happy mama's day*

Oh how I adore this image of my marmie and me.  My beautiful French Canadian mama.

Today I am going to share one of my most precious memories of her growing up. Every Spring, I would come in from outside with swollen itchy eyes because I was terribly allergic to pollen.  She would lay my head in her lap and put a damp cold cloth on my eyes and then gently rub my cheeks and my forehead to soothe my sinuses.  She would do this whenever I needed and for a very long time until the ache went away.  I loved those moments with her so so much and I think about them often, especially during Spring when I come in from outside with puffy eyes.  Just her and I laying there in quiet and feeling her soft fingers go round in gentle circles, smelling her musty lotion, hearing the rhythm of her breath. Oh how very safe I felt.  Safe and loved.

What is  one of the most precious memories you hold close of your mother?

an intimate hush*

I can't stop lingering at this image of my friend.  Its is from a video she sent me this morning through text.  I took a screen capture and sent it to her and wrote "look at you...".  I wanted her to see the peace in her breath, in this moment when she paused, closed her eyes, inhaled slowly, exhaled slowly and allowed a tender hush between her and my witness of her.

I loved so much this gift and the mirror this holy wholly moment was for me, that I asked her if she felt comfortable with me sharing it here with all of you.  This was her response...

"Yes. Use it because it is intimate and there is no reason to avoid the intimate giving.  All that matters is intimate.  And all that matters makes us free".

I am ever so grateful for the gentle souls that are surrounding me and my boys these days.  For my friends and family members that understand how difficult it is for me to talk on the phone, not only because of Cedar's sensitivity to frequencies and how they make him melt down but also my own sensitivity of balancing being on the phone with noise around me and how it hurts my head too and its hard to be present.  They know it won't always be like this as we work with Cedar through therapy but even if it was, I feel their acceptance, unconditional love and embracing of our needs.  I love the videos and texts, emails and voice memos from my loves that are sent my way...to stay connected and close, without expectation.  I love the patience with needing to set up phone dates when I am alone, parked in front of the sea or even the grocery store...just me and them, without distraction.  Just writing this brings me to tears because of the love and honoring this brings into our life.

And then there are moments like this and this image of Janae (above) and how sometimes when words are not enough and its hard to not be close in the physical, that even through a video, she can allow herself pause and gaze, slow breath and connection to the love that we feel for each other.  And the fact that its enough for her?  Well, that feels so safe and free and is a gentle guide towards opening myself up and trusting deeper.

Sponsor Guest Post & GIVEaway*

guest post by sas petherick

Can you imagine how freeing it would be, to feel completely at home in your body?

What could you do, and who would you be, if you fell passionately in love with yourself: yourbody and your life? It is my humble and considered view that you would beun-freakin-stoppable!

I want you to know that you can have a conscious, trusting, peaceful relationship with your body.

My life's mission has been to love all of myself: to be enough for me. I want this for you too. And so I'm combining a coaching toolbox the size of Texas and my own favourite practices, in an online course called emBODYment - for any woman who wants Body Peace.

We'll explore the big dreams you have for yourself, you'll learn how to choose your thoughts,how to tune into your body’s wisdom, feel your feelings, create more joy in your life and live on purpose.

Everyone will get a gorgeous coaching journal packed full of exercises and ideas. Plus there is group coaching, meditation, and a supportive community all available in our private website.

Here's a little morsel of the Coaching Journal, just for you.

Using the tools I am sharing in emBODYment, I have been able to lose 65 pounds. But so much more than this, I am creating a life that fulfils me more than I ever thought possible. I feel more ‘me’ than I ever have.

emBODYment will start on the 20th of May - it's going to be six weeks of awesome.

Hope to see you in class :)

There are fifty places available - enrollment is open!

Big love, Sas Petherick is a writer and coach: a Life Transformer for people who want an Amplified Life full of woo hoo! moments. She spent almost twenty years helping thousands of people navigate change in their place of work, before a combination of loss and grief prompted her own transformation path. A CTI trained Co-active Coach, Sas is currently training with Martha Beck’s Life Coaching Programme.

 As well as emBODYment, Sas is coaching one-on-one and will be co-hosting Redfox Retreats in October 2013 with Susannah Conway and Meghan Genge. You can find out more at www.saspetherick.com and on the twits @saspetherick

GIVEaway rules:

• :: Three chances to enter ::
• To enter for a spot in Sas's course, please leave a comment
• If you Tweet about it, leave a second comment that you've tweeted
• If you Facebook about it, leave a third comment that you've FB'd
• Comments will remain open until 10pm PST Sunday, May 5th
• Winner will be announced Monday, May 6th
• COMMENTS CLOSED
Winner is Hollie from In a little green house! Congrats! We will contact you shortly. ; )

let the quiet...

"...let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be." ~ Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

A dear friend sent this quote to me yesterday. Its as if reading it gave me permission to be okay with my quiet. Most days I have a lot to say, a lot to share but most times words do not adequately express. So I'm embracing the quiet of my days. The need for less words. The welcoming of gazes and sighs, of touch and holding, of lingering and breath.

In our culture, we are so accustom to needing to fill spaces with words. I know in my life, mostly in my writings, I fill fill fill...so many words and yet when in the flesh, I am drawn to quiet. I am drawn to sitting back and soaking in the feeling of the moment, the essence.

When I feel utterly safe with someone, they experience my comfort with quiet. I have surrounded myself with souls I feel safe with the last few years and there is much more quiet and pause in my life and in theirs.

So here is a gaze for you...the utter peace and light I felt in this moment as I captured this image of myself. I needn't share all the reasons I arrived at this place of peace. Can you just see it in me? Sigh. Yes.

What does quiet feel like for you?

a pure way*

A lot of you precious souls write to me asking how Cedar is doing since I wrote months ago about us receiving a possible diagnosis and our journey within the label/non label-ness of it all. We are so grateful for the love and care from those that have been following our journey as a family. The timing of your love notes is always so divine on those extra energy giving days for us. So many have also reached out because of being on a similar journey. A confirmation how healing being witnessed and understood can be.

This past year we've really cocooned with support from family, very patient close friends, his Naturopath and Occupational Therapist. This experience has been such a delicate and beautiful dance of listening to our hearts and our own intuition as parents, listening to Cedar, honoring wisdom from those that have gone before us and yet also surrendering to the not knowing (or needing to know) and finding what feels like home to us through it all.

We were told in the very beginning that a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome was really early to tell and to stay open as he progresses through therapy and lifestyle changes. As we read through our stacks of books on Asperger's, there were some elements Cedar shared but so many he didn't. We were fully aware through this process that not any one child fits in any box. Of course this felt so deeply true for us always even before all of this came to surface. So we remained open through our research. After months of therapy and evaluation, we have found that what we are navigating through is Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). This diagnosis and the wisdom that has come pouring forth from books and therapy and blogs has been such a blessing for us and for him.

I am, we are indeed one of those open, earthy families that believe in Crystal, Rainbow, Sun, Moon Starchild as a way of seeing his spirit and soul but we also surrender to and honor all wisdom that comes our way and it seems in this case, Western's view on SPD has enlightened us on how to help him and he's thriving. It helps my family have more compassion and understanding. It will help his teachers know better his special needs. I can only be grateful for this and its another life lesson in letting go of resistance to a label, letting go of judgment from others and surrendering to what my child needs.

As I shared with vulnerability before, we know in our hearts that Cedar is not defined by any one label or diagnosis. He is our Cedar...wholly and fully unique. He's tender and highly sensitive (like his mama). He hears things we cannot hear (frequencies, wires in walls, etc) and he needs deep pressure/impact to feel things physically. He needs to be reminded that he's hungry, hot, cold or has to go to the bathroom. He needs forewarning if a loud noise is coming (vacuum, blender, dishwasher) so he can prepare for what it does to his body. He struggles when more than one person is talking in a room, so he self soothes by making noises (hums, clicks or talks loud) to diffuse the sound in his head. If he is not in a centered space, there is a lot of melting down or inability to calm his mind and body. We try our best to honor these needs and not expose him to environments that are uncomfortable for him. We are also learning to be more brave by helping him (and us) practice self awareness in challenging situations where before we just avoided them all together for peace.

Unpredictability is what causes a lot of anxiety for him and to make things predictable, he often tries to control his environment and his imagination is what feels safe to him. He will approach people and say he is another creature and they are another creature and all of a sudden, he is taking them on an adventure. He doesn't have normal conversations. ; ) He has a wild imagination and those that go along with him and enter into his beautiful world of creatures and magic, not only gain his trust and love but they leave his presence so filled up with other-worldliness. My marmie calls him "the storyteller"...and that he can do (all. day. long.).

What our son is, is deeply connected. Deeply sensitive. Deeply intuitive. This is how we see him...and really, he is such a mirror for us. We too have so many of these needs, his daddy and me. We have learned through this process to honor these needs in each of us.

My husband is so amazing when it comes to information. He's constantly doing research on how to heal the body from within, especially for children with sensitivities like our Cedar and those on the spectrum. For our own journey through fertility and other things, healing has always been about what we put into our bodies and how it affects our mind, body and spirit. After months of trying so many different diets for Cedar, we have discovered what are triggers for his sensory needs and what nourishes him and helps his body to regulate his senses.

Below I will share what we've learned in order to offer some nuggets of help to those that are on a similar path but also to keep those informed that care for our family deeply of where we are today. I realize what works for one child, may not for another. Its all part of exploring our uniqueness!

Here's our daily gig of healing:

• Occupational therapy once a week. Every other week he joins another boy in the therapy room so they can learn together how to move through social anxieties and fears in a warm, loving, gentle environment. Playing with children can feel so unpredictable to Cedar and what feels safe and predictable is to control his environment by controlling play.  This has made it an emotional experience to connect with other children. This therapy sharing has really helped him be open to other children's needs and ideas. Its helped him be more brave and open in social situations.
• Gluten Free/Grain Free diet. If he does do grains, only brown rice and quinoa feel good in his body but not in excess...just bits at a time.
• No peanuts
• No bananas
• No dairy with the exception of goats cheese/milk
• No safflower or sunflower oil
• No sunflower seeds
• Cashew nut butter only (he has a reaction from almond, peanut and sunflower butters)
• High doses of Omega 3 oils (five of these & two of these, both in the morning and late afternoon).
• Probiotics (one in morning, one in afternoon) are crucial because we notice that if he is able to digest what goes into his body well, then energy will go towards what he needs for his sensory system rather than energy being used up for his digestion.
• Vitamin D3 (one tablet daily in morning)
• We cook for him with walnut and grapeseed oil. After watching the film Lorenzo's Oil (true story), my husband did research and discovered the miracle piece to the oil came from walnuts. When we started using these oils for him, we noticed a shift immediately. We start his day with breakfast sauteed heavy in walnut oil (scrambled fresh eggs from our neighbor, organic sausage, potatoes) with some coconut milk yogurt and a wee bit of berries. He needs to start his day with a breakfast mostly of protein with plenty of those oils and that sets him up for a day feeling better in his body.
• He eats nothing processed, no artificial colors, artificial flavors and no sugars. The only sweetener he can tolerate is honey.
• Body movement. Cedar's occupational therapist describes his sensory needs as a "sensory bank account". The more you deposit into his account, the better his sensory system can regulate itself. The more that is taken out, the more depleted an unable to regulate he becomes. The best way to fill his account up is with body movement, body impact (deep hugs, deep pressure placed on body, pillow sandwich, running, climbing, pulling, jumping, stretching).
• Music therapy
• We often create dark spaces for him to go to (tents, forts, huge boxes with pillows and blankets inside where he places battery operated candles for low light). This helps him when he is overstimulated and overwhelmed. He'll read a book or watch a film or play an educational game in these dark spaces until he's ready to surface.
• Nurturing ourselves: All of this requires a lot of energy and taking time to ourselves (romantic dates, coffee shops, me working on an ecourse, my husband getting massages for his carpel tunnel) helps us be more present for Cedar when we are with him.
• Nature, nature, nature...is his most healing place.  There he can connect in a way where there is no pressure to connect.  Trees, earth, stones, sand and water just get him.

How we communicate these changes we've made in our life to Cedar is that we are trying to "help his body feel good".  What we've seen in him as we've poured our energy into this journey is that he is so much more in tune with his body.  He is beginning to communicate in words what feels like too much or what he needs.  He will tell his babysitter "my body doesn't feel good when I eat those" or he will ask if he can leave the room when there are too many people.  He will tell us he needs to be held tightly or he will tell us he doesn't want to be touched. He is not always able to use his words but many times he does and this is so precious to us.

After spending time communicating with Cedar in a very other worldly way, his Naturopath shared with us that he believes Cedar is a sentient being and these beings that are sent to earth with a message are very sensitive to anything that isn't pure.

Truly, that is what brought it all together for me. That simple message of purity. Pure...oh how I love that word and really, its been such a guide for us: Pure, simple, clean, clear, whole, organic. Aren't all of our bodies in need of this, especially when we are in a sensitive space?

Om.

In this moment. Breath. Light. Spirit. (Be)ing.

Sometimes. Most times, this is all we need to do.

{aubrey from utah...this is for you}

blossoming in our gables*

The sun is beginning to break through our gray skies. Sometimes even for a whole day and the blossoms crave it wildly. They stretch their pedals wider and faster than I have ever seen. Growing up a California girl (living in both Northern and Southern), the Sun was always out to play but here in the Pacific Northwest, its so precious and flora grows at a speed that is so foreign to me. One day there will be a fully green bush, the next day it will be covered in blossoms. Its awe inspiring to witness.

Flowers are making their way into my home by way of sweet children these days. The neighborhood girls had a flower stand the other day with fresh cut branches and flowers around their home placed in vases to sell on a table in front of their house. It was the sweetest sight and two of them came to my door with a bouquet that Boho Boy had bought for me. Cedar has learned his daddy's romantic ways. Most every time he goes outside to play he runs inside "Mommy, this is for you..." with a handful of cherry blossoms scrunched in his palm or dandelions and sometimes rocks, leaves and rose pedals. When he goes down to our bay, he fills his pockets with shells and sea glass and feathers. We have a woven tray to keep his treasures (photo above) and I've been inspired to create beauty in our home from them.

My boys and I are blossoming in this home and for quite some time I've not allowed myself to believe that these yellow gables and lush land could be ours. My twenties and thirties were full of so much uprooting that I didn't even consciously realize how used to being unattached to people and things I became. I knew I'd be leaving soon or at least I felt so much a gypsy that if leaving wasn't in the plans I knew it would be. I giggle as I write this because it makes me think of the film Chocolat. I resonate with Vianne in many ways. I think this is why online connections felt safer for me. For many reasons but one important one being I could stay connected regardless where I lived. I have lived here in Bellingham for almost two years and I am just now it seems allowing myself to sink in some roots. We just recently made a decision that we would love to purchase this home and because both my husband and I are gypsies, it took us almost losing it to come to that decision. We didn't consciously realize we were not fully rooting until the possibility to root ourselves was swept under are feet.

I was standing out front of our house in the middle of the street last night with some neighbors who are becoming quite close friends of ours. We were out there, huddled close with our children getting soaked by the rain (unexpectedly) and my heart felt so full. I hadn't realized I was keeping my friend at arms length. She lives next door and is a dream and yet I was afraid to get too close. She's been very patient with my heart.

beautiful charity and us following our children on a forest path up the street

Now that we are staying, I feel all of this release...in so many ways, this openness and yearning to give of myself (and receive) to that which surrounds me, both in and around my home and with those souls that dwell here. None of this even felt conscious until we decided to root ourselves in this home. Its almost as if a veil has lifted.

With our landlord living next door, I haven't felt the freedom to make this land my own and have not done much to it yet. But now that we will purchase this home, we are so inspired with ideas. I haven't gardened much (aside from planting lavender in the ground last year at the blue house). Up until now I have only planted in pots. I have so much to learn! But our dream is to plant a veggie garden, herb garden and arbors with ivy and flowers growing up and around it. I am not one to be attracted to manicured pieces of land. I love the wild and overgrown yet a lot of tender care. Our landlord said for years she has wanted to impart her wisdom onto someone and I told her I am her gal.

If any of you are familiar with this climate and have wisdom to offer about gardening, I am all ears (and heart).

Mmmmm...h(OM)e sweet h(OMe). Is this really happening?

Easter brings newness to our boy*

us en route to vancouver. someone is a wee excited!

The eve of Good Friday, my boys and I were curled up by the fire and Cedar shared with us that he was ready to get his hair cut. I could hear the readiness in his voice. He has talked about it before only to be followed with a fierce "no!" once he realized a part of him would be gone. We've been gentle about it with him. We know that transitions of any kind are especially hard on his spirit. So many times he has referred to his curls as "pets" and made it clear often how much he cherished them. I intuited they offered him safeness (and sameness). Of course I cherished his locks too, as did anyone that spent time with him. Although they were now down to his bum and on their way to dreadlocks and constantly up in buns or ponies. So we understood that he was ready for soft and new, just like I was last year. So harmonious with our honoring the New Life that Easter brings.

We told him that we will revisit it again in the morning to see if it still feels right to him and if it did, we would make an appointment that day.

Morning came and he crawled into my bed. While we were snuggling, he looked in my eyes and whispered..."Hair cut. I'm ready." My heart both leapt and sunk at once. This was truly the day. The day to let go of those gorgeous untouched baby curls!

A few months ago we stumbled upon a really cool children's salon called The Hair Loft. Its sits on the top floor of the Kids Market on Granville Island in Vancouver, BC. Inside there are chairs in the shape of cars and trains as cartoon characters (Thomas the Train, Lightening McQueen, Dora the Explorer, etc) and there are televisions inside the walls playing animated films or shows. I called them Saturday morning and they had an opening at 4pm! Off to Vancouver we went for the day...

I was so in awe of his bravery. Cedar is very particular about who he allows to touch him. He is very sensitive to peoples energies and of course to any kind of caress. Especially with his hair. I wondered if when the stylist started working her magic on his hair, if he would melt down and we would turn around and go home but quite the contrary, he was just so determined!

Out of all the cars available to sit in, he chose the one that wasn't a cartoon character at all but a beautiful vintage convertible. He's so my boy!! ; )

He asked the stylist if his daddy could brush his hair first. I was proud that rather than push her away or start screaming, he asked for what he needed. This has been a huge shift in our world for him and for us after a few months of occupational therapy and us working with him to take deep breaths and find his words so we know what he needs.

The stylist cut off his curls in one swoop, handed it to me and I put those locks in a special box I found at an antique store years ago near my parents home. My sister said she wanted me to save her a lock and I want one too.

I'm giggling as I am writing all of this about his hair but THAT is how much me and my family have cherished it and Cedar has too. Its just been such a huge part of him and that is why shedding it was such a good practice. For him, for us. It felt like a very similar emotional and spiritual process when I got my dreadlocks and then again when I cut them and combed them out. New life. New Beginnings...

So many mothers have shared with me that they have cried when their child got their first hair cut and watched their baby curls fall to the floor. And goodness I cry just about every day because I am such an emotional being. But I stood back and felt his bravery and stepped into it, for me, for him...and it became such a celebration!

The last few days we've been gazing at him. Our boy now truly looks so grown and he feels it too and dare I say its even brought on a bit of sass in his ways. ; )

He said he wanted to look like one of the guys from the band the Beatles (his favorite band) I think the stylist pulled it off with a bit of a modern twist.

Here he is the morning after on Easter. He woke up and immediately put on his boots and sweater to go fetch the eggs the Easter Bunny hid the night before. At the end of the egg trail was a basket full of gifts. We had painted the eggs with natural dye as soon as we got home from Vancouver. It was such a glorious morning...

vulnerability, ego and laughter*

The other day I laid on my bed laughing at myself with a friend. Laughter that came from my deepest places. Laughter that moved around the parts that felt stuck . I had just been extremely vulnerable with her and in my vulnerable, I knew I was taking a risk sharing these parts of myself that are achy and dark, hurty and insecure, uncertain and fumbly. My vulnerable was witnessed by her, fully witnessed and yet, I was still so very loved and seen, really seen, understood and even celebrated. In her witnessing, I somehow was able to fully witness myself. And in that moment, a sweet release of laughter came forth.

I've been so protective the last few years. In my cocoon, healing the raw...inviting few into my world. I needed to do this. It was not easy and quite foreign for me but somehow it felt good in my bones to be this protective of myself, of what surrounded me in the physical. I gave so much light for so long and it was time for me to surrender to the dark that was left and rest alone in it. The cozy womb of safety and ease, simple and hushed. Man, so much was revealed to me about myself while in this sacred womb. And now, is the laboring of birthing myself again...the core of me. I am surfacing gently, slowly...moving towards those spaces where I can be seen. I know its time...time for me to enter back into the uncomfortable bits of opening myself up again. It's freeing along side stilling along side extremely raw. Stilling in that I feel so much that was once in my life has moved on from me...up and out, beyond my grasp and that is when I realize, the grasping is what needed to cease and the surrender of Trust is what needs to be present for me.

My laughter, head down on my bed, rolling to my back, stopping, breathing and laughing again was me recognizing how much my ego was finding its way through what I was sharing with her and it is my ego that I have practiced letting go of the past few years. How quickly it returns when you're wanting so badly to fit back into a space you once were and prove to those around you that you are worthy enough to be there. But oh my dear heart...when I let go of my ego, I don't need to belong anywhere really but h(OM)e within myself. Exactly where I am and who I am in that moment.

You see...I am writing an e-course with a dear friend and we hope to launch it by this Summer and this...this has brought me so much life because I/we have lived so deeply in what we want to put out into the world. We are still in it and it feels huge to invite others into this for me. I've been so protective and quiet, so to be seen again in this way...its vulnerable and frightening and yet heart stirring and life bringing to walk into this unknown.

I'm different than I was. I'm truer to myself and those around me. I've been deeply humbled. And the best most yummiest part is that I laugh at myself more often. Whole heartedly belly laugh at myself.

The words of my friend...

She poured out her self, abandoned her ego, and laughed. Again and again, head down, healing poured through her, and light flowed. She knew herself, knew her Love, and spread it down the bed, across the mountains, and through the portal of sisterhood, into my lap.

Mmmmm...yes.

guest post & giveaway*

Shortly after I moved to Washington, I hired Stephanie as my holistic health coach and we had an immediate kindred connection. She has been such an amazing support to me in my life over the past few years, that I wanted to spread the love and support her latest yummy adventure and share it with all of you. I'm so excited to take this e-course!

************** Hello Lovelies!

I'm Stephanie, a certified holistic health and lifestyle coach and one half of the team Feathering the Nest, a new e-course I developed with the lovely Leah Kent of Skill It. Leah and I both have backgrounds in the arts as well as plenty of hours logged in the kitchen developing recipes for our clients. We were drawn together by our shared passion for making our homes into nuturing soul spaces. We think the things you choose to surround yourself with have a profound affect on your mind and body. We want your home to not only reflect the beauty inside of you, but nourish and give back to you, in a way that will transform how you move into each day.

Feathering the Nest will be an eclectic two week journey through your home, a sensual path to self discovery. We will be creating beautiful things for our homes with our own hands, getting cozy with really fun and intuitive writing exercises and cooking up some delicious recipes. You'll also receive beautiful printables to use over and over as you explore your nesting style. We are going beyond just aesthetics and finding our own unique path by tapping into feng shui, numerology and chakra wisdom. You'll gain entrance into a sacred online space to share your experience, pictures and inspirations with kindred souls.

Whether you space is large or small, rented or owned, we think you are going to love learning how to infuse each corner with your essence to create a sanctuary for you and all who inhabit it. To learn even more, visit us over here at the class site!

Today we are excited to announce that we are giving away a chance to win ONE seat in the class to one of you (a $59 value)!

There are three options to enter the GIVE-away:

• Leave a comment here on Denise's blog, telling us what room needs some loving in your house
• Tweet about the give-away using hash-tag #featheringthenest and come back here to tell us
• Post on Facebook about the giveaway and come back here to tell us

You may absolutely do more than one of these options for a second or third chance to win the seat. Winner will be chosen at random the evening of Thursday, March 28th. They will be sent an email with details immediately.

There is more! As a special thank you to each reader of Denise's poetry, we are honored to offer a 15% discount on the class. Please use the code: BOHOGIRL at checkout to receive your discount!!

Stephanie Perkinson

Instagram: StephPerkinson Twitter: StephPerkinson Facebook: Wellness by Design – with Stephanie Perkinson

Leah (Cherry) Kent

Twitter: Skillitchef Facebook: Skill It

{The winner is Bea...congrats! You will be contacted shortly}

touch*

I've been reveling in touch lately.

A few weeks ago my naturopath asked me to lay down and her hands made their way to my belly. I laid there with my eyes close surrendering to her touch, I felt our breath synchronize. The heat of her hand felt so so very good. So tender. I had no idea what her intentions were but that helped me practice trust and my intuition was telling me my body felt desperate for this caress. She cradled my thigh and applied gentle pressure onto the skin that protects my ovaries...my lower belly... and that is where the emotions surfaced for me. I know my reproductive organs and the muscles and skin that protect them hold so many memories, so much ache, so much need for validation that they are enough. Its almost as if I've been afraid to cradle them, afraid to go there just yet as I go about my life and what is in front of me. But what is inside of me there...there...is tender and needs my attention, my love, my grace...even after all these years. I've been a bit quiet with them.

Later my naturopath told me she was doing Craniosacral therapy. I nodded and took a deep breath, told her it felt good but wasn't ready in that moment to talk about what had just transpired. I got to my car, sat down in silence as the rain danced across the windows and the tears spilled. So much. So much emotion in those parts of my body. Endometriosis, cysts, (in)fertility...now that I allowed myself to pay attention to the emotion that rests beyond the physical pain, there was this tremendous release. I have known for quite some time subconsciously this needed to happen, this attention, this love...but honestly, I've been so afraid of it. Afraid of what would happen if I surrendered to it because it feels like it would be a flood that drowned me. And as I sat there in the car releasing what my naturopath had moved around, I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't as frightening as I had imagined. It was good. So good and dare I say even a bit freeing. As cliche as that sounds (and the cliche of it has kept me from believing that freedom could really happen for me), it is true. The days following I have felt a lightness I haven't felt in years. Something has loosened. Something has awakened.

I've been touching those parts more. Laying my hand there whenever I can. Sending affirmations. Touch. Healing touch. Now I feel more aware when Cedar brushes my hand with his or my husband cups my face in the darkness of night to kiss me goodnight. I feel more alive when touching and being touched.

To my ovaries, my uterus, my fallopian tubes...(laying my hands there) I love you...and you are perfect for me, so very perfect for me, so very enough.

I will leave you with a little prompt droplet to think about what part of your body needs your love and affirmations...

winner of Seahorse Dress*

a really yummy drive home

The winner is #128 ... Nina Gilbert from The Whole Self!

Its so very rare that someone I know personally is chosen by Random.org. My heart is full. I love you Nina Beana. Enjoy your magical-mermaid-seahorse-wonder-dress. xo

{{Grateful to those that entered...and don't forget that all of my readers get 20% off Hornytoad purchases and they now do international shipping!!}}

sponsor GIVEaway ~ Seahorse Dress*

Seahorse Dress

"Any mermaid would be happy to pack the Seahorse Dress in her conch shell. Made from a soft and silky jersey knit that doesn't mind getting wet and dries super easily, it's a natural for a day that includes having fun on both water and land. Details like an internal shelf bra, fetching Y-racerback and movement-loving a-line silhouette are a bridge between life lived outdoors and around town."

What makes me happiest about this GIVEaway is that this means Spring and Summer are so so close! This is a dreamy dress (the name alone is dreamy) by Hornytoad and the perfect accessory for sunny watery fun.

We bought a sweet retro speed boat some months ago and are so thrilled to take it out on our bay once we fix a few things. THIS is the dress I'm going to wear for its comfort, flow, support and ability to get wet!! Everything I own from Hornytoad is such good good quality that holds up in the wash, is practical and beautiful and most of all COMFY.

This dress comes in three colors: Black, Lapis and Nectar (shown in images above).

{{Don't forget that all of my readers get 20% off Hornytoad orders with code: bohogirl}}

GIVEaway details:

• Gifting one lovely Seahorse Dress (any color and size)
• To enter, please leave a comment (one word or many)
• One comment per person, please
• Winner will be chosen at Random
• Comments will be closed Friday, March 15th
• Winner will be announced that same day

*Hornytoad now ships internationally!!

weekend soul-message*

rock made by mccabe russell

Its a constant practice knowing this deep. This weekend it will be my mantra.

I am enough. You are enough.

Have a blessed weekend.

my sweet & funny boys*

I simply adore this capture of my sweet boys. It was morning and the sun was coming through the window. Cedar put the song "All Together Now" by the Beatles on the iPad and asked Boho Boy to dance with him. This is a regular occurrence but I rarely get a chance to capture it because I join in.

I love their connection. They share a similar sense of humor and it makes for a house full of a lot of laughter. My husband is that person that uses his wit and humor to ease tense situations and I am beginning to see Cedar doing that as well.

For example:  Its not easy to get Cedar out of the bathtub when he is so into his watery world. Boho Boy finds ways to creatively inspire Cedar's feet to step out of the tub. A few nights ago, Cedar was playing with the cow (below) in the water and named it "Cow-shark". So Carsten gently grabbed it and said "Cow-shark is going to get youuuuu!" and out hopped Cedar out of the tub and they ran around the house; Cow-shark chasing Cedar as a trail of wet drenched our hardwood floor. Whatever it took!  So later that evening, Boho Boy left us for a bit to ran some errands and decided to take a photo of Cow-shark wherever he went. Cedar could barely breathe he was laughing so hard when I showed him daddy's photos via text message.

Introducing, Cow-shark {taken by Boho Boy's phone}...

how they teach us*

a walk in my sister's almond orchard

In Blackwater Woods

"Look, the trees are turning their own bodies into pillars

of light, are giving off the rich fragrance of cinnamon and fulfillment,

the long tapers of cattails are bursting and floating away over the blue shoulders

of the ponds, and every pond, no matter what its name is, is

nameless now. Every year everything I have ever learned

in my lifetime leads back to this: the fires and the black river of loss whose other side

is salvation, whose meaning none of us will ever know. To live in this world

you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it

against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.”

~ Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems, Vol. 1

**************

Words from Mary that have reached deep inside my bones and offered my heart rest this week. This indeed has been a year of burning fires within and rivers of loss, only to find salvation, find my TRUTH on the other side. Its been a year of holding close to my bosom and clinging onto those last strings of hope and then, letting go of that which I love deeply but doesn't serve my heart. And yes every year of my life is filled with this but this past year seemed to be that of deeper layers of burning, raging, surrendering and flowing with it all. Perhaps because it wasn't just about me but also about my son, who I am so deeply connected to and being along side his own journey. It was about the growing pains of my husband and I learning to be his advocate by paying attention to, listening to, protecting and honoring his unique rhythm despite the selflessness this would require, despite the judgment of some that we trusted with our vulnerability.

Its been deeply humbling and empowering to find my own voice, for myself and as a mother. It didn't come simply for a people-pleaser like me. This past year I've had a greater awareness of how deeply I desire to be liked and loved and accepted by all that come into my life and when I am not, it causes self doubt. I've seen clearer how these parts of myself led me to putting others needs and ideas before mine or my family in a damaging and unhealthy way. I'm slowly breaking free from those peacemaker ways. I am still nurturing the pieces left by gently putting myself back together again, with tenderness and a gentle wildness, as I rise and stand firmer and firmer, taller and taller.

In all the books I've read about parenting a child with unique needs, one thing that is consistent is the importance of circling you and your child with those that trust, honor and respect your choices and desire the same for your child that you do. I am so deeply blessed that this journey with Cedar has attracted a gentle circle of supportive souls around us.

I know all parents travel this journey within their own unique stories. Our children inspire us to find our own voices, inspire us to trust our own intuition and to let go of that which doesn't bring peace into our lives. This is how they teach us.

Processed with Cameramatic app.

Processed with Cameramatic app.

sunbeams, blossoms and healing

i feel...

I feel... (Ik voel, ik voel, wat jij niet voelt...) from Elsbeth van Noppen on Vimeo.

A blog reader sent this to me because it made her think of Cedar. I am moved so deeply. I feel a kindredness with these children. I know many of you will too. No more words, just watch...you will see.

{Thank you, Ramona}

to let...to let...

self portrait

Three tree town.

Come in from the darkness on the edge of this three tree town. Because it's thicker than the woods out there, Settles harder than the cold winter ground.

Come in from the shadows of these boot black, marching clouds Because trouble falls like rain, And lately it's been pouring down.

I've seen loneliness. She wrapped me up with such tenderness. I've seen loneliness. She tied me down in her sweet caress.

Oh come in from the confines of your own mind my dear, Because worry is all you'll find there it's clear. And tomorrow will always come. And tomorrow may well bring the sun.

Yeah I've seen loneliness She wrapped me up with such tenderness. And I've seen happiness She came round here yesterday In a bright blue dress...

And we go..

~ Ben Howard

*********************

I'm snuggled up at a corner table here at my local coffee shop. I'm working on my ecourse. Yes, I just said that.  In a bit of a whisper but my heart is fluttery.  I feel a deep pulsing of life. I feel afraid. I feel drawn toward a light that won't leave me alone. I feel my bosom moving closer to my truth.

I just received a text from my girlfriend telling me that she's listening to the Ben Howard station on Pandora and has since I mentioned it on my blog a long while ago.  I felt inspired by her mention of this.  I needed something in this moment. Something outside of myself but deeply inside myself at the same time.  So I put my earphones on, plugged them into my laptop and too began to play the Ben Howard station on Pandora.  The song above is what came on.  I felt tears run down my cheeks.  Because the past few years I have seen loneliness too.  More than I ever have in my life.  But I've also met myself, listened to myself, my desires, my tenderness, my hurts more than I ever have in my life.  I offered myself forgiveness for all the mistakes I made in relationships. Healing has been slow...but good, so so good. Yes, Loneliness...she has wrapped me up with such tenderness and Happiness comes around more often and I no longer take her for granted.  Her in her bright blue dress (which I happen to be wearing a blue dress today).

I see doors opening and the space... its quieter there than before.  Not so much noise.  Sort of a peaceful lingering hush but an inner powerful that feels steady to me.  Maybe because the inter-weaving of humility is stronger than I was ever truly aware of.  Maybe in realizing I know nothing, I found true wisdom, true love, true light.  A closeness to God and Spirit that can only come when down on your knees or back, arms outstretched on the earth, totally vulnerable. Loneliness.  Wholeness.  Then, then...surrendering to the outstretched hand near me that is right there. Laying near me. Vulnerable with me. Utterly humble.  Its time.  Its time I allow trust...to let...to let...to whisper...I cannot do this alone.  Lets rise.  Lets walk.

happy love day & podcasts*

love comes with, taken with my iPhone

I woke a few hours earlier than usual this morning. I'm sitting at my blue picnic table that we brought inside for the winter. It fits in a womb of three windows surrounding me. My coffee is steaming up to my chin. Chickens are clucking a few feet away from me on the other side of the windows.  The upstairs so quiet, spaces filled with the breath of my boys in deep sleep.  I'm listening to a Marion Woodman podcast.

Just now she said...

"Life on this earth is a womb in which we are developing these sensibilities and sensitivities for the world that we are moving into, through the birth canal of death and those sensibilities that we have developed here that really don't seem to have any particular value on this side, on the other side, we will suddenly realize what they are about.  Just like a baby coming out of the womb, it hasn't needed its eyes and ears and senses in the womb but the minute its born, we understand why this development has been going on for nine months."

This brought me comfort this morning.  It gifted me an ease about those parts of my life that I cannot really make sense of in this moment, yet I know there is meaning and purpose I will one day understand fully.  It offers me the courage to not have to know, now, perhaps ever in this life.

**************

I feel like I am behind the times on many things these days, one of them being Podcasts.  I have yet to indulge in them until recently.  I haven't avoided them consciously.  I just have gone throughout my day forgetting that they are out there to gift me wisdom as I move throughout my day.

A dear friend of mine has been sending me a few that have been moving her deeply. I loved the idea of her going about her day, with a voice of wisdom filling up her home as she wets her hands cleaning dishes or plays on the floor with her son.  I am not sure why it has taken me until this moment to realize how convenient this is for my current lifestyle but I accept that the timing is as it needed to be. Not only can I be filled up with the words filling my home but Cedar or my husband too, even if not consciously.  Reading doesn't come easy to me these days, but this, this I can do.

So I wanted to ask you what some of your favorite Podcasts are.  The ones that shifted everything.  The ones that changed your lives and hearts and if inspired, share a bit about what you learned.

Oh, and...Happy Love Day.  ; )

a crystal mothering a crystal*

Sometimes his constant connection to Spirit, to other worldly, to what is around him, to what is *in* him and his need for me to be there at every. single. moment. can be overwhelming. Exhausting. There are days when all I can do in my wee moments alone is stare, linger into nothingness or endlessness and find my breath or close my eyes and whisper that I am still here, me and these Other parts of me. I always describe him as intense on those days but really what he is, is Connected, even in his disconnectedness to people around him, he is connected to something larger and whole and of Spirit. And he just wants me there. With him. I anchor him. I help him feel safe. Heard. Understood. Seen. Calm. Believed in. What we all need, really if we admit it to ourselves.

A Crystal Child mothering a Crystal Child.

I am not used to needing to anchor anyone. I am accustom to people feeling freer around me. I am used to inspiring others to take flight. Ever moving, evolving, spreading of wings but never anchoring.

Perhaps this is the struggle I feel within, that I have felt a resistance to the past few years and not being conscious of it until now. That by me anchoring him, my son keeps me anchored. That together we are in that space to work, to own and claim and BE *in it* and not try it on and then move on to try something else, like my gypsy heart did all the rest of my years growing up. "I'm not choosing easy. I am not choosing to raise a 'good' child." I heard my friend say to me before laying her exhausted body down to sleep at the end of a very long day with her son. And it shot through me like lightning. This is it. I am not choosing easy. I am not wanting him to conform to any of my ideals. I am desiring him to be fully him, of his own mind and spirit and desires and needs. It is not me controlling him but me joining him and us teaching one another and guiding one another and working through Life on this earth together.

When I allow that surrender to come in, it breathes life into my hours spent with him on the floor, outside playing in puddles and with cars, boats, rocks, sticks, etc. Those moments where I feel agitated and bored and want to be doing something different with my time. I sit with him and share my heart with him and don't pretend to have it all together as his mother and remember that his purpose on this earth is to heal and transform and offer people wings too. I feel so utterly honored. I feel a heaviness lift and I let go just a bit more and an ease, a relief washes in. And because he is who he is, a born sage, he looks over at me and shows me he totally gets it.

The other day, Cedar said to his babysitter when they were outside "This tree feels sadness, it needs a hug". He feels so much. I feel so much. When I see this as Connectedness rather than Intensity, it shifts things for me a bit for some reason.

Truly, I am just now beginning to find words for all of this. I haven't had words. I know I am going to stumble through trying to find words. I've been quiet with everyone, about motherhood. Sharing bits with souls I feel safe with but really even being quiet with myself about it. Because I wanted it for so long. Not because I always imagined myself a mother. Quite the contrary. I didn't really have a strong desire to be a mother until I had a dream at age 30 about an angel child walking with me on the beach and having a very deep conversation with this child. When I woke, there was a knowing that I would be a mother to this child one day. My yearning to be a mother was born from that dream and was affirmed when I met my husband a year later. Then began our very long, emotional fertility journey to our child because that yearning was deeply rooted in me and that child spirit called to me every day.

Because of our long journey, I have carried a bit of guilt that being a mama has felt overwhelming to me. I see women having two, three, four, five and more children.  I see them homeschooling, with their children every moment, not having a second alone and seeming to just flow and ease into it all.  And I wonder why having just one child has felt like so much.

I feel a peace when I stop comparing. I feel a peace when I remember that the child in the dream who visited me long ago, whispered in my ear that he needed to be with me. I feel a peace when I trust this and allow it to be enough.

A Crystal Child mothering a Crystal Child.

Its extraordinarily awesome and beautiful, hard and achy, stretching, widening, opening and rad. I wouldn't change anything about it except that I need to open up about it a bit more so that I don't feel alone and all the mamas out there don't feel alone. Its easier to share the easy parts in this safe screen between us. This is way more vulnerable and risky. I am choosing to trust releasing it into this space.  I choose to trust the pull to do so.

We all have our own stories and journeys through mothering/parenting.  This is my story.  Separate but also part of a whole we all experience and feel and see in each others stories.

Bare with me as I find my words...