Dear Janssen's...

sara & her bebe lucy, scooping up curry goodness in our kitchen

cedar, sara & bella inside their RV

inside of RV, serious faces discussing traffic we're about to face on highway. ; )

Being with Sara and her family tonight was so serendipitous. So wonderful to rest into their way of wholesome living when coming off of a cleanse. She is rich with wisdom on being mindful of all that goes into her body and extends that wisdom into being gentle with precious Mother Earth.

I am excited to drool over her food blog. So totally inspired by her conscious choices with food and presentation and love infused wholesomeness for her fam.

Being with them brings a whole new perspective on living wildly. So intriguing how they live in their gorgeous RV that runs on veggie oil, tour around the country, connecting with like minded spirits and communing with nature. Their 5 year old daughter Bella gave us a quick tour of their home and oh my...Sara has done wonders with making it funky and full of character. They are all about possibility and thinking outside of the box. It feels so contagious. It just shifts things. Opens you up. You want to ride on the energy of their positive force.

Of course my gypsy spirit is so tempted. Lets do it honey. Lets just sell our house and buy a Boho RV and make it into a home and travel the world. Seriously! I am in and I feel so honored and blessed that if we did choose to take this leap, we have such special people in our lives to help guide us.

Dear Janssen's...you ROCK our worlds. Thank you for being the change our world needs...and thank you for not minding when Cedar kept petting Bebe Lucy like she was a kitty. ; )

A few photos taken by Sara & Matt...

no more lemonade!

cedar in my shades last night, celebrating with us, taken with phone

Yesterday was our last day on the cleanse. We decided to end early because we have friends visiting tomorrow and since they travel all over the country in an RV for months we wanted to provide them a home cooked meal. I just couldn't see myself cooking a veggie curry while sipping lemonade. Call it no will power. Or call it a deep need to connect with my friends when they are here while passionately enjoying a healthy meal together. Not only would it have been awkward for them to eat in front of us but it would have been pure torture! Not into torture, thanks. ; )

So today its all about orange juice to help prepare our bodies for solid food. Mmmmm! I am going to be gentle with the curry. I won't put any sauce on it. So, for me it will be brown rice, tofu, tempeh, veggies, pineapple, raisins, etc. Oh the joy.

Yesterday (Day 8) was so tough for me. I woke up feeling grumped out. I am sure much of it was psychological. I struggled with ending the cleanse a few days earlier than planned. I worried that we were halting the detox process too early. I felt disappointed that I had only lost a few pounds and I only felt this way because Boho Boy had lost twice as much. Boys! I also just felt so very done with lemonade and anything liquid, really. All of this was because it was the last day. Its the same feeling right before vacation when you just can't seem to focus on anything but not being at work. Or the last day of school and you just can't bring yourself to do your studies.

I had to really regroup and get centered. I had to come to a place of forgiveness about ending early and an appreciation of my priorities about gatherings with friends. I had to embrace all the goodness that came out of 8 days of cleansing. The fact that I am craving pure and wholesome food. That processed food and meat make me want to gag. That I feel I have reset my desire to take care of my body, mind and soul. I am also grateful for all of the emotions that surfaced. Stuff I have been burying deep and that sans the brain fog, I could work through them with more clarity. I love that Boho Boy and I have remembered how sacred quiet time together is, sharing more and not needing to numb out on a film. We were extremely connected during this process.

Yesterday, to somewhat make up for not going the full 10 days, I did a colonic. My very first one. Lets just say I didn't enjoy it that much. I am extremely modest with that sort of thing, so I think I wasn't relaxed enough (not to mention the funky head space I was in). The technician was so very patient with my nerves and helped me with massage and a calm voice. I am glad I went through with it and I can say that today I feel lighter and fully cleansed and pure as a result. They discussed with us that they have a 21 day cleansing program that involved eating and supplements. I think next time we do a cleanse, we will try this.

We have bookmarked and cut out a plethora of raw food recipes. The gourmet kind. So, now we need to dust off our food dehydrator and have some fun. I am allowing myself to actually look at recipes today. Oh man...I can't wait.

I apologize for not doing a vlog everyday as I said I would try. What is happening in Haiti just sort of shifted that desire for me. It felt a bit self absorbed or presumptuous that anyone would be interested when I would hope their energies would be with those in Haiti and not with me. I know my readers are gentle beings with huge hearts and I knew your focus would be with Haitians and the inner shifts going on inside of you as a result.

Being on a cleanse while this happened in Haiti absolutely made me more present to what was transpiring there. It brought to surface my missionary heart. This is something I need to look at. Much of my meditation was spent in prayer for them. I wonder if I wasn't on the cleanse, if my intentions would have reached that level of empathy. I would hope so but I am not certain.

Thank you so, so much for your coaching and support through this process. It has meant the world to me and has made a huge difference in how far I went. I feel grateful that I did an 8 full day cleanse feeling circled and wrapped in love.

No more lemonade!

compassion.

Yesterday and today I just can't seem to bring myself to record a vlog about my cleanse. My heart is heavy with what is transpiring in Haiti and me sitting in from of a camera sharing about my body eliminating toxins seems self absorbed. But I know many of you are just starting the cleanse or going to do one soon and were hoping to hear how it is going. So I promise to write a bit at the end of this post. I know full well how important it is to not feel alone on a cleanse journey. I don't know how people do this alone. I myself need partners to get through not eating for long periods of time. Food is a huge part of my life and it will continue to be so and I am looking forward to next week when we can play with some raw food recipes and soups and getting creative with veggies. But just me even writing this feels strange. There are thousands of people in Haiti that just need a glass of clean water and a blanket and I am talking about playing with recipes. It just puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?

Somebody dear wrote this on my facebook page today about Haitians...

"let's see them as healthy and well and safe, let's not give any more energy to the suffering. see them as cared for and fed and having water to drink and knowing the world loves them."

I know what she means. She is hoping us envisioning them in this way will manifest this healing. I am holding onto this vision then too. Because all I can do from here is pray and donate and spread the word and now...I will be envisioning healing beyond the suffering.

I was talking with Cedar about compassion yesterday. This morning I remembered that when Cedar was born, Myriam had sent us this shirt for him to wear (in photo above) for when he was a wee older. Its a design from her awesome company Joy Spread the Word. I grabbed it out of his dresser and felt chills when we put it on him. So perfect for what it is I want to teach him through all of this. I already see compassion in him in his behavior towards adults and even children at the park. I want to raise him with compassion for the world. Its the missionary heart in me that I hope to share with him as he grows older. I'd love to see our family someday trek to another country in need and give of our hearts there. My oldest and dear friend Letha and her family living now in Uganda are such an inspiration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Master Cleanse Days Six & Seven:
I feel like during the days I am coasting a bit. I am not around crowds of people cooking foods in an office kitchen like my husband, so I feel blessed that I can cocoon here in my home. The hardest part for me is the night. Especially last night (day five). I was feeling down about Haiti and I noticed I was hungrier. Its a mental thing because I associate hard emotions with comfort food. I was craving unhealthier foods for the first time in a few days. I laid down with my husband on the ground with Cedar and whined about me wanting my favorite naughty meals. What continued to put it in perspective were those in Haiti dealing with hunger and thirst in a horrible way. I stopped rolling around on the ground complaining and just drank more water, tea and lemonade. Took a lot of deep breaths and remembered why I am doing this; to rid my body of toxins that have been making me feel like crap.

I do feel like I am in detox mode. My tongue has a white film on it. I am eliminating much more than I did in the first few days of this cleanse. I need a nap during the day and I cannot do too much around the house. I go in and out of euphoria and being pensive and emotional. Although I no longer have headaches.

Overall I am doing much better this time around than the first time doing this cleanse. I am not getting sick so far with mucus filled lungs as before. I love how soft my skin is and I notice my face looks a bit younger. I was dealing with some dark under eye circles and bags and fine lines between my brows. I notice it seems more smooth. My mind is definitely more sharp than it has been in months. I even worked on my ecourse for a while the other night and felt inspired and jazzed and nourished by it all.

I am not losing a lot of weight this time around either. I think the first time I did this cleanse by day 7 I had lost 10 pounds. This time I think I've lost about five. It could be that my metabolism is slower now that I am nearing 40 or that my body is focusing on other things. I am trying to not put too much energy into the weight loss.

We are going to have to cut our cleanse short. We have friends visiting on Sunday that tour around the country in their RV with their family. They will be in our town this weekend. We really want to provide them a home cooked meal in a house since they are always on the road and how boring for us to be drinking lemonade while they eat our delicious food! So, we will start drinking the orange juice and broth on Saturday...the 9th day of the cleanse. This way the gathering will be comfy and warm and inviting.

{see my previous post for links on how to help Haiti}

Praying for Haiti.

My heart this morning is heavy for the people of Haiti. I am lifting all of them up in prayer. I have lit candles and shared with Cedar the importance of helping those in need. They were already burdened from three hurricanes and now this.

I wanted to share some links with each of you...and also provide a space for you to share your thoughts, emotions, prayers and healing over what has happened.

Press release from President Obama.

Earthquake Haiti Facebook, where people are posting photos of missing loved ones.
Oxfam: make a donation to the emergency response in Haiti.
CNN iReport on Haiti...looking for loved ones.
CNN/Impact (updated & donation info)
Daily Kos: Helping the Victims of the Haiti Earthquake
World Vision: make a donation for Haiti earthquake relief.
The Huffington Post: How You Can Help.
USA Today: Kindness blog ~ how you can help.
Donate thru Unicef

You can donate to the Red Cross relief fund in Haiti by texting "HAITI" to "90999."

For updates:
CNN/Haiti tweets
Anderson Cooper's tweets from Haiti.

lit in our home today for Haiti.

boho master cleanse ~ day five

You will be able to see in this video that my spirits have lifted so much. A lot of that has to do with all of you that were brave enough to spill about your own journeys regarding the desire to nurture your creative self when there are other commitments you also want/need to be present for. I feel so honored that you feel safe in this space to move through your own emotions. They teach me. They nurture me. They guide me. I am sitting in a soft, grateful space today because of you.

My hubs and I had a good chat about opening up more space for me to create. Meaning, we are going to schedule in evenings that I go out to a coffee shop or hide upstairs in our studio with ear phones and work a few hours per night (or at least every other night). The only reason why this "me" time has faded was because his work load became greater (he works a full time job during the day and a full time job owning his own database design firm at night and he also helps a few other peeps with computer stuffs). We are working as a team to figure out how he can lessen his load so that he can spend more time with us, as well as, nurture his own creative path (which is writing his novel) and how I can have space to finish my projects and connect to that passionate artist within me.

I love you Master Cleanse! If we weren't doing this it might have taken longer for us to carve out time to open up and work through it. We have been consuming our family moments with eating dinner and then perhaps watching a film later in the evening. Now that we're just sipping lemonade all day there is ample time to work on the inner hurts, the inner passions and questions and desires in our hearts that a pizza or big plate of pasta has been replacing. ; )

We don't have all the answers yet but the fact that we feel more mindful and more aware feels very harmonious with the shifts we want to create in our life going forward after this cleanse.

Meeting Cedar's needs is of course our first and most important priority, so we are taking one day at a time with these new intentions and Cedar's happiness will be our guide. We've been waiting for Cedar for so long and we are in a space of not taking this time for granted.

Took this photo of him today. Oh how his sweet gentle spirit makes me swoon:

Thank you for all of your love and I am blown away by how many of you are starting your own cleanse. Do use this space to spill your journeys. Its wonderful to hear your perspectives on not eating food for a week (or more).

Off to sip some more Lemonade and oh yes...limes are a fun switch up. I will do limes twice a day to make it more exciting! And the slushy bowls at night are a huge hit around here.

{Forgot to mention in the vlog that my tongue is definitely coated with the white icky stuff which tells me I am deep in the trenches of detox!}

{{cedar engraved heart necklace i am wearing in the vlog is designed by stacy of bella wish!}}

boho master cleanse ~ day four

cedar & me on the flight home from christmas holiday, taken by jon-erik, processed by me

hello my dear life coaches and gentle supporters!

so, i didn't do another video last night because if i had, i would have been sobbing and it wouldn't have been pretty (perhaps amusing though).

a lot of emotion surfaced for me last night. my detoxing wasn't so much physical but more emotional and i know that is part of the collective experience when cleansing/fasting.

my husband and i got into a discussion about our future. there are things that need to be different; like where we root ourselves in a home, him working one job rather than a few and me beginning to contribute financially more than i am now. if i wasn't in a tender space and was in a more logical space, i would have been a super star but instead, i was on the defense and unable to sit in his space and only able to stand in mine and all i felt was overwhelm. i also felt like i wasn't enough. this wasn't at all coming from him but i was projecting it onto him that he was saying these things. truly, it was coming from that Virgo spirit of mine that tends to be a perfectionist and feels she needs to have all of her ducks in a row in order to start something and if they are not in a row, things never start and i end up feeling shame or failure.

the beautiful thing is that i recognize this as it not being truth and is just those inner gremlins that want to bring me down and not look at all i am doing and being and feeling and experiencing (which is amazing). those inner gremlins put my blinders on and only want me to look at what is not being accomplished and rarely what is.

all of this was part of what i shared a few posts ago. i am really marinating in this time with cedar and learning the ways of being the kind of mother i want to be. being inspired to delve into things i never thought i ever would (sewing is one of them). i am also wondering where the other parts of me fit in. the woman who has a book to write and a story to tell before it fades away into nothingness in my mushy brain. the woman who has a soulful ecourse to finish writing and designing so that it can get up and running and go gently out into the world of hearts that need it. these are all parts of who i am and i am not willing to let the later two go but i am needing to figure out ways to make sure they do not take away from my intentions to be a very present mother. everyone deals with these issues, i know. yesterday they just felt so enormous to me. any other day i may have eaten a pizza or a bowl of ice cream or freshly popped corn but when you're on a cleanse, you are faced with dealing, not avoiding.

so, there were a lot of tears, which ended in hugs and apologies and empathy and lifting one another up, sitting in one another's spaces. nothing has been resolved. we sort of laughed at the end and decided that being on a cleanse and discussing these huge issues is tender territory and decisions don't need to be made right now. but they are weighing heavy on my heart.

receiving your kind comments about the glow you see in my skin and my eyes yesterday helped. ; ) of course that feels very motivating! although i think part of my glow had to do with really good lighting as the previous two videos i did was in crap lighting. but i will still embrace your kindness and receive it as truth! my skin does feel softer and smoother today and i feel lighter in body and looser in my clothes and as though i am into the groove of not eating. i feel more clear on why we are doing this. doing a lot of research on cleanses and fasts and how healing they are to the body.

i don't feel hungry today. i actually feel a but nauseous. it could have to do with the fact that i had a cup of straight senna leaf tea last night, which kept me up the majority of the night with horrible stomach cramps. i typically drink smooth move tea, so i am going to go back to that one, as the straight senna leafs don't quite agree with me at all. smooth move tea has senna leaf but also other tummy soothing herbs.

i wanted to share with those that suggested using Himalayan pink salt in my morning salt water flushes rather than sea salt does indeed help with flavor. it is not as "sea salty" but i did notice it not working as well. so, this morning i took a deep breath and went back to the sea salt...which was awful but it works so much quicker!

my niece today suggested i try limes instead of lemons for a day for something exciting and new! ; ) so i am going to get some today at whole foods.

i feel drained today from last night. really quiet and mindful. softly walking in my steps. allowing myself to feel tender and to pay attention to my dreams and goals in a gentle way.

thank you for hanging in there with me.

boho master cleanse day three

I addressed some of your questions and shared my thoughts on a very hard night and an awesome tip to make it better. ; )

boho master cleanse ~ day two

In my vlog I share about how I felt yesterday, last night and today. I have many of the same physical feelings as I did the first time I did it, which I posted in April 2007 on my old blog (scroll down to bottom of page).

I also wanted to share some photos I took of Cedar a few days ago. He is such a light in our life and is our major motivator for being more healthy and is why we are doing this in the first place.

boho master cleanse ~ day one

Boho Boy and I are on the first day of the master cleanse today. We have been mentally, emotionally and soulfully preparing for this day for a while. This is our third time doing it.

The first time was with an intention to detox our bodies and open up a healthy space to conceive a child. Our second time we wanted to detox but our motivation was more to lose weight and you can understand that with this, we didn't last very long. This time, we are in a clear and more enlightened head space about it all.

We want to get back to a place of being in touch with our bodies. That space of being conscious of what we put in. For a long while now we've been feeling out of touch and craving not so very nurturing foods for our bodies and souls. In fact, all I want these days is pizza and pasta. I don't really crave vegetables or raw foods the way I used to. I feel it in my sluggishness. In my mood swings. In my not so glowy skin and under eye bags. I feel it in my heart.

We have tried other cleanses but it is this one that we felt worked the best for us. In the future we will experiment with different ones again. This is something we are comfortable with having done it before.

I am going to try to document a little bit each day on a vlog. It is you who will be holding me accountable now (gently) and this is the very reason why I am sharing it with you. I need life coaches and support over this!

The first time when we made it through the 10 days, I became really ill with mucus in my chest. It was all part of the detoxing but it really put me in bed. I can't afford that to happen this time around, so I am crossing my fingers and toes that the detoxing process this time around will be more gentle. Cedar needs me!

He also needs a healthy momma. I am so ready to rid myself of the icky toxins down deep. I know with all of this comes other emotional upheaval. I remember that from before. So I can imagine I will be sharing those parts too.

Cheers!
{clinking my glass of water, lemonade, maple syrup, and cayenne...YUM}

Daily Routine/Recipes:

Morning Salt Water Flush: 4 cups of warm distilled water with 2 tsp of Sea Salt

Six to Twelve 10 oz glasses per day of:
2 Tbs fresh squeeze organic lemon juice
2 Tbs organic grade B maple syrup
1/10 tsp cayenne pepper

All the water you want/need
All the herbal tea (decaf) you'd like

1 cup herbal laxative tea before bedtime

Goal: 10 days!

a peek into our home.

our living/family room

All day today I have felt so filled up by the circling of empathy and support in my previous post. So much so that I actually felt really energetic today. To be walking around in a body that wants to dance to music and move furniture and gasp...even decorate (!) felt fabulous.

I am often brought to my knees with awe at how powerful just being understood, fully understood can be. I am in love with the synchronicity of me spilling my heart and at the same time, those that read my words are in the same. exact. space. This has happened quite often in this space and when it does, I always envision this ginormous circling of souls around the globe. Each of us holding hands, lifting one another up and holding one another close. Because that is what it feels like.

Cedar has been going through a phase where he is falling on his head and nose a lot. I think its the space between crawling and standing and all the in between. So, yesterday I decided to move stuff around and surround our space with more cushion, perhaps a rug and some more warmth. I was so pleased I wanted to share it with you today. Because well, if it wasn't for you...I may have not had the inspiration to get moving on this project!

Many of you have asked me to share images of my home and I have been shy to do this. Today it felt right. So, I am sharing with you the space in our loft where we tend to spend most of our time these days. Someday soon I will share with you the upstairs where our studio is and perhaps even a peek into our indigo bedroom.

You will see that it is important to me to fill my home with the warmth of my family and friends.

what sits up top an old library cabinet that boho boy brought home from work. the gorgeous lantern is from anthropologie...a christmas gift from my niece angela! the love words print is from my dear frister thea and the buddha coaster is from gorgeous blue's travels.

this is our diaper changing table. the baskets below are full of burp cloths & bibs, diapers and pajamas for cedar. it also acts as a place to put our laundry basket when i am too lazy to put clothes away. the floral bamboo shade is supposed to be on a window but i like it as art just fine. the big book shelf to the left has many vintage suitcases and bottles from both of our parents on top.

this is my family photo wall. i just started putting these up and i have many more to frame. i am just waiting to find unique frames. any suggestions? cedar's toy baskets are overflowing with sweet gifts from many of you.

cedar's play area (love his chub) and where he loves his post-nap drink.

this is our music and rocking corner. the shrine on the wall is of swirly's art. ; ) the white circled crocheted blanket was made by my sister darlene...just for cedar. the tapestry/bell hanging on the wall is from my friend marianne that she brought back from Afghanistan.

our kitchen. boho boy brought these counter tiles back from Mexico. we want to eventually paint these walls mustard yellow. the green lantern hanging is from Omi that she brought back from Turkey.

i just got this apron at cost plus world market for 50% off. aprons make me want to be in the kitchen more. ; ) i feel more sassy and creative in a foodie way (plus i am a bit of a klutz with food).

the entry way to our loft. boho boy created storage space on the right. it was a hollow wall. so he did his sexy construction thing and made three huge storage rooms and covered them with these lovely wood panels. yum! my next project is to organize them, as we have pretty much just stuffed everything in there.

As much as this feels a bit vulnerable to share the spaces we spend our hours walking around in our pj's (or naked), it feels like I am sharing parts of me that I'd love you to get to know. It has been a while since I have felt inspired to put energy into this part of my life. I have you to thank for that.

{disclaimer: my home isn't always this clean. a few hours of toddlerdom and its a lot more, shall i say layered!}

my pace.

cedar & me by the sea, taken by jon-erik, processed by me

I woke up feeling tender today.
It could be hormones. Or life shifts. Or dream shifts.

I took a peek outside of the cocoon I have been in. I saw friends that I love doing tremendous things. Teaching classes and workshops. Writing Finishing books. Inspiring the world with original ideas. Being their beautiful, yummy selves that always attracted me to them in the first place. I felt a swell of happiness for them. Humbled they are in my life...and that I have been a witness to their tremendous growth in how they teach me and teach others with all that they are.

Then I looked within and noticed I wasn't feeling enough. That lately I haven't been doing enough. I was comparing. Something deep stirred within me. That feeling where a fire has been lit under my tush. Knowing that my ideas need to be shared. Remembering my story has purpose, as do all of ours.

Then I found this photo (above) on a CD that Boho Brother left on my desk. He took this while he was out here and I remembered what I have been doing. And that is enough.

Now as I write this, I feel more gentle with myself. Trusting that I will find that balance between raising a boy and accomplishing my creative goals. Having faith that I will be gentle when at the end of the day, if I am too exhausted to write or create, that it is okay to rest. Giving myself plenty of space to do things the way I do things...and being okay with that. Even though many of my friends are mothers too and yet still do more than me. Its okay if my pace is different.

images of christmas.

I didn't quite take as many photos as I had envisioned. In fact, I imagined I was going to walk around outside the Farm and capture the many trees in the orchard and the house from a distance and my rain boots in the mud. Alas, I was too soaked in family love to think about those things and I remained indoors, snuggling with my kin. I did manage to capture a few moments and the rest are taken by Boho Brother. Neither of us like flash but it had to be done in the evening hours. I didn't capture everyone but most. Perhaps with these images you can get a wee idea of the abundance of love on Christmas Eve & Day.

Christmas Eve:

cedar always thrilled about books

new drum!

cedar is our entertainment at the farm

super pooped out but refuses to take nap

Christmas Morning:

cedar has no idea what to do with the gifts

mommy teaches him


marmie got lots of green shirts. she looks rad in green.

daddy loved his uber soft LL Bean shirts!

boho brother loves his witches ball

daddy shows cedar how to play with his wooden blocks

me and cedar breathe in some fresh air, soaking in my parent's view

The eve of Christmas:

my sister darlene reading to cedar

my niece angela showing cedar how to drum

dar, angela & me

dar & my niece kelly sing with cedar

my niece kelly christmas eve and day

my nephew mark & cedar

marmie, boho boy, my sister pam and nephew mark playing with cedar

my niece angela and her yummy man jon

my nephew sean teaching cedar the wooden drum

It's been a while since a baby has been in our immediate family. ; ) Seanzie was the last bebe until Cedar and look at him now!

I heart my family.

how we celebrated.

cedar bear today at henry's market, taken with phone

This morning I woke up with an intense sore throat and head pounding with aches and a body that just wanted to lay still. Usually a flu creeps up on me but this one was so sudden. My first thought was that Boho Boy had a lot of work to do today and Cedar is feeling tender with teeth that are cutting through his gums and oh my...how am I going to be present for them when I feel this way?

When Boho Boy first laid eyes on me this morning, he knew it was bad...so he dropped all of his other priorities and gave us so much love all day. He bundled us up in the car and took us to Henry's and we picked up immune boosting goodies. Then he asked me what I wanted that wouldn't so much help heal my body but heal my soul and I said "bread sticks!". He smiled huge.

I've always wanted warm, melt in your mouth, garlic salted bread sticks. My honey made me gluten free ones tonight. It was pure heaven. Pure melt in your mouth, crispy on the outside, moist on the inside, buttery, garlic-y heaven.

He also made us some fresh veggie juice, heated up some soup, put blankets on me and all was good and ready for two Star Trek films. Yes, the new Star Trek film made me curious about the old ones and you know this is a major turn on for Boho Boy. He had no idea when he met me that I would someday be this into Sci Fi stuff. It was fun to giggle at the old outfits and hair do's that were supposed to be future-like but were oh so 70's. Awesome. Medicine for my soul.

Cedar cuddled us good today. He too was in the mood to chill.

So this was our day. The first day of the year. Despite my whole body feeling achy, my heart was full of so much love for my boys. It still felt like a celebration.

Oh, and did I mention I loved the bread sticks and when I told Boho Boy it was the best bread I've ever had, he looked so totally proud of himself? It made me want to dip him in garlic-y salt too and eat him up. ; )

I am wishing all of you sweet simple moments of celebration.

LAUGHTER in the New Year.

me & cedar christmas morning at my parents house, photo by jon-erik

All of my friends are choosing words for the New Year. A word to help guide them throughout 2010 to bring more of what they want/need into their life. I haven't had much time during the holiday craze to think of what my word was...until today.

I was remembering the day after Christmas at my parents house. We were all doing our own thing. Marmie was cleaning the kitchen. I was picking up baby nibbles off of the floor. Boho Boy and Boho Brother were reading on the couch. Daddy was playing a game on his laptop. Cedar was in the high chair finishing up dinner. The kitchen and the living room are connected in an open space, so it is easy to feel together, even if in separate rooms.

I stood up from kneeling on the kitchen floor and noticed a white napkin on the counter open and with a few crumbs on it. I moved closer and it became more clear that the crumbs were chunks of peppermint and white chocolate. I felt my head become hot and my heart started racing. I gasped out loud and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. I am sure they thought Cedar had fallen from the high chair or that I hurt myself or something extremely alarming because THAT is how loud my gasp was.

"Who ate my Peppermint Bark?" I asked in pure panic, because you know...the world was about to end.

It was quiet. Everything felt slow motion. Then I saw sitting near the napkin up on a little box was the big square chunk of peppermint bark in a ziplock bag. I then squealed and I jumped up and down, holding the candy in my hand.

Then as I came out of my blissed out little girl bubble, I saw that everyone was looking at me with their mouths dropped open and it was then and only then, that I realized how totally ridiculous all of what transpired was and I started laughing at myself.

Laughing so hard that my nostrils moved up and down and tears flowed and my belly ached as I held it tight and I danced around the kitchen. Everyone's laughter followed. Mmmm...a house full of hearty laughs.

Let me explain my panic. You see...I made a huge deal out of my husband picking up peppermint bark on the way from the airport to the farm (he came a few days after me). On Christmas eve I was so consumed with loving on my family the entire night, I never ate a piece. Then the following day on Christmas, when we gathered again at the farm, I had every intention of eating some but again was being too social to remember. So at the end of the night when we all said our goodbyes and packed up, I noticed a few pieces left in the tin can it came in. I grabbed a big piece with all of my might and basically yelled out at my sister across the room "this is mine!!!" because she loves it too and she just had to share. I brought it home wrapped in a white napkin. When my mother was cleaning the kitchen, she put my peppermint bark in a ziplock bag, so that no one would throw it out.

So, now you can understand more fully my devastation at learning someone may have eaten my long awaited piece of precious peppermint bark when seeing the empty napkin!

A few days later when we were packing up the car to head back to the airport, my marmie pulled me aside and said "It was so good to hear you laugh like that. It has been a long time since I've seen you laugh that hard. It felt so good. It was one of my favorite moments." I felt a lump in my throat and thought about what she said most of the ride to the airport.

She's right. I used to laugh a lot more. I have taken myself a lot more seriously than usual over the last five years. Going through (in)fertility and then the adoption and then becoming a new mother. These are very serious things. And yes, so much joy to be had in it all but as my reserves have been elsewhere, I haven't really had a lot of energy to laugh that deeply. Or more importantly, laugh at MYSELF that deeply. I used to do that all the time. ALL. the. time.

I felt sad for my parents, realizing that it must have been so hard to watch their free spirited, goofy daughter get so serious and deep within for so long. I saw it in my marmie's eyes. That my joy is her joy and she felt hungry for it. Hungry for my joy.

I honor all the seriousness we went through. I honor every bit of it. I am grateful. I do not regret. I am deeper and wiser and more mindful.

Although...my word for the new year is LAUGHTER. More laughter. More moments of not taking myself too seriously and exploring the humor in things like someone else eating my coveted piece of peppermint bark. ; )

If you'd like a space to share your words or thoughts on the new year, I am opening it up for you here. Blessings to each of you. Blessings on your hearts throughout 2010.

photo of the day.

me & cedar snuggling at Pannikin, photo by jon-erik

so apropos. ; )

loving my boho boys.

the bro's strolling cedar on the beach.

i love my boho boys.

boho boy sandwich.

boho brother teaching nature.

live long & prosper. we just watched Star Trek (the new film) last night. we are feeling very geeked out.

the boho boys on christmas at the farm...opening necklace made by my sis

boho brother christmas morning, wearing his hat from cedar

boho brother giving cedar a puppet show

boho brother teaching cedar how to drum

Thought I'd post just a few images of Boho Boy, Boho Brother & Boho Baby...otherwise known in this space as the Boho Boys. ; ) The ones on the beach are from today. Just a few hours ago. The rest are at my parents house and at the farm during Christmas Eve & Day.

Being with these three beings of light is full of some of the most healing stuff. Such heart warming goodness to be discovered in the energy between them. They create magic when they walk side by side and I feel so protected in their love bubble when we're all together. There always seems to be a balance to our moods. When one is grumpy, the other two make them laugh, when one is tired and needs to rejuvenate, the other two work harder so they can rest. Its quite the comfy balance of yin and yang. We will miss him so when he heads back to Canada tomorrow.

So I inquired with Boho Brother about his romantic life, for those of you that left crushy comments about his darling-ness. He allowed me to share with you that "I am indeed single right now, out in the country, building a Zen home and living in my center." I told him that wouldn't help and that now my crushed out readers may find him that much more sexy. I love that the boho boys seem a wee clueless to that sort of thing. It was one of the things that attracted me most to my husband when we met. He was so unassuming about his appeal!

More images of the holidays to come...

elfin christmas.

We are home.

I have so many images to share from our holiday in Northern California with my family. Such an unforgettable few days shared together.

Boho Brother is still in town. Today we took him to a Buddhist temple and meditation garden and tomorrow we are driving our VW Bussy to the beach for sand/ocean naps and a finger food buffet. Then he heads back to Canada on the 30th.

I think we're all drunk with love. Seriously. I thought I couldn't love my family any more than I do but to see them through Cedar's eyes was crazy beautiful. I will spread the love soon on this space.

Until then, I thought I'd share with you the wee elf that visited us on Christmas morning.

{for those of you that inquired...the hat Cedar is wearing is from Everyday Beautiful. a dear gift from Em. he's modeling the hat as a newborn here}

full to bursting.

cedar, 12.5 months

Today I woke up really feeling the season. I sat near the window sipping my hot yerba mate. The window was open a wee bit. I felt the chill. I watched a woman down below walking her dog, holding onto a coffee and was mesmerized by the steam coming from her cup. She crunched the red leaves with her boots (the ones you see above). She was bundled up. I think its finally Christmas in Southern California.

My boys were sleeping. I could hear Boho Boy's heaving breathing through the baby monitor. I glanced up at our Christmas tree and took a deep breath. This time last year we had a newborn. Cedar was one month old. Boho Boy's brother was in town from Canada and we stayed at a hotel near the beach. We were missing family and we thought the beach would make up for that longing. It did...just a little bit. A Christmas we'll never forget. Many hours of snuggling our wee little boy while listening to ocean waves rather than Christmas music. It was surreal. Boho Brother would come in after hours of long walks along the coast and bring us a bag of beautiful rocks and sea pretties.

This year a new tradition is beginning. My older sister Darlene and her husband just bought a farm on an orchard of almond trees in Northern California. On Christmas eve we are having a party at the farm. Finger foods and baked goods and wine and beer and so much togetherness. This will be the first party we've had in years. I am aching to see my grown up nieces and nephews (ages 16 - 27) and sit face to face and hear them. Truly find where they are in all places in their lives.

Christmas morning we will wake up at my parents house at the bottom of the Sierra Foothills and watch Cedar in his bliss, probably snuggled up to Callie-Lu...my parents snickerdoodle, I mean Golden Doodle doggie. Then again to the farm later that day for a more formal turkey dinner. Boho Boy will be barbecuing veggies. My sister Pamela is doing the yams with marshmallow goodness. My niece Angela is stir frying veggies. Darlene & Jay doing the turkey (brined for 24 hours beforehand). Boho Boy, his famous cranberry sauce with bourbon and my marmie is whipping up her delicious layered jello salad.

There will be walks down the orchard lane, all bundled up and arm and arm. Rides on the ATV with Cedar (either squealing or crying...we shall see if it is fun for him!). I am so stoked to see their new home. A home that Darlene said was "meant to gather her loved ones all in one place as much as possible".

Cedar is all everyone is talking about in anticipation for this time together. How this is the first Christmas they are spending with him and how he will be our entertainment and our joy. You can imagine how full my heart feels. It is full to bursting. Full to tears. They have been on this journey with us...every step of the way and because of this, Cedar holds such a remarkable place in their hearts.

We are leaving tomorrow morning and I am taking a blogging break until we arrive home in the New Year.

I wish each of you hearts full to bursting at this time. I wish you gentle flowing peace during the hard parts...as I know full well holidays can be so bitter sweet.

Happy holidays to the most warm, authentic, loving, moving, inspiring, radical, dear and gentle readers in the blog planet.

xo
The Bohos

pola magic.

As promised, here are the Polaroids that Susannah took of us while she was here visiting. This meant so very much to us since the last photo session we did as a family was when Cedar was 3 weeks old...with the amazing Tara.

I may have mentioned already that Cedar took us by surprise a bit by his modeling skills once Susannah started clicking. He would be in full throttle laughter and as soon as he saw the camera pointed at him, he would look into her lens and give her this "camera face" you see above. Where did he learn how to flirt with the camera so intensely? We were cracking up.

I am so impressed with her Polaroid magic. The first time I saw her in action with this type of camera was at Squam this year and she captured such moving imagery. Especially with portraits. When friends of mine have raw talent like this, I never take that for granted or assume they will bless me with any of it. So, when she expressed how deeply she wanted to capture us with her Pola, I was touched and well, I think it shows that I feel so very honored.

me & sus

It was healing. She helped me to feel so beautiful that day. I am going through this thing where I feel a bit frumpy and tired and new-mom-ish and Susannah danced through and brought some sexy into my life. She encouraged me to take down my vintage boots and wear tights on my legs and a dress that showed them and just like I felt transformed with lingerie a few weeks back, I felt transformed again. There was a moment when she was telling me to do this more often. To keep my boots down from the closet and make time to dress up and go out...even if alone. I got teary. Sitting there in a cafe, with her shooting me with her Pola at our table outside, I just realized how I feel I had perhaps lost that part of myself. That girl who dances in her boots.

I do love so much to put on my layers of organic cotton and play on the floor with my boy and get messy each mealtime as him and I help him to explore food. I do adore and marinate in all of those moments. I think what I realized is that with the messyness and play and hard work of a new mom, that it is so important to nurture the other parts of us. The parts that came before. When those neglected parts are nurtured, it helps me to be more present and have more reserves for my sweet family.

I am forever learning. Forever doing my inner work as a new mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, artist. It seems every day I learn something huge and even if its the same thing I may have forgotten the week before, it looks different today.

wishing on the boho tree.

We wanted to adorn our tree with ornaments made from wood this year. Part of our longing and hope to preserve Mother Earth. Wanted to share a few of my favorites.

I love hearing Boho Boy share with me each year how him and his family would go find a Christmas tree with roots still attached and after the holidays they would plant it on their property. Not all of them survived but most of them did and their home is now an enchanting forest of holiday memories.

I hope someday to be able to do that with our own wee family. We have dreams of living out in a country, not far from ocean and mountains where most of our food comes from our own garden. I see myself learning how to sew, so I can design and create adorable organic clothes for our family and friends. I see Cedar with nature at his footsteps where he can roam and explore his imagination, like Boho Boy and his brother were able to do growing up.

This is my official wish for the New Year...that this dream of mine begin to percolate and evolve and come to fruition...someday, somehow, somewhere.

Oh and our country cottage-y hobbit home of sorts must be close enough to a city, so I can also get my funk and groove on. ; ) Yes, there ARE places that embody all of this magic. I have been to them. I swear.

Do you have any wishes to share? Make a wish on the Boho Tree. ; )