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groovy grooves*

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groovy grooves.
self portrait today with phone {a photo i took for a dear friend that just got dreads and needed reassurance that bumps and grooves are an everyday part of them}

this is how my life feels right now.  a little bumpy and loopy and frayed.  this is why my dreadlocks parallel my life in a beautiful, messy way.  ; )

i am having a wee bit of computer issues.  hence...the lack of posting and spilling.  i recorded a long, heart soaked vlog for all of you today and when i replayed it, i sounded like i was sitting in a closet with cotton in my mouth.  i think i cried.  well, okay i admit, i DID cry because i really wanted you to hear it.  so i will try to share again what i felt inspired to share in that moment.  it might not look the same but it will be what is supposed to be sent out into the world, i must trust.

i've had two weeks of emotional upheavally days (yes, just made up that word) with sweet, dear cedar...and his deep need to express himself, along with his frustration that he is unable to do it fully with words.  so i shared about it in a very raw and vulnerable way on the vlog i recorded this morning while he was napping.  it felt so HEALING to get it out there and release.  then he woke up and was in such a soft, cuddly, present mood with me.  our day was pretty stellar.  i took him on a nature walk and there was so much connectedness between us.  i honestly believe it was because he could feel my release of worry for him and my trust in the process and his sensitive soul opened up more space for us.  when my husband came home tonight, i couldn't stop talking about our wonderful day (because for the last two weeks, he came home to a weepy, exhausted, emotional wife).

i thought i was losing it yesterday. today i felt so centered and present and patient and alive.  motherhood is beautiful lumpy bumpy ride, man...with lots and lots of groovy grooves.

i am posting the video anyways, for those of you that have earphones and can turn up your volume loud enough to perhaps gather a few words.  ; )  just so i don't feel it was completely for naught.

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staying connected*

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walk at balboa park
my boys, august break #30

Boho Boy walking.
Boho Baby skipping.

Last night after tucking Cedar into bed, we cuddled on the couch to finish this film.  Boho Boy's forearm has been in some pain from being a computer nerd-genius, so I grabbed some lavender oil and massaged it. I realized that it has been a long time since I have nurtured him in this way.  Our energies are so poured into our growing-by-the-second toddler, that at the end of the day, we can barely keep our eyes open.  It felt so good to be present with one another last night.  While rubbing the knots out of his arm, so many thoughts ran through my head:  I need to kiss him more, hug him more, stroke his hair, listen more intently...the way I did before Cedar came into our lives.  Between us, it has always been the small sentiments that brought us closer and deeper together.  Every single one of my friends that have young children are on this same journey of balancing energy towards your child, as well as your relationship.  I am so grateful Boho Boy and I are constantly communicating and reassuring, so that it doesn't escalate to those dark and scary waters of losing one another.  I am grateful that we are both patient with this process and don't have a lot of expectations right now.  Funny how something as simple as an arm massage will bring all of this to surface.  We have a romantic date planned soon.  A gift from my parents for our anniversary.  I am dreaming of finger foods, sangria, cushy couches and funky music.

Would love to hear how you stayed connected to your partner during the early days of parenting...

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beachy night*

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late evening on the beach
the bohos on the beach at night, taken with palm pre phone, august break #28

After dinner, we decided to take a drive to the beach so Cedar could walk/run/skip/jump off some of his energy.  It was really beautiful.  A bit foggy and lit up from the gorgeous resort that lined the sand.  The playground facing the ocean was a mysterious place for the older kids to be in the dark.  Cedar was so totally brave.  After the slide and swinging him a bit we walked through the sand to the shore together.  Cedar was up top on daddy's shoulders and I lifted up my hemp pants.  We walked closer to the shallow waters while the small waves crashed over our feet.  In the dark.  There is something so sexy about the beach at night.  Boho Boy and I were suddenly filled with this childlike joy.  Feeling gratefulness that we live in such a beautiful place but also aware of a knowing that we are ready to venture out to different shores soon.  I felt like last night we were paying homage to our time here.  We could see the cliff in the distance where we stood and made our vows in 2004 on our wedding day. It was such a surreal moment.

We live inland and sometimes we can get so wrapped up into our worlds that we don't take the time to go to the beach.  Its only a few freeways away...a 20 minute drive, if that.  We talked about visiting the beach after dinner once a week until we move.  It shifts things.  There is magic in those waters and the moon goddess reflecting her curves in the water. I've been in such a place of longing to create a home elsewhere and I think this is one way to keep me in a space of gratefulness for what surrounds me...even if it doesn't feel like home to me.

I had Boho Boy snap a photo of us to document this moment.  First time using the flash on my phone (I never use flash...ever ever).  Its not the most fantastic photo of us but I still love it.  We need more family photos taken.  Perhaps I can get creative with the timer.

I wanted to thank you for your Brave Stories in my previous post.  I have been brought to tears and so humbly honored that some of you shared such sacred, private moments with me and my readers.  I know it is so very freeing, releasing those moments out into the world and celebrating your bravery.

{not sure if any of you know this but i am supposed to be wearing glasses all the time.  i lost them a while ago and got lazy about bringing myself to the eye doctor.  i finally found my specs, yet it was still hard to remember putting them on.  i suppose i got used to seeing a world that wasn't super sharp and clear.  but last night i remembered and boho boy told me a handful of times how sexy i looked so that's all it takes!!!!  OKAY.  i'll wear them now.  *wink*}

brave moment*

self portrait
self portrait, canon 50d ~ august break #27

Today I was reminded of a brave moment in my life.

In my mid-twenties, a girlfriend of mine took me to Napa for my birthday. As we were sitting on a blanket in the grass, sipping wine and eating cheese, we noticed a wooden stage in the middle of wide open space of the grass. People were laying and sitting around it, doing much of what her and I were doing. She giggled a bit into her wine glass and wore a mischievous grin. "I dare you to get up on that stage and recite a poem."  I sat and thought for a moment.  Then, to her surprise, I got up and walked over to the stage, hearing her "oh. my. gosh." behind me.

I stood up on that stage and took a deep breath and shouted "Sonnet 24 by William Shakespeare!!" It got most everyone's attention and the words started pouring out of me...with my arms throwing about and a deeper tone to my voice:

Mine eye hath play'd the painter and hath stell'd
Thy beauty's form in table of my heart;
My body is the frame wherein 'tis held,
And perspective it is the painter's art.
For through the painter must you see his skill,
To find where your true image pictured lies;
Which in my bosom's shop is hanging still,
That hath his windows glazed with thine eyes.
Now see what good turns eyes for eyes have done:
Mine eyes have drawn thy shape, and thine for me
Are windows to my breast, where-through the sun
Delights to peep, to gaze therein on thee;
Yet eyes this cunning want to grace their art;
They draw but what they see, know not the heart.

I know...I know...a wee bit mad, right?  I'll never forget that moment.  I bowed to the enthusiastic claps, high fives and whispers and I believe I said something along the lines of "Happy Birthday Me!" while stepping off the stage  ; )  It made my friends day.  In a way, it made my life.  Liquid courage, I suppose.

I would love to hear about one of your brave moments...doing something you never thought you would or always wanted and did.

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pure self love*

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my sister's mirror
me & cedar in my sister's mirror, canon 50d ~ august break #26

You can see all the fingerprint and lip marks on the bottom half of the mirror.  Those are from Cedar...chatting with himself, kissing himself, smiling at himself.  I sat back and watched him in awe.  So totally embracing his reflection and not at all tainted with expectations of how he should look or be.  Pure self love.  As though he was saying..."Hi Me...I love you JUST as you are!"

These are the teachable moments I am so grateful for.

Anne of Green Gables-ish*

family walk in the orchard
cedar, uncle jj, marmie, daddy & auntie dd, canon 50d ~ august break #25

On my parent's 50th Anniversary, we went for a long walk in my sister's almond orchard. Both Darlene and her husband Jay were walking us through the life of an almond and the process of nurturing and getting them ready for picking. I walked behind all of them the whole time with my Big Camera. It gave me an opportunity to see them together in a line, side by side, stepping in unison...while Cedar ran in and out of their legs and squatted down to pick something up and throw it and then get up again. It felt a bit Anne of Green Gables-ish...and I soaked in every moment, knowing many of us are unable to experience moments like these with our family.

My heart ached to give a life like this to Cedar. To wake up every morning like we did while there last week when everyone was still sleeping and walk through these glorious trees together...just him and me. I had a warm steamy mug in my hand and he pulled his wagon with stuffed animals down lane after lane. The air was still crisp and our pajamas were getting dusty and the birds were serenading us. Oh how I could get used to seeing his glee and connection to mother nature. His cheeks were rosy and he slept deep during his naps and at night.

Boho Boy grew up like this in Canada...around acres of land and a magical faerie forest of all types of trees with a bridge to a river. I know it is interwoven into his soul and he so badly wants this for Cedar. So, we have plans and coming home from this trip our plans will unfold sooner rather than later. Our goal is to move either after the holidays or no later than before summer begins. The Pacific Northwest is calling us and at first we will live either downtown or closer to the city...for a year, to get to know folks, be a bit social and get acquainted with our surroundings. Then we hope to move to the country somewhere, somehow...perhaps be the home where all our family and friends come for nurture, expression and love. With all of this said, I am doing my best to let go of any of these expectations and live in the moment where I am here. To find places and ways for Cedar to roam and express himself and release the pent up energies that toddlers hold inside. Our third floor little loft home in the city is not really conducive to this, so mommy needs to get creative.

So my practice this week is to take deep breaths and be present in the moment and trust.

I was unable to get to yesterday's August Break photo, so here it is: Grandmarmie, Vu Vu & Cedar sitting on the window bench my daddy made for my sister. He does such beautiful work!

grandmarmie, vu vu & cedar
august break #24

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froggie pack*

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loving his new froggie pack
cedar and his new froggie pack from auntie dd,  taken with palm pre phone (august break #23)

daddy & cedar at the airport
meeting daddy at our home airport, taken with palm pre phone

My sister got a pass to help me through security at the airport today. I need help because Cedar has suddenly become SO active and isn't a fan of sitting still in wide open spaces. : ) So holding onto him while taking off my shoes, his shoes, my backpack, his backpack and pulling out all the liquids is so totally impossible when he wants to run off. This is why we use the monkey backpack leash. I know people have opinions about it and I can have compassion for their aversion to it but oh my gosh, what would I do without it? He would run off in an instant and I would lose him and be a total mommy wreck. Besides, the idea of a monkey hugging him brings him massive amounts of delight. At this stage, it has saved our lives and sanity, since I travel alone with him a lot. I do wonder if those people that have opinions about these leash backpacks have had a very active toddler that won't let you carry them in slings or packs, hold them, hold your hand or sit in a stroller while in crowded spaces. Bless the hearts of anyone that can handle it better than I can.

So, after Darlene and I got through all the liquid testing and padding down of security, we saw these adorable stuffed animal fuzzy backpack rolly thingies in the window of one of the airport shops. So, of course Auntie DD had to go check them out and Cedar immediately started pulling one of them around the shop. He's all about pulling wagons with stuffed animals inside, so a stuffed animal he can pull was absolute bliss.

He proudly walked around the airport with his new froggie pack and monkey on his back. Everyone laughed and smiled and while getting on the airplane, Cedar kept stopping and pointing to his new froggie pack, showing all the folks in the aisle seats. It was awesome.  Thank you, Auntie DD...score!!!

The moment he saw daddy coming towards him when we arrived at our home airport, rather than hug him, he pointed to his new froggie pack to show it off.  It was hilarious and so fun to see Boho Boy totally get the excitement about it.

Here is a video of Cedar pretending to talk on the phone on our iPod Touch, while mid-flight home:

50th Anniversary.

50th Anniversary_1
50 years, canon 50d ~ august break #20

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50th Anniversary_2
my marmie & daddy, canon 50d

In 1960 a beautiful red-headed French Canadian woman married a dark and handsome Portuguese man. That is when the story of our family began.

My throat felt a lump when I was taking these photos today. They are still so in love and were acting like giddy young kids all crushed out. I am so inspired. Look at them! Just writing this I feel teary.

This type of love and commitment is so real. Its not easy. It has hills and valleys and bumps and flatness and waves and highs and bliss. Their layers of love runs so deep and my faith in romantic love has always been so solid because of this. No matter how hurt or disillusioned I felt at times in the past, I never gave up on the idea that love like this could last.

I love you marmie and daddy. You are the perfect parents for us. We celebrate your love story today.

50 years!!!  Oh my goodness...

old woman in cafe
woman in a cafe, canon 50d ~ august break #18

Waiting for my friend in the cafe, I couldn't help but gaze at this older woman. She was so chic and comfy in her skin. Her darling hat and gorgeous scarf and piercing blue eyes had me. A few times her eyes would linger over at me, peering over the top of her cup.  They sparkled and smiled.  No one met her there.  She just sat alone, sometimes people watching, mostly reading.  I wondered if this was a place her and her love would meet and now her purse sat where he/she once did.  I imagined she has traveled the world, been on safari, lived in Paris.  She had that richness about her.  It was so tempting to sit in the chair near here and ask a thousand questions.  I can see myself in her years from now.  I wonder if she saw herself in me.

I thought it would be fun for some of you to make up a story about her life.  Who you think she was and the places she went and the people she met...

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waiting her arrival*

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waiting.
waiting, canon 50d ~ august break #17

This past weekend I met my girlfriend who was in town for a morning date at a coffeehouse in Little Italy. One of my absolute favorite streets where I live. I left the house extra early so I could sit in my favorite corner and romantically watch all the passersby. I took so many deep breaths. It has been so, so long since I have communed with a girlfriend like this, without interruption from a sweet babe tugging at my elbow or putting a book in my lap or, well...some of you know what I am saying. Since in conversation, I have always been so present with the other person my whole life, I find it hard to juggle my child and my friend. Jess is the same way, so her and I sat across from one another, arms and hands entangled and sometimes just starred at one another in awe that this was even happening. There were some quiet moments of breathing it all in and together watching people walk by...completely honoring that both of us rarely get alone time too. All of my close friends live far from me, so when I am with them, I soak up every morsel.

I am marinating in the idea of creating more time with my girlfriends like this. Planning trips to be with them, asking them to come to me. I left feeling so completely renewed. Windows down, wind in my dreads and ready to go hold my boys at home.

It was good. So, so good.

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my Mr. Kroon*

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us on the beach
us on the beach, canon 50d ~ august break #14

Six years ago today, I married you on a cliff, with crashing waves below (and two nuns in their habits that decided to stop, sit and watch amongst our family, friends and passers by).

I remember waking up that morning snuggled up to one of my girlfriends in the loft and my other friend running up to us from the master bedroom downstairs and all of us giggling and them asking if I was nervous. I remember not feeling an ounce of nervousness and I thought that spoke volumes. I was just so certain and all I felt was ready.

You had gotten up really early and went swimming in the ocean with your brother. Then you spent the majority of the morning helping to decorate our wedding site. You knew it was important to me that it was just as we had envisioned. A garden faerie wedding. I heard from everyone that you worked so, so hard and kept everyone laughing. I asked you if you had wished you got a massage or did more swimming or kayaking or playing with your friends.  You told me you didn't want to be anywhere else.  How many men would do this on their wedding day?

One of the most special moments to me was when after a long, gorgeous, dreamy wedding day, we were in our honeymoon suite by the sea and there I was laying with my white lingerie on the bed and you stood in front of me with your khaki linen pants and your white linen shirt unbuttoned and your eyes filled with tears, telling me I was so beautiful. Tears fell from my eyes because I knew you were not just speaking of my outward beauty. I pulled you down and we held one another and cried a bit and I felt my heart take flight. I didn't know what I did to have a man like you in my life. A man that can be a bit private with his emotions to others, yet from day one, freely allowed me to explore so deep into the layers of who you are.

Today, six years later, we are constantly exploring. Just last night we made sure to talk through some emotional terrain in a way that opened up doors to one another rather than close them. These times create even more space for you and our love in my heart. Spaces I didn't know were there but must have always been reserved just for you.

Happy Anniversary.

I love you, my Mr. Kroon.