cedar & rocklovepeace baby teether

Its a wee bit surreal to see your son on a website. I absolutely adore this company and their lovely owners and am looking forward to collaborating more with them.

Been feeling a bit under the weather these days. Finally am making an appointment with my naturopath. The one that took us under her wing while going through fertility stuff when all others just wanted to throw up their hands. She's patient. She's intuitive. She listens so well and she is determined...always determined to get answers. One of those doctors you dream of. The kind that email you when they can't sleep because they are thinking of your case and have had an epiphany. I didn't think they existed anymore. I know they are out there but wow, if you ever find them, never let them go.

I've wanted to go to her for a few months now with different intentions as before. The last time I saw her the focus was getting pregnant. Now, the focus is being as healthy as I can as a new mother that feels exhausted most days. Something feels off. Now that Cedar is older, I feel I am able to put a bit more energy into taking care of myself. The reason I put off going to my naturopath is that our insurance does not cover her and that was always a tough one.

So, as I was wishing to see her again and missing her attention to detail, she was dreaming up a way how we can see one another too, unbeknownst to me. I got an email from her suggesting a trade. They need new photos for their website. Oh my gosh, I am in!

Finally, finally...I can get to the bottom of why I feel so tired and achy and insomnia-like. I feel blessed because the last thing I wanted to do is go to my Western doc that talks to me while looking at the laptop sitting on her lap.

wrap up africa.

Final Piece from Amanda Bontecou on Vimeo.
The lovely blond woman speaking in this video is my dear friend Letha. We grew up together. There was a time we were cuddled up close at her mother's house eating whatever was in the fridge and singing Kermit the Frog songs. So, when I see this it brings huge welling tears to my eyes.

I have always known she'd take her old soul wisdom, her artful ideas, her zest for creating change and do something huge. Something larger than life. Something most of us would be afraid to do. She is fearless.

I always knew she had this amazing quality about her...a quality that does not feel comfy with the norm. A heart that is not settled about a cause unless her hands are deeply rooted in it

I am so proud of her. So proud I could shout to the rooftops. So touched by what she has created in Uganda. So moved by the positive change she has inspired.

How cool is it that I can receive an email from her the other day asking my advice on what to wear to an event where she will speak in front of thousands of people in Ireland? She somehow, through it all...stays so grounded. Stays rooted in her relationships. Stays my friend...even when the life I lead feels so vastly different than hers in Uganda.

I love you, Leth...thank you for always helping me to feel that raising my child and living my dream of photography and writing is just as important as you raising up a village to help save children and their families in Uganda.

It feels so good to have known you when we wore training bras. ; )

lay and listen and be.

{lisa field-elliot, canon 50d}

I thank you from down deep for all of your well wishes, thoughts, affirmations, prayers, intentions for my family and all they are going through. My family thanks you too. They read my blog. They read the comments and have gotten to know many of you through your shared stories. I adore and am grateful for the healing that can transpire in the blog universe from one heart planet to another.

I was thinking a lot about my family yesterday and how I am really learning to not take the special relationships we have for granted. I think for years it was just what I always knew and perhaps expected. Then something tragic happened and I realized these precious people that I assumed may always be there in body throughout my life, may not be and goodness...I better tell them every single morsel of why I love them so. Better than tell them...but show them, which is truly the language of love.

So, I am trying to be better at showing them. I know I fumble and make mistakes but the important thing is they know my heart, my intention and that is that I love them and need them in my life.

On another note...look how gorgeous and at peace Lisa is in the photo above. Something I like to do with my clients is lay them down on mother earth. When I do this depends on when I feel my client needs to take a deep breath or hush some negative gremlins or just rest their bones and listen to the heart beat of the earth. Sometimes it is in the beginning. Some the middle or at the end but it most always gives me results like this. A moment when they feel absolute calm within and all around them.

A gentle reminder that if we feel all tied up in knots inside...find a spot on the ground outside to lay and listen. This is when we stop trying and start being.

thoughts & prayers.

{cedar, rocklovepeace baby photo shoot, canon 50d}

dear healing readers ~
its been a bit of a rough-ish week for our family and i am reaching out to you for your thoughts and prayers.

my father had back surgery to remove a cyst as well as have a rod implanted in his spine and screws at his tailbone. he has suffered back and leg pain for years and we are hoping this is his ticket to a pain free life. he is in recovery and very uncomfortable (ouchie rod and staples) and my sweet mother is doing her best to care for him now that he is back home. but...she injured her shoulder (scapula to be exact) doing work on their yard and too is in a lot of pain (arm/chest area) and trying to tough her way through it to care for my father. i had to practically beg her to go to the doctors because she was in a selfless frame of mind.

my older sister darlene is having one of the toughest summer's in 10 years in regards to her lupus. she spends many days on the couch, in deep muscle and joint pain and doing her most awesome best to not go to the dark places in her mind. she is constantly sending me positive text messages about cedar and the photos i send and it blows my mind that she can even think about others when she feels the way she does. i am always learning from her resilience and tolerance. when talking with her on the phone today it really hit me hard how long she has been sick this year. this is when i feel our physical distance the most. when i can't pop over to help my family when they are in need.

then there is sweet cedar. he is having tummy issues and teething stuff all at once. yesterday it was all about projectile puke down my body. we're just learning which foods he can and cannot digest and it seems the only foods that are gentle on his sensitive tummy are pureed sweet potatoes, pears and prunes. when we try new things, even just a little, his belly is a huge ball of air for a few days. poor sweet dude.

and then there is me. i am experiencing some weird deep piercing pains on one of my ovaries, which i know are from my endometriomas (blood filled cysts). today i could barely sit up straight. i am calling my gyno tomorrow but i know what she'll say "take out all your endo! go on birth control! take hormones!". yet it was the hormones i took for fertility stuff that put me here. my body just does not respond to hormones well. my last surgery didn't do much and i am now going to have to get serious about the natural way of healing my reproductive lovelies. i have three natural healing books on endo that i have yet to fully read. time to stop procrastinating because the bad months are getting closer together and now that i am caring for a wee being, i can't lay on the couch and chill.

aren't you glad you popped over here this morning?

i suppose i am sharing all this to ask for some positive affirmations and prayers...especially for my dear daddy, marmie and sis. as we are all a bit tired and worn and are learning that it is okay to ask for help sometimes.

tonight i made spice cake muffins. i never bake. growing up with Celiac gave me an aversion to baked goods because they tasted awful without gluten. nowadays its so much more creative and tasty for us folks. so, i baked. i suppose i had a hankering to cheer up our home in light of this heavy week. the smell of cinnamon and nutmeg floating in the air has to be one of the best heart medicines. i think i might bake more often. now i get what all the fuss is about. it was glorious to watch my husband's blissed out face while eating it hot out of the oven with butter dripping. also fun to sit on the floor while stirring up the ingredients and cedar sitting near me with his eyes glued to the bowl and his mouth open in awe. i imagined all the years ahead with us baking together in the kitchen. i smile as i write this recognizing that having a baby has brought to surface a more domestic me. must. find. cute. aprons.

and ohmygosh look at cedar's face in the photo above. is he not the poster boy for "please pray for me and my family?" ; )

*****************************
Winner of gorgeous Bella Wish necklace is...

# 130...Kathleen* that said...

what a lovely collaboration!

the idea of women inspiring other women makes my heart full. and the end result: putting that power, peace and encouragement into the universe.lucky are all the women who are touched by your blog and your tribe. xo

*send me an email, sweet kathleen...at denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com

Sponsor GIVEaway!

bella wish necklace, photos by stacy de la rosa

I am so crazy excited to host this extraordinary giveaway to those that come to this space. Two of my Sponsors (and bff's) Stacy de la Rosa of Bella Wish and Christine Mason Miller have collaborated on an outrageously COOL project with their art.

Here are some sweet thoughts they wanted to share with you about their coming together...

***************

"I am so honored to be the first artist Stacy chose to collaborate with on her latest designs, and I hope the fun we had working on them shines through!"
~Christine Mason Miller

"I am honored to be unveiling my collection of chunky, colorful, affirmation necklaces here on Boho's lovely blog and beyond happy to be giving one away to one lucky reader. I have been wanting to showcase Christine's art in this way since our gallery show together last September and to see them finally come to fruition is thrilling for both of us. If anyone is interested in purchasing a necklace, I will be premiering some at Squam Art Workshops vendor night on September 19th and more will be listed in my etsy store beginning September 30th.

The necklace featured for this giveaway is a double sided glass pendant featuring the artwork of Christine Mason Miller. The pendant is 1.5" thick and soldered with lead-free solder and buffed with a dark patina finish. One side says "Dream Bigger". The other side says, "Your Wings Exist". Beads include vintage glass beads alongside smoky quartz gemstones. The chain is 20" with a 2" extender finished with a vintage bead."
~Stacy Anne de la Rosa

***************

Here are the beauties...

stacy & christine, photo by marianne, processing by me

Rules:
* To enter, leave a comment
* One comment per person
* Entries accepted Sunday night, Aug. 30th - Wednesday, Sept. 2nd at 10pm PST
* This will be a random drawing
* Winner of this gorgeous necklace will be announced Thursday morning
* Winner must email snail-mail addie to denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com

i just had to do it...

I bought these groovy (and fake) leopard print rimmed glasses when living in Berkeley. Got them just for fun before I discovered I actually needed glasses. But none of the glasses I've had compared to how cool these were.

I've wondered what I could do with them. Hmmmmmm...

So when Cedar was sitting there flipping through the Little Pea, I just had to run, grab them and put them on him.

Funny how they suit him. What a peach.

Hee.

my dreads are my teacher.

my dreads, day 27, taken with phone up in my loft

Many of you dreadies-to-be have been writing and inquiring about how mine are doing and how I am fairing in the process. I thought I'd share it here since my free time is so limited these days. I no longer have that luxury of returning emails promptly. Oh how I wish I could sit for hours and reach out and connect with all of you. So, I am publicly apologizing for my flakiness. Know my heart is so there but my fingertips cannot be. ; )

The last few weeks I've been going through moments of panic as I see each individual dreadlock changing and forming into a personality all on their own. I remember when I first went to Stephanie I told her I wanted loose and flowy and free (which she was so happy about because that is her favorite and what she had for years). At first she did them really tight and perfect because she knew I couldn't just hop over to her for maintenance like most people do in a few weeks. She's all the way in Portland and I'm in Southern Cali and a plane ride and hotel room just aren't feasible right now for us. She told me I may not like them at first because they were so tightly wound. What's funny is that I got so used to them being this way that anytime a stray hair came out I felt afraid they would fall apart. I had dreams that they fell out completely after a night of inspecting each dread and noticing how many fly away straight hairs I had. I have heard the dreams are completely normal, btw...which makes me laugh.

What I love about the crochet method is that you don't have to put sticky product in your hair. I loved the idea of elle naturelle and just crocheting loose hairs back in with a crochet hook, training your hair to lock up by itself. The hard side of that is that my husband is still learning how to do it and feeling fumbly, so I am unable to do the maintenance as often as I'd like. Although I must say, it is super sexy to be sitting between his legs and feel his fingers in and out of my hair. Plus, how delicious is it to have your man doing something creative on you? Next stop: painting my body. ; )

Oops, I digress...(must be ovulating).

I suppose my concern is that once I get too many loose hairs and ultra fuzz, it will look so untamed that it appears messy and unkempt. What is ironic about this is that I wanted unkempt, untamed and loose, didn't I?

I remember looking at countless images of dreadlocks before starting this process and was always attracted to the half in-half out dreads. I never thought of them as messy in a bed head sense but just loose and flowy. Now that my hair is getting to that point, I am finding myself in a space of learning acceptance and letting go and embracing the change.

I talked to Stephanie last week on the phone and she so wisely said to me..."this is what this process is all about for you, not only about your dreads but this new journey you are on as a mother."

She is so right. How parallel is this for me? Longing for motherhood for so, so long I romanticized it a bit (borrowed the word romanticized from a friend that recently wrote me about this). I knew I deeply wanted it and it belonged to my heart to be a mother but all I thought about were the flowy perfect moments. The moments I witnessed between mothers and babies at a park or in a film. I had this vision in my head of what it would be.

Now that I am here and reveling in each moment with my precious, precious son, I am also feeling fumbly about the awkward parts. The fact that I am constantly exhausted and walking around with bags and dark circles and not feeling glowy (proof: see eyes in photo above) or with energy and time to do all else I'd love to do.

Like with my dreads, there is a push and pull of "Oh I love these! They suit me perfectly! These are so fun! Just what I wanted!" and "Oh this is scary! What if they fall out? What if they end up looking too messy? Am I sleeping on them wrong? You can see my grey hair in the fuzz!"

I love the parallels of conflict and I believe this is what drew me into doing my dreads at this time in my life. Motherhood and my dreadlocks are obviously my teacher right now, helping to guide me through the act of letting go, being gentle, having patience, not reacting, embracing change, reveling in messy, accepting that this dream is now an unkempt reality and no longer a perfect illusion.

I was with a friend this past weekend and something she said has lingered within my heart. She was talking about how a specific challenge in her life is her "teacher" and when I grasped that concept, I had a different perspective of the challenges I've been facing.

So with this one challenge of watching my dreadlocks turn into whatever they are supposed to be, I am looking at them now as my teacher for so many other areas in my life.

in my arms.

rocklovepeace baby teether from auntie shmoops

cedar, loved baby photo shoot, canon 50d

Heard this song today and it about brought me to my knees. I wept and swayed with Cedar while listening.

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile

And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books full of fairy tales
Kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Song "In My Arms" by Plumb

{listen to it here}

the Zen of tiny teeth.

my view of cedar on my lap, taken with phone

Before I was a mother, I never put much thought into my nieces and nephews or friends babies teething. I hadn't realized how very tough it is on both the wee babe and the parents. I am not sure if it is because parents never talked about it with me or if I just didn't empathize but I was not at all expecting this.

A month ago Cedar cut his first two bottom teeth at the same time. He had a low grade fever for over four days. He whimpered all day long. He woke up all through the night and just wanted to be held, always held. It was so hard to see him suffer and I shed many tears when he would wince in pain and loosen his body on top of mine in total surrender of the pain.

Yesterday it started again. He is cutting one, perhaps two of his front top teeth.

Who would have known that teething would create a feeling of hunkering down in our home. My whole world has halted. We just want him to be as comfortable as possible and our hearts are breaking constant.

I know this is temporary and we've googled all things teething comfort and have tried it all. So, I know we are doing all we can and that what he needs most is our touch, our soothing voices and our love.

This is just one of the many and perhaps the hardest part of being a mother is feeling helpless when he is in pain. This is just the beginning. I know, I know.

But oh how cute those little nubbies are and thank goodness they will help him to try new delicious foods. A bit of a reminder that with pain comes new sensations, experiences and much growth. Look at me...searching for Zen wisdom in a few tiny teeth.

a lazy summer picnic.

marianne & cedar

stacy anne, bella & cedar

cupcakes! clockwise from left: melissa, marianne, bella, swirly, stacy, cedar

miss swirly

Oh how I have longed for a lazy summer picnic. I spent the weekend at Miss Swirly's and caught up and cuddled with some girlies that I have missed so, so much.

I woke up in a haze on Sunday morning after a long night of Cedar not surrendering to sleep in a foreign bed. The girls climbed onto my bed and offered to take care of him so I could get some sleep. I lay my head down on my pillow with tears, feeling so grateful for these selfless women in my life. They hadn't even had their coffee/tea yet and they knew what I needed. That extra hour of sleep made all the difference. I went downstairs to find them loving on him, surrounded by his toys in a blanket on the grass. All totally chilled out and comfy with one another. Ahhhhh...

Then Stacy brings cupcakes to our picnic. Even gluten free ones. I usually cannot partake in post meal baked yummies. It has been this way all of my life as a gluten free girl since I was in diapers. Its just something I got used to. But Stacy goes out of her way to find the best gluten free cupcakes in LA, so I could feel part of the ritual of sweetness. And oh did I partake. Mmmmm...

I truly felt wrapped in the arms of such generous, thoughtful, heart soaked women. I drove home last night as the sun went down and my baby napping in his carseat with a full, refreshed spirit (and a new craving for cupcakes).

a swirly story.

cedar & swirly, canon 50d

Cedar is 9 months old today. Rather than write about him and the new and adorable animated facial expressions he is making, I thought I'd show you.

My friend Christine (Swirly Girl) spent the day with us a few weeks ago. It was a treasured day I will not forget. She was the first friend to see me post Portland trip with new dreads and stories about Cedar meeting his birth parents. We curled up on the couch and spilled while Cedar was napping. I hadn't realized how much I needed to spill and her too...in true girly fashion.

But then Cedar woke up and she offered to watch him while I go upstairs to do a bit of work. Time allowed for this has been tight lately and she was sensitive enough to notice. So, I reluctantly went upstairs because it is hard for me to accept help at times. I was trying to focus on my work while feeling grateful and humbled and I heard her reading him a story with a variety of voices. It cracked me up. I know Swirly is a major goofball but I had yet to hear her do this. I grabbed my camera and ran downstairs and captured the whole scene. What I love most about how the photos turned out is that Cedar's personality shines through...much better than words could ever express.

It was a darling and bonding exchange between them...this you will see::

Swirly Story
*put speakers on

She always does her best to take care of those she is connected to. Now Cedar feels it too. *sigh*

cedar necklace.

accidental self portrait, canon 50d

I've been wanting to write about my Cedar necklace since returning from Portland. My dear friend Stacy made it for me and mailed it so that I could wear it during my dread day. I have hardly taken it off since (I took it off the first time washing my hair for fear it would get tangled but that's about it). So many of you wrote to me asking where I got the necklace I wore during the dread slide show. This is the story.

The last time Stacy came to spend the night she had one on with her daughters name. I let out a deep sigh when I saw it and it nearly brought me to my knees. Stacy too endured a long, very very long and hard journey to her daughter and it was surreal and so confirming to see that name adorning her neck (Isabella...mmmmm). I noticed she would rub it while she talked. Not sure if she did this consciously but I observed the intimacy she felt with this gem and all of the myriad of emotions that came with it.

Then she went home and did her magic thing that she does and makes one for me without me knowing and sends it off like an angel of healing.

bella wish pendant hanging on framed photo taken by my dear friend tara

So, now my son's strong and beautiful name adorns my neck. And I too rub it and Cedar strokes it while looking up at me and its our shared talisman.

The first photo above was taken by accident. I had just photographed the necklace hanging on one of my favorite framed photos of our family and I set the camera on my husbands djembe drum and I heard a click. I like how it turned out. How it focused on some of my dreads and that the necklace is beaming bright in the background. I could literally see the source of heavenly energy this necklace brings to my body and soul.

If you'd like to have a Hand Stamped Heart Pendant made for yourself (or as a gift) with a name of someone you love or just a word affirmation, Stacy would be delighted to spread her magic to you. Contact her at bellawish (at) me (dot) com.

what a gift she is...

grace's hand, canon 50d

I just can't stop thinking about Stephanie.

I discovered her blog from my friend Tara shortly after Stephanie and her husband Christian were in a near fatal plane accident last August. Both of them were burned badly but Stephanie endured the most...over 80% of her body.

I have since followed her story...read back through her archives to get to know her a bit more. I don't have time to read all of the blogs I love right now. But hers is the one I carve out time for. My 10 minutes per day of soaking up someone I deeply admire because she deserves my attention. She is a survivor in every sense of the word and always puts my heart into a healthier, gentler perspective.

I have been enamored with her journey; the way she parents, the way she loves her husband and he loves her, how romance is within every morsel of their relationship to one another and their loved ones, how charming of a life they lived and still live. Enamored with her extended family. Amazed at how her sisters swept up the children post accident and helped parent them while Stephanie and Christian healed in the burn center for 9 months. In awe of how people all over the globe came together to donate and support their need for the best care. So much more. So much more. I just feel my words couldn't express the wide-ness of this family's love and how they all circled together during this time. Her sister Jane's blog is pretty damn amazing as well. She's a great writer, that one. For months she was the communicator of all things Stephanie and Christian during those crucial months at the burn center and now, she's back to sharing her own stuff...with a twist of wit.

You must read Nie's story for yourselves. Her archives are on her right sidebar.

And yesterday she posted a photo of herself for the first time since the accident. She's just shiningly beautiful, isn't she? I am crushing on her and her spirit and am constantly inspired by her bravery, her patience, endurance, selflessness and her unwavering faith (okay and her cute, cute style!).

true friends...

lisa field-elliot, canon 50d ~ today's photo session

...are a safe place to land.

five years.

my boho boys, canon 50d

Five years ago today, Boho Boy and I were woven together for life, standing near crashing waves on a cliff, in front of dear family, friends and passers by that gathered. Even two nuns decided to sit and listen to our vows while our hands were tied together in silk.

Tonight we brought Cedar to the beach not too far from where our ceremony took place. Ahead beyond the waves, we could see the cliff where we stood five years ago. It was lit up in orange and red hues as the sun went down on the water.

Five years ago today, how could we have known the journey we would travel? Five years ago today, how could we know that tonight we would stand side by side, holding one of the most amazing human beings and calling him our son, our family, as we gazed back at where we once stood?

I imagined us waving at our past selves standing on that cliff...reassuring that all will be okay. All will be mended. All will be healed...and dreams will come to fruition grander than we had dreamed up.

It was surreal tonight. And as I watched my boys run and chase the seagulls I took a deep breath and with tears forming, I laughed out loud. A deep, joyfully soaked laugh and as my hands were cupped up to my mouth, I whispered thank you.

Happy Anniversary...love of my life.

thank you from the bohos.

cedar & me a few eve's ago, taken with phone

i am not sure if i can express how grateful i am for your shared stories, questions, wisdom in my previous post. it helps me and so many, so many out there not feel alone. its amazing to me how when one doesn't feel alone, strength comes. strength from another helps clear up the blur so you can see the strength within.

this has all been a tender thing for me. many tears spilled the last few days. many talks with loved ones, with my husband...even with sweet cedar.

oh how much my big sappy heart loves my son. my husband. my family. my friends. and drinking from the cup of inspiration and contribution as a creative soul. oh how i wonder how to let it all in and oh how i know i will learn more how to let go, to bend, to expand, to trust and surrender when i can't.

and oh how your gentleness, your vulnerability, your honesty, your truth speaking, your guidance, your understanding brings me to a more forgiving and gentle space with it all.

and oh how i can't wait for this pms to pass. ; )

thank you from the bohos.

ps. and isn't cedar's face priceless in this photo? my baby is becoming more boy. *sigh*

balancing my family, my dreams, my loves, my life.

cedar & me, taken by boho boy

I've been a little quiet in this space this past week for a few reasons; had cold, cedar caught mini tummy flu, swamped with work during every spare moment I can spare, really.

So the house looks disheveled. The laundry is in sweet lil' piles. We are tired of take out (even if its healthy take out). ; )

July, August and September are the busiest months for my husband. Not only does he have his full time day job as a sexy librarian but he has his own business, a sweet gig of designing databases for online homeschools. The Summer months are crazed for him because he's needing to build and make all of these changes to prepare for when schools start in the Fall. This means when he comes home from work, he still has to go up to the loft and work until the wee hours of the morning. Everything with databases is surrounded with a "we need this now!" energy and it is challenging to plan our lives around him putting out fires all the time. Its tough for him because he would rather be spending time with us but it helps to remember this is temporary. Although as much as it eases up in the Fall, he will still have to work each night but perhaps not until the wee hours.

It just so happens that my cup has runneth over as well the past few months as far as work goes, which I am feeling so blessed about but also trying to figure out a way to balance it all. My priority is obviously Cedar and being as present as possible with him throughout the day. But when my only time to work right now are his naps and a few hours after he goes down for bed (because my shoots are on the weekends), then other things like cleaning and laundry and creative meal planning drift away into a vortex of nothingness. If Boho Boy only had his day job, then I know I would have my nights and weekends free but for the time being, I don't have that luxury.

The thing is...because I have passions and dreams and ideas that are bubbling within me, I know that I will always be in a space of learning to balance it all with being the most attentive and intuitive mommy for Cedar and loving and supportive wife to Boho boy.

I don't feel comfy with the feeling that I get bummed if Cedar's nap is shorter than usual because I still have work to do. But at the same time, when I toy with the idea of not working for a while, that doesn't feel right either. Not only for financial reasons but for heart reasons. I feel too inspired right now.

I also know that this time with Cedar is so precious and it goes quickly. This time where he is not yet walking and is a wee cherub babe in my arms. Plus all we had to go through to meet him and be with him...it just creates a sense of wanting to marinate in him that much more.

I have also always said that because it took so long for him to get there, that I had ample time to figure out who I was as an artist and what I needed to put out into the world. So, as soon as my career was flourishing and my book was coming to fruition, Cedar happens. Awesome timing my love!

Its so interesting. It all comes full circle, really. My longing for him brought so much clarity for me as an artist and now that he is here, I want to share it, explore it, do it...you know?

I know this is an age old dilema. How do working moms do it all. I know there are a million books out there about it...and if I had time to sit and read them, I would flip through a few.

This is the first time I have tried to voice was is going on inside of me through words. So, I am not quite sure if it is coming out as articulately as I want it to.

I suppose I want to pose a question to all of my readers that are either mothers, fathers, caretakers of children but also work from the home. How do you structure your time so that you feel your child, your partner, your home, your health, your work are all receiving the attention they need?

I know we are all different...and because of this have different needs. I know we all have different stories and there is not one answer and that is why it will be fun for me to read all the stuff you've tried and perhaps something in the midst of it all will resonate with me. Comments are way easier for me to read in doses rather than a book right now! I also feel as though I have attracted many like minded souls here in this space and find you very interesting people.

I've always been one to go with my intuition and my inner voice and not ask a lot of advice. Although, lately I feel a bit worn and overwhelmed and am in need of some fresh ideas and inspiration in regards to all of this.

So my lovely buckets of warmth, love and inspiration...do share what works for YOU and your families. How do you balance your family, your dreams, your loves, your lives?

happy.

cedar & boho daddy, canon 50d...taken yester-eve

This image has me weeping with happy.
Yes...all of it. All of our long journey was worth it.

how he falls asleep...

cedar & me, taken with phone

had to capture our little lover and what he does while falling into slumber each nap and bedtime.

our adoption openness.

I am on day 7 of my dear dreads. The photo above is day 4...driving to the Portland airport. It was hard to go home. Portland had begun to feel like home in a sense. I feel a missingness about it all. Our spirits just belong in a place like this.

I would post a recent photo...one that Boho Boy took of me and Swirly yesterday while she was visiting, but I am too worn to process a RAW image from my camera. I am coming down with a cold but trying to manifest that I am NOT coming down with a cold. But my throat and bones do ache. Ugh. So, I chose one that I took with my camera phone a few days ago. It looks pretty much the same, although from sleeping on them each night, the roots are starting to look a bit fuzzy. Which, I sort of find a bit sweet. I look forward to Sunday when I can wash them. That will feel mmmmmm...so good. Then the softness will come. Right now they feel a bit rope-ish...scratchy...even Cedar thinks so. Soft will be nice and suit the way we like to cuddle in our house.

I've been trying to find a way to describe our day with K & T...Cedar's birth parents, which was the day following my dreadlock appointment. Even though our adoption is an Open Adoption, K & T are both extremely private people. I sense that it makes one of both of them nervous that I have a very public blog. I want to respect their privacy as much as possible.

Although, I know there is so much curiosity surrounding an open adoption relationship. The concept is quite hard for some to wrap their heads around. I want to help ease people's minds and perhaps open minds that it is indeed a surreal and beautiful thing.

Boho Boy and I both understand the wants and needs behind both an open and closed adoption. We are never ones to be so absolute about something so tender. Open adoption does feel right with Cedar, especially now that we know him intimately as he grows into his own precious person.

With all of this said, out of respect for K & T and even that of my husband, I will share my own personal feelings leading up to and surrounding this day.

The emotions I felt as the day approached were that of what I know every adoptive parent ponders. As much as there is excitement to see and hug and snuggle and be with them, there are fears too. Of course there are. You wonder if once the birth parents hold your child, that you will be forgotten. That your child will smell those familiar smells of the goddess that held them in their womb for 9 months and hear those familiar voices and in an instant you will no longer be mom or dad to them and they will not want to leave the arms of their birth parents.

Those are the irrational, deep rooted fears that we all have. Although, I had heard from many adoptive parents that once you are all together, the fears melt away and it feels natural and good and right and shared and comforting.

Still...I wondered. Rather than entertain these very vulnerable feelings, I focused on the relationship I have with both K & T that is ours alone. The connection I felt with them as both friends and family. The laughter and humor exchanged during those weeks in and out of the hospital. The long night walk in the forest we took to try and spook one another out. So many memories. And I missed them. I missed them as friends. So, this was something I could indeed wrap my head around. The anticipation to sit with them again and share our lives.

It was this connection that held us all together that day. We have fears and insecurities. They have fears and insecurities. But we all were gentle with one another. We all missed one another. It truly evolved into being about the great, deep and wide love we have for this miraculous human being by the name of Cedar. The fears melted away...just as everyone told me it would. And somehow, somehow...it felt natural. It felt like family sitting in a restaurant, feeding Cedar and cracking jokes about books or movies while T kept picking up the toys Cedar would continually toss to the ground.

Its still hard to grasp the selflessness that both K & T feel in regards to placing Cedar for adoption. The gratefulness we feel for this gift is beyond words. I know they feel it from us when they see how very loved and adored and joyful and sincere our son is. They see that we were supposed to be Cedar's parents and as much as I am sure it is hard, I believe the happiness they feel for Cedar's happiness is greater.

Cedar of course reacted towards them in a spiritual way. The look on his face when first laying eyes on them was that of something familiar to him. He stared into their eyes, longingly at first. There was a sweet understanding, almost a reassurance that I think he wanted to give to them, that they made the right choice and he gets it. I am not sure if he will always understand in this way but as he is now so very untainted by the world, he is cool with the idea that he has birth parents and adoptive parents and that we are his mommy and daddy.

Its surreal but its unique and its our story and truly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Cedar is so deeply loved and respected and adored by the four of us and he will always, always know this and not only hear it from us...but hear it from them.

I still struggle to find the words and I think you can all feel the mix of emotions but even with all of the messy beautiful feelings...it is so, so, so worth it.

Cedar also reassured me that day. With certain lingering glances or a big wide mouth smile across the table or a leaning over for me to hold him when he needed comfort and holding my hand the entire way home. He reassured me that I am indeed his mommy. I so love being Cedar's mother. Its my favorite thing.