birthstory book*

cedar (three days old) and daddy sleeping

This weekend I am working on a birthstory book for us to read to Cedar. I'll be using Blurb (love) to make it. There will be stories and images of when we first met his birth parents, then his BIRTHday, moving into the few weeks we spent in the hotel room post birth and finishing with the drive home. I want to read this to him on a weekly basis, so that his story, to him, will feel like a natural way to come into this world, into our world.

We'll continue to make books for him..."first year", "second year", etc. But this one is going to be so very emotional and raw and beautiful.

So, last night, as I was beginning to create the book by uploading the first image onto the Cover Page, I was starring at the computer to come up with a title. I was in a bit of a tender space, yet exhilarated at the same time. It was so fun to go back to all of these images and relive that whirlwind of a time for us. Yet, if I am completely honest with myself, in those moments of reflection...there are always a mix of emotions.

So, with a bit of rawness in my voice, I looked over at Boho Boy sitting at his desk near mine and asked..."What should I call the book...'Cedar's Birth Story'"?

...he thought about it and then responded in light..."How about 'Lord of the Binkies?'".

This is why I love him so. The yin and yang of our moods. I laughed so hard that I laughed myself out of being too intense in that moment.  He knows what I need so well.

Anyways, wanted to share a few of the images from the hospital, as well as the hotel room that are precious to me and haven't yet been posted on my blog.  Due to privacy for our birthparents, I am unable to share the ones of them.

xoxo

first gaze once nurses gave way..."oh there you are...of course it's you"

first cuddle with his son

first feeding

exploring his face

falling into slumber together in the hotel room

first time trying a wrap.  cedar was never a huge fan.  ; )

one of my favorites

he looks like a doll wrapped like a burrito (taken in hotel room on thanksgiving day)

questions for boho girl {answers #2}

taken with my  palm pre phone

Boho Boy has always felt awkward in front of the camera. He loathes smiling for the lens. He feels it is totally unnatural...unless it is natural, if you know what I mean. So most images I have of him are a serious face. This one in the car was classic and it made me laugh out loud and I wanted to share it with the world (thanks honey!). He was being his typical goofy self. I think through photos, people get this impression of him that he is serious all of the time but truly, he is always laughing and cracking jokes and smiling. I told him so many times he could be a stand up comedian and everyone that truly knows him would agree but alas...he is a sexy librarian and a database designer (I think that answered the question Gina asked about what he does for a living...*wink*).

Within the first hour of meeting him, he made me laugh so hard I wanted to pee my pants.  Laughter is SO the way to my heart.  I can be serious and intense enough down deep and my release has always been to giggle nervously or to laugh with abandon.  Two things that Boho Boy discovered soon after our first hello and ever since, has been having the time of his life with.

The other day we were teaming up to change one of Cedar's explosive poops.  Cedar loves to kick his legs and wave his arms and try to get off the changing table while we're doing this.  Hence, the team effort it needs.  To distract him, we always hand him something to play with and we try to be creative and new.  This particular time, it was an iPad touch (looks just like an iPod).  Although, while holding it, he also dipped his hands in his poop and then proceeded to smear the juicy poo onto the iPad screen.  My gut reaction was mortification.  I have a bit of a gag reflex when it comes to the smell and sight of poo.  This is why Boho Boy thought I might never be able to change a poopie diaper...but I have been doing SO good.  I've only gagged a few times.  But Boho Boy's reaction to the smeared poo on his beloved iPad was...calm, cool and "hey...look, it's an iPood!"  I think I laughed so hard I cried.  Then Cedar laughed too.  Oh, did I tell you Cedar has an awesome sense of humor?  Its almost scary sometimes how sharp he can be at 20 months.  He has tried to make us laugh for a long time now. He totally gets it from his daddy...oh, and I guess me sometimes. 

I love them so.

Okay, onto answers to some of your questions about my boys:

Leah asked:  Coming out of lurkerhood to wonder about the process you went through to choose an adoption consultant.
My answer:  Our situation was pretty unique in that the adoption consultant came to me.  She had been reading my blog for a long while and when I mentioned we were peeking our heads into the realm of possibly finding our child through adoption, she immediately reached out to me via email.  We ended up having a phone call and talking for hours and becoming friends.  At first she was just there as a resource, to answer any questions I had and then when we were ready to pursue getting matched with a birth mom, she was right there with a list of birth mom stats.  So, because of this, we never went the agency route and have no idea what that process is like.  I can imagine doing it through an agency is quite different.  Tammy is the adoption consultant's name and she does it all very organically and privately and is basically a liaison between the adoptive parents and birth mom.  Doing it this way felt very natural for us.  Going about it the way we did isn't for everyone, as we were also involved in the paperwork side every step of the way, hired our own lawyers, had unsupervised visits with the birth family, etc.  We felt so blessed because Tammy had gotten to know our hearts deeply via my blog, which opened up space in her to be really intuitive about the process for us in regards to what suited our needs and lifestyle.  Another reason I am so grateful that I have been open about my journey here.  Had I never spilled about it on my blog, Tammy may never have found me.

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Sue asked: I would like to ask you how do you keep that real once in a lifetime love so special with your wonderful boho boy?
My answer:  This is such a beautiful and real question and so appropriate for us right now.  I think one of the most harmonious things between me and my husband is that we are both communicators. Neither of us can wait long periods of time without spilling our feelings and in a gentle way.  Neither of us are aggressive about the way we communicate.  We are not comfortable raising our voice and we are both peace makers and always have been throughout our lives.  We're kind of kindred spirits.  Both of us have been in relationships where our partner was more aggressive or more private with their emotions, so that has made us really appreciate one another. So, I think this similar way of dealing with anger and frustration and emotions, has kept us very close.  Although, the reason this question is apropos, is that recently we had sort of fallen into a realm of quietness with one another.  Feeling really exhausted as new parents and him working so much and me missing him. For the first time in our entire relationship, we were not super present with one another and when my sister Darlene came to visit, she noticed and brought it to surface.  It really shook us up to see how easy it is to grow apart when you're focus is your child.  So since then, we have sort of come back to ourselves by communicating daily and spending quality time together and reconnecting with the dreams we have for our wee family.  It was a funk that we all go through and it needed to be heard and validated and nurtured.

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Diane asked: Also, what's your philosophy on marriage? You seem so loving and caring towards your husband. I love and adore my husband, but sadly sometimes the mundane daily tasks bring out the nag in me. What advice would you give to inspire someone to be a better wife?
My answer: Oh Diane...I nag!!!  When I do find myself being naggy, I try to be really conscious of it and apologize if I feel it is not helping the matter.  I have really learned, with any relationship, that if there is something going on that doesn't feel right or I feel taken advantage of, that it helps to be gentle and not attacking about it, otherwise defenses will surface and you won't feel heard or truly seen and neither will they.  I try to let my husband know how grateful I am that he does this, this and this before I let him know I am not comfortable with something else.  But there are times when I am grumpy and tired and moody and I just let it out and because he is SO transparent, I see when it is too much for him and that is when I jump in and tell him what really is bothering me...which is most always something not at all related to him but some inner struggle going on.  I don't know if I really have a philosophy on marriage, really.  I just feel it is so important to keep communicating with my husband.  Even with uncomfortable subjects. I really try and take responsibility for my part in the relationship first before I try to fix his and when we do that for one another, we are both being an example to one another of how we want to be.  I think this could be a whole entire post because I have more to share but I'll do that another time.  Thank you for this.  It helps me navigate closer to my love life.

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Anonymous "A" asked: How did you find the courage to stop trying for another baby after adopting Cedar? How do you react/feel when people share stories of miracle pregnancies after adoption and suggest that adoption may kick in some magical hormones? I ask this because I am SO TIRED of other peoples pressure to try for #2, but also feel that nagging pressure inside. It's hard.
My answer: Awesome question and so grateful for the space to explore this. I was so very attached to the idea of being pregnant and birthing my child for so, so long.  Up until I met our birth mom face to face, really.  It was then that something shifted within me with the realization that this spirit baby that I have been feeling near me all these years, was supposed to come into our lives this way.  It was our story for some reason.   The reason for it perhaps didn't need to be known then and may not be fully known for a long time.  I just felt certain about it when I gazed into our birth mom's eyes and felt her tummy and him move around for me. So the courage came from knowing this was our story, the way we were supposed to find one another.  That really helped me to let go of being attached to any one way of how we connect with our child in this realm. Many people have approached me with the concept of having another baby naturally or even adopting and depending on my mood or if I am in a tender space or not, it does pull on some hard parts for me.  Mainly because I am not one of those women that can control it in that way (either biologically or financially).  I have really had to come to a place of accepting that it may always just be the three of us and feeling centered in that vision.  So that if we do end up getting pregnant or adopting another child, it would be such a blessing but not really a goal, if that makes sense?  We are not "trying" for another baby.  We are wanting/needing to be in a space of trust and letting go and accepting what is.  I think what also helps is that Cedar has other bio siblings out there that have been placed for adoption.  I feel confident that someday he will connect with, when all feels aligned and comfortable within those families. (Ingrid...I hope that answers your question about adoption too!!).  So, when people ask me if we want another child or make a joke about a miracle pregnancy post adoption or inquire about us adopting again, my response is always..."we're not trying but if it happens, that would be a blessing.  we are okay with just the three of us. "  What more can they say?

Whew, man...good stuff you guys.  So grateful.

Here is a weekend photo for you of Cedar playing with his new beloved train set:

questions for boho girl {answers #1}

happy photo of me by my soul sister jess

I am LOVING all of the questions you have asked. This is such a great teacher for me to dig deep for answers within. Answers for things I perhaps haven't truly solidified in my heart or thought consciously about in a long while. Some are deeply personal and some just plain fun.  I am humbled to the core by your kind words and feel the need to say that I never walk on this earth feeling I have the answers to life's mysteries.  My answers come from my own personal journeys.  Oh how my heart, mind and soul are ever waxing and waning as my life unfolds and experiences guide me to evolve.

Today was a craaazy day, so I only have time to answer one question. I plan to answer more than one in future posts.

Lillian Chang asked:  What is the best piece of advice anyone has ever given you? You always seem to have so much knowledge and wisdom and understanding, and I was hoping you could share the best bits of that with us :)

Such an awesome question, Lillian!  What comes to mind is when I was in my early twenties,snuggling up with my friend Suzi, she shared with me something her father had told her when she was upset about how someone had treated her.  He said "always take responsibility for your own happiness."

I remember feeling like a wide space opened up in my heart when first hearing this.  It really shifted things for me.  I, like so many people, had spent moments in my life being a victim when I was hurt or feeling alone or misunderstood.  This idea of taking responsibility for my own happiness felt so empowering.  This realization was both beautiful and hard.  You mean I was fully responsible for my choices and actions and I couldn't really blame anyone in my life today or in my past?  Wow...that takes work.  A lot of work but oh how much richer my life has been and how much more peaceful my relationships are when I remember this.

Isn't that concept so deep and wide and helpful?  It has served as such a guide for me.  During the darkest times in my life when I wanted so badly to blame someone or something else, when it came down to it, I knew it was up to me to pull myself out of the muck.  It was me that needed to remove myself from people or environments that felt toxic and no longer served how I wanted to be in this world.  It was me that found the courage down deep to own my own stuff that surfaced when I felt triggered (i.e. I felt this way when this happened rather than You made me feel this way). 

I think in a sense, it empowered me to make healthier choices and therefore, step deeper into pure joy and happiness.  Its a process, always...an ever present teacher for me.

questions for boho*

Over the next few weeks, every spare moment of mine (in between Cedar naps and laundry and grocery shopping and meal preps and cleaning our home) I will be writing and gathering stuff for my web designer. Yes, I FINALLY hired a true blue web designer rather than stumbling my way through it myself. I am in the finishing stages of writing my ecourse and I want to have one space where you can go to find me, rather than four different places.

Since I am creating more time for me to stop procrastinating and just get. it. done...I will need to focus focus. So, one of my readers had a fun idea for my blog over the next few weeks. My friend Em had her blog readers ask her questions in the comments and then she answered as many as she could in future blog posts.

So my dearies...if there is something you've been meaning to ask me, I'd love to try my best to answer, as long as it is still protecting the privacy of the rest of my family.

I'm so excited for inspired writing material from you creative beans!  If you don't have a blog and you are writing anonymously, do tell us where you are writing from.  I will be posting these questions (and answers) in my future posts.

xoxox

p.s. my sis has posted stories about our time at the farm over at her blog...SO cute.

visit to the farm*

cedar in the almond orchard

For a good portion of his life, my sister's husband has dreamed of living on a farm. Knowing my sister, I am not sure if this is what she had always envisioned as where she may grow old with her lovemate. I believe she had in mind a Victorian house on a cliff near the sea...just like many of the romance novels she read. Yet, seeing her dig her hands into Mother Earth and walk up and down her orchard of almond trees, whispering to them...I truly cannot see her anywhere else. She has found her home within her husband's dream and has made it her own dream too. It has been so long since I've seen her so rosy cheeked and deeply connected to nature.  It is pure delight to see him shed his perfectly pressed suit and tie and dig his soles and hands into his dream, with a straw hat and gloves.  Farmer Boy.

There is so much magic in their orchard. It is indeed a home to many faeries and gnomes and the sweet imp that my son is, he brought them all out to play. ; )

Cedar and I would take a walk through the trees in the early morning while Auntie DD was still sleeping. The air was crisp. The wind singing softly through the leaves. The birds melodies and the cow  moo's from farm's near was such a delicious symphony for our ears. We walked hand in hand.  We picked flowers and smelled them.  We crouched down low to watch bugs crawl.  We counted clover leaves.  We stroked our fingers across the bumpy trunks of trees and brushed our faces against their low hanging branches full of leaves.

There has been some emotional upheaval within our family and being together was so very healing. It was simple. And gentle. Moving from moment to moment without plans. Breathing deep. Spilling deep. Holding. Snuggling. Quiet stillness. Mindfulness.  Kindness.  There is something about the country that draws you into slowing down. I forgot about phones and laptops and facebook and blogs and twitter. It brought me nearer to my heart and closer to being present with my surroundings.

Before bedtime, when I would usually be caught up in the routine of bathtime, reading, bottle, bed...we would be sitting out on the porch, watching their three dogs roam around the grass and gravel, singing "twinkle, twinkle little star" in unison while pointing at the massive amounts of sparkles in the clear sky. Sitting on our laps, Cedar watched the sun go down and felt the slight chill come in and the fresh country air made him weary. 

My parents were able to spend some time with us there.  They are rearing a new puppy, so it wasn't easy to pull them away from the routine that puppies need.  They brought Meadow and she was precious.  Sweet tiny fluffy little licking love muffin.  All she wanted to do was smother us in kisses and paws.  My daddy and I took her on a walk in the orchard.  She thought she was in puppy heaven.  Cedar couldn't decide whether he wanted to melt into her or run away.  He so needs a puppy.  Soon, soon.  This is the healthiest I have seen my father in a long time.  His bad back and diabetes has taken such a hard toll on his body and soul.  His circulation is not flowing well in his feet and legs and sometimes fingers.  But in the orchard he was walking stronger than usual.  Perhaps it was the fresh country air or that Meadow is bringing out the youth in him. It just brought me comfort.  Marmie got down on her hands and knees to draw and color with Cedar inside. She was so proud of her creation.  I told her she won the gold star for the day.  I think she needs to color more often.  She always said she wasn't very creative.  I never believed her.  She's created so much beauty around her.

I felt surrounded by love.  I felt safe.  I felt so excited to share Cedar.  Sometimes I wonder, since my sister and parents come from two different generations, if they will observe my parenting and think I am nuts for not being conventional.  But what I ended up feeling was so very strong. I notice those moments when they probably want to give me advice but rather they let go and let me step into my own intuition and knowingness.  There is so much space for me to explore and marinate, to seek and feel secure in my relationship with my son.  It means everything to me.  I know that is rare and I do not take it for granted.

I miss the farm.  I still feel it in my bones.  What I miss most is the late night spillings with my sister that ended up in tear soaked embraces. We both feel very seen and heard.  Together we are learning how to make healthy choices for our lives and in our relationships which is allowing more space for cultivating kindness, gentleness and respect with one another.  Some of this is heart wrenching...to resist old patterns of behavior and thought but yet so full of truth speaking and raw-naked-nothing-to-hide-love.  Its a process but one I am reveling in with my family.

Here are a few images of our time there...

cedar handing me a flower to smell

kindred spirits.

loving my sister's mirror and loving how cedar loves himself in his reflection

good morning farm!

peering down to watch a butterfly.  i think cedar wants wings too.

auntie dd playing cars with cedar

cedar's post nap bottle.  i am usually snuggling with him but had to take the photo. yes, he still 
drinks at an angle for his GERD.

uncle jj reading to cedar

auntie dd reading "i love you, stinky face"

how you cool off at the farm

popsicles in a cool bath...another cure for a hot day at the farm

grandmarmie coloring with cedar {wish this came out more clear}

at the airport heading home.  love his monkey backpack.

we are so sad to leave...but missing Boho Boy deeply.

The Journal :: Volume One

I am soooo full to bursting with joy about this! Truly honored to be part of this magical collective.

More juicy details and how to purchase this delicious book here.

a wee adventure.

me seaside, taken with palm pre

I am taking Cedar on a wee adventure. Will be back later in the week. It is SO needed. Its been a rough week due to some serious teething and growing pains all at once. I swear he woke up yesterday morning a foot taller. Okay, well at least a few inches. He is going to be a tall one. He is the height of an average 3 year old. I wonder when he's going to tower over little ole' me...when he's five?!?!?

Two tall boys in the home. I can see the jokes to be had in the future. Growing up, the running joke in our house was that my mother was adopted. We were all dark haired and mostly dark skinned and she was pure white with freckles and red hair. People sort of cocked their head sideways when she'd say "these are my girls!" It SO was not politically correct that we said she was adopted but now that I've adopted, I feel I can make light of it. ; )

I digress.

I was talking about our rough week.  Yes.  So yesterday I get a call from Boho Boy on his way home from work.  He told me he wanted me to go see a movie tomorrow.  Have some alone time.  I had a huge lump in my throat and when I hung up the phone, a few tears spilled.  I didn't realize how much I needed some "me" time until that moment and I felt so filled with gratefulness that he knew what I needed more than me.  He truly is an amazing man.  I heart him.

I chose to go see Twighlight: Eclipse.  I just had to!  I am a Twi-Geek.  Read all the books in the same month.  I was obviously in some serious need for light drama and fantasy and ethereal love stories that month.  ; )  So there I was today sitting in the theater...a crushed out girl in a sea of crushed out girlies that are hot for vampires and werewolves.  It was awesome!  The collective clapping and sighing and squealing.  The energy was so great and just what I needed.  Escape!  I'll be the first one to admit that I am a dreamer and love to escape now and then and one of my favorite things to do as a young adult until now is drive in a car, listen to music and dream up scenarios and adventures.  It must be the writer in me.

So I end this wishing each of you a dreamy week full of imagination and adventures.  I also want to end it with this adorable photo of Cedar.  I FINALLY got him in his yogi pose.  He does this all the time.  Just sort of sits there in deep thought.  I wish my limbs could do this with ease...

cedar, taken with palm pre

a sense of calm.

I took this photo yesterday while in the studio up in the loft.  A few dear friends and I send photos of one another back and forth via our phones.  Our way of feeling as close to skin as possible when all we have is words or phone calls. 

I like what I see when I look at this picture.  I am not talking about my outer self but my inner (although, what I do love about my outer self here is that the bottom of my feet are dirty from living barefoot).

I see a sense of calm and comfort in self...a peace.

I think so much of this calm comes from what I have been putting into my body.  I have been mostly vegan for over a month now.  I say mostly because I have tried fish a few times. Other than that, I have not put animal or dairy products into my body and I am pleasantly surprised at the result.  First I have to say how completely bizarre it is to me that I am not craving either one of these.  They were a pretty big part of my life...well, at least cheese was.  The only meat I was eating on a consistent basis was turkey (sliced sandwich meat from whole foods) and lamb. But man, cheese was my chocolate (I don't really crave sweets and haven't for years).

What motivates me to not eat these things when placed in front of me are a few things.  One is that I truly feel my morals are aligned with my choice to not eat animal or dairy.  I have a deep love and respect for animals and I know some are treated kindly and respectfully (organic, free range, etc.) but most are not and this is my way of letting them know how deeply I feel for them and see their souls and bodies as sacred.  Two is that I feel so much cleaner and less sludgy.  I am motivated by that so much.  I have little to no allergies or asthma and I have more clarity of mind.  More patience.  More calm.  More love to give.  More wide open spaces in my heart. More energy and lightness of being.

For me personally, it feels so right within.  I feel more connected to nature than I have in so long.  I feel more mindful when I am chewing a mouthful of kale and whole grains.  I think about where it came from.  The mindfulness of those that prepared the soil and took gentle care of the crops.  The sun and the rain and the earth creating life through plants so that we can have energy and vitamins and minerals and LIVE and survive.  I think that is where the calmness comes from.  The wide open spaces I am talking about.  The ability to slow down and take time to even think about my food in my mouth, where as before I was shoving it down my throat so I could get to the next task of my day.

Before I continue to share in posts, this journey with all of you, I wanted you to know that I am so careful to share my thoughts about the treatment of animals.  I know this is a tender topic to so many people that consume animal products that are wonderful, amazing, enlightened, mindful beings.  I hope I make it so very clear here on my blog that all of my choices are choices that feel right for me and my wee family.  I do not project it onto other people.  I do not judge.  I always strive to come from a place of compassion and empathy, having been through so many journeys myself.  Having eaten animal products all of my life.  I have never been one to stand on a soap box about any one idea because I know we are all so different, coming from various life experiences.  I leave room for all of it.  Your choices are yours, my choices are mine and if there are good and kind intentions behind them, we can celebrate them together and in peace.

So, with that put out in the open, I will mostly talk more about how I feel physically and emotionally with this new way of eating, rather than focus on the treatment of animals and our dear Mother Earth.  Although I will bring those topics up of course...but they will not be the focus.  My mission is not to convert you.  My desire is to spill my own experience, with hopes that you may feel as re-invigorated and inspired and empowered as I have to treat yourself more kindly.

Reading the book The Kind Diet opened up these spaces in me and now while reading the book The Hip Chicks Guide to Macrobiotics I feel like my spirituality and connection to nature and God and nourishment and the sacred feminine are being aligned.  I also have the book Women, Food and God on my shelf but I find it really intense for where I am at right now in my life with a toddler.  What I enjoy about the Kind Diet and Hip Chicks book is that they are simple, light, fun reads and that is about what my mama brain can absorb right now.  I heard Women, Food and God is absolutely life altering and I will probably read it in small doses (which is what a friend suggested I do anyways).

I not only see and feel the shift within myself but it is flowing through in my marriage and in my husband as an individual.  Boho Boy eats whatever I put in front of him and has seemed to love my recipes now more than ever.  He has been feeling much of what I have and because of this, has been eating less and less animal products (he hasn't had dairy in years...he is lactose intolerant).  I also see him slowing down.  I see more patience with his work.  The last few days he even started doing Tai Chi again.  Something he really feels connected to.

I am also trying to incorporate more greens into Cedar's diet.  My next post will be about how I am going with Cedar's flow on what he loves to eat but also trying to be creative in incorporating more plant life into his precious body.

I will end this with a yummy pasta I made that Cedar LOVED...

{gluten free spinach and fettuccine pasta tossed with an asparagus puree, topped with toasted pine nuts and rice based grated parmesan-texture cheese.  recipe inspired from Heidi Swanson in her book Super Natural Cooking .  i made a few tweeks for my dietary needs}

funny face*

cedar's funny face, 19 months

He's been making this face lately when he's unsure about something.

Its awesome.

Happy Birthday Boho Boy!

my boho boys in january, 2010

My dear husband turned 40 today.

I was madly in love with him the day we were married on a cliff, near the sea, with fabric flowing up top tall bamboo and lanterns and lights in the trees.  We were surrounded by faerie magic and the deep love and support from our yummy family and dear friends.

Every day since that magical one, I fall deeper and deeper in love with who he is as an individual, husband, father, son and friend.

The other day he was sitting on the couch reading and I was across from him curled up in his brown leather man-chair.  He asked me why I was looking at him so funny and I said "because you look a lot like you did the day we met in that kitchen in Santa Barbara early in the morning.  Same shorts.  Same type of shirt.  Same tousled hair."  I kept sacred to myself what else I was feeling.  A little shy to keep going because he seemed embarrassed enough already.  But my heart was swelling that I married that man and he we are, 8 years later and I am still so crushed out.

Please leave him some birthday yums in the comment section.

We are away from our family and friends and I so want him to feel wrapped up in love today from those that surround us in our life.  I planned a spa day for him near the sea.  A 90 minute deep tissue massage and a float tank.  Then dinner at one of our fave places.  YUM.

Here are 40 reasons why I love him.

1. He is so very witty and makes me laugh every. single. day.
2. He loves to read and reading is sexy.
3. He can be the life of the party or the quiet one in the corner reading.  Love that.
4. He has an open mind and is not a fan of labels/boxes on ideas/people.
5. He has the most beautiful forest green eyes.  They sometimes look gray or brown.  Awesome.
6. He has a deep understanding and appreciation for the sacred feminine.
7. I feel he truly sees me and wants me to be ME.
8. He has always encouraged and supported my dream to be a freelance artist/writer.
9. He has worked so hard since I met him so that one day soon we will all live somewhere in the country and work from home, doing what we both love and teaching our child(ren) how to follow their dreams.
10. He has such a deep well of patience and has taught me to be more patient.
11. He has taught me to breathe deep and ask for space when we disagree, so that it doesn't escalate to a place where we say things we don't mean.
12. He gives the best hugs ever.
13. He is 6'2 and I am 5'3 and...well, that is yummy.
14. He loves camping in the redwoods of Norther California.  I grew up camping there.
15. He loves/needs to live near the ocean.  Me too.
16. He is a writer and has been writing a trilogy for years. It is Awesome.  That's hot.
17. He wants to build us a meditation dome in our backyard someday.
18. He is a self taught construction dude (love him in a tool belt).
19. He grew up with a mother from Germany that loves traveling, hosting parties and cooking and a father that was an archeologist/anthropologist/professor/musician and a brother that is a fine artist hippy.  A truly bohemian fam.
20. He is willing to try any way of eating and always jumps on board with me when I start a new thing (currently Vegan).
21. He does Tai Chi in our living room with our son running in and out of  his legs.
22. He is a very present father to Cedar.
23. He has been in a band and is an awesome drummer.  He drums on everything.
24. He walks around naked, very comfy in his skin.  Its inspiring.
25. He is very open minded about spirituality.
26.  He loves/admires both Jesus and Buddha (me too).
27. He introduced me to Sci-Fi and brought out my inner Geek from 6th grade that felt she had to be something other than who she was to be loved and accepted.  I now embrace the Geek in me.
28. He wants to travel to Thailand someday.  Me too.
29. He loves and is proud that his lady is a Boho.
30. He reads my blog every time I have a new post.
31. He supports and encourages girly get-aways for me.
32. He loves to Kayak.  Kayaking is hot.
33. He appreciates and loves my curves.
34. He needs communication to feel truly intimate with a woman and is not afraid to admit that.
35. He went to therapy for a while before we met and had self-help books in his bookshelf.  That is hot.
36. He wants to build us a straw bale house someday.
37. He wears drawstring pants and rainbow sandals in the summer.  HOT.
38. He wasn't afraid to tell me he wanted to marry me a few weeks after we met.  Love his brave heart.
39. He thinks being a man is being in touch with your emotions and knowing who you are.  HOT.
40. I always dreamed of marrying a man from a different country.  He's Canadian.  Canadians ROCK.

Bonus fact:  He taught me the concept of asking one another "what are you afraid of?" during disagreements or grumpy moments.  It shifts from projecting to introspection.  YUM.

first music & dance class!

hillside artisans

My friend Stacy was in town with her family and spent the day at Sea World. It was there where she found what she called a REALLY hot mama resembling Cameron Diaz. This hot mama told Stacy about a yummy boutique called Hillside Artisans where you can find delish shoes, toys and books. So she sent me a text about it and the next day I dragged my boys over to this place...just for fun.  ; )

SO adorable.

Upon entering, we hear a woman singing in an adjoining room and she motioned over to us "So glad you're joining us, come in! Its free!" It was a music and dance class. There was only one other mother with her three year old daughter. We couldn't refuse.

Cedar was a bit shy when he first sat down with daddy. The teacher's voice was quite loud and she was singing right to him and his body language was that of pulling back. But then he warmed up within a few minutes and oh my, was he in his element!!

The next hour was one of the funnest we've had with him ever. As I've written here many times, he is just so connected to music and instruments and his whole body gets into the groove of it (especially with folk, bluegrass and oldies). So to see his face light up and then break into dance was AWESOME. The teacher wasn't expecting that at all.  It warmed my heart for her to recognize his soul.  He was really free with it all. He kept handing all of us his intruments and ribbons, wanting us to join. My mama heart melted all over and I got teary quite a bit. Boho Boy just beamed and got into drumming.

Cedar and I are solo, so so much of our days and this is why I try to go to Java Mama or the park as much as possible. So many have suggested I find a play group of some sort and I've looked at many options online. I haven't felt a pull towards any one group and as usual, trusted my gut with Cedar so much that I knew something would come along that felt right for us.

I love how beautifully this came into our day. That is how so many things in my life have worked. Just sort of putting that wish out to the Universe and serendipity surprises me with something so suited for my soul. I felt that this was so suited for Cedar's soul and felt grateful that being patient and trusting this process blessed him in this way.

The teacher has more classes at her own studio around the corner. So we are investing in a 6 week music/dance class for him, where a lot more kids will be there. I think this is a beautiful way to introduce him to socializing with others, in a place where he thrives and feels safe to be himself.

I wanted to share images I captured of the hour...

Walking to the boutique:

He's feeling a little freaked out and uncertain:

"Head and shoulders, knees and toes!" He knows this song, so he is feeling some familiarity:

He gets out of daddy's lap and decides he wants to pretend he is painting on the wall:

Okay, warming up to the idea:

Playing with shakers. He kept handing them to everyone.

Introduction to ribbon dancing! He was listening intently:

Wanting to share his ribbons:

This is when he let loose. Twirling, waving..woohoooo!!

Class done. He let out an "OMG, THAT ROCKED" yelp:

Walking back to our car. Resting on daddy.

Driving home. Leading to the best. nap. ever.

Then end of a day I will always cherish. The day when I felt a world open up for my son.

sacred spillings.

my view from the kitchen this morning

This week I have really felt the vibrational pull of the full moon. Feeling very introspective and sensitive to feelings of others and my own. Cedar too is quite tender. We went I believe a whole month without the emotional and physical upheaval of teething. It seems to have returned with a vengeance and with it, behaviors like throwing food, slapping mama and throwing his bottle across the room. Because I too am in a tender place with my cycle and the moon approaching, it has taken so much inside of me to take deep breaths and be compassionate about the source of his frustration and not take it personally. Boho Boy is so much better at it than I am but that could be from over 10 years of experience he had teaching elementary school. I feel like teachers should have tattoos on their forearms to remind them of the second out of Toltec wisdom's Four Agreements: Don't Take Anything Personally.

The myriad of emotions I have in regards to Cedar in a manner of just a few minutes blows me away. How I can love him so much I could cry and then need space from him and then want to hold him close and then feel hurt if he acts out at me and then laugh at his funny ways...and that was just 10 minutes. Its overwhelming and has taught me so much about myself. It has helped me slow down. It has reminded me to stay present. It has required me to tap into the deepest parts of my sacred feminine for wisdom that was not realized until now.

So much of that wisdom tells me to be gentle on myself. To be gentle and empathize with other mothers, fathers, caretakers from all types of journeys. To have compassion.

I was spilling with a dear friend of mine about some tender spaces of my journey as a mama. One of them being how even though I felt confident about some choices I made for Cedar, I felt judged at times by other mothers. Mostly strangers that would see me at a park or in the aisles of a whole food grocery store. Whether it be me feeding Cedar with a bottle or placing formula in my grocery cart or organic jarred baby food, at times other crunchy mamas would give me a disapproving look. As Cedar would be gleefully sitting in the cart (because from day one, he hated to be confined in a carrier of any kind and needed to be FREE), a mama carrying her babe tight to her chest would give me two glances and looked concerned. One women shook her head when she saw me place Earth's Best pureed food in a jar into my cart...and when at Target placing formula into my cart, a mama actually told me she was surprised I was feeding my baby formula. Do I really need to go into my story that he was adopted and I didn't have enough time to get my milk going with herbs? Or that even if I did, I had a deep fear that the herbs wouldn't work (since it didn't work for me with fertility) and the last thing I wanted to be doing was putting energy into feeling like a failure rather than feeding my son in peace and filling his belly up in a way that felt right for us? That he had GERD and needed a special type of formula to soothe his burning throat and gut? Did I need to gently pull that woman aside at Whole Foods and share with her how many times I paid hundreds of dollars on organic yummy veggies and fruit to puree it myself and for some reason that I couldn't figure out, my son would refuse to eat it and only wanted jarred food?

No...I didn't need to explain all these things to them and thankfully when these things would happen, I was in a centered space and felt deeply connected to my own story. I have always listened to my gut about Cedar and went with his flow and he is thriving and happy and well and for this, I am so blessed. So blessed that for the most part, I haven't felt a need to justify any of this.

We all go into a journey with expectations. When I married my husband, I wanted to be fully pregnant with his child. I wanted to birth my baby in a tub, leaning on his bare harry chest, guided by a doula or midwife and screaming out to God and my tribe from around the world to get me through the surges. I wanted to pull my child from between my legs and onto my chest and be wrapped up in my husbands arms. I wanted many things but those things evolved and changed and something wildly different ended up happening.

Cedar found us in another way. I caressed the belly of another goddess to speak to my child. I watched him come out between her legs and be whisked away by doctors with gloves into another room to help him breathe and take out the liquid in his lungs. I held him for the first time fully clothed and just a few hours past me arriving at an airport. But it was beautiful and the connection I felt as his mother was instant and later that night as we lay with him in a hospital bed, and my husband told me I've never been more beautiful...I realized our story was perfect for us. I was exactly where I wanted to be. My expectations fell by the wayside and I felt fully present with what was.

I just wish in a sea of mothers that hold so many expectations on themselves and others, that we could embrace one another's journeys. That breast feeding mamas, could comfortably sit near bottle feeding mamas and not feel awkward or disappointed in the other.

My friend Brooke said something to me that has lingered deep for a few days now.  She is an urban-earth mama that I deeply respect and learn so much from...

 Feeling held to standards and rules, that takes the heart and soul out of parenting.  It makes us, as mothers, guilty and it disconnects us from listening to our children as individuals.  It prevents us from showing up to the moment and doing what needs to be done given the circumstances we face.  It denies us the gift of being alive to every breath and listening to our hearts.  The rules become the goal rather than the true goal - in this case, a thriving, nourished healthful child.

These camps and rules and parenting identities - from homebirth to breastfeeding to attachment parenting - it sets up wars and builds walls between us. They are labels and ideals tearing us apart. It makes me so sad that good intentions are actually victimizing us and keeping us isolated from one another.

I really connect to this and with her permission, I wanted to share this with you.  Whether you are a parent or not, I know so many of you are nodding. This can apply to so many things in our life, really. I am putting a plea out to the Universe, to gather gentle, open minded souls to continue creating change, gentle change with these tender parts of our journeys. Journeys of all types...not just mother/parenthood.

two things that are really fun...

Cedar learning how to run FAST like the wind, accompanied by joy soaked giggling!

A few of my photographs published in the Summer edition of Boho Magazine! Go grab a copy. So many delicious articles, gift ideas and eco-yumminess. I heart Gina, the editor. She created such a dreamy mag emulating her desire to live authentically and environmentally.

So totally fun (and rad).

xo

from Boho Boy in honor of Father's Day.

me & cedar swinging at a park, taken by my wife

Before I met my wife I was a ‘Fixer” You know.. the guy who loved to fix everyone's problems except their own. Was so easy that way. Mr. Helpful… don’t worry about me… I’m fine. After the umpteenth failed relationship, I figured it was time for some soul searching. So I went on a quest of self discovery and improvement.

I went to counseling and had to do the hardest thing I ever did: turn that magnifying glass on myself. It was painful. But the good kind of painful. Those of you that have done “the work”, know what I am talking about.

One day in my best friend's kitchen in Santa Barbara a door opened and out walked my wife. I knew it the second I saw her. A calm soft voice whispered to me, “There she is”, and that’s what I said out loud.

The urges to ‘Fix” and help all came rushing back in our first few conversations. The White Knight on his gallant steed. But she reminded me: “I don’t want you to fix anything... just hear me”… and I was stopped dead in my tracks. I didn’t want the old patterns to ruin this one. I took a deep breath and let go. All I had to do was love her, with no expectations. It’s so much easier that way.

And now I get to do the same for my incredible son.

Happy Fathers Day.

Love,
Boho Boy

me & cedar this weekend at a bookstore, taken by my wife

my father*

photos from my wedding in 2004, by robin nations

I've been waiting for a special time to talk about my father...just him. Today I've walked around my house and it seems my every thought is about him. Times we shared together. Things we feel and have said to one another or haven't said but wanted to. I am writing this with a lump in my throat and warm tears forming. I think these tears carry so much. My love for him is deep and wide and I wonder if he truly knows this. I think he does.

He was never a man of many words. Growing up, he was mostly a man of funny sounds or jokes to make his three girls laugh. I am not sure if he knew quite what to do with the overwhelming amount of estrogen in our home. He just made it fun, I suppose. He never made us feel he wanted a boy. He was happy and proud of his girls. I just think when we all sat around gabbing and giggling, he was secure enough to sit there quietly and drink us all in. He never felt he needed to be the life of our party or compete with our energies. He quietly let us shine with an enormous smile underneath his brown high cheek bones.

When my father did speak, we listened intently. We soaked it in like water to a sponge. His words were few but selectively wise and clear if we needed advice. I think I inherited this from him. I remember once my boss explaining to a sea of corporate dudes during a meeting when I was asked my opinion..."Denise doesn't say much but when she does, we need to listen." I am proud to carry that gift he gave to me.

There are many memories I have of him that are dear to my heart. I will share a few that I hope give you a wee glimpse into the man that he is.

There was a time when my father would go on nightly walks around our neighborhood and I would join him. Sometimes we each would have our earphones in with different music. Sometimes we would walk in silence because we didn't feel the need to fill the space with words. Sometimes we would chatter about everything and nothing. But he always made sure he walked closest to the street on the sidewalk. I never really thought much of why he wanted to do this until I finally asked after walking with him for weeks. He said; "Because if a car were to hit us, they would hit me first." I remember quietly taking this in, watching my feet on the pavement and holding back tears. I felt so safe with him.

Every summer we would camp as a family at San Mateo Memorial Park. Being surrounded by tall redwood trees and the smell of camp fire was my father's bliss (and mine too). Many times we would go on a hike alone. It was something I looked forward to every year...the adventures we'd go on together in the woods. One time, he slipped and fell quite a few feet down a cliff. I screamed for him and panicked and while he was the one scraped and bruised and trying to climb up to safety, it was him who tried to calm me. I grabbed his hand and lifted him up with all of my might. I remember a flash of what it would be like to lose him. I hugged him tight and we moved forward, perhaps him not wanting to disappoint me by turning back. It is that hike that lingers clear in my mind the most. The hike that made me realize he may not always be here and to not take any of those moments for granted.

Then there was the time I moved to Texas to be near my best friend and explore living in a place so totally different than what I was used to. He wasn't keen on my going because he wanted me near but he supported me. So much so that he offered to drive me there. It was an amazing road trip: California to Texas...him and me, windows down, hot wind blowing through the truck, a mixed tape I had made. Little did I know that hotel after hotel, he would wait until I was sleeping to keep a journal. He kept every receipt (gas, food, snacks, gifts) and taped them in the journal and wrote what we did that day. He also explored his feelings about losing me to this massive State of Texas but it was one thing he wrote that will stay with me forever: "We had been driving too long without stopping and I grew tired. You were sleeping and my eyes were heavy and trying hard to stay awake. The next thing I knew I was swerving to the next lane when my eyes opened and my heart raced. I was determined to stay awake and take care of my precious cargo." He gave this journal to me when he said goodbye before driving back to California by himself. It made me weep. Both the idea of him being alone on the drive and that he would make such a beautiful journal for me while I slept.

Oh daddy...there are so many deeper sides of you that people do not see. But I always have. I have felt connected to you in this way as long as I can remember. Even in my toddler years when I stood up on a chair and you let me play with your thick black curls on your head. I knew you then. You've been intimidating to some, a mystery to others and a bright smile and goofy spirit that lights up a room...but to me, you are all of those things and so much more. I see you.

I am so proud to be your daughter (and look like you) and I hope to carry the gifts you have given me to my child, the way you did for me.

I will always let you call me Booch. ; )

Happy Father's Day.

p.s. my sister Darlene's tribute to our father here.

reconnecting.

cedar drumming on blue, almost 19 months

My niece left yesterday. The house feels quiet. Having her here was dreamy. We spilled for hours from the deepest parts of ourselves. Cedar was so totally crushed out. I think one of the most dreamy moments was her and I cuddling on the couch watching So You Think You Can Dance and her running her fingers through my dreads, down my neck and gently scratching my back while my head was on a pillow, resting on her lap. I don't remember the last time this was done for me. Boho Boy is a wonderful cuddler but not really a back scratcher. Neither am I but Angela inspired me to do this for those I love. She shared with me that she does this with her girlfriends and her boyfriend. She has such a giving heart. It felt intimate and soft and I melted into her while she did it for a full hour. This was my favorite moment. We ate delicious vegan meals and shared recipes. I feel so full of excitement for her adventure in Thailand approaching and so giddy that she found a life partner to share these experiences with.

angela & cedar, taken with phone

This morning I met with an old friend I worked with at the Gap in Northern California. Did you guys know I worked there? Yes. For five years. Both the Gap and Banana Republic. Boho Trivia! Her name is Jen and she was the visual coordinator there. I always admired her for her artsy ways and her wit and beauty. We also shared a passion for Deaf culture and sign language and went to school for this together. The best part of this relationship was that we were friends for a year before we discovered we were related. Her Aunt walked into the Gap while we were both greeters but she was not only her aunt, she was my sister's grandmother thru her marriage. It was awesome.

Today we snuggled under an umbrella outside of Java Mama with her preteen boys and Cedar. He is in a tender space right now while he is teething again but they were so gentle and determined to befriend Cedar. Within an hour, they were all on the ground, helping Cedar draw on a magazine.

tender bean today at the java mama playground outside

Oh, speaking of...new passion of his. Cedar drawing. He wants to do it all day long. With crayons or pens. He actually stays on the paper and is so precise. Jen was blown away.

Anyways, so neat to connect with an old friend and be reminded that she witnessed the first time I ever got sick from alcohol when the Gappers took me out for my 21st birthday. I was a good little Christian girl that didn't party. They were determined to get me drunk. It worked.

Now she sits across from me years later, as a glowy, soft, warm and gentle mother-spirit that is beginning a journey eating Vegan. I marvel at how life and friendships ebb and flow and journey off and come back again to find even though I have evolved into a completely different spirit, so has she and we connected on another level.

Have a weekend full of sweet, breezy moments of breathing deep and letting it flow and reconnecting with a sweet part of your past.

jen, her boys & cedar at java mama

thailand bound*

angela {my big sis darlene's daughter}, canon 50d

My niece will be here in a few hours. She'll be sinking into the Boho home for a week before she ventures off to Thailand with her lovely boyfriend. She's going there to get me some pretty things explore and connect and deepen and bond with her man and her surroundings.

I am excited to send her off with a full belly and a light heart. She too is a foodie and is on a conscious journey of her mind, body, soul. I admire her commitment to Bikram Yoga, which she has done 3 - 4 times a week for a few years now. She rocks my world!

We look forward to playing in the kitchen together. I love that she shares my passion for whole, healthy and YUMMY food. We are so not about depriving ourselves of food tasting so good that our taste buds explode.

Most of her life, Angela has been told "you look so much like your aunt Denise"..."you ARE so much like your aunt", la la la...and part of me felt so darn proud of that (because ummmm...she's WAY more beautiful and cool) but another part of me wanted her to find her own spirit and way of being. To not feel like she is growing up in my shadow. I write this with tears so in awe of who she has become. She is indeed her OWN person, leaving the valley, setting up camp in San Francisco and dancing to the beat of her own drum. We are still kindreds and share many interests and have similar mannerisms but we are different people, blossoming from different experiences, learning from one another, walking side by side. No shadows. Just light.

Since I became her aunt when I was 12 years old, we pretty much have grown up together...and I consider her a dear friend in my circle of goddess sisters that help me evolve deeper into the woman I want to be.

All of my nieces and nephews are yummy and teach me. Blessed, I am.

{angela & her boyfriend at a wedding...isn't he fab?}

art together.

I woke up not feeling as sprite as I have been. Something to do with pollen flying around in the air and freshly mowed grass and me being highly allergic to both.

But this, oh man...THIS time together with Cedar making free flowing scribbles...made it all so much better (with The Wailin' Jenny's to keep us company).

What are you up to this weekend?

earth dance goddess.

I just discovered this video through a few friends on Facebook. It inspired me so much, I needed to share it with all the goddesses that come here.

Ohhh...how beautifully fantastically gorgeous, hot, earthy and soulful is she? She moves like butter with that round god circling her body. I want to move freely like this again. I want the walls to come down and to feel my spirit roar like this...with the rhythm, with the Mother, with the sun and the moon and the sky and all that breathe life.

Watching her reminds me of a class I once took while living in Berkeley...being circled by like minded men and women and me in the middle, letting it all unravel beautifully in body.

Mmmm mmm. Thank you earth dance sister, for reminding me and showing me the way.

from a whisper to a shout.

I took this photo today. Boho Boy and I were laughing at Cedar's supermodel lip pout. I just had to share it. I think I need to wear brighter colors. My sister liked this green on me...and when I wore a bright turquoise shirt once she said I looked 10 years younger. I have always gravitated towards muted colors. Earthy. Every once in awhile I'll put on a shirt like I did in this photo and I do notice it brightens up my world a bit. Just something I was thinking about today.

While at Java Mama Cafe today, a song came on and Cedar stood up with the truck he was playing with in the play area and did three twirls. The parents looking out at the play area from the bar looked at me and laughed. It was awesome. And then three parents came up to me and said "your daughter is so cute."

Boys twirl too. ; )

So we are toying, flirting, playfully talking about the idea of living life on the road for a year before we move to Bellingham. Getting an RV and tricking it out Boho Style. Giving Cedar the whole country for his playground. We're doing some research. Chatting with a few friends/bloggers that are currently living life on the road. Each of us have a practical side. I'm a Virgo. He's a Cancer. Well...that says it all. But we also have a gypsy side and truly wonder if this is the only time we can really do something like this. Drive from yummy place to yummy place, visiting family and friends, setting up camp and exploring as we both work our online jobs (I swear my ecourse is going to come to fruition...I swear).

More on the idea of us having wheels for a home soon...if it blossoms from a whisper to a shout.