me...baking?

I never thought I would enjoy baking. Being born with Celiac, gluten free baked goods as a child were not ready available to me and if they were, they tasted like sawdust. So, I grew to not have cravings for things like cakes and cookies, muffins and pies. I didn't have a deep desire to bake...ever...until now. Now that my son is old enough to stand on a stool and help me stir the batter and to squat with him in front of the oven with the light on to watch them expand and then to see his pride when he takes his first bite, into the muffin he helped make. Well, it adds a whole new life to the world of baking for me. Now that we are all fortunate that grocery/health food stores carry gluten free goodies, it makes it a bit easier for newbies like me who want to put on the apron and play. The muffins above are made from Pamela's Baking & Pancake Mix. I added half a banana (mushed) and thinly diced zucchini and carrot to the muffin recipe. It is moist and divine and a great way to nourish my boy with veggies snuck in. I replace sugar with local honey and it doesn't need much. YUM.

Living here, I feel inspired again in so many ways. I feel connected to nature in a way that I haven't felt in so long. I am deeply grateful when I wake up in the morning that we are able to offer Cedar a whole new world. As he discovers, we rediscover.

how we spent the 4th*

snuggled with my niece angela and her fiance jon in the morning before they headed back home to san francisco. what a magical and emotional engagement photo session with them. i am still coasting on the sweetness and so grateful i was a wee part in their new journey. in this photo, cedar was doing what he does with his charming, quirky ways. ; )

after they left, cedar and i went down to the bay near our home and watched birds walking on the mossy mud that blankets the bay when the tide is really low.

my boys and i decided to spent a few hours in fairhaven at a bookstore, eating ice cream cones and then hanging out behind the bookstore with a few of cedar's new trains.

here he is chilling out on the brick floor resting in between choo choo train fun.

here are my boys walking down to the water to light a few fireworks. i haven't done this since i was young. it will be cedar's first time seeing it this close.  yes, that is a sasquatch (yeti) on carsten's hemp hoodie.  both of my boys are obsessed with sasquatch.  cedar now has a sasquatch call that he does when we are in the forest.  awesome. ; )

cedar gasped and talked about the stars shooting in the sky all night long.

mmmmmagic.

violin and guitar*

Just wanted to share with you a sweet moment with Cedar and his play tools. This is actually a daily passion of his. Turning whatever he is playing with into an instrument when the inspiration nudges. One of my favorite things is walking into the room when he doesn't know I am there and he is closing his eyes, strumming an air guitar really slowly and swaying his head. Totally in his own little zone. He reminds me to pause and go to what feels nourishing when I need to.

welcoming in july*

The rain is now a mist. The sun stretching its rays above us. Flowers we never knew we had are beginning to bloom around our home. I've paddled a Canoe. Cedar has fished with his daddy. Marybeth (seen with basket above) nourishes us with strawberries at the park. We painted a picnic table for our back yard a gorgeous turquoise while Cedar was napping. We also drank root beer floats that day. My neighbor lets me come over and pick flowers to put in my mason jars. She has an enchanting garden. A witch once lived in her house. I think it was cast with a garden spell. I found a gorgeous antique cabinet for my tinctures and nature medicine. We sleep in and stay up late. My niece is coming tomorrow with her fiance. I am taking engagement photos of them. I plan on doing one downtown with a vintage bike and ice cream cones. My new favorite flavor of ice cream is licorice and orange. Cedar is awesome at balancing himself on big logs laying on the ground. He also stands on boulders and pretends its a stage. I am trying to hoola hoop but cannot keep it on my waist. I am being patient. I am rarely on the computer. My life has completely shifted. I am craving quiet and peace and solitude in nature. I am feeling God. I want to sit with the Dalai Lama. I wish I could walk with Buddha. I am having conversations with Jesus. I am resting on Mother Earth. I am crying with Father Sky. I am bleeding with Sister Moon. I am listening to and honoring my needs. I am navigating my way through parenting while trying to stay aware of my projections and Cedar's heart and needs. I am in awe of how funny both of my boys are. I am just BE-ing...simmering...slowing...releasing...recreating...remembering...me.

and...HAPPY CANADA DAY!!

happy birthday, boho boy*

You are my knight.

41 looks soooo sexy on you. ; )

nature's medicine*

I have stinging nettles in my back yard (and some in my front...oh and on the side!).

They grow here without me needing to plant them. They are REALLY good for you.  Nature's medicine!  They also hurt like mad if you touch them a certain way.  One day when we first moved here, my boys and I were on a hike and we went off the beaten path and I fell into a patch.  I was shocked at the instant, harsh burning on my legs and arms...then the deep itch that felt it couldn't be itched.  Then the many swollen bumps. Then the achy numbness for a few days.  I will admit, right when it happened, I cried like a baby.  I am totally okay admitting that.  ; ) Because of  my physical reaction, I stayed away from my nettles for a few weeks...even though I was hearing of friends making soups and teas and intentionally touching them to feel the sting, to build an immunity, to listen to the pain and connect to it...or to help soothe their arthritis.  I felt stubborn for a bit.  I was actually a bit angry with this plant.   It hurt me!  Although when I would walk outside, I felt a pull to them.  I would stare at them for a long while...and watch them sway in the wind.  I felt like my fear of them was teaching me something.  That there are always messages in the pain.  Messages we need to hear in order to grow.  The pain does not come from the root.  Am I rooted?

I decided to get up close.  I studied them.  I felt less afraid.  I knew they were fierce plants and in their fierceness, offered medicine that we needed.  I went back to the house and grabbed my basket.  And my gloves.  I can still receive their medicine, with a bit of a boundary to protect myself.  I still felt the sting but ever so lightly and just enough to connect to that pain.  To feel alive.  To help remind me that so much wisdom comes from pain.  I talked with them when picking each one.  I thanked them for what they had to offer.  I got a sense that they softened towards me.  That they felt understood.  In those moments, I truly felt the heartbeat of life from the earth.  Those moments of clarity and connection that come to us when we are quiet in nature, away from the noise.  I want more of those.

I dried some leaves for tea.  I used the raw ones for a soup.  The soup tasted like pureed artichoke dipped in butter with a dash of salt.  Yummmm.   I used this recipe but I substituted blended soft tofu in place of heavy cream and nonfat greek yogurt in place of sour cream.  I also included crushed garlic along with the onions when sauteing in the beginning.

I am so grateful that being here, surrounded by so much lushness, has me connecting deeper to what nature offers us beyond just solace.  I am so inspired by Susun Weed these days...among a few others in my life, that take care of themselves and those they love with what  comes from the earth:  Nature's medicine cabinet of  healing and love.  Its in my back yard!   Mmmmm.

my wild child*

I think we made a good choice with this move, non? ; ) Look at him. Oh how I adore this wild child.

I have many posts to come. So much inner stuff going on that I would love to process in this space. But I do notice that living here, spending more time as a family, being outside most of the day and watching Cedar thrive...has taught me the essence of truly LIVE-ing. I am walking, breathing, feeling, BEing...more in the moment, you know?

I have less time to sit and process because of all this. Not to mention, Cedar seems to no longer need his two hour daytime nap. Ohmygosh! Talk about an adjustment for mama. That was always MY space to blog or clean or process. Now by the time he is indeed ready for bed, we are all under the spell of a nature drunk exhausted feeling.

But I miss being here. I miss sharing more of my life here. I know I am still in a space of getting settled and finding my way but I am writing this post as another way of reminding myself how important this space is to me. To my family. To my heart. To my journey.

I feel so much peeling and healing going on. Also so many new layers of elements I am not used to and trying to find my center with. This I will share soon.

Until then...perhaps you can try to bottle up his joy from this screen and drink it like a tincture. I know I will.

my first love*

my father in this early twenties

I have many beautiful memories with my father. Some of my most favorite with him are out in nature. He loved to go camping and we did this as a family every single summer in the redwoods of Northern California. He would take his three girls out on hikes for hours. We'd collect rocks and sticks to bring back to camp. We'd go creek walking and he'd hold our hands so we wouldn't slip. Sometimes when life feels overwhelming and I need to lay down and take deep breaths and find my calm, I will go to that place with my father. The hikes him and I would take alone where there would be silence because nothing needed to be said. Bringing to the trails the comfort we had with one another. The crunching beneath our feet, the sounds of the creek beside us, the wisp of the trees above, breathing in the smell of redwoods in unison. Quiet glances. Knowing. Protection. I often go back there and I know he does too. I love him to the depths and when I spoke with him this morning and we were hanging up, I could sense and hear the crack in our voices. We just want to be together today. But I am grateful. I am grateful that we hold these memories together. I searched this morning for this photo of him. I had to go out in our garage and forage through our boxes. I cried when I finally found it. There he is. That was him. His thick black curls laying on his forehead. His high shiny cheekbones. His pearly beautiful smile. His gut laughter. His dark skin that smelled of campfire. Such a beautiful man then and now. I love it when people say I look like my father. I always loved it...even though I was a girl. I was proud to carry his features. And I am proud to carry him in my heart. My first love.

What are you favorite memories with your father?

permission*

me, our picnic table we just painted and our buttercups

I have carried all of your comments on my previous post with me over the last few days.  They have been so healing for me.  So empowering.  In many ways.  A few days ago, we were needing to pick up some ingredients for dinner.  I had remembered there was a Wednesday farmers market down the street that we had yet to go to.  I wanted us to stop there first to get some greens.  We had no idea that there would be music there.  When on the way, I felt a bit rushed about getting groceries and heading back home to cook dinner but getting out of the car and hearing that acoustic guitar shifted things for me.  So did seeing a bunch of people laying on the grass.  I suggested we pause and just hang out for a while.  So my mother in law went into the bookstore and me and my boys laid on the grass.  I took a deep breath and slowly looked around at my new town folk and all of the tents full of art and earth and eco-love.  As the singer strummed her guitar and my son crawled into my lap and began swaying, I couldn't hold back the tears behind my huge vintage sunglasses.  I tried to tighten my chest to stop the tears but then I remembered all of your comments.  I let the tears flow.  Boho Boy sat down near me with some indian food and he took one look at me wiping beneath my glasses and knew. "Are you happy, honey?" he asked me.  I said "Yes. I am. Happy." The rest of the time we sat there in silence and together as a family, just allowed this moment to Be.

Thank you all for giving me permission to revel in this space we are in.

Below is a video of that time together.  I stepped back to record Cedar dancing to the woman playing guitar.  As soon as I pressed record, he stopped dancing but instead, I ended up capturing a really sweet, intimate moment between him and Boho Boy.  A moment that brought on the tears for him too, under his sunglasses.  I think you'll be able to feel it too.

reconnecting with a happier me*

I am sitting on our big cushy white bed upstairs while Cedar takes a nap beside me. My mother in law is coming tomorrow. I have so much to do to prepare for her stay. I get into that zone before company comes. I want it all to be nourishing and healing and home for them. I tend to stress myself out with preparation. I tend to not answer phone calls or emails the few days leading up to it. I get so focused! And then when company finally arrives, I relax into them and all the things I worried or stressed about don't seem to really matter as much as BEing with the person. I know this about myself. Yet I do it every. single. time.

Last month my days were full of settling in. Full of exploration. Of connecting with nature. Of breathing again. Using my body more since it was feeling so much better. It was full of my boys and me connecting on a level that we were unable to for a long while. We moved slower and more mindfully and remembered what it was like to LIVE in the moment.

The next few months will be full of company coming and going. Of sunshine beginning to pour in and around these parts that is GOLDEN and cherished and barely a one person stays inside.

Because of all of this, I know I have not been and may not be here on my blog much. I am really trying to look at that. So just a few minutes ago, when Boho Boy came into the bedroom to check on me and Cedar, he must have noticed I needed something because he got on his knees and laid against the bed for a little whisper chat. I confessed to him that I was feeling hesitant to share my life here, on my blog. We explored it a bit.  It helped me come here and begin to write.

What surfaced for me is that I feel really sensitive about sharing my life when I am in a truly content space. I have been on the other side of this content space so often when at times, seeing other people's happiness turned the mirror on me and what I was so longing for in my life. A dear friend of mine wrote a post a bit ago about those emotions we go through when reading another person's blog that is always about how awesome their life is and how that can really trigger the hard stuff inside of us. I immediately sent her an email and asked if my blog right now was one of the blogs that caused her to turn away.  My blog has somewhat been full of happy lately, right?  I joked with her that I am sure it is ANNOYING and that drama is coming because I am NOT used to long periods of non-suffering, so it is bound to happen soon. She giggled and reassured me it wasn't my blog she was referring to but still...I found my knee jerk concern curious. So I AM self conscious about my happiness and how it affects others. For so long I have been in a space of longing. Whether it was longing for a baby or longing for a healthier body or longing to move outside of my third floor condo/loft and provide a life closer to nature for our son. Now that I am IN my dream and living it and truly IN it...I do find myself, because I am a compassionate person, not wanting to cause discomfort to those that come here. This is all a subconscious thing that I am just now becoming aware of and forgive me for not sounding articulate about it because I am working it out, stream of conscious, on this page. Just keeping it real...as always. ; )

I feel very cared for in this space. I feel like somehow, over the years, it has become a healing circle not only for me but for those that come here. With that said, I feel so certain that those who come here never enjoyed seeing me suffer.  I know that many of you are indeed happy for me and celebrate that we have finally moved into a more healing space for our family. Yet I am still so tender about it. So many beautiful things have transpired over the past few months that I have hesitated to share here as a way to protect some of you from being triggered. I know its not my responsibility. I know its your stuff. I have my stuff, you have your stuff and we are all responsible for our own stuff. I get that. But darn-it, I am a sensitive gal...and I care about people's feelings.

I realize this is my blog. I realize I truly write it for me and for my son someday to witness his life. But the reality is, many people come here daily and I am aware of that fact and am unable to ignore that energy.

I am not writing this with a wise, sage answer at the end. I am still working through it. To be honest, I am not used to being this happy.   I mean, yes...there have been some rough moments here and there but because I am feeling a deeper peace and a clearer mind, I notice it tends to work itself out or perhaps matter less when I am laying in my own field of buttercups.  Perhaps it is ME that needs to become comfortable with happiness and learn how to express a happier me here in this space.

My sister texted me yesterday telling me "I love you. Do you know that?" and I responded to her..."I feel your love every single day. Do you feel mine? I am harvesting nettles in my back yard right now for tea and tinctures and soup. I kindof love my life." My family knows how we have suffered. My family now celebrates in our happiness.  I didn't feel guilt when I pressed send on that text to my sis.  I just think I now need to trust that within my blog family too.

where i have been. who i have been with.

dar & me

marybeth, me, emme, darlene

I have stories waiting to come to life on this page but for now, while Dar and her love are still in our home, I will share these images. They say so much. It is so good to BE with people now that have been with me before and they all see the softer steps and deeper breaths and breezy calm. They see that I am truly home.

The first image...Dar and I were laying on my floor pillows, after a bit of heart-full raw sharing and once our tears were wiped, we sunk into one another and Cedar laid across Dar's belly for a while and thank goodness her phone was on hand to capture this real moment. Oh my heart is full.

The second image...dear beautiful soul friends sitting on my buttercups underneath our apple tree and sharing what keeps us living and breathing and creating from our truth.

{photos taken by dar with her iPhone}

***************************************************************************

Winner of GIVEaway: {email me at denise@bohophoto.com! lovely leigh...so excited for you.}

wisdom listens*

cedar and me walking a trail at maple falls

I was walking Cedar down to the water in our neighborhood the other day and I saw on a bumpersticker stuck to the back of a funky old truck "Knowledge Speaks but Wisdom Listens" ~ Jimi Hendrix.

For gals like me that can be far more fumbly with the spoken word than the written word, it moved through me like home. It reminded me that I don't always have to fill a space with words and that silence can speak volumes. It reminded me that energy in a room can say so much and so can touch and just simply being in a space to prefer listening. We all share ourselves differently and the exchange of thoughts and feeling can be expressed in so many ways. Throughout my life, I have been told I have a quiet strength in person. I was never quite sure how to receive that, coming from a very expressive family, until my eyes lingered on this quote.

Give yourself permission to not have to fill a space with words. Curious what that freedom will offer you and what wisdom will come from you or to you.

sponsor GIVEaway*

Rosemarie Dress

I have a good story. Last December, in one of my blog posts, I had linked to my red dress (wearing it here and here) from Horny Toad that I bought at our local REI. A few weeks later, I received a warm and kind email from one of the staff members of Horny Toad. She had researched hits to their site and found many were coming from my blog. She then read through my blog for a while and decided to reach out to me. We exchanged a few emails and with all the love spread around, Horny Toad became one of my sponsors. Stephanie is such a cool gal and I hope to hug her in the flesh someday soon as she too lives in the Pacific Northwest.

We decided that we wanted to extend the gratitude towards my readers by doing a giveaway!  We are giving away one Rosemarie Dress (same style as my red one but with shorter sleeves for Summer!).  The winner will be able to choose which color/size they want (black, green, melon or yellow).  It would be a wonderful treat for yourself or the perfect gift for a loved one.  This fabric is sooooo silky to the touch and it lays fluidly on my curves in the perfect way (not too loose, not too snug) and my favorite feature is the empire waist.  So flattering!

Here is the description on the site:

"A dress so nice we named it twice. The seemingly simple yet downright sexy Rose Marie has the kind of versatility other dresses only dream of. It breathes and moves and follows your curves. It dresses up and dresses down and flatters for days with a graceful V-neck, doubled fabric bodice, horizontal bust pleats, and an empire seam that flows into a soft, A-line drape."

Okay, so onto the rules:

• One comment per person, please
• Comment can be one word or many...whatever inspires you
• Comments will be closed on Thursday, June 3rd at 10pm PST
• Winner will be chosen at Random.org

Weeeeee!

curls*

dear cedar curls ~ i hope you forever stay on his head. spiral-ly and loopy and divine. i will not cut you all off. i cannot do it. unless cedar wants me to.

love, boho girl mama

life in the pacific northwest*

[gallery] i can't believe how full my days are here. with a backyard (haven't had one in 10 years) and the forest and ocean, trails and creeks surrounding us, most of the hours of our days are spent outside. we come in for potty, snack, meals and sleeping. and because it stays light so late here, we are all going to bed VERY late and waking up VERY late. there was a time when we had a schedule and it worked for us but right now, we are just going with the flow. sort of like when you're on vacation and all of the schedules and must-do's aren't gripping you. you feel free and you just move with what feels right. i wonder if it will stay like this for a long time, this feeling. or i wonder if we will somehow fall into a rhythm with our days. for now, i am not questioning. i am just soaking all of this up like a thirsty sponge.

do these images whisper what it is i am feeling?

{yummy clothing giveaway coming soon}

the language of my heart*

I think I've been quiet here because I've been in a space of observing and listening. I suppose I feel a bit awed. Okay, a lot awed by our surroundings. Including what goes on inside of my home and the intimacy I am feeling with my boys. Right now Cedar is sleeping on our couch near me in a ball of sunlight shining through our window. I can see the shadows of dragonfly lights that we have hung on our windows on his face. Cedar has never slept anywhere but his bed or our bed. There is a peace dwelling here that we have not felt in so long.

Yesterday we took a trail that is a few streets down in our neighborhood. It led us to an old farm that sits up on a tall hill overlooking the bay and an island and the mountains. We laid out a blanket. We ate. We did more breathing and listening than talking. Our bodies were close. We held one another. Boho Boy's hand reached for mine if Cedar was between us. I write this with a tear in my eye. So much healing. We've had a rough few years. I can feel it slowly melting, walls peeling and a soft underbelly feeling less afraid to exist without so much protectiveness.

The home we are in is so special. The old man that lived here before us left a legacy it seems. Our neighbors talk of him fondly and it warms my heart that they are embracing us in this home. It seems they were waiting for people to live within these walls that captured the spirit of the man who once lived here. One of our favorite neighbors, a new friend of mine, has won my heart. She is moving soon and told me she now feels safe leaving this sweet village knowing that our family will continue to live and breathe the magic of this neighborhood. For nine years I lived in a place where I felt a bit misunderstood and here, within a few short days, I am wrapped up by souls that I feel speak the language of my heart.

{when finishing this post, i thought i would take a photo of cedar sleeping...}

song for the moon*

Last night we went for a walk after dinner. Something that we've always wanted to be able to do and now, its becoming a reality for us. Sigh.

The beautiful moon. She was visible in the still light sky and Cedar decided to sing a song about Her. I love that most of his songs sound like chants. Like he just knows how to communicate with vibrations of nature.

I have much more to share. More images and stories...and I promise to come here soon. I am such a nester and when I move somewhere or visit or stay in a hotel, the first thing I do is unpack and settle. But its been different here. I can't stay inside for too long. I pack half a box and then I am out in the green with Cedar or with our family or neighbors. I am so easily distracted these days. I still have massive amounts of boxes to unpack and no decorating has been done (soooo odd for me as decorating his my favorite part!). I have hundreds of emails to respond to and some important business to take care of and yet, I feel like I am on vacation when I am not, really...but it feels like it. ; )

Here are a few images of my boys last night during our walk around the hood.

gem of a place*

[gallery] {click on images to see larger}

Boho Boy and I have looked at one another many times throughout the last few days and said "we live here!". Last night we were all snuggled up on the couch, Cedar in the middle and we gave one another a knowing look, leaned over his head and kissed. One of the many neighbors that have stopped by to get to know the new folk in their precious community said something that has sunk deep into my bones. She was laying under our apple tree (which we didn't know was an apple tree until she told us) and pointed to me and Boho Boy and said "you two are going to fall in love all over again here." I had only known her for a few minutes. Yet, with her hearing just a bit of our story, she saw us deep and knew how much we needed this. She was right. I feel like that is exactly what is happening to us. Falling in love all over again. Not only with one another. But with grass and rain and sun and rock and creek and flora...and being with people in the flesh. I don't know even how to put it into words. And I am a writer of sorts. But my heart hasn't stopped swelling and my fingers haven't stopped pinching myself to see if this is all real. I haven't been outside this much in I don't know how long. Cedar has never been so blissed out and worn out in a good way. We live in such a gem of a place and community. That is what all the neighbors tell us. "You'll never want to leave this street and if you do, you'll come back...like all of us."

Today Cedar and I planned to just walk a block down the road to get some fresh air. We ran into my neighbor and new friend Annie (the one who told us about our apple tree...and cherrie and pear trees) and her two Great Dane's. She asked if she could take us on a stroll around the neighborhood. Up until today, we had only walked down the road to the water and the train track. We've been so busy unpacking that we were waiting until we felt more settled to venture out the other direction. But when she asked us, I thought to myself...why not? I can leave the mess at home and start living more in the present like everyone else does around here. They move more slower and mindful and its beginning to feel really nice. I love that I befriended the neighbor that seems to know the most about he history of this community. She was like a walking encyclopedia about the homes and who lives in them now and who lived in them a hundred years ago. Along the way we ran into a little boy that people have been telling us about. I've heard that him and Cedar are kindreds. Two quirky souls that are bound to connect. Well, it happened naturally, of course and oh how I saw so much of Cedar in him...but 5 years in the future. This sweet boy showed us a weed that you can peel and eat and it was sweet as nectar.

I giggled to myself.  I feel like I am walking through the pages of a few of my favorite stories...Secret Life of Bees or Stand by Me.  I can't believe this is my new life. I can't believe all of this has happened in just a few days.  I can't remember the last time I cried tears of joy rather than sadness.

h*OM*e

the moment we drove into bellingham

I am overwhelmed with emotion. I think I need a few more days to marinate in what surrounds me. To let it sink in...fully permeate my being that I am home. That THIS is our home. My friend Jessamyn and Leigh wrote to me spelling it out hOMe or h*OM*e...with emphasis on the Om and that is exactly what it feels like. They know my heart.

Boho Boy had been here for about three days already while I stayed with my precious family. He would call us about 10 times a day to share sweet little details about the old home we're renting (built in the early 1900's) and the yard surrounding it. He would send us videos and text photos and stories about our eccentric, hippy, arty neighbors that came out to greet him, play him a tune with their guitar on their porch and spill the scoop about the community that our home rests in.

It was wonderful to hear all these details but at the same time it was a big practice for me in letting go of control. I am a Virgo and I do love to nest. It was a good exercise for me to be present with what was in front of me at the farm with my older sister or at the bottom of the Sierra Foothills with my parents. I was so worn from the move and Cedar was in serious need of something that felt familiar and homey. It would have been too much on his sensitive heart if we went from empty home to another empty home full of boxes. It was all perfect and that is what I reveled in. Being with family gave me the strength I needed to step forward as a girl in motion.

This past Saturday was when Cedar and I flew to Seattle.  The long line at the airport in Northern California was unexpected, so him and I were running to our flight, hand in hand.  Once we finally landed and were walking towards baggage claim, Cedar spotted his daddy 30 feet away.  He yelled "daddy!" and dropped his froggie backpack and ran to him with his stuffed animal in hand.  Boho Boy scooped him up and all of this brought him and I to tears.  It was one of those moments we will forever cherish.  Soon after we discovered the bag with all of my clothes somehow didn't make my flight.  I think because I already felt completely ungrounded, the thought that the bag I was living out of was missing, brought on a meltdown.  Not at all what I expected to feel when arriving on this day.  We sorted out the bag situation and it ended up getting on the next flight and would be shipped to us in a few days.  Then as we got on the freeway to head towards Bellingham, we were giddy and chatting away and 1.5 hours into our conversation we discovered we were going South instead of North!  It was then that I realized there must have been a reason why all of this was happening.  We now had a long drive of 3 more hours going back the way we came from with an extremely exhausted wee traveler in the car seat.  It was a message for us to slow down, to let go, to reconnect before we walk into our new space...because the whole thing with the bag brought me into  space of not being able to connect.  It was all perfect, really.  It gave us a chance to stop for food.  To find a gorgeous park on the way for Cedar to run and explore.  To get some delicious coffee and to pull into our town holding hands,  connected to one another and feeling in love.  Those three hours ended up being just what we needed.

Boho Boy had suggested the other day on the phone that he drop me off and take Cedar to the Toy Garden in Fairhaven.  He wanted me to connect with the home alone, without distraction, like he was able to days prior.  I didn't even know this was what I may have needed until he mentioned it.  Since he had been there already for three days and with all the stories he was telling me, there was a sense of almost feeling like this was more his home than mine.  It was so tender hearted for him to think about this.

When he pulled up to our little nook of a street by a bay, my heart swelled.  It was quainter, quieter and more of a community than I imagined.  Every home was precious and then he slowly drove passed ours and I said..."Oh, what a cute house...wait...ummm...is this ours?" All I knew were photos and videos and now that we were right there in the flesh, it all just seemed more charming.  My heart was racing and as I waved goodbye when they drove off and turned towards the home, I felt such a sense of peace.  A peace I haven't felt in so long.  The noise, the chatter, the anxiety, the everything hushed and it was just me and my footsteps and my breath and my pulse and my heartbeat on those wooden floors.  When I opened the door, it smelled of an antique shop.  Mmmm...old homes.  I walked slowly from room to room, up and down the stairs and finally outside and when I walked through the enchanting yard to the end of a large Cedar tree, it was then that I wept.  All I felt was gratefulness.  I continued to shake my head.  It was so much of all that I wanted for my family.  It felt unreal and real all at once.

more soon.

h*OM*e.

{dear sponsors...you get a free month since i have been unexpectedly absent due to lack of internet connection}

trust*

me and cedar at the airport

Boho Boy sent us this photo from the road of the moving truck and our car attached.  Everything we own right there. He has a bunch of tunes he made for the road, as well as stories from NPR keeping him company. Its difficult to be apart during this time but I know he needs this solitude as he makes his way into our new life as an independent business owner. He will no doubt  sing out loud with dreams of kayaking on the bay near our new home, working in his workshop with wood and nurturing new inspiring relationships. He's so ready and my heart is full for this shift in his life. But we miss him so right now.

Cedar handled the last few days as well as he could with a mostly empty house and big pieces of furniture and boxes being moved out of our home one by one. I was wondering when he would express his emotions in a big way over it all and that happened a few minutes before leaving for the airport. He woke from his nap, came out to the living room, saw that it was completely empty and plopped his whole body on the ground, laid down and cried "mama, no mama, no mama!" So, I held him close and that was the moment I chose to breathe and gently look around to honor all that has transpired in this home.

And now we venture forward, never again stepping foot into those four walls and instead walking into a home we have only seen through photos. It feels like a brave leap wrapped up in TRUST. Mmmmmm.  Medicine for our souls.