soul that came to my heart*

brave stepping, taken by boho boy with my palm pre

Something I received in the email by a dear friend, about Cedar, that made my heart swell.

he's so beautiful.
and he's yours...
this soul that came to your heart.
that grows in front of you.
every day... something new.
big laughter and smiles.
and tantrums and blow out poops.
curly sweet sweaty hair after a nap
cuddling into mamas boobs.
sitting with his frog legs, pulling books into his lap.
he's amazing...
and he's your baby.

it feels like you've always had him.
like- i don't remember you without him.

bonus photo...love this of my boys:

birth story book*

us yesterday, taken with phone

The last few days with Cedar have been healing and love soaked.  He is feeling better and has decided to put that energy into lots of snuggles and happiness and cracking us up.  My mama heart has been cracked wide open these days.

We showed him his birth story book for the first time yesterday.  It is filled with mostly photos with captions of the first time we met his birth parents, then the birth and our two week hotel stay post birth...and spending thanksgiving with his birth parents.  It was really emotional.  He seemed captivated with his birthmom and laid his head on a photo of her to give her love.  The next photo was of me feeding him his first bottle in the hospital and he looked over at me and wrapped his arms around me.  Both Boho Boy and I got teary.  He just seemed so in tune with it all and somehow tapped into knowing I needed that hug.  He did it a few times throughout the book...looked over at me and sort of fell onto my chest with his arms wrapped tight.  We will show him this book as often as possible.  We want him to feel his adoption is a totally natural thing and a sacred part of his journey on this earth.  Our adoption consultant has an adopted son much older and growing up, playing house with his friends, she would hear him say "are you adopted like me?"  or "this is my baby, he is adopted".  This is how I want it to feel for Cedar.  Something to celebrate...a gorgeous part of his life where there is no shame but openness to share and excitement to enlighten his friends ideas about how families can be created in so many ways.  This is what the book is for and why we will make one each year including photos of him and our birth parent visits.

Wanted to share a few photos we've taken over the last few days.

cedar totally loves the books by this author

cedar gazing into his lion's eyes...before a kiss.  ; )

trail walking with mama

trail museum library

giving this coyote love...at a museum

resting on the cool metal at a park

waking up after a nap

snack time*

cedar, 22 months, belated august break photo #31

I cannot believe he is loving roasted seaweed for a snack.  He chewed it all up and begged for more.  That rocks.

for erin*

Cedar singing a ditty for my dear friend Erin in Ireland who is about to bring her baby into this world at any moment.  This babe will be a wee little sprite from the land of pixies and faeries and Cedar TOTALLY speaks that language.  ; )

pure self love*

me & cedar in my sister's mirror, canon 50d ~ august break #26

You can see all the fingerprint and lip marks on the bottom half of the mirror.  Those are from Cedar...chatting with himself, kissing himself, smiling at himself.  I sat back and watched him in awe.  So totally embracing his reflection and not at all tainted with expectations of how he should look or be.  Pure self love.  As though he was saying..."Hi Me...I love you JUST as you are!"

These are the teachable moments I am so grateful for.

Buddha Baby*

cedar, canon 50d ~ august break #21

So many of my friends say that Cedar sits like a Buddha Baby. Yesterday morning at my sister's farm, he climbed up to sit and meditate on the trees. He even sighed. It reminded me to sit still with him and drink it all in.

invitation into his world*

airplane ride with marmie doggie, canon 50d ~ august break #19

One of the many things we love about cedar is that he wants others to enjoy what he sees, feels, tastes, hears...and invites them into his world.

funny face.

Wanted to share with you something I recorded a few minutes ago. He had just woken up from his nap and finished his bottle. He is such a ham with the camera. ; )

sweet and soulful wish come true...

self portrait, canon 50d, august break #8

I adore my dear friend Stacy's work:

"Vintage Inspired Jewelry.
Stamped with sweet and soulful sayings.
Designed to empower, encourage, heal and inspire."
~ stacy de la rosa

This is me wearing my custom made Bella Wish "Cedar" stamped silver pendant.  He is our sweet and soulful *wish* come true.

i adorn my neck with his name.
my son.  our wish come true.
we journeyed deep and wide to find him.
all while finding ourselves.
then he chose to arrive.
at a time most perfect for our hearts.
he knew when to come,
even though we longed for him so much earlier.
such a wise, gentle spirit.

{Do check out Stacy's other beautiful shop Adele's Attic.  Yummy vintage treasures from her past.}

cedar on beach yesterday, august break #7, canon 50d

Uncertain about the feeling of waves about to crash up to his knees, he pulls his suit up and looks up at daddy. Wanting to be held, yet wanting to be brave. Seconds later, daddy scooped him up, whispering the message that it is perfectly okay to ask for help in your time of need.

dino-love*

august break #5: daddy reading to him this morning, canon 50d

A week ago, we were watching a documentary about dinosaurs on the History Channel. Cedar was completely enamoured, even when over and over there were frightening Dinosaurs roaring at the screen with saliva dripping from their teeth. It frightened me more than Cedar. He just roared right back and clapped and twirled and made new Dino friends in his imaginary world.

So, yesterday we felt it was appropriate to take him to the Dinosaur exhibit at our local Natural History Museum. It was a blast.  We let him lead the way and it was so fun following him around with the camera.  Although, I forgot my BC (big camera) and had to settle for my phone and none of them turned out that well but I will post a few just for fun.  He was pointing and squealing and even checking out the written descriptions on each creature.  So fascinated and it was contagious. 

My favorite part was when Cedar turned the corner on the top floor and saw the ginormous shark hanging from the ceiling.  He pointed and screamed in an excited way and everyone around him laughed and joined his enthusiasm.  This one sweet man strolling by him in a wheelchair looked at Boho Boy and said "that was the best reaction ever." 

august break*

Cedar, 20 months ~ August Break #1

I decided to participate in my dear friend Susannah's August Break for three reasons: I love supporting her. I love community. I get to use my Big Camera every day!!

So I will be posting one photo a day on my blog, all through August. Some may have words. Some may just have the image itself. Images alone speak volumes, yes? This is perfect timing for me to use this as an excuse to bond with my BC (big camera). It will also free up some time for me to finish up a few projects.  It will also invite you into the intimate moments of my every day.

All of your kind words about my images of Cedar in the last post really melted me deep.  It is stirring up a passion within me to capture my life in a way that I haven't in a long while.  So thank you.  I am grateful for your encouragement and support.

My mother in law is coming tomorrow for a week!  Perhaps I'll capture her without her knowing.  Her eyes are stunning like my boys.

See you tomorrow. xo

ps. just added a few new sponsors on my sidebar!  Texture Clothing is offering a 20% discount for my readers.  make sure to use the code:  boho20 when purchasing.  i have a pair of her Posh Pants and they are AWESOME to the max.

i will still be answering your questions. i promise i haven't forgotten.  its a years worth of writing material for me.  ; )

Cedar...The Boy.

I've been so lazy about getting what we call my "big camera" out to take photos of Cedar. I've been snapping sometimes hundreds of photos a day of him with my Palm Pre phone and sending them to family and friends. Its easier. Its practical. Its faster.

Although, today I realized how much I miss my big camera. Deeply miss this integral part of who I am. Lately I've been more into writing than this other part of my creative spirit. Today, it spilled open when I captured my son. Seeing him through my lens made me realize he is no longer a baby, really...but a boy.

I feel like something cracked open in me.  Now I am beginning to look around me, again...and long to capture the romance that I see...in everything.  I feel more willing to add extra weight to my bag.  Now that my "boy" is more independent, there is more space to hold my other baby.  The big camera baby that I cherish so.

Today, after clicking away, I paused and observed him as a boy and not a baby.  I got a bit weepy.  He noticed something different about mommy's eyes.  They had water in them.  I said "mommy is crying"...and he went over to the bookshelf and handed me this book.  He's so connected.

Here are some Cedar-isms that are emerging lately...

• He likes to make ramps out of his books to let his cars loose on.
• He's really into his Helicopter book.
• When classical music is playing, he closes his eyes and sways his head from side to side.
• He now loves to dramatically move his body on the floor with dance fingers and flips, just like the dancers on SYTYCD.
• He is not cool about daddy snuggling mommy unless he is part.
• When he sees someone new, he hands them the toy in his hand.
• He speaks his own language when flipping pages of a book.  It might be part Japanese.
• He loves to share his food.
• When he is coloring, he wants to make sure all sitting around him has a crayon too.
• He will only drink with a straw.
• When he sips water, he follows it up with "ahhhhh".
• He thinks he is really funny and laughs at himself all.the.time.
• His favorite things to play with are airplanes, helicopters, balls, automobiles, books, drums, guitars and stuffed animals.
• He's super clumsy because his feet and toes are HUGE.

a wee adventure.

me seaside, taken with palm pre

I am taking Cedar on a wee adventure. Will be back later in the week. It is SO needed. Its been a rough week due to some serious teething and growing pains all at once. I swear he woke up yesterday morning a foot taller. Okay, well at least a few inches. He is going to be a tall one. He is the height of an average 3 year old. I wonder when he's going to tower over little ole' me...when he's five?!?!?

Two tall boys in the home. I can see the jokes to be had in the future. Growing up, the running joke in our house was that my mother was adopted. We were all dark haired and mostly dark skinned and she was pure white with freckles and red hair. People sort of cocked their head sideways when she'd say "these are my girls!" It SO was not politically correct that we said she was adopted but now that I've adopted, I feel I can make light of it. ; )

I digress.

I was talking about our rough week.  Yes.  So yesterday I get a call from Boho Boy on his way home from work.  He told me he wanted me to go see a movie tomorrow.  Have some alone time.  I had a huge lump in my throat and when I hung up the phone, a few tears spilled.  I didn't realize how much I needed some "me" time until that moment and I felt so filled with gratefulness that he knew what I needed more than me.  He truly is an amazing man.  I heart him.

I chose to go see Twighlight: Eclipse.  I just had to!  I am a Twi-Geek.  Read all the books in the same month.  I was obviously in some serious need for light drama and fantasy and ethereal love stories that month.  ; )  So there I was today sitting in the theater...a crushed out girl in a sea of crushed out girlies that are hot for vampires and werewolves.  It was awesome!  The collective clapping and sighing and squealing.  The energy was so great and just what I needed.  Escape!  I'll be the first one to admit that I am a dreamer and love to escape now and then and one of my favorite things to do as a young adult until now is drive in a car, listen to music and dream up scenarios and adventures.  It must be the writer in me.

So I end this wishing each of you a dreamy week full of imagination and adventures.  I also want to end it with this adorable photo of Cedar.  I FINALLY got him in his yogi pose.  He does this all the time.  Just sort of sits there in deep thought.  I wish my limbs could do this with ease...

cedar, taken with palm pre

funny face*

cedar's funny face, 19 months

He's been making this face lately when he's unsure about something.

Its awesome.

first music & dance class!

hillside artisans

My friend Stacy was in town with her family and spent the day at Sea World. It was there where she found what she called a REALLY hot mama resembling Cameron Diaz. This hot mama told Stacy about a yummy boutique called Hillside Artisans where you can find delish shoes, toys and books. So she sent me a text about it and the next day I dragged my boys over to this place...just for fun.  ; )

SO adorable.

Upon entering, we hear a woman singing in an adjoining room and she motioned over to us "So glad you're joining us, come in! Its free!" It was a music and dance class. There was only one other mother with her three year old daughter. We couldn't refuse.

Cedar was a bit shy when he first sat down with daddy. The teacher's voice was quite loud and she was singing right to him and his body language was that of pulling back. But then he warmed up within a few minutes and oh my, was he in his element!!

The next hour was one of the funnest we've had with him ever. As I've written here many times, he is just so connected to music and instruments and his whole body gets into the groove of it (especially with folk, bluegrass and oldies). So to see his face light up and then break into dance was AWESOME. The teacher wasn't expecting that at all.  It warmed my heart for her to recognize his soul.  He was really free with it all. He kept handing all of us his intruments and ribbons, wanting us to join. My mama heart melted all over and I got teary quite a bit. Boho Boy just beamed and got into drumming.

Cedar and I are solo, so so much of our days and this is why I try to go to Java Mama or the park as much as possible. So many have suggested I find a play group of some sort and I've looked at many options online. I haven't felt a pull towards any one group and as usual, trusted my gut with Cedar so much that I knew something would come along that felt right for us.

I love how beautifully this came into our day. That is how so many things in my life have worked. Just sort of putting that wish out to the Universe and serendipity surprises me with something so suited for my soul. I felt that this was so suited for Cedar's soul and felt grateful that being patient and trusting this process blessed him in this way.

The teacher has more classes at her own studio around the corner. So we are investing in a 6 week music/dance class for him, where a lot more kids will be there. I think this is a beautiful way to introduce him to socializing with others, in a place where he thrives and feels safe to be himself.

I wanted to share images I captured of the hour...

Walking to the boutique:

He's feeling a little freaked out and uncertain:

"Head and shoulders, knees and toes!" He knows this song, so he is feeling some familiarity:

He gets out of daddy's lap and decides he wants to pretend he is painting on the wall:

Okay, warming up to the idea:

Playing with shakers. He kept handing them to everyone.

Introduction to ribbon dancing! He was listening intently:

Wanting to share his ribbons:

This is when he let loose. Twirling, waving..woohoooo!!

Class done. He let out an "OMG, THAT ROCKED" yelp:

Walking back to our car. Resting on daddy.

Driving home. Leading to the best. nap. ever.

Then end of a day I will always cherish. The day when I felt a world open up for my son.

two things that are really fun...

Cedar learning how to run FAST like the wind, accompanied by joy soaked giggling!

A few of my photographs published in the Summer edition of Boho Magazine! Go grab a copy. So many delicious articles, gift ideas and eco-yumminess. I heart Gina, the editor. She created such a dreamy mag emulating her desire to live authentically and environmentally.

So totally fun (and rad).

xo

from Boho Boy in honor of Father's Day.

me & cedar swinging at a park, taken by my wife

Before I met my wife I was a ‘Fixer” You know.. the guy who loved to fix everyone's problems except their own. Was so easy that way. Mr. Helpful… don’t worry about me… I’m fine. After the umpteenth failed relationship, I figured it was time for some soul searching. So I went on a quest of self discovery and improvement.

I went to counseling and had to do the hardest thing I ever did: turn that magnifying glass on myself. It was painful. But the good kind of painful. Those of you that have done “the work”, know what I am talking about.

One day in my best friend's kitchen in Santa Barbara a door opened and out walked my wife. I knew it the second I saw her. A calm soft voice whispered to me, “There she is”, and that’s what I said out loud.

The urges to ‘Fix” and help all came rushing back in our first few conversations. The White Knight on his gallant steed. But she reminded me: “I don’t want you to fix anything... just hear me”… and I was stopped dead in my tracks. I didn’t want the old patterns to ruin this one. I took a deep breath and let go. All I had to do was love her, with no expectations. It’s so much easier that way.

And now I get to do the same for my incredible son.

Happy Fathers Day.

Love,
Boho Boy

me & cedar this weekend at a bookstore, taken by my wife

reading is sexy.

my boys at east beach, santa barbara {memorial day weekend}

; )

cutting molars & a fat lip.

cedar today in a mood

I planned on doing this romantic vlog for you all today by the window...with the light shining in and some inspirational stories about this new Kind Diet (via Alicia Silverstone's book) I am on and how wonderful I feel on it.

Then cutting more molars happened in our house. Cedar has been off and not sleeping well and the nights have been long and catching up to me. And today, in the beginning of a tantrum, I picked him up and he threw his head back into my lips so very hard. SO very hard. I finally know what it feels like to be punched hard in the mouth. I felt my teeth dig into my bottom lip and the torn flesh from it moving to the tip of my tongue and the gushing of blood down my chin. I sat there stunned. Cedar turned around to look at me, stunned. His tantrum stopped and my crying started. I tried breathing deep to stop the tears, to remain calm and unaffected in his presence but I sat there staring at him with my hand over my mouth, blood dripping through my fingers and tears, huge tears quickly spilling down my cheeks. I was a bit in shock. He rocked back and forth shaking his head and I rubbed the back of his head with my free hand. He didn't know how to express his sorrow. I understood that. I was in this strange in between place of wanting to be angry at someone for doing this to me, yet knowing there is no one to be angry at, all the while falling more in love with my son for being so empathic. What a strange myriad of emotions to feel in one moment. I had to distract him with his guitar, take a step away from him and call my husband. My heart was racing and I just needed to talk it out, to cry it out.

I know my emotions so easily came to surface because of my exhaustion and because of my approaching moon cycle and because this is the first time I've been physically injured by someone I love, even if by accident. It still feels shocking. I don't remember the last time I cried from physical pain.

Many dear hearts told me this was to come. That parents will get bumps and bruises from tantrums or what have you. I suppose I never expected a bruised, fat lip.

He woke up from his nap today and we held one another longer than usual. I sat on the chair rocking him and he was limp, feeling totally safe in my arms. I rubbed his jaw and planned my trip to Whole Foods tonight to gather herbs to make chamomile popsicles for him tomorrow. I might have one too.

Motherhood is a trip.

Edited to add: By request, here is the recipe for the Calming Cooling Herb Pops, sent to me by the wonderful Latisha (she gets her herbs at Mountain Rose Herbs):

Calming Cooling Herb Pops
2 tablespoons chamomile
2 tablespoons catnip
2 tablespoons spearmint
1 teaspoon valerian
1 teaspoon stevia

Steep in a quart size jar for several hours or overnight if possible. In a large pitcher, mix in 1/2 jar of juice and 1/2 jar of water
Pour into freezer trays
Wait about 45 minutes (depending on freezer setting) then insert popsicle sticks
Freeze overnight

Simply chamomile will do if you don't have access to the other herbs. }