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deeper breaths*

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I was supposed to be in Arizona this week hanging with my dear Jess.  It was to be a gathering of souls that both of us have been longing for, needing, craving.  As I have shared a few posts ago, I have not been feeling well and am putting a lot of intention into healing what is coming up for me physically.  One thing I do know about myself is that when Cedar and I travel and stay in someone else's house, by the end of the trip, I tend to get sick.  Much of this has to do with lack of sleep and the stress of a toddler being out of routine.  As the trip to AZ approached, I had to make a difficult decision to stay home and take care of myself for the time being.  At least until we get the holes in our walls patched up and I begin to breathe in fresh air and fill up my veins with delicious oxygen.  That phone call with Jess was tear soaked for both of us but I am so grateful that she honored where I am at.

We still hadn't found the right folks to do the work on our home.  The night I had the talk with Jess, we went out to run errands.  Outside of our house there were these three gentleman chatting around a red truck. From a distance, Cedar said "helloooooo!' really loud.  Then he said "hello" again and again until the three gentleman realized he was yelling over towards them and they smiled and waved.  Cedar says hello to strangers quite often but this he had never done.  The longer we looked at the truck, we realized it was a construction truck and Boho Boy said..."I am going to go chat with them about the work we need done and see if they're available." Within a few minutes, they went into our home, checking out the walls and setting a time to do the job.  The serendipity of it all was amazing.  Part of me wonders if Cedar knew these were the guys that we needed.  Sometimes he is so connected to what we need in a cosmic way.  It gives me chills.

We were worried about the massive dust in our home while they were working on our walls this week, so Boho Boy set Cedar and me up in a motel by the beach, not far from where we live.  I know he felt badly that I had to postpone my time with Jess.  He knows how much I miss being with my girlfriends, skin to skin.  Its been over a year now of being away from my loves.  My heart was broken.  So, I think he was wanting this to be a healing retreat in more ways than one.

The sand is steps away from our room.  Cedar and I have spent the last few days outside covered in cold sand, laying on dewy grass, chasing waves and breathing in fresh ocean air.  I can feel my lungs expanding.  My energy feels so present and more clear.  We lean back and worship the sun by day and hold the moon by night.  There is no schedule where we are here and its been so dreamy.  Boho Boy comes at night for dinner and this weekend, has decided to prolong our stay so we can be here as a family.  We are all craving fresh air and the healing energy of the ocean.

In those moments when Cedar is building sand mountains or making art with rocks, I breathe in deep, looking at those precious waters and I connect to a deeper part of me that I have been missing.

And salty air makes for deeper sleep.

...and happy dreads.

Here are some images of our time so far...

maca root love*

I think I am going to do some vlogs for you this week. The writing is just not flowing from me these days. But I feel like chatting, so perhaps if I imagine that I am sitting in a room with all of you, sharing would come easier through that live medium.  I have gotten to the point with my vlogs that I completely forget I am chatting to a screen and I can almost feel the skin of our knees touching.

One thing I do want to share is that on top of ACV (with The Motha') every morning, I am drinking Maca smoothies in the early afternoon. I already notice a difference with both but I also know these things take time. I am patient.

My dear girlfriend the other day told me about Maca root  (she is my true blue sexy high heeled hippy friend with herbs and elixirs for healing that I go to and i love her for it).  She told me it would give me energy, strengthen my immune system, heighten my self love and spice up my sex life.  OKAY.  Sold!

Here is how I like it (my smoothies, not sex...):

  • Handful of frozen pineapple
  • Handful of frozen mango
  • Half an avocado
  • A few handfuls of fresh spinach
  • 1 tsp Maca powder
  • Half cup of vanilla rice milk
  • Splash of honey (or agave nectar)
  • {I sometimes add half a peeled pear or kiwi too}
  • Fill the rest of blender up with cold water...amount depending on how thick  or watery you like your smoothie

Cedar has to do the spinach part or it ruins his day.  He must stand on a stool and place the spinach leaves into the blender one by one.  I actually blend all the ingredients above first without the Maca so he can have his own smoothie and then with the rest, I put in my tsp of Maca just for me and blend again.  My sweet little one does NOT need any help for energy.  ; )  The Maca gives it a bit of a nutty taste.

It has become a ritual to sit and share our smoothies together, staring at one another and smiling as it travels through the straw and down into our tummies.

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its all about The Mother*

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I was talking to my marmie last night and she had me giggling hard. It was SO good to hear such pep in her voice. She sounded so alive. Its been a long time since I heard her excited about even the small things...a new kitchen faucet, a new vacuum and a new DRINK that has her preaching on corners. Usually I am the one that calls her with some fabulous new way of eating or herb or concoction of sorts that is supposed to transform your well being, so it was fun to be on the receiving end at a time when I needed to hear it.

Some of you may remember my post a bit ago about her health. Well, she has been healing slowly and has put back on some of her weight that she lost but it is what she recently discovered that is accelerating her healing. She's been drinking Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar every morning. She said within 3 days, she found herself doing more around the house and then eventually she noticed she had long periods of energy bursts and overall her well being feels more balanced.

I phoned her the other day a bit of a weepy mess. For months now, I have felt constant flu-like symptoms. Sort of like a cold that is about to explode but it never goes too far. We got a new health insurance and I am not too crazy about our doctor. He just seems so disinterested and unhappy with his own lot. So of course we always think about my naturopath. I have complete faith in her work and her mind and her drive and her care of me. But our insurance doesn't cover her...so its always about saving and waiting. Anyways, I was crying to my marmie on the phone. Just needing to be heard and to list all the weird things I am feeling in my body: sore throat, headache, achy bones, exhaustion...even when I get a full night's rest, stuffy head, heavy chest and how sometimes its not that noticeable and sometimes it makes me crash but never enough to completely freak me out until recently. Mainly the last few months I have been so focused on Cedar and Boho Boy has had his own health issues, that I just sort of fluffed it off to allergies or asthma (which I have had all of my life). So she listened intently and told me to contact my naturopath pronto. Its funny how sometimes all you need is a little push from your mother. I wrote my naturopath that evening.

The next day I received a note back and she asked me about the air quality in our home because my symptoms lead her to believe it may be contributing. Then it was like my eyes opened up wider and a fog slipped away and for the first time that made the most sense to me. Five or so months ago, we had to rip apart parts of walls for a plumbing issue. Huge chunks of drywall missing and lots of open exposure in four different rooms. Well, the holidays happened and then life got incredibly busy and we both simply forgot about it, even though it is glaring us in the face every day. The air quality in our home must completely suck and neither one of us even thought of it or attributed it to our most recent health issues. This is SO not like us to not be mindful about this stuff (especially my husband), so it goes to show you how foggy brained we have been.

We are on top of it, getting it fixed right away but what is interesting, is even just the awareness that this is what is mostly likely causing so much of what we've been going through, has felt healing. We feel terrible about not being more mindful about it...more importantly for Cedar and thank goodness he has a stellar immune system and has not been ill.

A huge weight has been lifted from me because part of me felt I was going mad and wondering how on earth I was feeling so crappy when I have been putting a lot of intention into being healthy and natural in all ways. Anyways, when I talked to my mother to tell her what we think it might be, she was so relieved and agreed it made perfect sense and then went on and on about Braggs Apple Cider Vinegar. ; ) She got me so pumped about it that I took Cedar to Whole Foods right when I got off the phone with her to pick up a bottle.

She said "make sure it says 'with The Mother' on the bottle. It's all about The Mother!!" And getting off the phone with her I thought to myself how right she is.

Today was my first day drinking it. I find it lighter tasting than Kombucha. Kombucha always made me feel drunk. Which is awesome and fun but not conducive to my life right now. ; )

I will let you know how awesome I feel on this stuff.  See...I am already manifesting.

You can read about the benefits here.

So, this is what she's been drinking every morning...

  • 8oz cold water
  • 2 tsp Bragg's ACV
  • 2 tsp organic honey (preferably local)
  • stir well until dissolved. tastes better with straw!  make sure to do it in morning or early afternoon.

new frames*

Just want you lovelies to know that Lisa Loeb is now selling frames! I know...so fun, right? We all coveted her glasses in the 90's and now she's finally come out with her own line. I lost my glasses ages ago and have neglected to get a new pair. Now my eyesight is more messed up, so I am making an appointment with an eye doc SOON to fill these cute frames. The ones I just got in the mail are called Truthfully (and funny enough, that is the name of my favorite song of hers).  My sister also got a pair called Hello Lisa.

The photo above is me wearing my new frames but I couldn't take off her name on the glass.  ; )  Perhaps we should all walk around with little affirmations on our glasses anyways.

Wishing all of you a wild, calm, free, chill, love soaked weekend.

xo

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a moment in our day today*

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Cedar does this so often. He wants me to sit and watch as he runs down a hill, towards me, then on top of me...to end with a mini boy hug (aka wrestle on the ground). I thought it would be fun to capture it today.

Lately I have discovered the wonder of audio books. Since Cedar came into our lives, I have not had the attention span, nor the time, to sit and read a book. I can skim through it quickly or jump around only to read a few sentences before I end up falling asleep or distracted in some way. I don't know why it took me so long to come up with the idea of listening to an audio book while doing chores or hanging with Cedar. It's brilliant!!! And I love that he is being read to as well. Although, the one I save for his nap time is "Connection Parenting...Parenting through Connection Rather than Coercion and Love instead of Fear" by Pam Leo.  Oh man, this one is full of wisdom that wraps around my heart and hugs it tight.  I find myself weepy while doing laundry and picking up his toys from ideas that resonate so deeply with me and also comfort my inner little girl.

So far, here are a few gems that I wrote down.  Will share more soon...

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"We are less likely to pass on our past hurts to our children when we do our own healing work."

"Once we understand that uncooperative behavior is a communication of a child's unmet need, a hurt, or a response to an adults unrealistic expectation, we do not have to take the behavior so personally."

"We create a strong bond over time when we lovingly and consistently meet our child's needs."

"When we learn to relate in ways that show children that their needs and feelings matter,  we strengthen the bond and avoid power struggles."

"Very young children learn conflict resolution when we model it."

"We teach children that every one's needs are important by honoring their needs.  From our example, they learn to honor other's needs."

"Children are delightful to be with when their needs are being met and nothing is hurting them."

"Whenever a child responds negatively to a reasonable request,  we look for a hidden hurt or the unmet need.  Once we acknowledge every one's needs, we can work on problem solving."

"I've learned to say...'When you behave that way, I know something is wrong.  We love each other and people who love each other don't treat one another this way. Can you tell me what you need or what is hurting you?'  If I can remember to stop and ask that one simple question, it changes the whole concept of the power struggle.  That question communicates "I love you and what you feel is important to me."

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Such good stuff...and really resonates with my soul.  I find myself so much more present with Cedar these days.  So much more forgiving of myself in those moments when I am more reactive and then I hold him and talk with him about it.  I feel as though my mind and heart are opening wider to who Cedar is and what triggers him and how I can do my best to create an environment where he feels seen and heard and loved consistently.  Right now this mama business is SO my greatest teacher.

a few yummy things*

Boho Boy's Tabbouleh

Boho Boy makes this for us every week and is now going to start making a huge bowl every Sunday so we can munch on it all week long. It is DELICIOUS, although by the combination of ingredients, some may not think it sounds so. Trust us! My hubs made a big batch for my family at my marmie's house during Thanksgiving. My father practically licked his bowl and he is SO picky about raw veggie type dishes. It is so so good for you. Parsley helps to cleanse out the toxins in your kidneys...which is what Boho Boy needs right now. We all need it. ; )

He doesn't follow measurements, so I will do my best to write it down in recipe form. We love to eat it with a grilled cheese sandwich (I know, not so healthy) and hummus. Or, I like to stack two corn tortillas, smear pizza or pasta sauce on top, sprinkle it with goat cheese and heat it up like a pizza.  I then cut them into triangles and dip them into the tabbouleh with hummus (like you see in photo above...YUM).

He has always chopped everything really fine. The last time he did it (in photo above) he tried making it chunkier, which we loved just as much and noticed it lasted longer. So, the chopping size is up to you!

The good stuff: 2 large bunches (or four small bunches) of fresh organic parsley 1 sweet yellow onion chopped 1 medium organic cucumber chopped into tiny cubes 4 stalks organic celery chopped 2 large (or 3 medium) tomatoes finely chopped 1/4 cup fresh mint finely chopped (optional) 4 cloves of garlic crushed 2 cups cooked and cooled Quinoa* (we cook it an hour before and lay it on a cookie sheet to cool) *Quinoa is for gluten free peeps. Bulgar wheat is typically used or couscous if you don't want to do gluten free.

Dressing (you'll have to guess on this one. its a huge bowl and we like ours drenched so each forkful is tangy goodness) olive oil lemon

Spices: garlic salt (or sea salt and garlic powder) tajin

Directions: Chop the veggies and put in large bowl (make sure you will have room to toss, so I suggest your biggest bowl). Slowly toss in (already cooled) Quinoa Slowly toss in crushed garlic Sprinkle in a bit of garlic salt (or sea salt and garlic powder) Sprinkle in a bit of Tajin (i like a lot of this!) Slowly pour in dressing and toss (taste to make sure if you want more olive oil and lemon) *Serve with hummus and your favorite kind of bread or sandwich or quesadilla or whatever cheesy bready thing sounds good. I dip my grilled cheese or mini pizzas or quesadillas into the hummus and then dip it again into the Tabbouleh. Sooooo good.

kris carr's green smoothies

I read about this smoothie over at my dear friend Susannah's blog (aka one of my very first blog friends transformed into face to face friend). She interviewed the VERY inspirational Kris Carr (Kris's story and her healthy ways were so healing to me during my fertility journey). In her interview, she talked about this green smoothie she drinks every morning. I tried it this weekend and LOVED it. I eat an avocado every single day and this is the first time I tried it in a smoothie, believe it or not. Avocados make my skin feel glowy.  Cedar loves them lightly sprinkled with sea salt!  One of the first foods he ever ate.

Kris Carr’s Green Smoothie

Makes enough for 2 people. You can adjust the recipe accordingly. My taste buds are different than yours so don’t be afraid to play!

-1 avocado -1-2 pieces of low glycemic fruit: we love green apple, pear, berries & cantaloupe -1 cucumber -A bit of kale or romaine or spinach -Coconut water (or purified water) -Stevia to taste (i used agave nectar) *You can also add a sprinkle of cinnamon and some cacao. *You can also use coconut meat or almond butter or nut milk in place of avocado

And the final yum thing:

Here was our home a few days ago...

And here it is sans the couch and replaced with a new Papasan chair from Cost Plus World Market:

Inspired by so many of your comments (and a dear friend who is creating a magical, functional and healing space for their family), we are in the process of transforming our home into a low stress "yes" environment for our Cedar. I'll write more about that soon.

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moon water*

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Last night, I left this in the kitchen for my husband to see when getting ready for work this morning. A bit of the water was gone when I woke up. My belly felt warm inside knowing he had taken a drink before leaving and that Cedar too has taken a few sips.

This Full Moon...She has been healing.  I have felt very connected to Her this month.  Since the decision has been made to postpone my e-course until space opens up in my life to give of myself in that way, I have felt a lightness of being.  This is when I know the  decision was a right one.  Since, I have felt more present with Cedar (read: doing less dishes, laundry and emailing less, more sitting on the floor and listening, playing, communicating, observing).  I have noticed a shift in him as well.  We so pick up on one another's energy but I think it is more than that.  I think he feels more connected to me now that I am more available to connect with.

I heard something from a friend today that is the embodiment of what is transforming already for me:  When I surrender to motherhood fully and am present to these little ones, it seems like more doors open, more time appears, more creativity flows.  My energy level rises.  When I struggle with it, which is necessary to do and it part of our work, I am blocked and unhappy and tired.

I didn't realize how much the stress of taking on something that is so huge and important to me was filling up massive amounts of space in my days.  As the stress is lifting, space is opening. I feel it deep and wow, am amazed that I am walking around with a bit more energy and dare I say, inspiration! Cedar even went down for a second nap today. That is UNHEARD of around here.

It is a dear dream of mine to share my story, to gather women, to nourish, to connect and to feel and see the purpose of my journey.  There are more dreams.  I have SO many dreams.  I am a dreamer.  And for five years, I shared in this space another dream.  That dream was to be a mother.  That is one dream I AM living.  So with this one dream of mine to be the mother that Cedar needs, there may be other dreams that will still be in my heart but will patiently wait until I have the time and space to nurture them.  It could be in 6 months or 1 year or even 2 years but they will be given wings to fly.

Last night I brought my bowl of water up to the veranda.  I held it near my heart.  I gazed up at the bright and lusciously full Moon for a long while.  I took deep breaths.  I allowed myself to feel the pull of energy, the vibration and the light.  I looked down at my bowl of water and saw the reflection of the moon dancing in the soft waves.  It was then I noticed I was swaying.  I asked our Moon to bless this water with healing and calm and knowing as my family steps into this new journey:  Cleansing and preparing for an environment that is simpler, quieter and more trusting.

As the Full Moon shows Her brightness, I myself am feeling full inside. Grateful for being honest with myself.  Grateful that my husband was honest with me about his concerns.  Grateful that I have received an abundance of support and gentleness from family and friends.  Grateful for my dreams and how patient they are with me.  Grateful for remembering that I am living one of my most precious dreams.  Grateful it has been revealed to me that it is okay to slow down, to marinate and discover the creativity and coolness of being exactly where I am at today.

I am sipping this Moon Water all day in reflection and feeling these truths sink into my bones.

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its the journey, not the destination*

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The other day I was walking on the grass at the park with Cedar. I had my iPhone ready to capture some moments of him during play. I ended up tripping a bit on a wee hole and falling. My phone went flying. I heard the camera go off. This image above is what was captured. The red you see are my favorite pair of pants that I live in. The flare is from the sun. I think you can see a whirl of green grass even.  So much beauty captured before landing to the ground.  Which reminds me of a quote.  "Its the Journey, not the destination...".

I am sure some of you have sensed by my quietness here and what I have shared that there has been a lot going on with our Boho Family.  Just a lot.  There has been some heavy emotional terrain within my immediate family that my sensitive heart has taken on.  Then there has been Boho Boy and his health not being where he needs it to be with a chronic sinus infection, kidney stones and a bladder infection.  We are information geeks and he is most comfy with holistic treatments, so that takes energy to find what suits his body and to continue to be mindful of what could be causing this for him.  Then there is our precious Cedar and the entrance into his two years on this earth where his body and mind are growing fast beyond his communication skills.  A space where he needs to release all these new sensations physically and emotionally and unless we are fully present, there is an abundance of emotion expressed.  He is our spiritedly passionate, wild, sprite, gnome boy who deeply wants others to be in his imaginary world...right there with him and he senses when we're not.  ; )  I think because of all this, preparing to uproot ourselves into a new home and a few other things, I feel like I am always on the verge of having a cold.  That achy, tired, sore throaty feeling.  Sometimes it goes away only to come back later that evening or the next day.  Having both Celiac since birth and endometriosis, two auto immune disorders, I know this means I don't have the most stellar immune system.  Usually when there are big things going on for me emotionally, my body absorbs it and releases it through a bit of illness.   I usually know what to do to prevent such things but with all this whirly stuff going on, I have to be honest in that my focus hasn't been on taking the best care of myself.  We've all been there.  These seasons within our bodies and the ebb and flow of self care depending on how much energy we can give ourselves.  I think those periods of time when it feels this way is called Survival Mode.

So this brings me to my e-course.  My husband and I sat down the other night and got a bit real with something we've been trying to ignore.  Registrations for my e-course are coming up and neither one of us feel as prepared as we had planned.  On his end, he is designing a gorgeous feature for my Nectar Girls and has not had enough time to finish it.  He had to take on a few more clients for his database design business in order to build up his clientele for when he goes independent and the work load is greater than he had envisioned.  On my end, with all that has been going on, I wondered how I would guide so many soulful women to get in touch with their nectar, when mine was feeling undernourished.  Throughout my life journey, it has been so important for me to remain authentic and when I teach this course, I need to be in alignment with the truth that I am sharing.  There are so many elements to this course that are nourishing and what I need to do in order to feel in a place to teach is to make them my practice and reconnect with my own nectar.

So many fears surfaced about me postponing my course.  I worried that many of you would lose interest and not be there when I finally felt ready.  I felt a bit like I had failed myself, failed you...and my vision.  The hours following that discussion with my husband, I wasn't very gentle with myself.  When I get like this, I put a call out to my soul sisters to help me clear the muck, quiet the voices that are false and get back to my truths.  One of them said to me; "I think one of the many reasons so many of us admire you is because you always honor what's right for you. This is just another example of you honoring the space you are in." and another said "You are wise and brave and you are teaching more by doing this than you ever could by teaching about nourishment when you yourself were undernourished!" Man, I felt so loved and understood and blessed to be surrounded by gentle teachers.  Their support confirmed so much to me what my heart was aching to say to myself, to all of you.  I just want to always keep it real and I couldn't pretend in order to live up to what was expected of me.  When I shared it with my sister last night, she said that she had a feeling it would be too much but what I love about her is that she allows me to figure it out on my own. Another friend reminded me of being on an airplane and the flight attendants telling us to put our oxygen masks on first before we put them on our children. I need to breathe first before I can help another breathe.

I also feel so deeply that this journey I am currently walking on will become part of my course.  As I am shifting and evolving through this process, so will what I share with you.  The timing will be just what it is supposed to be.  I don't know when yet but as soon as i begins to feel right, I will announce the new date.  We are imagining mid Summer, after our move.

Just as in the photo above, the unplanned, unexpected and down right messy can turn out to be quite beautiful because our lives are about the journey and not the destination. This time, this ebb, this mess... is all part of that beauty.

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snapshots of Boho Toddler.

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{an emotional goodbye with daddy at the airport}

{auntie dd & cedar hanging out on a front loader at the farm}

{playing the chase game with auntie la la in the almond orchard}

{reading with grandmarmie...she is still uber skinny but is on the way to healing and getting better! cedar is wearing his fisherman pants and a kicky pants shirt he got from grandmarmie for his birthday}

{a new game that cedar invented. we call it the "hug train"...uncle marky, auntie dd & cedar}

{the country glow that we always get while at the farm.  shirt from Splendid Littles.  scarf handmade last year by his auntie pammie and hat from canada is a gift from uncle jon-erik/boho brother}

{grandmarmie brought over a box so that he could play house. we all decided to color it. uncle marky is such an artist and drew a gorgeous tree on one side}

{cedar and me one FREEZING morning at the farm saying hello to the doggies Pandora & Zeus. lion hat and sweater from Baby Gap}

{snuggling up all warm and cozy inside with auntie la la}

{his favorite game that uncle jj taught him...throwing stones in the pond. here he is with auntie dd trying to make bubbles with each throw. cedar is wearing fisherman pants and sweater from Baby Gap}

{grandmarmie & cedar watching the doggies in the morning run like crazy around the orchard}

{mommy loves this canadian hat from uncle jon-erik that just covers his cold little ears. scarf made by auntie pammie and striped shirt from Target}

{reading on the airplane ride home...just like his daddy}

{we had a few emotional days while adjusting to travel and teething. he is a trouper. "compassion" shirt from Joy Spread the Word and custom Tree hat from Everyday Beautiful.}

{taken this morning and in better spirits. wearing his new kicky pants shirt that auntie dd got for his bday, fisherman pants and shoes from Bobux}

here is a video from today of my boys jamming together:

ps. you can still enter the yummy ecourse giveaway here until sunday night!

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Sponsor GIVEaway*

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Vivienne McMaster is a Vancouver, B.C. based photographer who is on a mission to help people create images in which they feel seen for their true selves. Through her own journey with self-portraiture she has gathered tips, prompts and ideas to help women to turn the cameras on themselves and to like what they see. She has some unique approaches to self-portraiture that explore its healing potential and the way it can transform our relationship to beauty.

She runs a 6 week online course called You are Your Muse which dives into finding our visual voice, telling our stories, exploring light, finding our beauty and learning how to getting to know our cameras can help us get images we adore. You are Your Own Muse does dive deep and invites participants to look inwards as they create images that invite empowerment of our physical selves as well.

She has launched a new session of You are Your Own Muse and is also offering a brand new 4 week e-course called Wading In: Dipping Our Toes into Self-Portraiture which is designed for participants just beginning their self-portrait journey. Wading In invites participants on a playful, whimsical adventure. Through videos and fun posts you'll be invited along on photo walks with Vivienne and be inspired to dip your toes into inviting yourself into your photos!

Today Vivienne is giving away one spot to Wading In which starts January 17th.

Giveaway Rules:

  • To enter, leave a comment
  • It can be one word or many telling us who or what is your current muse
  • Comments will be open until Sunday, January 16th at 10pm PST
  • Winner will be chosen at random.org
  • Winner will be announced on Monday, January 17th
  • I may do another post between now and then but will direct readers to this post so you can still enter

{all images in this post were taken by Vivienne}

ps. I have a new Facebook account for my ecourse: BohoGirl Denise

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i am here.

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{me in angela's room at the farmhouse.  yet another kissy photo}

I'm here. I promise.

I arrived home from my sister's farm the night before last. I feel like I have been living out of a suitcase for the past month. We are settling in. Unpacking slowly. Laundry. Deep breathing. Restoring with sleep. And nurturing a very emotional boy. His two year molars are coming in (ouch!). He also has had a lot of change over the last four weeks with travel to and fro. Change can be hard for Toddlers. Being at the farm was healing for him in that he is SO crazy-loved by my family and of course that just makes a mama's heart swell to bursting. I remember my sister saying to me and my marmie "Cedar coming into our lives was the start of so much change and healing". I welled up with tears. I felt blessed and in awe of the gifts he shares with my family.

I apologize for being quiet here.  I am exhausted and in need of restoration. There is so much whirling around in both me and my husband's hearts and minds. So much transformation ahead of us with preparing for our move and starting a whole new life. I wonder how I can fit it all in over the next 6 months. We have so much to declutter. I would love to arrive in Washington with a simpler idea of what will fill our home.

I was chatting with another blog friend yesterday. She is so beautiful and creative and earthy and crafty and an awesome mama to her children. I was teary while texting "how do you do it all?" and she replied "i don't.  i feel messy.  i am right where you are". Then we continued for an hour spilling our stories. This is what happens when we reach out. We begin to not feel alone. I wondered if I was somehow not doing enough or being enough. I have ONE toddler boy and yet my energy towards other loves/passions in my life is barely there. I give him so much because he needs it and I give it willingly but what is left of me at the end of the day is not a whole lot. I am told that this age is a lot...a lot to breathe through.  An age where children discover their separateness from you and are full of emotions and energies that need to be explored and released.  Another dear friend of mine wrote that she drove around in her car for two hours in her pajamas just to center herself away from her children. I told her it made me fall more in love with her. We need to do this, mamas. We need to let it out and have no shame in the hard parts. For me, adding humor to them is what helps me cope. I wonder what helps you cope?

When I put Cedar down for a nap today, I went out and laid on our livingroom floor pretending I was him. I threw myself back in a tantrum, kicking and throwing my limbs about, saying "Nooooooo!"...just to see what it felt like in his body. It felt AWESOME. Now I get it. ; )

I will share more images from my visit to the farm soon. Oh, and come back Wednesday. I will have a YUMMY giveaway for you all!

{cedar in my sister's almond orchard}

family and patterns and healing*

I asked for some alone time today. I have been in deep need of solitude to sort out my thoughts. So, I sit here at a local coffee shop and I am slowly breathing in the aroma of my chai latte sitting near my MacBook.

I am such a sharer. For years in this space I have spilled the big stuff going on in my heart. I have come to this place to let it out, for processing, for healing, for moving through the myriad of emotions that come with it all. I have also come here to find my voice and with hopes that by me sharing my story, others will not feel alone and gather up courage and bravery to find their own. That is why it has been so hard that I have been unable to spill about some pretty huge emotions and shifts going on in my immediate family right now. Pieces of it are so private, so sacred and some of the people involved are not as open to share their life as I have done so openly. So, I respect their feelings, their choices and their needs and because of this, I am unable to share here.

I sit here at this table in a public space wiping my tears, trying to breathe them back, to look out the window and focus on something, anything else so I don't draw any attention.

The holidays whirled by at the beach house and then settling back into home and then packing again for another week away. When life is busy like this, I keep above water and don't have a moment to sink into mySELF and all that is going on within. Until now. Until solitude. Until gazing out of the window at passersby. It comes rushing in.

I have such a wide open heart and I feel so much. Not only my emotions but the emotions of those I love. It can feel overwhelming and the natural part of me...the "who" I have been in this family since I was born into it, is the peacemaker. I could make other's pain or hurtful words go away with smiles and being funny or charming or warm and loving. Many times just brushing the hard and icky parts under the rug, just to keep the peace. Setting boundaries with people I love goes so against my grain but I have learned how to do this slowly, in my life. My husband has been a huge part of recognizing my need to step back and protect my space and my heart so that my openness and kindness are not taken advantage of. Being a mother has naturally exercised those muscles of creating a healthy environment in my life, for my husband and son.

Roles and relationships are shifting within my family. It is new territory but so needed...for all of us. We crave change and yet are so afraid of it. It will take time. Gentle, patient time but in the meantime, I struggle most with feeling so misunderstood by some. I am sure each of us struggle with this, in our own way. I am holding onto hope that we are all on our way to feeling a little more understood, so the healing can begin.

Its big stuff and some days I walk softly with it; open arms, just trusting. Some days I feel consumed with the fear of old patterns, habitual reactions and past wounds. Some days I feel raw to the bone and tender to the core. Some days I feel firm footed and brave....wild woman...boundless...ready. Today I feel ALL of it.

I love my whole family so much. Every single one of them. We are a blessed bunch to have one another. The reasons why we were put on this earth together is for stuff like this: Growing pains and spreading our wings and the support to take flight. And this is why all of this feels so big to me.

I will be at my sister's farm for a week. I may or may not be able to post from there. Perhaps just some images, perhaps not. But I know I will feel wrapped up having shared the stuff going on with me that has kept me more silent here than usual.

When I look at this photo above, I am brought back to a simpler place where the three of our souls dance together. Where shifting old family patterns can start at the beginning, here in our wee home. Where I can gently guide Cedar with the wisdom I will gather through this experience to always be gently honest with us, to know and speak his truth and to be true to his heart.

Thank you for holding this space lightly for me and for respecting that this is all I can share.

Healing is my word for 2011.

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Gratitude Garland*

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Inspired by the beautiful Amanda, the five of us sat around the table on Christmas Eve and created our own Gratitude Garland. Each of us had gathered beauty from the earth to paint, draw and write on. We wrote what we feel grateful for. Boho Brother stayed up the latest layering found objects with his unique arty style. The next morning I woke up to Boho Brother and Omi hanging it on the porch of the beach house.

Mmmmm...so magical.  I think I will take it home and hang it in our house to remind me how much being grateful for even the smallest of things, can shift your heart.

So many more images to share but here is one of our most cherished that we continue to gaze at with hearts swollen with love.

{People always ask me what Cedar is wearing, so I think I will start doing that at the end of my posts. ; ) Hat is from Baby Gap. Handmade crocheted scarf made by Cedar's Auntie Pammie, branch shirt by Kicky Pants}

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a beachy, arty day…

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Cedar is loving his time with Uncle Jon-Erik (aka Boho Brother). He wakes in the morning and runs around looking for him in all the corners of the house...but you can usually find him out on long walks come rain or shine. I love love love this image of Cedar running up towards his uncle's open arms. We had been playing in puddles for a while and when his uncle surprised him up on the hill, Cedar went running. *sigh*

The brothers walked up to a sandy hill and were walking through the seagulls as they took flight. You can see the two of them in the background while Cedar explores new textures in the sand.

After washing off the sand at the beach shower, we put him in the warm shower at home...back into his comfy feetie pajamas and Boho Brother brought out his art box and paper to explore some art.

Mmmmmm...its been just me and the boys.

Until tonight...when Omi arrives (hopefully safely as a thunderstorm is coming in!).

Oh, and here is my weekly kissy photo except this time with five canker sores. Yes...you heard me...FIVE...all on the rim of my bottom lip. Have no idea what caused them but we are giving them tender loving care. Well, not the kissing kind because Boho Boy kissed me last night and his whiskers made them bleed. Ouch!