fae soul Under construction
my green smoothie, canon 50d ~ august break #13
Everything tastes better in a wine glass with a colorful straw. ; )
Ingredients:
Vanilla Rice Milk
Water
Frozen Pineapple
Frozen Mango
One orange
Frozen banana
Lots of fresh spinach
Flax seed oil
Dash of agave nectar
tantrum, august break #12
dearest cedar,
it must be so, so hard and frustrating to not be able to communicate what you so badly want to say to us in words but can't.
we will now and forever love you through all of these growing pains swirling around in your heart, soul & body.
love,
mommy and daddy
one year dreadiversary, canon 50d ~ august break #11
look at all the twisties, twirlies and bumpies (and i just noticed that i need more
beads on the other side. i rarely look at the back of my head!)
As of August 1st, my dreadies were one year old.
I took these photos for all of you yesterday...the day after I washed them. The few days following me washing my dreads, they have a lot of fly-aways and are a bit more fuzzy than usual. I thought it is still important that I photograph this part of the process. I always joke with my husband that I look like a wet dog during those few days. ; )
Sitting in that chair with the dread goddess, Stephanie at Akemi Salon feels like yesterday. It was such an emotionally full time for our wee family. The following day after getting my dreads in Portland, we went to visit Cedar's birth parents for the first time since birth. He was 9 months old. Perhaps some of you remember.
I felt so wrapped up on that day. My family and my lovelies sent me off to Portland with wishes and dreams and strength and courage. I was joined at the salon by my dear talented friend Amy Seeley, who sat on the vintage sienna couch near where Stephanie was twisting and knotting and infusing my hair with magic and faerie dust. Here we all are in this photo mid-way through the process...
Don't you just love Cedar's shell-shocked face? Like..."what the heckity heck is my mommy doing with her soft hair?" Later, Amy soothed Cedar with a private concert in her home, playing her piano and singing to us songs from her upcoming album. He was so crushed out. Especially when she let him sit on her lap and pound the piano keys. ; )
This journey has been so dear to my heart. It is obviously not just a hair-do to me and I think most people that go on a dread journey would say that. So much of the process of my hair beginning to dread on its own, paralleled my fertility journey. At first the strands were so tightly wound with expectations and then slowly, very very slowly, they began to unravel and unfurl and let go and loosen. Through it all there were so many fears of how they would turn out and disappointments. Finally I began to see it all clearly as each of them found a home on my head and I came to a place of acceptance and embraced the curves and bumps and fly-aways as part of the whole of what my dreadlocks are. The whole of what and who I am.
Journeys are messy and beautiful and full of being broken and put back together and rediscovering who we are and finding our center through it all.
Since I sat in that chair a dozen or more people connected via my blog or my friends have sat in Stephanie's chair and I received those panic emails after a month or two, just like the phone calls I made to Stephanie. "Are they supposed to look like this? Like a bag lady who hasn't washed her hair in months? What are these bumps? I have so many fly away strands! Are they coming undone?"
In her gentle voice, she would always respond to me..."Oh, they are so perfect, Denise. They are just where they need to be in this very moment." She is the Zen Priestess of Dreadlocks, that woman and totally gets the parallels of dreadlocks and life.
So I have embraced the idea of letting them do their dance. I don't do any maintenance myself. I don't crochet them. I don't put gel or wax on them and because of this, they are a bit wild and free where as those that tend to maintenance them on a daily basis have perfectly tight locks.
I did do maintenance once in Portland when I was there to support a friend...
jess, sara, me and steph at akemi salon after first maintenance appt.
I may go again next year to see Steph. I remember thinking I would want Stephanie to start from the beginning and tighten them up as they were that first day but when I sat down and looked at them in a new light and saw how teary and proud she was, I realized I loved them just as they were and she only did a few touch ups. Since then, I went to two other people, who were lovely women but it just wasn't the same spiritual experience and they ended up being too tight for me. But the photo I showed Stephanie when I sat in her chair that first day was of a woman that had loose, flowy locks with strands of hair free from the knots and very loose curly ends and long un-dreaded bangs. This is how Stephanie wore hers when she had them and she said those are her absolute favorite to create. I remember her response was "Oh you are so my girl!"
I do put smelly goods on them and conditioning sprays for the days where they feel a bit too dry. I wash them once a week, sometimes once every two weeks if I haven't been swimming or at the beach or getting dirty at all. I think because my hair is so thick and there is so much of it, that I am able to go longer without washing than those with thinner hair. My hair has always been like that growing up.
I will say the hardest part of this process for me has been how my scalp has responded. Since my hair is so, so heavy, the weight of the dreads irritate my scalp and has caused some flakeage. I also think I sometimes don't fully wash out my dread shampoo, which can add to the itching. This apparently is very typical and one way to help sooth is rubbing tea tree oil through the scalp or spraying it with peppermint spray.
Here are the products I use:
Knotty Boy Green Tea Conditioning Spray (to keep them soft and smelling fresh)
Knotty Boy Peppermint Cooling Moisture Spray (for itchies and irritated scalp)
Knotty Boy Dread Shampoo (this works better for my head than DreadHead shampoos or Dr. Bronners...but every head is unique).
I haven't yet gotten as creative with my hair as I had dreamed. Perhaps because I have a little toddler boy that holds my attention most of the day. But I would like to spend some time playing with up-do's and headbands and flowers and long strands of fabric/ribbon tied into my hair. I do wear beads all the time but I take them out at night because I can't sleep with them (most people leave them in). My beads come from all over the place online and from friends. If you do a search on Etsy for "dread beads", you will find so many handmade beauties. I also love the wooden flower beads at Knotty Boy. Etsy also has gorgeous hats for dreads if you do a search.
Well, I hope this helps as MANY of you have asked me to write about my dreads for months now and I wanted to wait until my One Year Dreadiversary to celebrate and answer them.
Here is another pic I took with my phone the other day before washing. You can see how they are a bit tighter than the images above.
If I haven't answered all of your questions, do ask in the comments and I will answer in the comment section as well.
Blessings on the journeys of all of you dreadies to be...xoxox
sitting at our table this morning, canon 50d ~ august break #10
...I am savoring oatmeal with bits of dried apricot.
Thinking about what to feed my boys tonight with something yummy from this book/website.
What are you doing and where are you writing from?
***************************
On another note, wanted to share a few fun videos from last night:...
Cedar's reaction to hearing Opera for the first time (he had been doing this for awhile but i caught the tail end of it):
Cedar getting lost in the jive (for some reason the sound shuts off at the end but you can still feel the music, if you know what i mean):
yummy local cafe, canon 50d ~ august break #9
Its amazing how much I can get done in just a few hours when I step away from my home environment. I have realized that I am unable to focus at home when it comes to work. To me, home represents all the things that need to get done around the house and the longing to be with Cedar when he calls up to me at the loft. A cafe represents a swirling of creative energy and intellectual conversations and gazing and dreaming. Cozying up to this brick wall yesterday was so what I needed. So was brainstorming with my dear friend in Ireland who was up late and juiced up with ideas for my site. I felt like she was sitting across from me.
If you could choose anyone to sit across from you at a cafe for a few hours...who would it be? It can be anyone you know or wish you could know.
self portrait, canon 50d, august break #8
I adore my dear friend Stacy's work:
"Vintage Inspired Jewelry.
Stamped with sweet and soulful sayings.
Designed to empower, encourage, heal and inspire."
~ stacy de la rosa
This is me wearing my custom made Bella Wish "Cedar" stamped silver pendant. He is our sweet and soulful *wish* come true.
i adorn my neck with his name.
my son. our wish come true.
we journeyed deep and wide to find him.
all while finding ourselves.
then he chose to arrive.
at a time most perfect for our hearts.
he knew when to come,
even though we longed for him so much earlier.
such a wise, gentle spirit.
{Do check out Stacy's other beautiful shop Adele's Attic. Yummy vintage treasures from her past.}
cedar on beach yesterday, august break #7, canon 50d
Uncertain about the feeling of waves about to crash up to his knees, he pulls his suit up and looks up at daddy. Wanting to be held, yet wanting to be brave. Seconds later, daddy scooped him up, whispering the message that it is perfectly okay to ask for help in your time of need.
me yesterday, august break #6, canon 50d
dreaming. writing. creating.
august break #5: daddy reading to him this morning, canon 50d
A week ago, we were watching a documentary about dinosaurs on the History Channel. Cedar was completely enamoured, even when over and over there were frightening Dinosaurs roaring at the screen with saliva dripping from their teeth. It frightened me more than Cedar. He just roared right back and clapped and twirled and made new Dino friends in his imaginary world.
So, yesterday we felt it was appropriate to take him to the Dinosaur exhibit at our local Natural History Museum. It was a blast. We let him lead the way and it was so fun following him around with the camera. Although, I forgot my BC (big camera) and had to settle for my phone and none of them turned out that well but I will post a few just for fun. He was pointing and squealing and even checking out the written descriptions on each creature. So fascinated and it was contagious.
My favorite part was when Cedar turned the corner on the top floor and saw the ginormous shark hanging from the ceiling. He pointed and screamed in an excited way and everyone around him laughed and joined his enthusiasm. This one sweet man strolling by him in a wheelchair looked at Boho Boy and said "that was the best reaction ever."
august break #4, canon 50d
Here I am this morning, drinking my yerba mate on our veranda with Elvis the kitty and Birgit the Mother in-Law.
Last night I had a dream that I rented my house out to my nieces and nephews. We all lived together and then I became a Zookeeper and took care of animals and then I was a teacher at a University and when I was walking out of the University, I saw a tsunami coming from the mountains down to us. I think that is when I woke up.
More mate please.
Tell me what you dreamed if you remember...
vintage dress, august break #2, canon 50d
I bought this dress when living in Berkeley at a really lovely consignment shop. I wish I remembered the name of the shop. It might not still be there but if it isn't, I am sure another funky yummy one is. Shopping in Berkeley was one of my favorite pastimes in my late twenties, early thirties. I was single. I was exploring. I was reconnecting with myself after being in a long, not so healthy relationship. I wasn't saving a penny. Not saying I am proud that I spent all of my money from that time in my life...but it was so fun! ; ) And my niece inherited all of my duds when I bought more and couldn't fit them in my teeny tiny studio closet. Needless to say, she was stoked.
I am much more frugal now. I also am more into soft organic type clothing rather than ruffles and lace and itchy fabrics. But I still so admire clothing and style and how one expresses themselves with what they wear. I'd like to say it is now more a passion rather than an obsession.
This one dress I kept among a few others that were just too pretty to give away. It has two parts: A silk slip and a sheer gauze overlay. Now it hangs on a vintage window up in the loft for pure eye candy every day and perhaps for me to put on during a photoshoot (which i did last year with Deb).
I know there will be a time when I may slip these types of clothes on more often but for now, I am so loving my loose, flowy, soft layers of cotton or hemp.
Here are a few of my fave shops that fill up my closet now: Texture Clothing, Treehouse28, Sweet Grass Fibers, Prana, Gaia Conceptions, Circle Creations, Sweet Skins
{texture clothing is giving a 20% discount to my blog readers. just add code: boho20 to your purchase}.
Cedar, 20 months ~ August Break #1
I decided to participate in my dear friend Susannah's August Break for three reasons: I love supporting her. I love community. I get to use my Big Camera every day!!
So I will be posting one photo a day on my blog, all through August. Some may have words. Some may just have the image itself. Images alone speak volumes, yes? This is perfect timing for me to use this as an excuse to bond with my BC (big camera). It will also free up some time for me to finish up a few projects. It will also invite you into the intimate moments of my every day.
All of your kind words about my images of Cedar in the last post really melted me deep. It is stirring up a passion within me to capture my life in a way that I haven't in a long while. So thank you. I am grateful for your encouragement and support.
My mother in law is coming tomorrow for a week! Perhaps I'll capture her without her knowing. Her eyes are stunning like my boys.
See you tomorrow. xo
ps. just added a few new sponsors on my sidebar! Texture Clothing is offering a 20% discount for my readers. make sure to use the code: boho20 when purchasing. i have a pair of her Posh Pants and they are AWESOME to the max.
i will still be answering your questions. i promise i haven't forgotten. its a years worth of writing material for me. ; )
I've been so lazy about getting what we call my "big camera" out to take photos of Cedar. I've been snapping sometimes hundreds of photos a day of him with my Palm Pre phone and sending them to family and friends. Its easier. Its practical. Its faster.
Although, today I realized how much I miss my big camera. Deeply miss this integral part of who I am. Lately I've been more into writing than this other part of my creative spirit. Today, it spilled open when I captured my son. Seeing him through my lens made me realize he is no longer a baby, really...but a boy.
I feel like something cracked open in me. Now I am beginning to look around me, again...and long to capture the romance that I see...in everything. I feel more willing to add extra weight to my bag. Now that my "boy" is more independent, there is more space to hold my other baby. The big camera baby that I cherish so.
Today, after clicking away, I paused and observed him as a boy and not a baby. I got a bit weepy. He noticed something different about mommy's eyes. They had water in them. I said "mommy is crying"...and he went over to the bookshelf and handed me this book. He's so connected.
Here are some Cedar-isms that are emerging lately...
i am a tree lovin' nerd
My friend Stacy and I sent one another a few VERY raw videos today. Raw meaning, just woken up, no make-up, scratching our head, interruptions from our kid, accidentally spitting on the screen while talking, showing one another our body bits that we oh so want to send love to right now and just keeping it real. It was so healing and it inspired me to finally download Skype so that I could connect with my lovelies more often this way. Been feeling a bit isolated lately and in chattering away to the laptop camera, changing subjects every few moments, just SO excited to be SHARING with her, I realized I feel a bit lonely for this connection.
Many of you have asked me where I am at with eating Vegan or flirting with the Kind Diet. I haven't yet been able to put it all into words because I am still in it, feeling it out, petting its hills and valleys, making love to new flavors and being kind to myself in the process. Re-learning a new way of taking it day by day. Not being so extreme. Creating a balance around my choices and allowing it to be a process, a journey and not so much a diet depriving myself of something I crave or need.
So, since I feel unable to be clear about it with all of you right now, I wanted to direct you over to Stacy's post. She expressed it all so much better than I ever could. I feel as though my heart is so in harmony with where hers is in all of this. She was the one who inspired me to get the Kind Diet book in the first place and encouraged me to try this approach because her and I are all about kindness and gentleness.
She and I always seem to be walking side by side when it comes to food. We even took a Raw cooking class together in Los Angeles. Tried the Blood Type Diet together and oh so many others. But this time this way of eating feels different for us. Not like something we're trying but something we're living and breathing and it sort of feels in a way how we felt when our babies finally came into our lives...like, "there you are!". It just makes sense. Okay, so maybe not as intense as when our babies came but you know what I mean. It just feels so aligned with our approach to love and connection.
So, how is my Vegan journey going? Ummm...what SHE said.
; )
Bonus Cedar photo :: I think he knows he is cute.
My husband took these tonight with his phone (man our new phones have crappy image quality). We were all snuggled up, eating raw, vegan lemon cheesecake (by Earth Cafe) and watching Dual Survival on Discovery. LOVE that show. Just discovered it. A hippie and a military dude both experts in survival (one very earthy, the other not so much) showing us how to survive in extreme settings. I feel like such a dude watching it.
And then I see these photos. I totally forgot to take off my apron after I made dinner.
Not really a dude...but totally a 50's domestic wifey. ; )
It's been so hot here lately...and my body doesn't respond well to extreme heat. But this morning is overcast and misty, with a cool breeze through the window. So, I sit here, breathing it all in...sweater over my pj's, hot steamy cup of yerba mate in hand. Centering myself for the day.
Its been a slightly intense week here for me, hence the quiet. Both Cedar and I caught the stomach flu on top of him about to cut two or three teeth (molars and pointies, not fun) and he's growing so fast that I can tell his legs ache and to top it off, he's had a few injuries. Then there is me, full or hormones as my cycle is about to begin and with all of this swirling around me, still wanting to connect with my intuition about how to love Cedar best and guide him towards kindness of self and others. This probably would have been any other week around here. Just life with a toddler. I just think being ill threw us off.
I have some deadlines for my website designer and no time to work on it. Boho Boy is putting so much of his energy in trying to build his database business so that we can move sooner rather than later to a place that we belong and where Cedar can connect deeper to nature. He is putting more hours in than usual. So, he called me this week, telling me he talked to our neighbor, who is a teacher at his school and one of the kindest women I have ever met. She wants to help me next week...to babysit Cedar a few hours a day so I can go to the cafe and get my work done. I completely feel safe with her. Her and her sister (who is a nurse and also our neighbor...score!) have both watched Cedar when he was an infant so that Boho Boy and I could go out on a date. I don't know why I didn't think of this myself. I love my husband for thinking of it for me.
I was chatting with a dear friend the other day. I admire how she nurtures her children and she has been a mother a lot longer than me. Because her and I are so much a like, I go to her often, among others in my life. During our chat, I felt like she gave me permission to admit that this age Cedar is at is hard (15 months - 21 months) and that at times, sanity can feel pretty wobbly. I cried when she said this because it is my truth. Its so many beautiful things but what makes it hard for me is that he cannot fully communicate to me what his needs are and I cannot fully communicate to him what mine are. We communicate in other ways but you know what I mean. I can tell his brain is ahead of his bod and his desires and he often gets frustrated that he cannot do or say what he wants to. For someone like me, who tends to be a fixer (like my husband) and a peace-maker, it goes against my nature to not be able to solve these things for Cedar. Because of this, it is a constant lesson and a practice in letting go and loving. I know each stages of our children's lives bring these lessons and there will be a constant exercise in releasing rather than resisting. We are being gentle with the process.
So, I welcome this time next week...to reconnect with my creative side and replenish so that I can be more present and patient.
I have a dread post coming up! I am just waiting to get some current photos of my hair down to share with you to go along with my words. My hair is always up right now and that is because I live with a toddler and if I wore it down, my locks would be full of food and snot and poo. ; )
So many of you asked about my dread journey and you're right...I haven't talked about it in a long while. Its time my locks get some attention and energy!
Affirmation for this weekend: I am enough. Cedar is enough. Boho Boy is enough. YOU are enough.
Blessings for your weekend. Om shanti.
Love,
Boho
ps. thank you all for contributing your thoughts on my parenting style post. i am learning so much from all of you and those things that make my heart sing are what i am going to marinate on for my own journey.
This really moved me today...I found it through a friend.
Deep breaths.
Patience.
Connecting.
Time...a lot of time.
Opening perspective.
Communication.
Recognizing needs...theirs and yours.
Exploring hearts.
Connecting, connecting, connecting to our children.
just started saying hello...
His current words are: Uh oh. Hello. Mumum. Dadadada.
hello lovelies out there in cyberyumland.
ohhh...i am feeling a wee under the weather this week and i have SO many delicious questions to answer that you have asked. although, what my mama intuition is telling me to do is rest when the babe is resting so that i can nourish myself back to feeling fully me again.
one of the questions quite of few of you asked, has me marinating and dreaming on how to spill and put it all into words: what is my parenting style. now THAT is a juicy nectar of a question.
i LOVE hearing other souls define how they parent and guide and teach little ones. so, over the next few days as i rest, can you share with me what your styles, dreams are for the wee ones in your life? i am not only speaking to parents, but caregivers of all types (grannies, aunties, friends of wee ones) and those that imagine having children someday and what they dream of being like as a parent. the beautiful, as well as the messy parts.
i know this can feel overwhelming to answer. i feel a bit of that too. so, even if you share one sentence, a poem, a vision, a teeny piece of the huge puzzle. i know so many would feel blessed by whatever you can share. i know i am always feeling blessed by your stories because i never claim to have the answers. i try my best to live each day open to the lessons of teaching and being taught. trying not to put anything into a box or a specific idea and allowing my experiences to guide and help me evolve. perhaps that is my answer. i will think more on it.
you share first...
cedar & me yesterday, after he played in a water park. he is looking up at a huge yellow hot air balloon in the sky and feels afraid.
today i come here with no ego after a week of restless nights and a barely sleeping, teething toddler with growing pains. a boy who is quickly discovering he is separate from me, from us and is exploring this without the ability to share it in words. his awe, his frustration, his wanting to absorb it all and yet come back to those quiet moments where a book will suffice. he wants so badly to not need me yet he needs me deeply.
one minute he is softly stroking my face and handing me his stuffed puppy to snuggle up close with him and the next minute he is throwing his book at me because he cannot express what he wants to. i was told this would happen. i've read about the phases and stages in both tender and clinical ways. but when it comes down to those moments of shock, its a bit of a mind mess, non? some more than others. some meaning after a whole week of not sleeping well, i feel stripped of the warrior goddess and instead am lying naked, vulnerable and weary.
there are moments of deep inner strength. there are moments of unraveling and tears. there are moments of clarity and there are moments of uncertainty. each day of his life is intense and beautiful and exhausting and confusing and heart shifting.
i shared this with a dear friend today. we exchanged ideas about how truly, we are not meant to raise our children alone. how our culture in America can at times send out a message that isolation is perfectly okay. that we can do it all and do it alone. i am grateful to have people in my life that think beyond those boundaries. that resonate with how other countries embrace the idea that it takes a village. it takes a tribe.
with all of this swirling around me, i read this sent to me by a soul friend that gets it:
he's so beautiful.
and he's yours...
this soul that came to your heart.
that grows in front of you.
every day... something new.
big laughter and smiles.
and tantrums and blow out poops.
curly sweet sweaty hair after a nap
cuddling into mamas boobs.
sitting with his frog legs, pulling books into his lap.
he's amazing...
and he's your baby.
it feels like you've always had him.
like- i don't remember you without him.
mmmmm...my heart swells and i find my strength in those words.
hey...my ego is stripped and i stand here shouting to the rooftops that i am totally cool with a village surrounding me right now. bring it on.
