dance*

portrait session, 2009

Yesterday, Cedar had a very late nap, which meant he would go to bed later than usual. So, we took him to the beach to run out the energy in his bones.

It was dark but moonlit. Stars were twinkling brighter than usual. The horizon was a midnight blue dipped in plum. There were only a few others on the beach as well...far enough away to where you could hardly see them. Silhouettes from a distance. I stayed back as my boys walked into the shallow water. Cedar was up top Boho Boy's shoulders. He walked out until his calves were soaked under.  Cedar's voice echoed with each wave.

I wanted to walk the shores or to run but they were too far for them to hear me. The waves were crashing loud. I knew if I left, he would wonder where I had gone and it was dark enough to feel lost from one another.

So I took a deep breath and decided to stand still, be present in the moment, tilting my face up to the midnight sky. But I still had to move. So I danced. I really danced. I had no idea if people could see me from a distance...those silhouettes, dipping their toes into the water, hand in hand. I decided not to care. I twirled a bit, threw my hands out, swayed from side to side.  Even got a bit groovy.  I had my own rhythm in my head. It felt freeing. Being in, REALLY in Mother Nature releases your inhibitions, doesn't it? There is a sense of home and belonging. We are meant to be there.  Ocean, sand, moon, stars, dance.  It all makes sense.

Then I imagined what it would be like to walk around seeing more people dance in the moonlight. The thought made me tear up. What a beautiful sight that would be.  Perhaps someone who reads this will do it tonight. I hope.

guest post by marianne elliott*

marianne & me, taken by susannah conway {2007}

The last few days I have been able to rise in the morning earlier than Cedar and rather than wake up my bones with a steamy cup of yerba mate, I went to youtube to find a 30 minute yoga series. My body  has been yearning for it.  Oh I have missed it so and subconsciously, I have created every excuse possible to not practice. One of them being that all the classes and teachers around town that I love are at times when I am with Cedar. Stretching my body, doing sun salutations with the morning misty air tickling my skin and my husband quietly busying himself about getting ready for work, felt like a healing balm, like home. It also felt sweet to see my husband excited for me while kissing me goodbye. He knows how much my soul needs this.

When I shared this with my dear friend in New Zealand, Marianne Elliott, she gently, humbly encouraged me to try her ecourse and I couldn't believe how perfect the timing was. 30 days of Yoga with one of the most inspiring and amazing women I have ever met in my life. It felt more intimate for me to be guided by a friend that has walked with me on my life journey. So, in October, I will be doing it! I would love if you would join me for more than just your body, mind and soul...there are deeper, more meaningful reasons Marianne is leading this course. Read on to find out...

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Karma, Yoga and the Kindness Revolution

Like my dear friend Denise, I have a lot of capacity to feel the suffering of other people. I’m guessing many of you share this trait. It can be hard, to feel so much. But I’ve learned that the pain I feel when I see suffering can be a catalyst for me to take action for positive change.

And it doesn’t have to be hard work, this action for change. We can bring about change in ways that use our unique mix of strengths, passions and resources. In fact, we do our best work when we are following our enthusiasm and our joy. So why not do our best work for good?

That’s why I’m taking what I do best (teaching the yoga of kindness) and using it to change the part of the world that is within my reach.

My 30 days of yoga courses are a gentle path to a more compassionate relationship with your own body and spirit, and they are sparking a kindness revolution. This October, I’m taking the revolution even further.

30 Days of Yoga: the Karma edition

Every dollar spent on the October session of my 30 days of yoga course will be donated to support projects addressing the HIV/AIDS crisis in South Africa. (NB: The money will be donated via the Engage Network, the parent organization and 501(c)(3) for Off the Mat, Into the World. For more information on how the money will be distributed and spent, please read on here.

But the donations are not the only way in which the Karma edition differs from previous 30 days of yoga. I’m going to have a very special offer on the price for this session. The offer is designed to give everyone a chance to take part, no matter what their resources, and at the same time, it will allow you to be as generous as you can to the great cause we are supporting.

Registrations are open now, and they will remain open until 3 October. So if you think you could benefit from some ‘kind yoga’ in your own home, then sign up now and please – be as generous as you are able.

Why am I doing this?

In some ways it doesn’t make sense. I’ve invested so much time and money setting up my course. I’ve finally covered all my expenses and could start making some money from it. So why decide to give it all away?

It’s because I now know why 30 days of yoga was born. I never planned this course. It created itself out of a random invitation I made on my blog one day, calling on people to join me in a 30 day yoga commitment. I have sometimes wondered what it was all about. Where did it come from? How did it fit into my purpose?

Part of my purpose is to spread the revolution of kindness, to free people from the tyranny of fear and self doubt and help them find the courage to become a force for good in the world. 30 days of yoga has become a big part of how I do that. I teach the transformative yoga of self-kindness, and it really does help set people free.

But free to do what? I hope it sets people free to serve others, to live a life of courageous compassion, to create positive change.

Which is where the Karma edition of the 30 days comes in. This is an opportunity for you to deepen your own yoga practice, your practice of self-care, at the same time as you help create positive change in the world. It’s the coming together of two incredibly important parts of my life and I really, really hope you’ll be part of it.

And if yoga isn’t your thing – or if now isn’t the right time for you to begin the 30 days of yoga – you can still support the projects I’m raising money for by making a donation (more information about how to do that here.

Testimonial:
“I’ve been yoga-phobic my entire life. Marianne Elliott changed that (and my life in the process). Her 30 Days of Yoga is amazing. She’s one of the best teachers I’ve ever experienced (and I’ve been a teacher for many years). She customizes your class to meet your physical and emotional needs while staying totally mindful of your available time. If you want to do something extraordinary for yourself, I can’t think of a better teacher!” – Brene Brown

More information:

For any more questions about the 30 days of yoga, see the 30 days website and check out these FAQs.

For any more questions about the projects we’ll be supporting through the 30 days Karma edition, check out this page.

Marianne Elliott is a change-maker, a human rights advocate, a yoga teacher and a writer. She is the creator of 30 days of yoga: an online course to establish a regular home practice of yoga and to build a kinder relationship with your own body. She is currently writing a memoir about her life as a UN peacekeeper in Afghanistan.

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Love this photo taken of marianne, boho boy and me by susannah during their trip out to the states in 2007:

grandmarmie's jewel.

cedar's grandmarmie, canon 50d

It warms my heart so...that my marmie has her very own Cedar necklace, made with sincere love by my friend Stacy of Bella Wish.  He really has come into this family with a sweet, healing spirit...at just the right time.

I write this as I hear him lightly pounding his starlight turtle in his crib before he falls asleep for his nap.  I could tell he needed alone time.  I am learning to pick up on his cues.  Sometimes we forget that wee ones need their space and solace too.  And how he does his soul work is to drum.  My friend Jess and I were talking about Cedar's drumming and how the rhythms sound so tribal, coming from deep within his gut.  Many times he repeats the same rhythm while he sings something along the lines of "hooya, eye-ya, mee-ya, la la, hooya oy-ya, ma-la ma ma".  He does this with his eyes closed and his head moving side to side...and I just envision Cedar in another life before this, dancing around a fire with his people, holding onto a drum and lifting his face to the full moon, surrendering.

Cedar and I are so deeply connected to the moon.  We feel her fullness deeply right now.  The last few days have been all about surrender.  This Bella Wish pendant and jewel hanging on my marmie's neck reminds me of the harvest moon.  Grandmarmie carries Cedar's spirit close.

besties.

Wish I had my Big Camera close for this shot but alas, my Palm Pre phone had to do. Just couldn't miss this moment and had to share.

lion hat from Baby Gap
peace tree tee from Wren Willow
yoga pants from Makrista Baby
crocheted blanket made with love by my Sis

Cedar has been a bit tender the last few days due to his last two sharp teeth up top coming through.  So, I have been quiet in this space and trying my best to be fully present and navigate my way through his emotions.

Pretending to be a Lion REALLY took his mind off things.  ; )

Be back soon...xoxox

cedar up in the loft.

We haven't let Cedar climb up the stairs to the loft or explore up there until very recently. The stairs are not the safest, as you can see with the rough tile from Mexico. So now that he seems more confident about climbing, we're granting him his wish that he's had probably since we first brought him home. ; )

I wanted to capture him in a 10 minute span. He went from tortured artist, to singing the teething blues to climbing glee to exploring something sparkly. And this is just 10 minutes. Oh how full my days are when I walk through his world presently.

He's growing up, non? *sigh*

i love mud.

{this is me, at the end of the day, lounging outside at the hot springs.  taken with my phone for my family and friends that were inquiring how i was feeling.  i think this photo says it all.  especially because i still have mud in my dreads!}

On my birthday, I woke up to a spa packet on the table with a note that said something a long the lines of..."You have given so much to me and Cedar and have lost countless hours of sleep without much alone time.  We want you to be pampered."

He sent me away yesterday to Glen Ivy Hot Springs for a day full of treatments (massage, detox wrap, facial, pedicure and an underground body mask & shower). I then went to a hotel and spent the night in a huge bed, sleeping longer than I have in two years, without interruption.

Holy tears.  Boho Boy often tells me that he sees and recognizes all the little things I do as a stay at home mother and wife but there was something so beautiful about him planning this for me.  It was a testimony to "actions speak louder than words", you know?  I really FELT that he got what I was needing and honored me and created this space for me to renew myself...even if it meant that the weekend would be extra hard on him having to manage both work and Cedar, with no help.  It was selfless and I do not take that for granted.

So, I love mud now.  ; )  There was this area called Club Mud where you walk into a muddy pool and in the middle is a pillar with a huge clump of mud and you smooth it all over your body, step outside, lay out in the sun until it dries and you exfoliate your body with a towel and then stand underneath a tiny cave with a shower in it. I have never done this before.  My body loved it.

These particular hot springs were not exactly what my husband imagined for me.  It was actually a bit club med-like...with cement and pools everywhere and people drinking and partying and making out.  It was definitely a social place to gather and I think I was the only one alone.  But there was a moment when I was in the Grotto, which is an underground cave-like place where when you first walk in, someone brushes your body (with your bathing suit on) with a lotion type mask and then you walk into this other dark room where you rub the lotion into your body for 20 minutes.  I was surrounded by couples rubbing lotion all over one another getting so totally heated if you know what I mean and there I was sitting by myself.  It was then that I had an epiphany.  Hey...this moment is all about self love for me. This whole days is. So I closed my eyes and gave my body love...especially those parts that I can often feel disconnected from and I sent those bits energy of acceptance and forgiveness and pure unconditional lovey love.

This ritual was all this weekend needed to be about.  A time to reconnect with my spirit, my body...to breathe and listen...to be gentle and quiet and empty the mind.  I am so grateful for this gift my husband gave to me.

Today I am home and I feel so renewed.  It is wonderful to be back with my boys.  I walked in the door to a husband that greeted me with a big romantic kiss and a long hug.  He sunk into me and I could tell he missed me as much as I missed him.  I spooned Cedar in our bed until he fell asleep for his nap.  My nose was nuzzled into his curls all dried and crispy from daddy's breakfast that morning.  He smelled like dirt and eggs and I loved it.  My senses feel heightened.  I feel rested.  I have more energy.  I even feel a bit more sexy.

I think if we were to go to another hot springs, it would be more the hippy kind.  You know...where the pools actually are in the ground and you can be naked or not and it is a quiet space where people aren't talking.  Do any of you know of a place like this?  I'd like to send my husband there and perhaps go there together one day.  We do know of Esalen...but are there others?

free*

Yesterday, on my birthday, I felt so loved.  Seen.  Heard.  Understood. And you know what? I really needed that. I've been dealing with a few rough things the last few weeks, which has led to some very raw and vulnerable feelings surfacing. Stuff I need to keep a bit private out of respect for others involved.

So yesterday just felt like a huge healing balm. Just so much love from people all over, all day long into the night and I found myself walking softer and breathing deeper and smiling more and lightening up.

Today I woke up to something that rocked me to the core.   It amazes me how a day can shift from one to the next. I was faced with some emotional terrain that wasn't easy for me to walk through, yet I did and with support from loved ones, I got through it and will lay my head down tonight feeling more centered and fully in my integrity.

One of my dear friends sent me this today in an email...

When we say no, or when we follow our dreams or true callings - people might be "disappointed" in our choices.

Allowing people their disappointment sets us free.

~ Christine Kane

This pretty much sums up what its all about for me today and I found this so powerful, that I wanted to share it with you.  Saying no can be harder for me than people realize.  I am a sensitive and empathetic soul, not only about my own emotions but others.  Sometimes the lines blur between my feelings and theirs.  So there are many more layers to making this step for me.

The people pleaser/nurturer in me is learning how to let go.  I allowed others their disappointment and/or disapproval and it truly does set me free.

39 is sublime.

self portrait, 2007

Today I turn 39. I am excited to be approaching 40...just like I was excited to approach 30. A new layer to my journey.  Sinking deeper into who I am.  Deeper into being more comfortable in my skin.

I've been tender with emotion the last few days.  Sitting with these feelings  Stepping into them.  Reflecting on my life, the balance between openness and protecting my heart.  Meditating on what feels authentic in my bones and what feels forced.  I sense a renewal coming.  A cleansing of sorts in many areas of my life.  I've been thinking about age and what it means to me.

I remember in my late twenties, I was outside of my parent's house and my dad noticed a gray hair on my head. "Geeez...you have a gray hair!" My response was "Really? Where? That's awesome!"  I don't necessarily feel that way about gray hairs on my head now. : )  But I do notice that I am not afraid of age but rather intrigued and thrilled.  Not sure if that will change but I am reveling in it now.

I took this self portrait while waiting for an appointment with a well know psychic in my area three years ago.  This waiting room was so very eclectic.  Not too long after this photo was taken, I was told by said psychic that a boy spirit of a baby I had in another life wanted to come back into this life to be with me.  I was a Queen, which allowed concubines to breastfeed my children and one of them was left longing for a deeper connection to me, in this life. My life had been easy...many things done for me or to me, without much independence.  In this life I wanted to know what suffering felt like.  I wanted to feel more, period.

She said other things but these were the two that continue to come into my mind.  Here I am three years later with a boy and my whole life I have FELT...everything.  Intense suffering has led to intense joy.  Not sure what to believe...but what I do know is that her telling me that felt romantic and seems to parallel how my life is unfolding.

{i woke up this morning to a husband singing happy birthday to me, hovering over my pillow lit up by a candle burning, stuck inside a gluten free/vegan raw raspberry cheesecake slice.  a.d.o.r.a.b.l.e.}

 ps. the psychic also said that my husband was a nobleman in our past life and we were in love but not allowed to be together and that is why he searched for me in this life.  that's pretty hot.  ; )

tea with me.

me on my veranda in the morning, canon 50d

If you were to come over for tea, what would you have on your mind and heart to share? Connecting to your sweet souls and imaginations always is such good company when feeling a wee lonely.

pinkie ouchie.

cedar at my sister's farm, canon 50d

This photo has nothing to do with what I am going to write about...but I stumbled across it today and think its so cute. I am adoring Cedar's hair these days...and giggle at the natural part in the middle.

So, I can't type well. This is going slow. Last night I was cutting into a whole onion and I felt the knife go into my left pinkie. Boho Boy was playing on the floor with Cedar in the family room (which is right near the kitchen) and I grabbed my finger, pulled it against my belly...

Me: "Omg! That was bad. REAL bad. I think it was REALLY bad!" as I walked over near him with the look of massive fright on my face, shaking my head.

Boho Boy: "What, what??? What did you do??"

Me: "I cut it bad. Real bad." {Iwas so totally panicking and repeating myself}

Boho Boy: (getting up and hovering over me, trying to pry my hand from my belly with a really calm voice). "Let me see it honey, its okay, let me see it."

Me: "It's getting numb! It feels like its hanging! Its hanging, I know it is!!" I buried my head into his shoulder and lifted my hand up to him and it took forever for him to slowly pry my other hand off of my finger. He takes me over to the sink because of the blood.

Boho Boy: "I need to see it honey." (really calm). "I think you just cut your nail off. Its okay, let me run it under water. It might sting. Its okay."

Me: "Omg, its hanging, isn't it? Is it hanging?!?!?!? Its bad, really bad."

At this point I am standing behind him, resting my back on his back with my left arm wrapped awkwardly around and in front of his chest. I know as the words are coming out of my mouth I am being TOTALLY dramatic and I surprised myself at how I as being this way. All these thoughts are going through my head, like...I can't believe Cedar is seeing me this way (he was standing at the gate in the kitchen talking in his own language, looking worried) and how can my finger feel like its hanging off when its not?

Boho Boy: "I think you just cut your nail off and a bit into your finger. Its going to be okay, babe."

Relief washed over. I was so taken aback at how calm he was the entire time. So chill, not at all reacting to me over reacting. Later we talked about it and he said down deep he was really scared and thought I may have chopped the tip of my finger off but he said he's always been able to keep a calm face and demeanor in panicked situations.

I want to be more like this and I know I will need to be like this with a little boy that loves to climb and jump and explore and gets at least one bruise a day right now. I can just imagine when he is older. How do you practice calm in the midst of panic? I am hoping instinctually, it will kick in for me but I notice when Cedar's been hurt in the past in a bad way, it was always Boho Boy that was the more chill and me that cries and gasps.

Well, now that I think about it, the times he has hurt himself and Boho Boy wasn't around, I was more calm and centered about it.  That's interesting.

Okay, my pinkie really hurts to type...even with a pretty green bandaid on it.  Goodbye...

soul that came to my heart*

brave stepping, taken by boho boy with my palm pre

Something I received in the email by a dear friend, about Cedar, that made my heart swell.

he's so beautiful.
and he's yours...
this soul that came to your heart.
that grows in front of you.
every day... something new.
big laughter and smiles.
and tantrums and blow out poops.
curly sweet sweaty hair after a nap
cuddling into mamas boobs.
sitting with his frog legs, pulling books into his lap.
he's amazing...
and he's your baby.

it feels like you've always had him.
like- i don't remember you without him.

bonus photo...love this of my boys:

urban faerie*

amy seeley, canon 50d

I remember receiving this song from my friend Amy in its raw version via email. We exchanged our thoughts about it. My heart felt hers deeply. It was something different. Something brave. It inspired stepping out and trusting her own voice, not just her unique singing voice but the one deep within.

"I am prone to dream in colors like the shades of the Catalinas...".

I listen to it now in its finished version and I feel goosebumps and teary.  I have seen friends with a blank canvas begin to paint their first stroke and build and layer and writing a song is much the same.  To see and feel it from the beginning, it creates a connection to that piece.  I feel so connected to her song Catalinas.

Her music draws me into layers of myself that store so much emotion:  wounds, joys, holding on, letting go, grief, celebration, realization, awareness, secrets, openness, longing, peace. I like sitting with the feelings she evokes.  She's like this urban faerie releasing magic through her words, her soul and her voice sounds so other worldly.

If you'd like to hear her new song Catalinas, you can download it for free here.

a post on travel and oneness*

photo of me by deb schwedhelm

If you'd like to learn about a nugget of my time spent in Romania...read about it on my post over at the beautiful Gypsy Girls Guide blog.

xo

tender father*

Sometimes there are no words to express what I feel for these two. Especially when they're together and I am observing from a distance. I love watching their relationship unfold. Boho Boy is such a tender father. Every time Cedar holds onto his daddy or snuggles into his chest, Boho Boy melts into him with eyes closed and big sighs. My heart flutters each time. I think this photo says so much more than I can put into words.

How did I get so blessed?

{I went on a date with self today to see Eat Pray Love. Javier Bardem reminded me so much of Boho Boy and I love that rather than fantasizing about Javier on the way home, I fantasized about my husband that I get to kiss when I walk in the door. There is just something about big deep eyes, long messy layered hair and scruffy chins that get me good. ; ) }

birth story book*

us yesterday, taken with phone

The last few days with Cedar have been healing and love soaked.  He is feeling better and has decided to put that energy into lots of snuggles and happiness and cracking us up.  My mama heart has been cracked wide open these days.

We showed him his birth story book for the first time yesterday.  It is filled with mostly photos with captions of the first time we met his birth parents, then the birth and our two week hotel stay post birth...and spending thanksgiving with his birth parents.  It was really emotional.  He seemed captivated with his birthmom and laid his head on a photo of her to give her love.  The next photo was of me feeding him his first bottle in the hospital and he looked over at me and wrapped his arms around me.  Both Boho Boy and I got teary.  He just seemed so in tune with it all and somehow tapped into knowing I needed that hug.  He did it a few times throughout the book...looked over at me and sort of fell onto my chest with his arms wrapped tight.  We will show him this book as often as possible.  We want him to feel his adoption is a totally natural thing and a sacred part of his journey on this earth.  Our adoption consultant has an adopted son much older and growing up, playing house with his friends, she would hear him say "are you adopted like me?"  or "this is my baby, he is adopted".  This is how I want it to feel for Cedar.  Something to celebrate...a gorgeous part of his life where there is no shame but openness to share and excitement to enlighten his friends ideas about how families can be created in so many ways.  This is what the book is for and why we will make one each year including photos of him and our birth parent visits.

Wanted to share a few photos we've taken over the last few days.

cedar totally loves the books by this author

cedar gazing into his lion's eyes...before a kiss.  ; )

trail walking with mama

trail museum library

giving this coyote love...at a museum

resting on the cool metal at a park

waking up after a nap

snack time*

cedar, 22 months, belated august break photo #31

I cannot believe he is loving roasted seaweed for a snack.  He chewed it all up and begged for more.  That rocks.

groovy grooves*

self portrait today with phone {a photo i took for a dear friend that just got dreads and needed reassurance that bumps and grooves are an everyday part of them}

this is how my life feels right now.  a little bumpy and loopy and frayed.  this is why my dreadlocks parallel my life in a beautiful, messy way.  ; )

i am having a wee bit of computer issues.  hence...the lack of posting and spilling.  i recorded a long, heart soaked vlog for all of you today and when i replayed it, i sounded like i was sitting in a closet with cotton in my mouth.  i think i cried.  well, okay i admit, i DID cry because i really wanted you to hear it.  so i will try to share again what i felt inspired to share in that moment.  it might not look the same but it will be what is supposed to be sent out into the world, i must trust.

i've had two weeks of emotional upheavally days (yes, just made up that word) with sweet, dear cedar...and his deep need to express himself, along with his frustration that he is unable to do it fully with words.  so i shared about it in a very raw and vulnerable way on the vlog i recorded this morning while he was napping.  it felt so HEALING to get it out there and release.  then he woke up and was in such a soft, cuddly, present mood with me.  our day was pretty stellar.  i took him on a nature walk and there was so much connectedness between us.  i honestly believe it was because he could feel my release of worry for him and my trust in the process and his sensitive soul opened up more space for us.  when my husband came home tonight, i couldn't stop talking about our wonderful day (because for the last two weeks, he came home to a weepy, exhausted, emotional wife).

i thought i was losing it yesterday. today i felt so centered and present and patient and alive.  motherhood is beautiful lumpy bumpy ride, man...with lots and lots of groovy grooves.

i am posting the video anyways, for those of you that have earphones and can turn up your volume loud enough to perhaps gather a few words.  ; )  just so i don't feel it was completely for naught.

for erin*

Cedar singing a ditty for my dear friend Erin in Ireland who is about to bring her baby into this world at any moment.  This babe will be a wee little sprite from the land of pixies and faeries and Cedar TOTALLY speaks that language.  ; )

staying connected*

my boys, august break #30

Boho Boy walking.
Boho Baby skipping.

Last night after tucking Cedar into bed, we cuddled on the couch to finish this film.  Boho Boy's forearm has been in some pain from being a computer nerd-genius, so I grabbed some lavender oil and massaged it. I realized that it has been a long time since I have nurtured him in this way.  Our energies are so poured into our growing-by-the-second toddler, that at the end of the day, we can barely keep our eyes open.  It felt so good to be present with one another last night.  While rubbing the knots out of his arm, so many thoughts ran through my head:  I need to kiss him more, hug him more, stroke his hair, listen more intently...the way I did before Cedar came into our lives.  Between us, it has always been the small sentiments that brought us closer and deeper together.  Every single one of my friends that have young children are on this same journey of balancing energy towards your child, as well as your relationship.  I am so grateful Boho Boy and I are constantly communicating and reassuring, so that it doesn't escalate to those dark and scary waters of losing one another.  I am grateful that we are both patient with this process and don't have a lot of expectations right now.  Funny how something as simple as an arm massage will bring all of this to surface.  We have a romantic date planned soon.  A gift from my parents for our anniversary.  I am dreaming of finger foods, sangria, cushy couches and funky music.

Would love to hear how you stayed connected to your partner during the early days of parenting...

little inukshuk*

cedar this morning, august break #29

We enjoy building these together when rocks are around.