I'm remembering.

Something is shifting in me.  Transformation that feels full circle.  A returning.

The other day I was standing in my yard and suddenly this very powerful wind swept through our sweet little village.  It was warm and swirled around me, lifted my hair high and silenced me.  I couldn't help but close my eyes and feel its energy. It was as if the earth was swaying along with it yet I was somehow rooted, still and centered. For me, this wind carried with it a consciousness of truth, a wild hush that can only be felt, not spoken because I felt heard and seen.  I felt a sweet confirmation in my soul that I am exactly where I am.   I just am.  Here.

Then my friend sent me this post by mystic mamma today and it so deeply spoke to the place I am in. 

“Virgo is the sign of healing and service and as we continue to do the internal work of self-healing, we come to know and remember who we really are. Beyond our story, beyond the ego, we are humbled by the remembrance of who we are and from this place we naturally extend forth in service. It is time to be who we are, and tune in to how we can serve. ”

— mystic mamma

September is my birth month.  I will be 42 and as ancient as that may seem to me when I look back on all I have journeyed through, I have never felt closer and more in touch with the little girl inside of me.  

My few years of hush, of more solitude than I've ever allowed myself to have, I have heard her more clearly and it turns out as much as I've spent years trying to prove to the world (or more to myself) that I'm a grown up, truly...its the wise little girl within me that makes the most sense.  She really knows what she desires and what brings her life and what connects her to Spirit ... before the world and its influence and her empathic self forgot or couldn't hear or see as clearly.

Her. Me.  Full circle. 

Just watch our young children.  They just know themselves and how to honor their needs and how to give of themselves that doesn't feel depleting but rather fills them with life.

I'm remembering. 

guest post :: moondaughter*

marissa's meditation space

Em{path}: The Path of a Healer

Hello gorgeous souls. I am Marissa from Moondaughter. I am so honored to be here today. I wanted to talk about a path, I am sure a lot of you walk down every day. It is the path of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. However, this generic definition only skims the surface of this potent ability. 

I consider myself an Empath. This is someone who vividly takes in the energy and emotions of others, so much so that it can actually be mistaken for their own. Empaths are so open to others’ energies, boundaries are most certain to be crossed and blurred. And as women, I feel we are instinctually open and apt to this sense.

Empathy is my sixth sense. I call this a sense because I know I physically feel other’s energies within my body in the physical realm as well as energetically. I do not have a great sense of smell; my taste buds are sensitive and bland. I do have great vision and pretty good hearing, but my empathy sense is potent and hard to contain.

In my 9-5 job, I am an assistant to a nurse case manager and we work with worker’s comp claims. When my boss explains some of the injuries to me, I feel the sensations of pain and tingling within those body parts. Sometimes they become so overwhelming I have to ask her to stop. I even sometimes feel them when I am speaking with the patient over the phone. Could I be crazy? Maybe.  However, when this feeling takes over, it completely overwhelms every other sense and all I can do is be in this moment with this individual. I do not think it is coincidence I chose the healer’s path.

To the healer, this path can be so rewarding, fulfilling and inspiring, with empathy leading the way. However it can be on the opposite spectrum of draining and taxing if we are not careful. 

My boyfriend is in a basketball league. I watch every Sunday and it is so fun and exciting to see them in action. A while back someone rammed their elbow right into my boyfriend’s sternum. It wasn’t broken, but bruised and he was in pain for several weeks after that. And his sternum started to pop whenever he stretched. I gave him reiki, laid crystals on his chest, and eventually it all disappeared. But now my sternum pops and it never used to! I believed I absorbed some of his pain and symptoms. I am even feeling sensations in my sternum as I type this right now. 

I literally feel them in my bones.

I knew as a healer I needed to protect myself so I can keep helping others while I sustain my own energy. I use the moon as my compass, stones as my companions, and intuition as my voice. I have found what works for me through exploring and keeping my mind and heart open. Smoky Quartz never leaves my side, grounding meditations are a must, Full Moons I share, and New Moons I hide. 

I wish to help other Em{paths} and Healers through my course Lunar Flow. Moon Energies really connect 

us to ourselves and as we observe these ebbs and flows we can find a path to nourish our sensitive bones.

This course starts on the New Moon of September 5 activities, prompts, and meditations to dive into to create a sustaining path for you as you heal the 

world. There is community support from me and other healers through a private Facebook Forum as well as a private site and weekly emails. 

We will touch on the Maiden // Mother // Crone energies and how they weave into your life. We will sit around the campfire and tell our stories. I want to hear yours. 

This course is accredited and is also the foundational course of my certification program for all the healers out there. If you wish to be a part of this program you can sign up here for a discounted price. 

The course is $50 for 4 weeks or a discounted rate if you wish to be in my program. Within the program we will explore Tarot, Crystal Healing, and the Chakras. But first, we lay the foundations in Lunar Flow.

Sign up here for just Lunar Flow.

The path of Empathy is one of compassion, love, and courage. Aligning and working with this sense, we can heal others and ourselves. It is a beautiful ebb and flow and I cannot wait to work with you.

What sustains you through empathetic energies? 

So much love and healing to you,

Marissa Moondaughter

 {special note from Denise :: as an empath myself, i resonate so deeply with this and found it so very helpful marissa, thank you.  it feels so good to meet others with this "sixth sense" and to not feel alone.  so so grateful.}

yoga and children*

I came around the corner and stumbled upon this scene (above) the other day and I was reminded of a yoga teacher once sharing with me that yoga comes from the wisdom of children and how they naturally stretch their bodies to connect to themselves, to earth to energy around them.

I'm so happy I had my phone on my hip in my utility belt to capture this moment. 

our kind of romance*

i posted this image and words on my Instagram a month ago :: "he kissed me on this shoulder while i was doing the dishes. after 11 years together, it still feels mmmmm."

Last night my husband and I were laying in bed feeling utterly worn and so so relieved the day had ended and we could rest our bones.  The room was lit by a few candles, his iPad and my iPhone.  Both of us side by side, browsing mindlessly online trying to quiet our minds.  I ran across an article where I saw the date "August 14th" and I gasped out loud. "Honey!  Guess what we forgot today?!?"  It took him a while but when I whispered the date, he said "Oh no.  Our anniversary." 

We both forgot our wedding anniversary. 

We laughed a bit and we talked about all the stressful things that happened over the last few days that led us to forgetting.  Some really consuming and overwhelming stuff going on in our world.  But I grew quiet before falling asleep and wondered if it was okay, truly okay that this very sacred day just slipped our minds.  This morning I woke with a heaviness in my heart.  Yes, we have a wonderfully intense child that requires all of our energy.  Yes, some things are going on with us buying the house that feels unsettling.  Yes, my sister and parents yesterday had to postpone their trip out here next week because my sister is not feeling up to traveling.  So with all this in mind, as much as I wanted to be practical and gentle on us for forgetting, the romantic in me and the expectations that can sometimes come with being a romantic, was causing some heartache.  

I had some time early this morning at a coffee shop to work and when I opened up my email, the first one I read was one sent to me from a dear friend.  She had no idea it was our anniversary yesterday but we had been on her heart and she was missing us and this is part of what she wrote...

"i miss your sweet little family. i miss mornings in your home. and how your husband ADORES you. gosh. i think that was one of my favorite parts. watching him steal glances at you. and serve me well, because i was important to you. i don't know that i've ever been more honored."

 ....and tears fell down my cheeks right in the middle of a cafe.  Sometimes when we are deep in the muck of worry and fear and expectation and it is hard to feel clear about the truth of what is in front of you, it is our dear safe circle around us that can gently take the veil off for us when we are unable to.  Their witness, especially the ones that know you deep and have been in your home and walked with your family, can be the reminders, the mirrors that we need.

When I shared what happened with a few of my soul sisters, this is more of what I heard... 

"I'd say laughing together comfortably on your anniversary speaks in the highest regard to your love and where you two are, together and as individuals.  I'd say you guys have just grown into the new and didn't know it 'til last night!  Nice anniversary gift!"

She made me laugh out loud alone in my car.  Healing healing laughter.  The kind that truly wakes you and keeps you present.

From another friend this morning... 

"I think it means you're even more in love.  You have reached that level of rare intimacy that knows there is so much more.  You celebrate one another each and every day."

I chose to share these intimate details here because I wonder how many of us have gone through something like this and have allowed the forgetting of a date or romantic holiday to define in that moment the entirety of your relationship.  And its important for me to keep it real in this space.  I get so many sweet notes about how my relationship with my husband inspires them deep and they wish they had a love like us or they hope for a love like ours.

We do have a wonderful, timeless love...but we also forget anniversary dates and at times we lay near one another in bed with electronics rather than wrapped up in each others arms.   There are many layers to us and its not all romantical but I am deeply in love with him and he with me.  

A few weeks ago I was sitting face to face in the office of our new DAN Doctor sharing about our son and some new holistic treatment he can provide.  After writing a bunch of notes, he stopped, looked at me intensely in the eye and said "You need to know how blessed you are that you and your husband are still together.  After years of treating children on the spectrum, it is rare that couples stay married through the course and my wife and I were one of the unfortunate ones."  

I cried on the way home thinking about what he said.  Not tears of sadness but tears of celebration because really, this process and the process of (in)fertility just drew my husband and I together, not apart.  That may not be societies idea of romance but it sure is ours.

Happy belated anniversary my love.  I cannot imagine anyone else on this journey by my side but you.  Remember that dance we watched on So You Think You Can Dance last night?  Where they were falling into each other without looking back, with complete trust that they would be caught and held over and over again?  That is you and me...a constant flow of this all day long.  All. Day. Long.  And that is enough. I love you and our nine married years together.  We made a date this weekend!  So proud of us.

the next Soulsigh...

self portrait from ecourse::

Our four week premier launch of Soulsigh is coming to an end this week and Rain and I couldn't be more spellbound and left deeply inspired and healed and soul shivery. 

Mmmm...the soulFULL women that gathered for this blessingway allowed themselves to be nourished and nurtured and gently witnessed while offering that witness and nourishment to the sisters that circled.  Its just brought me to my knees in gratitude and awe.  

We wanted to see how this course flowed in our veins and within the group before announcing another launch but after just a few weeks we knew.  We knew women needed this, just as much as we did. 

re(birth)

Rain and I called each other several times in tears, just utterly moved and touched by the process and what was being unveiled through these women as they journeyed through our ecourse prompts and their truth was gently revealed.  It felt so beyond us. We knew we were just the vessels and we trusted what would come forth would bring life to all who joined.  

“I really feel led by authentic magic and love when you two lead the way. The site, with it’s “portals”, thrills me each time and makes me feel that I am lifting veils and dipping into tunnels...into the mists of avalon...following the giggling fairies to a place where I am *invited*!!!!!! Thank you, universe for leading me to Soulsigh and thank you Hillary Rain and Denise for leading me to wide open spaces and tiny, hidden nooks. Thank you for *leading*. Thank you. You have my *love* and my deep respect. xoxo”

— Jennifer

soulsigh in the Fall*

We are having another Soulsigh Blessingway starting October 14th.  For all those who reached out that couldn't make it during the Summer because of vacation...this is for you.  And to all who have wrote us emails that they needed just one more month to save.  And to all who have felt Soulsigh cradled in their heart since the moment they discovered it.  We would be honored to walk, sit, lay, dance, rock, twirl, leap, swim near you this time around.

Soulsighhhhh. 

our holy hush*

“Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.”

— Khalil Gibran

A few weekends ago we all had this strong desire to travel an hour to the mountains to sink our toes into snow.  We knew we could find little patches here and there.  So into the car we went.  It would be our new puppy Salish's first trip to the mountains and longest trip in the car yet.  We tucked her into her car crate with a soft bed and a few of her favorite chewy toys.  She was very relaxed and slept most of the way, which was a pleasant surprise for all of us. 

Cedar sang us songs as we drove through the beautiful lush green mountains.  We stopped at our favorite mountain town at a darling woodsy restaurant that is owned by a young earthy family.  They and their two children (7 and 5 years old) live on the top of the restaurant, so their children come out to say hello and play.  There is a sweet little wooden playhouse out front and a miniature picnic table and trees to climb.  Cedar is shy to engage with other children and his social nervousness can sometimes mean using voices like a kitty voice or a monster or a robot.  Many kids look at him sideways and walk away but these two darling sprites just went along with it and seemed to get him.  Its moments like these that I find myself gulping my tears back.  I know Cedar will find his kindreds throughout his life.   

Wherever we stop, Salish is adored by strangers.  She has such a sweet temperament with other animals and humans.  Her greyish blue eyes are so soulful and they pull people in.  Its so fun to share her with others. 

We got back in the car after our break and as soon as we saw our first patch of snow, we pulled over so Cedar could feel it.  We were letting our puppy go potty, so we weren't paying attention and all of a sudden we look to our left and see Cedar on top of a huge jagged hill saying "this is soooo beautiful, come see!!!" and we walked up the hill to find the most breathtaking view of Mount Baker.  We decided to keep going off the beaten path and more and more of this holy hush was revealed.  We finally found our way to a path that led to a visitor center at the top of a hill and more trails down to bridges and rushing water and waterfalls coming down from the mountains and snow, lots of snow and sunshine and wild wild flowers!

Every cell of my being felt alive.  I didn't know whether to cry or laugh or sing or dance. In front of me on the path were my beautiful boys and near me was my sweet dog and all of us were in quiet awe. 

I remember screaming "THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!!!" and hearing my voice echo.   Then I kept hearing the song from Sound of Music in my head "The hills are alive with the sound of music!".  It was honestly one of the most breathtaking, gorgeous places I have ever laid eyes on and I am from Northern California.  I have been to Yosemite and the Big Sur coast and never have I been this spellbound.  Perhaps it was because it was so very unexpected.  We had only planned to play a bit in some patches of snow.  We had no idea we were going to hike for three hours (good thing we brought lots of food and water).

At one point, we were able to take the leash off of Salish and she followed near us, very protective of Cedar.  If he stopped, she would stop.  If we walked a bit ahead of him, she would not budge until Cedar was ahead so she could see where he was.  If Cedar went off the beaten path, she would run and follow him.  Once she barked when he started climbing a jagged rock.  We are just so amazed at their bond when Salish is still only 16 weeks old.  This connection is exactly what he needs, so deeply and her temperament is what he needs and it is what we hoped for.   His spirit has longed for a companion and our hearts led us to find her.

We actually went again this past weekend!  This place has become our holy hush.  Its only 1.5 hours away and there are still so many trails to venture on.  This past weekend I was feeling a bit nauseous for some reason, so we did a lot of resting on the side of the trail near the water.  Salish got a swimming lesson and my husband jumped in himself.  Cedar walked up and down this sweet little water fall that was near us where daisies were floating in.  We met two kind hearted young women on the path that had a new 10 week old puppy and him and Salish played for a long time near the water.

It was bliss and I truly felt like these two days were some of the happiest in my entire life.  There is such a holy energy there.  I felt so close to God and Mama Nature and also to the little girl within that always imagined heaven to look this way. 

And my sweet sensitive boy.  On the path he stopped and drew in the dirt with his stick saying the words "Dear Mother Nature, I am in love with you." 

I am in love with you too. 

sponsor guest post ~ horny toad clothing*

By Safia Ohlson

Earning a living without compromising my ideals of love and compassion is important to me.  For years I have tried to fold right livelihood into my own spiritual wellbeing, so when I took a job at Horny Toad Clothing as an editor and copywriter, I was beyond thankful to work somewhere that makes upholding my ideals easy.  

While Horny Toad might not use the phrase “right livelihood” to describe its business ethics, if you go to its website, you will read this: “The choices we make are as important as the clothes we create. We try each day to lighten our environmental footprint, be good partners in all of our relationships, pay attention to and stay active in our communities and support organizations that improve our world…” 

Here’s an example of how it’s walking its talk:  In 1997 it co-created a non-profit called Planet Access Company (PAC). PAC is a nonprofit life-skills training group with a mission to positively change the lives of adults with developmental disabilities by providing them with training and work opportunities. Today each Horny Toad item gets picked, packed and shipped with unmatched reliability and enthusiasm by the PAC work crew.

PAC’s co-founder (along with Horny Toad) is called Search Developmental Center and it has a 30-year track record of working with adults with developmental disabilities. They provide lifeskills training, beautiful group homes in good neighborhoods and, most importantly, the chance for their members to participate fully in society and their community. The goal of Search is to provide the opportunity for a dignified and fulfilling life to this overlooked and underestimated population. Their next challenge for Horny Toad was to answer the question: “What’s work without play?”

Enter Search for Adventure (SFA), an adventure travel program that uses proceeds from PAC and a grant from Horny Toad to send Search residents and members of the PAC work crew on trips to get a taste of the outdoors. The cherry on top is that Horny Toad employees join the trips as volunteers. Recently they expanded the program so that employees from stores that carry Horny Toad can also participate.

What it comes down to is that every day I get to work with a team of sincerely good people whose mission is to make sure that each Horny Toad order arrives at its destination full of clothes perfect for living fully engaged, meaningful lives both in and out of doors. And I know that since the PAC work crew is responsible for sending those clothes, each package we send is off to a really good start.

note from denise: 

Horny Toad is one of my favorite companies and I am honored they choose to collaborate with me as a sponsor.  For a few years they have offered my dear readers yummy dresses and men's shirts in GIVEaways on my blog and a constant 20% discount (with code: DENISE at checkout) and will continue to do so.  I believe deeply in their mission and in their vibe and their soft, beautiful, comfy, functional clothes.  Everyone I have worked with on their staff has been so personal and kind and gracious.  Its obvious they are one huge family and they extend that feeling to those that support them.  I was honored to host this heart warming post from Safia!  Also...they just launched their new Fall line and are having a big Spring sale.  Yummmm.

a gentle opening of a door*

:: something i tried this morning and it feels sooo romantic ::

Who needs a screen door? ; )  Mmmm...soft wind breezing through my home.

Speaking of doorways, for those who were unable to join our Soulsigh circle this Summer, we are opening the gentle door again for another dance around the moon on September 16th. 

We begin our premier launch of our course tomorrow and both Rain and I have soul shivers and belly flutters.  We were up very late last night, emotional, vulnerable and giddy like new parents about to birth a baby.  We've always referred to this as our creative lovechild and we've welcomed and honored the rhythms of emotion that ebb and flow as we carried and birthed this precious babe together.

It feels vulnerable revealing and opening the sacred doors into our Soulsigh h(OM)e.   We've poured so much of our hearts and spirits into this and its felt like we've been dancing in a quiet, holy, sacred realm, just her and I and the guests that offered their own heart and wisdom.  Now the circle opens and connects and oh how ready and thrilled we are!  

There has been so many beautiful and kind hearted words sent our way about how those that have witnessed just our website alone, already feel a transformation and a pull.  We felt so strongly that we needed to have the course again...for those that were sad to be on vacation or needing to save a bit more and the plethora of reasons why it wasn't the right time.  We are humbled.  Truly humbled.

Today my boys, our puppy and I are hiking to a waterfall.  They are preparing for our adventure as I type this.  I'm going to think about each and every one of the participants that are circling with us tomorrow and send blessings and gratitude of flowers, twigs, leaves and stones to them down the waterfall path...Mmmmm.

soulsigh-ish moments*

a glimpse of our ecourse

Soulsigh.  Mmmm...that word.  I am madly in love with that word.  Perhaps you've figured that out by now.  ; )  

My dear friend (and creative partner & baby mama to our lovechild) whispered that word across her lips within moments of me first connecting with her. Not only did it make me fall deeper in awe of her but it brought breath to me.  Life to my heart.  That simple word says so so much.   Soulsigh.  When something permeates your being with inhale and exhale and goosebumps and feel-good-shivers and heartmelts and deep deep connection to the Divine and the Mother and your inner Goddess and your precious glorious soul.  Say it out loud to yourself.  In a whisper. Soulsighhhh.  Or in a shout out to the beautiful sky: Soulsigh!  Do you feel it too?

So when it came to naming our series of ecourses, that word just felt so organically the one.  That word...for me personally, just shifts things to the better and its helped me define what it is that fills me up in my life. It has created an awareness that when I am worn and raw, depleted and very low on reserves that I need to make time for Soulsigh-ish moments to nourish my body, mind, spirit and soul.  Not just for me but for those around me.

Like yesterday. 

Its been an emotionally draining month for my wee family within these four walls.  I need to honor the privacy of my boys with not too much detail but with big growth spurts and a few huge transitions, its been intense for our sensitive boy and we've all been in the depths of its intensity.  We walk so intuitively with him and it has come to a place where we've had shift what is no longer working for his body and spirit and ask for help.  Asking for help is both scary and brave! Especially if you're so used to a certain rhythm and you know it will look and feel different. I'm in deep honor of this process for us. Its been a deeply vulnerable place but it has brought us so close together.  My husband and I ebb and flow with who feels stronger in a particular moment and gosh, I've fallen deeper in love with him if that's possible.  My husband and I have been through journeys together that could draw us apart but the opposite has happened and I'm in tears writing that out.  So grateful it is him that walks with me.

And our dear family that lives far from us.  Oh how they have surrounded us in spirit (and in body when they are able).  Just yesterday when I felt that I was hanging by a thin thread, my sister wrote me this about the family and how they are with us...

"If you look closely at that thread you will find that it is made up of many strands. One for each person that loves the three of you. Alone, they are delicate but together and braided, they are strong."

With my mother's fervent prayers and reading my sister's words, I cried a river and then I felt life breathe into me.  Shortly after, my husband gently asked me to go on a walk in the forest alone.  Just me. We have needed to team-parent so much that time alone has not really been an option.  He saw me.  Truly saw me and what I needed more than I could see it for myself.

So into the forest I walked and the entire journey became such a metaphor for me...

my healing forest walk

Much of the path was covered and overgrown because plant life grows at warp speed here when the sun comes out and the sun had been out for over a week.  I had to pull my way through the tall weeds and branches and at points I wasn't sure where the path was.  A handful of times I had to take a deep breath and walk through my fears of claustrophobia or the feeling of being lost.  My heart beat wildly as I pulled and pushed my way through the thickness with scraped arms and legs and happened upon a huge glorious clearing.  A wide magical field near the shore.  It was divine. Then I found a muddy path from the shore that led up to the true trail.  I found it because I didn't give up or allow my fear to hold me still.  So, I stood and sat under the shelter of mossy trees.  I prayed.  I allowed myself to be cradled by Mother Earth and I found God there.  I felt the gentle and wild feminine deep within and swirling all around me as I threw my head back.  Mmmmm... and all because I allowed just one hour of time alone in the woods.  Everyone's experience in nature is uniquely their own.  Mmmm...this was mine yesterday.

I came home and everything felt shifted.  Cedar is such a barometer of our emotions.  He is such an empath like me and him and I had the most clear conversation and connection than we've had in weeks.  I shared with him about my walk and he looked into my eyes and said "life is inside, here..." and he laid his hand on my chest.   That moment was other worldly.  I needed that connection with him.

Soulsigh-ish moments.  These are what they are.  Those moments we are open to and receive for ourselves.  The moments we create time for to nourish our(selves).  The moments where there are messages and metaphors that bring us life, wisdom, guidance.  For me, these moments in the forest offered me the hope and strength I needed to trust.  Release and trust. 

This is why this course is needed by not only so many of you but also me and Rain.  We all need to be reminded and perhaps often that it is okay to nourish and that it is not selfish.  Those around you need you to be nourished so that you can love deeper and listen to them more intently and snuggle them softer and be more gently present. 

Mmmmm...Soulsigh...its one more week until our course starts on the full moon, July 22nd.  We would be so honored if you joined our moon-circle-tribe.  There will be an abundance of Soulsigh-ish moments to be had!

soul-watering enticement...

video made by my soul stirring creative partner, Hillary Rain, photography by me. 

Walk with us, we are gently waiting over at Soulsigh. 

mmmm summer*

Summer here is so other worldly and its precious as it doesn't last very long.  Our bodies and souls are so hungry for the light and warmth that we try to do most everything outdoors.  

This is the first Summer in years that my husband is taking more time off of work to be with us and our family as they visit and this time with him has been so sacred to me.  Its why I haven't spent much time online and its why I needed to postpone my Fae Creative Prompt: {Fae}rie Tale Fridays for the time being.  It wasn't an easy choice as it was something that I cared deeply for.  It was inspired by an idea from my friend and for a few days it brought us so much life.  It was a portal away from our every day and gave us permission to draw from the fantasy and the real and write with abandon.  Yet, what I have learned since being a mother and especially a mama to a very spirited and intense being, is to listen to my spirit and my reserves and to make sure I am putting my energy towards where I am needed most.

With visitors coming and going, a new puppy and some serious growth spurts (two inches in two months!), its been quite a big month for my sweet and sensitive boy.  Transitions are always a lot for him and energy and emotions in his body have required both my husband and I to be fully present.

Its hard to let go of things I care for.  It always has been but I do find it easier than it used to be.  I am feeling so deeply protective of my space, my home and my family these days and have for the past few years since moving here.  Anything that causes drain or stress outside of our four walls that doesn't feel life bringing to us has needed to be let go.  I know it won't always be this intense but for now, it just is and we are surrendering to it. 

Its why being outdoors in the fresh air and healing sun is so so good for us.  Our days here are long as it gets dark at 10:30pm and we soak in every morsel.

Despite the intensity and high emotions and serious mama stretching going on...I am the happiest I have been in years.  I'm deeply happy in my marriage and more comfy in my skin and accepting of what is in front of me.  I carry less fear about the overwhelm I feel as a mother to a beautifully spirited child and trust more in my intuition.

There are many days I am weeping to my sister or marmie on the phone because of exhaustion or in my husband's chest or in the arms of a dear safe friend but there is also deeper laughter, more cuddling, more intention for quiet and peace because how can you fully feel joy without fully feeling sorrow?  

I invite all of it because I know I am a feeler, an empath and I've come to really accept and love that about myself.

heart work*

I tenderly laid her into the claw foot tub full of wam water, heard her exhale, trailed my palm down her arm, her hip, her thigh and like a soft wind, carried the trim of her dress up with my fingertips, swaying back and forth, back and forth in the water until her skin was revealed just so.   Flowers and petals rained over her, the womb of water cradled her.  Sensual. Wild. Womb. Woman.

I gently asked them to twirl with fabric beneath the trees, bare feet on dewey grass, swaying their hips in unison, summoning their feminine divine to dance free with abandon.  Release. Playfulness. Freedom.

Its been so long, too long since I witnessed women like this behind the lens of my BC (big camera).  I had a few sessions planned for the creation of our Blessingway ecourse.   I wanted to gift my models with the love and ritual we will be offering in our course. It was such a spiritual experience for me, to stand witness to the birthing of their hearts, their bodies, their souls in those moments and I felt an ache to set down my camera and dance, to swim with them.

As I drifted from image to image after the sessions, I was in tears. Something is stirring within my soul that brings me to my knees; An overwhelming vibration, a pull, a gravity, a pouring of emotion, an unveiling of sorts.

I shared some images with my creative partner and her words spoke deeply to me...

 "Let this truth fill you and expand you. This is your heart work"

Heart work.  Yes.  Truth.  Yes.  These moments are never to be forced but to organically move through us at just the right time.  Born from our own journeys of blood, sweat, tears and surrender are they able to be seen and felt, received and released out from our protection and into the world of I dare you.

I have no more words for it yet, really...but they will come.  I know its a movement happening within me, a birthing of my creative feminine and I feel awed and humbled that this is taking place right before our Blessingway.  A place I can go to honor this process, just as I invite others to honor theirs.  Side by side I will be with those that join us, birthing, celebrating, honoring, witnessing and being witnessed.

our new fae-pup*

salish, four weeks

Meet our new fae-puppy Salish (Say-lish). 

She is a Chinook breed.  We brought her home on June 20th.  We named her after the lodge we spent our honeymoon in {Salish Lodge}.  That place holds so much meaning to both my husband and I and being in that magical space was the beginning of us dreaming about living in the Pacific Northwest.  The Salish tribe is a group of American Indians inhabiting the Pacific Northwest of the US and British Columbia.  We have always felt drawn to that name and the Chinook breed has Native American roots and we feel deeply connected to both the PNW and BC, Canada.  It just seemed to fit.

How Salish came into our life was serendipitous and magical.  We had been talking for some time about Cedar having a companion.  A doggie spirit that could bring him calm and comfort, safe and cozy during those times when he felt overwhelm.  Someone to love him unconditionally when he feels misunderstood.  We knew the process of finding this soul for Cedar would be organic just as us finding Cedar was organic to us.

My husband and I are never ones to watch the television by flipping channels.  We record our favorite shows and watch them sometimes at night when we are able.  One time we decided to see what live television was like now (ha!) and we stumbled upon that reality show "Too Cute!" on the Animal Planet.   There was a segment on Chinook puppies and we were so moved by their temperament and rarity.  We had thought we were going to wait for a puppy from the humane society or the pound but there was something about the Chinook breed that was pulling at us in a spiritual way.  I sent my sister a text about the Chinooks and she wrote back "we JUST watched that show too and said they sound perfect for our Cedar!"

I always listen deeply to those kind of serendipitous signs and immediately did research on local breeders.  We found Rain Mountain Chinooks, which is not too far away.  I sent an email to the breeder, Ginger and told her all about our story and Cedar and how we feel he needs a companion.  She was planning on taking a break for a bit but our story moved her deeply and one of her favorite mama's and Sire's were available to breed.  The Sire is a service dog and that peaked our interest.

Her process of choosing which pup suits which family is full of intention and intuition.  We fill out a large amount of paperwork about our specific needs and she takes every detail into consideration.  Because we lived close enough, we were able to visit about five times, so she was able to get to know Cedar a bit beyond just my blog.  When our litter was born, on our first visit at 4 weeks old, it was Salish that was the only pup to approach Cedar and feel safe enough to climb on his lap, even though Cedar was unsure and flopping around with energy.  When Cedar felt overwhelmed and asked to sit in the car parked in front of her ranch, Salish followed him toward the gate...every single time he did this on each visit.   

Ginger could see that we were getting a bit attached but she continued to remind us that she was going to take the puppies for temperament evaluations and have one of her friends that specializes in children on the spectrum and with SPD to come evaluate the litter for Cedar.  So throughout this entire process, we constantly told each other to keep an open mind and not get attached and to surrender and trust.  There were about three puppies we were drawn to but Salish seemed to be most drawn to Cedar.

At about 9 weeks old, the puppies went for their professional temperament evaluations, as well as being evaluated at home specifically set up for Cedar.  One particular puppy showed high intelligence.  They all called her "The Thinking Dog".  Our puppy had been chosen for us but Ginger kept it as a surprise. Then a few days after the evaluations was when we were able to visit and find out which one was ours.  I called Ginger when we were on the way and she said "I will have a blanket set out on the grass outside of the gate and will bring out your new puppy."  There was so much anticipation.  The fluttering in my chest and the warmth all over my body reminded me so much of when we were driving to the hospital with our birth parents the day Cedar was born.

We pulled up and sat on the blanket and out she came...with Salish in her arms and it was so beautiful and emotional.  I had a feeling down deep that she was the one...and really, she chose Cedar.  She truly chose Cedar.

salish, 9 weeks

minutes after we learned she was ours

A week later, at 10 weeks old, we picked her up and it has been such a life altering experience for our family.  The morning before my marmie called with lots of puppy wisdom and I'm so happy my sister was in town so she could be with us the first few days and this week (our first week with Salish), my mother in law is visiting and is also helping us with the training and care.  Its been so wonderful to share it with my family!

She is so very soulful and mellow and intuitive and tolerant and intelligent and affectionate.  She's already picked up potty training in a week and is so emotionally in tune with us.  We have had a really intense week with Cedar as transitions are difficult for him and she is so in tune with his needs.  She is learning when to leave him be and learning when to make him giggle and cuddle close.  Just today Salish came in with a flower in her mouth and gave it to Cedar.  I'm not kidding!!

We are reading up a lot of training, as well as taking a puppy kindergarten class (starting tonight!) but we are finding that just like with raising our Cedar, our intuition is guiding us with our Salish.

Mmmmm...puppy medicine.  

Here are a few images of the ride home:

a wee nervous on the drive

she tried my sister's lap. her sweater brings salish's eyes out!

One the first day home, Cedar adorned her with a feather and began telling her stories:

My favorite of all is our morning cuddles:

ps. {Fae}rie Tale Friday will begin in two weeks  I've been wanting to be very present for family visiting and transitions for Cedar, so have had to be mindful of my energy and time.  I'm excited to begin that journey with all of you! 

.

a taproot gathering*

Taproot Gathering at Squam is one of my lovely Sponsors and I wanted to share their video with you on this Summer Solstice.

Squam Art Workshops holds a very special place in my heart.  Its where I hugged so many of you in the flesh for the first time.  Its where I bravely stepped into photographing artists.  Its where I received a phone call while in a cabin by the lake that we were going to adopt a baby boy rather than a girl (first ultra sound was wrong).   It was where I was surrounded by soulful women and held close as I sobbed at the news (both happy and fearful tears).  It was the first place I went to away from my baby when he was almost a year old.  It seems to hold such pivotal moments for me and my journey.  I haven't had a chance to go back in a while but I think of it often and I've seen how many lives have been touched there and I know one day I will lay my body on of those healing docks again.

sponsor guest post ~ roots of she*

Hello, sweet soul. 

I'm Jenn Gibson, a life coach, writer and creator of Roots of She, a collection of true stories and tender wisdom for women, by women.

As a coach, I focus on foundational self-care, helping overwhelmed women learn to live simply, and simply live.

Because one thing I know as truth is this:  Self-care isn’t selfish – it’s the height of generosity.

I know that when you take care of yourself, you feel more grounded, more balanced, more centered. Happier, at ease, ready to savor each moment, even the messy ones. You feel at peace.

I know that when I feel at peace, I speak peace, write peace, give peace… and breathe peace, into the world.

Because peace isn’t a destination — but a daily practice.

But so many of us don't know where or how to begin. And this is why I created Breathe Peace.

Breathe Peace: the ebook is self-paced and mirrors the work done in the course. You'll fill up your toolbox with a multitude of ways to establish a strong foundation in self-care. The ebook includes simple action items that focus on moving into a place of reverent self-care, an anti-worst-case scenario plan to help keep burnout at bay, and tailored soulwork, worksheets, printables, and guided meditations.

There are also little love notes to help you set an intention for the day. Think photographs, quotes, affirmations - nothing heavy, just a gentle breath. 

Breathe Peace : The Self-Study Experience : $24

• A beautifully designed 65-plus page e-book
• 12 practices to act as a foundation for your self-care practice
• 16 intentions for the every day
• Downloadable worksheets, audios, and printables
• A private Facebook group for gathering
• Printable 8X10 quote cards and 28 affirmation cards
• A mini-meditation .mp3

Here's to beginnings. Here’s to taking a stand. Here's to taking a step. Here's to devoting time to yourself, every single day, whether it’s a moment or a minute or an hour. (The moments and minutes add up, they make a difference.)

A little something extra for you: use the code DENISE20 to knock 20 percent off the top.

With heart,

being witnessed*

hillary rain, self portrait

Oh what a rare and precious moment I am having this morning.  My son is sleeping in, my husband tickity-tacketing on his keys in his office down the hall and my dear sister is sleeping peacefully in our guest room.   My creamy cup of coffee is steaming near my face and the singsongs of the birds through our window are melodies I've never heard before. The light of the sun rises so early here, 4am and fades away to dark after 10pm.  The days are long yet so full and when I can have a moment to myself, it fills me up and gives me the courage I need to be present in it all.  Mmmmm...I am drawn to come to my fae space to connect here with you and share what is on my heart.

My partner Hillary Rain wrote such a real and beautiful piece on her blog and her words have been lingering with me like a soft gentle whisper, offering comfort when I begin to go to those places of overwhelm in the other spaces of my life.  Oh this lovechild we have created together has given us so much energy in our bones throughout the ebb and flow of our days.  As she so beautifully said, her and I have both come together to gather circles of women not to teach but to stand witness.  Witness to ourselves, to each other and to the women that are drawn to the gentle and wild energy that will pulse through the four weeks of our course.  The thing is, her and I need the gentle, tender and powerful assignments and soulful prompts and ritual in this course just as much as the others will.  We come to the circle as very real, humbled souls seeking shelter and safe, witness and courage...because we need it so, just like you.

As I write this I am reminded of a yoga teacher I had when I lived in Berkeley.  I remember she would come to class and would share a piece about her morning or her day prior that brought her to a space of surrender onto her mat.  Sometimes she would let tears fall as she shared, sometimes she just took deep breaths of gratitude for our witness and she would encourage us to do the same within ourselves in a moment of quiet.  She wouldn't stand before us the entire time.  When the class went into a zone, she would join us, lay near us, bend near us, surrender near us and I could feel her need for the movement as much as all of us and it always moved me deep.  I've never felt a connection to a teacher as much as I have her.

Yesterday was Thursday.  Thursdays are occupational therapy days for Cedar.  We go in the mornings and when we return, he has very tender days.  His reserves are low as he gave so much in that hour with his therapist.  He walks through the door with his senses so very heightened to the point where even a whisper can cause pain to his body.  My sister, who is visiting this week, witnessed the intensity of it.  She witnessed him melt and cry and scream throughout the morning at every sound around him and me bringing him up to his dark room, giving him space to regulate his senses before surfacing.  I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen to continue making sandwiches for everyone.  She gave me space for a few minutes before she walked in and one look at her as she stretched her arms out to hug me and I felt my body let go of my hold to keep it all together. I fell into her open arms and found myself sobbing into her neck.  We were quiet for a while as she swayed me back and forth.  My sobs took me by surprise. They felt very primal and from such a very deep place.  Since Cedar's diagnosis, I have felt misunderstood by people in my life that I love about him and his special needs and how we support and parent him.  Nobody understands what we go through unless they're in it with us, in our home and not very many people in our life enter into that space.  Its very sacred to me and my husband and to Cedar too, to let people into our four walls.

She pulled away to look into my eyes and said "you are such a strong mama, Denise...you are such a strong mama. I don't know how you do this my love. What happens with him is so hard to watch. I see the pain in his face and I see you holding it for him. You are so strong"...and she kept repeating that as she held me.  I let her words wash over me and allowed them to just soothe those achy parts that are hidden from my awareness most days.  Because I don't think consciously about how hard it is most of the time.  Both my husband and I have no choice but to draw strength from all of the moments that bring us life with our deep love of and connection to our son.

I can imagine that all caretakers to children or adults with special needs, don't or can't allow themselves to go to that place of awareness too often.  But when we are truly seen and witnessed and in the arms of a safe person holding a mirror to us, it gives us permission to be honest and raw with them and with ourselves.  She put her hand on my heart and said "YOU were chosen for this.  You were chosen."  and I felt my chest expand and I didn't break the gaze from my sister's loving eyes and I heard myself say with such certainty "I know.  I know..." and in that moment the sobs ceased and I felt renewed and told her "I'm going to go upstairs to check on him."  Cedar and I held each other tight upstairs.  He melted into me witnessing him, just as I melted into my sister's witness of me.

Sometimes that is simply all we need to bring us back to center and to find the strength where we thought we had none left.  Being witnessed with such compassion is so very powerful and THAT is the energy we are drawing from as we gather circles of women in our course.

Hillary and I...we are just showing up after long work days or long days with a special needs child, we are showing up and sharing our stories, sharing what brings us life, sharing what nurtures and pampers and reminds us who we are in the midst of doing our best to hold it together for ourselves and those who need us and we hold hear in our life.

GIVEaway for Father's Day ~ hornytoad

Just in time for Father's Day, one of my wonderful sponsors hornytoad is giving away this Leadbetter Shirt for the man (father, husband, grandfather, brother, friend, etc) in your life.

My husband slipped it on for the first time the other day and he closed his eyes and said "mmmmmm".  He has very similar sensitivities to fabric as our son and we've always had to be mindful of this.  Anything by hornytoad is buttery soft.  I think he has about 6 of their shirts and they always fit his lifestyle.  The fabrics are soft, durable and breathable for outdoor use but also look nice for going around town or on a date.

Here is a bit of details on what we are giving away today...

Leadbetter Shirt  

Considered dressed up in some worlds and cleaned up in others, the Leadbetter Shirt is a way-beyond-basic designed to keep you cool and collected whether you wear it for cocktails or a sweaty round of golf. Ventilating fabric feels amazing against the skin thanks to a waffled blend of soft cotton and silky Tencel®, and the full-button placket goes undercover as a polo.  Colors come in Blue Steel & Boulder.  Sizes are small, med, large, xl and xxl.

GIVEaway rules: 

• To enter, please leave a comment 
• To enter a second time, share giveaway link on Twitter and comment letting me know
• To enter a third time, share giveaway link on Facebook and leave comment letting me know
• Comments are open until Tuesday, June 11th 10pm PST
• Winner will be announced on Wednesday and emailed directly
• Shirt will be mailed to winner overnight

WINNER: Jennifer who said: "I would love the chance to win this for my husband - an amazing, selfless father to our three children. Thanks!"

Jennifer, please email your mailing addie to me asap at denise@faesoul.com so I can get it over to Hornytoad!  Congrats!

wild fae*

When we first moved into this house, subconsciously I felt pressure to tame the land.  I don't even know why, really, except that the landlord is a master gardener and that may have had something to do with it.  I don't consider myself a master in anything and never have.  I flow from passion to passion and never stay long enough and when I return, there has been so much change that I learn all over again.  I also feel most comfy creating from my intuition because once I start reading books or taking classes or being guided, as an empath and a Virgo, I find myself influenced to the point of losing my own way, with a strong need to please and have everything aligned.  I am more aware now than I ever have been about this, so I am learning...learning to be guided and yet still hear my own intuition. To pause and find my own way.  Its a process, each time a gentle process.

We are buying this house soon.  Our landlord lives very near and when she sees me outside, she loves to come and talk with me about all the flowers she planted and how to take care of them and what she thinks I should keep.  She has a passion for roses and they are everywhere.  I have a passion for the loose and flowy. For months I have felt it is all still hers, which essentially, it is until we buy the house and land.  I was aware she had a certain way of doing things and it wasn't necessarily how I may have nurtured the land.

As the time of buying the house approaches, I feel myself leaning more into the land and its whispering to me.  I see the landlord roaming less and less and I am finally allowing myself the freedom to dig my hands into the earth and connect.  This is the first time in my adult life that I have this much land and rather than allowing myself to get overwhelmed, I am connecting one piece at a time.  

Because of this slow process of me connecting, so much wildness, weeds and wildflowers have grown around the home and what I am learning is that I love the wildness.  Wild, flowy and free are what speak to my soul.  Fullness and height with paths carved for walking through call to me.  Perhaps its the feeling of shelter and quiet it brings. This being drawn to wildness makes sense as I've never been a manicured person.  I've always been a bit unkept and so has my husband and I suppose this is part of why we were drawn to each other.

The more I grow into my skin and mySELF, the more free I feel to be in my wildness.  The contained~ness of my Virgo self is releasing, opening, growing, expanding and with that, so is my land.   

{this is the tub she used to use beneath a shelter of grapevines.  mmm...i cannot stop envisioning how romantic i can create this space to bathe}

Just like with our upcoming ecourse, where Rain and I see ourselves as doulas, walking along side, not in front of, the sisters that will become part of that tribe, I feel the same way with my land.  I walk along side my land.  I will be open to what it has to teach me and together we will learn how to live and be together and birth wild and lush. 

I named our land Wild Fae.  ; )

dreamy sandbox*

My husband was inspired by this lovely sandbox with seats over at Ana White's website.​  She has so many brilliant ideas and its helpful that she lists the plans out to where they are easy to understand.

Him and Cedar stained it together.  I might have chosen a lighter color stain (white or natural) but my boys really dug the redwood color. I am beginning to love the contrast of the reddish stain against all of our lush green.​

He had the pieces cut for him at Home Depot and built it inside our living room this week while it rained outside.  So, you don't need a wood shop to do it!  Cedar is just a wee bit thrilled with it (as you can see) and we love that you can close it.  For us, that will keep away all the kitties in our neighborhood from using it as a litter box, which happened to our other sandbox. ; )  The handles on the back make it easy for Cedar to open and close it without hurting his wee fingers in between the wood slats.​  Now we have a fun spot for all the neighborhood kids to gather and create sandy worlds.

What I love most are the smudges of stain from Cedar helping to paint it.  The best!

Its just this year that Cedar is exploring sand with this skin and bare feet.  He wasn't able to tolerate that sensation for so long and with a beach a block down the street from our house, he was able to allow the sand onto his skin at a slow pace.​  Its so beautiful to see him just sink right in.

My dear husband used the scraps from the sandbox, as well as the handle of an old shovel and some wood from a vintage ironing board to create a Titanic for Cedar (below).  I will share in another blog post Cedar's connection to the Titanic.  Its so intriguing and needs a space all on its own to share.​

learning morsels of love*

"...the wind has a purpose - to rattle the window panes, disturb the cat and make me miss you..." ~ john geddes, a familiar rain

It has been a week where I have had no choice but to be fully in the moment with my deeply sensitive boy.  My husband has not been well and has been in and out of doctor visits, tests and scans.  He is surfacing and is closer to wellness but whether we tell our son details or choose to share lightly, Cedar feels it all regardless.  My sister has been unwell and in and out of the hospital too and had to postpone her visit out here for a few weeks.  Any kind of transition is so hard for him and add that to people he is deeply connected to being ill, well its been a highly emotional week. 

He channeled all of his love and ache into a furry little caterpillar that he found on our land.  He expressed that he wanted it for a pet and I explained to him why caterpillars need to be in the wild, for nourishment and for transformation (just like us!).  He asked if he could keep it for just one day, to make a pretty home for it, so that he could have it near and he could tell it stories.  "Just one day, mommy." ​So, we created a pretty home for it in a blue mason jar and he indeed held the jar and told his new soulmate caterpillar stories.  All Cedar every really wants is for his stories to be heard.  He has so many of them.

The next morning I sat him down and once again explained why we had to set the caterpillar free.  He understood but he ached deep and he cried for three hours, in my bosom, on the couch, outside on our porch...he sat there tears streaming down his face, speaking out to our plants and flowers, wherever the caterpillar now roamed and shared his feelings. "I miss you. Please come back."  It was heart wrenching to see his pain.  We talked about how deeply his love for this caterpillar was.  That it takes such courage and selflessness to set a loved one free when you know they will be happier and grow more moving on from you.  

I thought about when I left for Texas in my mid twenties and again for Santa Barbara in my late twenties and again and again... my gypsy travels and how it broke my parents heart for me to be far but also how they knew I needed it for growth, I needed to be set free to find myself, to connect to life around me.  I will never take for granted how selfless that was for my parents and the rest of my family (who loves to be near to one another and migrated together from back east to northern california in the 60's). I know one day I will have to move through the emotions of Cedar taking flight as well.   ​

​So Cedar learned such big morsels about love this week.  That it comes with letting go.  It comes with trust and surrender.  It comes with pain.  His daddy being unwell.  His auntie being unwell and having to change her trip.  His caterpillar needing to be set free.  Our sensitive boy felt the intensity of all of this in heaps of tears.  He even asked me to take photos of his tears so he would never forget.  Oh my!  

He and one of his dearest soul-friends chose ritual to work through it.  He drew the caterpillar some pictures.  He asked his nanny to help write the caterpillar a note and hung it near a lego home he built for it to sleep in at night on our porch so the caterpillar would stay warm. 

Then they whispered wishes into their hands and sent them off into the echoes of the wind.  Cedar said "For me, I wish you were here with me but for you, I wish you to be happy."  Sigh.

​{{good thing we are getting a puppy in a few weeks. ; )  more on that soon.  and my dear sweet parents sent cedar a caterpillar to butterfly kit...which will heal his heart so to witness the transformation process we shared with him!}}​