where we fell in love.

me & boho boy in our younger years. i look so smitten.

We are off for the weekend, to the place where Boho Boy and I met and fell in love. We'll be pointing out to Cedar all the places where his mom and dad made out. ; ) And where daddy rescued mommy's purse that was lost in the sand one late night. Once we got back to my place and realized I had left it on the beach, he insisted we go back and he was my hero, digging in the sand, by moonlight, past midnight. So sexy.

Our first date was awesome. Toes in the sand and spilling our hearts. Spontaneously wine tasting and purchasing a bottle of chocolate wine. Eating sushi and everyone staring at us. We think they thought he was Robert Downey Jr.

Ohhh...the memories will all flood back.

Will be back on Monday...xoxox

cutting molars & a fat lip.

cedar today in a mood

I planned on doing this romantic vlog for you all today by the window...with the light shining in and some inspirational stories about this new Kind Diet (via Alicia Silverstone's book) I am on and how wonderful I feel on it.

Then cutting more molars happened in our house. Cedar has been off and not sleeping well and the nights have been long and catching up to me. And today, in the beginning of a tantrum, I picked him up and he threw his head back into my lips so very hard. SO very hard. I finally know what it feels like to be punched hard in the mouth. I felt my teeth dig into my bottom lip and the torn flesh from it moving to the tip of my tongue and the gushing of blood down my chin. I sat there stunned. Cedar turned around to look at me, stunned. His tantrum stopped and my crying started. I tried breathing deep to stop the tears, to remain calm and unaffected in his presence but I sat there staring at him with my hand over my mouth, blood dripping through my fingers and tears, huge tears quickly spilling down my cheeks. I was a bit in shock. He rocked back and forth shaking his head and I rubbed the back of his head with my free hand. He didn't know how to express his sorrow. I understood that. I was in this strange in between place of wanting to be angry at someone for doing this to me, yet knowing there is no one to be angry at, all the while falling more in love with my son for being so empathic. What a strange myriad of emotions to feel in one moment. I had to distract him with his guitar, take a step away from him and call my husband. My heart was racing and I just needed to talk it out, to cry it out.

I know my emotions so easily came to surface because of my exhaustion and because of my approaching moon cycle and because this is the first time I've been physically injured by someone I love, even if by accident. It still feels shocking. I don't remember the last time I cried from physical pain.

Many dear hearts told me this was to come. That parents will get bumps and bruises from tantrums or what have you. I suppose I never expected a bruised, fat lip.

He woke up from his nap today and we held one another longer than usual. I sat on the chair rocking him and he was limp, feeling totally safe in my arms. I rubbed his jaw and planned my trip to Whole Foods tonight to gather herbs to make chamomile popsicles for him tomorrow. I might have one too.

Motherhood is a trip.

Edited to add: By request, here is the recipe for the Calming Cooling Herb Pops, sent to me by the wonderful Latisha (she gets her herbs at Mountain Rose Herbs):

Calming Cooling Herb Pops
2 tablespoons chamomile
2 tablespoons catnip
2 tablespoons spearmint
1 teaspoon valerian
1 teaspoon stevia

Steep in a quart size jar for several hours or overnight if possible. In a large pitcher, mix in 1/2 jar of juice and 1/2 jar of water
Pour into freezer trays
Wait about 45 minutes (depending on freezer setting) then insert popsicle sticks
Freeze overnight

Simply chamomile will do if you don't have access to the other herbs. }

cedar expressing his groove.

cedar, 18 months

Had to share what we captured today. He does this all the time but I think I finally got some quality groove with his singing style. It almost sounds like Blue Grass twang. ; )

This is recorded from my phone, so its a bit pixel-y...and the shaking is from me laughing.

Enjoy.

{excuse the mess. ah well.}

java mama.

cedar in the play area of java mama, taken with my palm pre phone
{view from the half moon shaped bar}

First I want to thank every single one of you that came to this space to share your own stories and experiences with the park...as new moms, not so new moms, moms of one, moms of many or those of you that aren't yet moms but have some fears or concerns. It was a beautiful and gentle dialog and I most definitely don't feel alone in this. So many different ideas, so much wisdom, such vulnerability, philosophies, analogies...WOW. I am touched and moved beyond words.

I felt really brave yesterday walking into Java Mama. It is a darling cafe in town that just opened up, specifically for care givers to bring their little ones (ages 6 and under) so they can work on their laptop or gather with friends while supervising their children in a play area. They designed a bar in a half moon shape facing the play area, so you can sit up on the stools, sip coffee or tea and observe. Boho Boy has been wanting to stop by for ages and yesterday, on the way to the beach, we did. Oh I am so glad we did!

I'm not sure if it was the groovy tunes or the laid back atmosphere or the urban funky setting (perhaps all of the above), but the children were just all so mellow, kind and gentle with one another. Plus there were parents sitting side by side, drinking their yummy drinks and winking and smiling at one another. My heart felt like it was bursting. I really needed this soul balm.

There was this one two year old boy with curly locks of hair that kept following Cedar around and handing Cedar his toys and sitting patiently with him. I felt like he was such a wise spirit, knowing Cedar was 6 months his junior and is just now learning how to interact with others. I kept looking around for his mother, who was watching him intently but everyone seemed to be watching them. I then saw this one woman, breastfeeding a newborn. She had such a kind face and laid back demeanor, I wondered if it was her. Somehow I just had a feeling. When she came closer to me, I leaned over and asked "Is the boy with curly blond hair yours?" She said "Yes!" but with a worried look on her face. I told her "He is just being so gentle and sweet with my 18 month old." She looked like she was about to cry and thanked me. I could tell she really needed to hear that. We then watched our children together for a while and she shared with me her own stories about parks and her first born and her emotions surrounding the dynamics.

An hour later, Boho Boy and I were gathering our things and walking out. He encouraged me to go get her phone number. I felt so totally nervous and shy but as I took four steps outside, I wondered if I would ever see her again...even though she had shared with me the parks she felt comfy at and I may go, I wondered. I suppose I couldn't miss this chance to allow my son to connect with another sweet spirit and for me too.

So, I went back in and clumsily approached her and shared that I'd love to meet her here again. She blushed and said "me too!" and we wrote numbers on postcards that were left at the shop by some artists. While she was writing her number down, I was chatting with her newborn boy in her arms. He started smiling huge and cooing and chatting back and forth with me. She seemed stunned and said to her friend "Oh my gosh, she's making him smile and talk!" My eyes got teary. I said "Maybe he's just pooping" and she assured me he wasn't and that he never does this with people. It was pretty dreamy and I think it created a safeness between us.

I know this was a gift. A gift for bravely putting it out to the Universe hard emotions surrounding the park. Emotions that could have easily been judged or not received in gentleness. But you all circled and it opened up a space for each of you to share in such a raw way and to learn from one another. I honor it all. Every person and child are different and need different things but with that, we were all able to be with one another's hearts. Even if we felt differently.

Perhaps Java Mama is my in between. A small, quiet, safe and groovy place to take my child, to get him acclimated to other children...with music freely playing, encouraging him to dance and twirl. They even have a little outside play area. Perhaps for a few months I can take him here and then if he makes a few friends, I can venture into the big world of Parks where older kids roam.

I learned so much about myself through this experience. I paid attention to the mirror that was in front of me where some old wounds from my childhood surfaced. I was able to close my eyes and sit with that little girl that was shy and perhaps a bit bullied on the playground or in school by louder more outgoing children. I gave her love and wrapped her up in courage and whispered in her ear all the wonderful things she would do with her life along side family and friends.

I also learned what I am and am not comfortable with and allowed to embrace that with gentleness rather than shame. I learned to let go of expectations and to breathe into the unfolding in front of us.

In a nutshell, I've lightened up a bit and next week, I will go to Java Mama rather than the park and see where that takes me. I had not an ounce of anxiety in that place. Quite the contrary...I was filled up and energized and inspired.

I am listening to my body, my soul and my mind and it tells me where to go.

park anxiety.

Okay, I wanted to talk about this in my previous post but I hesitated and ended up talking about Cedar being tall (hello, boring!). What I really wanted to spill is that I am having some serious Park anxiety but this is a tender subject and I am needing gentleness about it.

All of you helped me so much by sharing your very vulnerable and courageous stories about behavior and parenting during awkward moments involving other children and/or parents. So, I did feel validated, prepared and lifted up should that happen again...at the park or anywhere. My anxiety is not at all coming from that issue.

I can be a naturally shy person, so striking up a conversation with strangers takes a lot of energy but since the Park is sometimes my only social venue during the day, I am trying. What I notice is that mamas just don't respond or open up to my sharings and after the fourth try, I feel my heart sink. Many times I get odd looks or stares and I am wondering if it is my dreadlocks. ; ) Well, the park that we now go to is smack dab in the middle of upper middle class suburbia, so perhaps my violet red locks do stand out. But I think I am SO approachable!

Oh, this is all so new to me and I suppose I am fumbling with it. I am really wanting to marinate in my time with Cedar there and be present with the idea that it is okay if he is my only kindred spirit. Although, I did come home feeling deflated and discouraged and soooo craving a move to Bellingham. Like now.

I laid my head to sleep last night and sent those mothers love and compassion and wondered if they too were just shy and novices at this whole park dynamic. I have often heard of people joke about Park politics throughout my life but I ignored it. What ARE park politics? Enlighten me.

The fact that Cedar stopped what he was doing AGAIN yesterday and danced his heart out when the ice cream truck pulled up with music, created such a space of soul balm for me.

I don't at all have expectations to make friends at the park. I am circled by an amazing group of women in my life.

Tell me your stories. Was it awkward for you at first bringing your first toddler to the park? Does everyone feel this way or am I just a weird bean?

tall.

cedar, 18 months

Cedar is very tall for his age. All the kids at the park approach him, assuming he can climb and jump and carry on conversations and when they find out he can't do it at their more grown up level, they look at me dumbfounded and run off.

Today he found another one just like him. A girl, his age, his height, being followed by her incredibly tall father. She chased after Cedar. They grunted together. They studied one another. The father and I giggled and shared about how its a challenge at the park, with a tall baby.

He boogied again today when the ice cream truck drove up to the park. I am trying to get it on video for you.

Two blog readers sent me an email today that they had a dream about Cedar last night. One of them told me he was a musician. Four other people have written me in the past with visions of Cedar as a musician when he is older. What was different about today's email is that she said he was tall, wearing skinny pants, a white tee and a green waistcoat, carrying a guitar. Nice. Love that.

I'm 5'2. This is going to be fun having my son tower over me when he is 12. ; )

{vlog coming soon to talk about the new Kind Diet i am on}.

in his closet.

{this one came in blurry but is the only one i have of him in this oufit, which i adore}

this was when we first got the Thai fisherman pant. he is so much taller now!

Many of you have asked me where I get Cedar's clothes and have shared that they look super comfy and earthy. So, I wanted to share some linkies.

Cedar is just like Boho Boy in that he has really sensitive skin. It gets easily irritated by fabric that isn't soft and cuddly. I have to be cautious of that with him. I also try to get as much organic as I can as a way of living greener, although sometimes because of our budget, I have to settle for comfy and inexpensive. I am fortunate that I can do that at a baby resale shop down the street. Our part of re-using but I do pick up random bits from Target here and there.

My family has been so awesome and aware of his sensitivities and they tend to spoil him with the soft, organic and stylish goodies.

When Cedar was an infant, his favorite seemed to be LovedBaby. He was the model for their postcards and future catalog, so we were fortunate to be able to play with a bunch of different styles. EVERYTHING is crazy soft and beautiful but they stop at 12 months and he was out of 12 month clothing at 10 months. ; )

Right now...here are some of our favorite duds:

His amber teething necklace with super healing powers comes from Inspired by Finn.

Fisherman pants from Thailand at After Shower Shop (we have almost every color).

Yoga pants & Long sleeve shirts from from Makrista Baby (again...have almost every color).

Yoga pants and a long sleeve tee from Positively Organic (he was wearing this outfit in the photo posted with him holding a pine cone, below...).

Cedar has two long sleeve shirts from BabyBe (one is in the photo above where he is drawing).

We have a linen medieval hoodie and terracotta pants from Adatine that are so very gorgeous.

Kicky pants has the softest bamboo clothing EVER.

BabySoy has the cutest kimonos and knotted hats that he wore all the time as an infant. He now wears their tees and sleevless shirts (their sleeveless one is pictured in the image of him on my lap, as well as the last photo above).

The only shoes he will allow us to put on his big chubby feet are Bobux Shoes (got ours at Whole Foods Market).

We loved Everyday Beautiful's gnome hat.

The organic line from Baby Gap (they have temporarily discontinued but are apparently bringing it back soon) is wonderful. We also love their toddler tees that are prewashed and extremely soft. Cedar has no irritations with them. He wears their white long sleeve onesies under all of his tees.

TwoOwls has wonderful pants. I found this line at our Whole Foods.

Speesees also carries fabulous colors and styles. Cedar got a pair of pants and a few onesies as a gift when he was an infant and we wore it out.

I've never bought anything from Natural Baby...but I've wanted to and dream about it often. Everything looks so baby bum soft.

I try my best to follow his lead as far as style with his personality.

*************************

So, now that I am done with that, I am looking forward to sharing with you about a new journey I am on. It has to do with a fresh new way of eating and thinking and being and how my energy is slowly making a come back. I'm also feeling more clear headed and can form a sentence out of my mouth without pausing and trying to gather my thoughts. Good stuff!

If any of you would like to share your soft, cuddly organic baby/toddler clothes loves, do so in the comments!

the park.

It took me about a week to take Cedar back to the park after this day I captured above. You see...there were boys teasing him. He was being a bit bullied. There I stood even more confused than him. What is my role? Do I allow these events to unfold before my eyes, hoping for a teachable moment? Allowing Cedar to find his own center without me trying to find it for him by scooping him up and removing him? This is what I wanted to do. Remove him. Run away. Protect.

My heart broke into thousand jagged pieces to see him be so misunderstood. Cedar can be a bit quirky. If he hears a plane far up in the sky flying over the park he will stop, point and scream out. He is obsessed with planes and helicopters. If there is a hint of music from a car driving by he will stop what he is doing and start grooving, in his own little world, bobbing his head with his eyes closed, feeling the rhythm deeply with every orifice of his body. He doesn't care who is watching. When he sees someone he is attracted to, he will squeal, run and hold onto their back if they're sitting down. The older, tougher boys saw these things and decided to mock him, to run up to him and scream in his face. Their mothers giggling a bit along with them as I looked over to them for support. I felt like I was outside of myself, looking down at what felt like a scene from my elementary years. I know I was a bit quirky too.

It hurt me more than it did Cedar. He ran to the sand with his truck and smiled at the little girl beside him. I sat there holding back my tears. I know my emotions were coming from a deeper well. Perhaps some fears. Some unknowns about how to mother and parent in situations like this when he is older and either being the one that is teased or the one that is teasing. Knowing that there is that space between how we desire our children to be in this world and how they will naturally unfold and the process of letting go and accepting and not projecting.

This is all such new territory for me. Feeling so protective of my sensitive soulful flower boy and yet knowing he needs to explore and discover and evolve without me hovering. Also getting that there are times he too will channel his myriad of emotions into acting out at others. So this gives me compassion for those boys. Although I didn't feel that compassion right away. It took a week for me to get there. A few emails sent between family and girlfriends, being supported and guided and reminded that those boys need to be sent love and that their behavior comes from a deeper root.

I felt guilty that it took me a week to get there. Perhaps as time goes by, as these situations happen more often than not, it will come sooner. The ability to breathe into the hurt and the need to protect and soften the knee jerk reaction of judging or assumptions. To remember that some of my child's experiences may be a mirror to my own hurts and that it can be a teachable moment for both of us.

Perhaps most of all, Cedar's reaction is my greatest teacher that day. The fact that he walked away and found a spot with a like-minded soul and continued to play and create despite those voices whispering to him that he was different and different wasn't cool to those boys. He was so grounded in who he was and he found another soul that got him.

This is just the beginning. I know, I know...and I am grateful for the gentle souls in my life circling me through it all. Circling us. Celebrating this journey.

stillness.

We've done a lot of this over the last few days. Just stillness. Pausing. Taking deep breaths. Paying attention. Reveling in nature. This is why I've been quiet in this space.

Looking forward to spending time here in a few days, sharing some thoughts with you. Until then, have a love-filled weekend. Do tell me your plans! We plan to do more of this (see above photo).

xoxo

{a lot of people have been inquiring about Cedar's amber necklace. it is to help with teething pain and stress. amber has healing powers like that. i got it at Inspired by Finn. click on Youth Amber}.

Sponsor GIVEaway!

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Nicole Carlin

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**********************************

Ohhh...this is so FUN and so apropos to the spirit of my posts lately. I would like to take one of the classes myself.

If this isn't your thing, it could be a WONDERFUL gift for someone in your life that is special to you and you know needs this nourishment.

Check out their website to watch a video introduction to the courses and take advantage of the Early Bird registration discount!

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The Winner is #79...Jen G. who said "Love the web site for the course.. wow great idea! love about my body.... hmmm I do love my feet LOL after a pedicure :) weird I know but it's a place to start .. I will work it on up from there :0)" Jen, congrats! Please email Nicole at popfizzburlesque@gmail.com to claim your space in whichever class you choose!

violet red.

cedar & me today

me & a birdie today at the wild animal park

My friend Lisa colored my hair yesterday. Violet Red. I love the way that sounds..."violet red". Mmmmm. I needed a change. A bit of spice oh so nice. And my has it worked. Today I wore tighter clothes and flirted with my husband. I thought I had forgotten how to flirt. It all came back.

Note to self: take better care of me and wear clothes that show the curves.

I am on the road to nurturing myself, loving me for me and flirting with the idea that I am enough. As is. Will you join?

Roar.

{I hear a collective roar from all of you lovely ladies out there. do something yummy for YOU this weekend}

p.s. i found out that i am a bird whisperer today. this sweet birdie didn't want to leave me and i fell in love. ; )

puppy name help?

cedar and his marmie doggie...snuggle up to amber kitty

My parents are getting a companion for their Golden Doodle, Callie Lu in a few weeks. Although this one is going to be a miniature Golden Doodle. It will be a girl and we are all thrilled. Especially Cedar, because he loves dogs of all types (especially his marmie doggie & puppy stuffed animals).

I am writing this to dip into your creative minds. We are trying to think of a name for this new little member of the family. She's already born and will be flying home to my parents in a few weeks.

They're thinking something hippie-earthy or something French (my mother is French). Can you help with a name for a female puppy-dup?

cedar's groovy world.

I recorded these over the last few days. Pieces of the way Cedar loves to express himself creatively.

The last two videos were recorded with my phone...so the quality is poor but you get the idea. You can hear him singing during or in between strumming and that makes my heart burst wide open. Can you feel his soul in this? I do every. time.

Another thing he is doing is playing with the singing bowl we have. He tries to sing in tune with the chimes.

These little bits of expression we get to experience every day in our home. I wanted to share it with you. So, you get to see how Boho Baby is becoming his own person. So fun.

his world.

cedar & me this morning

I have a long list of things that I would like to get done today but instead, I am marinating in the world my son lives in.

His world is pretty rad.

the grass on the other side.

cedar & me yesterday, taken with phone

I've received so many delicious emails from fellow curvy women sharing that my previous post about the Lane Bryant commercial and curves felt empowering and really hit home with them.

"It feels so good to read that I am not alone, I have poured over the comments again and again!"

"Thank you for that. Today I am feeling a little bit more comfy in my skin!"

Oh how I teared up at many of your stories. I felt in a way, we truly did all meet up at the mountain and celebrated who we are as women. A safe space was created through that post and I am honored so many of you spilled such sacred, private, raw feelings about your bodies through both comments and emails.

I also received an email from a woman (a fellow adoptive mommy) on the other side of curves. With her permission, I am sharing it here anonymously because I have a feeling it will move and shift your perspective and heart as it did mine.

"I read your post and wanted to share something...maybe I just wanted to free this thought from my mind, but anyway...since my son was born, I have felt so self conscious that I DON"T have any curves....there is no cushy place for him to lay his head...everything is bony and I have no comfy breasts for him to snuggle against. It has caused me to feel less "motherly" and feminine. I literally felt bad for him ~ that he wasn't comfortable against me. Today has been one of those emotional days...he is such a busy little person ~ not much time for mama these days. How I long for snuggles and softness...sometimes I wonder if maybe he would be more snuggly if he would have had a softer place to snuggle up against. Just thinking "out loud" and hoping you know that life isn't always "greener on the other side" ~ continue to welcome those curves ~ I'm sure Cedar loves them!! :) Much love ~"

I wanted to share this because sometimes we feel so consumed with our side of the grass when it comes to our body images. We can't imagine that a woman shaped different than us could desire to be where we are, for various reasons.

I am also sharing this with hopes that you, my wise, gentle and loving readers...can offer up some comfort to this woman. Some affirmations, some hope and encouragement, perhaps how she resonated with you. My heart is with her. I am so honored that she chose this moment to be so brave with raw emotions that took so much courage to put out there.

reflection.

cedar, canon 50d

He teaches me to love myself purely.

Tell me one thing you love about yourself, when gazing at your reflection.

thank you, lane bryant.

self portrait

This morning Cedar and I were watching last night's American Idol. Its something we so enjoy doing together. He literally lays with me or cuddles near me and is enamored with the musicians. Sometimes he'll get up and boogie for me, make me laugh and invite me to join. Times like this, I feel like he's such an old soul and not at all behaving his age. His attention span, to lay and watch entire performances and glance at me with a smile or with a "that one felt off" look on his face blows me away. Last week at my parent's house, while watching American Idol, they too were amazed. My sister Dar said "he's just laying there like a teenager"...on his back, knees propped up with his head on a pillow resting on my lap. Laying there watching the entire show. I was glad to share it with them, so that they would believe me when I tell them these things. Cedar and music are one. But this isn't really what I want to talk about...

A Lane Bryant commercial came on while watching the show this morning and I had a very emotional reaction. This stunning, curvy woman on the screen was walking around graceful in her body, running to meet her girlfriends across the street, walking downtown confident and sexy and beautiful, glowing and healthy. I felt really connected to this woman. My heart beat faster and I felt it swell. I felt very celebratory. A part of a tribe. A club of women that embrace this way of being when the media, for years, has only seemed to embrace a particular size and look. And yes, this smaller size and look too is stunning and graceful and glowing and beautiful but the issue is, its not every woman and its definitely not me. And because this leaner way of being is mostly what we see in the media, it feels saturating. To see a young twenty something curvier, not perfectly cut and lean woman walking around in snug sexy clothes and lingerie felt empowering. I could actually see me in her. I could resonate with her so much more and I wanted to meet her for tea and gush about how hot she looked and go lingerie shopping with her. I imagined dancing around the dressing rooms in our undies and not feeling large around one another but rather, celebrating our bodies. I think she would have that effect on me. I felt inspired. I want to be that woman for my friends, both thin and curvy. That woman that is so comfy in her skin that it doesn't matter what size she or anyone else is. That its all about celebrating being a woman and loving yourself and inspiring others to do so. I was this woman once. Now I find that the ebbs and flows of my journey through (in)fertility has presented a daily practice for me of embracing my body. A daily practice that is harder some days (or weeks) than others.

I don't watch a lot of television and if I do, I fast forward through the commercials. I also don't watch a lot of news because so much of it is about opinions when I'd really just love to read about what's going on and form my own opinion. So, I missed the controversy with Fox banning a Lane Bryant commercial of a plus size (HOT) woman walking around in her lingerie, glancing down at her phone calendar to see "meet Dan for lunch" and throwing a coat on over her lingerie clad bod and walking out the door.

I discovered this commercial because after seeing the fully clothed Lane Bryant commercial this morning, I wanted to send it to a friend, and typed it into Youtube and rather, saw this other one...and the stream of comments/opinions about why Fox should or shouldn't have banned this commercial. The word out is that it was banned for one of two reasons (or both?): Sexual suggestion and/or the size of the model and it being inappropriate for earlier television. Neither of those reasons really sat right in my heart. Yes, her putting a coat on over her lingerie and walking out the door suggests that she is meeting "Dan" for sex. But doesn't a Victoria Secret model, laying on the ground or bed with a come hither look suggest the same? And what about Dancing with the Stars (on Fox) and their barely there costumes, grinding up against one another? You better believe it suggests sex to me and all who are watching! ; ) I suppose I am sharing my thoughts about this other commercial because I feel a wee bummed it was banned but again, that's also not really what this is about for me.

I felt moved by all of this today. I've been in a bit of a hard place about my body this week. I think the full moon pulled me into some emotions that are not always at the surface but lie underneath, down in the depths where deep wounds live: Things that people have said or not said about my body. How I sometimes feel broken as a woman that couldn't get pregnant. That my body hasn't done what I suppose it was naturally meant to do. All of that stuff that I have shared many times here before. And as I said to a friend the other day, I know those thoughts are lies. They are not my truth. They are the gremlins, the wounds, the dark side whispering in my ear when I am feeling vulnerable.

What is my truth is that I am built to be curvy and regardless if I can get pregnant or not, I am fully woman and I love being in a space of celebrating that this is who I am. The only times I have been thin, really thin...is when I was depressed or starving myself or in the midst of anxiety. What I felt was my healthiest was when I was fresh in love with the man I was going to marry and we ate to our hearts content and I was a yoga lover and running almost every day and hiking and a strong, fit, curvy woman. I was at a time in my life where I attracted a man who loved curves, when previous to that, I was with someone for years that thought I was "chubby" at a size 6. I am now a size 10 or 12 (and at five feet, two inches...well, those are some curvy curves).

I haven't been kind to myself this week and that is why I find it so moving that I actually saw this commercial (when I always fast forward but Cedar had me distracted). And because I had such a free-ing, emotional reaction to it, I imagined hundreds of other women like me around the world feeling the same celebratory oneness. Oh how I wish we could gather on the mountain and have a ceremony to honor this for all women.

So, today, I put on something a bit snugger and I am walking a bit taller and feeling a bit more in my body than I did yesterday. Thank you, Lane Bryant.

our time with marybeth.

marybeth, canon 50d

marybeth & me, village books, bellingham - taken by boho boy

mia, boho boy & marybeth reading to sula

marybeth reading to echo, village books in bellingham

sula

mia

the girlies in their home (love boho boy in the mirror making them smile)

breaking bread together {william, marybeth, boho boy & cedar}

cedar walking to william & boho boy (longest steps yet)

cedar falling into marybeth's arms

cedar & mia smiles

mia guiding cedar as he walks

tumble down hugs

echo on marybeth's red couch

Months ago I was guided to an amazing circle of women. Women that have old souls and feel as though they have traveled together many lifetimes. Some I knew and some I didn't but was given links to their online journals. I spent some time there and felt honored to the core to even be considered a kindred. Their thoughts, their stories ran so deep and raw and truthful, so close to our Mother Earth and so intertwined with all things goddess. I felt empowered just learning more of them.

I remember soon after writing to Marybeth..."I want to be you when I grow up."
She then responded..."I want to be YOU when I grow up."

And so it begins...a mutual admiration and crush and a lifetime of learning and growing from one another.

I encourage you to spend some time in her space. Her words will rip at the core of you. The parts we keep hidden and unrealized begin to reveal themselves when you get lost in her heart, her mind and her soul. Her ways of pure non-judgment allow me permission to be and feel and celebrate and embrace stories of my past or present that I attached shame to. She has a gift and it both gently kicks my ass and surrounds me with the cushioniest of cushions.

Marybeth and I have connected deeply via email...for months now. So, this trip to what could be our future home in Bellingham, was exciting for two reasons: being there and meeting her in person. Her and I were supposed to have some alone time that first night. To curl up near a fire with tea and be fully present with one another. To process the transition from screen to flesh. This never happened. After our flight and drive, we were exhausted and we would have to wait to meet until we were all together as families.

This threw me off a bit. For me, I still struggle with not being able to be fully present with my girlfriends when I am caring for Cedar and they their babes. It is something that is so foreign to me being a first time mom at 37. I know that being with others that fully understand where your attention needs to be is so very helpful but I still am conscious of it and a bit awkward with it. Especially with a new friend.

Because Marybeth is who she is, I felt comfortable being honest with her. After first meeting her with all of our kids creating life and laughter and sillyness around us, I didn't feel I connected with HER the way I so needed and longed to face to face. Our focus was on our children and their energies, which of course was beautiful to observe. The following day, when we got back to the hotel, I wrote her an email. Even though we were just a few blocks away, I went to a place I felt safe...a place where her and I can wait until all are in bed and fully be present with our exchanges. I wrote her this...

i felt on the verge of tears all day yesterday. especially being with you. i wanted so badly to curl up with you and just spill but i find that so hard to do as a first time mother, keeping my attention on cedar as well as making sure my husband is comfortable in a new environment. balancing those attentions doesn't come natural to me. i am a one on one person so so much.

I love how being fully honest in a gentle way opens up flood gates within friendships. She then felt safe to share her own feelings and reservations and dreams of what she needed as a first meeting and the next time we were together in person, it all just felt like home. Those expectations of what was supposed to be seemed to melt away and it was easier to let it be, knowing that if we don't have today, we will have another time and there is always our safe, quiet, sacred space of email. She was very gentle and affirming about this new territory for me of balancing motherhood and relationships and that like anything else, it takes time and practice, as it did with her and many new mothers in her life.

She's an awesome person to practice with! I am so thrilled to share my life in Bellingham with her and her magical faerie family. I am craving a community of like-minded spirits and families to gather and connect and share and learn from. I know she craves this too. And together we'll help one another create this life.

feelings.

The Feelings Series by Trace Moroney

What are you feeling today?

Sponsor GIVEaway!

This week on my blog, we are giving away one free space in the Summer session of Susannah Conway's e-course Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self starting May 24th (registration day is Saturday, May 8th...and she typically fills up within a few hours!)

The Unravelling e-courses are designed to help you heal the way you see your self and your world, using photography and journalling to access hidden thoughts and dreams, encouraging personal realisations and ultimately acceptance. The original Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self e-course takes you on a photo safari into your own life to reconnect with who you are, where you’ve been and where you want to go next… And the new course, Unravelling: Living in My World, takes you even further into your everyday life, delving into your beliefs, your personal stories and your gifts, all through the healing power of photography and community.

Susannah's Bio:
Susannah Conway is a photographer, writer and the creator of the Unravelling e-courses; she is also a Polaroid obsessive, an extroverted introvert and a fake blonde. She spent many years as a fashion editor and freelance journalist in London, and enjoyed attending fashion shows because she liked to watch the people in the audience. In 2005 her partner died from a sudden heart attack and her entire world shattered. She returned to the south coast to heal in solitude, and over the years has rediscovered her true calling though her passion for photography and writing. She now shares her wisdom with people around the world via her blog and her e-courses, and is currently writing her first book. She is proud to call herself a ‘family of one’ and likes travelling to far-off lands with her Polaroid cameras. Her superpowers are absolute truth-telling and shining the light. She remains a work-in-progress… always.

To learn more about Susannah, you can find her here:
homepage
e-courses
Unrav #1 course
testimonials

I met Susannah online almost a year after her partner's death. Her very first blog comment ever was on one of my posts about the freedom I felt from the grief of (in)fertility and being disconnected from my body when I found myself dancing to a Rosie Thomas song up in my loft. It resonated with her deeply. I wrote her back and we crushed out. She understood grief, albeit the grief of a different kind. So many of our emotions and growth and learning how to nurture self through the process was kindred and it connected us during a very crucial part of our journeys.

We often check in with one another and gratefully reflect on how much we have evolved and changed and moved and grooved and opened up and let in and taken flight since those first raw and tender steps of our journeys.

I remember a day so clearly years ago when she woke up shaken from a dream about her partner with me by her side and then hours later, I had been triggered by a conversation about birthing babies and found myself crying down in our friend Letha's basement (during a retreat in Seattle). They both came running down and as Letha sat on her knees in front of me, Susannah wrapped her arms and legs around me. It was a moment between the three of us that I will always cherish and that we bring up often to offer comfort. "I am wrapping my limbs around you." Those words are a haven. A safe place. A reminder of our strength in numbers.

To see Susannah offering up her story in light of helping to guide others back to loving self brings me so much joy. We all knew back then that her story would rock the world and inspire and empower. My heart is full to bursting writing this. I am so damn proud and excited about her gifts that the world is being blessed with.

We have nicknames for one another. I am Monkey. She is bunny. And this Polaroid that Sus took is totally us. Bring on the cheese... ; )

monkey & bunny (me & sus as finger puppets), polaroid by sus

Giveaway Rules:
Winner to receive free space in the summer session of Unravelling: Ways of Seeing Your Self
To enter, please leave a comment
One comment per person
Comment can be a smiley face or one word or something that inspires you
Winner will be chosen at random.org
Comments to be closed Sunday, April 25th at 9pm
Winner will be announced at the end of this post on Monday, April 26th

Winner is #278... Rowena that said: I think I missed this giveaway, so I'm going to jump right in here under the wire. ps I call my kids monkey and bunny.

Congrats love! Please contact Susannah to let her know you won the place in her Summer session Unravelling course.