms to pass. ; )

thank you from the bohos.

ps. and isn't cedar's face priceless in this photo? my baby is becoming more boy. *sigh*

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balancing my family, my dreams, my loves, my life.

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cedar & me

dreads...day ten
cedar & me, taken by boho boy

I've been a little quiet in this space this past week for a few reasons; had cold, cedar caught mini tummy flu, swamped with work during every spare moment I can spare, really.

So the house looks disheveled. The laundry is in sweet lil' piles. We are tired of take out (even if its healthy take out). ; )

July, August and September are the busiest months for my husband. Not only does he have his full time day job as a sexy librarian but he has his own business, a sweet gig of designing databases for online homeschools. The Summer months are crazed for him because he's needing to build and make all of these changes to prepare for when schools start in the Fall. This means when he comes home from work, he still has to go up to the loft and work until the wee hours of the morning. Everything with databases is surrounded with a "we need this now!" energy and it is challenging to plan our lives around him putting out fires all the time. Its tough for him because he would rather be spending time with us but it helps to remember this is temporary. Although as much as it eases up in the Fall, he will still have to work each night but perhaps not until the wee hours.

It just so happens that my cup has runneth over as well the past few months as far as work goes, which I am feeling so blessed about but also trying to figure out a way to balance it all. My priority is obviously Cedar and being as present as possible with him throughout the day. But when my only time to work right now are his naps and a few hours after he goes down for bed (because my shoots are on the weekends), then other things like cleaning and laundry and creative meal planning drift away into a vortex of nothingness. If Boho Boy only had his day job, then I know I would have my nights and weekends free but for the time being, I don't have that luxury.

The thing is...because I have passions and dreams and ideas that are bubbling within me, I know that I will always be in a space of learning to balance it all with being the most attentive and intuitive mommy for Cedar and loving and supportive wife to Boho boy.

I don't feel comfy with the feeling that I get bummed if Cedar's nap is shorter than usual because I still have work to do. But at the same time, when I toy with the idea of not working for a while, that doesn't feel right either. Not only for financial reasons but for heart reasons. I feel too inspired right now.

I also know that this time with Cedar is so precious and it goes quickly. This time where he is not yet walking and is a wee cherub babe in my arms. Plus all we had to go through to meet him and be with him...it just creates a sense of wanting to marinate in him that much more.

I have also always said that because it took so long for him to get there, that I had ample time to figure out who I was as an artist and what I needed to put out into the world. So, as soon as my career was flourishing and my book was coming to fruition, Cedar happens. Awesome timing my love!

Its so interesting. It all comes full circle, really. My longing for him brought so much clarity for me as an artist and now that he is here, I want to share it, explore it, do it...you know?

I know this is an age old dilema. How do working moms do it all. I know there are a million books out there about it...and if I had time to sit and read them, I would flip through a few.

This is the first time I have tried to voice was is going on inside of me through words. So, I am not quite sure if it is coming out as articulately as I want it to.

I suppose I want to pose a question to all of my readers that are either mothers, fathers, caretakers of children but also work from the home. How do you structure your time so that you feel your child, your partner, your home, your health, your work are all receiving the attention they need?

I know we are all different...and because of this have different needs. I know we all have different stories and there is not one answer and that is why it will be fun for me to read all the stuff you've tried and perhaps something in the midst of it all will resonate with me. Comments are way easier for me to read in doses rather than a book right now! I also feel as though I have attracted many like minded souls here in this space and find you very interesting people.

I've always been one to go with my intuition and my inner voice and not ask a lot of advice. Although, lately I feel a bit worn and overwhelmed and am in need of some fresh ideas and inspiration in regards to all of this.

So my lovely buckets of warmth, love and inspiration...do share what works for YOU and your families. How do you balance your family, your dreams, your loves, your lives?

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our adoption openness.

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dreads...day four

I am on day 7 of my dear dreads. The photo above is day 4...driving to the Portland airport. It was hard to go home. Portland had begun to feel like home in a sense. I feel a missingness about it all. Our spirits just belong in a place like this.

I would post a recent photo...one that Boho Boy took of me and Swirly yesterday while she was visiting, but I am too worn to process a RAW image from my camera. I am coming down with a cold but trying to manifest that I am NOT coming down with a cold. But my throat and bones do ache. Ugh. So, I chose one that I took with my camera phone a few days ago. It looks pretty much the same, although from sleeping on them each night, the roots are starting to look a bit fuzzy. Which, I sort of find a bit sweet. I look forward to Sunday when I can wash them. That will feel mmmmmm...so good. Then the softness will come. Right now they feel a bit rope-ish...scratchy...even Cedar thinks so. Soft will be nice and suit the way we like to cuddle in our house.

I've been trying to find a way to describe our day with K & T...Cedar's birth parents, which was the day following my dreadlock appointment. Even though our adoption is an Open Adoption, K & T are both extremely private people. I sense that it makes one of both of them nervous that I have a very public blog. I want to respect their privacy as much as possible.

Although, I know there is so much curiosity surrounding an open adoption relationship. The concept is quite hard for some to wrap their heads around. I want to help ease people's minds and perhaps open minds that it is indeed a surreal and beautiful thing.

Boho Boy and I both understand the wants and needs behind both an open and closed adoption. We are never ones to be so absolute about something so tender. Open adoption does feel right with Cedar, especially now that we know him intimately as he grows into his own precious person.

With all of this said, out of respect for K & T and even that of my husband, I will share my own personal feelings leading up to and surrounding this day.

The emotions I felt as the day approached were that of what I know every adoptive parent ponders. As much as there is excitement to see and hug and snuggle and be with them, there are fears too. Of course there are. You wonder if once the birth parents hold your child, that you will be forgotten. That your child will smell those familiar smells of the goddess that held them in their womb for 9 months and hear those familiar voices and in an instant you will no longer be mom or dad to them and they will not want to leave the arms of their birth parents.

Those are the irrational, deep rooted fears that we all have. Although, I had heard from many adoptive parents that once you are all together, the fears melt away and it feels natural and good and right and shared and comforting.

Still...I wondered. Rather than entertain these very vulnerable feelings, I focused on the relationship I have with both K & T that is ours alone. The connection I felt with them as both friends and family. The laughter and humor exchanged during those weeks in and out of the hospital. The long night walk in the forest we took to try and spook one another out. So many memories. And I missed them. I missed them as friends. So, this was something I could indeed wrap my head around. The anticipation to sit with them again and share our lives.

It was this connection that held us all together that day. We have fears and insecurities. They have fears and insecurities. But we all were gentle with one another. We all missed one another. It truly evolved into being about the great, deep and wide love we have for this miraculous human being by the name of Cedar. The fears melted away...just as everyone told me it would. And somehow, somehow...it felt natural. It felt like family sitting in a restaurant, feeding Cedar and cracking jokes about books or movies while T kept picking up the toys Cedar would continually toss to the ground.

Its still hard to grasp the selflessness that both K & T feel in regards to placing Cedar for adoption. The gratefulness we feel for this gift is beyond words. I know they feel it from us when they see how very loved and adored and joyful and sincere our son is. They see that we were supposed to be Cedar's parents and as much as I am sure it is hard, I believe the happiness they feel for Cedar's happiness is greater.

Cedar of course reacted towards them in a spiritual way. The look on his face when first laying eyes on them was that of something familiar to him. He stared into their eyes, longingly at first. There was a sweet understanding, almost a reassurance that I think he wanted to give to them, that they made the right choice and he gets it. I am not sure if he will always understand in this way but as he is now so very untainted by the world, he is cool with the idea that he has birth parents and adoptive parents and that we are his mommy and daddy.

Its surreal but its unique and its our story and truly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Cedar is so deeply loved and respected and adored by the four of us and he will always, always know this and not only hear it from us...but hear it from them.

I still struggle to find the words and I think you can all feel the mix of emotions but even with all of the messy beautiful feelings...it is so, so, so worth it.

Cedar also reassured me that day. With certain lingering glances or a big wide mouth smile across the table or a leaning over for me to hold him when he needed comfort and holding my hand the entire way home. He reassured me that I am indeed his mommy. I so love being Cedar's mother. Its my favorite thing.

boho dread journey ~ dreadie day

dread day
stephanie & me, taken by amy

the dread goddess
the dread goddess, canon 50d

The night before the transformation I took a very long shower. I saturated my hair with conditioner and continuously combed it smooth. Over and over and over. My eyes were closed and rather than a feeling of sadness that I may never be able to run a comb through my hair again, a slight smile played itself on my lips. I felt a bit rebellious. People with my type of hair don't typically ruin their hair like this! The one thing on my body that I have consistently felt was truly lovely, I knew in a few hours would be a huge forest of crocheted knots dangling from my scalp. I wasn't afraid. It felt like the next step in accepting me as me...and detaching myself from needing to have soft, flowy hair to be beautiful. That I have always focused more on the inner and this was part of helping to guide me on that path. I felt ready to say goodbye to my soft hair...but I did thoroughly enjoy that shower!

I had to blow dry my hair, which I never do anymore, because it needed to be perfectly dry for the next day. So, it was another ritual of brushing through it over and over. I took my time. Boho Boy and Cedar were asleep in our hotel room. Nothing else was interrupting this little ceremony of sorts.

Later I slipped into bed and Boho Boy snuggled up to me. He held me close and gave a big sigh...while running his fingers through my hair. He did this for a long while. I looked up at him and asked if he was going to miss being able to do this. His response was "I'd miss other things more...". Beautiful answer. I know what he means.

The next morning we were all excited. Cedar sensed something was going on, so he was a bit cautious with the whole thing. I think you can see it in his face throughout the photos. I didn't linger in front of the mirror and play with my hair before heading out. I glanced at myself quickly. I already felt the transformation and no longer felt connected to that reflection.

I meant to bring my flip camera to record my steps up to the salon and then interview Stephanie, the Dread Goddess that would be creating magic with my hair. But I forgot it, out of excited nerves I suppose. So yes, I just gave the place away, didn't I? Stephanie was my dread stylist and she works at Akemi Salon in Portland, Oregon!!!!

I discovered her via a private message sent to my Etsy shop months ago. A dear blog reader that thought I may want to know of Stephanie. I felt safe knowing Stephanie was a believer of the crochet method, which is the method that my friend Em had done in Thailand. What I love about this method is no products are used. Just a comb and a crochet hook and a patient and creative and magical hand. I also love how with this method, you get the look you want much more quickly than other methods. Most dreads take up to a year or more to look the way you dream but with this method, it can be as short as a month.

I had emailed Stephanie and told her a bit of my story and what all of this means to me. I had no idea how she would respond. If she would think I am this silly emotional girl from California and oh my goodness, this is just hair! But a week later I got the most amazing response. She had read a bit of my blog and learned more of my story and resonated with me on many levels. Our connection via email felt instant. Then the first time we spoke on the phone, we were both nervous and giddy and I loved that she fully understood what type of dreadlocks I was imagining on my head. Something loose and flowy and imperfect. She got me. She always had the same knotty locks on her head as well.

I wasn't sure what to expect when meeting her in person because the photos on her website are not her. Her friend designed that site and since she didn't have a shot of herself, used models that resembled her. When she told me this, it left a bit of mystery. I loved that.

When we first walked into her salon, we were already enamored. The space surrounding their shop was very funky and exuded a whole mind, body and soul appeal. Their salon was right next door to a cool yoga studio already in session. When we first walked through the doors I already felt I was at home. Two sweet vintage sofas and eclectic art on the wall. Yes! It was just her in this space...the other stylists/customers hadn't arrived yet. When she turned around to say hello, it was instant girl crush time. We both lit up and hugged and I was a goner. She was stunningly beautiful (see photo above) with a unique style and a warm voice and a glow about her. I felt soothed and safe immediately. She instantly felt sweet on Cedar and later told me she typically doesn't feel that way about babies (except for her own).

After Boho Boy and Boho Baby left the salon, it was just her and I and in detail we talked about how we envisioned my hair. Even though she kept asking me what I wanted, I continued to say that I trusted her artistic vision of what she feels would go with my face. I truly did trust her. All artists love to hear this, right? "I trust your vision!" I love hearing this with my photography and she loved hearing this about her precious dreadlock talent.

So, she decided to do various dread sizes throughout (mostly randomly placed small and medium dreads and two big ones in the back underneath to use as ponytail ties to wrap around the hair). She left a lot of hair on the ends so that it will eventually curl and flow after washing. She tucked in a surprise dread braid on one side of my hair (three teeny dreads braided together). In the end, we decided to leave bang wisps loose so that I could leave a bit of the romance of my hair and if I decide to dread them later, I can. So I have some soft hair in the front pieces.

One by one, she pulled up parts of my hair with clips and with each loose piece, she backcombed and then used a crochet hook to crochet strands of hairs back and forth creating knots along the way. The constant tugging felt a bit rough on my scalp but other than that, I was too distracted and excited to feel it.

We were lost in conversation most of the time and after she had done a few dreads, my dear friend Amy Seeley walked in. To see her smiling face and feel her warm embrace felt so comforting. I was missing Boho Boy and Cedar. I wanted to share this experience with someone I knew and loved and Amy was so very needed. Her and Stephanie connected as well and in between all of us talking of romantic love and dreams and desires, Amy grabbed my camera to capture some of the process. Most of the photos you see without her in it are taken by her.

So, the whole experience was just so surreal and beautiful. As I was getting my dreads, I was able to share some of my story and where I was at right now as far as acceptance and self love. Amy was sharing some beautiful personal bits of her life and Stephanie too spilled about her relationship and her stellar connection to her daughter. It was a big mushy love fest.

Then enters Boho Boy and Cedar after 3.5 hours of me at the salon. My hair was nearly done and I felt a huge sense of lightness of being. I nearly cried when I saw Cedar hanging on the chest of my husband in a Bjorn. The first time Cedar locked eyes with Amy he squealed in delight and moved his arms up and down like a birdie. We all laughed. I knew he would know who she was since we listen to her music together all of the time. He wanted to be held by her and her alone. So, the remainder of my time there, the three of them (amy, boho boy and cedar) went to grab lunch and bring it back and hang out on the vintage couches, eating, sharing, laughing and observing the finishing touches.

My heart was swelling huge. I felt like the most blessed person. I felt loved and adored and I felt grateful for this all in my life. I felt honored to be surrounded by such amazing human beings...including my son, who seems to heal hearts just by his look and his touch. Everyone falls in love with him and as a mother, it is so fun to observe. But his connection with Amy was other worldly and continued to be so over the next few days.

So, as far as maintenance, I never have to use wax or products to keep it all together. So, when the fly aways begin to unravel, a crochet hook is used to put them back in place. Stephanie sent me home with a crochet hook and showed Boho Boy how to crochet the pieces in (since I am unable to fly to Portland and see her for maintenance). There is a photo of her teaching him with a fake piece of hair on her lap in the slide show I share at the end of this post. How sexy is it that my husband is doing maintenance on my hair. YUM. He did such a wonderful job when she asked him to try it on the long piece of wig. She was so impressed with how well he picked it up. Love my man!

When all was done I was geeked about my hair. It looked so much better than I had imagined because I know at first it is supposed to be a bit awkward and it needs time to relax and flow. But if I tie it back, I am quite pleased. Stephanie said it should relax after the first time I wash it, which will be a week from the day I got them. Right now they feel a bit rough, scratchy and wiry. They stick out in weird places and don't have much of a flow but after washing they should soften a lot and in about a month, should be about how I envisioned them.

I only need to wash my hair once per week, although some only wash once a month. I am supposed to use Dr. Bronners Organic Castille soap. I think I'll stick with the Lavender one I already have. I ordered a DVD from DreadHead which goes into detail about how to wash your hair.

Following an almost teary goodbye with Stephanie, we went to Amy's adorable cottage and she played a few songs for us in her bedroom. We were all simply amazed at Cedar's attention to her playing. He obviously recognized the songs and his eyes were glued to the piano and Amy's hands and a smile wouldn't leave his face. I was moved and teary and blown away. Amy then proceeded to teach Cedar how to play while on her lap at the piano. SO cute, so fun. Being with Amy was truly magical for all of us. We instantly felt she was part of our family. I love it when my husband connects equally to my friends the way I do. We had so many delicious conversations over Thai food the next night on our hotel veranda with the moon rising above. I will never forget these precious days.

The night of my first dread day, my scalp was itching badly. It felt very similar to the feeling when your long hair is in a tight ponytail all day and you take it out and it hurts to pat your hair down and then your scalp itches from the irritation. Similar to that but times ten. So, Stephanie told us to rub a mixture of tea tree oil and water on my scalp. Boho Boy did this for me very gently and I felt relief immediately but especially the next day...the itch has been gone until last night. So, it is just something I may have to continue to do until my scalp gets used to the weight and pull of them.

So my dears, that is my story. If I haven't answered any questions, do ask me in the comments and I will respond in the comments. This post is already long enough and I may have put most of you to sleep!!

I look forward to share with you via photos the transformation from hard scratchy dreads to soft, flowy, messy ones. ; )

Here is the slide show. Turn speakers on, please. Photos without Amy in it are all taken by Amy with my camera. The remaining are taken by me or Boho Boy (via phone or Canon 50d). Photo processing by me.

Song playing during slide show is I've Got Ideas by Amy Seeley.

{stephanie has a wonderful dread maintenance section on her site here, as well as a weekly explanation of dread maturity here.}

my new dear dreads {sneak peek} ~ updated!



taken yesterday late afternoon with phone

Yesterday was one of the most magical days of my life.
I love my new dear dreads. They are so much part of me already.
Story and proper photos to come soon.
Off to visit Cedar's birth parents for the first time since he was born.
Another magical, emotional, surreal, moving day to be had.
Joyful tears spill.

{written from hotel room, overlooking lake, with the soft morning sun shining on my new locks}

xoxo

updated photos:


day two...during drive to see birth parents, taken with phone

We are all giddy about your lovins and support...so fun to read while snuggled up in our hotel room last night. Boho Boy put a tea tree oil and water solution on my roots and rubbed rubbed rubbed my scalp to take away the itchies I have from the weight of my new dreads (similar feeling to having a tight pony tail in hair all day and taking it out then feeling itchies and ouchies but more intense).

Just wanted to share a few shots I took while sitting in the back of the car with Cedar, on the way to visit birth parents. My poor family and friends are getting a gazillion picture messages from me all day via my phone. They are saturated with my new do. I wanted to share a few with you.

What I am loving most so far during this awkward transition before I get to wash and soften the dreads is that I no longer need hair ties. I can wrap my hair around itself...and it is SO low maintenance! Perfect for me.

I so look forward to sharing the details of the last few days with you. First I'll post about my dread day and then I'll post about our visit with K & T...Cedar's birth parents. Just a wonderfully awesome day.

In my dread post, I will answer your questions...where I went, my dread stylist extraordinaire, the creative spin she put on my hair, how they feel physically and emotionally and what the maintenance process will be. I also just have a lot of gushy sweet emotions to share about a visit with a dear friend that lives in town who shared this tender and life altering experience with us.

Good times.

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out of hiding and dressing up.

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polaroid by deb

I have been a little fireball of energy today. It feels so good. Not the energy that would make me want to run tons of miles (i wish i loved to run. at one time I convinced myself i loved it when i lived in Berkeley and was in awesome yoga shape but in reality, i couldn't do it without music blaring to distract me from not liking it very much). The energy I feel today is more from joy and acceptance and a feeling of freedom within my body.

I am packing for my trip right now. We leave tomorrow morning. I heard that it is extremely hot there and to wear nothing but barely nothing. Since I posted my vlog the other day, the one where I am being extremely vulnerable and brave...sitting there on my floor showing all of you one of the most insecure parts of me; my arms. I have felt empowered and a bit more daring with the part of my wardrobe that I have hidden in the back (strappy light cotton summer dresses...smushed far far behind layers and layers of clothing).

I know we all have those parts of us that we are critical about. We all try to overcome them and see ourselves as our loved ones see us. One of those parts of me is my arms. I have never had thin arms. Well, I take that back. I did for a few months in my life...and that was after my boyfriend of five years and I broke up and I moved to Berkeley and couldn't bring myself to eat out of shock and I went from a size 6/8 to a size 2. I never noticed how thin I got because I was stumbling in a transition that was unexpected and trying to find my footing and I didn't have time to look at myself. It wasn't until my best childhood friend Amy came over and gasped and made me a huge plate of scrambled eggs and forced me to eat it (with gourmet love) and after a few bites, I realized I was STARVING and remembered I love food and I haven't stopped eating since. ; ) All the way up to a size 10/12. Woo hoo I love food!

Anyways, I digress. So, I have been hiding my arms a bit. Well, A LOT. So, today, while listening to Kate Havnevick on Pandora and Cedar was soundly sleeping down below, I pulled every. single. strappy. dress. out. And you know what? I had a blast!! I had forgotten how many unique and lovely dresses I have collected over the years with hopes that I would someday be brave enough to wear them.

So here I was, trying on dress after dress and viewing my whole curvy body in the one and only full length mirror we have that we cart around our house and lay against the wall wherever we are. I actually twirled and danced and said out loud...I LOVE YOU MY FORSAKEN ARMS!

Its happening folks. I am letting go. Letting go of needing to be a certain way in order to feel good in my skin. I am going to choose to be that full figured petite woman that shows her skin and embraces the goddess bits. And if through this new way of eating and taking care of myself, I lose weight, then I will love myself just the same and know my intentions are pure. Because I want to put my energy towards it not being about weight or size but about FEELING good and sexy and wanton and...well, like me. I just need to make that choice. For me. For my son. For my husband. For those that love me and have been longing for me to be more gentle and forgiving and embracing of my new fuller self.

So, I have packed only strappy dresses and nothing else. A few light and airy cover-ups if needed...but this is so exciting! Dear world...I have fuller arms and fuller bosoms and that is brilliant.

Some of you that are new to this space might be thinking how trivial this is or perhaps how vain. That there are so many more things I could put my energy into or how could I think about my arms when there are people struggling with so much worse across our precious globe. These thoughts enter my mind as well. Daily...perhaps throughout the day. And I remind myself that this isn't an issue of beauty but an issue of me overcoming those messy and hard parts that came from my (in)fertility journey. Parts that I am working on releasing and transforming into a grand purpose in my life and the life of others that have gone through what we have. That purpose is becoming more clear and this is a piece of that puzzle for me.

We are off tomorrow and I promise to document some of my appointment. My husband and I are so giddy about my dreads! I have never been so thrilled about a new hair-do. Perhaps because it represents so much more than a new, fresh style. More on that as it unfolds...

TWO WEEK Mid-Summer Sale!

tiny buds
"tiny buds" set (both 5 x 7 and 8 x 10 sets)

Hello soulful wonders of light ~

I am having a TWO WEEK mid-summer sale in my Boho Photography shop. Every print (and postcard set) is marked down more than 25% off of the original price.

This could be a wonderful time to stock up on Christmas gifties a wee bit early or just nurture yourself or someone you love with a piece of boho art in your home.

Sale ends Monday, August 10th.

So, grab something yummy to drink, sit back in a comfy chair, or cushy couch and enjoy browsing.

Thanks so much lovelies!


marian anderson, contralto
new york, june 30, 1955
photograph by richard avedon

We went to a Richard Avedon exhibition yesterday at our local museum of arts (me, boho boy, cedar and omi). I enjoyed his work so much. Both through my eyes and the eyes of my son. It was this photograph of Marian Anderson (above) that had both Cedar and I lingering the most.

I feel a swelling within. I feel abandon. I feel song. I feel release. I feel a letting go. I feel acceptance. I feel rejoice. I feel empowerment. I feel wind and breath.

How do you feel when you gaze at this photograph?

{he has inspired me to dip more into black & whites}

boho dread journey vlog ~ part one

I know I am being so sentimental...but I thought it would be fun to document the journey with more than just photos.

Almost one more week until my appointment!

I had a third segment to the video above. One of me with my new highlights...but I accidentally deleted it. Lisa just added copper, blonde and red highlights so that when my dreads are crocheted, all the colors will come through.

After my appointment, Lisa began to get really excited about experimenting once I have them...but when I first recorded her, she was nervous about it (and it shows). She's a dollie...I love her.

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feeling blessed...again.

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tara & em

Heather with Found and Made (one of my delicious sponsors) made Em and Tara friendship necklaces to wear while they are apart (our dear Em moved back to her home in Australia...I wrote about her blessing on the beach here).

One of the photographs I took of them during their BFF photo session last year is on the back of the necklace and I LOVE how it turned out. I am just adoring how they can carry one another around close to their hearts. Em wrote about the necklaces on her blog here.

Oh how I need these little blessings as of late. Our dearest Cedar is cutting his first two bottom teeth, so it has been three full days and nights of a low grade fever and him in pain. Our sweet chill baby has been whimpering and limp and just wanting to be rocked and held. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. I love him so, so much and when he hurts, I hurt.

Boho Boy and I are so new parents, I know. There is such a tenderness that has surrounded all of this. We held him all night, back and forth...holding a cool wash cloth to his forehead. We talked to his Pediatrician and we are doing all the right things. Now its just having to wait.

So Kelly Rae's article and Em and Tara's necklaces have truly been a gift during a tender time. Giving us that little boost of strength we need right now.

Feeling so blessed to be reminded about how important our friendships are in our life. I do not take for granted that we are circled by some of the most amazing souls that walk this earth.

published in somerset life!


photo by kelly rae

Months ago, Kelly Rae let me know that she was writing an article on friendship for Somerset Life magazine. She had asked if she could use images from the session I photographed of her and her BFF, Mati Rose last Fall at Squam.

I was tickled that the timing of her writing this article shortly after that photo shoot was so absolutely harmonious. Initially, I had scheduled separate photo shoots of both her and Mati but last minute we thought it would be fun to also get a "few" photos of the two of them together. It ended up unfolding into this beautifully bonding experience for all of us and such a release for the two of them together at the end of a long week.

Behind the lens I fell in love with their connection, which both seemed so grown up and then so giddy and childlike. We had joked that it felt like I was doing an engagement session because of how close and intimate it ended up being. I felt honored to capture the endearing and charming layers of it all. I had no idea the impact this session would have on the three of us.

The article has been recently published and is on bookshelves as I write this. When I first read it, I became lost in her words, resonating so much with how much my friends have helped nurture and guide me throughout my life. I love how she expresses how different friendships offered different gifts at different times in her life and the acceptance surrounding all of that. It was surreal to see my photos accompany her powerful sharings. I feel honored. Humbled. Awestruck.

When I found out it was on the shelves, my boys and I took a trip to Barnes & Noble and there it was; The sweet salmon colored beauty with Kelly Rae's article on the cover with "Friendship" in big juicy white words. Chills I tell you. Chills and tears. As I sent a picture message via my phone to my family, I felt so totally choked up and blissed out. Especially when they wrote back that they were proud. I don't think those words will ever fail to move me deep when coming from my family. No matter how old I am or how many dreams have come to fruition. It feels so good to make them proud. My inner child take sit all in.

More than all of that, I feel so proud of Kelly Rae. To have witnessed her follow her dreams, take flight and soar has been so inspiring for my own journey. Do pick up a copy if you can. Her writing is absolutely yummy.

Kelly Rae wrote about it here...and Mati here.

brave and healing cedar.

cedar
cedar, almost 8 months, canon 50d

Last week Cedar and I took our very first trip alone together on an airplane to visit my family. It was a little over an hour flight, which sounds quite short but I still held anticipation in my heart leading up to this day. I had no idea how Cedar would feel during the trip...If the sounds would frighten him or if his ears would ache or if the timing would coincide with his nap and he would miss his routine and be weepy. I held all of the concerns I suppose any parent has. Will we sit near tolerant and patient souls? Will I be able to manage all of this alone? Will I melt down if he melts down? So many questions.

The night before I put us to bed earlier than usual to prepare for an early morning. I laid in bed and took many deep breaths. I closed my eyes and imagined the worst possible scenarios and with them, I imagined I handled them with grace and ease. I wanted to be in a space where I let go of any expectations I had on him or myself and just trust that we were in this together and will get through it and be in the arms of my dear family in the end.

Boho Boy stayed with us until he had to part at the demand of the security guard when going through security. He kissed us both and with a lump in my throat I handed my boarding pass to the security guard. She observed the three of us struggling to part and warmly smiled and cooed at Cedar. Then this other strong female security guard said "Ma'am it looks like you need a hand!" and she grabbed my stroller and folded it down for me and helped me take all of the baby liquid stuff out of my bag, all while I held onto Cedar in a carrier wrapped around me. Then once I went through, they helped me yet again on the other side. I was prepared to do all of this alone and was so in awe that others wanted to help.

Cedar remained calm as I walked him round and round the gates before we lined up for our flight. People stopped to coo at him. I began to feel a calmness. Then as we stood in line, an older man stood in front of us and kept looking back at Cedar. He had a scowl on his face. He carried so much stress in the lines between his eyes and around his mouth. At first I thought he was disappointed a baby would be on this flight. I suddenly felt nervous. Then this woman standing a bit further to the right of us joyfully waved at Cedar and winked at me as if to say "I get it...its all going to be okay." Through her, I found some strength.

I took a deep breath and whispered..."smile at the gentleman, Cedar..." and that made the man's face soften and light up. I didn't mean for him to hear me. He then turned around and proceeded to tell me about his two grown children and how one had five children and the other struggled with (in)fertility...but they had adopted a boy and a girl from Guatemala. He then took out two tiny photos of the adopted children. He shared all this without knowing my story, so of course I felt empathetic to him. He felt that from us and his eyes got teary. I then told him Cedar too was adopted and he took a deep breath and said..."I would have never guessed. He seems so much yours." I know it was an awkward thing to say but I knew what he meant. It was an emotional exchange. He found out he was in the wrong line and said goodbye with a pat on Cedar's head and we never saw him again. Cedar and I walked onto the flight and I felt like the man was a little angel sent to put my heart at ease but also to feel healed himself. I could tell that at one time, he struggled with the idea that his children would adopt and I saw in his weepy eyes that he has come full circle and has embraced them and understands fully how families come together in unique ways.

Cedar and I snuggled into our row. I wondered who would be brave enough to sit with us. I looked up and saw the woman that joyfully waved at Cedar earlier in line. She said; "May I sit with you two?". What I loved about her question was that the tone was full of hope. Again I took a deep breath of relief. "Yes, yes...please do!"

We spent the remainder of the flight giddily getting to know one another and Cedar was so calm and curious and lovely the entire time. We both found her so charming and witty and adventurous. She had been a single mom since her children were little and now they are grown, one living in India and the other a white water rafting instructor at Tahoe. She shared how important it was to her that they grew up with a sense of adventure and knowing how big the world is out there. When they were young, their family would take trips to places just because there was a deal on a flight. It didn't matter where...they just went. She was in her early 60's now and was applying to National Forests all around our country so that she could experience living and working in the woods. I couldn't get enough of her wild stories. She was so inspiring.

While we were sharing about one another's lives, she would take Cedar from me at the very moment I needed her to without me asking. She was so in tune with me, having traveled for years with little ones herself (and now as a grandmother). I felt nurtured and cared for and listened to. Cedar fell in love with her. He stroked her face and kissed her cheeks (wide mouth baby kisses) and laughed at her adorable and joy-soaked voice. Cedar also smiled at all who sat around us and I saw a calm wash over them when they looked in his eyes.

While we were landing, the woman had shared with me that someone in her family adopted and how special that little boy is. It was then that I shared Cedar was adopted too. She took a deep breath in and with her hand over her heart, big juicy tears welled up in her eyes. She said; "He is so very special and you two were so meant for one another. That is very clear to me." I then broke down in tears and laughter and no more words needed to be said between us. We wiped our tears and she patted her hand on my knee and we both nodded and I held Cedar tight as we landed. Before walking off of the plane, we exchanged emails and hugged.

I couldn't help but notice how healing Cedar was. To the old man in line. To the woman sitting next to us. To the flight attendants. To the teenagers sitting behind us. To the man in a suit and his laptop in front of us. I saw walls come down at just one gaze in his soulful eyes. This is something I will never get used to and always cherish when it comes to his gentle spirit.

What a brave and healing person he is. I feel so honored to have been chosen as his mother.

Will share about the sweet time with my family soon.

blessing for em*

em falconbridge
the gorgeous em, canon 50d


all the girlies; tara, morgs, maren, em, me, amy, lisa photo by tara


tara lighting candles, canon 50d


the blessing space, canon 50d


em, canon 50d


em & her precious swelling belly & dreamy dreads, canon 50d


em, 7 months pregnant, canon 50d

Em's BFF Tara organized the most romantic gathering of fem souls to bless Em on her journey to her third earth child, as well as her journey back home to Australia. I have known (and photographed) both Em and Tara but I had yet to meet a few of Em's soulful tribe of women she has grown to know and love during her time here in California.

The evening began for me with the drive North to the beach. It was a 1.5 hour drive and was so very precious and healing for me. It was my time to reconnect to the gypsy part of me that used to love long trips alone; windows rolled down, music blaring, heart soaring, hair blowing. The stereo in my car was stolen a bit ago but I didn't let that stop me. I placed a cute little boomie box on the passenger seat and popped in an Emiliana Torrini CD. Her voice is absolutely perfect for a coastal drive nearing sunset...Especially her song Sunny Road, which I played over and over.

There had been a last minute switcharoo as far as the location due to crowds and both Tara and Em phoned with apologies because I had to turn around and drive back another half hour or so. To both of them I giggled and said..."Are you kidding? You have no idea how much I need this time in my car alone. This is a GIFT. Weeeee!" I could have kept driving for a few more hours.

Once thing I noticed that has shifted during my delightful zone while driving is that for years I used to spend that time dreaming of things I wanted to come to fruition in my life. Sometimes they were practical dreams and sometimes they were wild...like playing a guitar and singing to thousands. But this time, I wasn't thinking of things I wanted to happen. I was thinking about things that already were. To Emilianna's voice, I was envisioning my son and his darling ways, our sweet little family and how we are together, how much I adore my work, my tribe of dynamic, loving, juicy, creative girlfriends, my parents and sisters. It was a time of feeling really present, really grateful and so empowered.

I am wondering if part of that was because I was on my way to bless a woman in my life that embodies those qualities...being present, grateful, empowered (and so much more).

What a beautiful evening it was. Tara and I arrived early and set up and one by one, these lovely women danced onto the scene and I just found myself truly enamoured. It doesn't surprise me that Em attracts such radiant beings into her life. Since I didn't know most of them, it was quite refreshing to just sit back and absorb their connections. To listen to their stories and put the pieces together of how they all met.

I think we all felt connected immediately because of the common thread of loving Em...who is so easy to love. As the sun went down and the tea lights in the jars surrounding us began to flicker, each of us placed a dreadlock bead in Em's hair while sharing how we felt about her. There were giggles and sighs and nodding heads to all the mushy stuff said but it was Tara's words that I will never forget.

I am in awe of their sisterhood and I saw such a selfless letting go for Tara and her best friend moving so far away. As they shared with one another their deep love appreciation for their friendship, we all had tears running down our cheeks. For a moment, we too felt the warm energy that the two of them wrap around one another. Magical. Just magical and a moment I feel extremely honored to have witnessed.

Em...you are a gem to so many. Like I said as I gently placed the bead on my dreadlock of choice, there are so many reasons you could be intimidating to others; your beauty, your style, your outrageous talent, your fame, your heart, your character. But you are so very humble and giving and you truly open your arms so generously.

You are so much the change we want to see in this world.

Blessings on your journey, dear friend. I look forward to the day we rub our dreads together. ; )

Tara posted more love and images here.

{cedar and i are off to northern cali for a week to be with my family. take gentle care all of you.}