bellingham.

downtown fairhaven, bellingham

We were driving on the freeway along a plethora of tall majestic trees. Rain was lightly pattering on the windshield. Cedar was in the back seat squealing because he was eating an apple. Apples make him happy. I mean REALLY happy because its small and round and red and something he can grasp with both chubby hands and it makes sounds when he bites down. Its a beautiful thing for a mom and dad to see their child so gleeful about fruit.

Then we saw the freeway sign. The mileage from here to Vancouver and Bellingham. The idea that we are that close to Canada, my husband's country, felt surreal. We have been waiting for this trip for months. A visit to a place we had never been but had already began to feel like home: Bellingham, Washington.

Months ago, I wrote a Facebook note about what a dream home meant to me. I spoke of oceans, forests, cool weather, my own vegetable garden and fruit trees, clothes on the line that were homemade by me, like minded souls surrounding us, lots of windows with a large porch and a swing, affordable housing, outdoor education, restaurants that cater to our diets. A sweet spirit wrote me a private message. "I live in such a place. You should come visit. Its Bellingham, Washington." I had heard of this place long ago when my friend Letha wanted her and I to go to college there. She knew it was an artsy town surrounded by lush green. It just wasn't the right time for me to go.

So, my husband and I did a lot of research and we kept shaking our heads at how perfect it sounded for us. We are deeply in love with British Columbia and had playfully dreamed of moving to Victoria but what held us back was that it would be stressful for my family to travel there by plane and ferry boat. Everything was perfect except for that...and that was a big thing. So the idea that Bellingham was so so close to both Vancouver and Victoria had such a pull on our hearts. We were quiet about it with the family because we couldn't explain why we felt such a pull when we had never even been to this place. It wouldn't make sense...and it needed to make sense to us too. So we tried to be more practical (which isn't typical for our gypsy souls) and just considered this a "vacation"...a chance to visit B.C. and a cool city.

As we drove into Bellingham, we immediately ended up in downtown Fairhaven. This is where our hotel was. It also happened to be just a few blocks away from my dear friend's house. None of this was planned. It just all fell into place. Fairhaven was where she had said a while ago would be perfect for us. But I had forgotten that.

I took a photo of it with my phone and immediately sent it to my family. My niece Angela wrote back "It is so storybook!" and she is so right. This is how I describe it to people now. Its so darling, so storybook...a bit surreal and too good to be true but it is...true.

Here are some images of downtown fairhaven:

My husband and I have this long list of what we would love our dream town to have and it just seemed the whole time we were there, we were mentally checking off that list. Ocean - check, Forest - check, Charming homes we can afford - check, Good education - check, Clean city - check, Awesome organic produce - check, Gluten free foods available in stores and restaurants - check, Earthy crunchy vibe with a balance of urban coolness - check, Close to Canada - check...check...check. Even down to the wee detail of cafes that serve rice milk (because Boho Boy can't have dairy and soy makes him feel crappy too). Even yerba mate lattes? Are you serious?

the woods coffee house...best coffee and gluten free english muffins! ~ boulevard park, bellingham

Then we saw this young woman, walking near the co-op with her guitar, singing her heart out...oh how my heart swelled with a knowing:

I was immediately sold. Although I know part of that is just my gypsy heart that has been yearning for a move for years now. Living where we are now has been the longest I have ever stayed in one place. I love to experience new places and cultures and am not at all afraid of change. I crave it. So, at this point, I could be like..."cute city? lets move!" and not pay attention to all the other things on our list. But now that we have a child and that this move would mean Boho Boy would be quitting his day job and earning income solely from his database business, we have to be logical and practical and clear. I could tell he loved Bellingham but it wasn't until the fourth day that he looked at me and said..."okay, i love it...lets move here!" with a huge smile and sparkly eyes. He said this after we had spent some time at the local Food Co-op, trailing up and down the aisles and squealing at all the delish foods. We then noticed the store had a little room off to the side with a rocking chair and stacks of toys and a shelf full of children's books with a mini table and chairs. It was a room for mother's to feed their babes and children to play. Cedar crawled into the space and started playing with the toys. These two children, about 9 and 10 years old sat down and started talking with us. Their language was so mature and articulate. They spoke of music and their studies and that they were home schooled. I imagined Cedar having friends like this. Growing up around kids that were in love with nature and chilled out and well spoken and kind. It seemed everyone we met that lived there had rosy cheeks and a kindness that was so very genuine. Many walked by with sincere smiles and one woman yelled across the street..."you're such a beautiful family!", which made us giggle. But really? Who does that? I was just enamored with the local folk.

downtown fairhaven

harvest moon bakery, maple falls...close to bellingham in the mountains

cedar & boho boy playing with a darling family of three boys and a mom from canada, visiting. we exchanged emails. they were awesome.

Then we finally were able to gather with my friend and her rad husband and three gorgeous girls. Being in their creative home and sitting down and eating and sharing stories and laughing at our children tumbling down to the floor hugging one another already felt like we lived there. That we weren't on vacation but just rather popping over for an evening to break bread with good friends. They helped us feel so at home. I had never seen my husband so engaged with another man. It almost made me cry. The thought that he would finally connect with like minded souls and have friends to hang with blew me away. He hasn't connected closely to anyone in a long while and I know he needs this, especially now. I too was giddy that I'd have a mama friend to play with during the day. To walk down to one another's houses and gather for hikes and exploration of sea creatures on the rocky beaches.

marybeth, william, mia, sula and echo...with cedar & boho boy

village books, downtown fairhaven

It's just a dreamy place...and I'll probably tell more stories in posts to come.

On our last morning together, we reveled in what became a morning ritual. Our hotel room had a gorgeous window seat big enough for the three of us overlooking Bellingham Bay. We would take the comforter off of the bed and throw it on the window seat, along with the pillows and snuggle up there with a bottle and our teas and talk and dream about what life would be like there. This last morning we went over a list of all of the "why's" we should move here and it was a long beautiful list...

our window seat in the room...at the chrysalis hotel & spa

What I loved most was that from day one until we left, Cedar had the most adorable rosy cheeks. He looked healthier. He seemed happier. He started standing and walking firmer. That was enough for me to feel deeply connected to this place.

the trail near our hotel to downtown fairhaven

cedar on our window seat, wearing a scarf knitted for him by auntie pammie

cedar naps, we nap.

sleeping cedar, canon 50d

The three of us have the sickity head coldie icks. Every spare moment of quiet is full of sleep. Cedar naps, we nap...which leaves no time for me to write the delicious post I've been yearning to write about Bellingham. Ohhh...so sorry to keep you waiting.

I'll leave you with a few fun facts about B'ham.

1. Three Pizza joints have Gluten Free Pizza (YUM).
2. Most every coffee shop has rice milk and yerba mate...oh, and agave nectar. We laughed.
3. Most everyone smiles when they pass you. Just like when you go camping and you're on a hike and other hikers nod or smile or say hello. It's just like that...but on the street!

More soon. I promise.

dreadie french braids.

me & my braids, taken with phone

I finally found a sweet spirit here locally that does dreadlock maintenance. After a few hours of girly chatter and crocheting my dreads, she taught me a few fun styles. These french braids (above) was one of them. I tried it myself the other day and wanted to share the fun with you.

So, if anyone is in the Southern California area and would love to get crocheted dreads and/or maintenance, Amber can be your girl! She's SO adorable and fun and comes with awesome stories about living in Los Angeles and socializing with the Hollywood peeps.

I absolutely adore my friend and dread goddess Stephanie, but I can't always fly to Portland to get them prettied. I am trying to organize a dreadie mama weekend getaway in Portland soon, though.

I am working on my photos and post about Bellingham. I caught a wee bit of a sore throat/head cold and needed to lay low today. I am longing to share it with all of you and process it here in this space. Soon, soon...

walkin' & groovin'.

While I am marinating in the crazy beautiful emotions of last week in Bellingham and processing how to express it to all of you, wanted to share a moment of our day today.

He just started feeling music with his body and he shows a bit of it here, although sometimes he REALLY grooves with every inch of his bod. He's also walking more fluidly, which I could watch all. day. long.

If you pay attention to the lyrics from Raffi in the beginning of this video (second verse of song), it looks like Cedar's doing interpretive dance. ; )

Music by Raffi and Elizabeth Mitchell.

{His darling pants are from Thailand. Got them here in dark brown and burnt orange. They are SO comfy and loose and groovy.}

home.

cedar at boulevard park in bellingham, taken by boho boy

we arrived home a few hours ago from a week away in bellingham, washington.

i have so much to share about our time there.
but we are exhausted tonight...in a beautiful way.
the kind of "played in a park all day or swam in the ocean all day" exhausted.
an exhilarated exhaustion, if that makes sense.

we felt so rooted there.
cedar slept peaceful between us and started fully walking there.
his feet firmly on the earth.
"this is home", he expressed to us with his bright eyes and toes tickling the grass.
so it is, dear sprite of ours.

with the loving, selfless and compassionate support from our families,
in one year, we will call this place home.

auntie dd.

my big sis darlene & cedar, happy together ~ canon 50d

My sister Darlene acquired the nick-name "Auntie DD" when it just rolled off of Boho Boy's tongue during Cedar's first days of life. "Do you want Auntie DD to hold you?" His inspiration deeply touched my sister (and me too) and it stuck and it still gives me butterflies to hear it (and her too).

Dar came to visit a few weeks ago. A visit that was a bit spontaneous and so needed for both of us. She is so very drawn to Cedar and his spirit. She truly sees him and gets him and all of his quirks and I am often almost brought to tears at how sweet their connection is. It had been a few months since she had been with him and she wondered if he would remember her. Both Boho Boy and I, along with Cedar picked her up at the airport. When Cedar saw her walking towards him, he suddenly had a huge smile on his face and his whole body was infused with joy and they did this cute thing where they held eye contact for a while up close. Gazing, like lost lovers. Then he did something that is totally their thing. He pointed at her. She was the first person that he ever pointed at months ago and Darlene said to me back then..."that is him saying I love YOU." And she was right. That is what it means for him when he points at people but he doesn't do it to just anyone...and he always does it to her. He did the same thing when he first saw her at Christmas. He pointed at her face when they greeted while she held him and she started crying and then I started crying and my niece Angela did and it was just a YUMMY moment to the core.

Having her here was not only healing for Cedar but for me too. I am at a time in my life where I am going through a lot of shifts emotionally. She provided a safe space for me to try to make sense of it all as it spilled by helping me feel heard and validated. She wrapped me up with tenderness during my dramatic PMS moments. No judgment or rolling of eyes but a soft hand brush on the knee and a nod of compassionate understanding and a warm embrace and gentle wisdom guiding me back to my inner voice.

I remember when I was young with a broken heart from my first love, laying on her chest crying, soaking her blouse and then facing one another on pillows while she stroked my hair telling me "this too shall pass...but it sure sucks right now". She's always been able to meet me where I was and not try to brush the hard parts under the rug. She somehow magically shares her wisdom as my big sister while still empowering me as a grown woman with a mind of my own. She embraces the ways I am unique without trying to influence me to think or feel the way she does. I think that is a gift she has always carried with her. A gift to provide love and shelter and guidance while empowering and teaching and readying you for flight.

I suppose its her belief in me that gives me courage to remember my own strength. I am blessed to have her as a sister and a friend and now an aunt to my son that is a smitten kitten around her.

Darlene shared her thoughts on Cedar here, here, here and here. These all made me laugh out loud and I feel like she said it better than I ever could.

In mid-April, Cedar and I are going to Northern Cali to be with my dear parents and my other yummy sister:: Grandmarmie, Vu-Vu and Auntie Pammie. Ohhhh...they miss him so and I miss them so and the ache to all be together is huge.

We are off to Bellingham and maybe British Columbia for a week. I am going to try to take a media break during that time. I need to snuggle my husband longer, sink my feet into cold sand, dip my fingers into dirt, lay back and drink in the rain, sip hot tea and hold a friend in the flesh, observe my son in an environment that we just might call home someday and revel in transformation to come.

Do visit my new April sponsors while I am gone. Such lusciousness!

{Side note: We saw the Fantastic Mr. Fox last night. LOVED it. We're still talking about it. Oh how I adore Wes Anderson and his movies. Cedar laughed at all the funny parts. How did he know they were funny? He's only 16 months old!}

sunday morning.

cedar in his chair, taken this morning

Where did our baby go?

We were in the kitchen this morning. Boho Boy making his Acai smoothie and me stirring Cedar's oatmeal and we look over to see him reading in his chair. "I love him" said Boho Boy. "He's amazing", I said. Cedar looked over to us and we waved. Then did his floppy hand wave back to his doting parents. I swallowed some heart soaked tears of joy. He's just so special. And we are so blessed. Wanted to share the moment with you.

bellingham, smoothies & american idol.

green smoothie, canon 50d

I know I've been a bit quiet this week. With Cedar being a bit more mobile, its been really fun exploring our days together. I am soaking in the wisdom of many mothers before me and am truly embracing each moment with him. Even the moments when we are laughing at flax seeds in his diaper from the flax seed toast he ate the day before. ; )

Our minds have also been occupied on our upcoming trip to Bellingham, Washington for Spring Break (we might also spend a few days in Victoria, B.C...depending on the flow of our days). Bellingham sounds like a slice of Utopia. Years ago when in high school, my friend Letha had a dream that her and I would study art at WWU in Bellingham. The way she described it then sounded dreamy but I wasn't yet ready to venture out at that time in my life. My dear friend Marybeth lives there now and I can't wait to snuggle up and watch our children play. So looking forward to how Cedar is with three gorgeous, creative, soulful and spirited girls, all older than him. So far with the few friends (his age) that he has played with at the park, I see a gentle, chill, forgiving spirit about him. I will not at all have this expectation that this will always be his way. In fact, I have no expectations at all...but it is so heart filling to see him being kind to others when he hasn't had any experience with siblings or other little ones.

I also wanted to share with you something that Cedar and I try to do together each day; drink a green smoothie. I have tried many varieties and my most favorite is my friend Sara's tropical blend. You can find the recipe on her foodie site here (scroll down for the video). She inspired me to drink it out of a mason jar. Everything tastes and looks better with a mason jar!

cedar & moi, drinking our afternoon nectar

p.s. i am watching american idol this season and i just need to give a shout out to Crystal Bowersox. i love her ways. i love that she may shift things for this show in the future. encourage others to listen to indie artists. and i love that she brought a comfy carpet with her on stage because she felt it was too cold and sat down on the carpet with ryan seacrest. she's such a kindred spirit. love her dreadlocks. love the ribbons in her hair. love her arm jewelry. she just rocks.

another p.s. check out this delish giveaway over at gypsy yum's blog.

book~stand.

I just took this photo a few minutes ago and had to share. I knew you'd appreciate it as much as I did. ; ) Sitting, standing or laying down and flipping through pages in a book is Cedar's favorite place to be. It always has been. With this particular book (Going on a Bear Hunt) he says "uh oh!" with every page and when he gets to the bit about them seeing the bear and running through all the places they had just been, he giggles and giggles. Its just awesome that he gets it...even when he doesn't know how to read yet (or does he and he is just keeping it secret?).

Boho Boy the Librarian is so thrilled about Cedar's passion for literature. ; ) I am sure some of you are looking past the book and noticing his Buddha belly. I know...totally pinch and squeeze and raspberry worthy.

potential private adoption.

grace & blair, canon 50d

Not sure how many of you know this but we adopted Cedar privately (not through an agency) and with the assistance of an adoption consultant that reached out to me via my blog. Her name is Tammy and she is a dear soul and had been reading my blog for a few years. Tammy has been in the adoption industry for quite some time and her inspiration to support this walk of life came from her own experiences. She personally has been through many different layers on her journey: placing as a birth mom, (in)fertility, pregnancy through IVF and adopting a child. Because of her empathy for all parts of this journey, she is able to support and guide her birth moms and adoptive couples in such a kind and compassionate way.

A few years ago, when I mentioned on my blog that Boho Boy and I were beginning to dip our toes into the idea of building our family through adoption, she quickly emailed me. She had been waiting for me to open up that door, rather than forcing it upon me (love that about her). Her and I became friends and when all was aligned, she guided us to the most perfect birth parents for our family, which lead us to adopting our son, Cedar. We are forever grateful for how we all found one another through this medium.

I am sharing this because Tammy has just reached out to me inquiring whether or not there is a couple reading my blog that are feeling guided towards building their family through adoption.

Tammy has a potential situation with a birth mother due to deliver late July. The baby will be full Hispanic and the cost will be approximately $20,000.00, which is average for a domestic adoption. The birth mother is in good health; no drugs, alcohol, or mental illness. She has 4 other children and seems extremely committed to placing for some very specific reasons that Tammy will share with the couples interested. Tammy feels it is highly unlikely that this birth mother will not place due to these reasons. With all adoptions, obviously there are no guarantees whether or not the birth mother will change her mind and that is the hardest part, but Tammy has a good feeling about her reasons for placement. It would be a semi-open adoption (no identifying info or visits) and the birth father is in full agreement.

If any of you, my dear readers, feel a pull and would like to talk with Tammy about this, please email me at denise (at) bohophoto.com and I will forward Tammy's email onto you to get a hold of her.

In the near future, I will be working with Tammy to refer couples that are reading my blog to her website (which is in the process of being designed) since so many in the past have reached out to me inquiring about our private adoption process. I am doing a blog post this time, as this is very immediate and I wanted to do what I could to help. Thank you all.

an act of love.

self portrait

So many things are shifting within me. I've been dancing and wrestling and courting voices within. Some really gentle and nourishing and some harsh to the bone and not at all serving my soul.

Today I did something I haven't done in a long time. I walked around naked while Cedar was napping. The weather is a dry hot here. The Santa Ana winds are blowing. I am a Kapha and the heat can at times feel oppressive and bring to surface emotions that run deep. I feel suffocated when the weather gets like this. Trapped underneath many layers of dessert sand.

When walking around naked, as much as I could feel the slightest breeze on my skin through the windows, I could also hear the harsher voices sing. They told me to pay attention to my thighs rubbing together or my bum drifting from side to side or when I would twist to grab something off the counter, they let it be known that the extra rolls on my back felt more prominent. I felt exasperated that I couldn't even enjoy this moment of pure naked freedom in my home. I yelled out and told them to shut the eff up and fought for my sanity. I sat down in front of a mirror and asked my body what it needed to feel loved. I gazed longer at those bits I turn away from in the mirror when getting out of the shower. I gazed and I sent those hills and valleys love. The dimples and the rolls and the bumps. I felt my whole being soften. I felt more forgiveness and deeper into the present but I didn't feel sexy.

I know I've shared this quite a bit but I have wanted so badly to feel sexy the way I used to before (in)fertility came into my life. I have blocks. Walls. I feel guarded at times with my husband. I feel stripped down and raw and sometimes, not as feminine as I used to. Its not his fault. He's so brilliant at trying to remind me but its just me and those voices and the hurt and confusion that this journey brought with it. I have work to do here. Whether it means seeing a therapist or just being aware of these emotions. Staying true to them. Staying honest and carving out time like I did today, to love on my body. Because in the end, my husband could bow down at my feet and tell me I am the sexiest woman he's ever made love to but it is me that needs to believe it. It is me that needs to love myself and celebrate my walk on this earth as a woman and embrace those curves and shifts and gray hairs on my head and lines on my eyes. Sometimes it is easier to be gentle when walking around with fabric covering your curves...but when peeled down and completely vulnerable with nothing but my skin, it needs some special nurturing.

So, I laid down on the bed in my loft and took some photos of my body. Not for him but for me. The way I used to when I felt so deeply connected to my curves. Sometimes I laughed at myself. Sometimes I cried with myself.

This is a movement in the direction of healing for me. Reconnecting with my curves after years of (in)fertility and the depression and treatments that added weight to my body and soul. Remembering that I am still a sexual being that is feminine and desired. Accepting the wider sway of my hips and bosoms the way I do when I lust after other curvier women.

This is an act of being gentler on myself and learning to love me all over again.

i suck at pretending.

cedar & me on stacy's couch, taken by her with my camera

sometimes when i watch my vlogs i cringe. i feel like i look like a dork. or...that you'll all realize i am a dork. or a dweeb. i think i like that word better than dork. because i am a product of teenage-hood in the 80's. but you know what? its me. and i will forever show you the real me. i am not sure if i am capable of hiding behind a safe mask that could be so easy to do in this medium. i have always shown you the raw bits in my writing and on my journey. i am a girl that wears her heart on her sleeve and totally sucks at pretending.

so yes, i might watch myself and cringe and wonder if seeing me live will turn people away but then i have this conversation with myself, reminding me to be authentic no matter who will love me or hate me or feel indifferent towards me.

with all of this said, i came across this image my friend stacy took of me in the morning at her place. i am reading to cedar on her comfy couch. freshly woken up. no make-up, no dread maintenance, pajama-clad and not at all a good angle for the curvy bod.

this feels liberating.

happy saint patrick's day.

Oops...I forgot to mention that Cedar has a whole lot of Irish in him, so its just awesome that it gives us more reason to celebrate this holiday. So fun. Here he is in all his green smoothie~ness today. See my new vlog below that I posted earlier this morn'...

finally...another vloggie.

So, I babble a bit but it was fun. Still trying to get used to where to look on the camera. It appears I am more comfy looking at the black screen than at the wee camera at the top of my iBook. Its hilarious.

Here are some of the links to things I mention in my vlog:

Amanda Soule & her blog SouleMama.
Amanda's books Handmade Home & The Creative Family.
My friend Stacy de la Rosa.

If any of you lovelies know of some Do-it-Yourself blogs and creative crafty projects for the home and family blogs, do leave them in a comment or send an email. Also some beginners sewing books would be awesome. This is a new venture for me that I am giddy about...like a kid in a candy shop or a fashionista in Anthropologie. ; )

I am excited to put my energies into nourishing things for my soul during this interesting shift I am feeling with the internet world.

What if someday I can make pretty skirts and dresses and pants and tops for me, my family and friends and YOU? Oh I love to dream.

Love youz.

ps. what's up with me itching my palms in this vlog? is that a nervous thing? and do you notice when you itch your palms, the itch gets worse? so not satisfying! ; )

{i should also mention that my dear friend em is a super crafty artsy sexy mama. of course i read her blog but i so love that she was suggested already. she is a luminous star in that world, yet so humble about it in a refreshing way. so inspiring. love her to bits.}

spirit babies and lipstick.

me & cedar, taken with phone yesterday

I haven't had a moment to upload photos from my sister's visit yet. I finally got my "big camera" out while she was here (lately I feel it is collecting dust). I have much to share about our time together but I don't want to share it without a few delicious images. I promise soon. I have yet to learn now to balance a heavy baby on my hip, carrying a heavy diaper backpack AND a heavy camera everywhere we go. So these days, I just snap with my phone so that I can immediately send the images to family and friends via picture message. Although, I do want to make a conscious effort to try to lug my camera around with me because yesterday at the park, Cedar kept picking little flowers from the grass and handing them to me. What a precious photo that would have been.

I want to thank those of you that left such kind, gentle and warm words on my last post. I want to thank those of you that emailed me with your own stories...being that woman in the dark room with me, blinded, feeling around for the other hand of someone who has walked this same path. Those emails are a gift to me. It gives my journey purpose more than just the growth of my own soul but also others. Oh man, what a weepy girl I have been reading your words. I feel really blessed because I know every time I take the risk of spilling feelings that could be interpreted wrongly or perhaps trigger another on this journey, it seems I am still understood and received gently. That somehow, through the clumsiness, I am understood.

A few of my friends wrote to me with tender questions. One question of whether or not Boho Boy and I are trying to conceive again. Or adopt again. With those questions was the reassurance that if we were, that they would hold this hope gently and let me guide them on how much I want them to be a part of manifesting this dream. That a space on their alter would be set aside just for us. That their knees would hit the floor in prayer for us. I wasn't expecting this at all and it really wrapped me up in a feeling of being so protected and so not alone. This journey has brought such stellar women into my life. As I type this, I weep with such awe and love for them. Love love love.

Since they wrote me curious, I wondered how many of you were curious. So, I wanted to share with you where I am with that. No. Boho Boy and I are not trying to conceive right now and there is no active energy being put towards adoption. What is happening is that something is shifting. This is the first time I am really putting this into words. I am still in the process of figuring out what this all is. I am wondering if perhaps it is a primal thing. That once your first child approaches two years, that it is natural to want companionship for them. Sometimes I feel a spirit close. Sometimes I don't. What I am doing is just really marinating in Cedar and learning how to stay present and not have expectations of anything other than the three of us. I think so much of that is about the fact that I am not one of those women that can just say..."okay, lets make a baby, I want another child!". I am not programmed to think like this. For me, that would mean doctors visits and a mindset of prayer and manifestation and dreaming and energy all towards a new child in our life. It also represents possible disappointment and fear and sorrow and I just don't want Cedar to have to absorb any of that energy. He is such a sensitive flower child. When we are off emotionally, he feels it too and it shows.

So, I suppose I am in a space of trying to hold all of this gently. To not try to control any of it. To just trust...really trust that if there is still another spirit up there, floating around us, longing to be with us, that that spirit will come into our life in unexpected ways, just like Cedar did. This is the space I need to be in. I don't want to be in a space of trying. I just don't think I can...not again. So, perhaps this is why my last post was written. It is a space that feels extra raw and tender and at a time when Spring arrives and babies are made and flowers bloom and new life begins. It all feels closer than it usually does.

I also really want to envision just the three of us or moreso just put my energy into the three of us and not so much on the future or even on the past. Just the here and now. I am sure I will process more of this here in this space...like I always do.

I wanted to share this photo above because I just am so in love with Cedar's face here. This angel, sweet presence that he has shows so much here. The safeness he feels with me. The belonging. The wise soul that he is. I also chuckle because I see why everywhere I go, people think he is a girl. It must be his lashes. ; ) Or perhaps it is just his soft gaze.

I also wanted to share this photo because you can see my new lipstick my sister bought me while she was here! Its actually two lipsticks. Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in the color Walkyrie (used all over my lips, not as a liner) and Tarina Tarantino Conditioning Lips Sheen in the color Prong. This is a funny story. I was SO in the throws of PMS when she brought me into Sephora. Both of my sisters (and my nieces) are divine when it comes to make-up. They just know their colors and do it so beautifully and I have always felt clumsy and like a fish out of water in stores like Sephora. I just never felt pretty with a lot of make-up. Anyways, she let me know that most of the time, my lipstick dries and all you see is my liner and that my liner was darker than my lipstick and I was so surprised!!! I have always used Mac "spice" lip liner and Mac "cosmo" lipstick. For years and years but no one ever told me that my liner was darker. I don't have the best lighting in my home and we have just a few small mirrors. So, I suppose I never look. ; ) We laughed about it and she helped me find a new color. A color that might look a bit darker than my natural lip tint and help me not have to wear any other make-up. What's funny about this story is that I pulled her aside and cried right in the store!! My tears came from an insecurity that her and my other sister Pamela call one another up to make a plan to get me to wear more make-up. Last time Pamela was here, she bought $100 worth of make-up for me in Sephora. She asked one of the Sephora ladies to give me a make-over with foundation (i've never felt comfy with foundation but I did it out of love for my sis). I just had this vision of Pamela calling Darlene before she left to come out here and saying..."Dar, its your turn. Didn't work the first time!!!" So, I pulled Dar aside and asked "do you and Pam think I am ugly and need help??" with tears flowing and a lip pout. You really just had to laugh at the whole thing because it did seem like a conspiracy and Darlene agreed that she too would be suspicious if the tables were turned. She wiped my tears and reassured me that this is her passion and she just wants to share it with me but agrees that I don't need any make-up. Her and Pamela are not in cahoots. ; ) We hugged and she got me and I got her and arm in arm, we purchased my new lipstick with giggles. And you know what? I LOVE them and wear them every day. I like the darker lipstick, no make-up look. Momma did need a change and my sister could see this more than I could and it was such a yummy gift. Both of my sisters had sweet intentions and I am grateful for their love and caring. Darlene also got me this sparkly cream to wear over my moisturizer. It makes my skin feel luminous. This feels so much better to me than foundation. Wanted to share the love with you.

Can I be any more random in this post? You guys are seriously patient and I so appreciate you going with my flow (literally...).

; )

gracefulness.

me walking cedar on the beach, taken by jessamyn

A few years ago I was sitting on the floor surrounded by a circle of women. Each of us, one by one, answering questions from a slip of paper in our hands. Some of them light, some deep but with the space I was in at that time in my life, anything asked of me to share felt sacred. I remember trying hard to swallow the tears I knew that would come, even at something as simple as "what is your favorite color and why?" Speaking in front of more than one person is already vulnerable enough for me but to be speaking to a circle of tender hearts that are intimately aware of my journey, it all just felt so raw and at the surface. I recall opening my mouth and when the words didn't come, covering my face and apologizing. It helped that in this circle of tender hearts, there was room for all of this and shame didn't have a place where my tears fell. What I remember most about this moment and why I am sharing this is because something a friend said to me, lifted my shoulders a bit higher and gave me strength to keep sharing. "Throughout this whole journey, you have been so graceful with your pain. I wish I could have been more graceful when trying to conceive." It felt so healing to hear this because I was feeling so completely messy at that time in my life and for someone I admired to see the dance in it all, the gracefulness, was a gift. A soft, tender, cotton-y gift I needed for my heavy heart in that moment.

Something very similar happened on the couch with my sister Darlene this week while she was here. My whole being was swirling with heightened emotions that come with the approach of my moon cycle. We sat drinking our tea on the last morning of her visit, exchanging thoughts about our time together. She had been with us a full week and had observed from morning until night how so totally full and different our life is now compared to before Cedar was born. She quietly observed new dynamics in my marriage. She watched me do the dance that day in and out can feel so invisible to the world. I felt that all too familiar heaviness in my throat, swallowing down the emotion that was swelling. It took one moment of a soft gaze from my sister and these words to crack me open..."I have witnessed so many times throughout this week when you could grit your teeth or grunt or pull your hair out but you are so graceful going about your day. You never stop, you're always moving and you do it so gracefully." Once again, the idea of me and gracefulness created a wider, more tender space for me to spill. The tears flowed and shame washed away and I felt safe to share the vulnerable parts of motherhood and marriage and parenthood through the eyes of grace rather than clumsiness.

Hours after my sister had left on the airplane towards her farm, I had felt so far from gracefulness. A week away from the computer left me feeling a wee out of touch with the outside world. I spent some time on the computer and in retrospect, I wish I had waited a few more days and just reveled in the quiet. The quiet my soul needs when my moon cycle arrives. I read a few blogs. I saw a few photos on facebook. All in celebration of pregnancy. An image of a sonogram. A swelling belly. Honest and raw spillings about the beautiful and hard parts of this new life and heart shift. I wish so much in these first breaths of coming across these images and words, I could celebrate with them. It is not natural for me to turn my ears and eyes and heart away from such a beautiful soul shifting miracle as a woman announcing she's pregnant or a stunning moment captured of a fully pregnant goddess twirling in a field. It is not natural for me to feel anger and resentment and sorrow with something so sacred and precious. Not only does it feel painful to feel these emotions but it also is painful to have to juggle the shame for feeling this at all. Eventually I arrive in a place of celebration with these sweet souls and calm and acceptance and bravery but in those first few moments, I want to crumble to the floor and weep. This doesn't feel graceful to me. This feels messy and clumsy and strained. I feel isolated and blind, feeling my way through a dark room for the hand of another woman that tried for almost five years and never once had those two pink lines appear through the stick. Five years. years...not just months.

So I laid my head down on the bed last night and allowed this all to be. I held myself close until the sorrow felt too exhausted to thrive. I took deep breaths and thought of what makes my journey unique. I thought of Cedar and the extraordinary way he came into our lives. I thought about what I would do if I was faced with a choice; A choice to be pregnant with another child, biologically ours or to be there at the birth of Cedar like I was. Cedar entering out of another woman's womb and not my own. I knew the answer. I would choose him. Yes, I would choose him.

I wish the awareness that I would always choose him would take that hurt away. Would steal away those first tight breaths upon hearing or seeing moments of the other side. A side I may never have the pleasure of feeling or knowing.

I am grateful for the dear ones in my life that forgive me when this happens. My soul sisters that are newly pregnant or fully pregnant or once pregnant that have always been gentle with these first tight breaths I feel. That have been patient and waited for messy emotions to move through me. That have wrapped me up in their arms to reassure. That have never forgotten my pain and longing. That have told me that my story helps them move more gently during the hard parts that comes with being pregnant, both physically and emotionally. That have told me they see gracefulness on this path of mine when all I see is unwieldiness. I am especially grateful for those that have no concept of what it is to walk on this path and yet still meet me where I am and remind me that regardless, they see me as whole and feminine and connected to the goddess within. It is when these souls in my life bend and leap and twirl with me, that I am taught what gracefulness truly is.

Sponsor GIVEaway.

self portrait by christina

Christina Rosalie Sbarro's blog My Topography was one of the very first blogs I stumbled upon back in 2005. Her honest and fluid writing drew me in. I was enchanted by her family and the tales of their adventures. There was also something about her smile. The images of her laughing. The twinkle in her eye. The freshness of her beauty. I suppose you could say it was a girl crush.

Years later she is now a Featured Sponsor on my blog (honored!) and her and I have put our heads together for a giveaway created just for the type of readers I attract here at my blog. We had a feeling her story would resonate with you and that her art would be an expression of your hearts.

Before I go into details about the rules of the giveaway...here are some juicy bits about her and a project she is working on that I thought you would find inspiring and perhaps want to be a part of::

Bio: Christina Rosalie Sbarro is a writer, a mother, and a mixed media artist (with a day job.) She has a knack for forgetting things on the roof of her car, a passion for eavesdropping in cafes, and a habit of getting paint on her jeans. Her short fiction and essays have appeared in the Sun, Mothering, and the Blue Print Review; with a new story is forthcoming in the L.A. Review. Christina blogs at {my topography} and spends her days trying to balance motherhood with her creative life. She recently took a leap into the wild blue: beginning the process of making writing and art her career. A part of that leap has been to launch a book project called A Field Guide To Now…. and she needs your support!

About the project: Part survival guide and part adventure guide. A Field Guide To Now is a manifesto for living right now, wholly, even with wanderlust, and loneliness, and small children under foot. Its a collection of illustrated essays using mixed media collage and a stack of inherited postcards. Like a real field guide, you’ll be able to flip through it at random, finding glimpses into the present; or you can read it cover to cover and unravel the narrative thread of present moments that stitches each essay to the next.

But here’s the deal—the funding on kickstarter.com is all or nothing, and Christina really needs your help to reach the funding goal. When you become a backer—you get some really fun and creative rewards—including prints, podcasts, and PDF sneak peaks of excerpts from the book, or the book itself when it’s published. If you resonate with Christina's heart and project, she needs our support on this creative adventure. Please go here for more details.

Giveaway Rules:

• Winner will receive the prints posted below.
• To enter, please leave a comment.
• Only one comment per person.
• You can leave a smiley face or one word or many, because...
• Winner will be chosen at random!
• Comments will be closed Sunday, March 14th at 12pm.
• Winner will be announced at the bottom of this post on Sunday evening.

These two prints are limited edition signed and matted, archival fine art giclée prints (image size 5x7"to fit a 8x10"frame).

{click on images for larger view}

"Awake"

"Swimming in the Present Tense"

{Winner of these gorgeous prints is #81...Kim H...that said "Wow!". Please email me at denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com. Congrats!}

she's here.

darlene, canon 50d

my big sister is here. arrived last night. she's still sleeping up in the loft. cedar and i have been up for two hours. i am trying so hard to be quiet but he keeps serenading her, looking up through the arched loft windows. like a little romeo to his juliet. so far not a peep from her. i see that she left the dragonfly lights on that are strung across the bed. this means she's had good dreams. the ones that are enchanting. they are magical that way.

cedar is now sitting up on his knees on boho boy's brown leather chair near the bookshelf. he is pulling down books one by one and flipping thru the pages. he always stops at wayne dyer and does more than flip. he stares. i told a friend this the other day while on the phone and she said..."he is so your child".

the window is open. last night it rained and it is still misting this morning. so the wind sounds moist. do you know what i mean? not only feels moist but sounds moist? the birds are still singing outside. there are five on the tree outside of our window. i think they too love the rain here since it rarely falls. how many birds like rain?

i just fed cedar scrambled egg whites sprinkled with goat cheese and oatmeal. also a bit of my banana with sunflower seed butter on it. our bellies are full. our hearts are full. now just if she would wake up so i can go take a shower... ; )

how i move and groove.

jessamyn, canon 50d

I remember taking this photo. When she first sat down on my floor, we were concerned about the lighting. It was shining bright on one side of her face and the other was shadowed. I remember pulling the camera down and away from my face and looking into her eyes. I pressed my finger down and clicked while we were talking because I loved what I saw in our exchange. So, what you see in her gaze is real. When I showed it to her later that day, she said "that is how I see you. that is love in my eyes."

So today, when I opened this image up, that is what I saw. Not the imperfect lighting...but the love in her eyes and the softness of her soul and the beauty of her being.

I might have missed this soulful exchange if the camera was covering my eyes and I was fiddling with settings to get it just right.

These are the moments that free me up as an artist and photographer. The moments that carry no rules and no limits but just soul and play and raw exchange.

Sort of like what we teach our children about art yet we forget. We forget how to create without boundaries.

Some professionals out there may pick apart this photo like mad. But others out there will see what I see and more importantly, feel what I feel.

And this my friends, is how I move and groove with my photography.

our sweet morning nectar.

ingredients, canon 50d

I have been asked via email or comments quite often how Boho Boy and I make our yerba mate in the morning. I wanted to share it here, in this space...with a little visual to make it more tempting. ; ) But first let me share our story behind mate and how it became a daily ritual.

When trying to get pregnant, we let go of a lot of guilty pleasures...one of them being coffee. My parents are from back East (Massachusetts to be exact) and one of the many traditions they brought into California when the Andrade family migrated was a love for creamy sweet coffee. I grew up with the smell of java every morning as a child. I longed for the day when I was old enough to have my own cup but I settled for the coffee nips my Memere would pull out of her purse during her visits to California. Morning coffee was never just a drink to get us going. It was a tradition, a ritual...almost a spiritual experience. We knew to be quiet when mom and dad were enjoying their first cup. My father would get up an hour earlier than he needed to, so he could ease into his day with his steamy hot mug. As my sisters and I got older, this morning quietness was part of our own lives. Darlene still tried to preserve this ritual while raising teenagers. Pamela while raising three toddlers and me, up in my studio apartment in Berkeley, overlooking the Bay Bridge. Three sisters living very different lives, yet still carrying on that tradition of "Shhhh...just let me sip and stare out the window while I wake...".

So, having to give it up for the sake of happy sperms and eggs colliding in perfect harmony was HARD and uncomfortable...but we were willing to do whatever it took.

I knew myself well enough to know that cold turkey just never cuts it with me. So I first transitioned with Teeccino herbal coffee that we picked up at Whole Foods. From there, we tried Guayaki dark roast mate. We drank both with either vanilla almond milk or vanilla rice milk, depending on the diet at the time. Following the first time we did the master cleanse, we went off of caffeine completely for a while. That felt so, so good but at the same time, I really missed my ritual. Herbal teas and rice milk just didn't feel the same to me. It didn't have that rich, creamy thing going. I disconnected from needing that ritual and as much as that opened up time and space for other things, I longed for that sacred creamy sweet time again.

Then it happened. Boho Boy and I were on one of our many trips to Victoria, B.C. We were walking around downtown and stepped into the Solstice Cafe. A groovy, artsy, comfy, warm vibe of a place. A place that attracts unique and passionate folks, sitting in funky furniture having rich and intellectual conversations. We were looking at their teas and in large chalky white words we saw "Yerba Mate Latte". We also saw that they had vanilla rice milk AND agave nectar (which has been our sweetener of choice since trying the raw diet a few years back). We both practically squealed, ordered two and found our big comfy chairs. When we took a first sip from our steamy mug, we looked at one another and simultaneously said "mmmmmm....". It was different. Creamier. Greener. Yummier than the mate we were used to. It was pretty much a dessert in a cup. So, we asked them what mate they used and they told us it was a green leaf blend, not the brown, dark roast one. It was pure air-dried mate. Another difference was that it was steeped in all milk. We used to make it with hot water and then pour a bit of milk in the cup. But they used all 100% vanilla rice milk. Mmm Mmm good.

Since then, it has become our nectar of choice in the morning. For a long time, we would boil the vanilla rice milk in an electric kettle and pour it in our french press but we felt like that might be too many calories, so we are back to using water and heating up the milk in a saucepan and using half milk and half mate in our mugs. So here is the recipe::

Loose leaf Guayaki San Mateo Yerba Mate
Trader Joes Vanilla Rice Milk (any vanilla rice milk will do but this one is the creamiest).
Agave Nectar
French Press
Electric Kettle

We steep the yerba mate in our french press while heating up vanilla rice milk in a sauce pan. We get our mugs out and put about 2 teaspoons (sometimes more) of agave nectar in the mug. When both the milk is hot and the mate is done, we first pour the milk into the mug and fill it half way. We then pour the mate in until the mug is full. I was taught to always pour the milk in first because it will mix more evenly. Stir in the agave nectar from the bottom and Voila!

Prepare to be addicted. I've already converted a few friends after they have stayed the night.

Yes, its still caffeine in a cup. Its perhaps just a wee healthier than coffee. Who knows. Always controversial, really. All I do know is that this is one guilty pleasure I don't want to let go of for a long time. It makes me happy.