fae soul Under construction
cedar, 18 months
Had to share what we captured today. He does this all the time but I think I finally got some quality groove with his singing style. It almost sounds like Blue Grass twang. ; )
This is recorded from my phone, so its a bit pixel-y...and the shaking is from me laughing.
Enjoy.
{excuse the mess. ah well.}
cedar, 18 months
Cedar is very tall for his age. All the kids at the park approach him, assuming he can climb and jump and carry on conversations and when they find out he can't do it at their more grown up level, they look at me dumbfounded and run off.
Today he found another one just like him. A girl, his age, his height, being followed by her incredibly tall father. She chased after Cedar. They grunted together. They studied one another. The father and I giggled and shared about how its a challenge at the park, with a tall baby.
He boogied again today when the ice cream truck drove up to the park. I am trying to get it on video for you.
Two blog readers sent me an email today that they had a dream about Cedar last night. One of them told me he was a musician. Four other people have written me in the past with visions of Cedar as a musician when he is older. What was different about today's email is that she said he was tall, wearing skinny pants, a white tee and a green waistcoat, carrying a guitar. Nice. Love that.
I'm 5'2. This is going to be fun having my son tower over me when he is 12. ; )
{vlog coming soon to talk about the new Kind Diet i am on}.
{this one came in blurry but is the only one i have of him in this oufit, which i adore}
this was when we first got the Thai fisherman pant. he is so much taller now!
Many of you have asked me where I get Cedar's clothes and have shared that they look super comfy and earthy. So, I wanted to share some linkies.
Cedar is just like Boho Boy in that he has really sensitive skin. It gets easily irritated by fabric that isn't soft and cuddly. I have to be cautious of that with him. I also try to get as much organic as I can as a way of living greener, although sometimes because of our budget, I have to settle for comfy and inexpensive. I am fortunate that I can do that at a baby resale shop down the street. Our part of re-using but I do pick up random bits from Target here and there.
My family has been so awesome and aware of his sensitivities and they tend to spoil him with the soft, organic and stylish goodies.
When Cedar was an infant, his favorite seemed to be LovedBaby. He was the model for their postcards and future catalog, so we were fortunate to be able to play with a bunch of different styles. EVERYTHING is crazy soft and beautiful but they stop at 12 months and he was out of 12 month clothing at 10 months. ; )
Right now...here are some of our favorite duds:
His amber teething necklace with super healing powers comes from Inspired by Finn.
Fisherman pants from Thailand at After Shower Shop (we have almost every color).
Yoga pants & Long sleeve shirts from from Makrista Baby (again...have almost every color).
Yoga pants and a long sleeve tee from Positively Organic (he was wearing this outfit in the photo posted with him holding a pine cone, below...).
Cedar has two long sleeve shirts from BabyBe (one is in the photo above where he is drawing).
We have a linen medieval hoodie and terracotta pants from Adatine that are so very gorgeous.
Kicky pants has the softest bamboo clothing EVER.
BabySoy has the cutest kimonos and knotted hats that he wore all the time as an infant. He now wears their tees and sleevless shirts (their sleeveless one is pictured in the image of him on my lap, as well as the last photo above).
The only shoes he will allow us to put on his big chubby feet are Bobux Shoes (got ours at Whole Foods Market).
We loved Everyday Beautiful's gnome hat.
The organic line from Baby Gap (they have temporarily discontinued but are apparently bringing it back soon) is wonderful. We also love their toddler tees that are prewashed and extremely soft. Cedar has no irritations with them. He wears their white long sleeve onesies under all of his tees.
TwoOwls has wonderful pants. I found this line at our Whole Foods.
Speesees also carries fabulous colors and styles. Cedar got a pair of pants and a few onesies as a gift when he was an infant and we wore it out.
I've never bought anything from Natural Baby...but I've wanted to and dream about it often. Everything looks so baby bum soft.
I try my best to follow his lead as far as style with his personality.
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So, now that I am done with that, I am looking forward to sharing with you about a new journey I am on. It has to do with a fresh new way of eating and thinking and being and how my energy is slowly making a come back. I'm also feeling more clear headed and can form a sentence out of my mouth without pausing and trying to gather my thoughts. Good stuff!
If any of you would like to share your soft, cuddly organic baby/toddler clothes loves, do so in the comments!
It took me about a week to take Cedar back to the park after this day I captured above. You see...there were boys teasing him. He was being a bit bullied. There I stood even more confused than him. What is my role? Do I allow these events to unfold before my eyes, hoping for a teachable moment? Allowing Cedar to find his own center without me trying to find it for him by scooping him up and removing him? This is what I wanted to do. Remove him. Run away. Protect.
My heart broke into thousand jagged pieces to see him be so misunderstood. Cedar can be a bit quirky. If he hears a plane far up in the sky flying over the park he will stop, point and scream out. He is obsessed with planes and helicopters. If there is a hint of music from a car driving by he will stop what he is doing and start grooving, in his own little world, bobbing his head with his eyes closed, feeling the rhythm deeply with every orifice of his body. He doesn't care who is watching. When he sees someone he is attracted to, he will squeal, run and hold onto their back if they're sitting down. The older, tougher boys saw these things and decided to mock him, to run up to him and scream in his face. Their mothers giggling a bit along with them as I looked over to them for support. I felt like I was outside of myself, looking down at what felt like a scene from my elementary years. I know I was a bit quirky too.
It hurt me more than it did Cedar. He ran to the sand with his truck and smiled at the little girl beside him. I sat there holding back my tears. I know my emotions were coming from a deeper well. Perhaps some fears. Some unknowns about how to mother and parent in situations like this when he is older and either being the one that is teased or the one that is teasing. Knowing that there is that space between how we desire our children to be in this world and how they will naturally unfold and the process of letting go and accepting and not projecting.
This is all such new territory for me. Feeling so protective of my sensitive soulful flower boy and yet knowing he needs to explore and discover and evolve without me hovering. Also getting that there are times he too will channel his myriad of emotions into acting out at others. So this gives me compassion for those boys. Although I didn't feel that compassion right away. It took a week for me to get there. A few emails sent between family and girlfriends, being supported and guided and reminded that those boys need to be sent love and that their behavior comes from a deeper root.
I felt guilty that it took me a week to get there. Perhaps as time goes by, as these situations happen more often than not, it will come sooner. The ability to breathe into the hurt and the need to protect and soften the knee jerk reaction of judging or assumptions. To remember that some of my child's experiences may be a mirror to my own hurts and that it can be a teachable moment for both of us.
Perhaps most of all, Cedar's reaction is my greatest teacher that day. The fact that he walked away and found a spot with a like-minded soul and continued to play and create despite those voices whispering to him that he was different and different wasn't cool to those boys. He was so grounded in who he was and he found another soul that got him.
This is just the beginning. I know, I know...and I am grateful for the gentle souls in my life circling me through it all. Circling us. Celebrating this journey.
I recorded these over the last few days. Pieces of the way Cedar loves to express himself creatively.
The last two videos were recorded with my phone...so the quality is poor but you get the idea. You can hear him singing during or in between strumming and that makes my heart burst wide open. Can you feel his soul in this? I do every. time.
Another thing he is doing is playing with the singing bowl we have. He tries to sing in tune with the chimes.
These little bits of expression we get to experience every day in our home. I wanted to share it with you. So, you get to see how Boho Baby is becoming his own person. So fun.
cedar & me this morning
I have a long list of things that I would like to get done today but instead, I am marinating in the world my son lives in.
His world is pretty rad.
cedar, canon 50d
He teaches me to love myself purely.
Tell me one thing you love about yourself, when gazing at your reflection.
sleeping cedar, canon 50d
The three of us have the sickity head coldie icks. Every spare moment of quiet is full of sleep. Cedar naps, we nap...which leaves no time for me to write the delicious post I've been yearning to write about Bellingham. Ohhh...so sorry to keep you waiting.
I'll leave you with a few fun facts about B'ham.
More soon. I promise.
While I am marinating in the crazy beautiful emotions of last week in Bellingham and processing how to express it to all of you, wanted to share a moment of our day today.
He just started feeling music with his body and he shows a bit of it here, although sometimes he REALLY grooves with every inch of his bod. He's also walking more fluidly, which I could watch all. day. long.
If you pay attention to the lyrics from Raffi in the beginning of this video (second verse of song), it looks like Cedar's doing interpretive dance. ; )
Music by Raffi and Elizabeth Mitchell.
{His darling pants are from Thailand. Got them here in dark brown and burnt orange. They are SO comfy and loose and groovy.}
cedar in his chair, taken this morning
Where did our baby go?
We were in the kitchen this morning. Boho Boy making his Acai smoothie and me stirring Cedar's oatmeal and we look over to see him reading in his chair. "I love him" said Boho Boy. "He's amazing", I said. Cedar looked over to us and we waved. Then did his floppy hand wave back to his doting parents. I swallowed some heart soaked tears of joy. He's just so special. And we are so blessed. Wanted to share the moment with you.
I just took this photo a few minutes ago and had to share. I knew you'd appreciate it as much as I did. ; ) Sitting, standing or laying down and flipping through pages in a book is Cedar's favorite place to be. It always has been. With this particular book (Going on a Bear Hunt) he says "uh oh!" with every page and when he gets to the bit about them seeing the bear and running through all the places they had just been, he giggles and giggles. Its just awesome that he gets it...even when he doesn't know how to read yet (or does he and he is just keeping it secret?).
Boho Boy the Librarian is so thrilled about Cedar's passion for literature. ; ) I am sure some of you are looking past the book and noticing his Buddha belly. I know...totally pinch and squeeze and raspberry worthy.
me & cedar, taken with phone yesterday
I haven't had a moment to upload photos from my sister's visit yet. I finally got my "big camera" out while she was here (lately I feel it is collecting dust). I have much to share about our time together but I don't want to share it without a few delicious images. I promise soon. I have yet to learn now to balance a heavy baby on my hip, carrying a heavy diaper backpack AND a heavy camera everywhere we go. So these days, I just snap with my phone so that I can immediately send the images to family and friends via picture message. Although, I do want to make a conscious effort to try to lug my camera around with me because yesterday at the park, Cedar kept picking little flowers from the grass and handing them to me. What a precious photo that would have been.
I want to thank those of you that left such kind, gentle and warm words on my last post. I want to thank those of you that emailed me with your own stories...being that woman in the dark room with me, blinded, feeling around for the other hand of someone who has walked this same path. Those emails are a gift to me. It gives my journey purpose more than just the growth of my own soul but also others. Oh man, what a weepy girl I have been reading your words. I feel really blessed because I know every time I take the risk of spilling feelings that could be interpreted wrongly or perhaps trigger another on this journey, it seems I am still understood and received gently. That somehow, through the clumsiness, I am understood.
A few of my friends wrote to me with tender questions. One question of whether or not Boho Boy and I are trying to conceive again. Or adopt again. With those questions was the reassurance that if we were, that they would hold this hope gently and let me guide them on how much I want them to be a part of manifesting this dream. That a space on their alter would be set aside just for us. That their knees would hit the floor in prayer for us. I wasn't expecting this at all and it really wrapped me up in a feeling of being so protected and so not alone. This journey has brought such stellar women into my life. As I type this, I weep with such awe and love for them. Love love love.
Since they wrote me curious, I wondered how many of you were curious. So, I wanted to share with you where I am with that. No. Boho Boy and I are not trying to conceive right now and there is no active energy being put towards adoption. What is happening is that something is shifting. This is the first time I am really putting this into words. I am still in the process of figuring out what this all is. I am wondering if perhaps it is a primal thing. That once your first child approaches two years, that it is natural to want companionship for them. Sometimes I feel a spirit close. Sometimes I don't. What I am doing is just really marinating in Cedar and learning how to stay present and not have expectations of anything other than the three of us. I think so much of that is about the fact that I am not one of those women that can just say..."okay, lets make a baby, I want another child!". I am not programmed to think like this. For me, that would mean doctors visits and a mindset of prayer and manifestation and dreaming and energy all towards a new child in our life. It also represents possible disappointment and fear and sorrow and I just don't want Cedar to have to absorb any of that energy. He is such a sensitive flower child. When we are off emotionally, he feels it too and it shows.
So, I suppose I am in a space of trying to hold all of this gently. To not try to control any of it. To just trust...really trust that if there is still another spirit up there, floating around us, longing to be with us, that that spirit will come into our life in unexpected ways, just like Cedar did. This is the space I need to be in. I don't want to be in a space of trying. I just don't think I can...not again. So, perhaps this is why my last post was written. It is a space that feels extra raw and tender and at a time when Spring arrives and babies are made and flowers bloom and new life begins. It all feels closer than it usually does.
I also really want to envision just the three of us or moreso just put my energy into the three of us and not so much on the future or even on the past. Just the here and now. I am sure I will process more of this here in this space...like I always do.
I wanted to share this photo above because I just am so in love with Cedar's face here. This angel, sweet presence that he has shows so much here. The safeness he feels with me. The belonging. The wise soul that he is. I also chuckle because I see why everywhere I go, people think he is a girl. It must be his lashes. ; ) Or perhaps it is just his soft gaze.
I also wanted to share this photo because you can see my new lipstick my sister bought me while she was here! Its actually two lipsticks. Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in the color Walkyrie (used all over my lips, not as a liner) and Tarina Tarantino Conditioning Lips Sheen in the color Prong. This is a funny story. I was SO in the throws of PMS when she brought me into Sephora. Both of my sisters (and my nieces) are divine when it comes to make-up. They just know their colors and do it so beautifully and I have always felt clumsy and like a fish out of water in stores like Sephora. I just never felt pretty with a lot of make-up. Anyways, she let me know that most of the time, my lipstick dries and all you see is my liner and that my liner was darker than my lipstick and I was so surprised!!! I have always used Mac "spice" lip liner and Mac "cosmo" lipstick. For years and years but no one ever told me that my liner was darker. I don't have the best lighting in my home and we have just a few small mirrors. So, I suppose I never look. ; ) We laughed about it and she helped me find a new color. A color that might look a bit darker than my natural lip tint and help me not have to wear any other make-up. What's funny about this story is that I pulled her aside and cried right in the store!! My tears came from an insecurity that her and my other sister Pamela call one another up to make a plan to get me to wear more make-up. Last time Pamela was here, she bought $100 worth of make-up for me in Sephora. She asked one of the Sephora ladies to give me a make-over with foundation (i've never felt comfy with foundation but I did it out of love for my sis). I just had this vision of Pamela calling Darlene before she left to come out here and saying..."Dar, its your turn. Didn't work the first time!!!" So, I pulled Dar aside and asked "do you and Pam think I am ugly and need help??" with tears flowing and a lip pout. You really just had to laugh at the whole thing because it did seem like a conspiracy and Darlene agreed that she too would be suspicious if the tables were turned. She wiped my tears and reassured me that this is her passion and she just wants to share it with me but agrees that I don't need any make-up. Her and Pamela are not in cahoots. ; ) We hugged and she got me and I got her and arm in arm, we purchased my new lipstick with giggles. And you know what? I LOVE them and wear them every day. I like the darker lipstick, no make-up look. Momma did need a change and my sister could see this more than I could and it was such a yummy gift. Both of my sisters had sweet intentions and I am grateful for their love and caring. Darlene also got me this sparkly cream to wear over my moisturizer. It makes my skin feel luminous. This feels so much better to me than foundation. Wanted to share the love with you.
Can I be any more random in this post? You guys are seriously patient and I so appreciate you going with my flow (literally...).
; )
Something very special happened today in the Boho home and I actually managed to get it on my Flip camera. Cedar has been all about pulling himself up and standing and squealing with delight but he has yet to take steps without the help of mommy and daddy. This was his first time doing it solo...with the help of Pinky the Snail...something we found on clearance after Christmas. I know he's a boy and this is pink but we've never been caught up in gender specific colors or toys for him. Anyways, here he is...taking his first few steps without us holding him up.
He's so excited and stunned all at once! We've never pressured him to crawl or walk. He was always happy to just sit there with his books and flip for hours. A few folks have told us he was a late crawler (started at 11 months) and they now seem a wee surprised that a baby his size and age is not yet walking. Then there are the gentle, open minded ones that tell me every child has their own pace and that it is clear he's a smarty and not to be concerned. So I have chosen to not be concerned and just follow his lead. His brains and soul have always blown our mind. So, it has been so amazing to see his physical movement over the past few months. It seems to be happening so quickly and our baby that was so keen on sitting and reading is now climbing and standing and almost walking and has endless amounts of energy and a daring sense of adventure.
Wanted to share today with you. Its just a snippet but a peek into our world, nonetheless.
I'm upstairs in the loft while Cedar is napping. Me and the wide screen hanging out for a few minutes. I am drinking my second cup of yerba mate today. Creamed up with vanilla rice milk and agave nectar. Most of you know this is my drink. This is my morning nectar and today it is my afternoon nectar. A moment ago, I sat back in my chair, just gazing at the steam moving upwards passed the lip of the mug. The only sound I could hear was the hum of the baby monitor. The slight buzz of the ionizer inside where Cedar is sleeping.
I am in that realm of welcoming this space from him but also missing his enchanting spirit. I am also recognizing that he needs space too. Sometimes he loves to just hang out in his crib. Flipping through a book or playing with his stuffed puppy or standing up and holding onto the bars, dancing and making himself laugh. I remember my sister once telling me "babies need their space too...just like we do. don't be afraid to give it to him when you sense it." I hear her voice whispering those words a lot. Cedar does like his alone time. Its a beautiful thing to witness. This separateness that he is beginning to embrace. It makes those moments when he needs me that much sweeter. When he leans towards me to hold him or lifts his arms up for me to carry him or crawls over to me, stands up with the help of my knees and lays his head on my lap. Lately its a dance between really needing me and really craving independence. I thought this would be really hard for me, this shift...but I am finding myself resonating so much with him. I have always needed my alone time. That balance between needing touch and needing space. So I get it and respect it and marvel that he is so in touch with himself.
Last night Boho Boy and I were talking about all of these new shifts that are happening with him. How he's gaining confidence in his personality, his wit and his ability to commune with us. We are almost convinced he is going to be the funny dude. He spends much of his time trying to make us laugh. In this really intelligent, almost adult way. I am quite used to this, really. Boho Boy is so naturally witty. Within minutes of first meeting him, I was bent over in pure gut laughter. I've always told him he could have been a stand up comic or an actor of sorts. He always nods his head. He knows this but he has chosen to share his wit sparingly, surprisingly and at just the perfect moments, surrounded by people that are perhaps shocked by it. My mother would tell you I am really funny but I am not sure if a lot of people see me this way. Especially in this space. I think people assume I am always so serious and emotional and ever tender. Which, is true...but I do have a side to me that is comical. I suppose it is reserved for those moments when all is aligned and I am feeling secure and clear and damn tired of feeling blue. So, perhaps Cedar has picked up on this energy. The obvious energies and the ones in between. Or perhaps when he was a spirit baby floating around us before he came into this world, that he was the clown out of all the spirit babies and knew this was the house where we would let him shine and spread his wings and let loose and crack us up.
I am just really in love with him. Not just because he is my son and because his journey to us was just so fricken wild and whirly and life altering. I love him because he's really fun to be around. I enjoy his company. I want to be inside of his mind and his soul because there is just so, so much there...in his eyes, in his movement, in his pauses, his wide baby tooth smiles and in his serious, lingering gazes. I feel I have known his soul for lifetimes. Sometimes when I gaze in his eyes, it feels so familiar, like..."oh, hello again...its you." You know what I mean? There are few people in my life where this soul recognition has happened and he is one of them.
This morning I brought him into bed with me when he woke up. Daddy was in the shower, so it was just me and him. He sat up and immediately pointed to the firefly lights hung across our wall. "Yes, fireflies!" I said and then I asked..."Can we just cuddle a bit more?" I could tell he was in a joyful mood and wanted to get right to business out in our bright sunny living room. But after he saw the look on my face he plopped his whole body onto my chest and wiggled his nose into my neck and stroked my arm for a while. I held him close and took deep breaths, marinating in our limbs intertwined. Just when I was about to shed a tear, I felt his chubby finger reaching for my nostril. He then stuck it in slowly and I gasped and he lifted his head up and we looked at one another. He had a huge smile on his face and then giggled into my chest. And this was how we begun our day. Our separateness and togetherness.
photo of cedar taken by me, photo of me, taken by thea coughlin
A lot of people (readers, friends, family, passers by) tell me that Cedar resembles me. Especially lately. Although, in the beginning, everyone said he resembled Boho Boy. So many that tell us this, let it cross their lips gently, concerned that it may feel awkward or inappropriate or insensitive or tender because he is adopted. I have always deeply appreciated when someone is so brave to ask a question or share some feelings about our adoption that perhaps many wonder or feel and are afraid to ask. I also appreciate deeply with all of that, the sensitivity that is offered us. Not only for us, but even more for Cedar's birthparents...K & T (who I know sometimes read this blog).
I am not sure how K & T would feel about people saying Cedar resembles us. Something tells me they would feel supportive and I say this because when we all spent those weeks together during her pre-term labor, we felt a kindredness, a likeness in many ways. K and I are both so tender and sensitive and soft spoken and affectionate. Boho Boy and T are quick witted and intelligent and share a love for the same books. Boho Boy took a photo of me and K's faces smooshed together with wide smiles and sparkly eyes and both K and I were in awe of how much we resembled one another. Even my family mentioned it and a few of my close friends that saw the photo. What's funny about this is our skin tone is completely different. K is very light complected with rosy cheeks and light blue eyes (with a gorgeous dark blue rim)and dark blond hair. I have olive skin and light brown eyes and brown hair. But our features are very similar and our spirits so very kindred. Sometimes Cedar makes a face that is spot on just like T and sometimes spot on Boho Boy. Although Boho Boy and T look nothing a like. Its so wild, really.
So, I suppose what this tells me is that Cedar has characteristics of all four of us. He is part of each of us and we are all part of him and it emulates from him in beautiful ways. This is something, when he grows older, that we will celebrate and share with him and it will perhaps offer comfort in small ways. Comfort in that he carries all of us with him.
Many people have reached out to me through my blog that have been adopted. So very gently and kindly to bring me comfort. They share with me the beautiful and the hard parts and some have shared what it felt like to be dark and grow up in a household of white faces or vice-versa. Of course, at the root of it all, each of them told me that it was never at the surface of things and it only posed as an awkward thing a few times and that most of the time people didn't notice any longer and all that mattered was that they felt loved and cherished and part of a family abundant with love. But there were also times when it was hard and left them feeling like something was missing that needed to be filled up.
I know there will be days when Cedar looks in the mirror and sees T's nose and K's eyes and it might bring up stuff for him. So, part of me feels comfort knowing that he will also see my soul and spirit and Boho Boy's humor and passion for music and both of our twinkle in his eyes.
Adoption is the most beautiful thing that has every happened to me. It is also full of so many questions and lessons and teachable moments of humility and letting go and trusting that Cedar will know I am his mother through and through and never doubt that he was so very meant to be our son.
In all honesty, every time someone says "he looks just like you...", it does tug at those heart strings. There is a conversation that goes on in my head that goes like this;
"is it okay that this felt good? would K be hurt by this? would she be overjoyed and would it be confirmation that her and i are soulfully connected? is it important to me that cedar resembles me? no...it isn't...but it does fill me up in a way and smooths over the wounded parts. can i not over think it and just be honored because i think he's a cutie patootie? are there right or wrong ways to feel when it comes to something so wild and crazy and beautiful as adoption??"
We are kindred souls and it is the soul that is what lingers when the skin that our soul is wrapped in shifts and alters. This is what I will always tell him on those days when he is feeling tender or confused about it all.
Like father, like son... ; )
...and here's a little video from later in the evening:
We wish each of you a playful weekend. Even though we aren't into American football or even watching the Superbowl, we are using it as an excuse to eat all of our guilty pleasure nummy nums tomorrow. A little carpet picnic of our own and you can be sure that I will be entertained by my boho boys.
Love & light to you.
{all of your responses to my previous post left me a weepy girl all week. so filled up and nourished by your support, understanding, courage and faith in me and my body...i thank you...we thank you}
cedar & me, taken by boho boy with phone
We rarely get storms in these parts, so I am relishing, cocooning, snuggling up. Cedar is awe-struck with wind and rain. I actually hear him say the word "Wooowwwww...." when I take him outside.
This photo above was taken the last day of our cleanse. Sunshine before the clouds came in for the week.
I love storms. So much so that I had planned on naming my daughter Stormie if I ever had a girl. I have a pretty cool story about a dream I had once. I was in my mid twenties and not at all in the space of wanting to have children but I had a dream about me walking on the beach with this little girl. She was about 3 years old. She had blond ringlets and blue eyes and she was my daughter. I remember her running and then coming back to me and I swooped her up. When I woke up my face was wet. I was crying in the dream while holding her because the love I felt for her was so intense. At that time in my life, I didn't understand the connection, the love between parents and children but in those moments, I fully grasped it. I was so sad for days after that dream. I missed her so. I walked the streets of Berkeley looking for her, subconsciously.
My sister Pam came to visit me for the weekend. We decided to go to Santa Cruz for the day. I debated whether to tell her about the dream. I waited until the long whindy drive home on HWY 17. I think it was the pull and magic of all the Redwood trees. I just spilled.
Since at that time, Pam was a mother of three babies, she grew misty eyed when I told her how much I missed that little girl. What she did next I will never forget. She said "why don't we name her?" and we did and naming her gave me closure. We named her Stormie Winter.
Fast forward ten years and my husband and I are deeply wanting a child. We were just opening up to the idea of adoption and our adoption consultant sent us some photos of some previous children she had helped place for adoption. One photo was of this beautiful girl with blond ringlets and blue eyes. It was the girl in my dream. I gasped. Although I kept it to myself. It felt sacred...but it was that moment where my heart completely opened up to the idea of building our family through adoption. She was sent as a gift both in my dream years ago and now.
A few months later we were placed with the most perfect birth parents for us. I was shown a photo of their other child that was placed for adoption previous to Cedar. It was that same girl in the photo our adoption consultant showed me in the beginning of this process. It was the same girl in my dream years ago. It was Cedar's bio sibling...in my dream.
And this is another reason why I love storms. They remind me of Stormie Winter...the sweet angel that guided me to our son and that I will always have a connection to.
cedar bear today at henry's market, taken with phone
This morning I woke up with an intense sore throat and head pounding with aches and a body that just wanted to lay still. Usually a flu creeps up on me but this one was so sudden. My first thought was that Boho Boy had a lot of work to do today and Cedar is feeling tender with teeth that are cutting through his gums and oh my...how am I going to be present for them when I feel this way?
When Boho Boy first laid eyes on me this morning, he knew it was bad...so he dropped all of his other priorities and gave us so much love all day. He bundled us up in the car and took us to Henry's and we picked up immune boosting goodies. Then he asked me what I wanted that wouldn't so much help heal my body but heal my soul and I said "bread sticks!". He smiled huge.
I've always wanted warm, melt in your mouth, garlic salted bread sticks. My honey made me gluten free ones tonight. It was pure heaven. Pure melt in your mouth, crispy on the outside, moist on the inside, buttery, garlic-y heaven.
He also made us some fresh veggie juice, heated up some soup, put blankets on me and all was good and ready for two Star Trek films. Yes, the new Star Trek film made me curious about the old ones and you know this is a major turn on for Boho Boy. He had no idea when he met me that I would someday be this into Sci Fi stuff. It was fun to giggle at the old outfits and hair do's that were supposed to be future-like but were oh so 70's. Awesome. Medicine for my soul.
Cedar cuddled us good today. He too was in the mood to chill.
So this was our day. The first day of the year. Despite my whole body feeling achy, my heart was full of so much love for my boys. It still felt like a celebration.
Oh, and did I mention I loved the bread sticks and when I told Boho Boy it was the best bread I've ever had, he looked so totally proud of himself? It made me want to dip him in garlic-y salt too and eat him up. ; )
I am wishing all of you sweet simple moments of celebration.
me & cedar snuggling at Pannikin, photo by jon-erik
so apropos. ; )
We are home.
I have so many images to share from our holiday in Northern California with my family. Such an unforgettable few days shared together.
Boho Brother is still in town. Today we took him to a Buddhist temple and meditation garden and tomorrow we are driving our VW Bussy to the beach for sand/ocean naps and a finger food buffet. Then he heads back to Canada on the 30th.
I think we're all drunk with love. Seriously. I thought I couldn't love my family any more than I do but to see them through Cedar's eyes was crazy beautiful. I will spread the love soon on this space.
Until then, I thought I'd share with you the wee elf that visited us on Christmas morning.
{for those of you that inquired...the hat Cedar is wearing is from Everyday Beautiful. a dear gift from Em. he's modeling the hat as a newborn here}
