,

tiny scenes from my parents house.

,

When at my parents house this week, I created these videos for Boho Boy because we were missing him so, so much while away. One of the tough things about his work schedule is that he can't take these trips with me all of the time and he might miss a milestone or two. BUT thank goodness for our Flip, text messages/videos, this blog and email to keep our family connected despite the distance.

I wanted to share the cuteness, though I feel I need to put in a little disclaimer for my marmie's sake. Their house was a bit disheveled because she had four guests staying the night in their small home plus an explosion of baby toys. I know she might want me to tell you that, although at the time none of us noticed the mess as we were simply enjoying being together. Now that I am sharing these bits with the world, she might notice it more. ; )


{sister darlene holding cedar}

, ,

, ,


cedar stoked at the airport, taken with phone

Cedar and I are back from our trip to go see my parents and sisters at the bottom of the Sierra Foothills in Northern Cali. This is why I have been absent. Oh how dreamy it was to be with my family, my people, my loves.

There was a huge glorious storm out there and internet and phone connections were in and out. I love storms. Perhaps because we don't get enough where we live in SoCal. My parents live on a few acres on the top of a big hill so they get most of the wind in their town. It howled and hissed and shook the house. We stood in awe looking out the window at how far their trees could bend without breaking (although sadly enough they did lose one tree and some branches off of others). It was Cedar's first storm and rather than being frightened at the noise and movement, he was thrilled and then slept soundly. He was about as thrilled as he was in the photo above that I took at the airport when we first got there. The airport intrigued him and he sat there flapping his arms like a bird while people watching.

Traveling alone left me feeling a wee vulnerable but I was simply amazed at how gracious everyone was. I had Cedar in a sling on my hip (FINALLY found one that fit for both of us) but still had other bags to carry, so taking all the liquids out of my bag and my shoes off were a bit of a challenge but kind strangers around me offered their help. It might be because Cedar has a way of flirting and drawing the ladies in with his batting eyes. Seriously though, he is starting to do this bashful twist of his head and eye batting. I promise he didn't learn it from me. Hmmm...or did he? ; )

While with my family, Cedar started mimicking, pointing, clapping when hearing the word "patty cake". He also started grabbing faces and pulling them towards his lips to kiss them passionately. When he did this to my sister she turned red and fanned her face saying "I haven't been kissed like that in years, what a lover!" We giggled. We marveled at how snuggly he is. He scoots into people and buries his face in wherever he can while stroking with his hands, then looks up waiting for a reaction with a huge smile. I just beam watching his personality come through and am marinating in this precious precious time. Sharing it with family...all who are such a close extension of me, just made my heart sing this week.

This is the first adoption in our family and it warms my soul at how very open and embracing each of them have been. It is so clear that he is not only so much ours but so much theirs and how his goofy, passionately loving personality fits our family like a glove. We just sit around him on the floor swelling with gratefulness and awe at how much he has brought healing to us as a family. Acknowledging how he teaches each of us how to love with more abandon and sit more patiently through the hours spent together.

While on the flight home today, he laid his hand on the arm of the woman sitting next to me and gave her a wide-eyed, genuinely caring smile. I noticed she didn't speak English but she stroked his arm back with misty eyes...a Universal expression of feeling seen and accepted and loved. These moments he gifts to me are shifting my heart in ways I am still trying to find the words for.

cedar's first trip to the zoo!

zoo4

zoo5

zoo2

zoo1

zoo3

zoo7

zoo8

It truly is a whole new experience for us when we're seeing something through Cedar's eyes. I honor him so much in that he teaches us to patiently observe all that is happening around us.

Living in the city near busy freeways, we unfortunately don't get a lot of nature with the exception of the beach now and then. Boho Boy and I love camping and we look forward to doing this with him when we feel Cedar is ready. There is just something about the forest that calls to our spirits.

We are learning Cedar is much the same. Whenever we've been around a lot of trees, Cedar is in meditating heaven. When the wind touches his face and the leaves dance about, he closes his eyes and breathes in (he's done this since birth and we marvel every single time). So, on this particular day at the zoo, there was a sweet breeze and while riding on his daddy's shoulders, he kept breathing it in with his eyes closed. He teaches us to do the same.

I learned how very brave he is. When watching the Gorillas up close, most all of the children cried and screamed when they came running towards them and plopping their huge hairy bodies right up to the glass. Not Cedar. No...he waves his arms about, pounds on the glass and talks out to the Gorillas with a big smile and look of wonder. Almost as if he was saying..."Come closer, come hug me tight! You're sooooo cuddly cute!" Although, one of his favorite books that he loves us to read to him is "Little Gorilla", so perhaps he's all down with their mojo and feels part of their tribe.

So, since walking through this zoo is like walking through a rainforest; being out in nature with actual trees, we decided to get a family pass. Now we can go as much as we desire and Cedar can believe we have Gorillas in our backyard.

{On another note...you can find me here at my dear friend Em's blog for 52 questions! I hope this question creates some juicy images within for you.}

i carry my family in my heart.

angela & cedar
angela & cedar, taken with phone yesterday

I know I've been a wee quiet. Been cocooning a bit. Really soaking in each moment with Cedar. He's been a bit under the weather.

Seeing Nie on Oprah had a huge impact on me. I too wish that I could sit on a comfy couch with her and let her know that her story has changed my humble little life. That when I saw that she couldn't hold her two boys after giving them a bath (because it must hurt too much to wrap her arms around them), I held Cedar most of the day. When I think of all she has to endure, I remember to not take the sweet, small things for granted.

Boho Boy and I watched it together and we were teary and after it was finished we held one another. He said "I too would break my back and walk through fire to save you..." (referencing Christian's efforts to save Stephanie after the plane crash). It was sweet and romantic and I believe him. He would be my Knight.

Stephanie is a radiant, beautiful being...both before and after the accident a year ago. I will never forget the glow in her eyes when she sat on Oprah's couch and told her and the world that we all have this incredible strength within us to endure what it is that is put in our path. Perhaps that is her message now, her purpose among so many others having survived that plane crash. I even tear up as I type this.

She talked about how she had a vision when she was in her three month medically induced coma. A being came to her and gave her a choice. "You can have this life (with your family) and it will be hard and at times embarrassing or you can have this other life, where there is also much for you to do." She said when thinking of her husband and children, the choice was easy. She chose the hard life.

My niece Angela (above) is in town and sitting in her presence yesterday I felt overwhelmed with such love for my family. I get to be with them next week. Flying there with Cedar to cuddle up. My father had back surgery and I've been aching to be there. My older sister Darlene and her husband just bought a huge farm, with an orchard and it is dreamy. We get to spend Christmas there. Angela and I were talking about all the white lights we could hang in the orchard. A little Winter Wonderland (sans the snow unfortunately). I felt incredibly blessed that I get to share this with Cedar. My huge yummy family just drinking him in.

I know these are all random thoughts but this is where my heart is this morning. My boys are still sleeping, the sun is slowly rising, the cool breeze is drifting through the windows tickling by skin, my yerba mate is steeping, my dreads dripping from my shower, my soul is full and grateful with thoughts of how much I carry my family in my heart.

I am also thinking of Nie and the gift her story is in my life and I know I would make the same choice she did.

winner & giggles.

The winner of one of Julia's gorgeous prints is "Coach BK"! How exciting! BK, do go to Julia's shop to choose your favorite print. You can get in touch with Julia by emailing her at juliafeh[at]yahoo[dot]com to let her know you are the chosen one. ; )

We so enjoyed reading all of your romantic and whimsical thoughts on Fall. Thank you for sharing and creating a warm and inviting atmosphere in this space. I am now craving hot cider while cuddled up in a sweater, hat and a scarf. *sigh*

I received this email from Julia tonight:

"After reading through all the beautiful and poetic comments people made about Fall, I decided I needed to put them together in some way. So, I went through all of them and highlighted words and phrases that jumped out at me and alas! a poem of sorts came through. Thought it might be fun to share with your readers (since they were the inspiration)."

The beautiful poem is on her blog here.

I also wanted to leave you with some true blue Cedar giggles (above). I know you may be leaving this post without having received a gorgeous piece of art but, seriously...how can there be sadness when you watch this video? ; )

{the winners of my giveaways are chosen from the random number generator here. we leave it up to the magic of the universe as to who is supposed to receive these gifts.}

Sponsor GIVEaway.

whispers of truth
"whispers of truth" by julia fehrenbacher

"When I look at this painting, I see quiet and peace, softness and simplicity; things we all are in our essence. I named it "Whispers of Truth" because paitning takes me to a very sweet and truthful place; this painting captures little whispers of that sacredness." ~ Julia Fehrenbacher

My connection to Julia is a special one that goes a bit beyond her being one of my fabulous sponsors. Her and I exchanged emails a few months ago when Julia reached out to tell me she had discovered the music of my friend Amy Seeley through my blog and wanted to share with me a cool story that went along with that. She was so moved by Amy's music, that she drove miles and miles to see her in concert. Shortly after the concert, the two of them connected and shared a deep and inspiring conversation.

Amy had told me about a blog reader of mine that she met one night following a show and absolutely loved and felt very kindred with. Then shortly after Julia wrote to me as well and it was one of those moments where I shake my head in awe and want to kiss the world wide web for bringing like-minded souls together in such miraculous ways.


the artist: julia fehrenbacher

To get to know a bit about Julia, here is her artist's statement:

"Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kiss the ground." Rumi

For as long as I can remember I’ve longed, even ached, for a creative outlet. I longed to find a life’s path that enabled me to connect with myself and others on a deep, soulful level.

One day over coffee, after expressing this deep-seated longing to my dear friend, she wisely asked me what I would do if I could do anything. I immediately said, I’d paint. This was followed by, Well, why don't you go do that?

And so I did. And I haven’t stopped. I am overflowing with love for this beautiful art form.

The longing has disappeared. It has been replaced with playfulness, giddy inspiration and a clear sense of possibility. Painting has become one of my many ways of kissing the ground.

I hope my artwork resonates with you. May you have your own unique and colorful way of kissing the ground---there are so many. And may the beauty you love be what you do.
With love,
Julia

**********************

Giveaway Rules:
  • Winner to choose any print in Julia's shop
  • One comment per person: Please share with us in one word or more what you love most about Fall!
  • Comments closed Wednesday, October 7th @ 9pm PST
  • The winner will be chosen randomly
  • Winner to be announced Thursday morning
  • Have fun!
, ,

storytime with the boho boys.

, ,

My boho boys reading together is part of our bedtime ritual. Last week, Cedar took it upon himself to start turning the pages, which blew me away. I mean, I am a new momma and am not about comparing milestones, so I have no idea if this is genius or normal but I find it so cute that he is doing this at 10 months.

Boho Boy is reading him Little Pea...a sweet gift from his Fairy Godmother.

,

squam has open arms...

,

peace out
peace to you, canon 50d {gloves knitted for me by jonatha}

There is a very tender, vulnerable part of me that feels conscious of how the gushing and mushy posts about Squam may bring up tender emotions in those that didn't attend this Fall. I know what it is to be on the other side, wishing you were there and feeling sad that you didn't experience the connections, the classes, the woods that we are all spilling about in our posts or Facebook pages. Not necessarily about Squam for me because I have gone to both Fall sessions (but missed the Summer) but more so about other types of blog gatherings/retreats.

The beautiful nugget about Squam that keeps me sharing is that Squam is truly open to anyone who wants to go. That what I am sharing about, you can be a part of...even if it might take a few years to save money or to organize baby sitters or preserve vacation days from work, etc. It is possible for anyone to attend and I truly revel in the open arms vibe that Elizabeth created in regards to this retreat.

Its hard for me to be part of anything that surfaces hurtful emotions in anyone that comes to this space because I am a sensitive soul that wants everyone to feel loved and desired and important and relevant. So, my hope in sharing my stories in regards to these types of events or gatherings is to provide hope to each of you and the possibility that you can create this in your own life. Even if on a smaller scale (hooking up with bloggers close by, etc.).

What I have found in my years of blogging and meeting those I have connected with online, in person, is that the transition is quite seamless in most relationships. I believe that is because blog communities that are attracted to one another tend to be like minded spirits, "kindreds" so to speak that are interested in the same heartful things and we all end up having quite a bit in common.

So please know that when I post about my soulful times away with other bloggers, be it a retreat or just an intimate gathering of friends, know that there is a tender spot along with it for me. Feeling tender knowing that some of you may ache for these connections on a very deep level and that it might trigger certain emotions. I have been there before but it was when that light bulb came on that I can create it too and opened up my heart to it, that the magic started trickling in...bit by bit.

That might sound cliche, so let me explain. So much of that for me in the beginning was letting go of the trying to connect and just focusing on my own growth, my own journey (which at the time was fertility related) and it was then that the friends that came into my life were the ones that were either in a similar space or had been there before. I suppose in a nutshell, we attract what we are needing if we recognize what it is we need. I was needing women in my life that had gone through their own fertility journeys and those are the blogs I was reading and those were the women I firstly connected with. Then it just grew from there...to friends of friends of those bloggers that weren't going through (in)fertility but were going through some type of grief and so much of it felt the same. Then it grew from there to women that were going through a healing, resurfacing or reclaiming of self and embracing the artist within and so on. Some of us have stayed connected through all the many layers and ever evolving paths.

All this to say that what I love about Squam is that it welcomes all of it. All journeys. All paths. All spirits...wherever you are. Even if you're in a space where you don't feel creative or artistic (someone asked me if Squam was just for seasoned artists, which it isn't...its for all levels). It's for you too. Its for all of us.

So, it feels good to be associated with something that holds a place for everyone and where all can feel a part of something so extraordinary and life altering.

And on a totally different note. I took this shot of Cedar yesterday and had to share it because it is the first shot I got of his two bottom teeth!

10 months
laughing with daddy, canon 50d

dread journey continued...

dreads...day 49
photo by thea coughlin at squam art workshops

I get so many sweet endearing emails about dreamy dread heads to be...or already dreaded peeps asking me what product I put on my dreads or what my maintenance is. There are also these really cool dreadlock Flickr groups where we reach out to strangers and ask one another such things and support one another through this wild journey of knotted hair.

Yet there are some out there that don't have blogs, Flickr or Facebook accounts and this is why I wanted to share my story here, for those folks and also for those that are closet dread heads where no one in your life has any idea you desire these locks for your own head. You're that person working in an office with button up shirts and ties or Banana Republic suits but meanwhile you wish to walk in with knotted hair smelling like patchouli and lighting incense in your cubicle. ; ) Trust me...I was that girl once. This is for you too.

And for that darling anonymous commenter that continues to tell me on a weekly basis how boring and annoying my dread posts or dread photos are, need I remind you that this is my Dread Journey and this is my journal to which I share my life. Which means I will share about it here just like I shared my Fertility & Adoption journeys. That will include photos. Just like all the other dread head blogs I have been reading in the past. I longed for recent photos and details of their journeys. It helped inspire me and gave me strength and bravery for when I decided to take the leap. So, if it bores or annoys you, you might want to just stop reading because I will continue to do this with hopes to help others along the way the same way I was helped. I find those comments so odd (and I don't give them an ounce of energy, really) because it would be like me going into your home, opening up your journal and telling you to write something different. Funny how we would never do that in person but in this public space, hiding under anonymity, people feel more free to spread their negative opinions about you.

And I suppose this opens up an opportunity for me to give a shout out to that other anonymous commenter that continues to tell me on a weekly basis that I am not paying enough attention to my husband as I always talk about Cedar and my relationship with my son. My husband and I actually giggle at these comments, mainly because there is a very good reason I keep him out of most of my posts. My husband now works in education with hundreds of teenagers (some of whom read my blog) and he is more comfy with me keeping most things private or else he will get teased or feel awkward and that's not what I want to bring to my husband's work life. People who know me both on this blog and beyond this blog (especially those reading for years), know that my connection to my husband is deep and romantic and crazy wild in love.

After years of writing a blog, I move through these oddities so much quicker than in the beginning. I am now moderating comments and deleting ones with negative, cruel energy as I want this space to always be a positive and safe space to land for all who come visit with kind intentions.

Okay, wiping hands of such things and moving onto dread goodies...

I wanted to post the most recent photo of my dreads taken last week at Squam by my frister Thea. I like how it is a close up and also shows what I am dealing with right now..."fly aways and fuzz!" At first I sort of freaked out about it. I was so used to the tightness of my dreads when they were first crocheted and I recall my dread stylist telling me "there will be a time when they begin to unravel and get fuzzy and it will be an adjustment period for you.". Most clients that live close to her make an appointment when the unraveling begins if they so desire (some really dig the fuzz right away and don't want it to be fixed). I don't have that luxury since she is all the way in Portland, an airplane ride away for me. So, I am currently planning a maintenance appointment sometime in November when another dear blog friend is getting her dreads. We thought it would be fun to coordinate these appointments and make a girl-fest out of it.

This maintenance appointment will consist of her tightening my roots (because they've grown out a bit) and crocheting in the long pieces of fly away hairs that have completely come out and working back in the fuzz wherever I want it tucked in. All done with none other than a crochet hook (no products).

That's the other thing...since I have crocheted dreads, I don't use wax products like other dread heads do that used products/backcombing in the very beginning to create their dreads. The products I use are only made of essential oils, water and aloe vera gel. This is just my personal preference. Some really love the other way of creating locks.

I started using Dr. Bronners Lavender Castille Soap but what I noticed was that it left behind some residue and I started getting little soap flakes on my scalp and dreads. It also made my scalp more itchy. Not very sexy... at. all. This may not happen to others as my dread stylist LOVED Dr. Bronners but it didn't work for me and the texture of my hair.

So, my husband ordered me some Dread Soap from Dread Head HQ and I love love love it. I notice that not only does it not leave behind residue but my dreads have felt tighter and cleaner.

To make my dreads feel soft and smelly good, I use the following essential oil sprays:

My hubs also bought me Knottyboy Locksteady Dreadlock Tropical Tightening Gel. I have only used it on one dreadlock to test it and noticed a wee bit of a difference but wasn't sure about how my dread felt a bit hard rather than soft. I may have put too much on. It says to use a teeny bit.

And just for fun...must show you the basket hat Boho Boy bought me for my birthday. It fits my dreads so well. That was one thing I missed at Squam, was a hat for my head when it was freezing in our cabin at night (hat didn't arrive in time for my trip). It is the perfect hat to wear this Winter, dear dreadies. Here are a few more lovelies for your pretty heads as well.

This is where I have purchased some dread beads. Beads are so fun. I take them out when I shower but put them back on different dreads when I feel inspired. Some leave them in at all times. I like to change it up a bit. My husband bought some more gorgeous beads for me here.

For those of you that are just now coming to this space and wondering where I got my dreadlocks, I went to the Dread Goddess at Akemi Salon in Portland. I wrote about it here on my blog.

It warmed my heart when I was approached a few times at Squam by some lovelies that wanted to share with me they understood why I did what I did. They got that getting dreads for me was so much more than a change of hairstyle. That I had been associating my beauty with my long flowing hair and have been hiding behind it a bit. It was absolutely refreshing to walk around Squam and not care what my hair looked like or not spend time making it look lovely. I am hardly consumed with my hair now and I can put my energy towards heart things. It is also so many other things to me but I have already shared it all here before.

Well, I hope this helps. It has been fun getting in contact with dread lovelies all around the world and sharing the wisdom and emotions and the support. It is an interesting and unique process to go through and it so helps to not feel alone. That may sound dramatic but truly...having a bunch of knotty ropes on your head can really bring up some interesting stuff people! ; )

,

blue poppy...a drowsy fabulist.

,

elizabeth maccrellish
elizabeth maccrellish {blue poppy}, canon 50d

"What we see isn't in things, but in our souls."
~ Salvador Dali

Elizabeth is the brainchild behind Squam Art Workshops, she is the creator of all things Squamesque. She had a vision, she followed the dream, she gathered like minded spirits to make it happen and last year was the first try. Now it is a revolution drawing kindred spirits from all around the world. It is a dazzling woodsy art gathering of all things creative and soulful. She took the leap and now because of her bravery, we have all been inspired to spread our wings.

Most Squamettes see her gracefully running around all week, checking in with students and teachers and camp staff to make sure all is well and flowing as it should be. Because she is the director so to speak, she doesn't have the luxury of gazing at stars on the dock or resting on a hill overlooking the lake or breaking bread with those she's been longing to connect with. Of course she is okay with this. She is one of the most selfless souls I know. Stepping back and observing all that is transpiring and seeing the beauty of what lies in front of her is what fills her soul during those five days. I liken it to the conductor of an orchestra. She gently guides, yet encourages each of us to play our instrument and create gorgeous harmonies together.

Elizabeth and I set aside some time together for a photo session away from Squam. She drove me to her breathtaking home in the woods, at the end of a woodsy road, overlooking Squam Lake. "This is me...this is who I am...I am a drowsy fabulist, you know..." she said to me with her arms wide open as to show me the view around her home. It is a side of her that most do not see and I felt honored, so honored to witness her melt into her couch out on her porch and snuggle her puppies and take deep long breaths and close her eyes. No one was calling her name. No one was needing her direction or her positive peace-keeping energy. It was just her and me and the breeze and silence. She let me lay her down in quiet and stroke her forehead so that she would release. She let me twirl her hair with my fingertips and place the curls where they were prettiest. "Yes, this is who you are, Elizabeth...a serene, soft, beautiful, peaceful, soulful, changer of hearts and souls...".

Even writing about it, I have tears. Those few hours were a precious gift to me. I needed some time away from the overwhelming outpouring of love that is Squam. I needed a safe place to digest it all. I needed to be reminded of why I do what I do. Why this is my gift...seeing people and allowing them to feel seen and understood and with it all...feel truly magnificently beautiful in front of my lens.

When we were finished with the session, we sat in her kitchen drinking spicy hot cocoa and sharing what the last few days had made surface in our hearts. We talked about our dreams we are now inspired to manifest. I remember how she was sitting there on the kitchen stool with a glow around her...she was almost whispering to me. It made me realize how very much she gave to all of us at Squam when her natural way of being is in such quiet, such meditation in her home. At times our eyes would well up with tears in those moments we felt safe to tell one another what we loved about each other. There is something about the magic of the woods that lets these thoughts spill. Thoughts you may otherwise keep to yourself. But in these woods, in the walls of her bright windowed home, it seems senseless to not share such things.

On the last morning at breakfast, she came up to the table where I was eating. She kneeled down on the ground and while looking up at me with her crystal blue eyes said; "You opened me up..." and she had tears. Then I had tears and we hugged and that is all that needed to be said.

On the plane ride home, I kept thinking to myself..."I wish others at Squam could see this side of her...the drowsy fabulist that she knows herself to be."

Then, a few days later, I saw this photo when I uploaded it to my computer and I put my hand on my heart and took a deep breath and called my husband over and said..."This is her...this is Elizabeth."

,

10 months today.

,


cedar & me today

I know this photo is completely out of focus and the Buddha art on our wall is hanging crooked (which is awesome...just keeping it real) but I just had to post it because of Cedar's expression as soon as he saw the red timer light on the camera. He is SUCH a little ham when we start clicking. Perhaps because he's had this huge black lens shoved in his face since the moment he was born.

Today he is 10 months old and I just feel the need to share about him. Over the last few days since I arrived home from Squam, we've been a bit attached to the hip. I had never been apart from him since birth (with the exception of errands and a few 2 hour dates with the hubs). We went from always being together to five days not together and it was tough on our hearts. Although being surrounded by artists and girlfriends in the woods was so healing and needed for mommy to rejuvenate, at night when all was quiet, I was deeply missing my boy and silently shed some tears in my pillow. We have a deep bond, him and I...and it goes beyond the mother/son relationship of fulfilling basic needs. He has this old soul spirit about him and being in his presence is so healing (and addicting). Its the spirit I was always connected to long before he came into my life but now he's just in the flesh. My family jokes around about calling him "baby Jesus" because he just seems to heal those he comes in contact with...both strangers and loved ones.

He did wonderful with daddy and Omi while mommy was away. So wonderful that a vulnerable part of me wondered if I was imagining this close connection him and I shared. I was happy that all was going well and that he was taking long naps and smiling, laughing and living brightly during those days without me but the selfish, irrational part of me wanted to be missed. I didn't know what to expect when seeing him at the airport. Would he just glance away? Would he ignore me? Be resentful that I left? Indifferent? These were fears I shared with a few cabinmates while snuggled up on our beds eating chips, hummus, cheese and grapes. Tears were shed as I shared how important it is I feel connected to him as a mother, especially being that I didn't carry or birth him. When these emotions surfaced, they surprised me but they needed to spill and they were received with such gentle open arms in the four walls of my cabin room.

So, the day I arrived home I was hanging out at baggage claim and I felt a poke in my back and I turned around to see my gorgeous tall husband standing there holding Cedar. Cedar was in an adorable pageboy hat with his big soulful eyes and he smiled big and said "mum!" with his hand stretched towards me. I melted...totally utterly melted. I grabbed him, kissed my husband romantically good and then didn't let go of Cedar the rest of the night. Boho Boy and I were cracking up at how joyful he was that I was home. He even squealed when I'd look over at him on the drive home from the airport. Okay, okay...so, we do have a deep connection and I was just being silly. Note to self: trust your heart.

Saying "mum" so clearly was a wee milestone for Cedar. He hasn't said words yet. He does the typical..."babababa" or "mumumumum" or other similar sounds. So, it was a delicious moment. A woman standing near us at baggage claim leaned towards us and said "that was priceless...all is better now." She saw me tearing up as I held him.

Another thing I wanted to share about Cedar that I find adorably cute is that he is a scooter. He refuses to crawl and all he wants to do is scoot, scoot, scoot on his bubble butt all around our hardwood floors. Its hilarious to watch. Must get it on video for you folks.

And lastly...he has the best chunker legs ever. He fits into 12 months pants and that rocks my world. So much to snuggle and squeeze and nibble.

Today I took him to Whole Foods and this dude covered in tattoos head to toe (and all around his face) approached us. He placed his head down close to Cedar's and said "you're the most adorable guy I've ever seen" and where I think most babies (and mommies) might have pulled back because lets be honest, this man looked a bit scary, Cedar put his hands up to his face to stroke his cheek. The dude got all misty and it made me misty. Seriously...baby Jesus, right? ; )

Happy 10 months baby...you truly are the brightest beacon in our lives.

, ,

squam.

, ,

the woodsy magic

squam kiss
kiss sent to my family via my phone on second day of squam

Many people coming back from Squam (both Summer & Fall sessions) speak of a magic that dazzles the woods. For those that have not been there yet, I can imagine they wonder what that really means. Last year at Squam, my heart and soul were consumed with wondering if I would get a phone call that our birth mother was in labor (she was predicted to have a preemie but ended up not). It was difficult for me to stay present. I felt the magic, the heart swooning, the connections, the beauty...but I am not quite sure if I listened to all that surrounded me intently enough. I am not sure I felt it as deeply as it danced around me.

This year was different. I walked on the gravelly dirt paths surrounded by trees, leaves and bark with a more peaceful, quiet spirit. I found myself just be-ing moment to moment. I heard the wind harmony of song through the leaves. I allowed for complete quiet at night, tucked in bed without needing to fill it with noise. I observed connections happening around me without feeling the need to be part of it. It was just beautiful to observe. If I did happen to be part of a deep soul friendship connection, I marinated in it without allowing the huge crowds to distract me. This way of being is home to me and it feels like years since I have come to this space of comfort within.

I remember my dear friend Jen coming up to me after a few days in the woods..."you seem so good...just coasting, just okay with everything." I knew what she meant. She observed me walking softly after years of observing me wanting to walk softly but being unable to. Others that have been part of my journey noticed too and rather than pull me aside and ask me a plethora of questions as to how or why I am in this space...they just let me be.

There were women from last year that from afar I knew were kindred spirits. Last year I was afraid to nurture those connections because they were mothers. It was hard to sit in the spaces of mothers sharing stories about their children. I protected my heart so much from anything that would surface icky hurty stuff when I yearned to not go there because I knew the well of sorrow would not stop pouring. Last year I wasn't in a space to let that well flow.

Again...this year was different. I sat snuggled onto beds or couches listening to mothers talk of their children with tears welling because they missed them. I listened to birth stories without feeling like I have missed out on something sacred. I shared my own birth story...how I cradled our birth mother while she bravely brought our son into the world. Our stories were all unique and I was now part of a tribe of women that supported one another gently. Ever so gently.

I sat with women I admire. Women that have discovered their true passion and dreams and have created a life for themselves that is so utterly extraordinary and inspiring. I listened, absorbed the stories of how they gathered all of their bravery to do so and the tools that helped them get there. And when it began to feel overwhelming because I tend to move slower with such things, I left the room and sat on my bed and closed my eyes and centered myself, feeling okay that I do things differently.

It was just five days of feeling safe in my skin and safe with others. Five days of walking down path after path and smelling the scents of nature and listening to the music it plays. Five days of giggling with my girls as they danced on the beds at night and let go of their inhibitions. Five days of stepping out and saying hello to those women I always wanted to say hello to (and snuggle with in front of a fire). Five days of somehow, somehow...not allowing my ego to take control but rather letting my ego go completely. Five days of feeling like a woodsy hobbit faerie nymph in my dreadlocks. Five days of loving without fear. Five days of feeling so fully inspired by over one hundred unique, beautiful, soulful, thriving, cracked open artists of all types, from all around the world.

More feelings to share soon.
More images too.

, ,

blog friendship box*

, ,

friendship box1

my contribution {"tribe" written over stripes}...

friendship box2

I was asked by the inspiring Erin of the blog "My Bohemia" to participate in the coolest creation dreamed up by Teeni. The details, instructions and participants are all here.

I am really honored to be part of this collaboration. Its another confirmation that blogs have truly brought communities together from all around the world and I love the idea of something tangible emulating this.

My contribution is a bit wonky. I am not at all a crafty bird...but what's cool is, there was no pressure to be. I just did what came to mind and what that was is the powerful word "tribe" and how often these are built from this medium and how we are all so very colorful and unique. Its a symbol of how we stand together to celebrate that uniqueness.

I passed the blog friendship box onto Jessamyn...a kindred spirit in so many ways. A woman that inspires me to be more mindful in all things and more gentle in all ways. A new friendship I am exploring and reveling in.

I am off to Squam. I am so in need of being in the woods, surrounded by magical beings and warmth and acceptance and inspiration. Last year was so wonderful but I felt consumed with the upcoming adoption, which happened a few months after. I also got the call at Squam last year that Cedar was a boy and not a girl. Not sure if I ever told that story. ; ) We had thought he was a girl for quite a while. It was a beautiful adjustment...one that transpired circled by my lovelies near a roaring fire. So much support and help through that transition.

This year I feel more open and free. More light and alive. More chill and with no expectations. More in love and more loved. I look forward to marinating in every morsel of it.

Will be back on Monday. xoxox

in memory of...

in memory of...
{mason jars on the beach, canon 50d}

9/11.

The morning of 9/11 I was unaware of what just happened. I was driving to work from Berkeley to Walnut Creek in my convertible Geo Tracker with the wind blowing through me. I did this every morning. I put on my business attire, swept my hair up in a baseball cap and off I drove into the misty mornings. It was my time to sing and take deep breaths before I walked through the doors of the corporate world. A place I never felt I belonged.

I pulled into the garage and noticed I had 10 missed calls on my phone. They were from mostly coworkers and some friends. I called a coworker back and she said in tears "where are you?". I just pulled into work, I told her and then she proceeded to tell me I shouldn't go back home and asked me if I had watched the news. No, I never watch the news or listen to it in the mornings. Too depressing. I save it for when the day is done. She then proceeded to tell me what was happening in New York and that the bridges in San Francisco are at risk of a terrorist attack. One is connected to Berkeley. I felt like I was going to throw up.

I hung up the phone and ran into my office. I was the executive assistant for the president of a large technical consulting firm. Our corporate office was in Newark, NJ. My boss liked living in California better. So, she commuted...all the time. You could see the towers from the Newark building. We had clients in the towers. We had client meetings on that day. A few of our consultants were to hold the meeting. I knew one of them and his wife very personally. We were friends. I also noticed in my panic that my boss wasn't there. That didn't make sense. She always arrived at 7am...a half hour before I did. She was supposed to fly in last night from Newark to San Francisco.

The news was in the background. When I heard the flight number, everything inside of me stopped. I swear I could hear my breath in a room full of loud people. United Airlines Flight 93 went down. Wait, why does that sound familiar?

I ran to look at my bosses flights. Yes, yes...there it was "Flight 93" on the records of her trips. This is the flight she always takes in the mornings from Newark to San Francisco. Perhaps she is not here because she decided to go this morning rather than her unusually scheduled red eye flight. I tried to stay calm and I called our travel agent. He was panicked too. He told me he doesn't always do it for her if it is passed hours. She sometimes books directly with the airline. I tried calling United Airlines. It was busy. Of course it was.

Everyone came into my office asking where she is and I had to pretend I had it all under control. I stayed calm but beneath the surface, I was trembling. Her cell phone was going straight to voicemail. No one was answering her home phone. You can imagine my thoughts.

For another hour I fielded many calls for her. Everyone that knew she took that flight often, was inquiring. I was also being asked to send out a list of the names of all of our clients and consultants that were in either one of the towers. So, that one by one, if we somehow got a hold of them and found out they were okay, we could cross them off the list and take a deep breath.

I'll never forget when I heard her voice. I was on the phone and I saw her passing my office and saying over and over..."I'm okay, I'm okay", holding her hand up and reassuring everyone in her path. I lost all ability to be professional and ran into her office and hugged her. She is not they type of person that is very huggy. She is very stoic and unemotional. But not that day. We hugged and tears fell. I told her I thought she was gone and she said "I know...I still flew in last night." She then proceeded to tell me that she's been on her phone all morning and that it died on her way in. She also told me she considered leaving this morning but felt in her gut she needed to get home to her family. Now she knew why.

Not everyone on that list was crossed off. Most of them were. And everyone that was crossed off had an odd story as to why they were alive. Either it was traffic or a personal phone call making them go outside or a drunken night that left them with a hangover or they were on one of the floors that got out. So many stories like this.

I think everyone I know has a story connected to this day and it is why we all feel it so, so much.

I'll never forget when Stephen called me. He was the consultant that was supposed to be in the towers at that time. He was the one that was my friend. An older gentleman with beautiful gray hair and the sweetest smile. Him and his wife traveled around the world as much as possible and he always came into my office sharing his adventure stories. When I first heard his voice say hello, my own voice cracked as I told him I thought I lost him. He started crying and told me that he feels guilty for being here. That he was in his hotel room and is usually on time to meetings but that his alarm didn't go off. He was late, just about to run out of the room with his coffee in hand when it happened. The hotel was close to the towers. He heard the airplane.

So you can see why on this day, so many memories surface for me. So many people I knew at that time in my life were directly connected or related to the victims.

I don't mean for this to be depressing. I don't talk about this day much. I think this time, I needed to write it down. It feels cathartic. And since I consider this my "journal", I know it doesn't have to be perfect. It can be messy. I am doing this for me. For healing and also in remembrance and in honor of the victims and their families.

They will forever live in our hearts. And I will forever remember how good my boss smelled that day when she nuzzled my face into her shoulder. How I wish everyone else got that chance to hold the one or more person(s) that they lost that day. Just one more time. Someday, somehow...they will.

I was turning 30 on September 15th. I was supposed to be in my dear friends wedding that day. In Chicago. But I couldn't fly there as the airport was closed. I wasn't expecting anything on that day. There was no reason to celebrate. I missed my friend's wedding I've been waiting for all year.

My girlfriends surprised me. They met me at my cottage and told me to get something pretty on. They drove me into the city (san francisco). It still felt like a risk, crossing that bridge. I think we all held our breath. They were determined to make me smile, at least once. This was supposed to be a huge milestone, turning 30, but to me, it wasn't consuming my thoughts.

When we arrived at the block full of restaurants and bars we noticed no one was out. It was quiet. You could almost hear a pin drop. But most places remained open, even if empty. So, we spent the evening at this pub...all sitting up at the bar, talking with the bartenders and wait staff. Everyone had a story about how they were connected to someone in those towers. There were tears shed and hugs and stroking on backs and hands being held. They were all strangers to us but by the end of the night, they felt like friends. I never saw them again but I will never forget their faces.

This is how our nation came together during that time. Even today, when our nation feels so disconnected, it is this day that breaks down the political party walls and a tenderness seems to wash over. Even if just for a day.

,

green smoothie.

,

the result...


cedar, taken with cell phone

Today I learned that Cedar really loves smoothies. Especially when they're green. Got this recipe from Auntie Schmoops (banana, mango, spinach, rice milk).

Been quiet in this space. Just trying to rest up and simplify my thoughts. So, I share with you my silence and meditation. Sometimes words feel like too much and deep breathing and quietness sooths the soul.